Work Text:
I wish I could tell you all this in person but. I’m a coward, I hope you can forgive me.
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With your hands in mine
I miss you, I miss your safety, I miss your touch. And it scares me to know the unknown. To sit with the idea that nothing is certain.
It's us against time
The world sometimes hates us, more often than not it feels. Perhaps Like we shouldn’t be. So many days come and pass, the sun, then the moon, then again and again. It’s tiring to be alive.
Our bond so soft and sweet
Why the world would want us apart I can’t fathom, despite that my selfishness has, you make the rest of me feel so very secure.
Us together, our strength can’t be wrong. If we work and talk, hopefully and known, we’ll pull through everything we face, if not fully certain at least with new memories of each other.
My love, my adored
Would it be fine to call you such things, to speak about you in the way I do? The scent of your laugh, the taste of your name, they make me feel so many things, so many things I both loathe and love. You I adore but the uncertainty that comes with existence is hard to think of in the same way.
My closest friend to be
You showed me your soul, and I’ve shown you mine. Such a horrible weakness in trust. In togetherness. How could I do anything but call you close? When to let you go would hurt so great I can’t wrap my mind around it’s magnitude.
Always with me
That’s the desire isn’t it? To be together? To be known? I would never ask all of you, you are yours to decide but somehow I’ve given my all to you. To everyone. How hypocritical of me to know how tiring it is yet want to ask the same of you. I want to erase the uncertainty of life. I want to know you more than I should. I want to know your comfort. Your safety. I want to know you’re okay even if it’s an impossible ask to request.
Trials and hardship is bound to occur
I know life is difficult and to pretend otherwise would only dig me in deeper to the hole I’m already in. but I wish I were wrong in the deepest depths of my soul, I wish I were wrong.
But I know you and I will make it through
I have to trust me and you, I don’t want to put my hope on the failing side. I just wish I knew the right way to go. I do want us to last together but maybe that’s an incorrect thing to want from the world.
My everything, my all
You mean so much to me, knowing you makes my world brighter, you’re everything to me. Not my possession ever, only someone I yearn to do something, anything for. I wish I could give myself to you, if only to please you.
To best that I know, I’m sorry
For this, for my thoughts, my obsession. I simply can’t get you out of my mind. They’d always say not to worry but I can never stop worrying, especially about someone so near and dear to my heart. Someone who I know has troubles that I want to soothe you. I want to be there to comfort you. I want to be relied on. But I also want to provide safety to you, being in your life. Is that too much to ask?
my mind fallible yet true
I know these thoughts are often wrong, the wrong thing to ask, too much to hope. Unrealistic. Yet in no way would I say they’re lies, no way would I say it’s not what I desire. I just wish I could take more of your desires into account, for I know mine aren’t right.
I care for you.
So true and honest, I can’t say anything but.
The nonexistence of existing
Such an want that’s so unreal, to exist without existing, the nonexistence in the toil and sorrow yet the beautiful beauty it contains, the stories to read, the paintings to see, the moments to experience. Yet do they truly outweigh the pain of life? Life is only there for so long until you work to feel it again. Is it worth it?
The discomfort in love
The pain in memory, in thought. The hatred in loving, the dislinking of liking. The vulnerability of being committed and adoring. For all the love and praise I have, seeing people suffering and tense sometimes feels too much, too hard to bear. Loving yet despising is such a terrible blend but it’s oh so human, isn’t it?
My selfish selflessness for you
I want to be yours, someone you trust, someone you care about, I want to be helpful to you. So why is it so selfish to want your attention so greatly? Is it true or is my mind lying, either way I’m in the wrong here. I just wish that you care about me, that I can do things for you. To want to give it all to you is selfless but to want you to take it is selfish.
I miss with the tears of a liar
When I miss you, I love you. When I miss you, I despise you. What you’ve done to me. When you leave I say I miss you and I do, but I care for you so greatly that sometimes when you leave I wish I had never met you. That you don’t have the hold on me that you do. I would never say such to your face but caring is tiring and I often hope with how tired I become, that I can’t care at all.
And love with the heart of a sinner
I love in a wrong way, a bad way, I love in a way that’s contradictory, hypocritical. I want to be selfless, someone wholly for you, I want to be known, to be loved. Obsessed even with the desire to be loved yet love you. To love you without you disliking the love, for you to care about me and I like it.
I want these emotions to be known.
They’re my feelings, my thoughts. I want you to understand them, I want to understand them. I want them gone, I want you to like them, a bag of words that mean nothing together is how I feel and I want someone to help me feel them in a way that makes sense, I’m too tired from having them to sort them out myself. I’m just a toddler having a tantrum that I can’t figure out how the puzzle works, where each piece fits, and I hate that about me, I hate it, but I want others to like it, to like me.
And still wish for them to be gone.
Is that too much to ask? For you to know them, yet I still hate them. For them to be accepted, but I’m still allowed to hate how they puppet my body and soul.
It’s hypocritical. And I can’t change it as much as I want to.
You love me.
I want you to, I know you do. How do I accept love and affection when every part of me says it’s wrong, that I don’t deserve it, that, Your love in me is misplaced. How do I love like I want to and be loved like I want to if my mind is torn by worry and doubt?
How do I love you?
I’m so so so sorry,
Shinji Ikari