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The world had never been super kind to Yoongi. It had never been horrific, either. His childhood wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t great. He grew up poor, but not in poverty. His grades were decent, but not enough to get him scholarships. His college time was successful, but not exemplary. And his job now was good – he enjoyed it – but he still longed for upward movement.
There was only one area in his life where the world was extremely kind, kinder than Yoongi figured he’d ever deserve. Hoseok had come into Yoongi’s life in his Sophomore year of college. He was an absolute sunshine according to all of Yoongi’s friends. And he was. Bright and loud and happy, his extroversion was almost enough to send Yoongi running for the hills. But for all of Hoseok’s noise… There was another side. A side Yoongi saw only rarely at first, after a long party or when Hoseok wasn’t feeling well. Once or twice when finals got them all wound up. A quiet, gentle side that was so soothing to Yoongi. It let Yoongi see past the natural overstimulation that Hoseok offered and into his real heart. His thoughtfulness, his caring, his intelligence. And – despite Yoongi’s resistance – he found himself falling in love with Hoseok. The extroverted side of Hoseok became like a battery for Yoongi’s introversion, dragging him up and out when he’d normally hide away. Hoseok kept him tied together and stable, his anchor and his wings.
College finished, but their relationship only grew stronger. They were a perfect match. The epitome of opposites attract, bringing each other to a new place that neither could have managed alone. Yes, Yoongi figured he’d lucked out somehow. That all the mediocrity that life gave him finally paid off, he’d finally – somehow – gotten the prize, his prize, the gem in his life. But, the world showed just how horrific it could be as well. How easily it could give so much… And tear so much away in an instant.
It was a normal, grey late November day. The first week of snow had fallen, and roads had been quite icy, so Hoseok opted to walk to his work, the local dance studio just half a mile from where their apartment was. If only others had had the same mindset. Apparently, according to the police report, the car had attempted to stop, but the ice was worse than they thought, and they slid. Hoseok, unfortunately, did not see them begin to slide, and was struck as he crossed at the crosswalk. The doctors operated for hours – attempting to fix the damaged organs and mend the tears, but they eventually had to admit, he was gone. And with him, so was the light in Yoongi’s life.
At first Yoongi was numb. He wasn’t sure that he wasn’t having the worst nightmare in the world. But as time passed, the numbness turned to rage, then to sorrow and emptiness. That empty feeling remained through the rest of November and the beginning of December. The tree that Hoseok had insisted on putting up as soon as November 15th hit mocked him. Presents were already lying under it, one for each of their friends. Hoseok had always been unbearably wild about Christmas and gift giving. Yoongi had never understood it… Yoongi missed it so desperately.
On Christmas Eve, Yoongi gathered up the gifts for their friends and dropped them off at Namjoon’s house. Every year they got together, exchanged gifts, laughed and had a small dinner before they separated on Christmas day to spend time with their biological families. Despite Namjoon’s urging, Yoongi declined the invitation. He couldn’t be around them, couldn’t be around such happiness…. Not so soon after…
Once back home, Yoongi sat on the couch, staring at the beautifully decorated Christmas tree. Memories – images, scenes, smells, sounds – they came seeping back into his grey mind, Hoseok’s bright light blinding him and making his heart ache. He had intended to tear down the tree. Lock it in a box and hide away in the guest room until the New Year… He hadn’t been able to sleep in their bedroom since the accident.
A single present was still under the tree though. Taunting him. It was wrapped in beautiful black and silver paper, decorated with the most garish, neon yellow bow Yoongi had ever seen. He knew there would be a card as well, hidden in his stocking hanging nearby. Hoseok had bought it for him five years prior – a deep black one with a little white kitten wearing a Santa hat embroidered on it. Hoseok’s hung next to it – a rich red with a fluffy top, dotted with rainbows and flowers and bright little gifts… Yoongi had found it for Hoseok. They’d laughed for nearly twenty minutes when they opened them.
Yoongi thought about not opening it. He could tuck it away in a box that he’d been gathering slowly of Hoseok’s belongings. Hide it away like the tree, open it when the wound wasn’t so fresh, maybe. Maybe never. But Hoseok’s face swam to the front of his mind when he considered it. He wouldn’t have wanted it to go unopened. Hoseok spent months – sometimes a whole year – planning what presents to buy his friends. He was always so thoughtful with them. Never something they “needed”, or even something they knew they wanted, but something perfect. Beyond both need and want. It wasn’t fair to Hoseok to hide his last gift away.
Yoongi went over to the tree and crouched, picking up the box. Then the stocking – sure enough. An envelope in the same garish yellow; Yoongi surely would have teased Hoseok for it this evening before kissing him in quiet thanks, among the jeers and laughter of their friends.
“It’s hideous,” Yoongi whispered into the silence, his voice shaking as he spoke. “Thank you…”
“You haven’t even opened it yet, you grump. The card first… You know the rules.”
“I know, I know,” Yoongi whispered. Hoseok’s voice in his ear, the ghost of a memory first warm… Then ice cold. He settled onto the floor, looking first around the empty, darkened room, lit only by the lights circling the tree. The envelope opened easily, and inside was a beautiful card: some old-fashioned looking Christmas scene complete with a horse-drawn carriage and snow. Inside, much to Yoongi’s surprise, was a long piece of handwriting, rather than the quick “I love you, Merry Christmas” that he was used to from Hoseok. A lump formed in Yoongi’s throat when he saw the unique writing that he’d come to love. It only grew as he began to read.
‘Yoongi…
How many years has it been since we first met? We could barely stand one another at first, you remember? How things changed… How difficult we find it to be apart now – the sun and the moon… The dark and the light. We’re polar opposites, yet we fit together – yin and yang, as many would say I suppose. You know I’ve never been great at expressing myself in spoken word… How often have I stuttered through an apology after a fight, or a speech for friends? Even speaking in the few shared classes, how you remember me stumbling over words that I had memorized for days beforehand. I knew that I needed to wit this down… To get out everything that needed to be said, so I wouldn’t miss a single thing.
So many years. So many fights and makeups, so much laughter and many, many tears. Spring mornings spent in the kitchen sipping coffee too strong for good taste, the warm summer days walking through the park, the autumn evenings spent picking apples and falling in leaf piles like children, the cold winter evenings spent under our covers, the stars shining as we kept one another warm in the most intimate of ways.
I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Yoongi. I knew it early on, but I know how you are. Cautious, calculating, always looking before you leap. I think we’ve looked long enough, don’t you? The fall isn’t far… And it seems to be a soft landing. So here’s me leaping. And I know you’ll scold me tonight as we lay in bed, for putting you on the spot, doing this in front of all of our friends. But this was the only way that I knew I wouldn’t lose the nerve. Wouldn’t take one more year to look, just in case. So here I go, leaping… I hope that you have my hand as I do, that we will leap together. Go on, open your present now.’
Yoongi’s hands shook as he set the card down and picked up the box. He realized it was a gift box, held together with only a simple piece of tape. Still, it took him three tries to peel the tape off. He pulled off the top of the box, and the lump in his throat seemed to swell to the size of his heart, shattering painfully and ripping a sob from his mouth. His vision blurred. Inside the box was a beautiful ring. A simple band of silver and gold, shining in the multicolored lights. He could almost hear the sounds of his friends as they would have cooed. Written on the piece of cardboard and foam holding the ring upright were two simple words… ‘Marry me?’
***
The air was bitter cold, stealing the breath from Yoongi’s lungs despite his warm jacket. He tugged his gloves off to allow himself more mobility as he crouched, replacing the flowers kept in the small vase next to the beautiful marbled headstone. He sat down, grimacing at the cold, frozen earth under his ass, but grateful for there being minimal snow in this area.
“I’m afraid to start crying,” Yoongi huffed grumpily, sniffling. “So cold I’ll get frostbite on my cheeks, then how would you feel?”
He paused, as if awaiting a response that he knew would never come.
“I opened your present… I did the card first, just like you always scold me to. That yellow gave me spots that are still there, I swear.” He laughed softly, sighing after. “You always pick the ugliest colors.”
The silence stretched longer this time. Yoongi reached out, tracing Hoseok’s name on the stone.
“I know you said that you weren’t good with words. Maybe it’s part of why we get along so well, and communicate so easily without speaking. It annoys our friends, you know… The way I can tell what you’re thinking with just a look. But you’re great at written word… You always have been.” He dug in the pocket of his coat, pulling out a piece of folded paper and the small gift box that the ring was contained in. He set the ring in front of Hoseok’s grave stone and opened the paper. Swallowing hard, Yoongi began to read.
“The cold winter’s morning chilling to the bone, as grey and stone-like as the marbled stone.
But there’s a soft light far to the East, a promise of warmth and peace.
That’s the light you brought to my life, the beauty amidst the unending strife.
And now, though you’ve gone from my world; the petals on your memorial flowers have curled,
There’s a whisper still that echoes in my heart, your voice, your laugh, that won’t depart.
You told me that we’re dark and light, polar opposites, like day and night,
But opposites attract in all-natural laws, and even the day and night take pause,
They greet one another in dusk and dawn, a sharing of space before the other is gone.
Perhaps that’s our story – the sun and the moon, a passage of bodies, disappearing too soon.
My life before you was as dark as the night, lit only by my own pale moonlight.
And then you arrived, brightening my days and oh how we thrived.
But the dusk is only a moment in time, before the sun passes on and the moon must climb.
This is the night that swallows the sun, but dusk will be dawn and the darkness will run.
As sure as the dawn will light up the sky, I know that this won’t be a forever good-bye.
It was said once by a man grieving too, a beautiful stanza that here still rings true.
I hold it true whatever befall; I feel it when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
There’s a hole in my heart that only you can fill; I missed you before and I’ll miss you still.
But I wouldn’t trade a day of our past, not one single second – right up to the last.
You asked me to marry you under the tree, a question I couldn’t answer alone, you see.
You deserve an answer as beautiful as you; I’m here in your resting place, I know what to do.”
Yoongi let the paper fall, blinking the tears from his eyes and shaking his head to clear it. He picked up the ring box and opened it. Inside was the ring that Hoseok had gifted him. Yoongi took it out, holding it up for a moment to admire the beauty of it.
“The answer is yes, from the first time we met, our future was sealed and our fate was set.”
Yoongi slipped the ring onto his left hand, the weight feeling strange, but comfortable. He picked up the paper and folded it back into his pocket.
“I know you’d be laughing at me right now,” he whispered, “if you’d heard my attempt at an elegy… Rhyming was never my strong suit. But it is true… I wish I’d been able to give you the answer to your face, Hobi… But wherever you are… It’s yes.”