Chapter Text
The Deceitful side stirred his tea with a small spoon, staring into the small whirlpool he created at the center. He lifted up the beverage to his mouth, it tasted delightfully sweet. Slightly different from the sugary taste left on his tongue only a couple of moments ago, coming up for the 7th time this morning. Though, that candied flavor was starting to become bitter in his mind. Maybe tea with a couple of cubes of sugar was a bad idea to get his mind off of their lies.
Janus sighed deeply, “I’m getting worried about him again.”
“Who? Thomas?” Remus perked up with a pen in hand, squatted in front of the living room couch, “Oh ho, you better be! I’m writing a list of all the ways he can skin a cat, I cannot wait to conjure up this delightful dream! Just a lil' Tabby all mangled up with its guts hanging out! Now, I’m trying to remember all the gory, bloody details but Thomas’ extent of- well- skinning animals knowledge isn’t that deeply extreme.” Remus looked down with pity before he started to sketch something on his notebook, “Though, you know what else is deep?”
Janus didn’t even bother to look up, he just pinched the bridge of his nose and set his tea down. “Ah yes, because I would so want to know your thoughts! And yes, that idea sounds absolutely lovely, thanks for giving me more work to deal with. Causing Thomas to not sleep with nightmares about…that would surely just be the best self-care move!” Janus shot his head up and stared daggers at Remus, “Why didn’t I think of that?!” He yelled.
“Happy to be as helpful as always, Double-Dee” Remus gave a nasty grin. “But as I was saying, deep as in like my as-”
Janus rolled his eyes, “Whatever, I really don’t care. I was referring!” he popped the last syllable and walked over to stand hunched above Remus, “-to Patton, our Dear Morality. He’s been lying more than usual.”
Ever since Janus looked more into his trait as Deceit, ever so long ago when he didn’t have much better to do besides hiding in the shadows, he found out he had this… ability? Curse? He wasn’t really sure what to call it.
Whenever another side lied, he could taste something sweet on his tongue. Logan’s lies reminded him of peppermint, Roman’s of strawberry, Virgil’s was similar to dark chocolate and Patton himself reminded him of a birthday cake.
For Remus, you may ask, what was his? Janus doesn’t know, not quite sure if he’d wanna know considering it’s- the dirtiest, smelliest side in question. Remus never lied, didn’t see a reason to. So, luckily, Janus wasn’t aware.
Virgil fibbed the least, he usually fully believed his outlandish anxiety-riddled claims of “Dude, there must be poison in your soda even though it’s been sealed up until this point!” or “Oh no, what if you forgot your phone!?” despite Thomas using said device that very moment to text a friend. So those technical ‘lies’ didn’t seem to count under whatever umbrella came under this ability. However, his most common lies were his usual sayings of he didn’t actually care about the other sides, and how he, of course, couldn’t possibly love them. Truly, how sickeningly sweet of him, that his biggest lie was about his chosen family. It could make a Side gag.
Logan was after him, he was facts and figures, after all. Usually keeping to his title of Logic, he spoke truth after truth. Except, well, when it came to his feelings. He clings ever so dearly to the admittedly boring trope of robotic, intelligent characters having no emotions. But, he is human after all, or part of one- so, because of that he’ll never be able to reach his apathetic dream. Pity.
Oh the Prince, for someone with such a big ego- Roman's self-esteem is smaller than an ant at this point. He has no variety with his lies, where’s the spice? “I am not insecure!” this and, “I am incredibly confident” that. Mix it up a little, why don’t you! Maybe he is the boring twin...
And Patton… He may lie more frequently than Janus himself.
“How do you even know that? Do you have to suck one of their dick’s to find out or-” Remus questioned as he shook his writing utensil, “Do you have another pen by the way? This one’s out of ink. I guess I could conjure a pencil sharpener and stick my thumb in it, and blood is basically like ink anyways.” A sharpener appeared in his hand.
Janus snatched the device from Remus, “First of all if you can conjure that then surely, you can make another pen appear in front of you!”
“Is that really as fun? Besides-” The creative side joyfully shook his shoulders, “Annoying you is my favorite hobby!”
Janus flicked his wrist in irritation making the sharpener disappear, “I’d say annoying me and making my job more difficult may be your only hobby! Whatever, I’ve told you in the past about my power to detect when any side lies. I’d pat your head to patronize you, though, I’m afraid I’d end up with lice between my fingers.” He scrunched his face in disgust. “And it is a taste thing, but it has absolutely nothing to do with any of their genitals.”
Remus scoffed while scratching his scalp, “Excuse me, they prefer to be called my roommates! It’s my own personal symbiotic relationship.” He grinned widely.
“I totally think you know the meaning of that word.” Janus rolled his eyes, and walked back over to his forgotten tea to fidget with the spoon. “I just am worried. I was hoping after this whole wedding situation that Patton, or er- Thomas would feel better! But that can’t happen if Morality is stuck in lying central.”
“But, I bet you wish he was stuck in your lying centr-”
“Finish that sentence and I’ll cut off your tongue.”
Remus gasped with an embarrassing amount of joy, “Promise? Sounds like an interesting kink to discover!”
Janus groaned long and loud.
Remus sat up straight and looked over to the Snake. “You going on and on about Daddy Patty is getting extremely boring! Like, I get it. You wanna fuck and yet won’t share with me, your best friend, all of the juicy details. Like a prude! Just do it already and get it over with!” He crossed his arms, legs slightly bouncing.
“You aren’t my best friend. I consider you more like a troublesome co-worker if anything-”
“As your best friend!” Remus shouted, “Just admit or whatever your weird, throbbing crush on him so you can move on with your life. You have feelings for him, romantic ones- disgusting, by the way.” He leaned down and rested his elbows on the table in front of him.
“I-” Janus stammered, the human side of his face blushed a deep strawberry red. “Do not have a crush on him!”
There were a gigantic number of reasons to hate Patton! He was constantly cracking idiotic puns, even if they occasionally made Deceit crack a small smile. They both made puns after all, so that's the only reason why he was attracted to them, common ground! Or, how whenever Patton was thinking hard about something, even if it was just a simple moral question, he’d stick his tongue out a bit or tilt his head to the side. Like, some sort of cute puppy! That’s all he was some… mutt.
“Yeah, sure and I don’t absolutely adore my precious vibrators, see I can lie too!” Remus threw his arms in the air, “Didja taste your own dick there?”
Janus sighed, “I told you it’s not about d- Oh god!” He gagged a bit there, as he tasted something? Whatever it was, it tasted dreadful. Mold? It was earthy, for sure. “That was disgusting! Not even close to anything sweet at all!”
Remus’ eyes lit up, “Hmmm…” He pondered, “Maybe I should lie more, I’ll add that to my list.” He wrote down a point on the bottom of his notebook.
Now if Janus wasn’t embarrassed before-
“Look! I do not like Patton! In that way… or at all! I am simply alarmed for Thomas’ mental state and that is final!” His foot stomped on the ground like a child not getting their way,
“I am self-preservation as well! So it is only natural that I want to see Patton happy, his stupidly beautiful smile and those cute dimples of his- because it’s good for Thomas!” The end of his speech left him breathless, “Do I- I make myself clear?!”
Remus barked, “Woof- you really are down bad.” He stood up and stretched his arms behind his head, “Imma let you figure out your own denial by yourself, William Snakespeare. Good luck with that!” He waved as he sank out of the dark side’s common area.
That left Janus sitting, alone, with a flushed face and sweaty palms.
“That’s not denial, I know denial. I can’t possibly be-”