Chapter Text
Mistake
The quartz stones that were protruding through the ground glistened from the purple rays littering the skies. Currently she was residing in her hive, the one that was transported to the land of Quartz and Melody upon her entry. Gazing at the anime posters that littered the wall Damara found that they didn't really appeal to her anymore. The bright and striking posters of magical girls and ninja trolls in contrast to their bleak situation depressed Damara, but she still feigned interest in them for Kankri.
Ever since they ended up being the last ones left...he's been distant. Damara tried to be polite and give him space but that didn't seem to be working. Nothing seemed to work now that she thought about it. Despite her efforts as Witch of Time, no matter what she did this timeline was doomed to fail. At first she thought about starting the scratch but she couldn't no matter how much she tried...the prospect of simply not existing made her angry and a little sick. After all their work and after all they went through...they were just an insignificant timeline that paled in comparison to the alpha. Damara also thought about traveling to the alpha to help out but she couldn't do that to Kankri...she couldn't leave him.
Fluttering her wings to shake herself out of her stupor Damara turned her head away from the window and looked around. Kankri was now on her mind and it was about time she checked up on him. "Kankri...are you there?" She called, her soft voice echoing through the hive.
Kankri heard her soft voice resonate through the hive though he didn't think he had the energy to respond. Well more like drive to be honest, all his motivation slowly seeped out of him as the days progressed. In fact Kankri more or less lost track of time. The days blending together until he wasn’t sure if it was morning or night. However Damara would remind him, how fitting with her being a time player, by her schedule. Every morning she was walk to the ablution trap and then go to the kitchen. After a few hours of her fussing about in the kitchen she was walk up the stairs and set a bowl down near the doorway. However he wouldn’t even touch it prompting her to take it back in a few hours. His appetite diminished along with his will.
With his head rested on his knees and his arms were wrapped around his legs Kanrki brooded on past events. Just how long had it been since the world fell apart? Since they'd discovered that their lives were practically nothing? The nights had begun to run together to, so he couldn't be completely certain. But then, did it really matter? Did anything? The memories they held, the hope long since abandoned? Were they worth anything in the end?
These had been the thoughts flooding through Kankri's mind for all this time. At first, things had been near catastrophic for him. He'd been able to suppress much of his horror around Damara, but the moment he was alone, it had taken him an hour to break out of his hysteria. He'd nearly lost consciousness from the hyperventilating.
He'd hardly said a word since then, save muttering to himself to try and console his mind. Because dammit, they had all been his responsibility. He'd been their leader, how could he have let them all die?
Luckily, no tears stained the corners of his eyes today, so he did not ignore her. He didn’t want to worry her after all. "Yeah." Not much, but it was something. More than he felt like saying, that was certain.
To Damara his voice seemed strained and tired. It was but a simple 'yeah' but it was the first thing Kankri said to her in a whole four days. It was like he forced it out of his protein shoot, not having the energy to say anything more. That did not bode well for Damara. For a Witch of Time her patience was wearing thin. Which was saying something seeing as she had all the time in the world. She thought by giving him some time and space he'd be able to collect and compose himself but that wasn't the case.
Maybe it was doing the exact opposite...oh god what if he thought she was ignoring him? A flash of panic made her wings flutter frantically. She needed to check up in him, but would he think she was invading his privacy or would he welcome her appearance. After contemplating the pros and cons Damara decided 'to hell with it' and ended up flying up the stairs to Kankri's room, careful not to make a sound. Now at his door Damara smoothed out the skirt to her god tier dress before making tentative knock on said door, she didn't want to startle him.
"Kankri may I come in?"’
"Of course." Kankri responded. Where there had once been arrogance, there was now nothing. The words came with nearly no emotion. Though, were one to assign it one, it would have to be hopelessness. He'd expected to get over all of this, or at least move on. And yet, there he was. Hurting, guilty, and, though he insisted that he would never say so out loud, afraid.
There were so many things have said. But no, even now, he held more false self-pride than he probably deserved. Granted, he had never believed in any of it, but it was all he had. The one thing to cling to, to try and trick himself into thinking that he wasn't a complete failure, that he wasn't something that was never meant to exist.
The hollow sound of Kankri's voice made Damara' mood plummet even further. However she shook it off and opened the door. Stepping into the room Damara was met with an extremely dejected looking Karkat, his blank stare which was directed at a window sent shivers up Damara's spine. He was so...numb. There was no resemblance of the usual Kankri, not even a flicker of annoyance at her suddenly deciding to intrude. Just...emptiness.
His was huddled into himself and he didn’t even look up when she came in. He just sat there. At that moment Damara felt a mix of...pity and the urge to wrap him up in a blanket and rest his head against her chest. It made her face heat up but at the same time...it made sense. God she wanted to comfort him but she didn't have the courage...she was just some meek eastern girl. She could just hear Meenah's haughty voice antagonizing her, blaming her for her failed relationship.
Fury suddenly bloomed in her chest, god she hated this. She hated Meenah outside of the realm of the caliginous quadrant, she hated this timeline, she hated how her friends were dead, and more importantly she hated the state in which Kankri was in. The fury grew until Damara was digging her nails into the palm of her hands. Her throat felt heavy to the point where she thought she was going to end up sobbing...but she didn't. Instead Damara kneeled down to Kankri's level and held her arm out, inviting him to come closer.
"Kankri please do not be sad alone. I want you to relieve emotions onto me," Damara admitted.
Kankri unwrapped his arms from around his knees, noting that they must have been there for some time, given how stiff they were. A few hours, at least. He cast his gaze upon Damara for only a second before turning them away again. "I have no idea what you're talking about." He was lying through his teeth now, and he was sure that it was obvious. "I'm fine." Yes, he was fine. He was broken. He was afraid. He felt as though his entire life was a pointless mistake. But he was fine enough to deny solace, to continue pretending that he didn't need to be comforted.
It was funny, really. There had always been many times when he'd suggested that people take pity on him. And yet, at the same time, he had never wanted any. He'd wanted to appear as the tragic hero who managed to come out on top despite the hardships. And here he was, curled up, holding back the urge to cry out in absolute agony. Hell, he didn't even have the sweater Porrim had forced onto him anymore. That had been lost in the incident which he would never speak of. No one would know about it. Well, now they certainly wouldn't.
His robotic movement and monotone voice worried Damara even more. Of course in Kankri fashion he turned her away, his, if she could even call it that even more, pride not allowing him to. Well maybe it was more like Kankri was using his pride in a way to cling to something. Back then Damara didn't speak much and still doesn't really because of her accent but because of that Damara learned to listen and observe. She didn't call herself an expert on muscle responses or facial recognition but besides him lying through his teeth his disposition was...fake. A fraud. It was nothing more than a glass casting of his former self, an ornament he was using as a shield. Kankri was close to breaking and Damara was determined to be there for him when it happened.
"Please Kankri...you hurt. You not well. But that okay. I am here for you. I know...friends gone. I know...everything is empty...but maybe it not really so empty. We have each other. You don't have to fake anymore. Go ahead. Be sad. Grieve. Cry. Scream. No one is here except you and me.” After that Damara spread out her arms, beckoning him to come closer into an embrace.
She would have thought he’d protest or maybe put up a fight but he didn’t. Of course Kankri didn't want to. More than anything, he didn't want to. He was strong. He was the leader. He was more than capable of taking care of himself, even if he hadn't been able to bring himself to get up in... how long was it? Didn't matter. Still refusing to make eye contact, he decided that it would be best to humor her a little. He wouldn't fall apart in front of her, that he would be certain of. He wouldn't let her see any weakness. That was all he had left. His facade, his hope that maybe, just maybe, he would be able to hold just a touch of respect. Of glory. And what good had that done him? Either way, he accepted the contact against everything he stood for. It seemed so long ago that he had shouted at anyone who even considered touching him. And yet now, he was clinging to her as though his life depended on it. As though holding on would fix everything, would bring them all back.
So Kankri held tight after all she was the only thing binding him to this hollow existence. When Kankri scooted over and returned her embrace his off spectrum...no fuck the spectrum. His candy red blood made it so his body was superheated, it was even warmer than hers. Not uncomfortably so either, but enough to envelop her in a radiating heat.
Placing her arms gently on his back Damara traced up and down his spine with her fingers in a soothing motion. Near the top of his spine she rubbed circles in the middle of his shoulder blades, all in an attempt for him to relax. Kankri was extremely stiff. He didn't need to pretend anymore. There was no need to be taut with grief and hopelessness. Sinking into despair was not part of the road before him...he needed to take to time to let go of his sorrows.
“You don’t need to pretend anymore Kankri,” Damara informed him. “There is nothing to be ashamed of. No more spectrum. No more judgment. Just us. You are not at fault...just how timeline is. But that ok. Because pride not needed anymore. It ok to need help. I want to help you.”
Half of him wanted to do as she said. To accept that this was how it was, and there was nothing they could do. But the other half knew that, while there was nothing they could do now, there had been at one time. Someone had screwed something up somewhere along the line. No. No, not 'someone'. Not just 'someone'. "I panicked...." Voice soft and rough. "She was depending on me...."
He could still picture it as clearly as when it had taken place. The way her eyes pleaded for him to save her, her screams of terror, the mess of teal blood which coated the grass as he just stood there staring. The creature-- Whatever it was, he had never figured out-- hadn't taken the slightest interest in him. As he'd stood there, paralyzed from the pure fear and disbelief, it had looked him dead in the eye, Latula's blood so very prominent. And it had walked away. It had walked away and killed the rest of them. All while he stood there. "I could have stopped it...."
Damara froze when she heard what Kankri said. He sounded so afraid and guilt ridden, his small body was still attached to hers like she was a lifeline. She didn't know what decimated the rest. Damara wasn't even sure if she wanted to now. She'd been preoccupied with multiple time shenanigans such as keeping her timeline from any nefarious paradoxes by manipulating time itself. In this world time was a glass cannon, she needed to make sure there was enough of it but not to much. It was fickle but endless. Manageable but only in the hands of a troll with a strong grasp, lest it slip away. Her time wasn't only spent...dealing with time but also...ascending to godtier.
Damara felt her throat tighten at the memory of it. She just wanted to know why...why Rufioh did it. She was so distracted she didn't notice a shadow approaching. What exactly it was...was a mystery. However she remembered the feeling of something cold sliding into her flesh and bones and then sliding out, creating a stream of blood which poured out of her wound. She remembered Rufioh, his eyes wide and his voice wavering. Most importantly Damara remembered seeing the back of his wings as he flew away...not even glancing back. Snapping out of her trauma fueled flashbacks Damara continued to rub Kankri's back, gently pushing him closer into her embrace.
"Nothing your fault. You not groups lusus. You not responsible for everything. Kankri you may be strong but not even all my time abilities and psychic powers could have prevented deaths. Even now if me went back I would just be at different timeline. If anyone's fault...it’s fate. Cruel fate. Fate made us play game, destiny is the culprit. Not you. Never you."
Kankri Vantas had a lot of secrets. More than he could be bothered to count. And all of these he had been determined to take to the grave. But one slipped out right then. Because it hardly mattered anymore. His vow didn't exactly mean much now.
"I loved her...." As many times as he'd tried to deny it, as many instances in which he'd attempted to push the thoughts out of his mind. He had loved her. But no, there was no past tense about it.
He still loved her, and it still hurt.
He repeated those three words, though the last was cut off by an involuntary sob. And that was all it took. Hands shaking, tears streaming down his face. Any defenses shattered in that moment, leaving him completely helpless.
Damara's stomach felt like ice when Kankri dropped those three words. Love was an extremely strong word and rarely ever used. Flushed was the common word...but love was almost taboo. For Kankri to mask his...love...under ''celibacy' and 'pride’ was probably the greatest feat Damara has ever heard of.Through all Meulin's constant talk of ships Damara figured that Kankri and Tula had something. Even with Mituna's and Latula's so called 'perfect flushed quadrant.' Damara knew first hand that there was no such thing as a perfect relationship, love was a bitch. A cold stone bitch. Oh the irony. Those three words that Kankri was reciting practically burned Damara's ears but she kept rubbing his back and even held him a little tighter. Then came the sob. His 'shield' was broken. There was nothing left but Kankri. No self-righteous, no social justice, no dignity. Just Kankri. As his sobs racked his small frame Damara rested his head on her chest and held him tight.
"Love is fickle...love is complex...love is hurt. Love at times...not worth it. However...I sure you're love was not for nothing. You are so strong Kankri and that love made you even stronger," Damara whispered. "It's cliche like from anime but it true."
Sure her and Rufio's love, if she could even call it that was extremely flawed, but it made her stronger in the end. After he left and her vision was fading she felt a surge of...something. A surge to prove to the world that she wasn’t some meek and compliant rust blood. She wasn’t about to let Rufio's unfaithfulness kill her. Meenah could go fuck herself as well. So she crawled. Using her nails Damara dug them into the ground and pushed herself forward. Each push was agonizing, the dirt cut into her open wound but she kept going. Crawling and pushing until she brought herself to that godforsaken slab. The rest...is history as far as she’s concerned.
"What will you do, then?" Half mumbled, voice catching. "You have immortality and no one to share it with."
Yes he would die and Damara would be left alone with the curse of immortality. If...worse case scenario arose he doubted she would be able to relieve that curse with a heroic or just death. Mentally berating himself for thinking like that as suicide was no joking matter Kankri felt his bloodpusher become heavy. Damara would be all alone...If he'd any intention of trying to calm down, it was as good as gone now.
Eyes screwed shut, his defenses had been breached. And there was no going back. For his entire life, he had told himself never to allow his head to be overruled by his heart. Had he always been so vulnerable? Yes, he'd been aware of how pathetic he was for a decent amount of time, but this was far worse than he ever could have imagined. Not a word was spoken on his part for a solid four minutes, though he was far from silent. He wasn't even trying to hold back anymore, there was no point. In time, it faded to only a few small sounds of emotional agony, accompanied by a cough or two.
"I...I don't know..." Damara admitted. The whole reason she was still here was because of Kankri...but what then? Maybe after she would travel through the timelines and linger. Maybe lend a hand or to and give the alternate Kankri a small advantage , though this one would be forever hers. She'd essentially be a god without a domain. That scared her. It scared her...but not as much as not existing. "I guess I'll just...exist. I share some of my time with you and when time runs out I go through other timelines. Wander and watch."
Damara didn't really have any emotional baggage. What happened was in the past, there was just Kankri and her. No matter how many times she'd look back at the past she knew that all those experiences made her who she was. Sure she still had flaws but she also had arisen anew. Her scars reminded her of her triumphs and her sacrifices. She overcame her struggles and fear. She was strong. Sure she had earned her godtier fair and square. She literally dragged herself through the dirt to get it. Hell if she hadn't done it she would have died, and then her dream self would have died. But at what cost? After Kankri died...who would she have left, herself? Desolation? No she had to stick to what she said. Even if it was an unnerving thought to be surrounded by alternate version of her friends.
A faint nod, though it was clear that he was deep in thought. "I imagine that it will only feel like an instant for you in comparison. No one ever expected me to survive long, anyway." To be completely honest, he was surprised-- And fairly disappointed-- that he had lived to see four sweeps. With his unique blood, no one was sure just how long he had, not even an estimate. Just that it wouldn't be nearly as long a life as anyone else.
Damara couldn't help but shudder at the thought of Kankri leaving so soon. It wasn't fair. Sure it was a little self centered but she wanted more time with Kankri...her Kankri. It was a well known fact that the lower the blood type the less time they had and Kankri wasn't even on the spectrum so Damara had no idea how long he had, not even an estimate. Maybe the absence of a known lifespan was a good thing, it would make her value her time with Kankri even more, but at the same time it just made scared.
"Aranea..." Fuck, it hurt to say her name. "She told me once about my ancestor. I'm not saying that I believed any of it, but she told me, nonetheless. Apparently hers had known him. She didn't explain much to me, but I did some research of my own. He died before his time, no one was able to document how long his lifespan was. Older than us, though...." He trailed off a bit before picking back up. "Imperial agents were searching for him. He knew that those around him would be in danger should they remain in his company, but that they would search for him should he leave. He gave up. Drowned himself." Quiet after that, eyes still suggesting that his thoughts were miles away.
When Kankri brought up his ancestor Damara was intrigued. Besides the hollow feeling upon hearing Aranea's name Damara was interested to learn more about his ancestor. Call it a morbid curiosity but his tragic ending peaked her interest. “Kankri why was ancestor being chased by imperial agents? Did he do something against empress?” As for her...Damara's ancestor was called Threnody. Her story was only known to Damara...and maybe the empress herself. She found her notes on a warm night on Beforus, before she joined Rufioh on his adventures. Damara was making a time capsule, as cliche as that was. It was mostly full of old anime gear, nothing of true sentimental value. While she was digging and sifting the dirt she was startled to find an old music box with her sign on it as well. Inside was a monologue of her life up until death. Though admittedly what Damara was interested in the most was the music box. It was a very simple music box made of a odd red metal. The music it played was divine. So much so that Damara never really showed it to anyone. Call her selfish but she wanted to keep this small treasure to herself. As of then it was in the depths of her sylladex, safely hidden.
"He and I... I suppose we're more alike than one would imagine. I followed in his footsteps without even realizing it. He ran away from the troll that culled him. I've no idea why that was ever such a crime, but whatever the reason, he was willing to risk execution for his freedom. Just as I would do hundreds of sweeps later. "He was an adult by the time he met his demise. I'm unsure his exact age, but...." A shake of his head, again appearing to have his thoughts wander. A long few moments of languor hung in the air, and when he began to speak again, it was more of a thought that unknowingly escaped his lips. "I always imagined that I would make it at least until then...."
Damara pursed her lips, culling was extremely glamorized in their society. Probably to relieve the high bloods’ guilt or cover up it's dark side to the masses. However Damara knew...being a lowblood and one that had friends culled. She even knew trolls who were culled and been used for...pale fetish material. Repressing a shiver Damara turned her attention back to Kankri. The sight of Kankri so lost in thought unnerved her a bit. He was in a tender state and she didn't want him treading on negative thoughts. Though it must have taken a lot of courage to run away like that for if he was caught, well the consequences would have been dire.
Letting those words sink in Damara took Kankri by the shoulder and pushed him back so she was making direct eye contact with him. "Kankri do not fret. If you want...I can try to manipulate time. Not sure if it will do much but if I am directly in control of time than maybe I able to at least slow down time for you. Can't make you immortal. But it will help, no?"
Honestly Damara didn’t know the full extent of her powers. Granted she had a much better grasp on it than before. She in theory was able to control the aspect of time itself. Time is an emergent concept. Throughout spacetime she was able to manipulate this abstract concept. The possibilities of its uses was practically limitless. That being said she wasn’t even sure if it could be applied to the aging process. Even then time was also a dimensional force, what if she accidentally aged Kankri or de aged him?
The offer was tempting in its own way. But there was an underlying thought which caused him to
shake his head. "It's not worth it." A number of reasons why. Because he was afraid, because something could go wrong, because maybe he just didn't want to live for any longer than he had to.
Or maybe it was in fear of the other thing. Dragging it out.
No, he couldn't think about that now. He'd managed to hide it for this long, and it was still a ways off. Or so he assumed. He wasn't exactly an expert on this sort of thing, or how long it took. It was all a game, and not one he was exactly thrilled to be playing. He could have gone on. Told her everything. But was that the best way to go about this? How was one even meant to reveal this, even under normal circumstances? And now? Now that it was just the two of them? That only made things harder.
He was hiding something...that much he could tell. Whenever Rufioh was lying or trying to hide his relationship with Horuss his left wing always twitched, just a bit to the point where no one could tell unless they really focused on it. Kankri on the other hand would go silent and reply in short sentences, like he didn't want to risk revealing anything else. She didn't blame him, after all Kankri was a very private person and some things were not anyone’s business. She was surprised he even let her know this much, but Damara also needed to know what happened. Now that she thought about it whatever killed the others might be still lurking around. She needed to protect Kankri...and herself. Damara also was getting a bit paranoid as well. Something could be lurking in the shadows...watching them.
Slowly putting her hand up Damara softly cupped Kankri's cheek, reassuring him that she cared. "Kankri if you don't want to I won’t. But you worth it Kankri. You worth many things. You deserve all time in universe. If you really don't want to do it fine. That ok. I don't want to push you into it. However also I need answer. I worried that whatever...killed the others...still out there. Please Kankri I know it hard but can you recount what happened? What did it?" Damara knew it would be painful to remember but she needed to know. There were many reasons why, to keep Kankri safe, revenge, even a tiny bit of curiosity. As sick as it was Damara wanted to know what could have killed them so easily.
Recount... what happened...? Kankri stared up at her for a second or two in complete silence. "I...." Come on. Come on, just say it. "I don't know.... I don't know what it was...." The picture was clear in his mind, far clearer than he'd have liked. "It... it was huge. No legs, just... just arms. Skeletal, almost." Calm down. Calm down, Vantas. "With-- with claws." Claws that ripped Latula apart, spraying her blood far enough that some of it splattered on his face.
Any resolve was gone as knees buckled under him. On the floor, he stared at nothing with wide, tear-filled eyes as the scene replayed in his mind. Breaths were rapid yet heavy, and somehow weren't supplying him with the oxygen he required. Shaking hands clutched tightly to the opposite arms as they wrapped around himself. Screaming. Begging for him to save her. Then silence. The the creature's retreat. Then bolting back to where they had set up base camp, determined to lie, to say that her last words had been an instruction to tell Mituna that she loved him. Only to be greeted with carnage.
Standing there, counting the colors in a horrified stupor. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Plus Latula. Ten. But no burgundy. No sign that Damara had been among them. Telling himself that he should go find her and assure her safety because oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God he couldn't be the only one left.
He was having a complete trauma induced nervous breakdown right in front of her. His piercing eyes were focused on something that Damara could not see and candy red tears streaked down his cheeks. In a flash Damara had enveloped Kankri again, prying his arms apart so he wouldn’t accidentally scratch himself and...shoosh papping him. Lightly stroking his face Damara calmly shushed him. As of then pale feelings were heavy in her chest, just the sight of him, fear stricken and breaking down made her pity him so much. After all he went through, his struggles with culling, burying his own desires, being ridiculed by others, and the social conforms brought on by his blood type...god she pitied him so much it physically pained her.
Wiping away the tears Damara continued to shush him in an effort to calm him down. “It’s ok Kankri, I’m here. Monster is not.” He was hyperventilating, his breath coming in short bursts. If this continued he’d pass out. Damara prayed that her shoosh papping was working.
Even with her gentle paps the screams continued to echo in his head, even long after she began comforting him. His irregular breathing stopped suddenly, only to be replaced with a series of violent coughs. No fewer than fifteen, one right after the other, feeling as though his throat were being ripped apart with each. Hands clung to her once again, though his head instinctively turned to the side, coughing into his arm rather than onto her. When he finally quieted, he appeared to have calmed significantly. Or perhaps he was just focused on the red liquid which now dotted his arm and lip.
For a second thought Kankri responded extremely well to her...pale advances but then he started coughing. Each cough made Damara flinch however she didn't stop comforting Kankri. Instead she started rubbing his back in an attempt to sooth the obvious pain he was in. She felt something wet splatter against her face but she assumed it was just spit. However that assumption was shattered when he started coughing into his arm. For when his coughs subsided...blood was splattered on his arm and lips.
Horrified, Damara lifted a hand up to her face and wiped the liquid off with a finger. It was also blood. Damara's practically seen it all, she fought monsters throughout her land, witnessed her former love abandon her, hell she stared death straight in the eye, but this was on a whole new level. Was he sick? Was he injured? So many thoughts rushed through her head. Her blood pusher was pounding rapidly and her hands was shaking. Looking back at Kankri Damara forced herself to take a breath.
"Kankri where does it hurt? Kankri is it throat? Do you need water?" She asked him slowly.
Looking through her sylladex Damara grabbed a bottle of water and small rag, something she had on hand when she used to take long hikes with Rufioh. After she grabbed the items Damara scooted closer to Kankri and wiped the blood off his face and arm using the cloth. Then she uncapped the bottle and put it in his line of vision.
"Please drink."
Though he accepted the drink with a shaky hand-- Nearly coughing some of it back up-- he returned to refusing to meet her eyes. "Thank you. I'm fine." It was a blatant lie, of course. Why had it had to happen now? Why not when he was alone? He had known that the blood would start to come in time, but not so soon.
Standing, he allowed him to take a few deep breaths as he crossed his arms in front of his chest as he'd done so many times before. "You should go." Just that one request, tone harsh. Harsh, yet with an undertone of fear.
Damara narrowed her eyes at his response. That was a load of bullshit, was he seriously keeping up this little facade of his? After all that happened, he was still trying to preserve his 'pride.' Besides being slightly miffed at the fact that Kankri was still keeping up the act Damara was very scared. Scared for Kankri. Scared for his safety and well being. Standing up along with Kankri Damara looked down at him and put her hands on her hips. She had to do something. As much as she wanted to forget this ever happened and give Kankri the space she needed, Damara also reminded herself of her oath. How she wouldn’t be walked on anymore and that when needed, she’d take her stance.
"Lies. All lies. You obviously not fine. You are ill. Though I do respect wishes I care more about you than I do privacy," Damara told him. "Need I remind that you had panic attack and coughed up blood?" She didn't want to bring it up but she had to for his sake. This couldn't go on, she needed to know, to end this charade. "Kankri what happened? Who or what is murderer? And why health failing?"
Kankri didn’t look at her when she ask. Instead he stared intensely at the ground. This was it. He'd failed at hiding it, and now he was going to have to tell her. How was he supposed to do this? It had to be immoral. It had to be. For her to sit on this, it made him almost sick. It wasn't fair to either of them. Quiet for three, four, five seconds. Just choose the words carefully. Make it gentle. She had gone through so much already, she didn't need to suffer any more than she already had, than she already would.
"I had a reason why I asked you what you'll do when I die." Stop beating around the bush. "I always assumed that my life expectancy would be at least a little longer than this. As for what.... As for what that thing was, I can't say that I know. I'm sorry, but I have no idea." A lengthy inhale. "Damara, I'm sorry." Sorry for not having the answers. For letting them all die. For having to leave her sooner than she had thought.
Right then and there...Damara's world crumbled. After all she fought for, after all the trials she faced, everything still came crashing down. Damara wasn't really sure of anything anymore. Well the only thing she was sure of was that Kankri...her pale crush and dear friend...was dying. She thought she'd have more time or at least the time she needed to heal before his death. However that didn't seem like the case. Everything felt so numb...Damara should have seen the signs, the distance he put between them, the talk of his ancestor, everything. Well maybe she did see the sign but she refused to acknowledge them. After all ignorance is bliss.
Still frozen into place Damara felt a single tear trickle down her cheek. This wasn't fair, this was just some cruel joke, some messed up prank. A part of her told herself that she shouldn't even be crying for Kankri was the one who was dying but she couldn't help it.
Her hand seemed to move on it's own as it clumsy grasped onto Kankri’s and with a small trembling voice Damara began to speak. "Kankri I'm so sorry. I am sorry for everything. The offer still stand though. We can't give up. There still hope. We can’t let the game win. However...if you still say no...then please let me make you comfortable until death. Let me take care of you until then." Damara couldn't give up like this, she was empowered. If there was a chance that she could give Kankri time then dammit she'd grasp onto it for dear life. If he choose not to go through with it...well then Damara would be devastated...but at the same time she cared about Kankri to much to really let her needs overshadow his.
"No." Still not looking up. Doing so would let him see the hurt he was sure lingered in her eyes, and he couldn't take that. Not right now. "No, I.... It's not going to be pleasant, I'm afraid that doing what you suggest would only drag it out. If I must be put through it all, then let it at least be quick." Many a time, he had considered ending it before it even began. But then the tragedy, and he certainly couldn't do it then.
"I understand that it's selfish. I should be trying to stay with you for as long as possible. But I... I can't. I can't do this, I... I don't want to do this...." No, Kankri, don't start crying again. There had been far too much of that for one day. "Please don't make me do this...."
Of course. Even if she gave Kankri more time he'd still be suffering. He'd still cough up blood and he'd still be in pain. Dammit why couldn't she by a sylph or a life player? This whole thing was just one tragedy after another. Everything that could have gone went wrong or at least from Damara's perspective it did. This wasn't even an obstacle for her to overcome, this was death plain and simple. She wouldn't get stronger from this, she'd just sink further into depression. Here she was contemplating the death of her last and only friend. Waiting for his demise. Well if it was to be than she would make sure that Kankri's last moments would be worth it. She'd take care of him...but she'd also take care of unfinished business. Whatever decimated her friends was going to pay. Damara was going to make it pay. Clenching her fists until her knuckles turned white Damara looked back at Kankri who looked like he was about to cry again. Pity immediately flowed back and Damara was at his side once again.
"No no...it fine Kankri. I upset but I understand. You don't deserve to suffer. Not selfish," Damara reassured him. "You tired, too much for one day. Need rest." Although he wouldn’t admit it Kankri was extremely exhausted. He hadn’t had a good nights sleep in ages. Squeezing his hand a bit Damara began leading him to a coon that was set up in his room. Just the sight of it made her tired but she couldn't rest now. Not until the monster was gone.
Whoever had come up with the idea for the recuperacoons, Kankri made a note to thank them once death took him. For this was the only thing that was able to sooth him, to fend off the memories which plagued him. More than once since the others had died, he had accidentally fallen asleep outside of it. And that, that had proved to be almost catastrophic mentally.
"Thank you." The words were sincere, though perhaps somewhat guilty. After all, she certainly had to be going through a lot, as well. And yet, they were focused on him. The dying one, the lost cause. "You sleep, too, okay?" Just to be sure that she wouldn't stay up and fret. "You deserve a rest as much as I do." Damara nodded but that simple nod was a blatant lie on her part. She couldn’t rest when there was so much at stake.
Now Kankri could wait for her to fall asleep and find a blade or length of rope or fabric. He could wander out into the wilderness. Hell, he could do something as simple as drown himself in the substance meant to pacify him as he rested. They all were tempting offers. But no, he would be considerate. He would stay, if only for her.
Damara was so tired, this whole day was emotionally draining. Just looking at the recuperacoon made her eyes itch and droop. Not today though, not until she made sure there was nothing lurking in the shadows. God she was so tired but Kankri thanks gave her a bit of energy. Do it for him. This is all for him. Of course when she would leave she'd make sure the ask was secure, use her time magicks and surround the place so whatever tried to enter would be slowed down and she'd be alerted. Though should she lie and tell Kankri she was going to sleep? To give him peace of mind? Or should she come clean? Damara could always mix the truth with a lie. For his sake though, this was all for him.
Letting go of his hand Damara turned away to look out the window. "Later. Need to make sure place secure. Patrol area. Make sure safe." With that said Damara turned around and placed a hand on his head. "Don't worry. Won't go far." Hopefully she’d be able to find it. She was confident she was powerful enough to defeat. However if she couldn’t find it in a 24 hour period she’d go back, Damara didn’t want to worry him. If she did find it and kill it, she’d just tell Kankri that she ran into.
“Sleep Kankri. Pleasant dreams.” Taking her hand off his head Damara walked out the room, not before giving Kankri a small smile.