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Hokma retained many memories from his first life. Especially those that had pertained to Ayin. A particular one he chose to reminisce on more often than not, down on his floor, was one during the smoke war. It didn't help that it was a topic he was reminded of by the addition of the librarian from the general works floor. Roland was a solemn and sarcastic man, and his horror stories of his time in the smoke war strangely brought up nostalgic and sweet memories in himself.
Even if they had never formally confessed, Ayin sought comfort in him. As Benjamin, he was willing to provide. A memory that leaves him flushed and quite honestly babbling nonsense if someone were to interrupt his thoughts, had been that started with just trying to get Ayin to get a good rest.
Ayin had been stressed back then, his dark hair grew to reach his shoulders more, and it curled at the ends due to lack of brushing and sleeping on the floor of his office, when Benjamin was too busy dealing with his own horrors to take care of him. He still regrets that he couldn't focus on his every need back then. As stated this was in the thrux of the Smoke War, something they had started, good and bad reasons aside. This is what Benjamin felt they must do. For Carmen. Though, truly it was for Ayin. He just wanted to see him smile again.
That aside, this day the office was cold, Ayin stressed and under his desk, attempting a nap of some sort. He never slept well so it didn't matter. Benjamin came in as Ayin grunted in frustration, obviously he was thinking too hard and that is what was keeping him up. Even without the grunt, he knew. It was the same for him.
And so, as Benjamin understood his position, and out of empathy, and not a selfish desire such as "love" or whatever, knelt down and spoke to the man under the desk.
"Sir, it isn't good for your back to be down here, let's get you to your cot." He smiled nervously, knowing that 10% were affirmatives, 20% were downright rude, and 70% of the time he shut his yellow eyes and pretended to be asleep. Benjamin could still see him shake though, so he would sit there and rub his back, or pet his hair. Only 2% of those times would Ayin react negatively, the remaining 98% he'd fall asleep beneath the desk, getting at least a couple hours before the nightmares woke him. Thankfully, and honestly surprisingly, this was a 10% moment. He saw Ayin nod from behind and he turned over, looking miserable as ever. That was okay, he would receive some relief soon.
Hokma was happy that now, so long ahead in the future, gave him the foresite that yes. This was one of Ayin's good days, and he knew from conversations with many, many managers that yes. It had been a pleasant one for him too.
Benjamin lifted him up, warm hands clasped together, Ayin's had been a bit clammy. Forgivable. What hadn't been forgivable was how much Benjamin's heart started to race at the contact. He hadn't let go, and frankly Ben wasn't letting this go to waste. He led him, hand in hand, side to side at some points, when Ayin had stumbled sleepily against him. He would flush, because it just happened so easily, so unused to affection in this heartless society.
Eventually they had made it to a room with two cots on seperate sides, Ayin's messy even with how unused it was, and Benjamin's messy as well, but that was from use. No point in making a bed, why would there be? He let Ayin down gently and he relaxed into the cot, and he reluctantly let go of Benjamin's hand. Ben smiled fondly and couldn't help but pat at his head and Ayin looked away, shying away from the gesture. Boldly, he grabbed onto Benjamin's hand as he started to walk to his own cot to get ready for bed, and he turned around swiftly, ready to take care of any of Ayin's needs.
"Hey um, Ben?" His voice was raspy from lack of use.
"Yes, sir?" This display had surprised him, and it could be heard in his voice, and the way he tilted his head in confusion.
"Can you...um...I don't think I can sleep very well by myself so could you, could you maybe stay with me?" He looked ashamed, and the usually clear way he spoke was riddled with worry.
"Ah, what do you mean Ayin? Like sit here with you? We share a room," Benjamin laughed nervously, "I'm not able to leave you alone, truly."
Ayin huffed, "I mean I want you to, I want you to sleep beside me," he took more of an initiative but he still sounded shy about it all. Benjamin thought it was quite cute, and a flush that had calmed down from the hallway sank its teeth back into his cheeks. "Push your cot over here, there isn't enough room on this one for two of us."
"Okay!" Benjamin squeaked out like a little stuffed toy. He stumbled and got to it quickly, he didn't want to lose this chance of being close with his senior, a very rare occasion nowadays. He dragged the practically weightless cot from his side and pushed it against Ayin's cot, just like he had asked. Benjamin stood there, looking nervous and fumbling with his hands not quite sure what to do next, and he didn't want to do anything that might push Ayin away from him. Eventually, he spoke up, eyes darted to everything except his senior on the cot below him, "S-so, what, what would you like me to do now?"
Ayin sighed, and looked fondly up at him, the light in his eyes was an unusual sight and Ben started to stare instead of the nervous avoidance, "Ben, will you lie with me, please?"
Benjamin had felt himself flinch in shock, and then nod enthusiastically. "Of course, Ayin sir."
He thought about dropping the sir for something so intimate as sharing a sleeping space but the honorific was practically a normal term of endearment for him. It did little to remind him that this was his boss, and more of the fact that this was Ayin. Ayin, who always made him feel warm and gushy inside, who was both his light, and his dark, and who could create feelings within him that he thought were killed by this world long ago. He knew that he couldn't be those for Ayin, that role had been filled before they had even met, but it was just enough to be here with him. It always would be.
The warmth of the blankets did remind him of Ayin's light, as he laid keenly on his own cot, separated by the uncomfortable metal bar frames pressed together. The black haired man did not seem to have that in his own plans though, as he grabbed Benjamin's hand and held it. Their fingers intertwined and Ben let out an embarrassing whimper of defeat.
"You're so difficult!" He squeaked out, as he was very squeaky in general tonight.
Ayin chuckled and it felt as though time slowed. A rare sound, one that should be recorded and archived for future generations to experience because the way it sounded to Benjamin in that moment made all worries disappear. If he could hold his hand right now, and if he could be here by his side, laughing with him, then maybe everything will be okay. Maybe, just maybe Ayin could forget about fulfilling her ideals. Maybe he could pretend Benjamin never planned out the smoke war. Maybe they could be two men, living in a Nest that never cared about what was happening in their world.
His quick thought spiral was interrupted. "Can you hold me?" He looked over at Ayin, surprised, yet again by his words. Maybe he's dreaming. Well, he guessed it didn't really matter.
"Are, are you sure, Ayin?"
"You know I don't say things unless I'm sure, Ben," And he was right, Ben knew most of Ayin's tells at this point but this was just all so surprising to him. Ayin was never one to ask for such closeness and truly he couldn't help but get thrown for these loops. Then, he moved closer to him, said a quick "ow" when he moved over the metal bar, and he fell back onto his side, "I hate cots, we should have put queen sized beds in the budget plan…"
Benjamin laughed then, felt that his tension left him in that moment. "I agree, though who would have thought this would happen when making the living quarters budget?"
"Certainly not me," Ayin huffed into his pillows before turning from his side to his back, staring up at the concrete ceiling, "Do you think plants can grow without the light?"
It was certainly an off topic question, one he didn't understand the weight of in that moment, but one he had an answer to, "Hm…I've heard there's succulents, especially cacti that seem pretty resilient to harsh conditions such as lack of light and water… Why, did you maybe want a plant for down here?"
Ayin hummed, "No reason, no reason at all," He then pushed himself up and landed himself onto Benjamin's chest. He curled into him and reached for the blankets, "Now you can hold me. Thank you Benjamin for always being by my side."
Neither of them spoke. Ben because he didn't trust his voice at that moment, and Ayin because he fell asleep soon after his show of gratitude. Benjamin wrapped his arms around him as well, and even though those cots were notoriously uncomfortable, somehow this was the best sleep both of them had enjoyed in years.