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Chapter Text

I'm sorry to say this but the fan fiction you will be reading is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to read about Minecraft lore, I'm sure there is plenty of them.

However! If you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans...suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay as I retrace each and every one...of the Soot children's woeful steps.

Ranboo, the eldest, was one of the finest fourteen-year-old inventors in the world. Anyone who knew Ranboo well could tell he was inventing something when his sunglasses were on. In a world of abandoned items and discarded materials, Ranboo knew there was always something. Something he could fashion into nearly any device for nearly every occasion. And no one was better to test  inventions...than his brother.

Tubbo, the middle child, loved books. Or rather, the things he learned from books. Wilbur Soot had an enormous library in his mansion. A room filled with thousands of books on nearly every subject. And nothing pleased Tubbo more than spending an afternoon filling up his head with their contents. And everything he read, he remembered.

Tommy, the youngest, had a different interest. He liked to bite things and had four sharp teeth. There was very little that Tommy did not enjoy biting. He was at an age when one mostly speaks very to speak what was on their mind and not thinking about the consequences. For instance, "Who's that?"

A mysterious figure walked in the fog, approaching the children. "What is a banker like Mx. Eret doing trudging through the sand to find us?" The youngest whispered to the middle.

It was Eret, they had a sad look on their face. Clearing their throats, they tried to find the right words to break the news. "I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremely unfortunate event. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this, but your father have perished in a fire that's destroyed your entire home."

The children's eyes grew wider as the news broke their hearts and some broke down into tears. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels. And if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.

No one knows the precise cause of the Soot fire. But all they've discovered was that the blaze was started from a great distance through the refraction and convergence of light. And within moments, the entire mansion was in flames.

Ranboo moved to a burnt shelf, and smiled bittersweetly. He pulled out,—from the rubble—an intact silhouette of their father. Tubbo found his headlamp, which still works a little. He puts it on and moved through the charred library. Tubbo went to his father's desk, where a drawer was opened, a spyglass prominent. He reached for the spyglass, but flinched away at how hot the metal had become.

And as mysterious as the source of the blaze, other mysteries began to unfold before the children's eyes. Every family has its secrets, doors left unopened. But as Tubbo now realized, the smallest discovery would send his mind reeling with questions.

What was this spyglass hidden in his father's desk? Were there other secrets about their father's life yet to be revealed?

The children walk out of their home, to Eret's car. Tommy still clinging onto Tubbo's shirt as he sobbed.

I tried to warn you. It's not too late to read a fan fiction about a ship between a Floridan wearing a mask with a smiley face and a British man wearing glasses. No? Then let's continue.

The children sat by on the sofa in the waiting hall, waiting for the person who took them to come out of his office. "Where are we going now?" Tubbo suddenly asked as they were still processing the death. Ranboo only patted his dark brown hair, "I don't know, Tubs..." Their silence filled was filled with the room's busy noises. The door creaked open as Eret came out wit several papers in their hands. "Okay, um...come with me."

The children followed Eret into his car with sorrow. The drive was normal but the children still couldn't let the grief go. Eret only put on a smile on their face, "Okay, as chief officer of Mulctuary Management, and the executor of your father's estate, it's my duty to take care of your money til you come of age, and to place you in the care of your closest relative. So I'm taking you to live with your Count Jschlatt, who lives right here in the city, just thirty-seven blocks away."

They exchanged looks to each other and Tubbo scratched his head, "Y'know, I don't think that's what closest is supposed to mean."

Ranboo agreed with him, "We don't know a Count Jschlatt." He was certain about it or maybe he was doubting his memory.

Eret only chuckled it off and continued to keep his eyes on the road, "Yes, yes, of course you do. See, he's either your third cousin four times removed or your fourth cousin three times removed." The children were just confused all together. "Someone's brain's been removed." Tommy sarcastically murmured before being elbowed his older brothers.

"And he's an actor by trade. Isn't that exciting?" They just smiled with a happy look on his face but Tubbo was just sighing a lot. Noticing his sorrowful expression, Eret just let their guard down, "Look, you should count yourselves lucky, guys. This type of generosity is rare in a person like him."

Tubbo only became more sorrowful and tried to hide his face by covering it with his dark hair and leaning onto Tommy's shoulder as he shut his eyes, beginning to take a nap. Ranboo looked out the window as they exited the dark parts of the city. Tommy was quiet.

Eret hadn't seen the children this miserable before.

The car stopped and Eret tried their best to wake up the children. "Here we are, your new home. Isn't it lovely?" The children slowly opened their eyes and saw the small, lovely, white house with green gardens. "Woah..." Ranboo walked out the car and was at awe by the beautiful house. "It is lovely." Tubbo commented. "Oh, hello. You must be the Soots." A lady greeted them as her lips turned upwards at the site of them. Ranboo became shy and tried to hide behind Tommy—although he was taller—"Hi." He greeted her shyly. "I was so sorry to hear about the accident, but so happy to hear you were coming here. Welcome, I'm Minx of the city high court."

"I'm Tubbo, and these are my brothers Tommy and Ranboo." The middle smiled at her, still embarrassed by the youngest's mesmerised expression at her house. "You have a beautiful house..." Tommy's blue eyes were sparkling like he saw something amazing right in front of his eyes. Minx giggled and turned to go into her house, "Thanks. Please don't be strangers. You come and visit me anytime you like."

All of them perked up, "Visit?" Tubbo clarified. "You- you mean, you don't live with Count Jschlatt?" Ranboo asked. Minx almost choke on their words and even letting out a small cough, "Live with- with Count Schlatt? No, no, no, no. That son of a bitch is my neighbor."

The children slowly turned behind them across the street, where a dilapidated, dirty, frightening house stood behind a large train bridge. A wolf barked and ran past it, a crow flew out, and a train rumble was heard; sparks descended dangerously from the bridge. The children look horrified, except Tommy, who just smiles and says, "Let's sleep outside."

The children approached the door warily. It had a large eye decorating the front. Eret moved to knocked on the eye, but a hole opens. It was the peephole. There was a silhouette of a man that Eret could see before it abruptly close. Loud footsteps were heard rushing up stairs, and Eret hesitantly began to knock again. "Entrood!"  A deep hoarse voice shouted.

The house seemed very green, with portraits of the same grown man on the walls and eyes decorating everything, from the wallpaper to the stairs to the windows, though it is—rather infamously—a normal eye, there were a lot of ram imagery there too. The door creaked open.

Eret opened the door for the children as they entered the house. Tubbo felt an eerie presence in it and let his eyes stopped at the stairs because the man in the paintings was there in front of them, holding onto the railings of the stair. "Well, hello, hello, hello. I am your beloved Count Schlatt." Tommy gulped. "And welcome to my loverly home. May you find solace within the womblike warmth of its..." Ranboo felt unpleasant near him. "...downy plume."

"Or as the Greeks in the ancient times would say, 'Orphanis...encribo...something, something, something- Music builds to a crescendoooooo-" He went into a high note, scaring the occupants inside. Tubbo took a small step back from him. "Ending on the right foot...and strike a Fosse!" He strike a pose as Tommy looked down from the secondhand embarrassment but saw a small eye design tattoo on his ankle.

Schlatt walked in front of the children and he had a mixed of shocked and excited expression on his face. "Holy...shit..." The children took a step back and Tommy just went behind his eldest brother. Schlatt unfolded his hands so he can see the palms. On one hand were two stick figures, crudely boys, with arrows pointing to them that read RANBOO and TUbbO. On the other palm was another stick-figure in a diaper, labelled WHATEVER! "...Ranboo. Enchanté." He held out his hand for him to take. He looked down suspiciously, probably seeing the stick figure drawing. "Uh...how do you do, sir?" He hesitantly shook a finger, quickly retreating his hand before he can clasp it.

"And this must be Tubbo. Young...Tubbo." He took a startled Tubbo's face in his hands, moving it from side to side and opening his mouth to look at his teeth. "Your left side is the good one."

Schlatt chuckled before landing his eyes on Tommy, smiling like a bright child that he is. "And...eh...what the fuck is that?"  The older two turned to see Tommy just smiling, "I'm Tommy." He introduced himself properly. Schlatt only put on an arrogant face, "I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey. Ba-nana?"

Seeing the glare from Tommy's face, Tubbo and Ranboo quickly pinned him down by locking their arms together. "I am not a fucking monkey, prick!" The blond growled but Schlatt didn't mind about him.

"You're a gloomy-looking bunch. Why so glum?" All of them had shocked faces and Tubbo has had enough with it, "Our father just died."

The chuckle yet again, Schlatt just clapped his hands around. "Ah, yes, of course. How very, very awful. Fuck!" The children flinched. "Let me do that one more fucking time! Give me the shit again! Quickly, while it's fucking fresh in my motherfucking mind!" It was dramatically awkward for them even Tubbo—who said the sentence—was scared. "Our father just...died?" He said in a confused tone. "Oh, yes!" He clapped his hands louder. Receiving a look from Tommy and his tongue out, "What a dickhead!!"

He turned dramatically to Eret, "Mx. Eret..." He kneeled in front of the children, a hand on each of the older two's shoulders. Tubbo looked rightfully very freaked out. "I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted. And though you would call it a burden, a sacrifice, you are mistaken, sir. You should be ashamed of yourself! The idea!" Forcibly pulled Ranboo and Tubbo closer to him in side-hugs. "Anyway, where do I sign for the fortu-? I mean...children." Schlatt puts his head against Tubbo's and smiled, getting more freaked out than before."

"Well, you won't officially have guardianship until the hearing on Thursday morning." Eret calmly stated, shocking the count. He walked to the tall person and put on a sorrowful face. "And what am I to do with them until then?"

"Excuse me?" He was caught off-guard by the question.

Schlatt laughed and hits their arm aggressively, "What I mean is...do you work out? You loo good. Healthy, I mean." He laughed again, this time scaring the children.

"Well, I'd be at the bank." Eret parted with the children before being pushed out of the house by Schlatt, "Another time, then!" They shouted from the door, "Uh, children, if ever- if you need anything, do feel free to-" Before being cut off by Schlatt taking the children further away from the door but Eret opened the peephole to talk to them again only to be shut and locked by Schlatt himself.

The children huddled together and watched as Schlatt lenses against the door, menacingly. "I realize that my...humble abode isn't as fancy as the Shit mansion, but I'm coming into a great deal of money soon, and I think it'll be...quite charming when it's finished."

"Shall we take a look?"

Chapter Text

"Shall we take a look?" Schlatt asked as his face only a few inches away from the children. "Uh..." Ranboo nervous hummed with Tubbo. "Sure?" Tommy shrugged his shoulders only to be ignored again by him.

They walked away from the door to, "This is the living room!" Schlatt dusted off some particles from the torn up, ugly sofa, the children winced when they saw a few spiders crawling out of it. The interior wasn't pleasant either, it was decorated with moldy, torn up wallpaper. The chairs were even broken down or fixed together in an oddly, horrid form.

"The kitchen!" The children looked at the small kitchen he had and Tommy almost dropped his luggage when he saw the moldy plates and bowls. "I know what you're thinking. This place could use a little fucking TLC." Ranboo tried to touch the wall but he pulled away when a giant beetle crawled out. "I trust you've had your shitty tetanus shots. Polio, Smallpox, Typhoid, Malaria." Schlatt walked away as the children grimaced at the site.

Walking into the next room, it doesn't have a ceiling or rather the ceiling was destroyed. "This is the entertainment or rumpus room. I'm told the ceiling can be brought up to code in no time." Tommy stepped back before he could be crushed by a plank, it only made Schlatt laugh. "You're not afraid of heights, are you?" He asked Tommy only to laugh at his face again. "Imagine that. A monkey afraid of heights."

"My theater." The backyard.

"This way." He ordered as they walked across at the bottom of the stairwell. His curiosity got the best of him, "What's that up there?" Tubbo asked. "The tower...which you are never to enter..." Schlatt explained terrifyingly and leaned closer to him with a terrifying look. "Under any circumstances." Tubbo stared at him with wide eyes. Schlatt snickered and led them away.

They walked into the attic before Schlatt walked out of the room, "And this is where you'll sleep, time permitting." Shutting the door behind them. "Nighty-night." The children banged on the door repeatedly. "But the sun's still up!" Ranboo pleaded only to be repeated and mocked by the count.

I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance, Tubbo, when Tommy was born, didn't like him at all. But by the time they were four years old, the two of them were thick as thieves, a phrase which here means, fetching and biting for hours on end.

In the case of Schlatt, however, "Orphans!" They were correct.

The children walked down to the halls, entering the filthy kitchen. Every morning, Schlatt would order the Soots to do a great number of terrible chores. After which he would stalk off to his mysterious tower room.  Ranboo opened a cabinet to find rats inside, he just sighed it off. And as unfortunate as their situation seemed, it was only about to get worse.

Tommy and Ranboo were scrubbing the floors, holding rags over their noses and mouths to block out smell. The door opened, and Schlatt walked in with his troupe of odd-looking people. "...tub full of ice in Baja, and I realized that these clever girls had stolen my kidney. Imagine my sur-preez!" They all laughed together like snobs. He turned and stopped upon seeing the children. The troupe's faces fell into disgust upon seeing them. "Orphans, this is my acting troupe. Acting troupe, orphans." Schlatt introduced them with a disgusted face. "They don't look rich." The actors snickered. "Ugly little people."

"Why aren't you children in the kitchen, preparing our dinner?" Schlatt stood dominantly over them. "Dinner?" Ranboo asked. "It's the french word for the evening meal." Tommy confusedly pulled the list of chores out and unrolled it. "On the back. Flip it." He whispered. The blond flips the paper over. It reads: 172. PRePARe a DeLIVIOUS DINNER FOR MYSeLF aND MY TROUPe. "We'll take it in the dining room at eight o'clock. And we'll expect absolute silence while we're rehearsing our play." Schlatt walked away with a smug face.

"But we've never made dinner before."

"It's already seven-thirty-"

"Eight o'clock!" The count shouted as they sighed.

The children searched through the kitchen for food. Ranboo opened a cupboard and found a dying spider, worms, and a doorknob, and hastily shuts the doors. Tommy opened a door and widened his eyes at a dying beetle. Tubbo opens a pantry door and saw a bat, fluttering wings. Ranboo opened a cabinet of nothing but empty bottles, Tubbo found a drawer of the same, and then opened a cabinet of old shoes. The eldest opened a drawer, finding scattered tools and curly pasta noodles. "Pasta it is." He removed the entire drawer.

Schlatt and his troupe members were scattered about the room, most of them seated on a sofa or chair. Schlatt was standing near a large throne, an eye decorating its center. "Now! Who shall play the most handsome count in all the world?" It was awkwardly silent, only Schlatt would strike a pose on his throne. "Would you do it, sir?" One of them asked. "Oh, all right."

"Pasta Puttanesca. That's Italian for very few ingredients, you know." Tubbo took one of the curly pasta from the dust. "That's great. Uh..." Ranboo took a can and passed it to Tommy. "On it!" His teeth clank against the metal, opening it up right away.

"Okay, we're gonna need a pot." The eldest groaned.

"No pot."

"And a strainer."

"No strainer."

Ranboo looked bitterly at the bitten-open can and hummed. "Uh...and a saucepan."

"This is a little piece I like to call...Electric Chair." Schlatt sat on the throne, holding it as if cuffed. He held still. The troupe was silent for a while, waiting for something to happen. He clicked his tongue and spoke up in a southern accent, "I think you might have to turn it up! Is anybody...OUT THERE?!"

Ranboo removed a screen from the window. Tommy shook it out, eyes wide. "Strainer. That's real brilliant." He gasped as he poked out some of the dust. "Tubbo, how's that pot coming?" Ranboo asked as he busied himself with the utensils. "Voilà." Tubbo puts down a vase on the table. The two looked at it in confusion. Tommy narrowed his eyes. "Big T...that's not a pot. It's a spittoon." Tubbo gulped nervously and met his brother's eyes. "Spittoon? You mean like...?" Tommy just gave him an uncertain look. "We'll wash it twice."

He poured the noodles out of the —washed—spittoon onto the window-strainer. As he puts the pot back on the table, "Well?" Tubbo looked up from their pot of sauce. "To be honest, it's good! It's really good."

"Let's go back to prehistoric times, when dinosaurs ruled the Earth!" Count Schlatt moves around, imitating—oh, God, no—a raptor, screeching. He mimes biting one of the troupe member's head.

The children hurriedly put the plate of pasta puttanesca at each chair, Ranboo sets out a mug of silverware, and he and his brothers shared a look. Ranboo cleared his throat, and Schlatt looked up from his spot on the floor. "What do you want?" He asked, muffled by the cup in his mouth. "Uh, dinner is served." Tubbo announced and bowed. "Puttanesca." Schlatt raised an eyebrow and walked closer. "It's pasta. Pasta puttanesca." Tubbo clarified.

"Where's the roast beef?" He asked angrily, shocking the children. "Roast beef?" Tubbo choked on his words. "Beef, yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted." Tommy looked at the plate of pasta and furrowed his eyebrows. "But you didn't tell us you wanted roast beef."

The troupe oohed and gasped, as if something terrible has been said. Count Schlatt jumped down to the ground and slowly approaches the children. "You know, there's a big world out there, filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across an ocean of motherfucking thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow that is cast by my accomplishments. But I don't give a fuck about them. I chose to open my heart to you two loverly children and your shitty primate. All I ask in return is that you do each and every thing that pops into my head while enjoy the enormous fortune your fucking father left behind..."

"No." Tubbo stood his guard before Schlatt wanting to hurt him but he screamed as he felt pain on his foot, it was Tommy who bit it. Shocking his brothers. "Back off, bitch face!!" He growled at the man. "Mingy-dingy!" He suddenly mocked him, only making him angrier. "Don't mock me, you fuck!" Schlatt started speak rapid gibberish, only making Tommy more confused than angry. "Wow. You are nuts."

"Ho-ho-ho! It's time you children learned a little respect." Schlatt suddenly picked Tommy who started to whine to let him go with Ranboo and Tubbo trying to get him back. "Put him down!" Tubbo yelled, Schlatt quickly slapped him, knocking him fell down on the ground and curled into a fetal position. "You monster!" Ranboo took Tommy from him as Tubbo gets up. Schlatt looked a bit surprised, or maybe that was just his face. "You all saw it! The boy slipped!" He pointed at the small boy in front of him. "You won't get a cent until Ranboo turns eighteen!"

"Oh, really? Says who?" He threatened. "The law! Look it up!" Ranboo took their hands and glared, "We're going to call Mx. Eret about this right now." Count Schlatt and the troupe ooh amusedly. "Are you?"

Schlatt shoves the children inside the room, they almost tumbled down inside. "I'm very disappointed in you, children." Before they couldn't even speak, he shuts and locked the door; the troupe was heard laughing behind it.

Ranboo turned to Tubbo, the slap still hurt. "Are you okay?" Tubbo shook his head sat down on the dusty wooden floor. Tommy immediately moved to the window, removing the boards covering it. "Tom, what are you doing?" He just stayed silent and broke the other boards. "I'm going." He said. "Going where?" Ranboo asked again. "Home." Tommy was almost done breaking all of them before Ranboo held his shoulder, "This is our home now."

The blond turned to him with a sad face, "This is not home. Home is where your dad puts you to bed at night. Where he teaches you to ride a bike. Or where he gets all choked up on your first day of school. This is not home." Ranboo stared at him. The troupe can still be heard laughing downstairs. Tommy angrily hits a curtain, spraying dust. "How could he do this to us?" Tubbo muttered. "Not him. Dad." Ranboo tried to calm him down but it was no use. "Ranboo, you're thinking it, too! How could he? He had no plan for us at all?" Tubbo wiped hi tears away, "Well, maybe he did have a plan."

"Well, sure looks like it to me." Tommy sat angrily on the bed. Ranboo took Tubbo with him and they sat beside each other, "Well...do you remember when Dad went to Europe? And we thought he'd abandoned us because he didn't even write. Then we found out he'd written a long letter, it'd just gotten lost in the mail. Do you remember how guilty we felt for thinking bad thoughts about him? This is just like that." Tommy shook his head and sobbed, "No, it's not." Tubbo sniffed his nose and wiped his tears more. "Because he's not in Europe. He's not coming back. Do you think anything will ever feel like home again?"

Ranboo pulled his sunglasses from his pocket and put them on as his brothers cracked a smile a little by the site of him smiling. The three of them, set up a blanket fort with ropes and sheets, and they use the remains of Tubbo's headlamp to project their father's silhouettes on the side of the tent. Talking about topics to distract them from their situation.

Sanctuary is a word which here means, a small safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea. The children enjoyed their evening in the sanctuary they had built together. But in their hearts they knew that the troubling world lay just outside. A world which, I'm sad to say, can be described in two dismal words.

"Custody granted."

Chapter Text

"Custody granted." The judge banged the gavel as Schlatt held up a certificate of guardianship, labelled for Tommy, Tubbo & Ranboo Soot. "Thank you, Your Honor. Nice doing business with you." He smirked devilishly as he walked away with an evil chuckle trailing behind.

Driving in his rundown car, Schlatt still chuckled as the children just stared at him confusedly—Tommy even noticed that it wasn't the usual chuckle. "Maggots, I've been thinking about our...situation, and I realize...that I've been a bit...standoffish. Which, in this case, is a big, big word meaning—"

"Pure evil." Tommy interjected with a glare.

Without any warnings, Schlatt hits the brake, making the children jump from their seat. He turned his back on them and looked at them with a smirk.

"Soda." He pointed at Ranboo. "Soda." Tubbo as well.

"Banana." Tommy glared, "Bite me."

Schlatt smiled and exited the car. Tubbo watched him out the window as he hits a button on the car keys. Instantly, the doors loudly locked themselves. Outside, Schlatt swatted at a mock stop sign on a stand outside the store, before entering. Tubbo, who apparently does not know how locks work, "Ranboo, where'd the locks go?" He turned to see Ranboo picked up a book from the floor and worriedly showed it to his brothers: Inheritance Law and You.

Schlatt wandered around the store. The grocery clerk briefly looked up from his paper—a copy of The Daily Punctilio, showing a picture of the burnt Baudelaire mansion, captioned ORPHANS TO BLAME? "Hello. I'm goin' on a perfectly innocent ride in the country with my kids, whom I love. Is that clock right?"

Tommy scooted over to see as Ranboo pulled a scrap piece of paper from the book, with several times written on it—7:42, 9:35, 10:00, 11:15—that one is circled—1:42, 3:35 and 5:15. On the side of the paper is written 12LB. "What is it?" The eldest asked to Tommy who had his eyes widened, "I think it's a schedule." They looked up to see the clock in the car has just hit 11:15. They slowly looked out the window, and saw that they were parked directly on train tracks.

"Mmm. Kiwi Watermelon Sur-preez. My favorite." The bottles began to shake, as a train rumble was heard and Schlatt's evil smirk started to form.

A Littlest Elf bobblehead began giggling as the rumble reached the car. The brothers turned around in horror, "Go!" Ranboo parkoured onto the front seat while Tubbo messed with the door handles and locks. "He took the keys!" Tommy yelled as he fiddled with the steering wheel with Tubbo shouting, "Try everything." Ranboo began pressing buttons randomly while Tubbo banged on the windows. Tommy still tried to open the driver seat door, it was locked shut. Ranboo turned on the windshield wipers, then pressed a button that began a tape player, playing Loverly Spring. He stared at it in bewilderment before shutting it off. The wipers turn off, and a phone begins ringing. Tommy quickly picks up a carphone, putting it to his ear. "Count Jschlatt? Hello. Eret. I'm calling you back about that inheritance question you asked."

"Mx. Eret, thank fucking God!" Tommy cried through the phone, "Who is this?"

"It's Tommy, we're in Count Schlatt's car." His voice shaken by the peer stress of the current situation. "Oh, hi, Tom. Well, where's Schlatt?"

The ground started to shake a little as the other two started screaming and begging for somebody to help them. "He's not here right now, but—!" He could hear Eret's angered tone through the phone, "You're driving the car alone?" Tubbo started to scream from the top of his lungs with Ranboo trying to budge it open by slamming himself on the door, the car shook from the impact. "No. We're— the car is on the train tracks and the train is coming!"

A loud train whistle blew; a train drove beside Eret. "I'm sorry, Tommy, I-I can't hear a thing. I'm driving next to a train!" The blond ended up screaming like maniac through the phone, "We're going to be hit by a train!" Train whistle blared. "Right, yes, I-I-I— I can't hear because of the train!"

"I'll call you back when I get to the bank! Bye!"

"No—!" They hung up.

A signal bell rang. Tommy slowly hung up the phone as Tubbo turned to Ranboo. He took a breath, then pulled out his sunglasses out. "Tubbo? You've read books on trains. What do we do?" As Tubbo tried to remember, his memory was searching the books from the Soot library— The Great Trains, The Locomotive: A Primer, The History of the Iron Horse, and finally Trains, Tracks, and Switching Devices. "The track switcher." The three brothers moved to the windows. "There!"

"It's too far away." Tommy complained.

Ranboo quite disagreed, "No. There has to be something we can use to pull it."

The brunette continued his brother's statement to the other, "There's nothing in here."

He ripped a leather cord off the top of the front seat, "There's always something." He started looking around the car, "Tommy, bite the head off that elf." Handing the Littlest Elf bobblehead to him, "Love to!" The elf bobblehead giggled its last as Tommy pulled it down, Ranboo and Tubbo moved around the car.

As the train whistle blew again, Schlatt was trying on sunglasses. He glanced towards the window, then turned back. Tubbo ripped open a hole on the seating, pulling out a spring. He attached the spring to the cord, which Ranboo attached to the bobblehead of the Littlest Elf. Tommy finally broke open a side window and pushes the head through it. Him and his siblings pulled the cord back so that the spring—the head on the other end of it—pressed against the outer wall. Schlatt was at the counter drinking a slurpee. The whistle blew again. Ranboo released the cord, and the spring-elf-head took off and landed just below the track-switcher, "Quick, pull it back in." They pulled the cord back and got the spring-head against the wall. Ranboo leaned back.

"Ranboo."

"I got it." 

"I don't mean to rush you..."

Ranboo released. The bobblehead shot off and hits the sign on the track-switcher, landed and wrapping itself around the lever. He smiled with relief.

"Nice shot."

"Thanks. Pull."

They pulled hard on the leather cord. The track-switcher lever squeezed together, as they grunted with effort. Slowly, the lever started turning towards them, creaking as the train appears in view and blew its whistle. Count Schlatt excitedly lowered a magazine entitled Drama-Logue, with Lon Chaney on the cover. On the back is an advertisement for the Veritable French Diner. 

Count Schlatt evilly laughed as the train got closer, and the lights flickered. The three of them pulled back and fell over, which caused the track to finally switch. The train switched tracks and passed right by the car. Schlatt stopped laughing, confused at the lack of a crash, and ran to the window to see the car intact. Inside, the children were smiling with relief and watching the train pass by, and Tommy clapped. Just then, a car pulled up behind Schlatt's— Mx. Eret. He quickly raced away from the window, and Eret angrily honked at the parked car in front of them, causing the brothers to turn around. Schlatt quickly hits the car keys, unlocking the doors. Unfortunately for him, this meant that the windows rolled down, and Tubbo leaned out the driver's seat, gurgling and reaching an arm to Eret, who also leaned out their window. They makes a startled noise, and he cried.

"Mx. Eret! Can't we discuss this like reasonable people?" Schlatt begged as Eret removed two suitcases from Schlatt's trunk and made his way towards his car, where the children were now seated in the backseat. "I'm sorry, Schlatt. But allowing a child of Tommy's age to drive a car is not good parenting."

"He tried to murder us!" Tubbo shouted from the car. "Let's not exaggerate, Tubbo. The car wasn't even in gear." They moved to get to the trunk with the suitcases. Schlatt grabbed their arm almost threateningly, but then only said, "Can I...talk to them for the last time?" As much as Eret wanted to refuse, they just had to let it be. Schlatt leaned into the car window, the children scooted away from him. "Goodbye, kids. It's been fun!" He cheerfully chuckled before leaning more. "I'm going to fucking get you, no matter where you fucking go, no matter what the fuck you do, I'll find fucking you! You are so deceased." Leaving the children with horrified faces.

He quickly pulled away, dabbed his eyes with an eyedropper in order to make himself cry, and then turned back to the car now that Eret can see him. He quivered his lip. "Take them, Eret...before I lose it, big-time."

Trumping a talentless villain might seem all in a day's work for three ingenious orphans. But the brothers savored their victory as they sped towards their new home.

What lay ahead for them was unclear, but they remained cautiously optimistic that their next guardian would be better than the last. Or at least wouldn't try to flatten them with a train.

They entered a forest like terrain, tall trees with many colorful berries. They walked through a field with several stone fox statues. "Do you know what kind of scientist he is?" Ranboo asked them. "No, I don't. I was far too busy making arrangements for you three. I didn't have time for chat."

"Hello!" A man walked out of his door, a Red Fox following behind him. "Oh, my gosh. Look at you. You must be Ranboo. Don't you remember me? I don't think so. You were just a little baby at the time, now you are a giant." He shook Ranboo's hand. The tall boy looked a little confused. "And, Tubbo, we've never met. How do you d—" He shook the shortest boy's hand, "What a firm grip. Like a Grey Fox. And Tommy! Little Tom. You look so much like your Wilbur." Both of the older ones turned to look at the youngest, "What?"

"Uh...this is your uncle, Fundy." Eret struggled to introduce him to the children with the animal next to them. "He's...a...fox lover, guess." Fundy just chuckled.

"Thank you very much, Mx. Eret. I'll take it from here." He dragged the children in front of his house with the Red Fox walked on their toes, Tommy gulped by the animal. "Uh...oh, maybe I should come inside." Fundy's eyes lit up as he smiled cheerfully unlike Schlatt. "Oh, by all means! You could help us pick out the gut worms from the stomach of the Fennec Fox." Eret's expression quickly change from the confident person to a nervous bird, "Kids, um, remember, if you need me anytime, you can reach me by phone." Eret walked away. Tubbo watched them with a bit of concern.

"Well, we got rid of them didn't we?" Fundy suddenly spoke from the awkward silence with the children looking at him confusedly. "Come in. Come in. There's not much time, and we have to pack." He quickly went inside his house with the children following behind still with confused looks, they never really expect someone this giddy before. Until Tommy remembered, "Pack?"

The brothers shared a look before they follow Fundy inside. The house was colored golden. There was a tortoise wandering around funny enough, Tubbo and Tommy seemed to like it. "Did you say pack?" Tubbo asked again. "Oh, yes. We have to pack all the equipment." Fundy closed the door with a big smile on his giddy face while his fox walked off with the tortoise following it. "Then there's the essentials, like clothing and such. And we have to tag all of the foxes who are coming with us."

"Coming where?" Tommy asked as he gripped his suitcase tighter, fearing he's the same as Schlatt. Fundy was still ever so giddy, tidying the place a little, hanging an oddly placed maid dress aside. "Oh, did I mention we're going to Canada?" They shook their heads together and the redheaded man just chuckled as he clapped his hands, "Yes, we're going to Canada. Tomorrow morning. Isn't that exciting? This way to the Mammal Room."

Chapter Text

The large opened room filled with sunlight and large caged full of canines. An antique looking skeleton of a prehistoric fox near the door and an Arctic fox wandering around near Tommy's feet. The children were amazed by how many canines were fit in it from wolves, dogs, and obviously foxes.

"Welcome to my humble abode." Fundy said as he ran his fingers on the desk with another small fox sleeping on it soundly. "You children know anything about foxes?" His expression lightened up as the light in his eyes came back even brighter. They just coughed at one another to get one of them to speak up, the older ones were the victims this time. "Only what I've read in books." Tubbo confessed with nudging Ranboo's arm aggressively, "No, not—not very much."

A cunning smile formed on the older man's face as he chuckled, "Well, we may have one or two things here that aren't in books." He picked up the small fox from the desk and rubbed its head gently, "I'll just put the little fellow in his bed and introduce you to a few of me friends."

Tommy watched as he placed the fox to its bed and kissing its head, making him wince. He flinched when something rubbed against his leg, it was a cat?

"What are you doing here, Boots?" The children were shocked that he knew the cat as he pulled the cat into his arms. "A feline...in a canine room?" Ranboo pointed out confusedly while rubbing the back of his head. Fundy stared at him and looked back at his cat, "I said mammal not canine."

"Over here..." He walked away with the cat still in his arms, leaving them confused. Tubbo crouched down to see where the animal was but was scared by a fox jumping out of a log in front of him, "That's the Two-tailed Fox!" He yelped as he pointed at the jumpy animal next to Fundy's leg. "Well spotted." Fundy sent him a thumbs-up and walked to another cage, leaving the children to follow behind him before the fox did anything unnatural to them. "Is that a he or a she?" Ranboo asked with being answered by Fundy, "I have no idea. Didn't think it polite to ask."

Stopping at a larger cage, Fundy smiled to himself at it. "And over here, the Nine-tailed Fox. We can't stop this fellow chanting." Tommy took a step back before anything weird happens right in front of him, same as Tubbo, they hid behind the eldest—Ranboo. From its seemingly looking one tail to reveal its other tails like a peacock would show its magnificent feathers. "Foxes really do have variations between their tails, don't they?" Ranboo pointed out with their guardian chuckling even more with giddy. Fundy waved at the fox as it saw them, making the children hiding behind him. "Om. Kon kon." The smile on his grew wider as the fox just ignored him.

Continuing on their tour around the room, Ranboo couldn't get his eyes off the many wolves there. Counting of how many foxes in the room, it was physically impossible to do so unlike the wolves and other four-legged predators in the room. "Why do you have a cat?" Tommy asked Fundy. He hummed and rubbed Boots' head as she purred. "Well, she's my first discovery before all of them. Very precious indeed." Letting the cat go before stopping outside a wall with curtains.

"And now, children, you have to see my latest discovery. Found her in Alaska. One of a kind." Fundy pulled a curtain to reveal a cage with a larger red fox from the one before, this one 12 inches. Comparing from the fox before, it might be disregarded as the cub. When they were spotted by the fox, it immediately ran and hid itself. "The Incredibly Deadly Red Fox. My assistant, Philza, and I may be the only people ever to have seen her."

They approached the large cage, with a full environment inside. They looked around to try and spot the fox. The locked turns. The door then swung open, and the Red fox leaped out, hissing. Tubbo and Tommy recoiled in shock. Fundy leaped forward and grabbed the fox, screeching in the children's face. Ranboo screamed a little. "Not to worry, big guy. You're all right. It can't possibly harm you. Here we go." He placed the fox near a tree stump and pushed them outside.

"The Incredibly Deadly Red Fox couldn't have possibly harmed us?" Tubbo begged the question as Fundy turned the latch, locking it inside. "No. No, no, no, no. It's a big softy. One of the least harmful and most friendly creatures in the animal kingdom. To humans at least." He explained as he watched the fox ran around its enclosure while playing around with the leafs inside. "It's a misnomer. I only called her that to play a prank on those stuffed shirts down at Las Nevadas."

"Uncle Fundy, why are we going to Canada." Ranboo asked as they walked to his table without any sort of animals sleeping on it as the cat followed them. Fundy looked at him as he paused for a good moment, uncomfortably long. "Just this morning I was wondering, how are we all going to get out of town together? And I thought, Canada. They have foxes in Canada, don't they?"

"But why are we getting out of town?" Tommy interjected, still suspiciously afraid of him. Fundy just took a few moments before looking into his blue eyes with a deadpan expression. "Tommy, do you know foxes are more afraid of you than you are of them?" The boy shook his head. "Few people do. When threatened, a fox will retreat to a place that is quiet, safe, remote. A sanctuary. Where it can feel out of danger. That's why Canada."

The man turned around and walked behind his table. Something that Tubbo noticed was, a spyglass!

"Wait, that spyglass! I saw one just like that in our dad's-" He was immediately cut off by Fundy's serious tone, "Plenty of time for chitchat later. But right now, what I need is an inventor, a reader, and a biter. Know any?" The two older brothers looked over at Tommy as he restlessly stretched his arms, "My teeth are at your service, sir..."

A beautiful melody coming from the piano as the children listened while their mouths full of coconut cream cake. Pressing the keys gently as his cat swung its tail back-and-forth while purring from the melodic song Fundy was playing. "Boots, what did I tell you?" Fundy brushed her tail away from his vision. "I think I know that song. I think—I think our dad used to play it for us." Ranboo pointed out, wiping the cream from his face. 

"He certainly did. As I did for mine." Tommy dropped his plate and went to Fundy while playing a little song together, "You had children?" He asked with Fundy smiling sadly, "Oh, yes. And a wife, and a home." He sighed, "Until the fire."

"A fire?" Tubbo perked up.

Fundy nodded, "I may know better than anyone what you're going through. But it's gonna be alright. We'll be among people who understand us. People who are like us. People who appreciate unique children who can read and invent and...bite things." He ruffled Tommy's blond hair while chuckling.

But out of all of it, Ranboo still had a question lingering in his mind. "Uncle Fundy, why are you doing all this for us?"

The only thing he got was a smile, "Isn't that what family does?"

And so the Soot children went to Canada and together had wonderful adventures with their loving and wonderful new guardian. The end.

These are the words I desperately wish I could type. Oh, I would give anything to say that the story ends here. But alas, my mission is not to weave happy endings where they do not occur, but to report actual events in the lives of the unfortunate Soot children.

And as much as it pains me, I must confess that their troubles had only just begun. And it did so with two musical notes.

It was a beautiful, peaceful morning for the Soot children as they prepared breakfast together with the two oldest children walking along the hallways, meeting their youngest in the mammal room. The doorbell rang, they stopped and went to the door instead. With giant smiles on their faces, Tubbo opened the door with Ranboo preparing to greet them but soon it faded when they saw who it was. A man with a nerdy looking appearance, clearly Schlatt in a disguise.

"Hello. I am looking for Dr. Fundy. I am Stephano, I am an Italian man, and I am here to assist him in his research as best I can. As well as to facilitate and remain observatory." He informed them with an odd sounding accent that Tubbo recognized wasn't an Italian one. "You're Count Jschlatt." Ranboo took a step back with Tubbo. He stared at them for a moment. Schlatt clearly didn't expect the children to have eyes. "Oh...and now, why would—why would you say something like that? I, uh—I have never met such a person as a Count Jschlatt, but, uh...if I had, I'm sure he would look and sound completely different."

"You're Schlatt, and we're not letting you in." Tubbo shouted and motioned to shut the door but a knife was shoved in it, shocking the both of them as their confidence dropped immensely. "Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate your hypothesis." Schlatt stepped inside as Fundy and Tommy took a look what was the commotion. "Schlatt!!" Tommy yelled as he prepared to attack the man before being dragged away by his new guardian.

"Anyway, that's why you should never run with one of these, kids." He polished the knife and pocketed in his trench coat, scaring Tommy as he saw the shiny blade went inside it. Fundy smiled without a care, "Words of wisdom, indeed, Mr. Stephano."

"Oops, you caught me, being a mentor." Schlatt laughed as the children watched him from a safe distance.

"And bless you for coming at such short notice." Fundy shook his hand, "My chief assistant, Philza, was too sick and phoned not one hour ago,"

A smirk formed on the count's face as Fundy's chief assistant was actually not sick but was tied to the front of a train, screaming his wife's name multiple times.

"Well, I am a...I am a fan, if I may gush. Your work has influenced the hell out of my research up at the, uh...L'manburg Zoo...uh...on the true fox. It's a very volatile animal. Perhaps we should- I've been bitten forty-three...seven-hundred times. Mostly on the face. A lot of this has been reconstructed. But I think they did one hell of a job, even though my mustache is a tad fucked up." Schlatt made up with Tommy sarcastically whispering to his brothers, "You can't be buying this."

Schlatt turned to the children and his smile grew wide as the Grinch. "I wonder if I could get the kids to help me in with my shitty bags. My left side is fucking neurological."

"But of course. Children-" Fundy pushed them to the bags. "Uncle Fundy-" Ranboo tried to call some sense into him but he just shooed them off, "Please. Let us not be rude to our guest. Now, go on."

Dragging two suitcases upstairs, the eldest and the youngest pondered together. "What is he up to?" Tommy asked with his eyebrows furrowed while Ranboo just shrugged, "I don't know."

"Guys," They turned to see Tubbo on the bottom of the stairs, dragging the largest suitcase. "Any help?"

There is no good moment, of course, for a notorious villain to arrive. But the timing of Schlatt's reappearance, just when Dr. Fundy's secret could be revealed to the children, was almost more than Tubbo could bear.

"Ranboo, listen to me. Fundy's spyglass. I saw the exact same one in Dad's desk." Tubbo pointed out as he dragged the last suitcase into the guest room. "Tubbs, it's just a coincidence." Ranboo brushed it off and walked to the doorway as Tubbo told him, "Everything happens for a reason."

"Now, the children will be helping us extensively with the research in Canada. Do you have any experience with children?" Asked Fundy. Schlatt glanced around the room, minding the canines inside with such disgust. "Children are strange and foreign to me. Uh...I never really was one. I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem."

At the stairwell, the children were eavesdropping on their conversation.

"He's never gonna let us alone with Fundy. We've gotta get a message to him." Tubbo groaned.

A smirk formed on Ranboo's face, "Leave that to me."

Schlatt puts on some blue rubber gloves. "I was feeding the moray, and of course, I got cocky. And that's all it takes. That's all it takes, is one time." He forcefully blew into the rubber glove while Fundy attempts to clean the grey fox. Tommy turned around. Tubbo lifted the Arctic fox out of her cage, while Ranboo's gaze drifted down to an inkwell. He puts on his sunglasses.

The disguised count continued with his rambling about how beautiful Canada is to Fundy. The uncle looked down at the ground, as snow-white fox walked to him, with Ranboo, Tommy, and Tubbo carefully watching. Not listening to the count's rambling, Fundy picked up the juvenile fox and saw it was holding a piece of paper in its mouth—the children have written "IMPOSTER".

Schlatt checked some skeletons of other foxes, "The hockey, the people, the relaxed guardianship laws..."

"Relaxed guardianship laws?" Fundy raised an eyebrow.

He turned around, with a retriever pole in his hands. "Did I say that?" Before shaking around. "Darn neurotoxins."

"Oh, Stephano, you have a wonderful gift for storytelling. Doesn't he, children?" Fundy smiled so friendly while walking to approach the 'Italian man', holding his precious Arctic fox beside him. He turned to the count with the same welcoming smile, "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind milking Yogurt for me."

He almost choke on his words when he heard that and watched Fundy as he handed the ethereal looking fox into his arms with kindness. "Yogurt. Well, the milking, uh...now, see, what I was- Could I just?" The fox was flipped around by the count with desperation while the three were watching him fumbling, Fundy was better at pretending to not be unimpressed than the children are. "Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that. Now, they used to call me Old MacDonald up at the milking lab there, because I'd milk these things all day long."

"But the little udders are hard to locate. Uh..." Yogurt hissed viciously at him. "Whoa! Anyway, why don't you take that, and go ahead and start the party without me, and then..." Schlatt made his way out of the mammal room as quickly as he can. "I'm not sure I brought my milking gear. I'll, uh, take a gander."

Fundy made his way to the children, "Is he still watching?" Ranboo looked, as Schlatt peered his face around the corner again. "Yes." He whispered back.

"Don't look at me. Pretend you're talking to your brothers." He commanded.

He pets the fur of Yogurt gently while slowly glancing around. "I got your message. Don't worry. I know."

Tommy's eyes lit up in glee. "You do?" He asked while whispering.

"Yes. A moray eel would never ear kippers. Far too salty. And did you see the way he kept glancing into my satchel, where I keep the samples of different fox hairs? You children were right. Stephano is an imposter." Fundy confessed.

'Yes!' Ranboo thought and formed a smile.

"He's a spy from the Herpetological Society. He's here to steal the Incredibly Deadly Red Fox." And he got the wrong idea.

"No?" Tommy retorted.

"No, Uncle Fundy-" Before Tubbo could finish his sentence, Schlatt rushed back into the room. "Oh! Darn. All finished. I was so looking forward to the milking." He acted before turning to the children. "Isn't it about time you kids went to bed?"

Fundy puts on the persona once again, "Absolutely. Early start tomorrow, children. Off you go. Good night."

The brothers awkwardly left and passed by Stephano. Tubbo shooting a glare at him as he goes. But in Ranboo's heart, he was glad that their uncle—although the wrong idea—was in with their plans as well.

Night time rolled around much faster than they expected, which meant it was going to be difficult going to Fundy for the plan they made right after.

Schlatt sat in a rocking chair with his shiny knife. Tommt quietly tried to open his door. "Do you have a hall pass?" Asked Schlatt with an evil grin. Not wanting any trouble, Tommy retreated.

"I don't think so."