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Sunoo stared at the phone that rested across from him on his bed. He almost wanted to just pretend that the bright screen, open to the comments on his last SNS post, didn’t exist. He had always found his way to the hate comments directed at him, but something rang differently this time.
[55. 53] sun00 let himself go too much he’s way to ugly for the others
[49. 06] boy thinks he’s a visual, he’s nothing but a dead weight kekeke
[07. 29] nothing about him is admirable or talented he shouldn’t have made it to debut
Maybe it was because of what he heard between managers during passing conversations about his apparent “weight gain”. Maybe it was him being set off to the side while the members continued to work hard at the choreography because he couldn't keep up. Maybe it was the producer, claiming his vocal quality had “diminished” since the last album, and that he would need to work with more vigor if he wanted to continue as an idol. Maybe it was the stress of schedules, of slowly losing energy and no longer being the sunshine people expected, of critical eyes watching his every move ー and in turn his every mistake.
When the words loaded onto his screen, it felt as though anything he would say is commendable about him had been reduced to ash and laid to rest with the sediment. And at that moment, ash had been what the boy had seen himself as: something burnt to a crisp, reduced to fine particles without a purpose.
“Hyung.” Sunoo was alerted to the presence of their cat-eyed leader opening the door to their bedroom. “We were going to eat some tteokbokki that Jay hyung made. Hurry and come.”
Sunoo looked at the boy, not just in his face and appearance, but as a whole. Calm and easily approachable, Jungwon was an image of perfection in his eyes. Yes, although he was their leader, the boy was still the second youngest, and occasionally acted childish from time to time; but that was not a flaw, but something to just add to his perfection. ー In fact, each of the members was without flaws. What was a negative trait to others was just a part of their flawless existence.
Sunoo could never say the same about himself, unable to meet the expectations of everyone who deserved better than what he had delivered.
So, if he wants to do so, he needs to take this into his own hands.
He returned his gaze to the boy standing by his bed, still waiting for a response.
“Mm, I’m not feeling too hungry, I think I was just going to sleep early.”
Taken slightly aback, Jungwon returned the offer once more. “Are you sure? I think he used the brand that you like.”
“No, I’m good, but thanks.” Sunoo took one more glance at the boy, and gently raised his mouth into a smile, showing that the leader had no reason to worry, and slowly tucked himself under the blanket.
Jungwon looked at the mass of Sunoo under the duvet with a slight feeling of confusion and concern, but putting his faith into his hyung, he quietly left the room to join the rest of the group. Like him, the five remaining boys felt a sense of uncharacteristic behavior coming from their resident food lover, but they trusted the boy. He knew what he was doing. Didn’t he?
º
It started simply with a plan: Simultaneously tackle each and every negative point about himself to reach the perfection that his members had already achieved.
Each time he entered the company, he almost injected himself with a mental shot of energy and worked on the complicated dances until his pain was on the verge of long-term damage. If he wasn’t improving in choreography, found himself in the solo practice room, running lyrics again and again and again, until his throat felt raspy. His meal times were starkly decreased, as did his meal portions. Dinners that were once spent with the members were now spent alone with no food in sight.
It wasn’t like it went unnoticed. No matter how much they trusted the boy, they worried for his health if he continued to push himself to such a dangerous point. But each time they raised their concern, Sunoo brought out all the happy pill energy he could muster and reassured the members that nothing was going wrong. Because nothing was going wrong, right?
To Sunoo, he had finally found the key to reaching the goal he longed for. His weight decreased by 5 kgs, which was a welcome gift to the staff, and the dance and vocal teachers commended him on his sudden improvement in their fields.
And to anyone who claimed he was losing his sunshine energy, he went out of his way to make sure his bright image wasn’t being questioned.
It felt as though the perfection he was looking for was finally in sight.
Until it wasn’t.
Until sat on his bed and opened the comment section again, this time to his newest post.
And the comments hadn’t changed.
It was as if the compliments - the rewards - he’d received from others had vanished in a second.
Nothing had differed from that night on his bed.
All the pain he had endured, and he learned about the futility of his efforts.
All that progress, and he didn’t make a dent.
This time, he couldn’t even pay any attention to the kind words sent towards the young idol. He only immortalized the reality in his stupid mind: “Near your goal? Now that’s something to laugh at. Don’t even try to flatter yourself. You have made no progress, so don’t act like you deserve anything.”
Slowly, his hands put the phone out of sight and covered the blanket over his head. His thoughts clouded his vision, closing himself from the rest of the dorms, and two figures slumped over their living room table, consulting about the boy’s condition. It’s not like he could even hear Sunghoon and Heeseung anywaysー the door to their room was closed.
“Something is absolutely wrong here.” The older of the two whispered first.
“Oh really? I didn't notice.” The snarky comment was met with a glare.
“Sorry, I just- I can’t figure out what to do. I should know what to do- I just can’t-”
“Hey, this isn’t something we just- know. It’s something we need to find out. Together.”
The next moment, they found themselves engrossed in a text conversation between the members, minus Sunoo.
_____________________________________
20:43
HEESEUNG
i think it’s getting too far now.
JAY
hyung you’re right, no one disagrees with you. but we can’t do anything without sunoo telling us
SUNGHOON
So what do you want us to do? Just sit around and wait for him to crumble past the point of no return?
JAY
that’s not what i meant im just saying conjecture about his issues won’t get us anywhere esp because sunoo won’t tell us what’s going on right now anyways
JUNGWON
Im with jay hyung on this, how can we figure out what sunoo hyung’s going through if we have no way of figuring out the problems hes thinking about?
JAKE
We can still try to talk to him! Sunoo won’t just bottle it up forever. If he’s struggling, maybe all we can do is just provide encouragement from the side?
HEESEUNG
And force him to continue to deal with it on his own? without us to even provide any sort of solution to what he’s going through? Yeah no, im not standing on the sidelines
JUNGWON
hey hyungs calm down a bit, we just need to take time to completely solve this, so that we can figure out what we need to do
SUNGHOON
Jungwon we don’t have time, we have to do this now. And if you guys can’t see that then i’d rather just do it on my own
JAKE
Heyー no one ever said that. We’ll all just want to help him, but if we argue nothing is gonna get done and Sunoo will still be in pain.
NIKI
look at this
_____________________________________
The youngest member’s sudden arrival in the conversation was jarring, but in a way, it reduced some of the tension of the dispute. That, and photos that replaced the conversation with screenshots of some comments left under numerous Sunoo posts on their SNS. However, their energy towards each other quickly molded into a spirit of anger towards their “fans,” their “precious Engenes” who left such pain-bearing comments. Words that they wouldn’t wish on their worst enemy, were being wished on a member they held dear. And all this time, they were none the wiser.
Collectively, they breathed a sigh of disappointment, not with Sunoo or with the fans, but themselves. A simple search was the answer to their problems and no one thought to do so. One minute passes. A new text glowed below the photo:
_____________________________________
JUNGWON
Group meeting when everyone gets home, i called the manager for everyone at the company, we’ll meet by the van in 10 minutes to go, heeseung hyung, sunghoon hyung, can you wake up sunoo hyung
HEESEUNG
Yeah, we’ll prep some ramen and stuff before you get here
_____________________________________
And with that, the members had a plan in place. This issue is being solved tonight. Without any question.
Heeseung got up quickly, moving to the kitchen to grab a ramen packet from the pantry, choosing a brand Sunoo had preferred. Granted, he did all this without making a single noise, not as a means to be quiet, but more to continue to wrap with everything in his head. Sunghoon had taken a bit longer before getting himself up. He envisioned the car ride back to the dorms, seeing his other four members sitting in silence, with their manager situated awkwardly in the driver’s seat, attempting to discern the root of their aura they were emitting.
Sunghoon finally stood up, making his way to the four-way room. Opening the door, he let out a breath after hearing the small snores coming from the boy wrapped in the comforter. Slowly, he made his way past some clothes he almost tripped over that was definitely left by him that previous day, hearing Jungwon complain as he stumbled into bed behind him. Hovering over Sunoo’s bed, he watches as the boy sleeps, being able to forget the problems he had to face for a large portion of time, being lured into a daze that took him past when the other members left the company. He noted the small shadows of water near his head, most likely the result of silent tears he cried.
His figure was compact, folding into himself as if he were trying to protect himself from others. Not anymore, flickered in Sunghoon’s mind before outstretching his arm to the boy’s head. Running his hand through Sunoo’s hair, he took his thumb and wiped at the hints of moisture around his eyes. At that moment, he finally called out:
“Sunoo baby? Wake up.”
The boy flinched, albeit in a small manor. Just a simple nudge of his head, responding to his hyung without words. Not that he actually woke up. Sunghoon’s warm voice played again.
“Ddeonu my love, you need to get up.” Stirring, which was a good sign.
“Ddeonu~ wakey up~” His eyes squeezed together, and slowly opened themselves.
“Morning hyung~” Sunghoon felt that despite the unnatural happiness that exuded from Sunoo over the past month, this was the most genuine he’d given him.
“Still evening baby. C’mon, get up.” Sunghoon said the words as he heard the keypad being entered correctly and the steps of four members as they finagled their shoes off to properly place them at the door. Sunoo obeyed, still slightly dazed from just waking up. Sunghoon weaved his hand into the younger’s and guided him off his bed and towards the door to their hallway. The smell of mildly spicy ramen caught their noses, as their eyes laid upon Jake, the first to take off his winter coat and hang it up.
“Sunoo! Hey bud, enjoy your nap?” The Australian asked innocently enough.
“Mm, I mean it was fine? Nothing too particular.” The smaller retorted. Sunghoon saw something of relief display itself on Jake’s face. Did he think Sunoo had a nightmare? He only laughed about the concern in his head; it was so aligned with Jake to be worried about that first and foremost. Reaching his hand over to pat the younger, he walked past the duo, only to turn around behind them as they kept walking towards the kitchen.
Sunghoon continued guiding Sunoo around, but as the younger stepped in to find a whole kitchen filled with members all staring at him, plus ramen in seven bowls, he felt the first tug at his sleeve.
“Oh I uh, I just- I had something to eat earlier so I’m not that-”
“No, you didn’t.” Heeseung tone wasn’t as harsh as it may appear at first; warm and mature, like he usually talked. “We’ve been with you all day, and you haven’t even touched so much as an almond, let alone anything supplementary for a meal. Come, sit.” Heeseung gestured at a chair between Jay and Niki, across directly from Jungwon. Quickly, everyone else found their way to the table. As they begun to eat, nothing was noticeable enough but the silence that loomed over the table, and the fact that Sunoo had yet to pick up his chopsticks.
Jay piped in quickly. “Don’t worry Sunoo, there’s more than enough for everyone, just eat as much as you want.”
That wasn’t the problem, but if he was going to keep up this facade, it was a requirement of him. He slowly picked up the chopsticks and maneuvered them towards the bowl of noodles. It made contact with the contents, attempting to grab the noodles, watching as they slipped down off his utensil. He tried again, and it fell off again. Something- he couldn’t identify at that moment but something like fear just set in, but it was nothing normal. The phrases you can’t do it, you are a failure, you are unworthy, and similar sentences met with the boy’s brain. He can’t handle it anymore. He just wants to shrivel and become one with his bed.
“How long did you think it was going to take us to figure it out?” Niki’s voice shot through the silence, garnering looks from the rest of the members, but nothing like Sunoo’s.
Tension built in Sunoo’s shoulders. “Riki, what are you-”
“If you try to bottle it up I swear I don’t know what to do because you’re trying to go through this alone and I don’t want you to leave and leave us and-”
“Riki, stop. I don’t understand what you’re saying. You switched on me.” Unnoticed by the maknae, he had reverted to his mother tongue by accident. Maybe it wasn’t the worst thing, who knows what he would’ve said if Sunoo had actually understood him.
“We know what’s going on, so just tell us.”
His voice rippled in the room. None of them dared to move an inch, waiting for something to happen, someone to speak, just to lighten the climaxed tension.
“You weren’t supposed to know.”
Sunoo’s voice now settled, not in the room, but rather, in the other’s minds. They watched, as the last word came out of his mouth, and a wet, thin stream poured out of his eye.
Comfort. That’s all you could hear. Just the sound of calming sentences spoken by the members in order to provide some sort of comfort to the boy. Those who sat next to him scooted closer, while those across the table quickly moved behind the boy, maintaining some physical contact to provide physical support. The speaking was enough to throw Sunoo over the edge, now allowing his mind to completely go numb as he let out all of his emotions. He didn’t wail, but his sobs and shaky breaths held a weight to them.
After maybe a minute or two ー or what felt like half an hour in Sunoo’s mind ー the sentences had quieted down, as did his crying. Jay was the first to speak.
“Sunoo, what weren’t we supposed to know?”
“Huh?”
“Before this, you mentioned that we ‘weren’t supposed to know’ something. What exactly was it?”
Sunoo fidgeted a bit, not immediately willing to say anything, until he felt the warm hand of Heeseung laying onto his own, lightly gripping onto his. That allowed him to take a breath, before laying down the truth.
“W-when I saw those comments, I… I thought that if you were to see it, you’d realize that I wasn’t deserving to be here, especially with what everyone else had been saying as well. I thought you’d realize that having me around was nothing more than a burden, and you’d want me out. So, I-” He paused and took a slow breath. “I thought I could just fix all the problems on my own, to solve my issues and be allowed to stay in the group, and it was working…
But then, when I had finally gotten some praise, the Engenes had not changed in their comments, and, I just realized the problem wasn’t my skills, but just me… That’s what I realized tonight. So, if you can, please just say the same so I can prove that they are right all along. That’s the last thing I want to ask you for.”
Silence, then Sunghoon.
“We don’t want to give it to you.”
Sunoo, without realizing it had lowered in the first place, raised his head to meet Sunghoon.
“Sorry, Sunoo, but we are unable to prove them right. Because they are wrong. They know nothing about you and how talented and deserving you are to be here.”
Then Jay.
“Sunoo, you are the brightest person I know, but are also one of the most hardworking. You never disappoint when I see you, Please don’t think you shouldn’t be here.”
Then Jungwon.
“Hyung, I can’t even begin to picture life without you, because it wouldn’t be worth the life we have now. You have helped me so much in the past, and now I want to return it to you. We will continue together, now until forever.”
Then Heeseung.
“We are a big mosh of darkness, but you are consistently an unfaltering light that we look towards. We truly appreciate and are inspired by how you prove your strength. I can’t believe I have the honor to work and live and laugh with you, and I don’t want to lose it.”
Then Jake.
“We have been together since who knows when. But you were the one who made me wait, and be able to confidently stride forward, and work harder to achieve our dreams together. If you think I’ll let you leave me to achieve it alone, you are far more than wrong.”
Then Niki.
“Hyung, our bond has been formed ever since the beginning of this - our - family. We all struggle but we are also all there to help each other. I want to help you through this. We all do. Please, let us help you.”
And then Sunoo could not hold back anything. His tears held weight, but slowly, the weight dissipated and joy could be heard through the sobs that turned into slightly pained laughs. Laughs that came from the inside of his heart. Laughs that the rest hadn’t heard in a long time.
Quietly, a small voice, tinged with a slight crackle, spoke.
“Thank you… for everything.”
And all they could do was hold him closer to them, leaving no space or pockets of air. He won’t ever feel that way again. Not if they had anything to say.