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There were moments when you're more than just overwhelmed. Especially when Saeyoung wasn't there to help you out, considering it's often the older twin who managed to get behind Saeran's walls and offer comfort in the moments old memories or emotions rose back to the surface. Luckily they not happen as much anymore, but there were still times where it hit the younger Choi like a flat hand. You didn't expect the anger to occur right before having dinner with the redhead. But he suddenly stormed out of the kitchen while hissing under his breath. It's confusing, the sudden switch from his usual flirty-self to the almost destructive attitude's causing your head to spin.
Now that he's suffering behind his walls, you're uncertain what to do. Should you call Saeyoung? But he's out with Jumin on a pretty important business meeting regarding his drink that recently came out. No way you're able to disturb them, he's gone for at least two hours. What then? Call someone else in the RFA? Unlikely that such conversations would work, since it's not very much the same to Saeran like it was to you. He saw them as good acquaintances, other than that, however, they're most likely still strangers to him. There's only one person as close to Saeran as his very own brother. And that's you. Dammit.. You sighed heavily, you're on your own for this.
There's no discussion, you needed to reach him before his anger's going to corrupt his better judgement and makes him do things he regrets. You knew these episodes well, if Saeran's left all by himself when dealing with these toxic, sometimes even suicidal thoughts, things could become nasty within the blink of an eye. Even though it's nerve-wracking, you placed down everything to walk into the living room. The dead silence's more fighting than the sound of doors being slammed shut, you realized after a second passing by. Whatever's responsible, you're praying it's nothing neither of you're not capable of handling. Your hand hovered above the doorknob, but then you decided to call his name first.
"Saeran..?"
The way your voice's quavering let the shame nag on your bones, hopefully he wouldn't mistake your nervousness for fear. Although it's not far fetched, you're not really scared of Saeran. He could be an handful, even in situations where you'd beg for him to stop and just focus on the task in front of you. But there's no way you'll actually start shivering due to fright because he's having a mental breakdown. There's no answer coming back at you, the taste of iron filled your mouth after chewing too strongly on your bottom lip. What can I say? You weren't prepared for this, never did you had to deal with this all by yourself. The knock on his door didn't let him answer either, you couldn't help but shift your weight.
"Saeran.. can I please come in?"
Again, he ignored your worry to create the illusion he's not around. Or maybe he didn't hear you, there's a lot to these episodes you didn't quite understand. Careful to not disturb his inner thoughts, you opened the door a gap wide to spy. The red hair's standing out immediately, the way his knees were pulled to his chest to hide away all of his face, though. Nails digging into his cream colored sweater. Looking so small, not like the Saeran you knew at all, it's truly heartbreaking. As much of a dick he could be when messing with you, that's nothing he deserved. While walking into the room and closing the door behind you, you realized he didn't deserve any of the pain put upon him.
"Saeran... What's wrong?"
"Go away, (N)."
It made you flinch, the detached tone of voice he's addressing you with. The fact he used your name instead of all these silly nicknames he usually called you with's enough to make your gut spin painfully. The air's thick, it's hard to breath through when walking over to his bed. No way you're leaving him alone when being this beaten, he needed comfort, no matter how badly he would deny the fact. Your eyes couldn't tear away from his nails for some reason, they're deep in the fabric, causing many wrinkles to appear.
"But you stormed out so suddenly.. Do you want to talk about it?"
Saeran just pulled his legs closer to his chest, feeling the shift of the bed after you sat down. What could you do for him? What could you say that's able to help him out of misery? Your chest's tight, the helpless feeling found it funny to suffocate your entire body without effort. Seeing him down always hurt your soul, considering you liked him. Despite the stuff he sometimes said or did, Saeran had a special place in your heart after all. Hesitant, you reached out to put your hand onto his elbow, maybe some physical contact managed to calm him. But Saeran just tensed up even more.
"Leave me alone. I.. I don't want you to see me like this."
Hot tears pricked at the corners of yours eyes after his voice broke off. He's holding back, you're aware. Oh Saeran.. All words now stuck in your throat, you could only stare at the red familiar red hair you loved to ruffle through. There's the longing for loneliness again, the one mechanism he knew since birth. Saeyoung once explained briefly that Saeran pushed people away because he's scared to get hurt or used. He didn't want others to witness his crying, it would imply they're aware of his weakness. At least that's how the older twin with glasses once justified it. But it made sense, the way Saeran pushed everyone expect you and his brother.
You sighed quietly, sitting more comfortable to rub both your hands over his upper arms. Saeran shook as he's trying not to make another sound, his body sadly betrayed that for him. He must've known, that's why he used some strength to pull away from you. Yet you're not about to play such a game, therefore you followed him until you're sitting in front of him. It took a moment to clear your throat, you wanted to make sure to sound soft and warm when he's listening.
"Hey.. It's okay. You don't have to be scared to show me. I would never judge you.."
Saeran didn't refuse as you pulled his arms down some more, he let you continue all the way until you're seeing his face again. It robbed your breath by how hard he held back tears, you couldn't imagine the pain it caused. You're just grateful he let you in that easily, otherwise this would've been a total nightmare to get through. You smiled, even when he's successfully avoiding eye contact. Maybe some emotions from years ago came back up at the wrong moment, nothing you couldn't help him with. Saeran's body's weak as you pushed down his knees. Before he's having the time to question your actions, you straddled his sides to sit in his lap. The little gasp of his was uncharacteristically cute.
You slowly placed your arms around his shoulders, pulling him to your chest and make him feel your warmth. You're there, you wouldn't go anywhere without him. The younger Choi should know that you're never going to judge him, let alone laugh at his tears. The fingers that clinged onto his own clothes moments before now repeated the same motion with yours. Saeran's nails digged into your shirt to make sure you couldn't escape his grip. The little whimper that's followed by the sob's all you heard before he broke down in silence. Which surprised you, even when reaching a low point, he's not loud whatsoever. It hurt to think that it's the effect of years being scolded at for crying.
You rubbed his back, hushing into his hair when plastering a little kiss to his temple. His body's shaking and burning at the same time, the little sounds he's incapable to suppress had you cry tears yourself. Man.. You pulled him tighter into the embrace, you didn't want him to hurt anymore. He'd been painful for most of his life, you hoped one day he could leave it all behind. If he needed assistance in that, you're willing to lend an helping hand. After some torturing minutes, Saeran found the stability to breath through. Weight fell off your shoulders, relief filling your chest and replacing that suffocating tension from before. Thank God, you managed to help him.
"Sorry.. I'm just a bit stressed."
He apologized, voice used up as he buried his face into the crock of your neck. It's making sense now that you thought about it, Saeran lately dealt with the RFA and the upcoming party a lot. And then the conversatios, or rather the arguments with Saeyoung because of the drink. Seems like that had been too much after all. A light huff escaped your lips by that, just like the smile that crept over your face. His sent still so sweet when reaching your nose, it always took over your other senses somehow.
"No need to apologize. It's okay, you feel better?"
"I can manage. Nothing to worry about."
That's not the answer you hoped to receive. Your fingertips tickled when running through his chaotic hair, playing with the strands for a moment. His small sigh helped to close your eyes and entirety focus on him. He's stressed from the current events, was there something you could do for him? Should you make him a warm tea? While your thoughts circled around his wellbeing, it shoot a thick layer of blush over your cheeks as he pulled you even closer. Saeran hummed softly into your neck, it's sending a shiver down your spine. Oh no.. You're aware he didn't do it on purpose for once, but damn this felt similar to his usual teasing. His big hands kept your chest close to his.
Maybe.. You tried to see the part of his face which's not hidden in your neck. Would he like that..? The blush increased drastically, it's such a forbidden thought in such an intense situation. But you knew Saeran, there might be a way to help him cope with the stress. Just thinking about it let the embarrassment creep back into your system, almost like you're cringing. God, the effect he's having on you's inhumane. However, this wasn't about you. Only one time would be okay, it's not a routine, nor did you have the intentions to make it one. Although it's wrong and chasing blood up your ears, you couldn't help but feel a little bit excited. If he would allow you, it could help him out.
"Hey.. d-do you.. want me to help you release s-stress..?"
You asked in the meek voice you never had the strength to keep firm. Dammit-! He's not even doing anything, on the contrary, he's probably hurt at the moment. And you still behaved this way, what's just wrong with you. Saeran pulled away, his minty eyes finally back to the way you're used to. You started wiggling under his stare, like he's looking for a hint of hesitation or even betrayal. With your heart stuck in your throat, you couldn't repeat the offer again, either. Just why were you such an embarrassed mess? Somehow Saeran must've figured, a slight grin formed on his face as he broke the eye contact to instead gaze at the blanket of the bed. You thanked him quietly because it let you breath through.
"Thanks, but you don't have to. You can go and finish the food, if you like. I just lay down for a bit."
Your grip around his neck loosened, he looked oddly genuine. I don't understand.. Normally he would've used that opportunity shamelessly and make a living puddle out of you. Instead he did the opposite, he didn't want to? That's unlike Saeran. Although he said it's fine to leave, thinking about going back now's somehow cashing slight panic through your veins. Was he too tired now? Not in the mood after a breakdown? Why were you trying to doom yourself even though you're having the chance to get away without shame damaging your pride? You couldn't understand and frowned confused.
"You don't– You don't want to..?"
"That's not it.. But you don't have to push yourself just because I'm down, princess."
There, the nickname that let the tingling feeling inside your chest reach into the stomach. Saeran stared up to you after resting his chin on your shirt. Such soft eyes, such a lovely facial expression you could've cried over by how cute he looked. Unfair. He's so considerate now, it actually caught you off guard. You felt it's not fair towards him, since he's always respectful when reaching the limit. With his arms still around your body, he offered a little, real smile to ease the tornado inside your head.
"Thank you for helping me, though. Have fun preparing the food."
Although he tried to move away to let you stand back up, you didn't give him the chance. Saeran's voice escaped a small confused noise when you pulled him back to your chest. That's not fair..! You bit the inside of your cheek. It's not fair of him to mess with your head so many times and then back out once you offer actual respond. Besides, maybe there's a tiny part of your soul that didn't want to back out all the time. He's good at teasing and making a flustered mess out of you, sure. But why couldn't you return that favor once? Your fingers trembled as you let them trail down his chest without words. You don't play fair Saeran...
You're grateful for him to not point out, you're unsure how far your boldness would reach once he's interrupting the silence. Instead, you pressed your forehead to his temple, using the change of temperature as support to keep your fast heartbeat under control. Saeran lifted one hand to stroke it over your side, you're certain it's some kind of comfort. He's so warm.. You parted your lips to leave a little kiss on his skin. The way his body responded by pulling you back down almost tore a squeak out of your throat.
"It's.. You d-do this to me.. all the time.. I-It's my turn."
There's no confidence behind that whatsoever, it's really pathetic. You wished you could curse yourself sometimes. Saeran didn't say anything, he let you push up some of his shirt and tanktop to touch his belly. The way he flinched under your fingertips's nice, almost addicting if you would've dared to think. Your hair fell over your eyes when watching his belt come undone by the clumsy state your hands were in. It's impressive you're capable to hold anything at all by how badly they shook. The excitement suddenly ran down your back, thinking about the incident at the beach. The phone call and all these times where he pushed you over the edge. You could feel his breath begin to hitch as you opened his pants.
"Wait-!"
You gasped startled as he suddenly yelled out, grabbing your wrist to keep it in place. After meeting his glare, it costed you lots of willpower to not whimper with the dark shimmer covering these bright minty eyes.
"Are you sure you want to do that? You're shaking.."
The cheeks of yours heated up with a different kind of wamrth, one that's too immense to deny anymore. One you're not very proud of. Great. How did you manage to fall for Saeran from all people, this wasn't fair. But then again, nothing he ever did to you had been. You nodded, looking at him through your eyelashes once he brushed the hair behind your ear. His touch's slow, nothing of the usual fire. Passion? Need? To this day you're unsure how to identify it. With your left hand, you pulled his pants down some more.
"I w-want to.. Just– show me what t-to do. Okay? Cause I don't... I don't know."
You whispered, like it's such a big confession even though Saeran knew better than anyone else you're the most inexperienced person when it came to sex. He hummed, letting you take off his pants and helping you sit up for them to land somewhere onto the floor. You'd never seen him naked before, nor in underwear. He's the one that had seen your body completely exposed. He'd been the one who touched you and made you fall over the edge. But now that it's your turn, you couldn't help but glow as red as a traffic light. Unfair. How's he capable to not feel embarrassed when seeing your naked skin? When it's quite impossible for you? All of this just wasn't fair.
"O-Oh.. um.."
You swallowed the tension when seeing he's already getting hard. Have you even done anything? What the hell? You looked up to him to find the answer in his face, instead you're hit with an heart attack to see the grin, that's never good news, come back to life. Oh no I'm screwed aren't I– He took your wrist again, this time he placed his own fingers around yours to cup his erection. That's new, that's really not what you expected him to do.
"Like that, darling. I'm not made out of glass."
"Eh, um.. o-okay.. But.. why are you already l-like that?"
His back jerked away from the wall when you tested what exactly he'd been referring to. Not made out of glass? You just didn't want to accidently hurt him. But it's your very own curiosity that made you squeeze for a moment. A silent gasp left you, you didn't expect that reaction. It got you wondering, what's there about Saeran to discover when it came to these deeper desires? What kind of sounds would he make? The voice change, maybe becoming lower than it already was? All the imaginations didn't make it easier to focus on his answer.
"Hehe.. Feeling good about yourself? Y-You know that's your doing."
"But.. I didn't d-do anything..?"
"You don't have to. It's enough when you sit down on my lap, you know."
A little "oh" fell from your lips, were you amazed? Should you feel proud of that? How did any of this work? You shook your head free from the questions and instead looked down to your hand slowly massaging the bulge in his underwear. It's a new sound when his breath's cut short and hear the heavy sighs fill the room, all coming from him. Did it feel that good already? How good could you make him feel once you get an hand for these kind of things? The pun's unintentionally, you almost choked on spit. This man's going to be the death of you one day. Saeran leaned his head back against the wall, eyes showing a lot at the same time, also quite new to see his face unravel with pleasure like that.
Somehow with his eyes on you, it send a wave of lust over your body. You rubbed your thumb over the tip, you could tell where it was because of the slight wet spot in the fabric. Saeran hissed, you watched both his hands taking fistful of the sheets. That's hot, what the hell? Man.. Unfair. You hooked one finger underneath the boxer to pull. However, you stopped midway, not sure how to gather the courage once he's half naked. Seeing him like that? And required to touch him? How should you survive that embarrassment. Before you're able to sink into thoughts, Saeran helped you take the burden off both you and him.
"Here.. I show you first."
You pulled your hand away, rubbing your fingers against each other to keep the nervousness in check. Saeran pulled the last layer down to add it to the pants on the floor, but as he met your red face, he raised an eyebrow in confusion. Oh shit.. Oh shit, you weren't ready for this. Why did you insist on doing this when feeling scared to just look? Maybe Saeran needed help for the way he teased you, but you needed just as much help for your way too high shame level. The man with red hair titled his head by your stare, blinking away the awkward tension only you seemed to breath in.
"Are you okay? We can stop if you want."
That's enough to bring you back to reality, rubbing your cheek in hopes the blush would die down. You breathed through, feeling frustrated with yourself. You'd been the one offering this, no way you're going to back out again. Besides, Saeran's in need of stress relief, he did this to you before, how much different could it be once the hand's switched? Relax, you dramatic bitch.. You insulted yourself, hearing him call out your name even softer than before. Probably to find out if you're fine, instead you placed one hand over his eyes. The back of his head hit the wall with a tad too much strength, he didn't complain though. You couldn't do it when he's looking, but maybe like this.
You rubbed your legs against each other before looking down, it's not like you haven't seen a naked boy before. Education, stupid videos of your friends, there's nothing you didn't know. Still. You could feel your breath stay stuck in the back of your throat after gazing down at him. Saeran's.. tender.. You frowned to yourself, he's not looking like you expected. By the big talk, you expected some size that might tear you apart once inside. That's not the case. He's not small or anything, actually, he looked kinda good. Wow.. Now that you're staring, somehow you couldn't tear your eyes off him. The veins and the red tip caught your attention next.
The V line of his hips went down all the way until his pelvis changed the outline more with his bones covered by pale, white skin. Oh god– You flinched after you caught yourself staring. At this point you're just happy Saeran decided to be silent for once, otherwise you're unsure if you could've done this. The heat of his face's making your fingers self-aware, you knew he's patiently wanting. For words? Actions? When seeing half of his face, lips slightly parted, the sudden urge to kiss him came over you. Saeran sucked in air once your lips met his, closing the gap in between when tasting the ice cream he had earlier on his mouth. His hand felt comfortable in your hair as he ran his fingers through them. You sighed into the kiss before pulling away.
"S-Sorry.. I can't l-let you look at me."
Saeran shook his head, the hair tips tickling your skin for a moment. You let him pull you back into the lap, close enough you could feel the erection pressing against your thigh. Oh my god I'm going to hell.. Both of you gasped lightly by the contact, yet you're unable to take away the hand. No way you could let him watch you do this.
"It's fine.. Want me to show you now?"
You hummed weakly, praying you wouldn't back out again. The way his voice's gone due to the pleasure's almost too much to handle. Saeran allowed you to take away the sense of seeing before cupping your cheek with one hand and use the other to start storking his cock.
"H-Here.. like that."
Even though it took a lot of concentration, you looked down to memorize his movements. Now that's a sight for itself, the sound of skin on skin's something you never heard before either. Oh.. It looked easier than when doing things to yourself, all he did's moving his hand up and down. You should be able to get that done right. Hopefully. Saeran's temperature increased against your hand, you stopped him afterwards.
"Okay.. Let me try."
Nothing more than a whisper left, you pulled away his hand. But Saeran took your wrist, bringing it to his lips for a kiss. Your heart skipped a beat by the affection he showed you with such a simple gesture.
"Let me help for now. Spit into your hand."
"I'm... What? Excuse me?"
Saeran chuckled by the bewildered tone of yours, the grin giving him back the sassy attitude you're more familiar with than you liked. You asked yourself several questions before he found air again to speak and not just laugh at your offended voice.
"You can't do it dry. It will hurt."
Ah, okay.. guess that makes sense. You nodded, which he couldn't see. Doing as he said, regardless how disgusting it felt. Saeran placed his fingers back around yours, somehow your adrenaline shoot through the roof then. His skin's burning once he put your hand around him, it's hard. Obviously. You shook your head in shame by the stupid thought process you had when touching him for the first time. Saeran's arms soon were covered in goosebumps as he could feel the smaller hand of yours on him. You watched the man with minty eyes lick over his lips before slowly getting you familiar with the skin under your hand move along the trusts. You felt his body shiver once you squeezed again.
Saeran didn't say a word once he let go, going back to grab the sheets for dear life. You wanted to see more, somehow. That's why you pushed the sweater higher to reveal more of his belly, pale skin just as beautiful as ever, it's unfair how pretty the younger Choi was. That feels.. so weird.. You could feel him twitch and the pulse when going up and down the same speed he'd used when doing it himself. Saeran's head leaned back again before huffing heavily.
"You.. You can play with the speed. J-Just don't press too hard."
That raw volume made you whine in the back out involuntarily. Damn this young man with red hair for being such a dirty devil, and even more so for getting you attached. You rubbed your thumb back over the tip, getting the precum away before going down until meeting his shaft. Saeran's body's unusual sensitive as his chest raised rapidly from that single movement alone. But if it wasn't a good look for him, these bright red cheeks matching with his hair. Lips wet when licking over them again and again as his throat's tearing apart by the low noises he couldn't repress. He really had it all, not only when giving you pleasure. Again, his breath hitched when you became faster than before.
"F-Fuck.. Fuck, I love this.."
You smiled slightly when going slower again, hearing him growl low. You couldn't believe how hard it had been to ignore your own arousal, considering the spot between your legs demanded attention as well. But this was all about him, maybe next time. His words got you hooked up, almost scary how good he's at making you crave more.
"Is.. Is it o-okay? It can't be that great.. I don't k-know what I'm doing."
"Do you.. Do you know for how long I wanted you t-to touch me? Hah– shit.. It's fucking amazing.."
The confession chased the blush back into your ears, looking down to him coming closer to his breaking point. For so long, huh.. It's true, Saeran played these silly games for a long time by now, you never considered that's also for how long he imagined your hands on his body. The guilt that bored through your chest made you go faster again, hearing him gasp in respond with his back aching slightly. That's why he's so sensitive. That's why he got hard so quickly, now it made all much more sense. Why did you never ask for it? By how long he bared it just with own imagination, it must've been frustrating for sure. Yet he not once pointed it out, never prioritized his own release. Why did he never said anything?
"(N), fuck.. A bit faster.."
Hearing him moan your name that way made you obey immediately. You slowly took your hand from his hands, they stayed closed though as Saeran's too busy drowning in the friction of your hand's movements. Pretty. He looked as wild as you always pictured him, with his hair a chaos and the small layer of sweat running down his face. The arousal he's giving off's hitting you hard, making you constantly rub your legs together for a bit of release yourself. This was dangerously attractive, maybe you would be fine doing this again sometime. Saeran's hands let the sheets go to grab your shirt instead, you gasped once more as he pulled you closer against his body. Before you knew, his mouth's back on yours.
The kiss's desperate, different from what you're used to get when being with Saeran. His tongue ran over your lips and you allowed him entrance without much fight. His hands reached up to keep your head in his grip, unwittingly pulling on your hair when feeling him twitch and flinch more often. He's close, you could tell. All of him's addicting, the sent that filled the entire room, his body that's moving with your hand, the voice of his that let moans slips here and there and now his tongue in your mouth. No wonder people described things like these as hot and messy, it fit perfectly. Saeran broke the kiss to breath air, keeping your head against his as he's holding back another growl.
"Don't stop, baby– ngh.. I-I'm really fucking close.."
You couldn't say anything even if you wanted to, that's too much. Instead you felt him shiver in your hand when keeping the speed constant, it took only so much more for him to lose himself in the pleasure. It surprised you when he whined your name right beside your ear, that's now forever craved into your memory. Fucking hell Saeran-! You bit your lip to not comment on it and felt your hand getting dirty shortly afterwards. The white texture different from what you expected, hitting not only your fingers but also his lower stomach. Oh.. You could never admit it, but that somehow looked really nice. It's quite hilarious to feel him become soft in your hand again, you stopped as he pushed your shoulder with remaining strength.
For once the tables had turned, it felt kinda good to know you made a flustered mess out of him. The way his face's realxing now, hair sticking to his skin due to sweat, you leaned back in to kiss him. He's so handsome. He's so damn good at his games, why were you the victim. Saeran melted into your kiss, chest on chest as he placed his arms back around you. Making you feel safe. It put a smile on your face by how quickly he's panting. The smell of sex's hanging thick in the air, you would open his window once you're leaving. None of you pulled away at first, sadly you gave in as breathing became difficult. Unable to see his eyes, you stared down to the mess you'd made. He looked different now.
"Did– Did that help..?"
Saeran smiled tired, touching your cheeks with his fingertips and carefully bringing you back up to make eye contact. The spit stayed stuck in your throat with that bright shimmer glittering, drowning out any bad thoughts he had beforehand. You could feel your heart melt for him the countless time. Damn Saeran.. It's not as angry as you wished, more like some affectionate insults.
"You're so cute.. Thank you, lovely."
For once, you didn't have a bad gut feeling when he's complimenting you. There's a soft note to his being now, something relieved and maybe even secure. That's why you didn't let the embarrassment take over, you just returned the smile shyly.
"Glad it helped you, Saeran."