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"You should do it," Buck says one evening. They're having late dinner while Christopher's all consumed by Big Hero 6 he's watched enough times to talk about it in his sleep. Buck usually loves quiet evenings like this after his days off when Eddie comes home and they get to just exist in their bubble. This time, though, this isn't the case.
"What?"
Eddie's been restless for the past week. For a moment Buck thought it was because of them moving in together not even two months into their relationships. It was easy to fall into old habits thinking that he's too much too fast and Eddie would realize what a burden Buck could be. He even tried to pull away, to limit his presence, to talk less and take up less space. Eddie caught him red-handed and kissed away all the doubts. Believing Eddie was the easiest thing Buck's ever done.
"You should accept the offer. It's been like watching you eating your own heart for the past week."
Buck is terrified of what might happen if Eddie accepts the offer from the organized crime guys. Sometimes Buck still closes his eyes and sees Eddie bleeding out. Sometimes he still washes his hands for too long, feeling the phantom sensation of Eddie's blood under his fingernails. But Buck risks his life every day, and Eddie never once asked him to stop. He came to the hospital when Buck suffered smoke inhalation, he’s there after bad calls, he knows how reckless Buck can be sometimes, and never said that he should stop. Buck owes Eddie at least this.
Eddie looks miserable.
"I'm not going to leave you and Christopher for God knows how long. It's undercover work, Buck. No contacts, no days off, nothing. I'll disappear from your lives completely."
That also scares Buck. The fact that he won’t be able to reach Eddie if he needs him. Anything can happen and Eddie might not even know it. Of course he won’t know. It’s not like the police will update him about his boyfriend’s wellbeing.
"How long do they think it will take?"
"They think Ultras are planning something big for the marathon in September."
"So, like, six months?"
"Give or take."
“You want to do it,” Buck doesn’t know who he’s convincing now. “It's you who thought of the connection. It's your case. We'll be fine, I promise."
Eddie looks at him, and Buck has no idea what he’s feeling right now. The air around them is filled with Buck’s scent of worry and nothing else. Eddie takes Buck’s hand and holds it tight. He’s fighting something inside of his head. Buck wishes Eddie would share it with him. They got pretty good at navigating Eddie’s lack of scent in terms of their relationship. Eddie’s always been generous with expressions of care and love. With his words or his scent, he always makes sure that Buck knows he’s loved and welcomed. That isn’t the problem. The problem starts with Eddie’s other emotions and feelings. Which other emotions and feelings? Buck has no idea, but it’s not hard to guess that they are not pleasant. If Eddie was a regular Alpha, he wouldn’t be able to hide as much. The scent would give him away at least a little bit. But Eddie isn’t a regular Alpha and sometimes when he sees how Buck looks at him for too long, he uses his scent to trick him into thinking that everything is fine. Fine is always a lie, Buck knows that much.
"When Shannon left, my parents kept saying that it was because she was an Alpha and she wasn't cut out to be a mother. It wasn't in Alphas' nature. We're providers, my father said, we care for our children differently, from afar." Eddie rubs his eyes with his free hand. "It wasn't because of her status. We split up because we no longer fit together. But it made me think if I am cut out to be the primary caregiver. I feel like I'm matching up to it now. Leaving again because I have to help someone else."
Buck smiles weakly. He loves how kind Eddie is, how he tries every day to help people, how he treats the victims, how he raises Christopher. It’s much harder to love this kindness when it means Eddie leaving. It’s much harder to love this kindness when it means that Eddie belongs to people, not only to Chris and Buck.
"You're doing it because you want to save people. Someone's gotta do it."
“Yeah, I said the same thing ten years ago joining the corp,” Eddie huffs. “And it broke my wife to the point where she couldn't even stay in her son's life. What if it breaks you? What if I break you?”
There’s so much pain in his voice. He’s always so tender with Buck, like he’s some kind of treasure Eddie needs to keep safe. It doesn’t feel patronizing, like Eddie thinks Buck’s not strong or capable enough. Eddie does that because Buck doesn’t have to be strong and capable all the time. He’s always there to catch him.
Except for the next six months.
“Hey, it’s only six months, not years,” Buck tries to sound reassuring. “You won’t even miss me.”
“I always miss you.”
They tell Christopher the next day. Buck thinks they should stop and unpack the fact that they collectively decided that while Eddie’s away, Christopher will be staying with Buck without discussing it. Buck just said, “we’ll be fine” and Eddie didn’t correct him and now Buck doesn’t know what to do, knowing that Eddie’s leaving his heart and soul and the center of his world in his hands with no doubts. The same Eddie who becomes a helicopter parent every time Chris goes to a sleepover.
“It’s a work trip,” Eddie says to Chris. “It’s really far and I won’t be able to call you.”
“Why?” Christopher frowns and Buck sees the hesitation in Eddie’s eyes. If Chris throws a tantrum, Eddie will stay here and forget about the job.
“It’s far away from here and they don’t have internet.”
A lie to make sure Christopher won’t accidentally tell someone what his father’s doing. Tomorrow Eddie Diaz will disappear for six months. He won’t exist anymore. Police records? Gone. Social media? Gone. Emergency contact for Christopher? Evan Buckley. Buck jokes that Eddie’s fear of technology finally came in handy because the only thing police needed to delete was his Insta. And also some pictures from Buck’s account.
“You know, nineteen percent of people don’t have access to electricity,” Buck says.
“Why do you have to go there?” Christopher visibly doesn’t like the idea, but he tries to understand. Buck’s so proud of him he might actually cry.
“People need my help. Just like when you were born.” Eddie also looks on the edge of tears. He squeezes Christopher's shoulder. “Remember, you showed my medal in school? I need to do something like that again.”
“I need your help.”
Okay, all of them will probably cry today.
“I know, kiddo, but you’ll have Buck with you. Those people don’t have anyone.”
Buck’s throat tightens because of how sure Eddie is of him. Christopher looks at him like he’s considering his options. He doesn’t say no or that’s not enough right away.
“And you won’t have anyone there, Dad?”
“No, no, Chris,” Eddie cups his kid’s face and his hands are so big and strong and they’re trembling. “I’ll always have you. And Buck. I won’t be able to talk to you, but in my heart you’re always with me. Every day.”
Yeah. That’s the moment when Buck cries. They end up curling up on a couch together and Eddie covers them with a tender scent of love. It’s something new, mixed with yearning and devotion. It tastes like goodbye on the tip of Buck’s tongue.
Eddie doesn’t have a lot of things to pack. Everything in his house smells like Christopher and Buck and no one’s willing to take this risk. Eddie will have a new phone, new clothes, new identity and Buck can’t help but think if Eddie will still love him when he’s back. He’ll spend six months being a single Alpha, being someone who doesn’t know Buck, who hasn’t fallen in love with him. Buck’s not doubting Eddie. He’s not picturing him with other people. But it’s not going to be the first time people leave Buck promising to return. Abby said all the right things before the airport gates. And then, when she got far enough, she understood that he was not worth coming back to. Buck fears Eddie will understand that too. No one wanted to stick around long enough and when someone finally did, the Universe found a reason to tear them away from Buck.
“I need to do something before leaving,” Eddie says, taking a folder from the nightstand.
They’re in the bedroom. The quiet morning turns into an equally quiet day. None of them know what to say except goodbye. But they are not ready for this yet. Eddie’s been by his side from the moment they woke up. He touches him, brushes his lips along his temple and cheeks. Even now, when Eddie stands in front of him, he’s so close Buck can feel his breath.
“What’s that?” Buck’s not ready for any more surprises.
“It’s a copy of my will. If I die, you become Christopher’s legal guardian.”
Buck stops breathing for a moment. He waits for Eddie to say something else, to clarify, to add “ifs” or “buts”, but Eddie stays silent.
“Eddie,” Buck whispers and oh, that’s what Eddie feels when he says his name like it’s an oath to the ancient gods.
“If I die during this operation or after, I want you to have each other.”
Eddie says it in such a casual tone of voice, like there’s nothing more logical and natural for him. Like he couldn’t think of anyone he’d rather leave his kid with if he dies. The thought alone is terrifying enough. Buck thinks of how Eddie had to sit down and create a plan in case of him dying in the next six months and feels a lump in the throat. Eddie knows there’s a possibility of him dying alone, under the wrong name, far away from all the people he loves. Buck’s heart throbs in his chest.
“You can’t...” Buck doesn’t know what he means. That Eddie can’t trust him that much because Buck won’t be able to survive him leaving after that, because Buck doesn’t know where to put someone’s love for him that’s as big as Eddie’s. Or maybe he wants to say that you can’t plan your own death so casually. You can’t talk about something that would probably end my entire world like you’re talking about a new coffee place.
“It’s done.”
Eddie’s been looking him in the eye the whole time. Buck wants him to be as scared as he is. Buck doesn’t want him to be scared at all.
“Your parents will try to fight it,” he says weakly.
“Probably,” Eddie shrugs. “But I don’t want him to end up like me. I spent years trying to be the last one in my family who was raised in shame and anger. I need someone who will fight for him and love him. And it’s you, Buck.”
For a second, Buck wants Eddie to say that it’s because he’s an Omega, because it’s in his nature to care for children, because his instincts will tell him to keep Christopher safe. Otherwise Buck will have to live the next six months with the thought that Eddie, who always has a plan, who calculates and thinks everything through, that Eddie thought of every person in his life and picked Buck to care for his child. Not because of Buck’s status, but because of who he is. And it’s been a very long time since Buck liked the person he saw in the mirror. Maybe he never did.
“I’m getting back to you, okay?” Eddie pressed his forehead to Buck's and closed his eyes. “I’ll always fight to get back to my family.”
Buck’s desperation is bitter on their lips.