Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

If you were to approach Lumine and ask her to express her thoughts on the current student exchange program, she’d laugh. She’d wheeze and curl into herself to gasp for air, close to hysterics. After at least fifteen minutes, she’d steady herself enough to utter out that being an exchange student is the single most mind-numbingly boring experience known to man.

Lumine thinks that she really should’ve done her research before signing up for this mess. 

It’s not like she wanted to leave her country in the first place, comfortable with her home life and decades-long friendships, the familiar environment. If pressed, she’d blame the rushed decision on her twin brother—always the optimist, the starry-eyed one, constantly craving something new, a refreshing change of scenery. She caved under his pleading, puppy-dog looks, signing up for this nonsense two days later.

Aether never sees any problem with simply leaving, always coming and going, the free spirit that he is. Unlike her identical twin, Lumine is a total homebody, roots buried deep in the soil of her home. 

Guili isn’t necessarily a bad place to be. Compared to her hometown, it’s nothing short of eerily quaint, and everyone residing there appears to be either a student or a senior citizen. Don’t get her wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but when you’re twenty-one and stranded on a bleak place where the only type of entertainment comes from beer pong tourneys at the crustiest bars imaginable, it starts taking its mental toll. 

Whenever her evenings turn particularly mindnumbing—which, nowadays, is a constant occurrence—she occasionally manages to force her roommates to go out and join her on an impromptu trip to the nearest city. Sadly, the more populated areas are located at least an hour-long bus ride away. Gods know that if they were any closer, Lumine would simply walk there for a grain of excitement, as athletic as she is. 

Perhaps not during wintertime. Unless she's desperate.

Still, it’s the thought that counts.

In addition to the disappointing lack of any interesting things to do, Lumine struggles with communicating, her Mandarin subpar at best. She reckons that it has something to do with false advertisement, which she, unfortunately, fell victim to, unwilling to scroll down the lengthy list stuffed with their uni's exchange programs. Her professors here seemingly look down on her for her inability to properly articulate, unwilling to give her the time of their day whenever she crawls to their offices, poorly-graded essays in hands. The classes held in the Common tongue end up being canceled more often than not, leaving the handful of displeased exchange students to their own devices and growing gaps in their knowledge. 

Studying the Law on your own without having anyone to explain the key points is hell in and of itself.

Lumine isn’t that studious, and while she's naturally good at pretty much everything, sheer luck and talent aren't enough to keep her afloat. Nor does she have the desire to pour over books 24/7, so unlike her roomie Yanfei, who is more than alright with reciting the heavy tomes in her sleep.

She tried asking Yanfei for help once. It proved to be a… tedious experience. 

Perhaps if Yanfei was slightly better at translating the more difficult terms or explaining things without sounding slightly condescending, Lumine wouldn’t have to drink her stress away before every damn assignment.

Lost in these seemingly never-ending plains, stuck on the snow-covered campus of the “ever-welcoming” Guili University of Law, she feels lonelier than ever. If anyone was to hand her a free plane ticket back home, she’d jump at the opportunity, only to shamefully admit defeat to Aether, running away from this mentally-taxing challenge with her tail tucked between her legs.

So she finds reprieve in social media. Whenever she comes back home after classes, Lumine plops down on the cot and pulls on her headphones, determined to ignore her pink-haired roommate heatedly murmuring about codices to herself. She stalks her brother and stews in jealousy, wishing for a good experience. Even in another city, another country no less, her doofus twin never fails to attract a bunch of weirdos, all of them enamored out of their silly little heads. It’s always been this way, and while Lumine’s never been jealous of Aether’s extroverted charisma, there are times of weakness when she wishes that she had an easier time approaching others and making friends. 

Perhaps it’s the ever-present bitchface. It could also be her stance; shoulders squared and jaw set, always ready to throw down if needed.

Lumine may not be a softie, but she likes… cute, mushy stuff, too. Or whatever. And she definitely likes having connections, being wanted and loved. 

Gods, she’s so alone.

Afterwards, she typically dedicates her time to scrolling her three favorite apps, rotating every twenty minutes, watching the hours melt away. At 8:20 pm sharp, Ganyu always makes them dinner just because she’s nice like that. Lumine would love nothing more than to spend more time with her, but the shy girl is always so damn preoccupied, seemingly running on coffee and resolve alone. Whenever the blue-haired woman does happen to have a free moment, she ends up inviting her girlfriend over, and Keqing--while quite lovely herself--simply doesn’t approve of Ganyu’s roomies lurking around whenever they do get the chance to briefly meet up.

On the weekends, Lumine runs--rain or shine, desperate to leave her earthly worries behind. She runs laps around the stupid campus and then goes to the ancient gym to do her stupid sets, typically--and thankfully--undisturbed. After that, it’s back home for more mind-numbing scrolling, featuring loud music blasting in her ears with a side of conspiracy theory videos. 

She also catches up with a handful of close friends and her dumb, too-popular-for-his-own-good brother. 

Aether sounds like the personification of exhaustion in her ear, breathing ragged--most likely having run from one appointment to another. While not as obsessed with lifting his body weight with just one hand, her brother is nothing short of a slightly wilted twunk on powerhouse legs, due to constantly dashing around. Never on time, all thanks to his squirrel memory and no notepad to speak of to keep track of his busy schedule. 

“Wow, you sound like an old man having an asthma attack,” Lumine comments in lieu of a proper hello, just a little peeved. Leave it to the doofus to not take care of himself when she’s not around to remind him to take a much-needed break every now and then. “Do you need to sit down, grandpa? I can call back later.”

“No, all good,” Aether pathetically cough-wheezes, most likely grasping at his buff chest containing his tiny, shriveled lungs. “Lost track of time…”

“As usual.”

He does not dare to argue. “You know how it is with Venti.”

“Venti’s a cunt,” Lumine hums, shifting the phone to rest on her shoulder while she tries to open a fresh jar of caramel spread. She curses when it doesn’t budge. “Tell him I said hi and that I love him. What kept you up this time?”

The bashful silence is very telling.

“Oh,” Lumine smirks, momentarily giving up on her quest for sweet sustenance. “Is it your sweet prince again?”

Aether sighs, long and shameful. A man who’s just been caught pining. “Please don’t call him that.”

“I will as soon as you stop being an enamored damsel about everything and grow a pair. At this rate, I’m worried that I won’t ever get to see my beloved brother’s adopted, artistically-inclined babies.”

“You’re insufferable,” the aforementioned brother hisses but does not hang up. He never does, no matter how much Lumine teases him about the moon-sized crush on his clearly just-as-infatuated artist. 

Despite the playful ribbing, they care for each other far too much to actually stop communicating, always eager to call whenever they get the chance. Having your twin as your best friend comes with its own set of perks and downfalls.

Lumine mockingly bows, despite knowing that the effort won’t be seen or appropriately appreciated. “I live to please. Tell me about your day, so that I can close my eyes and pretend that I’m you for a bit. What’s the weather like on Planet Aether?”

She closes her eyes, leaning back against the counter, socked toes wiggling about. There’s never a dull moment with her brother involved, his wacky stories always such a pleasure to listen to. Whenever she listens to Aether ramble about his friends and school colleagues, his plentiful errands, his adorable run-ins with that artist Albedo, she feels herself relax, imagination going wild. Thoughts drifting somewhere far away.

While Lumine doesn’t long for her twin’s colorful life--especially when she herself knows just how many things Aether had to sacrifice to make it happen--she can’t deny the fact that she sometimes wishes for their places to be reversed. Aether wouldn’t perish at Guili; however, that doesn’t necessarily mean that Lumine would succeed back in Mondstadt.

The people there just seem so…infinitely less uptight, so it's a head start. 

Aether, bless his pure heart, takes her statement as something concern-worthy. She can practically visualize his dumb face falling at her words, brow furrowed. “That sounds darker than usual. Are you feeling alright?”

Lumine would love to tell him, that yes, she’s alright, alive and kicking, and he doesn’t need to worry his pretty little golden head about it, but something about Aether’s serious, “no-nonsense-approved” tone makes her cheeky confidence crumble to dust. 

Suddenly tired, Lumine sinks into a pathetic crouch, spilling out her guts and unnecessarily burdening her already overworked sibling. She feels like hell because of it, but no matter how desperately she tries to keep in the impressive word-vomit, Aether’s gentle follow-up questions thwart her strongest defenses and efforts.

Fingers tracing the fillings of their dusty, tiled kitchen floor, Lumine confesses her profound sadness in regards to the bleak town of Guili and its even bleaker residents. She tells him how it’s seemingly impossible for her to meaningfully connect to people, no less make actual friends, especially with the looming language barrier of near-incomprehensible Mandarin. How she thinks that Ganyu secretly hates her and probably finds her too much to deal with and how Yanfei is definitely too much, especially when she gets lost in her own little world, crafted from dusty law tomes. 

She tells her twin about Keqing, and how lonely she feels every single time she’s forced to gaze upon the girlfriends of the house, cuddling on the sofa, watching some boring documentary on the TV. How much it hurts her soul to hear them bumping coochies on the other side of the paper-thin walls. 

Lumine puts her face in her hands and bemoans her lack of a “tsundere gf”, while Aether grows more and more silent on the other end, potentially uncomfortable with listening to someone else’s personal business.

“Have you tried downloading a dating app?” he finally speaks up, seemingly lost in thought. “You don’t have to look for anyone in that way, but it’s a great start to make some friends.”

“You sound like you have no idea what you’re talking about,” Lumine calls him out and huffs out a mirthless laugh. She moves to get up, knees shaking from being awkwardly bent for so long. “Besides, haven’t you heard those terrible friendship-slash-romance stories? Are you eager to have me kidnapped?”

She can practically hear him roll his eyes. “No one’s going to kidnap you, Lumi. I’m pretty sure that if someone tries to, they’ll end up in the hospital.”

“Thank you for having faith in me, but my tiny butterfly knife couldn’t take on more than five men at once.”

“So there’s no issue.”

“They could have an ambush waiting for me.”

“Lumi,” Aether sighs, seemingly more exhausted than before. “Just give it a chance. I can’t give you any other tips, and I don’t know whether it’s even worth a shot, but some people have told me that it’s more of a hit than a miss. And it’s not like there’s anything to lose.”

“Yeah, except for my dignity,” she scoffs, playing with the frayed end of her black shorts. She shrugs, annoyed by the fact that it’s so hard for her to get the point across. “Look at me, Aether. I’m a mess. There’s no way anyone’s gonna find me interesting online.”

There’s a beat of silence, followed by an amused response. “Make a good profile, then.”

“You’re no help at all, you know that, right?”

“If you’re that worried, I can do it for you.”

She balks at the proposal. The mere idea of sharing something so… so deeply personal doesn’t sit well with her. She doubts that Aether would have the guts to judge her, but still. It’s a little awkward to have your sibling alter your personal details just so that you can score some ass. “In your dreams. I can make my own profile, thank you very much. Besides, you’d probably write something like “I like long walks on the beach”.”

“But you do.”

“That’s the problem,” Lumine huffs. This already seems like a terrible idea and the app isn’t even on her download queue yet. “I’m so basic that it’s boring. Like, it’s not even a joke or anything with me.”

“Then get creative.” Aether sounds way more enthused about this than the actual future user of some tacky dating platform, subjected to bad pick-up lines on the daily. Sifting through hundreds of bad profiles of ugly Chads, spread out over the hoods of their fast cars. “Write down something witty about being girlfriend material and no boob pics.”

“Please don’t say the words “boob pics” while referring to me. Also, it’s none of your business what I choose to upload. And besides,” she hears keys scratching the lock of their cramped apartment, and books it out of the kitchen, unwilling to be caught standing around in her sports underwear. Lumine rests her back against the cool surface of the door to close it, desperately trying to ignore the hushed voices of Ganyu and Keqing unpacking groceries. “They’ll find out that I’m painfully boring eventually.”

“You’re not boring,” Aether disagrees, voice dripping with infinite patience dedicated to his anxious sibling. “And it’s the internet. You can stop talking to them whenever you feel like it, so who even cares?”

Huh.

Who cares, indeed.

Not Lumine, that’s for sure.

"You're only saying that I'm interesting because I'm your precious sister."

"First of all, I never said that you're interesting." Aether laughs at his twin's faked anger at the witty response. "But you're definitely not boring. If you were, I'd tell you. I wouldn't lie to you, would I?"

She sighs, endeared.

"Of course not."

It takes her three full days to open the app and two more to figure out how to properly introduce herself, the app doing nothing to offer any good tips. She uploads a few photos of herself where the lighting hits just right and she almost looks like a solid seven-out-of-ten, rather than a sad four. 

Upset with how lame and basic her profile looks, Lumine’s third photo is that of their cat seated at the kitchen table, a handmade party hat placed on her fluffy head. She’s licking her nose in delight, eyes blown out wide at the generous stack of goodies placed before her, arranged into an intricate cake. It had taken Aether at least a few hours of crafting to arrange everything, while Lumine took just as long trying to take a single decent and non-blurry photo of Salmon’s cute snoot. 

In her description, as a private “fuck you” to Aether, she writes “I like long, romantic runs on the beach. If you can’t keep up and I leave you behind, that’s just natural selection.”

Yanfei isn’t home.

Having the room all to yourself while living with an introvert is a rare occasion worthy of celebrating. Lumine trudges through the fresh layer of snow to buy herself a generous bottle of Christmas wine, dead set on finishing the beast by the end of the rapidly-approaching night time. She pops it open and comfortably sinks into the creaky chair, foregoing headphones to blast her jams. The room drowns in complete darkness with the single exception of her blindingly-bright laptop, making her strained eyes feel like they’re full of sand.

Aether sends her a text asking about her stupid dating profile. There’s an attachment to it. Hesitant, she taps it open, eyeing the clutter of Albedo’s studio, the aforementioned artist hunched over the easel, engrossed in painting her twin, back to the photographer. Aether has sent her a few previews of the works, and while Lumine doesn’t know much about art or its society, even she can tell that Albedo’s drawings are nothing short of breathtaking. And she’s not biased, not even when the subject of the paintings is someone painfully close to her. 

Privately, she thinks that the man draws her brother far too handsome and angelic, flawless--and of course he would, because Albedo doesn’t know anything about Aether, doesn’t know what she knows, doesn’t know that he used to wet his bed until he was eight years old or how he wept for weeks when some bullies had chucked his favorite stuffed toy into the river, lost to the strong currents--but it’s not up to her to critique artistic vision and interpretation. 

Still, something about seeing that by-now-familiar studio and its cozy atmosphere--empty-eyed, creepy busts non-included--compels Lumine to pull up her ridiculous dating app. Perhaps a longing of sorts.

She wants something like that, too. She doesn't need anyone to pine for her, doesn't need the paintings or the subtle expressions of love, doesn't need the world's cheesiest romance, but having someone around certainly cannot be bad.

The next hour or so is spent absolutely destroying the alcoholic beverage--she figures that it’d taste so much better heated, but who even cares about it when all they want is to get hammered in peace--and going through various boring profiles of plain-looking dudes. 

“Of course you like traveling, Xing,” Lumine drunkenly mutters against the opening of the bottle, swiping the profile into oblivion. “Everyone does. You’re not special.”

There are simply too many of these. Stacked beefcakes victoriously standing on mountain tops, akin to beached whales stretched out on the pearly sands of tropical islands. Countless Chads posing on the hoods of their overpriced sports cars. Wimpy-looking nerds with too many monochrome filters, soulfully playing their basses and electric guitars. Some horny freaks flexing in front of dirty bathroom mirrors, their flashes ruining the desired effect. Tracksuit-adorned party animals with bad angles in literally every single photo. Some idiots with their wives still present in their photos--but hey, it’s all cool because it’s “complicated”!

Traveling, eating out. Music, partying. Fast cars. Sports, working out. I’m deep, so don’t talk to me unless you can recite the entirety of Kafka’s “Metamorphosis” by heart, but please love me regardless, Queen, I am so– 

Lumine practically feels herself go dumber with every swipe of her finger.

Not to say that everything’s awful, because she does find more than a few profiles that genuinely get a laugh out of her, but she’s dead set on ignoring the adamant pinging of her new admirers, forsaking the onslaught of messages. Lumine's an orderly person and she's not done with her potential boyfriend search just yet. 

She nearly gags at the artist crooning about “finding love in unexpected places” and gets comfortable in the chair, swiping once more.

This is the last one. 

She'll give up for the night after this and enjoy the rest of the bottle. Maybe even humor one of these clowns.

Her painted fingernail stills. 

Curiosity piqued, Lumine leans forward, brow furrowed to read the wall of text. Indeed, this appears to be an interesting change of pace.

Oh well. Save best for last, and all that jazz.

Childe with an “e” 

Age: 22

Location: Liyue Harbor

No false advertisement here, baby. So-so abs, no personality, no soul. Dumber than the average person. Look like a lovechild of Robert Kazinsky and an orc. Interested in fish and whamen. If you look like Galya from “The Irony of Fate”, you’re out of my league.

The profile is absolutely atrocious. There’s not a single photo of this mysterious Robert Kazinsky lookalike. What greets her instead, are a bunch of niche memes, perfectly matching the nonsensical, yet undeniably unique profile information. 

She's seen some gigglefucks, sure--but this one easily takes the cake. 

Huh, must be the compelling structure of the introduction. No punches pulled, raw honesty, straight to the point. The delivery is on-point.

Just enough to make her grin at the silliness of it all.

It’s more than likely that she’d find this shit exceptionally cringe if she was even remotely sober; however, right now, this is absolutely her top contender.

Because who is she to try and deny the fact that she likes her men a little on the dumb side? This may come across as poor taste, but doesn’t everyone have their vices?

Lumine’s eyes drift to Aether’s cheesy photo, then the half-finished bottle of wine, and finally settle on the profile photo depicting a dopey-looking rabbit from an old Snezhnayan cartoon, a proud “PIZDÉC” scribbled on his green little shirt. 

Slightly concerned by the fact that she got all of the references, she thinks “fuck it” and marks it a match.

Right before she clicks out of the app, Lumine lets her enamored brother know that she’s “definitely working on it.” And doesn’t he have some simping to do tonight, anyways? She’d hate to steal his attention away.

Chapter Text

Needless to say, it doesn't take long for "Childe with an "e"" to contact her.

That's more than fine with Lumine, especially since she isn't a huge fan of making the first move, too busy with ruminating her approach to actually start the imaginary conversation unfolding in her head.

These things simply don't come naturally to her.

➞

CHILDE: hey

wanna see a pic of my trout;)

LUMINE: Wow

Right from the get-go

Please let me know if this actually works on anyone

CHILDE: why ofc

how else will you know that i'm a dependable man who can provide for the family

besides, why would someone NOT want to see my trout

just saying, i make killer fish stew, too. 

it's a primal hunter/certified housewife type of deal. 2 archetypes for the price of 1:)

LUMINE: Alright, simp. That's a lot of words to explain an icebreaker.

I'll take what you're selling. For now.

Before you send it over, I'd like to get your contact information. I can file a report for sexual harassment in case you end up sending me your flaccid dick

CHILDE: i would never insult a woman like that. if im sending dick pics, you're getting it full mast.

and my contacts? we're moving fast;)

i'm afraid that we'll have to talk some more for you to get dem digits, girlie

LUMINE: I thought I'd humor you, but I'm starting to regret it. You're kind of getting on my nerves

CHILDE: in a charming way, hopefully;)

LUMINE: If you can call a clown honking his little clown nose at me """charming""", then yes, you're the undefeated champion in this competition.

Enjoy your gold medal

CHILDE: is it chocolate inside?

LUMINE: Possibly

CHILDE: neat

btw my clown nose is huge and it's wrong of you to assume otherwise

LUMINE: It's not like I can see what you look like, Robert. You just have that tiny nose energy, you know?

Like super small

CHILDE: ouch

mean girlie has spikes

that's hot, i won't lie

LUMINE: ...

I liked it better when there were trouts involved

CHILDE: ok weirdo

but since you liked it better when this conversation was still about trouts rather than cocks, here it is

i am a man of my word

➞

[CHILDE sent an attachment]

maybe i'll make it in time. riiiight before you block me

"Holy shit," Lumine whispers. 

That is one fine trout, and she's seen a few.

What an icebreaker. At least ten points for creativity and minus fifteen for the cringe. 

But hey! It's not a dick pic. Perhaps she's not dealing with a creep this time around.

➞

LUMINE: Well

I don't know what I expected.

Have to say that's one impressive trout

CHILDE: you opened it, icb

and even responded

so i must be an endearing type of clown;)

LUMINE: Har har

My expectations for you are non-existent, Robert. And you're /probably/ a ginger, so

I hope you understand

CHILDE: good, wouldn't want it any other way. i'm exactly what it says on the label. if you get the wrong idea about me, that's entirely on u, girlie

LUMINE: The epitome of humility, aren't you?

Also stop it with the "girlie", it's not adding you any brownie points 

CHILDE: gentle gasp

i still have points left?

must be doing better than i thought

"that's on you"... uh, gender non-specific comrade

?

how's that

LUMINE: Perfect, thanks

For a clown, you're learning fast

CHILDE: being a clown doesn't slow me down. or stop me.

LUMINE: Oh, I can see that

Hmm, and yet...

"Dumber than the average person," though

Gasps

False advertisement? How could you, Robert????

CHILDE: yes, i may be dumb, but i'm not stupid;)

LUMINE: That makes no damn sense

CHILDE: and yet, here you are. amusing me with your cute responses

LUMINE: You're sick and my finger is hovering over the block button rn

Wouldn't it be so funny if I pressed it, dear clown?

CHILDE: that'd be a terrible loss. you're making this clown sad:(

you may not be galya, but

close enough

LUMINE: I'm sorry I can't be her </3

CHILDE: it's depressing, i know

well

good talk, have a good blocking session <3 hit that block button extra hard for me;)

make sure to show the fish to the cute kitten in your pics, too! i'll die happy knowing that somewhere out there a cat is happy because of me

my legacy will live on

LUMINE: Alright, Mr. Robert

Rest in peace, I guess

Her name is Salmon, btw. I'm sure she'd love your trout. I'd show it to her rn if I could

CHILDE: oh

i'm sorry:(

LUMINE: No, she's okay

I'm just far away from home

And bored, as you can see

I miss her a lot now

CHILDE: aw

:(

:3

:3c

meow

LUMINE: What the fuck is happening

CHILDE: depends on which version is more your taste: 

me, telepathically communicating with salmon, letting you know that she misses you too

or kitty foreplay

you're free to pick your poison

LUMINE: You are so weird

Idk why we're still talking omg 

I probably got my head cold while I was walking outside

CHILDE: i know it, people just can't get enough of me. you're not the first, but you could potentially be the last

LUMINE: Your shots are missing hard, bub

CHILDE: eh, worth a shot;)

LUMINE: Ew

Bad

CHILDE: aw, that's the nicest comeback so far <3

must be because i'm so endearing

LUMINE: Scoffs 

Let's not get carried away, liar

How can a man with self-proclaimed zero personality even get laid? I'll believe it once I see it

CHILDE: voyeur 

kinky;)

the important thing is to never give up

and being super hot helps

LUMINE: You're really pushing your hotness agenda for someone who has the rabbit from nu pogodi as his profile pic

CHILDE: he is my spirit animal

you can be the wolf. i can see the striking similarities already

and the anonymity keeps comrades like you interested long enough

LUMINE: Bold of you to assume that I am, orc babe

CHILDE: are you implying that orcs aren't hot

if so, i'll be taking offense and will challenge you to a duel

you'll see me at guili, i promise you that

LUMINE: Alright, monsterfucker, calm down

Orcs are hot

CHILDE: so you do admit that i'm hot by default

your flattery makes my heart squeeze uwu <3

LUMINE: I can only testify to that once I actually see any evidence, Robert

In case you're ugly, you will bring about shame to the entire race of orcs

CHILDE: i like your roundabout ways of asking me for a selfie

courageous

since you're such a good gender nonspecific comrade

LUMINE: Just say /girl/. One more girlie, and I'll be the one standing under your windows with a knife out

CHILDE: gurl

gorl

glrlk

LUMINE: Let's just stick with comrade, Robert

CHILDE: my personal favorite and also the best one

and the only correct response

LUMINE: Ofc it is, comrade

CHILDE: here comes your handsome comrade

➞

[CHILDE sent an attachment]

The heated, internal debate lasts no more than a few seconds, yet to Lumine, it feels close to decades. 

There’s comfort in not knowing what this obnoxious guy looks like. She’s free to make him as unappealing as possible whenever some dumb shit escapes his mouth, making her cringe and giggle madly simultaneously.

Childe makes her go slightly funny in the head, and there’s something liberating in that.

Perhaps it’s his manner of speech. The casual flirting. No strings, no expectations–the exact thing that Lumine vibes with the most.

If he’s good-looking, this might ruin everything for them and make things unnecessarily complicated. She won’t be able to look at the guy in the same way. Besides, Lumine’s not able to lie to herself–she’s a little worried that the crude image crafted inside her head would look nothing like the real deal. Not to say that her mind has conjured an ugly caricature based on the celebrity mentioned in Childe’s profile, but it’s close. Anything better looking than that, and she might just have to cut all contact. 

The fool already sounds too dangerously close to being her ideal type of dumbass.

However, she figures that their current predicament is everything but fair. If she chooses to ignore the photo, she’ll be left in the dark, while exposing herself simultaneously, those accursed profile pics betraying her. 

“Let’s see, Robert…” Lumine mutters and ignores the slight tremors rocking her fingers.

Eyes closed, she blindly presses on the attachment, as though waiting for it to explode in her hands. Or start downloading malware, at the very least.

A moment later, she steels her resolve enough to risk a peek, opening one eye to observe her dumb match.

An incredulous laugh escapes Lumine as she brings the device closer, turning up the brightness of the screen.

It’s nothing short of an absolute shitpost.

While not the hottest redhead she’s ever seen, Childe is undeniably, incredibly attractive, even with the stupid, floppy bucket hat and the tiniest sunglasses she’s ever seen perched high on his idiotic, freckled nose. He’s saluting the photographer with an open can of ginger ale, the muscles of his arm nicely toned, adorned with moles. 

As a fellow sports maniac, Lumine has to scoff, critical of those broad shoulders. So much for the “so-so abs.”

The real deal is definitely nothing like she’d imagined. Better, but at the same time, so much worse. 

Her gaze drifts. In the background, she makes out a strip of sparkling water and the towering treeline indicates the beginning of a forest. The loose “women want me, fish fear me” shirt and the fishing hooks pushed into the hat are extremely telling. 

His hair is the brightest shade of auburn Lumine’s ever seen, peeking out in soft tufts from under the floppy rim, lovingly framed by the harsh rays of midday sun beating down on the back of Childe’s sunburnt neck.

The owner of Childe’s Spiderman-themed glasses is nothing more than a blur in the aesthetic background, zooming past the camera. The shocking red shade of the boy’s hair indicates an obvious blood relation, but Lumine politely withholds from commenting, unwilling to pry. It’s far too early to talk about each other’s families.  

Noticing that she’s taken far too long to reply, Lumine closes the chat gallery.

➞

LUMINE: I don't know what I expected

CHILDE: expectations mean nothing in the world of dating apps

*taps profile description like a sign*

you alright there? been real quiet for a while now

not sure whether i should be worried that you died upon witnessing my beauty or i'm just that ugly

i'll assume that it's the first one to spare my feelings 

i'm yet to receive the long-since-overdue "blocked by the user" notification

LUMINE: I'm not ghosting dw

I'd never

CHILDE: lmao it's what they all say

i say it too, it's ok 

completely understandable

LUMINE: You're so ugly lmao

Meme lord

CHILDE: thank you for the generous compliment

i hope this pic looks good on your lockscreen

don't forget to kiss it goodnight before you go to sleep tonight

LUMINE: Sure thing, Not Robert

CHILDE: oh? is that a good thing

LUMINE: This means nothing. Don't get your hopes up lol

CHILDE: i would never

LUMINE: Good, we have a mutual understanding <3

CHILDE: <3

LUMINE: Anyways, it's been a real terrible time, have a horrible night

I'll be retiring now

CHILDE: great! see you tomorrow, comrade 

can't wait to do this all over again

LUMINE: As if I'll be back for more of this clownery

CHILDE: you will

who else will join my circus?

LUMINE: You'll live, masochist

Night

CHILDE: sweet dreams

lumine

➞

LUMINE: Why does living with a studious person gotta suck so bad

CHILDE: told you that you'd be back

LUMINE: Everyone seems to be busy and all these chads are boring me to death

CHILDE: so you don't find me boring :pleading-face:

LUMINE: Ew what's that emoji

Just say you're desperate for a crumb of coochie, it's okay. I won't judge 

Not to your face, at least

And you are boring me to death, don't get me wrong. Just slightly... less

CHILDE: eh, i'll take it 

but is it as bad as living with a couple, tho 

LUMINE: I live with a couple too. Her gf's not around as much bc of school, but

CHILDE: oh yeesh

you do have it all, huh

LUMINE: Wym

CHILDE: nvm

so what's it like being a third-wheel and the dumb jock simultaneously?

LUMINE: Awful, thanks for asking

CHILDE: sadly, i relate

LUMINE: No way. You? Really?

The most sought-after bachelor sharing a flat? I can hardly believe my ears

CHILDE: i'm a lonely rich boy

even rich boys get sad sometimes

wipes a tear with a 1000 mora bill

LUMINE: Off with your head, moneybags

But not before you give me some of your fortune

CHILDE: only if you listen to me complain about my third-wheeling experience

LUMINE: Alright.

But you better send me at least a couple of thousand by the end of it 

For any psychic damage that I might sustain

CHILDE: not taking at least half up front?

you'd make a bad magnate, that's for sure

LUMINE: Not like I'm at any risk of ever becoming one

CHILDE: you can always become one by marrying a rich boy;)

LUMINE: So I can kill him in his sleep and then take his fortune, good thinking

And when the cops show, I'll discreetly smudge my mascara and weep theatrically 

"My husband passed away peacefully in his sleep," I'll say

CHILDE: im sorry to all and any rich boys that are destined to marry you, barracuda

LUMINE: Barracuda?

Are you calling me a fish?

CHILDE: no what

do you not know what a barracuda is

like in the song 

LUMINE: Why are you cursing at me

Should I look up the term?

I regret looking it up.

CHILDE: what did you find omg

share

[LUMINE sent a link]

➞

CHILDE: "two fingers in the pink one in the stink" no fucking way

i'll be unironically using it from this point on

LUMINE: I assume you meant the "promiscuous woman" one

CHILDE: yes

i didn't even know there's a meaning to it 

like uh

that

really nailing the dim jock stereotype, comrade

LUMINE: Shut the fuck up, Robert

And I'm sorry to inform you that it's not exactly raining rich men here, so this murder scenario is entirely hypothetical

CHILDE: uh-huh

LUMINE: Now that that's been cleared up, are you gonna bitch to me in a weak attempt to seem relatable or

Points at watch

Time is money, cough it up or pay me

CHILDE: why r u so mean to me </3

LUMINE: You literally just called me stupid

CHILDE: i didn't say it

LUMINE: You implied it

CHILDE: stop reading into things:( 

LUMINE: Dumbass

Well?

CHILDE: im sharing a flat with these two ladies

due to circumstances

not right now, seeing that i'm out of the country

it's kind of impressive that they're both like a decade older than me (i think? idk how old exactly but i'm p sure ancient) and they have like 2 mora between them as a family budget

they also have a cat named fox. it physically pains me

LUMINE: The pussy causes you pain?

CHILDE: the name, you weirdo

anyways

i feel bad for them sometimes because they did offer me their place to stay, so i discreetly buy extra groceries. if they noticed, they didn't say anything

LUMINE: Sugar daddy to milfs, love that

CHILDE: *old gay women

LUMINE: Is it truly a household if you don't have a lovely lesbian couple there?

CHILDE: they've been boning since ye olde times 

i was probably still in school when they started

gay people just blow my mind

bonds like nothing i've ever seen before

but they're so annoying, god bless

LUMINE: Agreed

Do go on

CHILDE: i feel like one of them is legitimately allergic to pants

she's just parading around the house, cheeks out at all times

no one wants to see it

yae's a fucking nightmare

LUMINE: Don't namedrop. Let's respect privacy in this household

CHILDE: mb

this one time i brought someone over, and right as things are about to get steamy, she comes out of the other room, no pants, an oversized shirt on, bottle of wine in hand

and she's like, here, a drink for the beautiful lady 

and then sits down next to my girl and starts chatting her up

and she's laughing like she's having the time of her life

LUMINE: I mean, I'm sorry to hear that your date got hijacked by an elderly lesbian with no pants

But is it really her fault if your game is that weak?

CHILDE: it gets worse

like

they start talking about politics and other stuff

and her girlfriend comes back home

and she's like

"ah yes, inflation. my favorite. let's discuss."

and i'm just sitting there, titties out

fly undone

listening to them talk about the economy

LUMINE: And I'm the one living up to the stereotype of a dumb jock? Can't find anything to say on socioeconomic climate change? The ever-changing value of Mora and its effects on the market?

excuse you

CHILDE: as a rich boy, i have plenty to say on that

LUMINE: Mmm, then why didn't you join in?

CHILDE: i was trying to get laid, lumine

LUMINE: Maybe politics get her hot

And she has a thing for forbidden foursomes with a token straight boy

Did you even bother to ask her

CHILDE: i am more than my massive cock

i have feelings too, and i think she liked me

but now i'm not so sure

thanks, you've made a bad memory worse:/

LUMINE: You're very welcome

At no point did I say that I'm a sympathetic listener

CHILDE: i wouldn't have guessed

LUMINE: That'll be a 100 Mora, please

CHILDE: send me your payment details, i'll make sure to forward it

LUMINE: Sure, here they are 

[LUMINE sent an attachment]

➞

LUMINE: I charge an extra 0.05 Mora for every minute you make me wait

Wait, I thought we were joking

Is your name Ajax

I thought it was "Chile with an "e""

CHILDE: *childe

LUMINE: Whatever, liar

What kind of name is Ajax, sounds like my cleaning supplies

CHILDE: ironically enough, that's true. it is indeed a cleaning supply brand

LUMINE: I knew that I've seen it somewhere

Also you're fucking joking, right?

I'm not taking your Mora, idiot

I'm sending this back right now

CHILDE: keep it

for the trouble

LUMINE: I'm fucking serious, Childe

Don't insult me

CHILDE: you called me childe

LUMINE: Well, that's your name, isn't it

Take back your stinky Mora, I don't need it

I actually quite enjoyed your story and my brain has sustained no damage, so don't you dare not take this back

I'm not a thief

CHILDE: consider it a gift then

LUMINE: I'm not your sugar baby

Trying to fornicate with me is more expensive than this

CHILDE: do tell

LUMINE: You'll have to do a funny little courting dance and give me a feather first

CHILDE: blue or yellow

LUMINE: I hate you

Also blue

My brother would take yellow

CHILDE: smells like issues to me

LUMINE: You wish

CHILDE: uh-huh

wanna talk about it?

LUMINE: Absolutely not

Sending your shitty mora back to you now

CHILDE: Lumine, I'm serious. I'm not taking it back. 

LUMINE: Oh wow, I can tell. Look at you, capitalizing your sentences like a big boy.

CHILDE: i refuse

i'll throw it out

LUMINE: Instead of throwing a tantrum, why not give the money to your flatmates? If I keep this, it'll feel like I owe you something

CHILDE: you owe me nothing

and you never will

LUMINE: I

You know what?

This is rather confusing

I'm logging off for now

Two days filled with confused anger later, Lumine picks up her phone. Only to explain herself, mind you. 

She does not feel bad. She doesn't.

➞

LUMINE: I'm not really hot on men trying to buy my attention, so.

I was seriously joking. You don't need to pay me to listen to you talk. I'm sorry if it seemed that way. It kind of put me off tbh.

CHILDE: in that case, i apologize

it wasn't my intention to upset you

i promise that i'm not trying to buy your affection

it's alright for you to stop talking to me

LUMINE: You're really going to make me say it, aren't you

CHILDE: say what

wym

LUMINE: I

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Like???? Talking to you????

Like, you kinda annoy the living shit out of me, but it's also fun

And you're yet to call me a bitch for being mean and rude

CHILDE: do you get called that a lot?

LUMINE: Only three times today. I'd say this is one of the better days

CHILDE: eh

their loss

you may be a bitch, but you're a bad bitch <3

i think you're alright

LUMINE: Just alright, wow

CHILDE: so now you want me to compliment you?

LUMINE: I am going to ignore that

I don't know, it's kind of easy to talk to you

As frustrating as it is 

CHILDE: aww 

<3

that's so sweet

you liiiiike me

LUMINE: Like is a strong word

Let's go with "tolerate"

And let's never speak about this again

CHILDE: what, feelings?

LUMINE: There are no feelings here, but yes

I don't like mushy stuff

CHILDE: you mean feelings?

LUMINE: Sure, whatever

CHILDE: i don't really like talking about those too

it kind of leaves you vulnerable and exposed

and that's the last thing i want

LUMINE:You get it

Alright, let's just vibe

CHILDE: all vibes then, comrade

LUMINE: Cool

And so, they continue growing closer.

Indeed, she finds Childe easy to talk to, their conversations bouncing back and forth, from recollections of the past to something as simple as "Coke vs Pepsi."

Lumine firmly stands by "there's no difference, it's all the same."

It drives Childe mad.

➞

LUMINE: You ever fall for someone so bad that you literally draw portraits of them

CHILDE: uh no

but i can try?

LUMINE: What

CHILDE: what

LUMINE: My brother's not boyfriend is a freak

CHILDE: like in bed or

LUMINE: Does everything have to be about sex, Childe

CHILDE: yes

but do go on

depending on how sexy it is i may or may not be more or less invested

LUMINE: Like he got an offer from someone to do like a thing for an art show and now there's so much gay tension that I cringe from secondhand embarrassment

CHILDE: drawing by default is gay 

LUMINE: Well said, straightie

CHILDE: you keep calling me that

i don't understand why

LUMINE: You're not?

CHILDE: do i look straight to you

LUMINE: Is "yes" an acceptable answer

CHILDE: lumine, i may have two energy drinks for breakfast and then run around the block shirtless, i may like absinthe, bmws, wwe, hunting and ice fishing, and i may write "haha and then what;)" A LOT, but that doesn't mean anything

LUMINE: You have never written that to me ever

CHILDE: maybe you just haven't reached that stage yet

LUMINE: Maybe you should shut up

CHILDE: haha and then what;)

LUMINE: Haha I'll block you and then what;)

CHILDE: when she threatens to block you, so you immediately know that she's having a good day <3333

LUMINE: Your bmws are shit and a good audi is superior

CHILDE: you take that back

blasphemy

i'm a bmw queen until i die 

i got into a heated argument over this at work and the next day this was my fit

[CHILDE sent an attachment]

➞

LUMINE: Loving the pink "bmw queen" hoodie, you weren't kidding

And the track pants omg

CHILDE: this is peak snezhnayan look

LUMINE: Flex that heritage, comrade

My argument on the audi vs bmw

Here

[LUMINE sent an attachment]

➞

CHILDE: are you threatening me

i could take you 

LUMINE: In a fight?

CHILDE: yes

that

LUMINE: You wish

And you know... Audi. 4 rings. My brass knuckles also have 4 rings

CHILDE: elaborate

a bit of a stretch but i like it

LUMINE: Are you not going to question why I have these

CHILDE: no? it’d be weird if you didn’t have any

LUMINE: Ok good

Where was I

OH

Shut the fuck up, straightie

CHILDE: i send you a photo of myself popping ass in a pink tracksuit and you call me straight

and i thought we were friends:(

LUMINE: You thought wrong

I bet you wouldn't even let anyone peg you, straightie

CHILDE: um

what is that

LUMINE: Wym

CHILDE: that peg thing

LUMINE: Oh my god

You're pulling my leg, right?

CHILDE: are you going to tell me or

LUMINE: You seriously don't know?

CHILDE: now you know how i felt about the barracuda thing 

LUMINE: Childe, you're not fucking serious

CHILDE: i see that you have no interest in telling me, so i'll look it up myself

LUMINE: CHILDE NO

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG 

TOO INEXPERIENCED

Keep your precious youth for a little while longer

CHILDE: ohhhh

the strap on fucking

why would anyone peg me

i thought it was a lesbian thing exclusively?

LUMINE: A 

A LESBIAN THING 

JSDFHKFDJF;F

I pedf jd

Wait, you seriously never saw any porn of dudes getting the strap?

CHILDE: no:(

i didn't even know that's a thing 

LUMINE: There's no way

Not even by accident???

CHILDE: nope, never

LUMINE: What kind of crap have you been watching?

CHILDE: i'm more interested to know where your tastes lie

since you seem to know a lot about this

i think you gotta specifically surf the tags for this content;)

LUMINE: I

CHILDE: yes?;))))

LUMINE: You're an absolute clown and you're never getting it up the ass

CHILDE: i think it's cool to try new things! keeps things fresh

i'd try it for sure

LUMINE: You what

CHILDE: the pegging:D seems fun

i'll look into it rn

LUMINE: Please don't watch pegging porn while talking to me

CHILDE: why not?

LUMINE: It's weird??? Duh???

CHILDE: i'm just trying to see what's so good about it, it's not like i'm jerking off 

unless you're into that 

LUMINE: Oookay this is getting a bit too kinky for me

Have fun looking at straps 

CHILDE: lmao ok

bye bye <3

➞

CHILDE: so it's kinda like a dom/sub thing. you enjoy being a dom, right?

LUMINE: Childe, we are not discussing this

CHILDE: :(

➞

LUMINE: I'm bored

Do you game

CHILDE: comrade, do i

what's your preference

LUMINE: It's either apex or stardew valley

Nothing in between

CHILDE: i could go for apex rn

cracks knuckles

i'm just gonna let you know that i'm good

LUMINE: Well so am I, tf do you want

A pat on the back?

CHILDE: yes please

LUMINE: No

Earn it

CHILDE: we can bet on kills 

LUMINE: You're on

But how will it work? It's not like I can actually pat you on the back

CHILDE: why's that? you're only four hours away

LUMINE: Precisely

CHILDE: oh right, i forget not everyone has money:( so sorry for u

if i win, next turn we play, we go on vc

LUMINE: Desperate to hear my voice?

CHILDE: no, just more fun that way

LUMINE: Casual dismissal 

Noice

CHILDE: let's not get carried away

LUMINE: Don't quote me to me, you absolute turd

CHILDE: so what will we do if you win (not likely to happen, but i'm going to pretend that i'm concerned)

LUMINE: Getting to rub my victory into your face is a good reward in and of itself 

CHILDE: fair

add me

LUMINE: Alright, krasivaya_zhenshchina420

Pizdec, indeed

CHILDE: you seem to know some snezhnayan

are you from around

LUMINE: Ofc I do, doesn't everyone?

CHILDE: you'd be surprised

LUMINE: And don't be so fucking nosy. I'm @ guili rn

For all you know I could be liyuean and using some random photos to catfish you, moneybags

CHILDE: is that why you chose photos of someone who almost looks like my dream woman olga naumenko

LUMINE: Yeah, sure

CHILDE: also bangalore is mine

LUMINE: SHHSHutu the fuck up

I'm a bangalore main, do not touch

CHILDE: same here 

omg

twinsies <3

fine i'll give, but just this once. i can still get that victory off of you 

wouldn't want to crush you that badly://

LUMINE: Alright, new rules

If I win, I get to be bangalore in all future games 

CHILDE: that's a bit too much

LUMINE: Take it or leave it 

My voice is on the line

CHILDE: not yet, lumi

but soon>:)

➞

LUMINE:So, are you going to blame your sad loss on not having your main?

CHILDE: yokjgjnk you din't eve n cover my ass 

LUMINE: O whoops lol

Are you gonna call me a bitch

CHILDE: no, i'm going to call you the other b word

a baby

:)

LUMINE: I will legitimately stop talking to you if you call me that

Guess you won't ever get to hear my voice then, huh

CHILDE: guess not

sighs

➞

LUMINE:I've done goofed up, comrade

CHILDE: what happened?

do i need to kill someone

give me their exact location, i'll see what i can do. no one will discover their remains, dw

LUMINE: If I did that, i'm afraid that i'd be in the line of fire rn

CHILDE: no.......

what happened omg

are you doing what i think you're doing

LUMINE: probably

Were you thinking something along the lines of "bad date with a complete creep"

CHILDE: ok maybe not that exactly

but i did have a passing thought about it

icb i'm not your one and only... </3

LUMINE: This is no time for your clownery

I'm legitimately creeped out

CHILDE: did he tell you he's into feet

LUMINE: I'm not even gonna bother to respond to it

CHILDE: where r u rn

are u safe

LUMINE: Yeah, hiding in the bathroom rn

If I stay here any longer, he's probably gonna think i'm shitting

Not a good look for first date

CHILDE: but girls don't poop:( so he's not gonna think that

LUMINE: Too obsessed with powdering my nose, then. Still pretty bad

CHILDE: i thought the idea was to ditch him

why do you care what he thinks about you

LUMINE: Idk man

Gotta ditch the creep in style

So can you please call me and pretend that you're my mother or something and that it's urgent

CHILDE: your mommy childe with a manly voice

LUMINE: I bet you sound like my brother at 14

CHILDE: i assume that's derogatory

LUMINE: You assume correctly

CHILDE: i can simply stop responding

LUMINE: And just leave me here with some man who may be into feet on top of being an absolute creep?

CHILDE: your argument is compelling, comrade

fine

when should i call you?

LUMINE: In a few

CHILDE: okay, give me your number

dw, i got you 

always

“Sorry that I took so long,” Lumine fakes her most innocent smile. The sound of the ancient chair’s legs grinding against the dark wood floor makes her cringe. 

Her date appears to suspect nothing, an eyebrow raised in silent question. He fixes his old-fashioned glasses, sliding them up the sharp bridge of his freckled nose. “It’s impolite to keep your date waiting,” the nerd complains, tone accusatory and painfully snobby.

Lumine smiles and eyes the fork. The metal glints in the lowlight, alluring. 

Briefly, she considers stabbing it into the man’s frail hand but decides against it.

She’ll be out of here soon enough.

“Well, I’m back,” she laughs nervously, fixing her hair. “Where were we?”

To be honest, it does not matter in the slightest. She hasn’t been paying any attention to this clown for quite some time now, gaze lingering on the falling snow outside. She doesn’t know what exactly possessed her to go out with this loser, the man’s pea-sized brain filled with complex math formulas and unprecedented sexism exclusively. Outdated worldview.

Creepy proposals. Subtle talks of a future together. 

On their first (and last) date.

She sure knows how to pick them. Then again, this was mostly a pity date.

As if Lumine would ever want to get serious with some dickwad who genuinely believes that the most befitting place for a woman is the kitchen.

She’d be his, just for the laughs. Watch him starve to death, unable to cook rice or make himself a sandwich. You know, basic life skills.

She’d lost all hope the moment the weirdo asked for her opinion on knee socks, the question so sudden and random that she nearly spilled boiling coffee on the front of her nicest button-down shirt.

Right on cue, her phone insistently buzzes in the back pocket of her pants, demanding attention. The insulted asshole’s hawk-eyed glare nearly makes her balk. Lumine thinks that the creep is not above slapping the phone out of her hand, offended. An unknown number flashes on the cracked screen, so she makes sure to angle it, hiding the display from her insufferable date’s all-seeing stare. 

“It’s from my mom,” she forces out, still grinning. A nerve twitches under the skin of her left cheek. “She hardly calls. Seems to be urgent, won’t take long. I promise.”

The man only scoffs in response and sits back, crossing his fragile nerd arms over his chest. “Better be quick,” Lumine hears him mutter under his breath.

Gods, she really wants to kick him in the shin. Hard. She bets that he’d crumble under the tiniest poke. Would probably start wailing, too, and then end up threatening her with a lawsuit–for not knowing “her place” or whatever.

Heart rate picking up a notch, Lumine tries to swallow down her budding nerves, palms turning slightly damp. Fuck, when did she turn into such an Aether. Why’s she nervous, anyways? It’s just Childe, saving her ass like some knight in shining armor.

Sobered up by the rather humiliating fact, she sighs, clicks her tongue, and finally picks up, voice only a little shaky when she greets the mystery caller. “Hello?”

Lumine is greeted by a warbling, grandma-like voice, speaking in rapid-fire Snezhnayan. To hide her utter surprise, she ends up slightly facing away, mouth agape. Childe’s impression of an elderly, extremely agitated woman is nothing short of impeccable, his angry tone making Lumine’s eyebrows disappear into her fringe. 

She chews on the inside on her cheek to keep herself from laughing incredulously, brow furrowing to make out the steady stream of insults beating down her ear, calling her date a “stupid degenerate” and promising him a “quick, but not painless death via sniping”. 

The acting is so good that for a second there, Lumine wonders whether Childe gave the phone to an actual ticked-off grandma or was simply catfishing her all along.

Her date’s prying look is quick to bring her out of it. To seem more convincing, Lumine sagely nods along and racks her brain for appropriate Snezhnayan responses to this type of monologue.

“D-da. Da, babushka. Y-Ya… ponyal?” she squints, hoping the words are correct. The sheer amount of effort makes her head spin while the nerd eyes her warily. Shit. She’s never been that good at acting. On the other end, amused silence follows. She can almost visualize a sly grin pulling at Childe’s lips, entertained by the struggle. “Vse korosho. Poka!” Lumine barks into the receiver, cutting her suffering short.

The tension is quick to return to her body, winding up in the shoulder area. The creep still looks very much offended by the rude interruption.

Unwilling to give him any more time of her precious day, Lumine rises, hand reaching for her backpack. “Sorry, I have to go.”

“I thought it was your mom?” the man asks, seemingly suspicious.

“My grandma. You know how they get when they make you lunch and you don’t show up on time.

“I didn’t know you were from Snezhnaya.”

Lumine’s hand tightens around the strap of the bag, nearly tearing into the brown pleather. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

“I see.” Something in his body language indicates a sense of loss. In real time, Lumine watches the loser give up on her, sinking deeper into the chair. His coffee–black, no sugar, no milk, what a man–cools on the table, forgotten. “Why did your grandma call you a male goat?”

Lumine chokes on air, face paling significantly.

No way…

Did he understood some of Childe’s creative insults? Talk about awkward.

It would be kind of funny if it weren’t so terrifying. The dude looks like the vengeful type. In addition, he has some of her personal information. Successfully finding her dormitory would be a piece of cake.

Privately, she prays for zero flaming turds left at her doorstep. Yanfei would absolutely go feral.

“It’s a pet name,” Lumine squeaks out awkwardly, throwing on her outdoor clothes as fast as humanly possible. The woolen scarf nearly chokes her. “She calls me a goat.”

The man hums, uninterested. Despite the rather obvious showcase of nervousness, nothing in his eyes foreshadows a dawning sense of realization. “I see,” is all he says. Again. Lumine barely holds back the urge to roll her eyes. “Take care.”

“You too.”

Right before she leaves, the dude’s nasally voice demands her attention. “I’ll send you the bill.”

With an annoyed groan, Lumine slams the door as hard as she can without cracking the stained glass, the cheerful jingling of the cafe’s bell overpowering her awful date’s disgruntled tone.

She doesn’t make it past the next few buildings when the phone buzzes once more, shoved into the folds of the oversized coat that she’d stolen from the forgotten depths of Aether’s wardrobe. 

Lumine thinks about letting the ringing run its course, but something about that persistent buzzing makes her steely resolve crumble somewhat. Feeling boneless and overwhelmed by the recent events, she pats her pockets for the obnoxious device and presses it to her frostbitten cheek. 

Childe’s painfully normal voice warms it immediately.

“Is he gone?” the man asks, chuckling directly into the bright pink shell of Lumine’s ear. Something about that laugh makes her extremely uncomfortable, but there’s nothing to be done about it. It's way too intimate. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have any headphones on her. “Did you enjoy my acting? I’m told that I make a decent grandma impression.”

That wonderfully melodious voice feels as though it sticks to the inside of her ear. Sweet like honey, its sugary tone successfully makes her shiver. Lumine chalks it up to the freezing winds of winter Guili, dismissive of the surfacing… gross feelings. It’s insane, really, how nice the dumbass sounds. Like a sex operator and a pop idol had a baby, Lumine thinks. 

The barest hint of an accent really drives it home, twisting the handle of the knife lodged deep in her gut, its metal searing-hot.

Gods forbid, Childe the Robert sounds fucking hot.

However, she’s absolutely not about to wax poetic about some idiot that she’s been talking to for no more than a few weeks. That would be sad. Sexy voice or not, this is still Childe; the same guy who sent her a photo of a fish ten minutes into their first conversation.

This tidbit of knowledge kills her boner by default.

"Insane,” Lumine nods, clearing her throat. Childe’s bright laughter sounds like the melodious jingling of tiny Christmas bells, or something as equally gay as that. Disgusting. “I can’t believe that this is the first conversation we’re having and you’ve already called me a male goat.”

The small frown of confusion is glaringly obvious in his questioning tone. “That was dedicated to your guy, not you. You didn’t get busted, did you?”

“Not my guy. Also, thankfully, no. If that were the case, I’d be speedwalking to the nearest bridge to kill myself,” she jokes, cringing at the memory.

A beat of silence, followed up by uncertainty. “You’re not doing exactly that, right?”

Lumine snorts. A soft smile pulls at her lips. “Of course not. At the very least, I'd hang up first.”

“Good to know,” Childe hums. There’s some background noise, wherever he is. She hears the distinct clattering of kitchen utensils. “I have to say, I’m impressed. He picked up on the goat, but not the degenerate. Way to deny the obvious. And it’s not even that far off.”

“I don’t think he was listening.” Lumine sighs, feet on autopilot, already carrying her to yet another cafe. She’d taken some tea instead of coffee, unwilling to risk the caffeinated beverage intensifying her anxiety. “Makes us even.”

Curious to know more about her disaster date, her personal online jester asks some follow-up questions, subtly making fun of Lumine’s misery without being mean about it. Or degrading her questionable life choices. 

It is undeniably nice.

She continues listening to Childe babble away even as she lines up to get her warm drink, patiently waiting for the minty flat white. 

The barista shoots her a deeply knowing look. Dimly, Lumine realizes that she’s been dumbly smiling at her phone for well over ten minutes now, akin to some flustered maiden in love. Her cheeks hurt like hell.

She hardly recalls the last time she’s smiled like this–definitely way before she’d stepped foot into Guili territory.

Childe seemingly screens her thoughts, voice turning overwhelmingly soft when he coos, “Just a few days ago, I thought I’d never hear you speak. And here we are.”

“Here we are,” Lumine parrots, awkwardly shuffling her feet. “Your voice is weird,” she forces out, taking a sip of the coffee to hide her surfacing embarrassment. 

Thankfully, the hidden implication flies right over his empty, ginger head. “Sorry ‘bout that. I’m out with a cold right now.”

“Are you making soup? You need soup.”

“The fabled fish stew, yes.” Another distinct clang. “How could you tell?”

“Just a feeling,” Lumine mumbles, getting comfortable in an unoccupied booth. The place is far too crowded for her liking, but it’ll do. It is far too cold outside and her fingers are raw from the harsh wind. Any more of this and she’ll be out sick as well, possibly suffering from a minor case of hypothermia. “Give me some.”

Childe snorts. “Come over.”

To be honest? She’d love to.

She’d love to sit down next to Childe, comfortable in her home clothes, fuzzy socks on. Eat his delicious, homemade fish stew and drink his stupid, boiled berry juice, or whatever.

She is turning into Aether.

“Maybe someday,” Lumine tentatively agrees. Her friend goes quiet in the background, so she quickly backtracks, neck growing hot. “But I make no promises.”

“Of course,” Childe’s giggle seems significantly less… spirited. Lumine chooses to ignore it. She feels as though she just threw a puppy a bone, only to cruelly rip it away. “You know, you sound nothing like what I’d imagined.”

“Oh?”

Childe’s stupid leer is nearly tangible in his voice. “You sound a whole lot less mean, comrade. Can’t call me names directly to my face?”

Lumine would punch him in the aforementioned face for that. “Did it ever occur to you that I’m only being nice because you did me a solid back there?”

“Sure,” Childe dismissed, lighthearted. “Whatever you say.”

“You’re so annoying.”

“I know. You keep telling me that.”

“I really mean it.”

Lumine’s knuckles turn white around her phone, Childe’s stupid, sexy voice painfully enamored in her ear, resonating with something forbidden. Something located deep inside her, buried six feet under, not meant to be accessed by anyone. Uncomfortably twisting her soul, gradually chipping away at the stone walls encasing her uninviting heart. “Sure thing, Lumine.”

Lumine.

Privately, she knows that she’ll be clinging to the sound of her name rolling off that stupid idiot’s tongue for many days to come.

➞

CHILDE: i'm having a bad day

can i call you?

LUMINE: Sure

Uh, let me just get my stuff and leave

CHILDE: if it's an inconvenience, you don't have to

LUMINE: Childe

It's okay

I'll just go on a walk 

CHILDE: at 9:50 pm

LUMINE: Don't see how that's an issue

CHILDE: dress warmly, don't get cold

LUMINE: Okay, snezhnayan

➞

CHILDE: i had a dream that we met

you looked a bit different though, so it took some time to piece it together

LUMINE: What'd I look like?

CHILDE: like you, but with long hair

LUMINE: I think you mentally went on a date with my brother

CHILDE: oh 

well that sucks

LUMINE: Why? Typically my brother gets all the dates and none are left disappointed

CHILDE: if i wanted to date your brother, i think i'd be talking to him now, not you

LUMINE: I don't know how to respond to that

CHILDE: you don't have to 

LUMINE: Okay

What were you and my brother doing?

CHILDE: we were at the beach

watching the sunset

LUMINE: Ah, the profile description

CHILDE: right, i think so

almost forgot what it said, it's been quite some time

LUMINE: Indeed

What else?

CHILDE: nothing

just standing side by side and looking out into the sea

it was really cool

and nice

not gonna lie

typically, my dreams are nightmarish

a lot of gore and death

used to be scared shitless, but now it's p alright. i always wanna see how many monsters i can kill and how deep i can venture inside the building

it just keeps going deeper and deeper

LUMINE: Have you ever reached the end?

CHILDE: no. it just sort of stops at the 12th floor

LUMINE: Kinda dark

CHILDE: i mean, i'm not complaining. i like it

LUMINE: That's fucked. I'd probably never want to sleep

CHILDE: you get used to these things eventually. i take meds for it, so.

LUMINE: Still

Also gay dream

Disgusting

0/10, we weren't even running

CHILDE: would you have preferred co-starring in my horror dream?

LUMINE: We could've fought our way through a horde of monsters together. Maybe we could have reached the 13th floor

An ominous number

But it would've been way cooler if that's what you're asking

CHILDE: i have to agree

hope to see you there the following night

LUMINE: I'll be there

Also make sure to give me a cool sword

CHILDE: i wouldn't have it any other way tbh

➞

CHILDE: call me?

LUMINE: Alright

➞

LUMINE: Wanna call?

CHILDE: yeah, give me 10 mins

➞

LUMINE: Call?

CHILDE: in a few

➞

CHILDE: lumi, miss you

call?

LUMINE: Kk

➞

LUMINE: Yo, so I'll be going to liyue harbor for the art expo in a week or so

Gotta be there to kick that artist's ass for messing with my bro's feelings

Also famous sibling now I guess

Gotta congratulate him and all

I was wondering if maybe you're free then

CHILDE: lumi

are you asking me out

LUMINE: I mean

I'd like to meet you irl if that's okay?

CHILDE: ofc it is omg

i'd love to

when will you be here

what flowers do you like

dress fancy, i'm gonna take you to wanmin's

LUMINE: No flowers pls

CHILDE: aw:(

LUMINE: Ok maybe one flower

CHILDE: :)

LUMINE: And you're not allowed to go overboard

CHILDE: i make no promises

are you nervous

LUMINE: ...

Kind of

You're probably gonna fall asleep on me irl

CHILDE: ;)

LUMINE: No

CHILDE: :(

lumi, i wouldn't 

you're so cool

the baddest bitch i know

you could be the most boring girl out there and i'd still say thank u 

LUMINE: But what if it's different irl

CHILDE: i don't think it will be 

dw

LUMINE: Okay

CHILDE: i, for one, am super excited like

wtf i'm gonna see you irl

no way

LUMINE: Yes way

CHILDE: feels like a dream

LUMINE: Well, it's reality

CHILDE: good

fucking good

LUMINE: Hm, I wonder if you're just as dumb irl

CHILDE: ofc i am 

it's all right there on the label

LUMINE: Your “label” is the most inaccurate shit i've ever seen

Delete it

It offends me

CHILDE: i think i will, actually

right after we meet

i'll do it in front of you

i don't really need this app anymore

LUMINE: Hm, same here

➞

CHILDE: i wont stop pacing

are you sure you don't want me to pick you up

LUMINE: No, unless you want to meet my brother

CHILDE: not particularly

but what if you get lost

and then someone kidnaps you

LUMINE: Do you seriously think anyone would try

CHILDE: no

but still:(

LUMINE: No buts, I'll see you soon

Idiot

Calm down

CHILDE: i'm calm

cool as a cucumber

LUMINE: Yeah, sure

➞

LUMINE: So which stop do I need to get off at

CHILDE: liyue pavilion, 35 bus

don't forget to get off on time because it'll take you VERY far away

LUMINE: I can walk, dw

CHILDE: lumi

LUMINE: You're way too nervous

CHILDE: am not

LUMINE: Sure

Ok, bro's going to xiangling's for his baking session, almost done

I'll leave him to it

He's so freaked out about this it's giving me secondhand stress

CHILDE: i'd be too in his case lmao

LUMINE: I can see that

See you at 1pm? 

CHILDE: yes!!!!!!!!

see you soon:)

do i need to wear a sign

LUMINE: I think I'd notice your ginger ass two blocks away lmaooo

CHILDE: ok fair

LUMINE: The question is will you notice me

CHILDE: a dumb question so i'm not even gonna bother answering it

LUMINE: Fair enough

➞

LUMINE: Omw

CHILDE: i'm sweating so bad

LUMINE: But it's so cold? Why tf

CHILDE: ...

:I

btw i didn't know what flower you wanted so i took one of each

LUMINE: That's the exact opposite of ONE flower

Where will I put them???

CHILDE: i'll safe-keep

you're still staying over, right

LUMINE: I mean yeah? 

Like we agreed. Multiple times.

Unless you don't want me to anymore? 

CHILDE: blasphemy

who will watch the irony of fate with me

He’s not there. 

Lumine twists around, swarmed by people from all sides. She feels ridiculously boxed in by the seemingly infinite throngs of businessmen rushing to their meetings, suitcases in hands. Kids in school uniforms, nearly climbing over each other to reach the nearest convenience stores. Loiterers, eyeing the distressed foreigner in an oversized coat and midnight-blue heels, the skin of her barely-covered thighs turning an impressive shade of red, chilled by the unforgiving cold of Liyuean winter. 

For a second, she assumes that she got off at the wrong stop, but the faded plaque reading “LIYUE PAVILION” tells her otherwise.

Slightly annoyed, Lumine curls into herself, arms crossed and gloved fingers pressed into her armpits to keep them warm. 

Leave it to Childe the Dumbass to be late.

Right as she thinks that, a fucking humongous bouquet seemingly falls out of the sky, nearly slapping her in the face. Startled, she reflexively lashes out, elbowing the bouquet's owner hovering over her none-too-gently. 

She catches her attacker right in the gut, instantly rewarded by a pained and extremely winded oof.

“Shit!” Lumine yells, startled. The realization of what she’s just done dawns on her full force. Embarrassed, she whips around, tripping over her words. “I am so sorry, I–”

Her voice dies down right in the back of her throat as she blinks at the bent-over figure of her date. Curious, she watches him struggle with catching his breath, unable to make out the man's handsome face, obscured by the thick curtain of auburn strands. He’s dressed to match Lumine, something close to fancy with a touch of casual, designer clothes hugging his seemingly tall figure quite nicely.

“Alright, I’ll keep in mind to never surprise you, comrade,” Childe wheezes, gesticulating with the oversized bouquet spewing out lone flowers all over the frosted pavement. A few passersby stop by to watch the unfolding scene, discreetly whispering to each other. Dumbass foreigners and their bizarre courting rituals. “And I was trying to impress you. Damn, you pack a punch.”

Finally, he slowly lifts his chin. Just enough to look up at Lumine.

Her head spins due to the intense blood rush and the electrifying experience, knees far weaker than usual, no thanks to her shoes, more akin to torture devices. 

She’s seen his stupid face before. More than once, always in the form of some funny photo, sent with only one goal in mind--the intention to get a laugh out of her. She’s witnessed Childe in all of his goofy glory, in all of his smugness, but never like this. Not once.

Never this unguarded.

It’s almost as though she’s truly seeing him for the very first time.

For one, his eyes are a wonderful shade of sapphire, something that his crusty phone’s camera never seemed to capture properly. His hair is far more bouncy and that pale, bleached strand is something entirely new. His face looks softer, more gentle, the splash of freckles fading into the subtle flush of his cheeks. His earring brushes against the side of his face, dipping into the folds of the blood-red scarf the moment Childe stands up to full height, completely dwarfing Lumine’s significantly shorter stature.

Lumine thinks that this change is rather strange. It's both good and bad.

Her heart does a funny jump at the mere sight of her date’s lips quirking upwards, that subtle, crooked smile painfully familiar.

Definitely bad.

“Cat got your tongue?” Childe lightly teases, dispelling some of the magical, pink-tinted fog settling over Lumine’s lucid thoughts. “I know that I’m way hotter irl, but not to the point of making someone speechless.”

The quip is so familiar--so like them, like Lumi and Childe--that she cannot help but laugh, feeling lighter than the air itself. Unabashed, she pats her partner on the meaty shoulder, body shaking from barely-suppressed laughter. “Let’s not get carried away,” Lumine mumbles in response, wiping at a stray tear. “You big oaf.”

Reluctant, yet very much deliberate, she allows her hand to slide down Childe’s arm, letting it rest right on his bicep, careful touch meaningful.

It’s the most she can do. The most she can give for now.

She can only hope that he understands. Picks up on the heavy hints that she keeps dropping left and right. 

Childe’s unoccupied hand gently squeezes her fingers in reassurance, that wide palm too cold against the back of Lumine’s clothed hand, easily eclipsing it. The chill almost feels unpleasant, but for some reason, she can’t seem to get enough, intently listening to Childe’s saccharine, deeply understanding voice.

“Sure thing, Lumine.”

Three cheers to Aether, she thinks, pushing her flaming face against Childe’s warm chest, shyly accepting the hug. Sinking deeper into the inviting embrace, enveloped in something close to a sense of safety and belonging. 

Three cheers to her idiot brother for suggesting that stupidly wonderful app.