Work Text:
It was late at night and Mingi was sitting in his studio all alone. He was originally in the middle of taking a break from producing, but then his mind took him other places.
In his breaks he normally watches any kind of videos that he is interested in. Sometimes he watches their own performances back, to judge himself or write down things he could make better. Today is no such day. He’s had an exhausting day and an even more exhausting week, he can’t think. So he just let’s his YouTube recommended page take over.
“We asked 100 people if they’ve ever considered suicide.”, he read out loud to himself. He weighs his state of mind and decides he is indeed stable enough to watch something like this without being triggered.
Tho, while watching and listening to the stories the people had to tell, he couldn’t help but drift off into trying to answer the question himself. “Had he ever considered it?”
Yeah. Would be the natural answer. But he knew even back then he wouldn’t have done it.
“It’s actually worrying and sad.”, he thinks to himself.
“I am only 22 years old. Imagine what I would’ve missed in the past…gosh it has already been a decade. OVER a decade actually. I wonder if it’s normal to start having thoughts like that with 11.”, he sighs and thinks back to what happened all these years ago.
It all started in first and second grade of middle school. The other boys in his class would always sexualize women. He remembers the class president being voted simply because she had a nice ass. She was later also made fun of for wearing glasses. And the one girl who wore a hijab, she was made fun of day in and day out. When Mingi talked to her, she would always take it so lightly and actually talk back to them. He remembers the girl with the long hair and how terrified she was of the boys cutting off her hair in the middle of class. They actually sat behind her, playing with scissors to scare her. He thinks back to the weird “jokes” the others made as soon as someone ate a banana. How sometimes the other guys would stand in a row and moan and hump at each other, making everyone uncomfortable.
But he also remembers the harsh words sent his way. He never wanted to participate in the shit the other boys did and as a result was always teased or bullied. Them telling him he “didn’t belong”, cursing him in a language he didn’t understand and pushing him around at times. He tried everything to fit in, but he couldn’t bring himself to participate in anything the others did. He didn’t want to make fun of girls or sexualize them in any way. On the contrary, he wanted to be friends with them. He was, but not for long. Whenever he did hang out with one of them, the girls were immediately put on a pedestal and called a slut or similar words. It wasn’t allowed to date apparently. He remembers one girl dating one of the “leaders” of the troop who always bullied. She was kind of brave and had the guys in her hand. She seemed as tho she was fine, but when Mingi found her crying one day, he knew she wasn’t. She told him how lost she was, how she was called whore and slut and similar words in the language she didn’t understand either. He wonders where she was now. He also wonders what happened to everyone who once bullied him.
If they still make fun of everyone and everything? He wonders if the teachers learned anything from him and the other girl leaving. He wonders if the headmaster finally decided to actually care. He wonders if his then “friends” were still backstabbers. But then again, does it really matter?
Back then he was destroyed in every way possible. He was always tired, he couldn’t concentrate and he kept trying to find the mistakes in him, not even considering that he wasn’t the problem. He had to be, otherwise the others wouldn’t make fun of him.
Right?
He knew better now and he will always be thankful to his mother. She was the one who noticed the shift in his behaviour. She was the one who let him stay home, when he once again didn’t feel like going to school and playing ill. She was the one who acted on the problem for real after having heard stories of teachers and headmasters not caring. Even when he cursed at his father for no reason and apologizing with a fatigued face, she was there to comfort him. She was also the reason he finally left for another school. Later she told him that she wrote 10 different schools in order to find at least one that would take him in the middle of the year.
And she did.
But he still can’t stop thinking about all the sleepless nights, where he wondered if he should just leave. He remembers sitting in his chair, looking around his room and thinking about how he could do it. How he could take his life and how people would react. He thinks back to the boys in the school falling to their knees and thanking god when he told them he’s leaving.
Would they have reacted the same way if they knew he was dead because of them?
He remembers the countless times he was on his way to school, considering to instead of taking the bus, throwing himself in front of it. He always asked himself “Do you think it would hurt?”
But after that everything changed. He got into a new school.
Oh, the things he would’ve missed.
The new school where he met some of his best friends today. The announcement of auditions that brought him back to his passion. It gave him strength. He picked up writing and producing and had enough confidence to participate and actually succeed. The time training took a toll on him, of course it did, but it opened new opportunities left and right. He had the chance to meet the best people in his life, his members, his brothers, his family. The people he gets to spend time with every day.
He would never have met them.
Hongjoong and his small frame but big talent and even bigger smile.
Wooyoung with his witch like laugh and the fantastically bright aura.
Yeosang who seemed quiet but is just as crazy as the others.
San with his burning stage presence but his cute smile right after performing.
Seonghwa with his crazy proportions and talent but also motherly aspects.
Jongho, who despite being the youngest had the strongest vocals probably ever.
And don’t forget Yunho, his tall best friend, who is a mood maker and overall sweetheart.
They are all so caring and loving and he wouldn’t change his place for anything in the world.
He would’ve missed all that.
The late nights spent with Hongjoong in the studio, trying to get that one song right. Or simply watching Hongjoong do his thing while writing the best songs he ever got to hear.
Spending time with San and Wooyoung, the inseparable best friends, who would spend hours dancing for fun or just simply having fun in the dance studio.
All the time he would’ve missed with his members, all huddled on the couch, cuddling while watching a movie. The times spent playing games and the times laughing and also fighting while playing mafia. Also let’s not forget hearing about the mafia ban from management.
All the laughs they shared and the things they’ve done and experienced.
But most of all he would’ve missed his fans.
The people who support him and his members the most. The ones who are out there listening to their music and having different reactions to each songs. People who listen to a song and read the lyrics and say “I can relate to that.” Or “I felt the same.” The people out there who support them with words of kindness, dedication on different levels. Who not only support them but admire them and look up to them. The collectors, who have every album, the happy listeners, who know every song. The artists, who are inspired to make art of any form or to even try for a musical career themselves, because they were inspired by ATEEZ.
He thinks back to all the countless concerts and meetings with their fans. Atiny all around the globe cheering for them and singing their fan chants despite not knowing Korean.
All this he would’ve missed.
Everything that is so dear to his heart almost never happened.
If he had decided to actually do it one of those nights. Whichever way he would choose to do it, none of these things would’ve ever took place. He would’ve never been able to meet all these people. He would never have met the friends, the brothers and family he has now.
He would’ve never seen how amazing this world can be, had he decided to end his life all those years back.
All he can say is that he is happy he didn’t do it. And he will forever be thankful to the people who kept him from going to the darkest places.
---
Silent tears and a small smile graced his face when someone knocked on the door and Yunho came in with food in his hand. Said food was dropped when Yunho spotted Mingi crying.
"Mingi-ah? What's wrong? Are you okay?", Yunho asked worriedly, hurrying over to his friend.
Mingi broke out of his train of thought and couldn't help but smile and also cry at the person in front of him. He opened his arms and Yunho was already pulling him into a hug.
After a few seconds of silence Yunho pulled back a bit, a worried expression painting his face.
"Mingi-ah, what happened?"
Mingi just smiled and said: "I made the horrible and great mistake of watching a video."
Yunho was just more confused by this.
Mingi laughed at the puzzled expression on his friends face and decided it was time to tell someone what happened all these years back and how thankful he truly is to his friends and family.
He sat Yunho down and started setting up the food while starting to tell his story. When they finished their food and Yunho asked a hundred questions, he decided to tell him the end of his story.
Mingi told him how grateful he is for his members, how happy he is to have met any of them and said thank you. He thanked one of the seven people he knew he had to still tell this story to and thank for being there.
Yunho shed a tear and thanked Mingi back.
"What are you thanking me for?", Mingi giggled wetly.
"For telling me this. For opening up to me. I feel so honoured to be the first to hear this. To be trusted with this story.", Yunho explained, making Mingi chuckle with tears in his eyes.
They ended up hugging and cuddling even when they returned to the dorm.
Mingi felt weights lift from his shoulders. The days after that he told the rest of his members, everyone reacting similar to Yunho.
He was so thankful and felt so loved.
He even called his mom and told her everything he was thankful for.
He doesn't think it will ever be enough, but for now it was okay.
He was so happy and glad and just...thankful.