Chapter Text
The knocks on the door sent an awful feeling to Harry’s stomach. They were light, but too light to be heard. The sound of knuckles meeting the wood stopped as he stood up from the window seat, his favourite place to sit. Walking over to the door, the thoughts filled his head. There wasn’t a wide selection of who it could be. One out of the four was stood on the other side of that door.
What he wanted the most he wasn’t sure of. To say that he would have a problem with any of them would be to exaggerate. He loved them all so much, but there was definitely some of them he’d rather arrive when there already was another one here. Thinking about it, Niall would probably be easiest. They had at least talked a bit privately too. not needing to feel the pining of an awkward silence, where both of them were trying to find something to say would be a nice first person to arrive. He was the brother he never got. He was sure Niall had been more in Harry’s house then his own through his childhood. Nothing would ever be able to break that friendship. Harry was sure not even the last few years was going to make any difference from how they once were.
Liam, he was so sorted out. he had always been. He was the dad of the group. Making things easy was his job, so he felt okay with that too. He doesn’t know what he’d do if it was Zayn who was stood there when he’d open the door, but he’s not even going to worry about that because he couldn’t remember the last time Zayn had ever been on time, and if he was it would be because he came with one of the others, so that wouldn’t be a problem.
He had gone through hundreds of different scenarios of what could happen depending on who showed up first. Didn’t really help at all, made him more stressed. But this was what he always did. Overthinking was his speciality.
Opening the door his heart beats got quicker. This whole thing was scary to him. bringing back this part of his life. That he really never had wanted to lose, but in some way he managed. There was no doubt that his life was better with them. but there was this fear that he’d travelled straight back to all the other memories form that time. That was the part that made him terrified.
“Hey, Harry!” The voice was so similar. So excited, but light and calm.
“Louis,” he said in an unexpected kind of sob. Louis brought him into a hug, and it was done. “Hey,” he said into the hook of Louis’ neck. Louis’ arms were wrapped around his torso under his arms and up to his shoulder blades. A shiver went through Harry’s whole body when he heard Louis whisper very quiet, like no one were supposed to hear. It was a very quiet extra ‘Hey.’ Louis’ breath was warm against his neck. Standing out from the rest of Louis’ cold face. The hug lasted long enough for it to be a bit awkward when they broke it.
A mix of many feelings started building up, but it all disappeared when Louis voice could be heard again. “Nice to see you again, mate.” It calmed him down to hear his voice. raspy as always, nothing about it changed.
Louis was there. He was not prepared for that. It was so weird to see him. he can remember that last time he saw him. At the funeral. His parents’ funeral. He had been in a black tight-fitting suit. And his hair loosely hanging down over half of his forehead cheekbones nicely defined by the sun that was shining down on them that day. Not fitting for the mood at all. But what could they do about the weather? Absolutely nothing. But Harry’s favourite part was the ocean blue eyes. Even with the grieving look in them, that he had given to Harry every time their gazes met, he had been met with the blue pairs of eyes piercing through his soul. Taking away everything else in his mind just for a few seconds. they were the most beautiful thing Harry could think of. Louis was by Harry’s side that entire day. Held his hand for most of the time when they were sat down. Little did Harry know it was going to be the last time they spoke in a long time.
“Please come in. Wouldn’t want anyone to get ill the first day,” he said in a light voice and helped Louis in with his suitcases. One of them were the same as the one he had back then, he had brought it everywhere. And it seemed as he still did that, He didn’t know why he was surprised to see a familiar name tag. But already a bunch of memories found it’s place in Harry’s head. It was his smiley right there, drawn ten years ago. He looked at it, trying not to make it too obvious how happy it made him. Two x-es and a line making the smile right under, right after Louis’ handwriting writing out “Louis.” It was right there.
“You kept that I see,” he says whit a soft smile towards Louis.
Louis looked at him. His smile soft while he said, “Couldn’t throw it away, that would be a shame.”
They stopped in the entrance for Louis to take off his shoes and his jacket. When he looked up, his eyes travelled over the open space. And he walked forwards out to the living room. It was a very open house. From where Louis was stood you were by the dining table and two seating groups, and the kitchen was right by his side. You could also see halfway up the stairs.
“Still the same,” he said silently.
“Still the same,” Harry repeated.
The place was calm and quiet. Louis and him fitted so well in. Harry knew that Louis always was calmer when it was just them. He’d always appreciated that. It made him feel like Louis appreciated their moments and the time they spent together more. Harry had always wondered why he was like that. Why when Louis always looked at him it felt like he was the only thing that mattered. When Harry would tell him things and he would be so quiet so he could get every single detail.
Louis was the first person who showed him what love was. showed him what a friendship with so much love could be, and why it was so important. Back then in the start Harry never thought about Louis in a romantic way. Until one day when him and Louis were cleaning after the other lads had gone home that day. And Harry was knackered. Not having a great day. Louis made him some tea and offered to clean the rest for him so he could go to sleep. He looked at Louis and felt the love so much. So much stronger than before. Obviously, that wasn’t what made him fall in love, but something just clicked. He loved how Louis took care of him.
They ended up in the kitchen so Harry could make them some tea. He always made them tea.
“So, how are you doing?” Louis looked over at him from where he was sat on the kitchen counter. He was always sat like that, watching Harry make tea.
Harry turned to grab two teabags and then back again to meet Louis’ eyes. “I’m getting there, you know. Right now, better than I have been in a long time, but my sleeping is not going well.”
“Oh, how come? There anything specific?”
“Nah. Not really. Not that I know of,” he lied. He hadn’t slept well since Louis moved out. he wasn’t sure if he just didn’t like to sleep alone, or if it was more specific than that. he’d rather not think about it.
He put the teabags in the two cups and grabbed the sugar. He walked past Louis to get the milk from the fridge. He could feel Louis’ eyes following him the whole time. He convinced himself that it didn’t stress him. that that wasn’t the reason for the butterflies in his stomach right at that moment. “How do you want the tea?”
“Tea with no sugar is the-”
“-the ONLY way, yes of course, I should’ve known.” before he could finish Harry did it for him.
Louis let out a small laugh while he added, “I would like some milk though.”
Harry finished the cups of tea and handed one of them to Louis. He jumped onto the counter across from Louis. Watching him drink his tea the exact same way as 10 years ago was a feeling he’s never felt before. It brought back so many memories.
“So,” Louis started, “what do you think of this whole thing that Niall came up with for our 10 years?”
Harry had been thinking about it quite a bit. 10 years of them being a friend group. He did agree that it was something to celebrate. Or maybe not. It was confusing. Harry didn’t know if all of them would consider each other friends anymore. He wasn’t sure what to think about their kind of split up. They had ended up spread all out to various places in the US. And Louis even back to England. Harry was fairly sure at least. It was weird to think about them all together again. The guys had all changed, but it wasn’t a weird thing that they had agreed to meet up, he told himself.
It seemed so normal when they were chatting in the group chat, and they were all up for it. The group chap had also been quite active for a long time. It was just that they never saw each other. Probably a part of what made it so normal was Niall. He always made things that were awkward, not awkward.
“I don’t know really, it’s weird,” he said in all honesty. “I hope we all get along and that it doesn’t get awkward, you know, its three whole weeks we are going to be here for.”
“Three whole weeks, we ended up going with?” he said in kind of a question, and Harry nodded slowly. The original plan was one week, but Niall wanted a month. Which Zayn had told him clearly that didn’t go, right before Christmas times. Louis seemed to be thinking about it, “but yeah, it shouldn’t really be a reason for it to not go well. At least I don’t have anything against it, but again, I feel like something just got weird when it all just slowly stopped.”
Harry knew that Louis always used worry more than he liked to show. He always wanted to seem like he had no worries and didn’t care. But Harry knew he did. Right now, he seemed to be calm. He was leaning backwards with his hands behind him on the counter. His leg wasn’t shaking, so Harry assumed he was comfortable in his company. Hoped he was.
He nodded in agreement, to what Louis had said. He could feel the tension loosen up a bit. He happy he was able to have a normal conversation with Louis so far. He was wondering what Niall had planned for the three weeks.
“Niall probably has loads of things he wants us to do,” Louis said, as if he was reading Harry mind. “Probably games form when we were young.”
Harry laughed thinking about how excited Niall would be. “Yeah, at least he won’t bring us to swim in the lake, considering that it’s like 2 meters of snow outside.”
“Yeah, no he won’t bring us to the lake, he will probably make us jump from the roof in just our boxers.” They were laughing more now. “He called me up right before he got on the plane earlier. Over the top exited to see you, and of course the rest of us. Typical Niall.”
Louis looked at him and became more serious. “Hey, I am really happy to be back, it’s been hard without my second half, you know.”
“It’s so good to have you back too, Louis. I’ve missed you too”. They were just looking at each other, remembering all the memories. And then it turned into a comfortable silence.
When Louis sat down his cup after the last sip Harry asked, “do you want to choose a room now? Better do it before Niall comes and occupies them all.” They laughed a bit, both remembering Niall always being all over the place. He was always the one to come up with things to do. And make the other boys do things way out of their comfort zone.
“Yeah, should do that maybe. Which one are you staying in?”
“My room is the one I’ve always had, upstairs. I also made the office a bedroom because I didn’t need it so now there is two rooms up there, and you know the rest”. He looked at Louis, hoping that he would choose the one besides him.
The renovation had been his thing. to get over everything that had happened. that was his project the whole of 2016. After the rough start all about his parents, and the confusion around the boys, he needed something to do. He had made it pretty like his own. The same chair, the same windows, the closest he could find to his bed. The only thing he had made different intentionally was the colour of the walls. three of them white, and the last one, the one where the bed was, that one was covered in a light blue paint. You could call it baby blue. He would never admit it. but while in that store looking at paint colours, the second he came up on that light shade of blue he was met with Louis’ eyes. And that was when he stopped looking. Funnily enough the name of it was “Louis blue” There was no question, and he wouldn’t deny it, that he painted a wall in his house the colour of Louis’ eyes.
“Oh, okay.”
“What?”
“Oh, no, it’s nothing.” Louis just smiled and jumped off the counter.
“Um, yeah it is,” Harry chuckled.
“Well, I just for some reason thought that you would maybe move down here the second you got the chance. It much closer to everything in this house, compared to up there.” what Louis said made sense. It did.
“I’ve got my reasons,” Harry said not wanting to say the truth. He could come up with loads of untrue reasons, but nothing came to his mind in that moment. It was the room he had shared with Louis. which was the main reason. And it was calm up there. And it was so much easier to imagine that his two parents were just downstairs, completely fine.
He didn’t look at Harry when he said, “I’ll stay up there too. That’s probably the calmest place anyways.” He just walked right past him over the room to get his suitcases. Harry hurried behind him and grabbed one of them.
“I’ll help you with that.”
They walked up the stairs. At the top of the stairs, you were met with a short hallway, with three doors. Two to your right side and one on the left side. That was the bathroom. While Harry’s and now Louis’ room was on the other side. Harry walked ahead of Louis and opened the first door on the left side, and into the room Louis was going to stay in. Louis put his suitcase on the bed and reached for the zipper.
“Do you want me to stay while you unpack everything, or should I just go downstairs?” Harry asked after he had put the last things on the bed.
“No, no, just stay, its fine,” Harry is sure Louis must have heard the insecure voice he had when he asked. He sat down in the chair by the window while Louis kept on putting things in the closet. It made Harry go crazy he was excited but so scared that Louis was going to stay up there with him for three whole weeks. There was one feeling there that he didn’t like though. It felt like so much and nothing at the same time. Knowing that he would never going to be able to be with Louis. Knowing that Louis didn’t feel the same as him. Louis would never be his.
He looked over at Louis and saw that he was in hurry with something. Before Louis was able to reach the top of the bed Harry noticed the pillow in Louis’ hands and recognized it.
“Yeah, um,” he could hear that Louis was embarrassed. Harry stood up and walked to the bed. He was stood opposite form Louis.
“Still can’t sleep without your own pillow?” Louis looked at Harry, not seeming too sure about what to expect. And Harry couldn’t stand how cute he was. stood there in front of him with the same pillow he had rested his head on those years back then.
“I-uh.” Harry had defiantly given Louis the wrong signs.
“Well, you know what I think about it, don’t you?” he looked at Louis with a teasing smile. And then Louis laughed at himself being ‘childish’. He always told Harry about how dumb he felt about it. But Harry just loved it. He loved it so much.
“Not after like what 5 years, I’m 28, Harry. It’s not normal.” The only thing Harry could do was to smile at how his name sounded when Louis said it. With his strong Doncaster accent. Harry loved that too.
“To be honest I still think it’s kind of cute,” he said honestly. He thought it was a cute thing. How a person could get so attached to a pillow. But it was the same for him. How could you get this addicted to a person you know never will like you back? That was what Harry was. Addicted.
Louis’ body language had changed. “you’re not supposed to think that.” And Harry knew that.
“Well then, I don’t think I’m going to be able to manage having a child in my house, so sadly I have to tell you to leave,” he shot back at Louis, feeling positive that Louis would take the joke well. The only thing Harry got was a pillow in his face.
“Jerk,” Louis said laughing slightly before going back to his suitcase. Harry fixed his fringe and sat down on the top of the bed this time. Now able to watch Louis even closer.
He had a feeling that this was going to be three hard, but good weeks.
Half an hour later, when Louis and Harry had gotten all of Louis’ things up in his room, they heard knocking on the door.
This time Harry was calmer. It had gone better than expected with Louis, so the rest would be easy. It wasn’t that he expected it to not go well. But Harry just knew how he was back in the days. Even though they had the best times, he always was so nervous, and he was so scared to do something wrong. He didn’t want Louis to notice the nerves. The fact that he still has got nerves after 10 years was annoying, but he couldn’t do anything about it. All he wanted was for Louis to like him. And he knew he did. He knew Louis loved him. and hoped he still did.
Louis walked towards the door, Harry following him. He was quite sure it was Niall, by the heavy knocks. And the way he didn’t stop until Louis was unlocking the door and he knew someone was there to open for him and Harry was right. There he was. Stood with the greatest smile Harry had seen in a long time. Typical, good old Niall. Always happy and enthusiastic, no worries at all, that’s Niall.
Harry watched Louis greet him first with a big hug. Watching Louis with other people was always a thing Harry loved. He had always just been genuinely happy to see people and he really showed it. the way he would hug people from the top even though he knew, and it made more sense if he was under. He was smaller than most of the people he surrounded himself with, as far as Harry knew at least.
But Harry had always felt Louis’ arms around his stomach. And instead of trying to get his head over Harry’s shoulder, he would clench to Harry’s chest. And that only happened to Harry.
Louis would always break the hug with a smile and keep his hand on the other persons shoulder for as long as it seemed natural. Then before he let go of the shoulder, he would squeeze it lightly. Every time Harry had watched him do that to a person, he could see what Louis didn’t notice. The way the person would just get caught up in Louis. how appreciated they would feel, and Harry knew the feeling all too well. Of course, Harry was happy that other people would get to feel that excitement. But he also wanted Louis to himself. and some of the times he had told Louis to come with him somewhere else, he had valid reasons. Most of the times. It wasn’t only to get him away from them. It was just a weird coincidence.
Louis let him go and Niall hurried inside. “That snow’s crazy man, could nearly get to the door,” he breathed out on his way to hug Harry.
He saw Louis looking at them from Niall’s back, so he decided to close his eyes to avoid meeting Louis’ eyes. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to because he really did want to. He just knew it would be weird, and he didn’t want to start these two weeks with Louis thinking he has turned into this completely other person.
The moment Niall started taking off his jacket they heard another car drive up the driveway. “Wonder who’s coming now,” Louis said, while opening the door.
Niall walked slowly up to the door to stand besides Louis. Between their heads Harry could see the car parking behind Louis’ car.
Louis had a new car, which was not surprising after all that time, but still there was something about all the memories in that first car he had. All the long drives, music you could hear form miles away.
Harry couldn’t see that much; it was snowing quite a bit. He was surprised when both the driver’s door and the passenger door opened. They would now all be together again. He could see Zayn walking to the door behind him and getting out his stuff. He couldn’t really see Liam because he was behind Louis’ car. Then they were walking up towards the three of them. Zayn first, Liam hanging in back there. It was great seeing them again.
Harry was happy that they all could make it, even though the thought of them all being in his house for three weeks was a bit terrifying.
It was noticeably clear that Zayn and Liam already had been talking a lot and got along well. They all hugged each other and started moving in towards the living room.
“If you want to just pic bedrooms now, and put your bags there so you don’t have to worry about it later you are very welcome to?” They all looked at Harry and nodded. “Louis took the second room upstairs so you get one each down here, you guys can just pic which one you want, I’ll be here getting some tea ready for you.”
“Yeah, sure mate, sounds good,” Liam said in a light tone. He picked up his bag, so did Zayn and Niall, then they all moved towards the rooms. Louis came with them while Harry turned to his right and walked into the kitchen. Nothing was different. He felt 18 again, like his mates from school were sleeping over, and he was just making four other 18–20-year-olds some tea.
All the rooms were on the other side of the house form where Louis and Harry ’s rooms were. In a small hallway from the living room.
Harry met them with three cups, when they came back, and handed each to the three of them. Niall ran to the chair they always had been fighting about when they were young. He jumped down in the chair and let out a laugh. They all let out a chuckle, while Liam and Zayn settled down in the two last chairs.
“You want a refill?” Harry said to Louis who were still beside him outside the kitchen.
“You don’t have to run around for us, Harry, I’m fine.” Harry completely ignored him.
“I really don’t believe that our British prince don’t want a tea refill.” And before Louis had the chance to answer him, he headed into the kitchen and was surprised when Louis followed him. but he just walked to the water and started on Louis’ cup.
“You know me too well,” Louis said from the door frame. “And British prince?” he asked in a questioning voice. and a grin formed on Harry’s face.
“Mhm.” It came out as a quiet hum.
“That how you see me?” Louis was loosening up. He was more confident with his voice now.
“I’m not answering that,” Harry said walking towards him and then handing him the cup.
When reaching the seating group, they came to realise that the only place left to sit was the ‘mini couch’, and there was a reason they called it that. It was barley any bigger that the chairs, yet it was a couch. and yes, the chairs were big and comfy. But to fit two grown men into one is not really something you want to do. When they were younger, they were smaller, and they were already all over each other, so there was no problem. Harry could not manage that now.
He looked at Louis and said, “yeah I should probably have thought about that before you guys came,” he chuckled a bit. “I’m just going to get a chair form the dining table, just take a seat Louis.”
He looked into Louis’ eyes. Hoping he would just agree and sit down. Yes, they would probably fit, and it would be enough space for them, and Harry was fine with it, but he felt like Louis probably would want some space. And for Harry to control himself it would be the best.
“No, God. We’ll fit there,” Louis laughed at him. “No need to sit on a kitchen chair being uncomfortable, we are supposed to have fun.”
That did not go as planned. Now he would have to sit down in that chair with Louis almost sat on top of him.
While Harry walked over to the chair and tried to squeeze himself as much as he could to the left. Louis just bumped down beside him. He acted so normal. Maybe it was Harry who was overthinking everything. and maybe Louis just thought about it as a normal thing.
It’s not like they were scared to touch each other. Back in the start they used to be all over each other. They were the closest in the group. It made sense They were both gay, all of them knew about it, but they both just understood each other better. They had the same struggles.
Harry came out to his family when he was 14, they never said anything bad, but it was obvious that they didn’t love it. So, when he met the boys, it was just a thing he mentioned, and it was just a normal thing. When they talked about girls, they talked about boys too. It became the most natural thing in the world, and Harry loved it. That was probably what made Louis get the courage to come out too. He could see that the boys were fine with it. Harry could still remember the day Louis came out to him.
Harry ran upstairs after his chat with his mum. Past the office and to him and Louis’ room. A month after Louis moved in, they both decided that it would be much more fun to share room. So, the same evening they moved all of Louis’ stuff up to Harry ’s room. Harry always thought Louis was so brave because he chose to study abroad, so he would do anything for him. And sharing room wasn’t a dreadful thing at all.
Halfway form the stairs to the door he could hear something. A tiny noise. He didn’t think much of it. But as soon as he opened the door his gaze went to Louis’ bed automatically, but it didn’t take him long to turn his eyes to his own bed, where he found Louis crying. He had his knees to his chest The second he heard Harry come in he hid his face in his hands.
“Louis?” Harry walked over. He sat down on his bed. He knew that Louis liked it better.
“Hey, Lou, what is going on?” Louis didn’t answer, he just cried harder.
Harry moved closer to him. “Hey, why are you sad?”
When he didn’t get any answer, he took Louis hands and slowly moved them so he could look at him. Louis looked up with bloodshot eyes. It broke Harry’s heart.
“Oh, Lou,” Harry ’s voice broke. He got over and hugged him hard. He felt Louis body relax as threw his arms around him. A warm feeling from Louis tears came to Harry shoulder. He sat down facing Louis. “You want to tell me what it is?”. He could see Louis nod slightly.
“Um” Louis snuffled. “Eh, I, uh. It’s scary” his voice was silent and vulnerable.
“Just take your time, it’s okay, I’ll be here, no matter what it is,” Harry couldn’t come up with more comforting things to say.
When Louis didn’t say anything, he asked, “What is scary, has something happened?”
“Um, no, it’s just I’m sacred that it might change things,” Harry was confused.
“Hey, why don’t you tell me what it is, it will be easier for me to understand,” Harry tired.
“Yeah ok, so I um” his voice cut off. “I um, I like b-” his voice was shaking “boys, I like boys.” Harry could see on Louis face how hard it was. He was fighting back his tears. To see Louis like this was awful. He brought Louis close to him and sat back leaning onto the back of the bed. Louis snuggled closer leaning into his chest, letting out a small sob. Harry felt a tear running down his cheek. It hurt him so bad to see how breaking it was for Louis.
“Why would it change anything, what is so scary about it,” he tried to ask as careful as he could.
“You know my friends at home don’t like it, but that not the problem.” Louis tried to talk as clear as he could. “It’s just that I’m scared that they boys will thing it’s weird with us, you know.” Harry knew where it was going. “Because we are both gay, if they think that we are together you know, just because of that.” Ouch, that hurt.
“They won’t.” Harry tried to figure out what to say. “They won’t Lou, you know how normal they think about me being gay, and they respect it. they will respect you and us as much.”
“How do you know?” Louis looked up at him from where he was.
Harry couldn’t manage how cute he was, but that was not the right time for those kinds of thoughts.
“They love you, and they love me, and if they are real friends, they won’t assume anything.”
“What about your parents, I know how they are, you know I love them, but they don’t really like that you are gay.”
It was true. They kind of just ignored it. asking if there were any cute girls at school. Joking about the day he’d come home with a future wife. And the children he was going to have, and how they would have to have them over for a week when mummy and daddy were going on a honeymoon. They were determined that he was straight.
“What about not telling them, I know the ask about girls and stuff. But just answer as if they were asking about boys. that’s what I do. And I don’t feel like it would bother you that much not to tell them.”
“Yeah, okay that’s true, its fine,” he could hear Louis trying to think about the positive sides.
He could feel Louis’ silent sobs on his chest. “Hey Lou.”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” They both fell asleep like that.
No one ever thought about them as more then friends. Except Harry. He had always admired the way Louis was. The way he could make everything seem like it was about the person he was with. The way he made Harry feel like the most important thing in the world. How he made everything feel so natural.
It didn’t take long before a conversation was started. Niall had asked Zayn how it was going in LA, and how Louis was doing in England. It seemed to go fine. Everyone seemed happy. Harry was sat beside Louis just listening. He had to many thoughts to join the conversation. His mind trying to suck up Louis’ beautiful voice, while he was trying to sort out all of his memories and thought about Louis. how he would get over him, while them being there. he knew for a fact he would not be able to have a relaxing time if he was going to walk around watching every single movement he made.
“So, you kept the house?” Harry was interrupted from his thoughts. He looked over at Liam who had asked the question.
“Yeah.” He felt some of the pain come back. “Yeah, I did. It was the only right thing to do, you know.” It was a hard decision to take. When his parents passed away, he was the only one left. He had no siblings who could take the house, and all the memories was too much to leave. It did turn into his dream home after a few months alone. He realized how much he enjoyed being alone. No one really answered him. They all remembered how tragic it was. It was also the last time they all were together, on their funeral four years ago.
“Anyone who wants to help with the dinner? We are having taco’s, I thought it would be okay with everyone?”
“Yeah, of course it’s okay, and I’ll absolutely help so it will be ready faster,” an enthusiastic voice from right said. They all laughed, knowing that Niall was the biggest food lover ever.
“I can help with the dinner if you need any more help,” Louis talked low, his voice sounded shy.
As Harry stood up, he answered, “Yeah of course, there is a lot to do, so just hang along.” Liam and Zayn decided to stay in the living room. Harry made his way to the kitchen where Niall already was stood waiting. Louis came in after him. “What do you guys want to do?” he said while getting all the groceries from the fridge.
“Niall can do the meat; he has always been good at that,” Louis suggested. Niall nodded to the idea and started with his task, while Harry brought the vegetables to the island for him and Louis. They sat down besides each other, and Louis picked the salad to cut. Harry watched him in his side-gaze. He could see his small hand griping around the knife, the brown hair falling in his face. His tongue sticking out of his mouth just a little, while he concentrated. He looked down at the tomatoes realizing that he had only cut one, he had just lost himself in Louis.
After a while of silence, they heard Niall from the other side of the table. “So, boys, have you found any guys the last couple of years, any new romance?” Harry looked over at Louis, wondering if he had. Harry couldn’t stop the thought of how jealous he would be back then if Louis only toughed anyone, and what if he had a boyfriend now?
“Nope, only one-night stands for me.” Harry said before Louis could answer. He wanted to make sure Louis knew, even though he wouldn’t care. It wouldn’t make any difference for Louis anyways.
“Wow I didn’t know you could get those out here,” Niall said surprised.
“There are a lot of people at the ski resort,” Harry smirked.
“Oh, nice you still snowboard,” Niall seemed impressed.
“No, I don’t, I just hang around there. Not a lot really, but a few parties a year.”
“Oh, so you just walk around there pretending you’re super good at snowboarding, that’s how you pick up guys,” Louis joined in. “cheeky,” he said and looked up at Harry with a grin.
“You would fall for it though?” he gave him a teasingly look.
“Not going to answer that question,” Louis quoted Harry, in an American accent.
“Well, what about you Louis. no husband waiting for you at home?” Harry flinched at the question Niall had asked.
“Give it a guess,” Harry knew Louis was fully aware of what he was doing.
“The only thing I can think is possible that would be at your house now would be the possible one-night stand from yesterday.”
“You really think I wouldn’t throw him out, before I left?!” Louis questioned.
“Wait, so, you did have one last night?!” shit that was not meant to come out, but Harry couldn’t control it.
“no.” Harry felt lighter. “Had one the night before that thought.”
“Oh-”
“Fuck god, chill Harry, that was a joke. ‘s been a while now.” Harry felt so much lighter.
They were close to finished when Zayn and Liam came in, saying they could set the table. They took out the same plates as the ones that had been there 10 years ago. Harry finished the onion he was cutting and got up to bring all the things to the table.
When they had all sat down and had made their tacos, Harry asked, “so, Niall,” They all faced Harry now. “Since you came up with this whole thing, have you got any plans for what we are going to do?”
They turned towards Niall, expecting an answer. He was quick to answer, seeming overly excited about it. “Yup, I do. Okay so because it is our 10-year anniversary we are going to do a lot of the things we did 10 years ago.” They all looked smiling at each other, small laughs because of how excited Niall was.
“The first week we are going to get to know each other over again. We are going to talk and play some games.” He smiled widely. “And I need some more to fill the first week, so some suggestions would also be great” he paused to breath.
“The second week we are going to go skiing and ice skating almost every single day, if you are up for it of course.” Harry loved to hear that. He could remember the way Louis always wanted to hold his hand because he was too scared that the ice would break, or he would fall.
“And the last week is just going to be fun, I know you’ve got a jacuzzi here Harry, so that may come to use.” He looked at them with a cheeky smile.
They all looked at him, probably a bit overwhelmed. “You’ve been thinking a lot about this, haven’t ya?” Zayn chuckled when he asked him.
The conversation went on and when Harry noticed that they all had finished their plates he told them that he’d clean and that they could go back to the living room. He was washing the plates when Louis came in with all the bowls they had used for the vegetables.
“You didn’t have to; you are probably tired of traveling all day.”
“Nah, more tired from that one night stand I had the other day.” Louis bumped Harry’s side.
“You are mean,” he answered while taking the bowls from Louis’ hands.
“I’m helping you, and you call me mean. Well, that’s not very nice.”
“You are literally changing the whole meaning of everything I just said. And I don’t want you to help.” Harry didn’t want Louis to get tired because he was helping him. Louis had travelled from the UK just to be with them.
“You know I want to. I love to help you. Also, then it won’t take so long for you to get back and cuddle me on the couch.” That made Harry laugh, he knew Louis was joking.
“Are saying that you really that cold, that you need a strong man to warm you up?” he joked back.
“Maybe I am,” Louis blinked at him, they both laughed and finished the cleaning.
When they got back to the couch the other boys were talking about girls. Liam had broken up with maya a few years ago but they were still good friends. They found out all of them were single at the moment.
After a while Harry faded out of the conversation, hearing voices in the background as his thoughts started wandering again. What had Louis been doing for all these years? He had once said that he wished that he’d live with Harry forever. It didn’t turn out that way. He couldn’t wait to hear about his life. Couldn’t wait to learn to know him again. He felt his body getting heavy. His eyes slowly closing, and he was gone.
“Harry,” a voice said in his ear. “Harry.” He could feel someone shaking him. “Harry,” the voice again but the whisper was closer. He slowly opened his eyes. They felt so heavy.
He was met with the cutest look ever. Louis was looking at him from his side. It took a second for Harry to realize where he was.
Shit, he was on Louis shoulder. He had fell asleep on Louis shoulder. Laying pressed along Louis whole left side. He wondered how long he had been laying there. Then he noticed that the other chairs were empty.
“Where are the boys?” his voice was nearly possible to understand. He sat up and tried to get back to himself.
“They went to bed,” he heard from his side.
“Why didn’t you, what’s the time?” He was confused. Why would all the boys go to bed so early?
“It’s 1 am, I told the boys it was fine, that I’d let you sleep,” Louis smiled at him. He was so calm. Harry loved how safe he felt.
“You didn’t have to, I’m sure you need sleep too,” he felt bad. First night and he didn’t even let Louis go to bed.
“You said you slept bad, I thought that when you actually seemed to be sleeping okay, I could let you sleep. And it wasn’t like it was killing me, so don’t worry.”
‘It wasn’t like it was killing me’, what was that supposed to mean?
“Thanks.” He really meant it but there was so much going on in his brain that made him sound sarcastic. There wasn’t that much that had happened in the day. It was probably just all the thoughts, and the boys coming was also a big thing.
“You want a cuppa?” Louis asked carefully.
“No, thanks, I’m fine think I’m just going to go to bed,” Harry felt bad answering that, obviously he would love more alone time with Louis, but he didn’t want to make Louis do anything more for him. He added, “You should too, Niall’s plans sound big, you would probably want to get some rest before it all.”
“Hey, it’s fine, I know you can’t go to bed without a cup of tea, and I also know that if I go to bed now, you’ll make it yourself, and you are exhausted, so please let me do it.”
“No, please you don’t have to feel like you have to do anything for me, I just, don’t want you to feel the need to.”
“Well okay, I want to, how about that?” Louis looked at him with the brightest bluest eyes he knows.
“Okay fine, but don’t blame me when you are so tired that you don’t want anything else than to sleep on me tomorrow.”
Louis laughed, “I don’t need to be tired for that,” and slowly got up from the couch, leaving a space beside Harry that felt emptier that it was before he even sat down.
Sometimes he wondered I Louis was flirting with him. Neither of them ever joked like that with any of the other boys. He didn’t want to get any more hope. He knew deep down that it would never happen. But Louis was the only person he’d ever missed. And the only person he just knew he loved. He didn’t know how he could know that he loved him. Maybe it was the way he couldn’t imagine a life without him. Or how Louis feelings make him feel the same way. When Louis was sad, Harry got sad. When Louis was happy, he was happy. The love was so strong.
Louis came in with two cups and gave Harry one of them. He sat down in the chair across form him. “I know I’ve asked you but are you sure you are fine?” Louis was always good at sensing when people weren’t at their best.
“You know, not really, it’s hard, still,” he had no problem with opening to Louis. He was so safe in his company.
“You want to tell me? Just everything? To be honest I’ve really missed you, missed knowing everything about you, I don’t know if you are this completely different person now.” It made Harry happy to hear that it seemed like Louis had been thinking about him.
“Yeah, well it started going downwards when we finished collage. You went back to the UK and the boys moved. I was sure that I was going to go to New York and start a life there, and I was very excited. I couldn’t wait to just see the world, you know it’s not a lot here, one grocery store and a mall that’s an hour away from here. But then, you know what happened,” he stopped for a bit.
“Yeah, I know, it was hard for me too, I felt so bad I couldn’t be there,” he could hear Louis voice breaking. He wasn’t crying but it was a hard thing to talk about for both. Louis had lived with them for four and a half years.
“I decided to keep the house, it was the only right thing. I found out that being here was one of the things that made me happy. It’s so calm and safe here. And the freedom is great, If I want to, I can just stay here the rest of my life, I’ve got the money, but there is just something missing,” he stopped at that. Harry knew well what was missing. Louis. Louis was what was missing. The empty space that needed to be filled. “I’ve learnt to live with the fact that they are not here anymore and are not coming back. It hurts yes it wasn’t something that was supposed to happen, they were way to young. I just um I feel bad for saying it but.”
“What?”
“You know they weren’t too happy about me being gay, and it was something that kind of bothered me, but you know that. The thing is that after a while it was like a relief, not feeling like a burden because of who I am, and I kind of felt that if you would every come back here you could just feel a bit better, you know. I always kind of felt guilty for the fact that you felt unsure around them.”
“You mean so I can finally sing ‘teenage dream’ as loud as I want?” that made Harry laugh, typical Louis to break the moment. He could see young Louis the days after school having the time of his life, being a little more feminine than he knew his parents would allow. Harry would sit in his bed on the other side of the room, while watching Louis impersonate some girl artist the best he could.
“Yeah, I guess you can do that now. I just still think it feels like something is missing, it might be you and the boys. You were the only thing I had when they were gone.” He was honest, he missed the boys too, even though it was Louis who was the most important one, but Louis didn’t need to know that.
“You shouldn’t feel guilty though. I never thought about it like that. I didn’t know it affected you as much though, it took me a while to get used to not have you guys. When these three weeks are over you can come over to me whenever you want. I know it’s kind of a long travel but just stay if you want to.” Harry looked over at Louis smiling. It calmed him that it seemed like Louis didn’t want to lose the contact. “We could go to Donny, and you could meet my family again, and the new twins.” Harry had completely forgot about that. Louis had two new siblings. They were born just a few months after the funeral.
“Yeah, we really have to do that,” his voice was calm. He could feel the butterflies in his stomach growing.
Louis’ light steps still made loud squeaking noises. It was an old house, and the wooden floor in the hallway was the original from when it had first been built. He met him when he came up from the stairs and Louis came out of the bathroom. They passed each other with small smiles. And harry admitted that it felt strangely weird feeling like Louis was someone he was just started getting to know. Then he felt a hand around his wrist, stopping him from walking any further, and when he turned around Louis was already looking up at him.
“Come give me a cuddle.” Harry didn’t hesitate, he went over to Louis, lent down, and hugged him. He felt Louis squeezing him a bit extra. Arms around his torso like always. Head on his chest, like always. It didn’t feel as intimate as it did before. When he hugged Louis back in the days, he would spend every second concentrating every part of louis that was in contact with his own body. The long arms stretching around him. the hair starting at the end of his t-shirt and all the way up to where his chin rested.
“Good night.”
“Night.” Harry’s reflex of kissing the top of louis head had just kicked in, but he was interrupted by Louis as quickly, breaking the hug, which he couldn’t be happier about. They were so close, and that one thing could make this whole thing much more awkward.
He got under the cold duvet, which fell on like a cloud on him. Slowly getting heavier, creating a warm space. He turned to face the middle of the bed and looked over at the empty pillow. No matter how much he wanted himself to appreciate the silence and the time alone. That was the furthest form what he wanted. He was very aware of what he wanted. And also, painfully aware that it was only ever going to be a dream.
He slept better that night that he had in years, but still things didn’t feel complete just yet.