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i'm building this house on the moon
like a lost astronaut
He smiled while looking at the night sky. The faint light of the full moon looked back at him, trying its best to remain visible between the clouds. In some ways, he felt exactly like it must’ve felt – suffocating, overwhelmed by the things around him but still trying his best to persevere.
Trying so hard to shine just like the sun but only being able to reflect the light that happened to fall onto him.
Nagito shivered, the cold air of the night finally getting to him. It was a wonder he hadn’t felt it before, given he’d been standing on the deck ever since the sun had settled. He was stubbornly watching the ocean as if he was waiting for something; for someone to appear before him.
looking at you like a star
from a place the world forgot
The Nagito from a year – hell, even a few months ago – would’ve drowned himself in self-pity by now, wanting nothing more than to curl up on his bed, away from the world. Not deserving to be around people, not worthy enough to be looked at, talked to, thought of by others.
After all, a trash like him would only be taking away all the space on the sky that the others – the true stars, not impostors like himself – deserved. His place was on the ground among the mud and the dirt.
Definitely not up above, definitely not with-
Nagito laughed, or rather cackled, his voice raspy; his smile turning sour. He was doing it again, wasn't he? Even though he’d promised to himself. He’d promised to become better. To learn how to lo- like himself. After all, that’s why he was coming back in the first place, right?
Because he made progress. Because he’s actually starting to get better.
nothing can breathe in the space
colder than the darkest sea
The boat swayed as another wave of cold, dark water hit its sides. Nagito swayed along with it, catching the railing just when he was about to fall. His thoughts immediately wandered to that warm, windy sunset, a long time ago, when he’d been about to fall too.
But unlike now, back then he’d been caught by strong hands. Stronger than his own would ever be.
i have dreams about the days
drivin' through your sunset breeze
He laughed again but this time no sound escaped his lips. Instead of that a few stray tears fell across his face; big as the raindrops, cold like the sea.
He missed that day. That beautiful, peaceful day, filled with laughter, bittersweet joy and so much hope.
Hope.
He still had hope, he was sure of it, but for what exactly? Did someone like him even dese-
But most of all, he missed those hands. He missed that smile and those eyes looking at him warmly, shining brighter than any star; brighter than Nagito himself would ever be able to shine.
He missed him.
And even though he’d missed him so much during all those luckless days and lonely nights; even though every time he’d been left alone with his thoughts all he could think of was him, he was terrified of coming back, horrified of messing everything up. Of being a failure, a disappointment, like he had always been.
Of not being enough. Of not having anything to come back to.
i'm a castaway and men reap what they sow
and I say what I know to be true
After all, it was him who’d ran away, scared of what could’ve been. It was him who’d vanished without a word, booking the first cruise available and leaving the island for what he’d thought would have been forever or at least longer than it actually had been.
But he was getting better, wasn't he? He was changing, or at least, had begun to change. Right?
That’s why he'd decided to come back. That’s why he was standing on this damn boat.
Or was it just his imagination and he, in fact, was still in the same place he’d been when he’d left, having made no progress at all?
i'm livin' far away on the face of the moon
i've buried my love to give the world to you
Nagito shivered again, this time not so much from the cold but from dread instead. A part of him, a big part even, wanted nothing more than to turn back, to return to the calming embrace of the city that was indifferent to him. To the city where no one cared so no one could be disappointed if he made a mistake.
And no one would notice if he was to vanish one day.
This time, he didn’t laugh, he didn’t even try to. More and more tears appeared on his face, leaving his cheeks almost frozen and his heart hollow. Truth was, he couldn’t go back, the boat wouldn’t turn away even if he wanted it to.
All he could do to escape the inevitable was to jump into the cold sea and disappear. But something prevented him from doing just that.
Was it because he wanted to see those beautiful eyes again? To look at them shining in the sun, the same sun that just stared to rise. To hear that voice, to touch those hands, to see that island that had just appeared in front of him, a small black dot just above the water.
the brightness of the sun will give me just enough
to bury my love in the moondust
…wait, island?
All of a sudden Nagito started feeling warm, hot even, but it wasn’t the good, cozy kind. His hands became sweaty as the dot grew bigger and bigger and more features of the island became distinguishable.
Soon enough – sooner than he would’ve wanted – the Jabberwock Island stood before him in all of its glory.
Putting his nervousness aside, Nagito had to admit there was something calming in looking at the place he knew so well, now bathed in the oranges and reds of the sunrise. Because of that calming feeling, when the boat finally touched the land, he was able to get off of it without his legs giving away.
Carrying what little belongings he had with him – fully prepared to immediately go back – he headed straight to the hotel, hoping he’d be able to reach his old cottage without bumping into anyone.
But the cycle came into play again, taking away what little hope he had had and giving him the exact opposite of what he’d wanted. Was it because his cruise had been so peaceful and undisturbed?
To be fair, Nagito would’ve preferred for his boat to sink. He would’ve preferred anything, really, even another plane crash. Everything sounded better than…
…than bumping into him of all people, in the middle of the very night Nagito came back.
He was not ready yet, not mentally prepared. All of the progress he’d thought he’d made – all of that seemed to vanish the moment he noticed the silhouette he had longed to see the entire time he’d been away.
And all that was left was the same jittery mess he’d always been.
i long to hear your voice, but still i make the choice
to bury my love in the moondust
But his bad luck didn’t end there, it wasn’t enough just to see him sitting by the pool. No, it wasn’t enough. Just before he turned around and left, he saw that beautiful face looking up at him and smiling, those shining eyes focusing on him and brightening up even more.
And then… then he moved and Nagito found himself too mesmerized by his silhouette enveloped in the warm colors of the waking sun to even move.
Oh, how he shone so brightly, how his hope shone so beautifully.
And before Nagito could even think, form one coherent thought, everything fell apart when-
“Nagito.”
How… how could he have ever thought he could live without that voice? How had he survived all those days being so far away from it, from him?
It didn’t matter, not anymore. He was where he was supposed to be. He was looking at the sun and for the first time ever he felt neither blinded nor smothered by it.
He felt warm. Calm. Relaxed.
Hopeful.
“Hinata-kun”, he smiled, his voice quiet. “I’m home.”
“Welcome back”, he heard in return.