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It’s not been a good day for Luciel and anybody with a marginally keen eye would be able to tell with just one glance. He always does his best to keep up a facade, but with things going downhill at work and not having one ounce of control regarding the RFA hacker situation, he finds that mask cracking little by little as the day continues – and he’s usually so damn good at keeping his playful, happy persona up. Even in the thick of life-threatening missions, he’s been able to fake a smile so well that not a single suspicion could be aroused from any of the RFA members, and he has no damn clue why he’s struggling so much with it today.
Deep inside, he knows why today is nagging at him, as much as he regrets admitting it. Because, even if he’s been exposed to far more dangerous missions in the past, his brother was never involved in any of them before. Luciel finds it quite easy to remain impersonal when his job calls upon him, as he’s never had a lot of regard for his own life, but this- this is so much different. The person most precious to him could be within his reach for the first time in years, and his brain is goddamn bluescreening over it.
He’s become so stressed over this situation, but still so self aware, that he can see even his texting pattern being affected by his constant internal revelations. The worst part is that he feels unable to do anything about it – mind churning with so many occupying thoughts that there’s no way in hell he could focus on something as trivial as the way he’s texting.
With a heavy mind, he turns his focus back to the chatroom in his hands and relays all the information he believes he can safely present the rest of the RFA with.
707: The hacker’s good. He’s giving me a run for my money and I’m not sure how long I can secure the safety of this chat room.
ZEN: Damn, a hacker good enough to rival Seven?? That’s;;
Kang Jaehee: Very stressful. You should do all that you can to try and find any weaknesses.
707: Doing my best here. His hacking style is very similar to mine so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to find any if we do things the same way.
Yoosung★: Good luck Seven;; Let us know if we can help! I want to be able to help in any way
707: There isn’t anything anyone else can do. I’m the only hacker here.
Han Jumin: I’m sure there is some way. I have plenty of resources at my disposal that I could send to you at any time if you need them, Luciel.
707: It’s fine. I can handle this myself for now.
707: I’m going to log out for now so I can keep working. Bye
He leaves the chat room before anyone has a chance to bombard him with more questions or offers. On any other day, he would have at least humoured their suggestions, try to make them feel like their words hold merit, but he couldn’t find it in himself to be optimistic. Cold, hard facts seem to be the only thing he can work with today, and the other members are just going to have to put up with that until he can get his shit together enough to sound like the 707 they know.
The sound of his text notification shakes him out of his reverie. Luciel expects it to be work, or Vanderwood, or Yoosung. They’re the only people he receives private texts from nowadays, so it’s a bit of a shock when the name Elly’s mom appears at the top of his lockscreen. He’s baffled enough by this that he opens the message immediately.
Elly’s mom: Are you certain that you don’t need any of my resources? It would be beneficial if we can secure the safety of the chat room in the most efficient way possible, and you know that I can provide aid for you.
A sigh. What Luciel hates the most is that Jumin is right – truthfully, he was just being stubborn in the chat room. He’d not even wanted to be there in the first place, and had only made an appearance because he knew he owed everyone an update. That, and he knew that he could expect a spam of calls if he didn’t log in at some point in the day, and Luciel is quite literally the opposite of well enough to take phone calls.
He figures he should muster up the energy to offer Jumin some humouring in this setting. He’s well aware of the power and money Jumin holds at the tip of his fingers, and knows intimately just how helpful his offers can be. It’s tempting, to say the least. As much as he wants this conflict to stay on his shoulders, he knows Jumin is practical and mature – perfectionistic to a fault and not somebody who would let someone else take the blame for letting him become involved.
Luciel knows he isn’t going to deny this offer no matter how much he wars with himself over it, so he grips his phone a little tighter and wills himself to respond.
707: Yeah, I guess I could use some help
707: What do you have to offer?
Elly’s mom: Hm, getting you to agree was easier than I thought.
Elly’s mom: What do you need to complete this job? I can provide everything I’ve lent you in the past and more.
Attempting to think about it makes his brain draw a blank. What does he need to fight off this hacker? He’s not sure how exactly he should go about this, and it’s making Luciel more frustrated than necessary. Usually, he’s so quick on the draw when it comes to resource lists and mapping out a plan of attack. But his head feels static-stuffed and otherwise vacant, and he doesn’t have a fucking clue what he needs from Jumin.
707: Not sure to be quite honest with ya
707: Hacker’s too good. I need something that would give me the one up over him
Elly’s mom: Are you okay, Luciel?
The question catches him extremely off guard. He’s so baffled that he blinks down at his screen, head shaking gently as he tries to process what’s happening. Is Jumin changing the subject? Is he teasing him for being unknowledgeable? Either way, it’s a surprise to him that Jumin is showing concern in such a blunt fashion.
707: What do u mean lolol
707: No need to patronize me Mr. Han lol I’m trying here
He figures the second text comes off weaker than he would have hoped, the last bit betraying him and revealing his thinly veiled worry. In any other context, it would be playful, but Luciel’s behaviour in the chat room earlier has no doubt ruled joking out of his capabilities for the time being.
Elly’s mom: Your actions today have me concerned. Are you sure you’re in the proper mental state to be working on this task right now?
Elly’s mom: You should take a break if you need one. You won’t be able to work efficiently if you’re being plagued by disquietude.
Anyone else would likely mistake Jumin’s words as offensive, perhaps believing the intent to be something along the lines of superiority and knowing what’s best for someone else. But, fortunately, Luciel is quite acquainted with Jumin’s peculiar way of showing his concern – for how much everyone jokes that he’s a robot, he has a surprising amount of care and emotion beneath his pinstripe suits and standoffish demeanour. Luciel’s sure that himself, V, and perhaps Jaehee are the only people who have ever been able to pinpoint and understand this quality of his.
In another situation, Luciel likely would have brushed him off or played his response like a joke. Any other situation.
707: No, but I don’t have any other choice, Jumin
707: This is serious shit. I can’t just drop it because I’m not feeling well or whatever
Elly’s mom: You need to care for yourself before you can care for your tasks, Luciel. There’s no point in continuing right now if you cannot work at 100%.
707: Doesn’t matter. Like I said, I have no choice
Luciel wishes he were stronger, wishes he wasn’t hanging off of Jumin’s every word in hope that the other man will understand and uncover his shrieking agony. It’s terrifying, Luciel knows that he can’t reveal to others any part of his life, but he desperately wishes that he could sometimes. Having somebody who understands him sounds terribly appealing, as impossible as it is. He can only hope that one day he’ll stop yearning for something that he can never have.
Elly’s mom: Come over and let’s discuss how best I can assist you, then. We’re getting nothing done over text, evidently.
He knows he should decline. Though he can’t be sure, this sounds terribly like someone trying to enact an ulterior method of wearing him down. Luciel’s skill of avoiding questions over text is fantastic, but if he’s being honest with himself, he’s terrible at it in verbal practice. This is why he doesn’t go out when the crushing weight of reality starts pressing on his sternum, why he avoids hanging out with the people he knows as often as possible. He’ll spill his guts if caught at the wrong time, and that’s something that could ruin not just himself, but every single person he’s currently involved with.
The wheels in his brain stop turning when he gets another text notification.
Elly’s mom: Even if you say no, I will call a driver for you. I may not know your address, but I know the roundabouts of where you live, and I will make them wait for you until you get in the car.
Playing dirty. A surprise laugh bubbles past his lips at how intrinsically Jumin this behaviour is. Trust fund-spoiled with a dash of manipulation and stone-cold calculation, and he should have expected nothing less. Luciel knows he’s going to acquiesce, probably would have even if he had the choice – that’s how absolutely pathetic he feels right now. So low that, even if he and Jumin don’t talk about anything deep, he’s sure he would still feel much better and safer in the company of someone he trusts.
Trust. As much as he hates to admit it, Luciel does invest a certain amount of trust into every member of the RFA. He knows he’s not supposed to trust anybody but himself, can get a lot of people hurt if he gives it to people who’ll abuse it, but there’s just something about this group of people that makes him unable to help himself. They’re the only people he’s allowed to have, even if he can’t be greedy with them. But he can have them for now, and that’s enough.
707: Fine. I’ll be ready in 5.
Elly’s mom: Perfect. The driver will be across from the hotel on your street shortly.
A huff before Luciel is getting up and gathering all the equipment he needs. His setup at home is much better suited towards the work he’s been doing, and the agency will question if he suddenly begins accessing servers from an outside location, but he doesn’t seem to have it in himself to care at the moment. His laptop is more than capable of working on coding, and it’s not like he does his agency work early, anyway. There was no thought in his mind of doing anything for work tonight, and he’ll be keeping it that way, thank you.
Only a couple minutes have gone by before his backpack is stuffed full with all the items necessary for his excursion and he’s out the door. Locks are double checked and the security system triple-armed before he’s leaving his building for the first time in– honestly, he can’t even remember the last time he’s had tangible human contact. Talking with convenience store workers is less than stimulating and he’s sure nobody besides himself would count texting his five sort-of-friends as bona fide social interaction. It hits him in a rush once his feet hit the pavement that he’s going to have to have a real, thorough conversation with Jumin. Jumin, one of the only people he’s sure could swindle real emotions out of him, get him to speak his unconscious mind through frustration tactics and undeniable logic. It’s terrifying, and Luciel feels the tips of his fingers and ears go numb at the realization that he may indulge the almost-CEO with some private information today.
Luciel knows that, in reality, he shouldn’t be as scared as he is. That, if he didn’t trust Jumin, he wouldn’t be putting himself in this position. There’s no way in hell he would be crossing the streets of Seoul to meet a driver for a prestigious family if he didn’t have faith that Jumin would keep what he has to say to himself – unsurprisingly, him and Jumin have quite similar values and thought processes. If this situation were reversed, Luciel knows he would keep Jumin’s secrets, and do everything within his power to help out the friend who has given him so much for how little he’s received in return.
The realization of how similar he is to V in this regard hits him once he’s sat down in the back seat of Jumin’s family car. They both keep secrets, try to deal with everything themselves, and only indulge what they believe won’t hurt others. The only difference is how their actions are perceived by others; Luciel has the trust of everyone in the RFA while V has aroused suspicion from those who aren’t closest with him. He figures it’s because he’s around more often than V, or because he’s a secret agent which makes it so that others are well aware that giving away secrets could cost him his life.
Despite this, he still doesn’t think he deserves all the respect he gets from the group – he’s a dirty, cheating agent who’s committed more federal-level crimes than he’s sure they’d be able to fathom. Sure, both V and himself are withholding secrets, but the difference is that V’s are harmless while Luciel’s could cause death and downfall.
His thought process halts in time with the vehicle he’s driving in. Had they reached their destination already? A pang of anxiety causes a flash of heat to jolt through him and the palms of his hands to begin sweating. Jumin’s always been quite unpredictable with his words and actions, though Luciel knows he would be a fool to expect anything less than clean-cut interrogation mere moments after he walks in the door. Though he’s more than certain putting up a front won’t help him whatsoever, it can’t hurt to try, and that’s exactly what he urges himself to do as he rides the elevator up to Jumin’s top-floor penthouse.
Jumin’s clearly expecting him, what with the way Luciel is allowed in before he can speak any words to the security guards stationed in front of the entryway. A nod before he’s barrelling in, toeing his shoes off with a loud greeting.
“Hey hey! Where’s Elly, I want to see my precious daughter!”
Luciel’s greeted with no response, Jumin nowhere in sight, though he keeps up the front. With false bravado, he piles himself in on one of the many couches before him and yanks out his laptop from his backpack. “I’m gonna get started with work if you’re busy, Mr. prestigious CEO.”
A beat barely passes before a voice answers back. “That won’t be necessary.”
The commanding voice almost entirely jolts him out of his carefree reverie. Luciel’s head snaps to the source of the voice, Jumin coming out from the hallway with a partially buttoned shirt and tie slung over his shoulder, and it takes him a moment to collect himself. He’s certain Jumin noticed, perceptive as he is, and Luciel just hopes that he’ll spare him the dignity and let him get away with this slip-up.
“Thought you weren’t going to grace me with your presence! To what do I owe the pleasure of being allowed in your humble abode?” A sugar-sweet smile plasters itself on his face as he speaks, and god, he hopes it’s enough.
“You know why you’re here. I said so in our messages,” Jumin responds curtly, taking a seat on the opposing couch. His form is proper, left ankle propped up on his right knee and posture straight as can be. Luciel’s sure that he looks like a mess comparatively. “We’re here to discuss what resources I can give you to make this hacking business go smoother.”
Luciel hums in agreement. “Right you are. Though I’m not sure what you can give me that’ll help, unless you have some other hackers up your sleeve.” A chuckle follows his words, and he hopes Jumin can’t tell how forced it is.
“I’m not sure if you saw in the chat room, but Jaehee is putting together an intelligence unit. So your request may not be entirely impossible to fulfill.”
That– that’s something he wasn’t aware of. How did he miss that? He supposes he only skimmed over the chat logs from today, but he’s unsure how he hadn’t caught something so important. It feels like he’s losing his touch, and that unsettles him greatly. Luciel can practically feel the grains of skill slipping through his fingers, falling down, down, down to the ground and out of his reach. He’s beginning to feel mildly insane.
His name is called, a stern “Luciel” planting his feet back on the ground and bringing him back to the conscious world. The connection between his brain and body feels static and disorderly. He forces himself to look up at Jumin anyway.
“Are you with me?” Jumin asks, and there’s no bite behind his words. He’s being genuine, and that realization is almost too much for Luciel. Words bubble at his throat and he practically has to choke them down, refrain from spilling his guts to the man before him who’s actually caring, and god, he feels so deprived right now. The fact that he’s reached such a low that anyone showing genuine concern for him has him this close to the edge is pathetic.
Clearing his throat, Luciel replies with a curt “Yeah, I’m fine,” before shaking himself gently. “Who is she recruiting for the unit? Are they any good?”
“Luciel,” Jumin repeats again, and there’s no room for argument. Luciel stays still and quiet – listening, waiting, hoping Jumin won’t try to break his thin and cracking facade.
“What’s with you today?” And there’s no preamble, just the harsh and unavoidable question, and Luciel should have known. Should have known that coming here was a mistake, that Jumin wasn’t going to let go of his abnormal behaviour without questioning. He feels trapped, and it’s the worst fucking feeling in the world.
It’s so terrible that Luciel can feel panic rising in his chest. It sits heavy in his lungs, burning his sternum and making his diaphragm feel like it’s on fire. He makes a valiant attempt at controlling it, but his words come out strained when he speaks, and he feels awful and weak.
“I’m fine,” he continues to insist. “Nothing’s with me today, I’m just a bit stressed, alright? A lot has been going on and I just wanna get this job done before it’s too late.”
If Jumin is phased by Luciel’s outburst, it doesn't show. It seems almost as if he expected it in the way his face doesn’t change whatsoever, and that makes Luciel feel even smaller, as if every action he’s going to make has been premeditated by Jumin already.
“What would happen if you completed this job too late?” Jumin needles. “None of us seem to be in any immediate danger. Do you believe something would happen if you take too long?”
Luciel hates to admit it, even just to himself, but he wants to be honest with Jumin. Between gritted teeth, he allows himself to say, “Yeah. I don’t just think something will happen, I know it will.”
“And what will happen?” Jumin is far more composed than Luciel is, and it bothers him to no end. His grip on control slips with every question from Jumin’s calculated mouth. His nails are clawing at the skin of his forearms and his mind is screaming at him to shut up.
“My brother,” he essentially chokes out. “My brother will be at risk. And I can’t allow that.”
Jumin finally allows a shred of emotion to show at this admission. Arched eyebrows pull together and he’s confused, fuck, Luciel’s really done it now. Nobody’s supposed to know anything about him outside of his code name, and now he’s gone and talked about his family – something agents aren’t allowed to have, can’t tell other people they have if they do. Luciel can still feel the words scraping his throat, and he almost reaches up to try and tear the feeling out through his neck.
Silence stretches for a few moments before Jumin finds words. “Your brother.” It’s not a question, but a statement. “I didn’t know you had one.”
At this, Luciel feels himself crack, a shrill little laugh forcing itself out of him. He can practically feel himself losing grip on reality. “Yeah, and you weren’t supposed to know. No one’s supposed to know about my family, and now I’ve fucking done it by telling you. I’m fucked,” his voice cracks on the last word, and as he continues, his voice sounds like shattered glass. “I’m so fucked for telling you that.”
He loses eye contact with Jumin as he curls forward, bringing his hands to his eyes and palming harshly at his eyelids, and he feels pathetic. He’s in Jumin’s home, spilling his guts and breaking down right in front of him, and Luciel wishes he could quell the embarrassment that rises to burn the back of his neck. In an instant, he’s a child again and he’s cowering in his room after a confrontation with his mother. He wants to escape – needs to escape.
His name is called, but it feels so far away that he barely even registers it. Soon after, there’s hands gripping his forearms, and reality feels a bit closer. Touch has always made him feel more grounded, especially at times like this, and he had almost forgotten due to how long it had been since he last had comfort during a breakdown.
“Luciel,” and it’s like he’s listening through bubbling water, but he hears it this time. “Luciel, I need you to calm down. Take your palms out of your eyes and look at me.”
Quite frankly, he’s powerless to do anything else. In such a raw state, Luciel doesn’t think he would be able to do anything without being told first – that’s how lost he feels. It makes his neck burn even hotter when he feels himself tilting his head up, and he’d be almost certain someone else is doing it for him if it weren’t only him and Jumin in the room. His body feels so far away from his brain that it takes him a moment to identify the concern on Jumin’s face.
“You know I won’t tell anybody else about this,” Jumin begins, and there’s no room for argument. “I know how vital secrecy is to you and your job. If others knowing that you have a brother will threaten your well-being, then I’ll make sure that not a soul ever learns of this.”
Luciel knows he can believe Jumin, respects him and trusts him enough to know that he wouldn’t lie to his face like this. Jumin takes more than enough pride in his honesty and Luciel believes that he’s never heard the man tell a lie without it being accompanied by the truth afterwards, and it helps him get himself under control just a little bit.
“Tell me about your brother.” It’s a blunt topic change and it’s enough to snap Luciel into some sort of consciousness.
He’s talking before he can even hear his own voice. “He’s kind, too kind for his own good. I’m sure he’s never been mad at anyone in his entire life. He deserves the entire world and he’s so much better than I am, but there’s no me without him and if he ends up hurt, I’ll never forgive myself. I should have never left him, but I had no choice, you know? Would have kept being hurt by our mother if I didn’t come to this job. But I still can’t help but feel like I made the wrong choice, because now he’s involved and in danger and it was never supposed to be like this.”
The desperation in his voice is clear as crystal, and he wishes he could help it. Breaking down in front of Jumin isn’t something he ever thought he’d do in his entire life, but unfortunately, there’s a first time for everything and nothing could have stopped the emotion overflowing with the way Jumin was pushing it over the edge. Luciel wishes he could be mad at him for it.
“I see.” Jumin sounds like he’s mulling it over, rolling Luciel’s words around on his tongue and tasting every side of them. It’s very Jumin-esque, and if Luciel was in his right mind, he would have made a joke about it. “Your brother is evidently very important to you. Do you know where he is? I can send a team to rescue him and secure his safety so you no longer have to worry about him being caught in the middle.”
“No,” is coming out of Luciel’s mouth before he can stop it. “No, it’s too dangerous. And I don’t trust anyone else to save him but me. You were never supposed to get involved in this, fuck, you weren’t even supposed to know about him. Just leave it to me, I’ll take care of it.”
Jumin shakes his head. “You’re so hard-headed, Luciel. You’re just like V in that regard.” There’s a pregnant pause before Jumin clears his voice and continues. “I hope you know that you can rely on other people every once in a while. I know that you’ve been conditioned to believe that you must do everything on your own, but frankly, that’s bullshit.”
Hearing the curse come from Jumin’s lips becomes the thing most effective in snapping Luciel out of his anxious trance. The shock is so clear on his face, and Jumin almost laughs right in his face over how raw the expression is. It’s so hard to catch Luciel off-guard, and it’s hilarious that one of the things that did it for him is Jumin swearing.
While Luciel is still taken aback, Jumin continues. “You have the entire RFA on your side, and no matter how exasperated everyone pretends to be with your jokes, they would do nearly anything to secure your well-being. Put a little faith in us, Luciel, and I assure you that you’ll be surprised with the results.”
A small huff comes from Luciel’s nose. “Easier said than done. I’ve spent my entire life trusting nobody, I’m gonna need some time on that one.”
Jumin hums, taking the answer easily with a pinch of gratefulness that Luciel is closer to coming back to his senses. “Take all the time you need with it. We’re not going anywhere.”
Luciel nods, not trusting himself to speak without spilling more of his secrets. Though he has newfound trust for Jumin as of now, he’s overwhelmed himself with how much he’s exposed about himself today, and he’s sure that any more speaking about his personal life would be way too much for him. As Jumin said, he and the RFA aren’t going anywhere, so as long as he’s around, he has them to trust.
He’s well aware that he’ll likely panic about this later. This is the most he’s ever told anyone about himself besides V, Rika, and his brother, and he’ll have to give himself time to digest that somebody outside of these three now knows things that he’s spent years training himself to keep locked up behind iron bars. Regret will fill him to the brim, and he’ll wish he could turn back time to before he agreed to meet Jumin at his place. Luciel will hate himself for some time because of this.
But for now, Jumin’s hands are comfortably strong around his forearms, and he feels safe. Even if he can only do it just this once, he allows himself to relax and let someone else take the reins on his life for the first time in years. It’s warm, and calming, and it feels a little bit like coming home.