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“Hey, Minsu.” Jeyou peeks into the practice room. It’s a tiny one, with only a table and electric keyboard, but it’s Minsu’s favorite room. Jeyou wills himself to stay calm and renews his resolve.
Minsu looks up from the keyboard, surprise turning into a beaming smile. “Jeyou! Come in, come in.” He’s never one to turn Jeyou away. Or anyone, for that matter.
“I brought you some gummy bears.” Jeyou walks in cautiously, setting a pack of it down on the side of the keyboard and closing the door gently behind him. He pulls the chair from the table to sit next to Minsu.
“Thanks,” Minsu says happily, opening up the gummies and popping a few in his mouth. Jeyou isn’t even sure Minsu liked gummy bears when he bought them, but the fact that he was right made him almost sigh in relief. He glances over at Jeyou, his excitement shifting to suspicion. “This is really nice of you.” Jeyou’s been told he can be read like an open book, but he didn’t expect to be found out so early.
“I wanted to ask you something.” Jeyou breathes, splaying his fingers over his lap to mirror how he’s spreading himself open, vulnerable. He looks down because if he has to look right at Minsu when he asks, he might lose all his courage in a second. “Promise not to get mad?”
Minsu swallows the mouthful of gummies and turns so he faces Jeyou. “What is it? I promise not to—”
“Can I kiss you?” Jeyou blurts out. There’s a silence afterward like the aftermath of a balloon being popped. Jeyou glances up to read Minsu’s expression, bracing for the worst.
Minsu’s eyes are wide, confused, but not scared. Jeyou can work with confusion. At least Minsu isn’t about to slap Jeyou or hate him forever, or worst-case scenario, get Kyungho to beat him up. “Me?” Minsu’s ears are starting to blush red. Jeyou knows Minsu would never shame him for asking, never could.
Jeyou casts his nerves in molten steel. “Yes.” There’s no turning back.
Minsu laughs a little, too high for it to be anything but a nervous one. “Are you sure?” His eyes meet Jeyou’s and even though his tone is light, his eyes are dead serious. It’s a warning, telling Jeyou that there’s no backing out of this one and that this isn’t something to be taken lightly.
“Yes, Minsu.” Jeyou tries to soften his words, relax a little. Make this whole interaction feel anything resembling normal. Yes, Minsu, I’ll take out the garbage. Yes, Minsu, we’re leaving in 10 minutes. Yes, Minsu, I want to kiss you.
Minsu takes a deep breath, long inhale and short exhale. “Okay.” He places his hand on top of Jeyou’s hand, the one that’s gripping his knee. He smiles, kindly, as if he’s trying to coax a spooked puppy to come closer. “Let’s do it.” This is Minsu, gentle and sure, and this is why Jeyou comes to him, because he’s the only one who could treat his request with the delicateness it needs. Jeyou’s glad they’re the same age, because their bond as same-aged friends makes this just a little easier. Minsu’s his friend, a comrade, and he’s someone Jeyou can trust, safe enough to bare a side of himself he never imagined ever showing.
Jeyou’s nervous now, when Minsu’s hand is holding his gently, his eyes are wide and searching for Jeyou’s agreement. It’s real, it’s happening, and Jeyou’s leaning into Minsu’s face, their eyes fluttering shut.
The contact between their lips is hesitant. Jeyou feels nothing, just lips on lips, in that moment they were touching. He takes a dive, nipping gently at Minsu’s lower lip to taste the faint stickiness of gummy candies on the tip of his tongue, and Jeyou pulls away first. It’s enough. Jeyou knows he’s holding back because he can’t give it all to Minsu when he’s not the intended recipient of everything Jeyou wants to give. He knows Minsu was holding back too, afraid of what this all means, afraid of accidentally hurting Jeyou.
Minsu looks up at him through curly hair, eyes dazed, the tips of his ears reddening and lips parting just slightly. He’s cute, always has been, like a fairy with something soft and mystical around the edges of his features. Supernatural, too delicate to be breathing and real, but he’s undeniably so when their knees are still bumping together. Suddenly all Jeyou wants is for Minsu’s features to blur together and reform into someone new.
“Was that okay?” Minsu’s voice is still gentle, his hand stroking Jeyou’s knuckles to remind him that they’re here, that they’re okay. He’s not as fragile as he looks. He’s a million times stronger and more put together than Jeyou is. It sinks in that Jeyou just kissed Minsu, even though the sensation of Minsu’s lips is long gone and Jeyou almost touches his own lips to feel if they were still working.
The kiss is nice. Minsu is nice. But combined, Jeyou isn’t sure. Minsu is cute, pretty, he’s a boy, but he’s not—
“Yeah,” Jeyou lets out a short sigh. Questions answered, questions left unanswered. “Thank you, Minsu.” Minsu’s eyes crinkle in a smile as Jeyou intertwines their hands to squeeze his. They don’t talk about it as they finish the rest of the gummy bears and play random songs on the keyboard, laughing the rest of the day away.
Jeyou scratches his nose. It happens, even in the middle of a live broadcast. His hand drops back onto the pillow on his lap, right on top of Seongmin’s hand. Minsu’s talking about something, something about numbers, but Jeyou’s not listening even though he should. Seongmin’s hand wraps around Jeyou’s like their fingers are meant to fit into each other’s.
It’s nothing out of the ordinary, Seongmin’s thumb stroking Jeyou’s fingers, but the bubbling feeling in Jeyou’s chest isn’t. Since when did it become so normal? His hand resting in Seongmin’s palm, his own thumb grazing back on the side of Seongmin’s hand like a reflex. The awareness fills Jeyou’s chest with a feeling like warm cotton, expanding more and more until he feels it fill up his throat.
Seongmin sinks into his seat, his head nestling into Jeyou’s shoulder. It’s just skinship, Jeyou tells himself. It’s just Seongmin being clingy like he always is. Seongmin’s touchy with everyone and Jeyou just happen to be sitting next to him. They’re on camera. There are a million reasons why Seongmin’s touching him and why it doesn’t mean anything, but a new realization sends chills down Jeyou’s spine, crushes all those reasons into dust.
He wants it to mean something.
His chest tightens like strings pulled taut. Jeyou blurts out something, anything to make it seem like he’s still listening. Then he turns to look at Seongmin and he’s seeing him again for the first time. 17-year-old Seongmin, before he was ever Jerome, towering over Jeyou with curly black hair and eyes that sparkled. 19-year-old Seongmin in front of him now, with light brown hair, "honey brown", that the hairstylist spent 15 minutes flat ironing and spraying into the perfect shape and the same eyes that still sparkle like twin stars. He laughs and every stitch in Jeyou’s seams falls open and he falls open, like he could reach into his chest and pull his heart out for Seongmin.
Maybe Jeyou’s realization isn’t sudden. Maybe it’s a machination three years in the making, a plan set into motion from the very first day Seongmin walked through the door of the practice room that December. Seongmin’s still talking and gesturing animatedly to the camera and Jeyou inches closer to read the comments popping up, for the appearance of normalcy. Maybe this is all it is. Normal, like Jeyou’s always meant to be in love with him. Like he’s always been.
Jeyou loops his arm through Seongmin’s and maybe he wants to keep it there, keep them intertwined forever.
There are a few close calls, like when Seongmin clings onto him so tightly that it's almost impossible not to just lean in and kiss him. Jeyou wonders sometimes how Seongmin's touches, on his shoulder, his waist, his cheeks, have become so natural. It's so routine that when Seongmin doesn't initiate skinship for a day, he finds himself missing something.
Jeyou fights the part of him that craves for Seongmin, that wants him to just tiptoe up and pull Seongmin in. Whenever Seongmin looks over at him with those round eyes, pouting, smiling, calling out to him, it takes all of Jeyou's power not to leap over and kiss him. Instead, Jeyou just clenches his fingers, smiles for the camera (because there always is one), and lets Seongmin hug him.
For Seongmin's part, he just continues his usual skinship. If he notices Jeyou getting any stranger around him, he doesn't comment on it. Between all the conflicting thoughts in Jeyou's mind, it's hard to read Seongmin. Seongmin doesn't touch him, he must hate him. Seongmin touches him, he must love him. Jeyou wants to just shake Seongmin and ask him what he wants from Jeyou, if he's reading it wrong, but he could never put Seongmin in that position.
Jeyou's supposed to know better. He's the older one. Their company has drilled the dating ban into their heads ever since the day they signed the contract. He knows the line by heart, no dating for the first three years and preferably for the rest of their contract. That's not even including the fact that Seongmin's a boy and Jeyou hates the way it feels like a dirty label in his mind. He hates himself for wishing that Seongmin wasn't a boy and wasn't part of the group and for wishing he could change anything about Seongmin.
Jeyou hates himself for wishing that Seongmin could look at him the same way he does Seongmin.
“Jeyou-hyung, are you up?” Seongmin’s voice is close to his head, so soft because Jaeyun and Jisu are dead asleep in the other bunk bed. Jisu’s snoring a little, Jaeyun’s snoring a lot.
“Seongmin?” Jeyou tries to whisper, as much as he can, rolling over to where Seongmin’s voice was coming from. He was falling asleep, so close to dreamland he could taste it, but Seongmin woke him back up. It’s pitch black.
“I can’t sleep.” Seongmin nudges Jeyou, crawling into his sheets. Jeyou lets him in with the cold. It’s an awkward fumble of limbs in the dark, trying to be as quiet as possible so Jaeyun doesn’t wake up and yell at them. “Thanks, hyung.”
They’re pressing so close together in the cramped bunk that Jeyou wonders if he even has to say anything for Seongmin to hear it. Maybe if he thinks about it really hard, Seongmin will know. It’s always been like that between them. When they’ve spent so much time together, there’s really nothing the other person can’t tell or pick up on in an instant.
“You did well today, hyung.” Seongmin mumbles, the sleepiness in his voice louder than his words. “Give me a kiss.” He’s joking, as usual, but something in Jeyou’s stomach lurches.
“There aren't any cameras here.” Jeyou can’t even see Seongmin properly, just estimating where his face is based on his voice. There are no cameras, no captive audience, nobody else to perform for. Just the two of them and Jeyou half hopes this isn’t just a joke because he can’t bring himself to laugh.
“So?” Seongmin’s voice is sleepy, pouty in the way that Jeyou can never tell if he was serious or not. Jeyou pauses, his breath caught on the way down. Seongmin breathes quietly and Jeyou wonders if his eyes are open or closed. If he’s asleep already.
Jeyou wants. Jeyou wants so hard, thinks about it so hard, that he’s almost sure Seongmin could feel it. He wants it so bad, from every bone in his body. He wants Seongmin to know but Seongmin might have his eyes closed, ears shut, falling asleep, and Jeyou wants Seongmin to know.
Jeyou shuffles closer to Seongmin, pushing closer until their noses are brushing and Seongmin stills. For all their hugs and pictures and cheek pokes, they’ve never been this close, where Jeyou can feel Seongmin’s soft exhales on his own face. Then Jeyou leans in and it’s a done deal, sealed with a kiss.
It’s a short peck and Jeyou reels back, the rush of what he just did hit him like a freight train. He feels disgusting like he’s covered in moss and mud and when he breathes, he inhales buckets of swamp water. He feels branded like a criminal, like he just stole something from Seongmin that can’t be replaced, maimed their friendship, left everything as a burning wreck. It’s all Jeyou ever do, dive headfirst into risks and think about the rest later. Jeyou tries to console himself that maybe Seongmin’s asleep, maybe he didn’t feel it, maybe he’ll laugh and take it as a joke. “Seongmin, I’m—”
He doesn’t finish the sentence because Seongmin’s kissing him back, accompanied by a shuffle in the blanket. Jeyou feels everything wash over him like he’s standing under a waterfall, and he presses into Seongmin’s kiss because he wants it more than anything he’s ever been close to reaching. More than a trainee acceptance letter, more than first place in a stupid survival show. He wants it like rapture, to ascend into something beautiful and leave the past and the rest of his flawed humanity behind.
Seongmin nips at his lower lip, playful, and Jeyou feels his cheeks light up like a red light, probably bright enough to cast the whole room in a red glow. Maybe this is the way it's supposed to happen between them. This kiss is something natural like any small other act of affection, only with the destructive force ready to shatter their worlds with just a brush of their lips. Still, Jeyou pushes back into the kiss like it’s a chance for rebirth, like it’ll wash this self-loathing feeling from Jeyou’s bones, fingers inching up to Seongmin’s neck for salvation.
Seongmin shifts under the blankets, the bed creaks, and Seongmin climbs on top of Jeyou, caging him with his arms. He teases Jeyou’s bottom lip until Jeyou thinks it’ll be bruised tomorrow, but Jeyou can’t bring himself to care when he feels like every inch of his skin is aflame and Seongmin is the only relief. Jeyou lets out a soft noise when Seongmin pulls off like he just lost his oxygen tank and without it, he’s forgotten how to breathe.
Seongmin presses another soft kiss, just a peck on the lips, and Jeyou doesn’t need any light to see that he’s smiling against Jeyou’s lips. “Goodnight, hyung,” Seongmin whispers, and rolls off of Jeyou, falling asleep cuddled up to his side.
“Goodnight.” Jeyou mumbles, mostly to himself.
Nothing changes. Something changes. They don’t talk about it the day after, or ever. Jeyou and Seongmin stay as same old Jeyou and Seongmin, going about their days, joking, laughing. It’s business as usual, smiling for the cameras, Seongmin poking his cheek at every photo op, the two of them lingering around each other. Only now, Jeyou’s all too aware of every time Seongmin reaches for his hand, aware of the eyes on them.
He tries not to prickle whenever Seongmin touches him in front of a camera because he never has before now. He never realized how often they’re being affectionate, only realizing they’re doing it when he’s got his chin tucked over Seongmin’s shoulder or when he instinctively goes to stand next to Seongmin. But he never stops, because nothing can keep him apart from Seongmin.
Seongmin sleeps in his bed most nights of the week now. He claims he’s too tired to climb to the top bunk, at least to Jaeyun and Jisu. Sometimes, they just sleep curled up to each other like two cats, two halves of a whole. Sometimes, in the privacy of the dark, Seongmin would press closer until their noses found each other like ships in the night. Then he’d give Jeyou a kiss, gentle, so faint that Jeyou wonders if it’s real, but everywhere Seongmin touches leave a mark; his heart is covered in Seongmin’s fingerprints.
Jeyou tries not to show his eagerness, holds back from wanting to roll over and cage Seongmin under him like he did that first night, letting Seongmin kiss him on his own schedule. Maybe Jeyou’s afraid, that if he rushes things, he’d fuck it up, but he feels Seongmin’s smile whenever he gives Jeyou a goodnight kiss and everything feels right again. Every crashing tide in Jeyou’s mind slows, slowing into calm waves lapping at the shore when Seongmin reaches out to give Jeyou’s cheek a squish and kisses over the spot he pinches.
“Hyung, hyung, look here.” Seongmin tugs at Jeyou’s sleeve when he sees him emerge from the waiting room. Jeyou shuffles over to the wall where Seongmin’s taking selfies, pushing their faces together and smiling up at the phone in Seongmin’s hand. Seongmin takes a few pictures, changing his pose just a little every time, giving a wink or soft pout for the camera as Jeyou watches, just amused.
He’s not sure how Seongmin does it, all the smiling and winking and laughing and sticking out his tongue. He's not sure how Seongmin does it all, this idol life. It’s another few seconds of Seongmin’s frantic picture taking before Jeyou realizes he’s just staring at Seongmin through the phone with a goofy look.
“Jeyou-hyung, smile!” Seongmin whines, giving the camera a little pout, and Jeyou can’t resist. When it comes to Seongmin, all Jeyou knows is that he wants, and he does. Jeyou turns and gives Seongmin a peck on the cheek, fast and sweet.
Jeyou’s not sure what to expect. He prepares himself for a slap, a shove, a yell, even. If it was Jaeyun, Jeyou’s ass would be flying down the corridor and out the window at the end. But Seongmin’s eyes only widened in surprise on the phone screen for a moment. Then he giggles, lowering his arm to check the selfies they took.
“I think I got it.” Jeyou wants to sigh in relief, but he doesn’t even know why he would ever think Seongmin could hurt him.
Seongmin’s scrolling through the pictures, stopping on a few that caught Jeyou’s kiss on his cheek, eyes closed and peaceful while Seongmin looks surprised. “I didn’t kiss you for the picture.” Jeyou mumbles, hooking his chin over Seongmin’s shoulder. It’s true and Seongmin should know, so he gets to the point.
“I know.” Cocky, as always. Seongmin picks out a few of the other ones he likes, where Jeyou looks like he’s spaced out and Seongmin has his tongue out. He uses his free hand to pinch Jeyou’s left cheek. “Someone could’ve seen, you know.” Seongmin’s tone is still light and playful, trying to embarrass Jeyou as he always does, but there’s real worry just under the surface.
“It’s okay if there’s a camera on us.” Jeyou wants to close his eyes, rest his head on Seongmin’s wide shoulders and let sleep claim him like it’s been calling out to him for the past hour. But they’re on stage in half an hour and there’s still mics and in-ears to get ready. His eyes fall back on the dozens of pictures that Seongmin took. “Don’t post those.”
There’s something private, personal, about those pictures. They’re all too real. A stolen moment caught on camera when Jeyou lets himself slip, doing something he actually wants to. They could play it off like it’s just fanservice if they had to, because the world can see it, the way Jeyou likes him, and they like it. But Jeyou doesn’t want the world to see this. Maybe he’s allowed to keep just one photo to himself, keep just one moment with Seongmin for himself.
Seongmin hums in agreement, deleting all duplicates until there’s only one selfie left, where Seongmin’s eyes sparkle as Jeyou buries a smile into his cheek. He sends it over to Jeyou through text and turns off his phone. They stand there for a while because Seongmin’s being quiet for once, and sleep almost catches up to Jeyou when there’s a voice just behind the waiting room door, calling out for Seongmin.
Jeyou reluctantly untangles himself from Seongmin’s shoulder to let him go. Seongmin shoots him a pout and Jeyou wants to lean in and kiss him again, properly, but he holds back. Jeyou’s impulsive but he’s not completely reckless, so he gives Seongmin’s hand a squeeze and lets him go back into the waiting room.
It’s still a secret from the rest of the members. Everyone and their mother knows that Jeyou’s in love with Seongmin, and maybe vice versa, but there’s still plausible deniability when they’ve never mentioned it. Nobody ever talks about it, the whole horde of elephants in the room with the 10 of them.
Nobody mentions anything, but everyone speculates. Some more explicitly than others, like when Woonggi asked Jeyou if the time he and Seongmin went out to see a movie by themselves was a date. Jeyou had denied it, because there wasn’t anything then, although he’s not sure he was convincing enough when he was red from his cheeks to his ears.
Jeyou and Minsu never talk about what happened between them, but it’s easy to compartmentalize and put that kiss into a box and seal it away forever when it was Minsu. They didn’t like each other but Minsu liked boys too and that’s all Jeyou ever needed from him.
Now they’re clanking soju shots together, along with Jaeyun, Chihoon, and Chanhyuk. The others were off to karaoke, or as they called it, Woonggi’s solo concert time. It’s a rare off night that they get to have fun when the manager’s off to his girlfriend’s house. There’s technically a rule against alcohol but between them and the manager, whatever he doesn’t witness doesn’t count.
They’re playing drinking games now and Minsu’s laughing, cheeks pink and lips shiny with liquor. Jeyou wonders what soju would taste like from Minsu’s tongue, but the thought floats away from him as Jaeyun pats his shoulder.
“Hey, did you drink too much?” Jaeyun’s teasing, with an undercurrent of concern. Always caring, always in leader mode.
“No,” Jeyou mumbles, feeling the words come out in a slush. “I’m— great— good. I’m good.” Jaeyun smiles at him, knowing. Everything’s warm, swimming together in Jeyou’s head.
“I bet I could get anything out of you right now, huh?” Jaeyun nudges him.
“No, nope, no way,” Jeyou says, in English. Jaeyun laughs. “Lips— closed.”
A look crosses Jaeyun’s face that Jeyou can’t read that fast. Maybe there’s something he wants to say? “Alright, alright.” Jaeyun pats his shoulder again.
“Jeyou, have you finally done something about your crush on Seongmin?” Chanhyuk’s loud usually but even more when there’s alcohol in his system. Jaeyun’s mouth opens but he’s not surprised, he’s about to scold him.
“What?” Jeyou twists his head inquisitively to where Chanhyuk howls with laughter on the other side of the table. “No— No.”
“Hey, don’t pick on him, he can’t defend himself.” Jaeyun huffs, putting a protective arm around Jeyou’s shoulders.
“I don’t— Crush on Seongmin.” Jeyou blinks, trying to rearrange the words in a way that makes sense. There’s a pretense, some vague reason he had to keep this up, but Jeyou can barely remember what it is. “Don’t have a crush on him.” Chihoon watches him, trying to hide a smile. Minsu snickers.
“Right, and my name isn’t Chan.” Chanhyuk rolls his eyes, downing another shot of soju. Jeyou mirrors him, slamming the shot glass down.
“I don’t! I’ll prove it.” The words leave Jeyou’s mouth, even though he doesn’t have to prove it. Jeyou’s not always competitive, but he’s been told he gets riled up easily and the alcohol only makes the flames grow wilder. Chanhyuk smirks like he has him in a headlock.
“Kiss Minsu, then.” Chanhyuk crosses his arms, smiling confidently. Chihoon sips a glass of water next to him, eyes darting between Chanhyuk and Jeyou. Jaeyun’s about to protest but Jeyou pats Jaeyun’s arm to tell him to stand down. The room gets several degrees colder.
“Fine.” He glances over to Minsu, whose flushed cheeks are even redder, his eyes wide. “Only if he’s cool with it.” Minsu thanks him with a look.
“Yeah, why don’t we ask Kyungho’s permission while we’re at it?” Chanhyuk giggles and nearly falls over. Chihoon steadies him with an arm. Minsu downs a shot.
“I think Chan-hyung has had too—” Jaeyun doesn’t get to finish his sentence.
“Fine!” Minsu huffs, shuffling next to Jeyou. His ears are red and Jeyou knows Chanhyuk touched a nerve from the way Minsu’s annoyance is cackling like a live wire. “Come on.”
Jeyou leans in and kisses Minsu, but instead of the softness and uncertainty of their last kiss, this one’s fast and desperate. It feels like acting, like somewhere between a kiss in a drama scene and skinship games in front of an eager audience. Chanhyuk whoops and cheers as Jeyou licks the liquor off Minsu’s bottom lip, resting a hand on the nape of his neck. Minsu only hums and lets Jeyou take the lead, but all Jeyou can think is that Minsu’s nothing like Seongmin, whose kisses bring Jeyou to his knees, bringing him to the edge of the world and dangling him upside down.
All Jeyou can think is that he wants Seongmin to be the one in front of him when he pulls back and opens his eyes. But it’s Minsu instead, and he’s made a terrible mistake.
“I believe you, I believe you.” Chanhyuk rambles loudly, falling into Chihoon’s lap. Chihoon and Jaeyun are deathly silent as Minsu and Jeyou wash down the rest of the soju that’s been opened. There’s a silent promise in the air not to talk about this ever again, that what happened today would stay a secret, and Jeyou can see it in the glances Chihoon and Jaeyun exchange.
A few moments later, when Jeyou thinks Jaeyun’s about to say something, the door opens and the rest of them are back. There’s a commotion as they notice Chanhyuk’s passed out in Chihoon’s lap and Jisu leaps to help Jaeyun clean off the table. Jeyou stands and the ground suddenly feels far, the room too wide for him to walk properly, but there’s only one thing he wants to do before he falls over.
Seongmin bounds over to him with a shopping bag the second his shoes are off, still riding off the excitement of the outing. “Hyung, we brought ice cream—” Jeyou pulls Seongmin in by the shirt, because he’s too fucking tall, and kisses him. It’s not a peck, it’s a full kiss, and Jeyou can taste the remnants of something sweet on his tongue, like ice cream. Jeyou kisses him like a dying man, like his heart is slipping out of his body, because Seongmin has it now.
Seongmin kisses him back for a second, using his free hand to support Jeyou’s back, before pulling off, surprise written all over his face. It’s way, way too quiet, in a room with 10 guys. Jeyou closes his eyes and he doesn’t think he can open them again.
“Okay, Chan-hyung and Jeyou have had way too much to drink,” Jaeyun says loudly, accompanied by the sounds of Chanhyuk groaning. “Time for bed, everyone!”
“Jeyou-hyung,” Seongmin’s voice is far away and he says something indecipherable. Jeyou can’t open his eyes, can’t struggle to keep his consciousness, so he lets himself fall back asleep.
Jeyou dreams of puppies by the dozens, all pawing and licking at him. They’re all fluffy and cute, barking for Jeyou’s attention and he doesn’t have enough hands to pet all of them. As far as dreams go, this one’s nice, and Jeyou finds himself laughing when he falls over and they lick at his face.
He wakes up to Jisu dropping a cold, wet towel on his face.
“Ah,” Jeyou flails, throwing the towel back at him. He can’t open his eyes, not really, can’t sit up either without his head spinning. He gets into a half-sitting position, somehow. His mouth is dry. “I feel… Bad.”
“Yeah, I’d think so.” Jisu sounds tired. “You guys left a mess, by the way.” The last thing Jeyou remembers is being dragged off from the living room, most probably by Seongmin and Jisu himself.
“Sorry, sorry.” Jeyou blinks his eyes open, finally. “Where’s Jaeyun?” Jisu’s standing with his hands on his hips in front of his bunk, still in his pajamas.
“Went out for more hangover stuff. He finished the last of it.” Jisu’s eyes meet Jeyou’s and he smirks. “Might as well pick up some earbuds while he’s there. Guess he and I might need it now.”
Jeyou stares blankly at him, until memories of yesterday flood back to the forefront of his mind. He kissed Seongmin. In front of everyone. He kissed Minsu. “Ohhhhh fuck.” What the hell did he get himself into?
“Please don’t actually do anything freaky while Jaeyun and I are in the same room,” Jisu laughs, patting his shoulder. He doesn’t know. “There’s no hangover medicine left but you should get some eggs in you or something.”
“Where’s Seongmin?” Jeyou kicks off his blanket, wobbling to his feet. He’s not sure how he can explain this to him but he needs to at least check on him.
Jisu tries to steady Jeyou’s shaky body by grabbing his arm. “Woah, woah. He’s probably in the kitchen. Hey, take it easy!”
Jeyou isn’t sure how but he stumbles towards the kitchen area. Kyungho and Seongmin are cooking, the delicious smell of eggs and meat in the air. When Kyungho turns and sees Jeyou, he makes some excuse and disappears. Jeyou doesn’t say anything but he’s thankful.
“Good morning.” Seongmin’s bubbly as always, hovering over the eggs with his back to Jeyou. He’s wearing a goofy apron, one of 10 that their manager bought for their last cooking live. “How did you sleep?”
“My head hurts.” Jeyou shuffles right behind Seongmin, wrapping his arms around Seongmin’s waist and tucking his head over Seongmin’s shoulder. It’s natural, almost romantic when it’s just the two of them in the kitchen and the sound of eggs sizzling. For a second, Jeyou can pretend the rest of the world is gone and all he needs is the weight of Seongmin in his arms. Maybe there’s something he has to say, a foggy reminder in the back of his head, but it’s fading away further by the second.
“I can’t move, get off me.” Seongmin wriggles out of his grasp, whining the whole way with a smile on his face. “They’re for you.” Jeyou leans on the counter, watching Seongmin flip the eggs onto a plate. His head still hurts, but watching Seongmin’s brows furrow as he tries to sprinkle salt over the eggs dulls the pain.
Jeyou takes the plate, inspects it for a second, and puts it down on the counter. Seongmin looks up, confusion on his face until Jeyou closes their distance and kisses him. It’s slow but it’s lined with the intent of all the things Jeyou wants to say but can’t find the words for. He’s supposed to have the words because he’s a writer and he writes song lyrics but what he feels for Seongmin isn’t something he has the skills to put into words.
The way Seongmin’s fingers snake through his hair, tracing impossible patterns, is all the answer Jeyou needs. Jeyou pins Seongmin to the counter, not too forceful but not gentle. This is what Jeyou’s living for when Seongmin slides a leg between Jeyou’s thighs and Jeyou lets out a soft, way too embarrassing whimper—
Someone clears their throat at the doorway and Jeyou scrambles to untangle himself from Seongmin, who only smiles cheekily. “Jaeyun-hyung, you’re back!”
“We cook our meals here, do you mind?” Jaeyun huffs, a plastic bag of stuff in hand. He’s completely red and avoids eye contact with either of them. Fair enough. Jeyou’s sure he’s going to get a whole earful of it later. “Here’s some hangover medicine. Not that you deserve it for making me see that.”
Seongmin winks at Jeyou over Jaeyun’s shoulder and Jeyou feels himself turning red enough to match Jaeyun’s ears. He forgets that Seongmin has no shame.
“Did you tell Seongmin?” Minsu shuts the door behind him. Straight to the point.
“No.” Jeyou looks up from his phone, setting it down on the bed next to him. Worry swims in his stomach. It’s been two days since that day and Seongmin still has no clue. A part of Jeyou wants to say something, let Seongmin know, but when he’s facing Seongmin, with his round eyes that hold a fondness for Jeyou, just for Jeyou, the words in his mind die before they even make it to his mouth. A darker part of Jeyou wants to hide it forever.
Minsu doesn’t fret, doesn’t pace around. He sits on the bed next to Jeyou, looking up at him with serious eyes.
“You’re in love with Seongmin.” It’s not a question. Jeyou nods. He can’t meet Minsu’s eyes. “You have to tell him.”
“Why?” Jeyou whispers. He feels dirty now as if whispering like that would make his words softer, nicer to hear. “Can’t I just...” He trails off. Jeyou hates himself for even considering the prospect of lying to Seongmin, but the idea of seeing Seongmin’s heart breaking in front of him and him being the one that causes it might be worse.
“Jeyou, if you don’t tell him, I will.” Minsu’s tone is dangerous and Jeyou’s head snaps back up. His eyes are as sure as stone, more serious than Jeyou ever saw him. Minsu’s not joking, lips pulled back in a wince. “I can’t look him in the eyes. He’s my friend, Jeyou, and I can’t hide this, you can’t hide this.”
“Okay.” Jeyou swallows his pride. Deep down, he knows he should've. But he can't bring himself to make the leap, not without Minsu pushing him towards the edge of the cliff.
The opportunity doesn’t come until nighttime. There are three bathrooms for 11 people, which is still not enough, but Jeyou catches Seongmin walking out of one after brushing his teeth. Jeyou hurries over, ushering Seongmin back into the bathroom and locks the door. The only privacy they can afford.
“What’s wrong?” Seongmin’s a little worried, from the way Jeyou is pacing around the already tiny bathroom. He watches, leaning against the sink. Even in the bathroom with the door locked, Woonggi and Jaeyun’s bickering is still loud enough for them to hear.
“I need to tell you something.” Jeyou takes a deep breath. Seongmin crosses his arms and looks at him, eyes soft and too understanding. Jeyou forces himself to lock eyes with Seongmin and the words out of his throat. “Chan-hyung dared me to kiss Minsu that night and I did it.”
Seongmin’s gaze falls, eyes glittering. “Oh.”
Jeyou clenches his fist. “Minsu’s also the first guy I’ve ever kissed, almost a year ago.” A weight is lifted from Jeyou’s chest, only for a crushing force to come crashing back down in the form of Seongmin’s drooping head, his face hiding from Jeyou’s. “I wasn’t sure if I was— If I liked—”
“It’s okay, Jeyou-hyung.” Seongmin says quietly. He reaches out and holds Jeyou’s fist, unclenching his fingers for him. Out of every reaction Jeyou thought could happen, he didn’t expect this. His fingers relax when Seongmin touches them like he’s been conditioned to soften at Seongmin’s every touch. Seongmin doesn’t meet Jeyou’s eyes, retracting his hand. “Do you like him?”
He answers from the heart and he hopes Seongmin can hear it, the way he blurts the truth out. “No, I never did.” Jeyou’s hand almost reaches out to chase Seongmin’s retreating hand, but he stops himself. There’s a pause and Jeyou thinks he should fill it with something, but the words melt like ice cream on his tongue.
Seongmin doesn’t look up as he says, “Goodnight, Jeyou-hyung,” unlocks the bathroom door and slips away.
When Jeyou emerges from the bathroom, he bumps into Jisu, who gives him a raised eyebrow. “Lover’s quarrel?”
Jeyou sighs. “Kind of.” He doesn’t know half of it.
Seongmin swaps bunk with Kyungho that night and the night after that. Jeyou finds out when he walks in that night and Kyungho’s standing there, throwing his pillow onto the top bunk. He turns and stares at Jeyou with something in his gaze that puts Jeyou on edge. Like he can sense Jeyou’s nervousness and the fact that he’s hiding something.
Kyungho’s not mean or catty, but every time Jeyou looks over at him, he’s frowning at him. Disappointment and annoyance mixed into one bitter glare. The rest of the members seem mostly confused, but like every other fight around the household, nobody asks questions.
But the night after that, Seongmin comes back, sleeping in his own bunk. Jeyou takes it as a good sign. Jaeyun seems relieved, though he becomes the new target of Seongmin’s affections instead. Seongmin’s pawing at him now for attention, on the other side of the practice room. It’s been endless back hugs and Seongmin nosing at his side, right in front of Jeyou, though they’re all together so often that it’s likely just a coincidence. Normally Jaeyun would be throwing him across the room, but he just sighs and continues whatever he’s doing with Seongmin wrapped around him.
It’s fine, it’s all fine really. Seongmin can do whatever he wants, cling to whoever he wants, and Jeyou’s fine with it. It’s the nature of the job, getting used to skinship and fanservice with the others. But Jeyou knows that Seongmin stays in his own bunk at night and it’s all the reassurance he needs, even when he finds himself missing something by his side.
Jeyou realizes he’s staring a little too long, so he sinks down next to Donggeon against the wall. Donggeon passes him a water bottle and doesn’t say anything. None of the others commented on Jeyou and Seongmin’s display from that night, just giving knowing looks in their direction or in Woonggi’s case, excited giggling, but they’ve all picked up on Jeyou and Seongmin’s fight and stayed out of it. If Seongmin and Minsu talked about Jeyou, they don't show it, because they seem just as close as ever.
Donggeon looks up from his phone and gives Jeyou a silent clap on the shoulder and a smile. Fights are just fights, they happen a lot when there are 10 of them and they’ve managed to deal with it whenever it comes up. Jeyou hopes it’s the same case with Seongmin this time.
“What’s up?” Chanhyuk doesn’t even look up from his computer when Jeyou settles into the chair next to him. His fingers speed across the keys, his mouse moving frantically across the screen. He’s not one for direct confrontation, but here he is, confronting Jeyou in his own way amongst the clacking and clicking.
“Nothing.” Jeyou stares at the screen, trying to make sense of the tracks and waves on the screen. Like other great artists, Chanhyuk's thinking is indecipherable to anyone else but himself and Chihoon. Jeyou tries, but he’ll never understand. He’s also still a little pissed with Chanhyuk, even though he says he doesn’t remember most of that night.
“Jeyou, I’m still sorry.” Chanhyuk’s eyes dart over to glance at him for a moment before dropping back to his monitor. The brief look says more than his words, his eyes shy with guilt. He doesn’t expect Chanhyuk to care this much, but seeing that he was partly to blame for what happened, accepting responsibility is the least he can do. “You should go talk to—”
“We’re here to record,” Jeyou says stiffly. He half-suspects Chanhyuk called him out to record just to try and talk to him about the tension, but Jeyou only showed up to do his job. Chanhyuk doesn’t push further, keeping his eyes glued to the screen. Boundaries, boundaries.
It gets too quiet even with Chanhyuk clicking and typing incessantly. Jeyou sighs. Chanhyuk is trying, in his own way. “I’ll talk to him.”
“That’s great.” Chanhyuk turns to him with a beam, all his furious typing stopped in an instant. “You can start on vocal warmups.”
“Seongmin?” Jeyou peeks into their room.
He's tucked into his bunk, eyes closed even though the lights were still on. Seongmin's been tiring himself out for the past while, throwing himself into practice. Jeyou knows it's not just because he's been extra motivated lately. His phone lies just next to his right hand, the screen still on. Jeyou closes the door behind him and turns off the lights. In the dark, Seongmin's phone screen lights up like a beacon. Jeyou stands next to the ladder going up to the top bunk. He could go to sleep and think about it tomorrow, or go back outside and hang out with the others until he can't avoid sleep anymore. But he doesn't.
Jeyou climbs up two steps, so he's high enough that his face meets Seongmin's. His phone is still on and maybe Jeyou should turn it off but Seongmin looks serene in the soft glow.
"Seongminie," Jeyou murmurs, saving all the softness he has for Seongmin's name. He hopes that maybe Seongmin can hear him through his sleep. He wonders what Seongmin dreams about and if Jeyou's words can reach him in there and if he's in those dreams. Maybe his voice speaks through a puppet in Seongmin's subconscious.
"I'm sorry." Jeyou's not sure he has the right words but it's the only way he knows to express how he feels. A lump of disappointment and regret settles in his chest, in the empty nest Seongmin used to occupy. "I thought I had to prove something to them. I thought I had to prove I didn’t like you, but the second I— kissed Minsu, none of it mattered because all I knew then was that I wanted you. I need you and I don’t care who sees it, not anymore.”
Jeyou sighs to himself. Seongmin’s still sleeping, cheek squished against his pillow and hair splayed out around his face. Jeyou reaches out, brushing Seongmin’s cheek with the back of his fingers, light enough that maybe Seongmin could confuse it with the breeze in his sleep. “Goodnight, Seongmin.“
But before he can climb off the steps and crawl into his own bunk, Seongmin grabs his hand, holding it in place next to his face. “You’re really bad at whispering, hyung.“ His eyes flutter open, the light from his phone reflected in his eyes. He’s teasing Jeyou, but there’s something hesitant about his expression, holding back when he never does around Jeyou.
“Wait,” Jeyou fumbles, before realizing he doesn’t have to whisper anymore. A spring of panic sweeps across Jeyou’s body, but he calms when he realizes Seongmin’s still holding onto his hand. “You were awake?”
“I thought you were going to bed too, so I pretended to sleep.” Seongmin hides his face under Jeyou’s hand, eyes peeking out from behind. Jeyou almost wants to ask him what he’s hiding from because Seongmin’s hand eclipses his own small one, hiding almost nothing, and Jeyou has seen his bare face more than his face with makeup on. “I heard what you said.”
Jeyou moves their intertwined fingers away from Seongmin’s face. “And?“ He has hope caught in the back of his throat, anticipation prickling from his toes.
“I forgive you, hyung.” Seongmin lifts their intertwined hands and presses a kiss to the back of Jeyou’s hand, smiling just a little. They've had dozens of little fights and they forgive each other every time, but Jeyou can't help but let out an exhale of relief he didn't know he was holding. His eyes stay soft like they always do for Jeyou, but there are traces of wistfulness, longing, and reluctance all rolled into one. Don’t make me regret it. Then Seongmin’s eyes dart over to his phone and he releases Jeyou’s hand to turn it off, leaving both of them in the dark.
Jeyou’s about to take it as a sign to get back into his own bunk but he hears Seongmin’s blankets shift and Seongmin’s hands find both sides of his jawline in the dark and they’re kissing now, gentle and shy from both sides. Seongmin breaks away first, leaning in so that their foreheads are touching.
Jeyou wants to say so much more, to say again and again that he’s sorry, that Seongmin’s the only one he wants. He wants to tell Seongmin that he can have Jeyou however he wants, as long as he wants him. He wants to pull him closer, but he’s perched on the bunk bed ladder and if Seongmin kept leaning in, Jeyou would fall, taking both of them with him. He wants to say, You won’t.
“Let’s talk tomorrow.” Seongmin whispers, wisps of his old playfulness showing. He’s actually whispering, unlike Jeyou’s pitiful attempt. Seongmin’s fingers give both sides of Jeyou’s cheeks a pinch, before letting go. Jeyou can’t find it in himself to complain if it’s the price he has to pay for Seongmin’s forgiveness.
“Jeyou-hyung.” Jeyou blinks his eyes open. Seongmin’s crouched on top of him and his blanket, smiling wide. “Wakey wakey.”
If this is how he gets to wake up, he wouldn’t mind doing it at 5 am every day. “Hey.” Seongmin’s smile is contagious and Jeyou finds himself smiling too. Smiling himself silly.
“Get up, we have to wash up.” Seongmin nags, patting at Jeyou’s cheek. Trust Seongmin to be the one nagging first thing in the morning, hustling to get everyone washed up and dressed. Jeyou peeks over to the opposite bunk bed, which was empty. Jaeyun probably already left to record for After School Club, and he hears the sound of their bathroom shower turning on. Seongmin’s pouting now, hand still on Jeyou’s face, eyes sparkling brighter than the lights in their room.
“Five more minutes.” Jeyou pulls Seongmin in, wrapping his arms around Seongmin’s back. He squeaks, before letting himself fall into Jeyou’s side. It’s right, the way Seongmin fits back in his arms like a rabbit in its burrow. Seongmin laughs when Jeyou closes his eyes and buries his head into Seongmin’s neck and it’s loud next to his ear, vibrating across their bodies.
“Jeyou-hyung,” Seongmin whines. “We have stuff to do—” Jeyou shuts him up with a kiss, slow but full of want and all he wants Seongmin here at this moment. The past and future slip away, like there’s nothing but the present they’re living in. He doesn’t want to think about their fight, doesn’t want to think about what they have to do today, just Seongmin’s fingers playing with the hair on his nape and how his lips move in tandem with his own. He doesn’t have to worry about anything with Seongmin, not about his morning breath or his bare face, because Seongmin’s seen it all. And Seongmin’s still here.
Jeyou pulls away to bury his face into the crook where Seongmin’s neck meets his pillow. He’d keep going but sleep calls to him, lulling him away for a few more moments of sleep. Seongmin sighs, relaxing into Jeyou's arms and giving up on the nagging, at least for now. Seongmin is just going to wake him up again in a few minutes, dragging him out of bed, but it’s all worth it because Jeyou can fall asleep now with Seongmin’s fingers in his hair and his warmth in his arms.
“Love you, Seongminie.” Jeyou doesn’t stay awake long enough to hear whatever Seongmin replies to his mumbling, but he can feel it.