Work Text:
I never knew that these feelings would be born.
This is disgusting.
“Oi… Matsuno, hurry up!! The club activity will begin!”
I heard a voice from the opposite, where some people were waving, not to me but another person besides me.
“Then, I’ll go with them now. See you tomorrow, Aibou!” The boy tapped my shoulder before he ran. They also say things like ‘See ya, Hanagaki.’ or something like that but I just put on a smile and say nothing.
After I don’t see Chifuyu again, I immediately cover my mouth. I can feel that something are forcefully wanting to come out from my mouth.
Arghh
Don’t talk to My Chifuyu like that.
It disgusts me.
🔻🔻🔻
“I wonder when I started to feel like this.” Takemichi who is now on his seat mutters as he stares at a blond boy who talks to some with his friend. He looks happy but in contrast Takemichi’s expression becomes more heavy, even to some of the people that are coincidentally close to him, they can feel some black aura around Takemichi.
‘My stomach feels weird whenever I see Chifuyu talking with someone else. I want to throw up.’ He stopped looking at Chifuyu and then buried his face between his hands.
Ah, he feels sick and now his head is so damn hurt. He just wants to go home now and sleep, this is very uncomfortable.
Takemichi felt disgusted at himself. He’s just the same as those people who talked with Chifuyu, he is just one of Chifuyu’s friends yet why does he don't like when Chifuyu talks to other people?
“Aibou??” His head lifted up as he felt someone tap his shoulder gently, this nickname--that person must be Chifuyu.
“Chifuyu?” He looks at Chifuyu, the blond seems to be worried about Takemichi. His hand moves touching Takemichi’s cheek.
“Aibou, your face is pale--are you okay? The class is over already after all. If you want to go back home then I’ll go with you.” Takemichi went silent for several seconds before he put on a big smile.
“Nah, I just feel sleepy--also we need to prepare for the Bunkasai right? I would feel bad for everyone else if I went home first.” Chifuyu blinks several times, he still feels weird about Takemichi but he just lets it go this time.
“If you say so, then let’s go and do something.” Chifuyu says as he stands and then reaches out his hand to Takemichi, Takemichi grabs that and also stands up from his seat.
“Un.” Takemichi and Chifuyu then went back to the front of class, helping them make the class sign. They won’t let go until someone from outside class calls Chifuyu out to get something from the yard.
“...” The smile on Takemichi was gone as soon as he separated with Chifuyu, he just slowly painted the sign but he gripped the brush too hard and he almost broke it.
“Ha...Hanagaki are you okay?” One of the classmates who realized that Takemichi almost broke the brush calls the boy, he blinks before scratching his backhead and lets out chuckles.
“Sorry...sorry, ehehe.” he says while chuckling and then continues his work, but his mind is pretty much not there anymore. He just moves the brush without any purpose, the classmate who is in charge making the sign immediately stops Takemichi again before the sign becomes completely faulty.
“Hanagaki, Hanagaki stop!! You’re ruining the sign--Hanagaki!!”
And at the same time, Chifuyu and some of the other classmates are just back from taking some supplies from the yard. Chifuyu blinks his eyes as he watches someone stop Takemichi from doing his work.
“Sorry, I got spaced out.” Takemichi says as he gives back the brush to the other person and lets out a sigh. Why is his mood so damn bad just because Chifuyu is not with him now?
“Aibou, is there something wrong?” Chifuyu who just came back asks Takemichi in a confused tone, he just waves his hand and says nothing wrong, but this time Chifuyu won’t hear Takemichi and walks to his seat and takes both of their bags.
“Nah, we are going home now, Aibou. There’s definitely something wrong with you.” He stands behind Takemichi, with two bags on his back, again letting out a sigh before standing up--smile never shown up again on Takemichi’s face, instead his face is slightly pissed off and in pain.
“I’m sorry, I slightly feel not good today, but I can go alone now… there’s no reason for you to go with me.” Takemichi grabs his bag from Chifuyu who is stunned for several seconds after seeing Takemichi’s face then walks fast out of the class, he doesn't even bid goodbye to his classmates, he then shakes his head and rushes following Takemichi leaving the whole class in confusion.
Next day, Takemichi goes to school as usual. It’s as if whatever happened yesterday never happened.
“Hanagaki can you pass me the hammer?” And usually during the Bunkasai preparation week, after school they will stay longer to get the things prepared. Takemichi then gets the hammer close to him and gives it to his friends.
“Oi, Hanagaki--can you help me with this?” Hanagaki turns to the voice source before walking there while saying ‘wait.’ Nothing changed except he didn’t meet Chifuyu yet.
No, it's not like Chifuyu is absent today, he’s attending commitery disciplinary meeting and might be late for helping. So Takemichi had no choice but to do work without Chifuyu.
Although he still feels sick like yesterday, he tried his best to cover that. This unnecessary jealousy needs to disappear.
“Hanagaki, can you get some of this from the storage?” Takemichi looks at the things and then walks out from the class, during the walk he thinks that the meeting might be already over so he decides to go there first. But when he wanted to open the door he heard some woman’s voice.
“Matsuno-kun… please go out with me!” He was stunned hearing the words. His hand was still gripping the handle and his face slowly turned blue.
Did that girl just ask Chifuyu to go out?
Like.. asking for a date? Asking to become her boyfriend?
‘Aa, I feel sick.’
He’s there for several minutes, his mind went off and he couldn’t even hear Chifuyu’s answer.
If Chifuyu accepts that. Would it mean he won't be his anymore?
Ha…?
That’s not cute…
He definitely won’t let that happen.
Chifuyu is his and only his.
“Oi Hanagaki, what takes you so long--?” One boy from Takemichi’s class approached him, because Takemichi is not yet back with the things he needs. But stopped when he looked at Takemichi who just stood in front of the Committee Disciplinary room with both hands covering his mouth and he looked far worse than yesterday. He then immediately leaves the place and it makes his classmate shocked.
“Oi, Hanagaki--?!” Chifuyu who just comes from the room is looking at the boy who called Takemichi’s name.
“Isn’t that you Yamada? Eh, Takemicchi is here?” Ask the boy, Yamada--the said boy just scratches his nape in confusion.
“Yeah, but he suddenly ran while covering his mouth--his face is even worse than yesterday--Oi, Matsuno...?!” Chifuyu, hearing that without saying anything, didn't even ask where Takemichi might run. On the way to his destination, he heard something from people who passed across him.
“Isn’t that Hanagaki from the 1st year? Wow that was the most painful vomit voice I ever heard in my life.”
“Is he just eating something like screws? Lololol.”
‘Huh?’
He fastened his walk and when arrived there, he immediately entered it and found Takemichi who’s washing his face and gargles. He doesn’t notice Chifuyu who enters the toilet. Chifuyu just stands and can’t even react. This is the first time he saw Takemichi like that.
His eyes are dead, his expression shows a huge amount of disgust.
“Disgusting woman…” Chifuyu can hear what Takemichi has said because of their distance but still can’t believe what he heard just now.
‘Is he become like this because he heard my conversation with the girl from the committee?’ Chifuyu looks thinking but then he just chooses to not think about that first and do something to his partner.
“Aibou.”
The call shocks Takemichi, his face immediately turns to a smile as he turns to Chifuyu.
“Hm? What’s wrong Chifuyu--” Chifuyu doesn’t let Takemichi finish his sentence and puts both of his hands on Takemichi’s cheeks--he looks straight at him and slightly looks angry. Takemichi becomes more confused--but later he knows why Chifuyu became like this.
“Sorry…” Takemichi looks away, avoiding eye-contact with the blonde in front of him. Chifuyu let his hands from Takemichi’s face and also looked away.
“Aibou, you don’t have to be sorry. If you still feel sick we can go home earlier again--this time I’ll definitely be with you as well.” Takemichi went silent for a while before he put a smile on his face.
“Yeah, maybe I should go home now.” He agrees with what Chifuyu said before.
“Yeah that’s the best.” Chifuyu says as he turns and walks first but then he stops right on the toilet entrance, it confuses Takemichi.
“Chifuyu?”
“If you are concerned with Nakajima’s confession, don’t worry… I declined her.” Takemichi widened his eyes as he heard the confirmation from Chifuyu but then Chifuyu looked at Takemichi with a serious face.
“I never liked that person. Also, I already have someone else that I like. Let’s go aibou--let’s go to buy something on the way.” He says as he really walks out from the toilet leaving Takemichi standing there.
“Chifuyu already has someone he loves…? Well, isn’t that obvious?” He covers his mouth again--ah, this feeling. He can feel that his chest and head hurt as well, but he just shakes his head and then walks following Chifuyu.
Aah, he feels so sick.
🔻🔻🔻
“Do you feel better now?” Chifuyu asks as he looks at Takemichi who is now laid on his lap, Takemichi looks at him, he frowns before opening his mouth.
“I don’t know.” Chifuyu raises one of his eyebrows after hearing Takemichi’s answer. The boy turned and buried his face on Chifuyu’s stomach, his hands moving around the boy’s body.
“I don’t know how to explain it but… I wonder why… it pissed me off.” Takemichi says as he presses his face more onto Chifuyu.
“Something pissed you off?” Ask Chifuyu, his hand began stroking Takemichi’s hair gently, Takemichi went silent for a while. He actually wants to say that it pissed him off when he saw Chifuyu talk with someone other than him, but he doesn’t want Chifuyu to creep out so he decided to lie.
“I don’t know… I don’t know what pisses me off.” The boy says, he closes his eyes and his hand holds Chifuyu’s body tighter.
“But, it slowly disappears now.” Chifuyu just smiled and then patted the boy’s head several times.
“Then that’s good.” He says as he still petting the boy on his lap, Takemichi didn’t say anything anymore, but in several seconds Chifuyu can feel that the boy has relaxed his hug--
Wait, this is more like.
“Is he sleeping?” he bows and tries to get close to Takemichi’s face, he can hear some soft snoozes coming out from Takemichi, he seems a lot brighter than before.
“Geez, you just make me worried.” He says and then he looks at the clock and widens his eyes.
“Crap, I still have my part time job--I need to go now or I will get angered… but this.” He looks at Takemichi who sleeps on his lap. He frowns for several seconds, he has to go to work but he doesn’t want to wake up his partner either.
After a while he decides to slowly put Takemichi’s head to the carpet first and then after that he lifts the boy’s body and puts it gently on the bed.
“He might be surprised when he wakes up to find that I’m not here anymore, but see ya tomorrow, Takemicchi.” He put his forehead on Takemichi’s and stayed for several seconds before he left the room.
“This is bad, I only have 30 minutes left. Hope I still can make it.” Chifuyu says after he says goodbye to Takemichi’s mom and rushes out from the house.
It takes several hours before Takemichi opens his eyes, rubs his eyes and looks at the empty room.
“Of course Chifuyu is already home.” He says and then he covers half of his face with one hand.
“My head still hurts, I might have slept too much.” Takemichi says as he closes his eyes and lies back to his bed.
“Hah, I’m not in the mood to eat.” He says as he looks straight to the wall, he tries to sleep again but something bugging his mind.
“I never liked that person. Also, I already have someone else that I like. Let’s go aibou--let’s go to buy something on the way.”
If that’s really true, then will someday Chifuyu leave him and will prioritize that girl?
“The fuck…” Takemichi roughly rubs his eyes when he feels that something wet comes out from it.
“...” He hugs himself and curls up like a cat, he cries in silence but he can’t hide his sobs.
Ah, he hates this.
He doesn’t want Chifuyu to become someone else’s.
He wants the boy to be his.
And he feels disgusted with that, he is disgusted at how he has become this possessive. This is just pure disgust. If Chifuyu knew how low he had become, he might hate Takemichi.
And he hates that.
Drrttt…
He then feels his phone on the bed is vibrating, he then takes them and looks at who called him.
“Chifuyu…”
Ah this is bad, if Chifuyu hears his slightly hoarse voice now, he will be worried, But if he declines the call then Chifuyu will be worried as well.
Without any choices left, Takemichi chose to get the call.
“Emm… Chifuyu?”
[“Aibou, what’s wrong with your voice? Did you just wake up?”] Ask Chifuyu, Takemichi tries to cover with some laughs and says that he just woke up.
[“Anyways I just got three tickets for the amusement park for tomorrow, it’s Saturday, right? Let's go there with Hina as well.” ] Chifuyu says excitedly, Takemichi blinks his eyes several times before saying something.
“Oh, that’s a good idea. I mean, let’s go there after school.” He said followed with giggled, but then he went silent.
Hina will also go with them?
What an nuisance--
“...”
Did he just think that Tachibana Hinata, His Girlfriend, is a nuisance?
But really, for now he just wants to be with Chifuyu. If he is able, he wants to lock Chifuyu somewhere so he only can meet him, talk with him, play with him.
He needs to stop thinking about things like that. That’s disgusting.
[“Aibou?”] Chifuyu’s call brings him back to reality. He then clears his throat and opens his mouth.
“Sorry, I got spaced out.” he says, he can hear sighs from the other side.
[“If you still need rest, then I will cut the call now.”] says Chifuyu. Takemichi thinks, and then nods, although he knows that Chifuyu can’t see that.
“Then, let’s meet tomorrow, Chifuyu.”
🔻🔻🔻
In the end, Chifuyu can’t come because of urgent business. Takemichi looked at the ticket that was given to him and Hina before he went to the pet shop.
“This will be our first date at an amusement park, won’t it?” Takemichi didn’t answer the question, Hina put a small smile and then grab Takemichi’s hand making him slightly startled but then he grabs back the girl's hand and try himself to enjoy the date
But that was the worst date that happened. The sky started to turn dark as Takemichi and Hina were standing near the main entrance.
"I'm sorry, Takemichi-kun. You shouldn't push yourself if you don't want to hangout with Hina." The girl says as she tries her best to hold her tears.
"Hina slightly can notice it. Actually you went here not because of Hina but because of Chifuyu-kun. But since he's not here you just accompanied Hina so the ticket won't be wasted." Sobs started to be heard from Hina. Takemichi didn't say anything, he neither agree or disagree with what Hina says.
"Also Hina realized… that there's no longer Hina in Takemichi-kun's eyes." She looked at Takemichi with a big smileーvery forced smile, the tears started to fall from her eyes.
"Hina loves Takemichi-kun, but Hina realizes that Takemichi-kun doesn't love Hina anymore… as much as Hina wants to stay with Takemichi-kun, Hina doesn't want to hurt you… that's why…" she paused a while
Let's end this here.
Takemichi widens his eyes, but not because of what Hina says.
He is surprised because he doesn't feel anything. He just broke up with his first girlfriend, the one that (everyone often says) he treasures so much.
He doesn't understand what they are talking about, actually. They talk about him as if they are talking about someone else.
Hina then without saying anything runs past Takemichi and he doesn’t move for a while.
Ah, what a worst day
Several hours after that, Takemichi is on a playground close to the station, nobody but him there because it’s actually raining so hard that day.
Letting himself drenched in rainwater, Takemichi just sat down on a swing while sometimes swung slowly.
“...”
He slightly lifted his eyes and his eyes met a pair of emerald eyes several meters from his position. He looks like looking for someone, and several seconds later the person runs closer to Takemichi.
“Chifuyu…” He looked weakly at the boy who now stopped before him and put the umbrella slightly covering him.
Although it’s already too late.
‘What the hell are you doing in the middle of the rain?!” Chifuyu asked in a very clear worried tone, his voice even raised a bit. Takemichi closes his eyes and says nothing.
“...with Hina.” Instead he says something that is probably too low so Chifuyu can’t hear it completely.
“Hm?”
“I broke up with Hina.” Chifuyu can’t hide his shock and without saying anything he just hugs the boy in front of him, the umbrella gets off from his hand and he started to get wet by the rain.
This is so unexpected… Did something happen during their date? but Chifuyu decided to not ask that, he knows that his partner is probably still too sad to talk about that, the best he can do is to comfort the boy.
“It’s okay Aibou… There must be a reason for Hina to do that. But don’t worry! You still have me, don’t you? I won’t leave you.” Chifuyu says as he moves his hand to rest Takemichi’s head on his chest.
Takemichi didn’t say anything, but he felt weird--why did he suddenly feel like he wanted to cry? He hugged Chifuyu back, gripped the boy’s back tightly and bit his lips hard. Tears started to compound around his azure eyes.
He didn’t feel anything when he heard the word ‘end’ from Hina. Yet why does he feel this sadness when Chifuyu comforts him?
This is weird.
This is disgusting.
“Ukkh...Chifuyu…” He couldn't hold his tears anymore and ended up cry on the boy’s chest. Chifuyu decided to just rub Takemichi’s back with his right hand while his other hand was on Takemichi’s head.
“It’s okay Aibou, it’s okay… but let’s go home okay? You’ll catch a cold.” Takemichi just nods as then they let off their hugs. Takemichi is still sobbing but his tears are instantly cleansed by the rain.
Ah he hates himself more and more.
Because he does not feel sad because of breaking up with Hina. But because he is glad that Chifuyu is worried for him. He is sad because Chifuyu is sad for him.
He is the worst.
🔻🔻🔻
It’s been a month since Takemichi and Hina broke up. He unexpectedly moved on so fast--well, he even didn’t feel anything at that time. But that doesn't mean that he will get back to his normal days.
“...”
Day by day he feels that his jealousy is worsening every day to the point that he can be mad just because Chifuyu doesn’t prioritize his message on the class chat or having conversation with other classmates, ignoring him.
The class is talking about what to do on Christmas’ Eve because they want to do something together before having their own time with their family or their loved one.
Takemichi chose to not be more involved in the chatroom, every negative thing that filled his head makes him can’t control his emotions. After roughly putting his phone on his bed, he curls up like a cat and starts to cry.
How actually he already cried just because of simply being ignored like this, he hates this. He absolutely knows that he is not Chifuyu’s most prioritized person but he wanted to be that. He grips his head with both of his hands. He can handle this pain.
This is too much.
Honestly he had enough. He tried everything to distract himself from this feeling, he even had cut himself, but later Chifuyu found out he decided to not do that again, but he did not promise.
What the fuck is this feeling, why he should have this feeling? Why can he easily cry for the most simple thing?
“Fuck.” He says as he turns himself facing his work table--he spots a paper knife on it--he remembers using them to make a Home Economics project.
“...”
He looked at the paper knife with blank eyes, with one hand still gripping his head painfully, he took the knife and a mad yet scared smile appeared from Takemichi’s face.
“I’m sorry, Chifuyu…”
He started to make some cuts on his left hand, he can see blood starting to appear from the scars. Blood drips slowly from his hand as soon as the scars increase, even when the old scars haven't really healed yet. He looks at his hand which is now covered in new fresh blood, his right hand grips his knife, his left hand also moves and with that he points it to his own neck.
Ah…
Why did he never think of this before?
The knife is still several centimeters from his neck, he gulps his saliva, he can hear his own breath, he can see his hands are shaking so hard.
Yeah, if he dies, then he can say goodbye to this shitty emotion that hurts himself and possibly can hurt Chifuyu later.
And then he stabs himself--
“Takemichi!! Chifuyu-kun is here!!” His hand stopped right on the top of his neck, it made a small scar on his neck.
“Chifuyu…” He looked at the door, and then someone knocked on it.
“Aibou! I brought some games, let’s play.” Says Chifuyu from outside the room. Takemichi didn’t show any sign to move to open the door.
“Aibou?” The call again comes, but Takemichi looks at his hand, he looks at his bed which is stained red, his own blood.
If Chifuyu sees this…
If Chifuyu sees his current condition.
“Ughh…” He covers his mouth but he can’t hold the weird feels and ended up throwing up everything inside his stomach.
Which is almost nothing but water and some potato chips.
“Aibou?? Hoi!! Takemicchi!!” Casual calls turned to shouts, as the blonde now knocked his door more aggressively.
“I’ll call the hospital--” Takemichi’s mother is running down to the first floor.
Takemichi covers his mouth, the panic that he hears outside.
He screws everything up.
He hates this.
He then hears a big sound followed by light that enters from the outside. He looks at the opened door, and Chifuyu stands there, his face is pale blue, and immediately rushes to hug Takemichi. He doesn’t even care about his belongings down on the floor.
“Takemicchi!” Takemichi couldn’t even react to the hugs, his breath is uncontrollable and can be heard by Chifuyu, which tightened his hug.
“Chifuyu…” he tried to say something but Chifuyu’s sobs stopped him from doing that.
“Sorry, Aibou… if only… if only I realized sooner.” Chifuyu closes his eyes as he hug Takemichi tightly.
Aah.
It’s not like that.
Chifuyu, it's not like that.
That’s what Takemicchi wanted to say, but it stuck inside his throat. He ended up saying nothing and several minutes after that he was sent to hospital.
🔻🔻🔻
Ever since that, Chifuyu has become slightly overprotective towards him. It’s winter break--Chifuyu and the other Mizo Gang also with Hakkai are often visiting Takemichi. They are making sure that Takemichi is never alone.
Takemichi feels happy but also angry at the same time.
He doesn’t want this. He just wants to become normal friends with Chifuyu. Play with Mizo gang, play with Hakkai just like before.
But he knows that he can’t be saved anymore. He can’t be the previous him. In the end he can’t do anything about his feelings toward Chifuyu. The urge to monopolize the blonde is still here. The jealousy when Chifuyu talks with someone else is still here.
In fact, it has become worse.
“Then see you tomorrow, Aibou!”
It’s 30th December 2008 now, Hanagaki Takemichi waves his hand to Chifuyu that today also stays until late on his house, Takemichi’s mother suggest Chifuyu to stay there tonight but Chifuyu says that there’s something that he need to do so he have to go home. In exchange, Takemichi accompanied him until Chifuyu’s apartment.
Takemichi walks back to his house. Then he stopped to think. Chifuyu often stay late because of him.
Chifuyu often neglected himself for Takemichi.
“Are you satisfied now, Hanagaki Takemichi?” He talks to himself while looking at the street lamp.
“Are you satisfied now? After making Chifuyu looks like that.” he asking himself again, and then went silent.
If only he disappeared.
If only he erased himself.
He walked again. But no one knows where he will go.
31st December 2008 00:45 A.M, Hanagaki Takemichi is confirmed missing.
🔻🔻🔻
31st December 2018, somewhere unknown.
“Hey, you better stop doing that, you fool.” a violet--pink? Haired man says to a black haired man who stabs a man brutally.
“Haruchiyo...this man being rude at Chifuyu’s pet shop, how can I let him go?” asked the black haired man. The pink haired--or what he called Haruchiyo.
“He is already dead. should I call Mikey so you will stop, Hanagaki Takemichi?” that sentence making Takemichi stopped his hand in the middle of the air. But the knife then stabbed onto the poor body’s eyes. The dead body of the poor man is unrecognizable. Haruchiyo, Sanzu Haruchiyo, takes his phone when he realizes it vibrates. He then picked it up and after several talks the call ended.
“It’s from Mikey, we're back now, Hanagaki.” says Sanzu, Takemichi just looks at the poor dead body for the last time before stomps on its face.
“Stop it, that’s dirty!!” Says Sanzu, Takemichi just ignores that and then stands up and walks following the man.
10 years before, after he went missing. He went looking for somewhere hiding from anyone else, especially from Chifuyu. He met the Haitani Brothers around Roppongi. They then remembered who the boy was during the Kanto Incident. Out of curiosity about how a bright boy like him would turn out like this, they brought Takemichi to their place and then several times later he joined the organization Haitani Brothers in.
It was Bonten, which was founded by Sano Manjirou.
The blonde was surprised at first, of course, because he wanted Takemichi to be happy. Just like everyone else, but after Takemichi says that he can’t be happy anymore, Mikey accepts him as a member of Bonten.
Kakucho can’t hide his surprises, he then held Takemichi’s hand and asked why he could become like this. Sanzu, who was there as well, still remembered Takemichi’s answer.
“Love, heh… that’s scary.”
He was crazily in love with Matsuno Chifuyu, but the love was too destructive and it can destroy both of the boys.
“But at least he still the stupid kind heart boy I know.” Sanzu says as he looks at Takemichi who is looking at Chifuyu’s picture on his phone. They are now on their way to Bonten’s headquarters.
“Because he held on to himself. He knew that his love would break Chifuyu… so he chose to step out from Chifuyu’s life and become the only one who is broken.” He closed his eyes and let out a sigh.
“Truly a kind man.”
“Sanzu… are you saying something?” He snorted indignantly.
“Nope! Just back staring at your loved one, can’t you?!” says Sanzu, Takemichi just says ‘yes yes’ and continues to do his work.
But then he closes his phone and just sleeps on the backseat. Sanzu just looked at the man before taking off his outer suit and putting it on Takemichi, without saying anything.
“Really… Chifuyu doesn’t deserve someone like you.” and mutters before he takes his phone and looks at it.