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Diary Entry #321
I’m different.
I think I mentioned this briefly in some past entries, but now I’m certain that there is more to it. I think writing it all out might help me work things out, so here I am writing this now. I started to notice things last year, after Mum died- she was the one person who completely understood me and after she left I realised how no one else seems to get me.
It started with eye contact. I realised that when I told Albus what had happened and invited him to the funeral, I couldn’t look him in the eye. In fact, I subconsciously had my entire body awkwardly twisted so that there was no way Albus could even try to make eye contact with me. I thought that it was because of the grief, but then I remembered the day I met Albus, sat in a compartment on the same train, and how even then I had twisted away to avoid looking directly at Albus and Rose. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I have always done this, to everyone. Everyone but Mum.
The next thing I noticed was my inability to focus. I like to think that it is pretty impressive how fast I can read books despite the fact that I lose focus every five minutes. It depends on the day of course: some days I have to pause after every couple paragraphs and take a moment to look around or stand up and walk around for a bit, other days I can get through a chapter uninterrupted. There’s no consistency to which days are better focus days, and this continues at Hogwarts; even during my favourite classes I find myself begin to fidget and get distracted by something out of the window. I look away for a second and the next thing I know, the rest of the class has an entire page of notes more than me. Luckily, Albus has never questioned why I sometimes ask to see his notes.
Then there’s my energy. I don’t think it's surprising that I’ve always been an energetic person who speaks with his hands dramatically and often skips instead of walking. But after I went to Hogwarts, I began to realise the sudden energy surges didn’t seem to occur to anyone else. I could be sitting doing homework, or feeding my owl in the owlery, and all of a sudden I feel the need to run around. If in the dorm, I run up and down, not caring if I risk colliding with the furniture. Sometimes, one quick sprint around is all I need, other times Albus starts to question why I haven’t sat down for ten minutes, and very often I get told off for running in the hallway. These moments are odd- I struggle to sit down and stay still unless I release what feels like built up energy, but I even get these surges when I’m incredibly tired, so where the energy comes from, I have no idea.
I’ve always thought these were things everyone experienced. My parents never said anything about it; I can even remember the way my Mum would laugh as I ran around the room or watch in amazement as I read three books at once, and Dad often seemed to struggle with sitting still sometimes as well. So that meant everyone was the same, right? Wrong. I got to Hogwarts and was faced with the reality that running back and forth in my dorm room will receive several questioning looks from my roommates who apparently, have never done the same thing.
There’s so many different things that I’ve noticed I do that no one else does. Apparently no one else talks aloud to themselves, or subconsciously sway and rock whilst sat down. I haven’t seen others be overly emotional at things but also lack a scary amount of empathy in some situations. At least at Hogwarts, I appear to be the only person who acts like this. So I became more conscious of what I do and made sure to only do such things when alone. After his Mum died it became more of a challenge but I think I've managed quite well.
That was, until the whole time turner incident and Delphi happened. Because after this, I began to notice my shoulders moving on their own accord and my eyes would forcefully blink. Well, not randomly per say- it’s whenever I feel particularly stressed, or overwhelmed, or am having to socialise with people I’m not comfortable socialising with. I could be standing, minding my own business and then suddenly my shoulders both move forward and back, or I’d be watching Albus hold a conversation on my behalf and my eyes would suddenly close and reopen with such force that it definitely wasn’t a normal blink. I hadn’t asked my body to do these things. I hadn’t been thinking about moving anything at all, and wasn’t even feeling one of my energy surges, but they still move, and I really don’t appreciate it. The more stressed I am the more it happens, and if I think about it, it becomes more frequent as well, and it is becoming impossible to hide. With no control over it I can’t stop it from happening when I know people have their eyes on me and it’s only a matter of time before someone calls me out on it, asks me about it, or makes fun of me for it.
Albus definitely knows. There’s no way he doesn’t- I’m with him all the time and ever since Delphi, he rarely lets me out of his sight. Which, I don’t mind, but I know he’s been watching me when these twitches have happened. I actually think I’m okay with him knowing. Things are only getting worse and I know I’m going to have to talk to someone about it eventually; Albus is a good start. I know he won’t judge me and I think he’ll know how to help, or at least have an idea what I could do next. With him by my side anything is instantly easier.
But he’s not by my side for this just yet, so first, I need to get the courage to actually say something to him about all of this. I’m hoping he might say something first but I also know he’s too polite to do that, so it’s up to me. Reading through what I’ve written here today might help me work things out a bit better so I can find a way to tell him. Perhaps I could just get him to read this… actually I think that might be my best option. So hi, Albus, when you’re reading this. I hope you understand, maybe. Probably not to be honest but neither do I. Just know that all of this has been easier with you in my life. So thank you for that. And whatever this all turns out to be, I hope it doesn’t change anything between us; I know you wouldn’t let it change things.
That’s it for this entry. It felt relieving writing all of this out and actually putting it into words. I think I’ve been living in denial for a while. Hopefully we figure things out soon. Until next time!