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001.
One day, I realized that I had lost my ability to love.
The badge hanging on my chest didn’t seem to prove my identity, the two words “Ji-yeong” looked very strange, I walked quickly into the washroom and tried to wake myself up with cold water.
I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself in the opposite directions, with my cheeks covered with traces of water, wondering if that self inside still has the ability to love.
The me in the mirror looked like me, but not me.
We share the same feeling of helplessness, fear of the past, we shake our hands at the same time, deflate our mouths at the same moment, we cannot shed tears at the same time, perhaps the same sadness seeps out of our hearts.
This feeling was like a pony running in the wilderness suddenly fell into a hole covered by thatched grass. The pony believed that there was a flat ground covered with weeds and stepped on it with confidence, so it fell and couldn't touch it, couldn’t reach the bottom. During its process of falling, the pony thought:
"What on earth can make me believe anymore?"
There is no answer.
Thinking of this, I squeezed my face, as if seeing my hands in the mirror turned into a pair of horseshoes, unreal, yet very real. It feels rough, the touches feel so rough, but I don’t know if it’s coming from the skin of my face or the skin of my hands.
Today, is the second anniversary of Kang Sae-byeok’s disappearance and the third year since she left me.
At first, I thought it was just a joke, just like she usually did to get back at mine. After such a joke, came surprises for me, flowers, trips, and all kinds of weird gadgets, but I knew, that her appearance and company were the sources of my happiness.
Our relationship is like a kite and a person, far and near, however, I still believe there is always an invisible string that holds us together, leading us. Or maybe I’m addicted to this kind of improbability.
I often feel conditioned like Pavlov’s dog, used to playing and disappearing, which is a joke in others' eyes, because I will wipe out the discomfort when I get a taste of sweetness. It was not like that, I also tried to express my worry and loss during this period of losing her, she said that a temporary departure from a port doesn’t mean not returning to the voyage.
We all understand the truth about not being in the morning and evening, but she eventually receded with the tide.
Probably all the previous shots were used as vaccinations for me, and the pain caused by this disappearance of Kang Sae-byeok did not seem so obvious. But this pain, like the waves that fondling, rubbing on the beach, continuously and tenderly washing me into the shape of sadness, my tears were poured into the sea, the sandy beach of my heart left a trail of water flowing
Like her position in my heart, sorrow dense in the air, over time like blowing more sea breeze, face covered with dry salt, I don’t know whether it’s tears or sea salt. This situation often happens, I do not know how to improve, or forget. Rather, It’s almost impossible to forget a memory, It’s only allowed to be covered up, once the cover cannot stay still, the dam will break. We all know the truth that dredging is better than blocking, but what is the way to dredge? I’m speechless in this scenario
I gradually became afraid and withdrawn, pretending that I was still happy, making myself look less pitiful, and numbing myself to hide the pain.
And so it went, all this, finally on this day, where I found that I had lost the ability to love.
…
The nights before, I dreamed of Kang Sae-byeok several times, the person who gave me her last name. When I woke up, just to face the confusion, my usual dreams about her were like passing clouds, I knew she was the main character in my dreams, but I’ve never remembered each episode so clearly as in these days, so real that it was not just a dream, but more like a replica, like a documentary.
These dreams maybe some kind of foretelling; foretelling today’s loss, foretelling the ability to “love” that I had lost along with her, giving me fictional stories like a flashback to comfort my so-called tree of love. Withered.
And today's loss wasn’t foretold, and what happened next together constituted the ensuing accident.
I received a letter from Kang Sae-byeok that night.
(Oh, I'll never love again
Never love again)
002.
She’s a person hard to describe, like a combination of all contradictions in the world, the same happened to her letters.
Opening the envelope, at first glance, the letterhead looked more like a note secretly passed in class than a letter. This makes one wonder about the amount of information that can be carried in this space. A closer look reveals that the letterhead has been cut off at a surprising length, and the content of the letter ends abruptly here, but it seems that for formal completeness, Kang Sae-byeok has added a closing note in small letters above the cut-off words.
The message was completely inexplicable, and not even a complete letter. I turned the message over and over again, to see why it was cut off, the traces of ink fainting, and the scribbled address on the back. It was Fairbanks, Alaska.
The reason should have been written after the “because”, but it was torn away. Seriously?
What is the unspeakable secret? How did she move to such a remote place? And when was this letter sent? How long has it been since the “now” when the letter was written?
But this letter was indeed written by her hand.
It was late at night, I couldn’t sleep, so I lit the lamp, took her black and white photo out from the drawer and placed it on my chest, and looked out her window with the light sources in the dim living room.
At this moment, we should enjoy the same night sky, long winter that prolongs the night's stay.
Is she looking at the night sky, at the same time?.
The TV tower in the distance is twinkling with red and white lights, Christmas is coming.
I sipped the coffee in my hand, my sight seemed to be able to pass through the darkness of unknown time and thousands kilometers to the table where Sae-byeok was leaning over her letter, as if I could see her face again, her slightly curved nose and stable eyes, her distressed expression and deep mind, are just like her inexplicable past and hidden secrets, the obscurity attracted me.
What has happened in the past few days was a strong hint of something.
I began to pack my bags and check my flight schedule for an early morning flight today.
(Wish I could, I could've said goodbye
I would've said what I wanted to
Maybe even cried for you)
003.
When the soles of snow boots made a crunching sound on the snow, I felt like I was in the polar winter.
On the way from the airport to the station, I’ve never seen snow falling from the sky. The driver with Hepburn’s head said that the snow stopped an hour before the flight landed, and that the snow had filled every corner of the city like smoke. So she strapped anti-skid chains on the tires before arriving to greet her guests.
“You know, municipalities cannot always keep up with the weather, all over the world.” The Hepburn-headed driver craned her head over to me in the front seat and said.
“Yeah. It’s like plans don’t catch up with change.”
“If you don’t mind my asking, Miss. You don’t look like a Korean-American, do you? What are you doing out here by yourself? If it’s to enjoy the Aurora, it may not be too lonely for one person.”
The car stopped in front of a traffic light, The red light overhead seemed to alert the whole city. It filled most of the night sky. I had never seen such a dazzling traffic light.
Aurora?
Kang Sae-byeok did not mention the Aurora to me. But I still acted as if I was prepared.
“Why made it strange for a person to enjoy the Aurora alone?” I asked tentatively.
“Because there is an old legend that if the newlyweds enjoy the Aurora together, they will be happy for a lifetime.” The Hepburn-headed driver said here a soft laugh, as if she was remembering what sweet past.
I didn’t answer. I cast my eyes out the window and the car slowly drove on, the scenery transforming into a horizontal pillar of neon light through the window glass that was blurred by the heat inside the car.
“By the way, you like Audrey Hepburn? I mean your hairstyle, very alike.”
“Ah, yes, I was a fan of Hepburn when I was a little girl. Growing up, even after learning so much about her. about all these things, I still liked her.”
She held the steering wheel with one hand, preciously supporting her hair with the other hand.
A few moments later, I crossed the tiny city to the outskirts, the car pulled up in front of a cafe according to the address indicated on Sae-byeok’s note.
“This is it. Have fun in Fairbanks.”
Paying the fare, we exchanged Christmas wishes as the Hepburn-headed driver expertly turned the car around and rattled off toward downtown as if I hadn’t been here before.
I lit up my phone screen and it was 22:00. Christmas Eve.
At this time a gust of wind blew, the scarf hanging in front of my chest symbolically trembled, as if to indicate that the gust of wind itself received the message; a few pieces of paper fireworks floated with the wind to my feet, I looked in the direction they came from, the end of the street vaguely heard a burst of cheers, but I was in the remains of the carnival.
A sudden contact, a letter with no end, a city I had never heard of, a female driver with vintage tastes, a strange suburb, and a cafe that was still open on Christmas Eve.
All these elements together gave me the impression of confusion, like a collection of various unrealistic phenomena,
“Am I really going to see her…”
Letting out a long breath and inhaled a large gulp of cold air, an exhalation that sent shivers down my spine and brought a sense of reality to the now unreal reality.
I took two steps forward and pushed the door of the cafe.
(I don't wanna waste a moment, ooh
And I don't wanna give somebody else the better part of me
I would rather wait for you, ooh)
004.
The "tingling" sounds of the doorbell rang. The door was opened with a creaking sound, and the singing harmonizing in the house leaked out like a stream of water.
“Merry Christmas, what can I do for you?” A certain figure sitting at the bar said without looking up.
Hearing the voice, my heart missed a beat.
Not her.
It’s funny. Looking at the way I’ve gotten to the point where everything was hers, maybe my expectations were a little sick.
I walked over to the bar, grabbed the wine list, “You have mojitos?”
“We don’t, currently. Sincerely apologize for this inconvenience.”
What a huge breakdown. I thanked her, ordering a cocktail at random, then asked the bartender if there was any staple food available.
“Of course. What would you like?” The bartender got up, took out the menu from the side, spread it out, and handed it to my eyes.
If it was Kang Sae-byeok, she would choose s picy food .
So I picked up the menu and ordered the spicy tuna pasta, as I handed it back to the bartender, I glanced at her,
An anonymous face with delicate features, although It’s good-looking, It’s forgettable, a face that looks like a patchwork. Having said that, why would a bartender bother wearing a bowler hat?
When I untied my scarf, took off my jacket, and sat down on the soft leather sofa, as if my whole body was swallowed up, the exhaustion from the day and night journey surfaced and wrapped me up. Leaving behind the absurd question of why a bartender wears a bowler hat; not far away, the resident singer was still singing, slowly, softly, lazily, like a lullaby, burrowing into my consciousness, smoothing out the wrinkles caused by various unrealistic phenomena. I closed my eyes carelessly and fell into a light sleep.
The anonymous bartender put down two cocktails in front of me, and the sound of the bottom of the glass touching the table awakened me.
"Mind if I sit down?" she asked.
"Please sit down," I said vaguely.
“The drink you ordered is called AMF, the full name is Adios, Motherfucker, Farewell, bastard.”
“Oh.” I looked at the glass in my hand just to see the through, flashing blue light shimmering in my palm, too clear for its name.
"Before I met her, I had no plan to say farewell." I thought to myself.
“So miss, are you here to find Kang Sae-byeok?” The anonymous bartender took a sip of the wine and cast her eyes over the brim of the top hat to me.
I nodded, gesturing for her to continue.
“Sae-byeok used to work with me. The day she left, she asked me to help her out. If a small-sized Korean girl with short brown hair, round nose stud, and a soft voice comes looking for her, please lead her to the wooden house.” The anonymous bartender paused, she continued after staring at me for a second,
“Also reminded me that, the girl’s hair may have grown over time, but the height is definitely half a head shorter than her. Sae-byeok said the girl was her ‘special one’”
The reminder made me giggle slightly, but soon snapped back to my thoughts.
The special one? Everyone in the world is special. How many “special ones” does a person have?
If that were true—that I’m really her “special one,” she didn’t have to leave me either.
I looked up at the anonymous bartender,
"When did she leave? Or, Her last message? Something like that…"
“About six months ago,”
“That’s why, I’m not sure if she’s still there, we haven’t kept in touch for a while.” The anonymous bartender said in an apologetic tone.
Possibilities again. Life was full of so many possibilities lately, but the backside of the possibility seems to be impossible.
The series of events since that note gave me a rough and hazy feeling, I had no choice but to climb up the rope Kang Sae-byeok left me. As for what the top of the cliff is, the wasteland or It's a lush meadow, you only know when you go up.
(If I knew it would be the last time
I would've broken my heart in two
Tryna save a part of you)
005.
I sat on the back of the anonymous bartender’s heavy motorcycle, the wind blowing in my ears in the autumn and winter, bitterly cold. Fortunately, it was a clear night.
The locomotive tires ran over the snow on the road and drove slowly. surrounding air seemed to become stagnant along with the slow forward speed, and uncertainty mixed in with it, making my mind even more chaotic, like watching a coin of destiny being tossed up and spun in the air just to wait for a happy ending.
My love for her seems to be unconditional and indirect; to put it another way, I love her not only when I see her, but when I think of her, I find that I love her. At this moment, I was surrounded by snow, which emitted a faint glow with all the light I could receive; when I squinted, it looked like a mist, like a dream; maybe she felt like a dream to me, or Dreamland, maybe I can only see her in a dreamland. I couldn’t tell, and I didn’t want to explore the cause, I only knew the phenomenon of loving her.
So at this moment on the snowy field, I still love her for no reason.
But the reflective love that had only become a phenomenon seemed a bit strange. I always felt that I was standing on false grass laid on a trap under my feet, and this kind of love made me fall at any time.
When I came back to my senses, the anonymous bartender had parked the car in front of a small wooden house. The light cannot be seen through the window.
“This fellow Sae-byeok is really hard to find.” The anonymous bartender took off her helmet and let out a long sigh of relief, mixing the smell of humans in the dry air.
“I know right. Like a wildcat who loves to hide things, she’s sure hiding herself deep this time.” I handed the helmet back to the anonymous bartender without feeling the expected cold, and then took off my scarf and jacket and shook them in the air.
“Hey hey, careful, the winter here is no joke.”
“Thanks, I just needed some fresh air.”
The anonymous bartender smiled, turned to straddle her motorcycle, saying goodbye to me.
“I won’t wait with you, I have to continue my night shift since today's turnover hasn’t been completed. Here’s the bad thing about being alone, always bear the heaviest responsibility on holidays like Christmas Eve.”
"Turnover" should be the most authentic and smoky word I could hear in today's loss.
“By the way, I don’t know your name yet?” The anonymous bartender asked.
“My name—It’s Kang Ji-yeong.”
The anonymous bartender was amused,
“It’s like there were some kinds of fate? You two give me a similar ‘breath’. In the end, it’s sharing a last name.”
“I wanna think the same, but no one has ever said that we are alike. This is...the first time that "breath" has been said."
I looked at the anonymous bartender, staring into her eyes.
“So—may I know your thoughts, about ‘breath’. Please?”
“I realized it the first time I saw you. It was similar, something. When I looked into your eyes. it was as if I saw Kang Sae-byeok.” said the anonymous bartender.
As soon as the voice fell, a puff of green smoke faintly came out from the winding mountains in the sky, like a sign of something approaching.
“Okay. Miss Kang, good luck! Please deliver my hello when you find the other Kang.”
“Wait! What’s your name?” I shouted looking at the anonymous bartender from behind.
“Does my name matter to you?” The anonymous bartender waved at me, “Merry Christmas.”
The only sound followed behind was the roar of the engine.
“…Merry Christmas.”
(When we first met
I never thought that I would falls)
006.
After saying goodbye to the bartender, the surroundings became quiet again. The only noise in the atmosphere was the orange light hanging in front of the cabin. I dusted the steps of the hut, sat on it with my legs bent and knees hugged, leaned against the support column, holding the coat and scarf I was holding on hand, and with the light spilling over me, I became the caretaker of this place.
Strangely enough, the trip was like an endless ferry ride from the airport to another airport, to the café and then this cabin; the Hepburn-headed driver and the anonymous bartender were the ferrymen, but their faces were erased, only functional functions remained, so that I didn’t have the actual feeling of being "shored" now. But tiredness seemed to be a river in the flood season, as long as there is a slight gap, it will squeeze the dam, so my consciousness broke.
I didn’t know how long it took, when I opened my eyes, Kang Sae-byeok sat next to me.
(I never thought that I'd find myself
Lying in your arms, mm, mm)
007.
“A little brown bear.” She said to me.
“A little brown bear?” I repeated her words with learntly tongue, “Years passed, and that’s the first thing you say when we see each other again?”
There was a hint of anger in my voice.
How long had I been asleep, anyway?
“It’s cute, but,” Sae-byeok said while casting her gaze into the distance.
In this long polar night, the stars had filled the sky, light, and darkness intertwined, ribbon-like green Aurora was like bright bright paint mixed in the night, swallowing away at the night sky, giving people a suffocating sense of oppression, I just opened my mouth wide, wasn’t able to say anything; while the stars dotted above the Aurora, the combination of stars and Aurora seemed like the Milky Way, about to follow my breath into my lungs, making my inner part twinkling, just like I’m this Milky Way, the Milky Way of wisdom, like my existence of temporality lost its original meaning, as if I was standing in the four-dimensional space, time became a visible scale, to remain still is eternal.
While after, Sae-byeok stood up, standing in the middle of the snow, draped in the low night sky covered by the Aurora, the silhouette of her slim body reflecting a layer of faint orange light; with the interplay of white, green, and orange, it seems difficult for words to describe such a scene, as if she belongs to this landscape.
I mean, she is. Kang Sae-byeok, dawn. The Northern Lights of the Dawn.
When my eyes adjusted to the hue, the surroundings became slightly brighter, so I got up, walked over to Sae-byeok, and together we looked up at the hanging Aurora together.
“The best time to meet, as stated in that note. The ‘now’ that was mentioned then, is it still now?” I asked.
“‘Now’ has always been now. As long as you are sure, it will always be this moment.” She stared unblinkingly into the distance, like she was gazing at something. “Although time is something that passes away and never returns, it does stay somewhere eternally.”
“For example?"
“For example, here?” Sae-byeok touched my forehead with her index finger, flicked it.
I raised my head slightly and gazed into Sae-byeok’s eyes, seeing my reflection in those mettled—gentle pupils, my hand unconsciously stroking her cheek, fingertips brushing the familiar faint freckles, which was cold.
“Living near the polar circle, remember to keep warm, because no one will remind you to add clothes like I always do.”
“Of course. But don’t you wear very little?” Sae-byeok said to me with a smile.
“Not feeling cold at all.”
“Neither do I.”
The Aurora in the distance began to change color, green edges fading to pale pinks, like the outer flames of a green fire burning, and under such a dome of the sky, our fate seemed to be only a trivial border of the grand world.
Kang Sae-byeok took my hand and walked through the sparse woods in the opposite direction.
We walked on the path in the snow, the trees standing by the roadside created an atmosphere of a time tunnel; the thick snow underfoot was often mixed with dead leaves, the sound of rustling when we stepped on them gave me a little sense of distant reality.
We held hands and memories emerged unconsciously.
The last time I walked with Kang Sae-byeok was about a century ago, and we were the same as now. We walked, looking tacitly at the far distance ahead, loading nothingness into our own vision. but what we received was each other; the lightly interlocked fingers seemed like a passage between the two souls, conveying each other's image and heart to the depths of the other. All the surroundings were witnesses of our happiness, and I was a record to them, including the scenery, atmosphere and the heart seemed to be close.
We strolled through the cracks of the city, through the streets and alleys covered with daylight and night, and then to the wonders of Jeju; we strolled through the breakwaters of the sea, jumping on the chaotically arranged wave-eliminating blocks; we strolled through the still-warm beach, barefoot enjoying the waves and gradually falling into it, just like my love for her, which had fallen because of such, and such other details.
And there she was, strolling through the low woods of the snowfields with a little brown furry bear, so similar to the previous ones, both for her and for me.
⋯
“I think I’ve got a fear of intimacy.” Sae-byeok suddenly said.
“What?” My consciousness seemed to break a bit.
“Meaning, since I first met you, the closer I get to you, the more easily I get hurt, anxious and manic-depressed, or worse, myself.”
“The sad thing is that this came from myself; again, fortunately, these problems didn’t come from you.” She continued.
“We seem to be open to each other, but certain important dark corners, those dark corners that threaten my existence, don’t ever have a light shining through.”
“So those moments of avoiding and leaving me were actually your last resort to heal your wounds?” I asked.
“Yes,” Sae-byeok said with a bitter smile.
I knew something: there was an irreparable separation between us, which has existed for a long time, yet I seemed to ignore its existence intentionally or unintentionally, so that she was left alone to suffer so much; but what could I do even if I had known? The answer, I’m afraid, is that there is nothing I can do about it. So probably this is also her last tender, choose to bear these alone, will protect me in the greenhouse, let the cherry blossom like our love bloom as beautiful as possible, and then withered, she also ushered in the long-expected greater destruction.
Suddenly, a gust of wind blew, the tips of our short hair fluttered, the otherwise was silent.
“Know what? Kang Sae-byeok, I’ve been told that lovers who have seen the Aurora together will be happy for a lifetime.” I said softly, and at the same time my throat became dry, moisture gradually collected to the eye sockets, and the nasal cavity was also sour.
“It’s like…” My emotions didn't support me in the second half of the sentence.
“Like we are now.” And Kang Sae-byeok finished it for me.
A hug finally came. It was the hug I had begged for so many times, the hug I begged for when I witnessed the beauty, the hug I begged for when I felt separated from this dangerous world, the hug I begged for when I was suffering from sorrow, and the hug I begged for in my numb life.
She embraced me gently, as if we had never been apart.
I whimpered some meaningless sounds, unable to say a word.
“Say, during this journey… you were looking for me, or you were looking for yourself?”
“If it was for me, then you must have the answer already,”
Kang Sae-byeok loosened her arms and supported my boneless weight up. Our eyes met, they were burning from the chemicals, even when our breaths were breezing under the white layers.
“We are no longer in the same world, Ji-yeong.” She said.
(And I wanna pretend that it's not true
Oh, baby, that you're gone
'Cause my world keeps turnin', and turnin', and turnin'
And I'm not movin' on)
008.
Through the dim tears, blurry vision. I resembled to see us standing side by side on the lake, the water surface is filled with mist, the vapor spreads in the direction of wind blowing, drowning us in this warm winter.
In the distance came the faint sound of a song, “I’ll Never Love Again,” which she often sang, but now, for now, she was indeed by my side again, the existence of the hand I was holding.“
"All this happened in my imagination, right? From the moment I received your letter."
"Not at all,”, Sae-byeok tilted her head, surged downwards to close that gap, and pressed our lips together. It was quick, and a mess, “The half-truth and half-fake world may be the true face of this world…”
I let myself fall this time, by pulling her closer, kissed her back. Again and again and again, knowing that in any circumstance, this person will be there to hold my spirit, to cherish my memories of togetherness.
“In the end, the boundary between reality and illusion isn’t always so clear, Ji-yeong.”
Breathlessly, she pulled me alongside with her, and together we laid on somewhat cold icy snow— the snowfield, Sae-byeok asked.
“Was it like, more than a dream?”
“More than a replica. It felt so real, even though—”
Even though I knew it wasn’t. It's true: My heart was breaking—and it hurt like a bitch. The connection was so strong that painkillers barely be able to ease away my invisible wounds. Love is fucking hurt, like hurt hurt hurt.
(Don't wanna feel another touch
Don't wanna start another fire
Don't wanna know another kiss
Baby, unless they are your lips)
009.
“You see, we are under the Aurora now, embracing it with our whole bodies as if we were among them, maybe we are some two stars dotted on that starry sky.”,
The Aurora now seemed to have a kind of traction, drawing my past, so that tears only had to flow from the temples on both sides.
When I was being charmed by the Aurora, Kang Sae-byeok suddenly sat up, placing her hands on either side of my head, supporting her body, our bodies overlapped, which reminded me of the relationship between the dead and the coffin, I’m the dead, she’s the coffin that accepts me. Or, she’s the deceased, and I’m the coffin for her.
“If we can see each other again, I will hold you tightly for a very long, long time.” I gazed into her eyes and said quietly.
“Me too.” She said.
N evertheless , we both knew how vain the premise of “ to see each other again” was.
Teardrops that filled her eyes fell onto my cheeks, cool down in the process of falling, and became cold, but they didn't make me sober, it seemed like an eternal dream.
I remembered about the last goodbye she said to me; everything was so normal as if nothing happened, and we could meet again tomorrow, but eventually, I could only see her here—to perceive her, in my own dreamland.
Today I finally discovered, that I didn't lose the ability to love, I just cannot fall in love with anyone else other than Kang Sae-byeok.
(No, I'll never love
I don't wanna know this feelin'
Unless it's you and me)
010.
I woke up to find myself still leaning against the door’s pillar of the cabin, but with my brown jacket draped over my shoulders.
The Aurora still prevailed in the night sky, and it didn't disappear until I returned back to town. The anonymous cafe was closed with a "CLOSED" sign hung on its door.
….
After that event, I think of Kang Sae-byeok unconsciously whenever I see the Aurora, asking myself countless times: "Knowing it won’t end well, then what are we even doing this for?"
And coming along with me at these moments, there is always a voice from the somewhere in my heart, answering: At least we tried, didn’t we?"
Yes, even though there is a deep gully inbetween, we have tried our best to get closer.
(I would rather wait for you, ooh...
Don't wanna give my heart away...)
-End.