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What am I doing?
He doesn’t want to see me. What am I doing here?
But after everything, I can’t just leave.
Ahsoka sighed and came to a stop at the end of a deserted hallway. She had been pacing here for the past 5 minutes, dimly aware of the silence of the base and the one flickering bulb at the end of the corridor, her mind occupied by the man on the other side of the wall. Rex .
Seven silent steps, a pause, and a turn. Seven silent steps: 3 to the door, one to cross it, and three past. A halt, a hesitation, and a turn.
And with each pass she remembered.
The barren moon just after Order 66— Laying next to Rex, both rolled into salvaged sleeping bags, Ahsoka lay awake crying as softly as she could. She knew Rex was awake and in pain himself, but neither turned toward the other for comfort. Ahsoka didn’t blame him, but neither could she bring herself to turn toward him. Instead, she lay in the dark waiting for rest that never came.
Seven steps. A pause. Squeezing her eyes shut, she pressed two fingers into her forehead as if trying to push back the ache.
A turn.
The busy space port where they parted— After their second run-in with the empire, Rex suggested splitting up. Ahsoka wasn’t surprised. Nothing had seemed right between them since burying the venator’s dead. Rex had always been stoic, but now his face was blank at all times. Ahsoka didn’t know how to break through or what to say if she did. Now Rex had a lead on Clone Force 99 and Ahsoka intended to go to ground somewhere out of the way. But as they neared the moment of goodbye, Ahsoka could hardly stand it. After all she had lost—they both had lost—to lose her best friend too? It was too much. So she found herself throwing her arms around Rex when she meant to walk away. Ahsoka expected Rex to simply receive her hug impassively and for a moment he did, but then something seemed to break in him and suddenly they clung to each other and the tears each tried to hide at night flowed freely. Ahsoka wanted to stay in Rex’s arms for as long as it took the grief to ebb away. But the moment was over almost as quickly as it had begun. Rex pulled away with profound sadness and a remote wistfulness in his eyes. Then he said goodbye and turned into the crowd.
A hesitated again at the end of the hall, remembering how the blank mask was back in place when they met again within the newly formed rebellion. Perhaps it would have been better if it stayed that way , she thought. But the outer-rim raids— she turned and began pacing again.
The outer rim raids— Ahsoka had been reluctant when Bail Organa asked her to lead a series of raids on imperial outposts in the outer rim with Rex. They had barely seen each other since joining the rebellion, so maybe Organa didn’t realize the way they stiffened around each other. Or maybe he did notice and the pairing was all part of his machinations. Either way, the two veterans set off for their first target in silence. But by the time they were in the thick of the mission, things were better. The moment danger approached, they reverted back to working together as they had for years. Ahsoka felt a release of tension she couldn’t describe, and when they returned to the ship, Rex told her about the Bad Batch and their mysterious charge, his work with the rebellion, and about his lead on other troopers with their chips removed. He lit up.
Everything was good until the 5th and final raid. It went well—amazingly well—and in her joy, Ahsoka flung her arms around Rex the moment they were safely inside their ship. She felt again a rush of emotion as he wrapped his arms around her in turn. She had felt so isolated in the rebellion. People there had known Jedi, had befriended clones, had experienced the total loss of home and family, and yet no grief was exactly like her own and no one else had known her men, fought her battles. She had longed for Rex. Now he was here, holding her, so close and warm, and she—
Ahsoka paused in her pacing and sighed, drawing her brow marks even further together. There are no two ways about it, she scolded herself. I tried to kiss him, and he ran away .
Rex had stiffened as soon as he realized what Ahsoka’s approach meant, and she paused, suddenly afraid.
“Soka, I—“ he said, shaking his head, pain written on every feature, and before she knew what to think, he fled to the maintenance bay. Ahsoka could sense his emotions—a tangled mess—for only a moment before he shielded himself thoroughly.
And that was that. We haven’t spoken since.
Ahsoka paused again at the end of the hall and threw her head back. If she weren’t leaving in the morning for a long mission deep undercover, she wouldn’t be here. She had made eye contact with Rex across a crowded briefing earlier in the day and his eyes had filled with sadness. She couldn’t bear the thought of him looking at her like that when he answered the door. But she couldn’t bring herself to leave, to enter the kind of danger she knew lay ahead, without seeing Rex. Without knowing. Without saying goodbye.
Finally she steeled herself, turned, took three steps back, and knocked.
From behind the door she heard a muffled call to enter and palmed the sensor. The door slid back to reveal a small, sparse chamber very much like her own on base, and Rex standing by his desk with a datapad in hand. He frowned slightly when he looked at her.
“Rex, I—“ Ahsoka didn’t often find herself at a loss for words, but she struggled to begin. “I’m leaving tomorrow on a long Fulcrum mission, undercover. And I—I guess I just wanted to say goodbye.” Rex did not speak but nodded slowly. “And I wanted to say that I—I value the friendship we had during the war and you’re still important to me. You always have been. On that last raid in the outer rim—“ Ahsoka broke off at Rex’s look of consternation.
“We don’t need to talk about that,” Rex broke in hoarsely. He cleared his throat and looked at the floor. “I value our friendship too.” He returned to silence. Ahsoka fought down tears. If he values our friendship, why won’t he talk to me?!
Before she could think of how to respond, Rex spoke up again.
“Do you have backup, on your mission?”
Ahsoka was resolute—she came here to begin healing their friendship. So she didn’t allow Rex to change the subject.
“I would like to talk when I get back, if you’re not ready now. I’d like us to be friends again.” A look of pain washed over Rex’s face like a flash before he returned to his characteristic stoicness.
“I have a lead on Wolffe, Ahsoka.” Ahsoka’s eyes snapped to Rex’s. “I’m shipping out tomorrow too. If I find him, I think we may find somewhere to live in peace for a while.”
“Wolffe! That’s good news. But—Where will you go?” Ahsoka tried to remain positive and show support. But inside her mind raced with fears of losing Rex forever.
“I don’t know. I’m trying not to get ahead of myself, to hope too much.” Ahsoka nodded. She knew Rex longed for the connection his brothers shared. She missed her family too, so she understood. But she didn’t think she should have to miss Rex when he was right in front of her. She couldn’t stand the way their once beautiful friendship was just gone . She wanted to ask if Rex was ever coming back or if he would just run away and leave her alone in this new and terrible galaxy.
“Will you write and tell me if you find him?” She asked.
“I’ll try, Ahsoka.” Rex sounded so uncertain, so little like his old self, and Ahsoka felt the tears behind her eyes becoming uncontrollable. She had to leave.
“Goodbye, Rex,” she whispered, and walked out the door.
As the door hissed shut, Ahsoka stood in the hall trying desperately to gather herself enough to return to her quarters. She took one step and stumbled as a wave of emotion hit her: a wave of Rex’s unshielded, unfiltered emotion. Grief and loneliness mingled with a powerful longing and regret and—she staggered—love. Love for the clones, yes, but a distinctive love for her . She froze, unable to move one more step away. Was Rex aware of his projection? Did he know she could sense his emotions so clearly?
Almost as soon as they began, the emotions reached their peak and faded. And just as the last threads reached her, she heard Rex’s voice in her mind: “Goodbye, Ahsoka.”
She walked away weeping.