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Abby knew that Lexie had done this before.
She knew because it wasn’t a real secret, but one spilled at boring college parties because Lexie wanted to impress someone, or when they were out and it was late and she was bored and wanted attention, or when she just wanted to make a point. It was a secret until Lexie could use it to get something she wanted, upon which it just became a fact.
Abby knew that Lexie had done this before, but in a distant way that didn’t involve her.
“It would be fun.” Lexie said, from where her head was resting in Abby’s lap. Her dark curls were squished up against Abby’s legs, undoubtedly tangling worse and worse as the seconds passed. “Trust me.” She was hugging a pillow to her chest, but she reached up with one hand to bat Abby’s book away regardless. “I would know.
“I trust you.” Abby said automatically, because it was, of course, true. “But also, no. I’m working.”
“You’re working.” Lexie said, only being slightly bitchy about it. “That’s the only reason?”
They were sober enough for it not to seem that serious and relaxed enough for Abby to just roll her eyes. “We’re not making out, Lexie.”
She didn’t answer and Abby let a few pages of her book pass by before she glanced down again. Lexie had lost the lazy cheerfulness that she had had when she’d first fallen onto Abby’s lap after dinner, declaring with a laugh that she was sick of having to be around men all day. She wasn’t saying anything, but Abby knew she was annoyed. Lexie was outgoing and charming enough that nobody ever really told her no.
Abby reached down, resting her hand in Lexie’s hair. “We can still hang out though. Just, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.” She said, trying to get back the easy comfortableness they normally had.
“Okay.” Lexie pushed Abby’s hand away and pulled herself up, head narrowly avoiding knocking against Abby’s book. “I’m going to go find Rafe.”
Abby set the book down, giving her an unamused look. “Lexie.”
Lexie didn’t answer, just calling out to Rafe to ask where he was, disappearing with hardly a look back. Like the entire conversation they’d just had had never happened.
Abby rolled her eyes again. Really, she just felt bad for Justin.
-
The next time, they were more than wasted enough for it to seem like a good idea.
“You’ve never kissed a girl.” Rafe said, sounding doubtful. “Never even thought about it.”
“I didn’t say that.” Abby said indignantly. She glanced over at Lexie. She’d had her hair in ridiculous looking pigtails, which had only become more absurd as one slowly sank farther and farther down the side of her head. It was incredibly Lexie and sort of endearing. “How did we end up on this subject matter, anyway?”
“Lexie was making fun of me.” Justin said, pulling a face like he was hurt but they could all tell it wasn’t genuine.
Lexie just stuck her tongue out. “Having a crush on Daniel made you deserve it.”
“I think I resent that.” Daniel said.
And the topic was gone as quickly as it had come, Rafe’s attention off of Abby and back to picking at Justin and also Daniel, who had roped himself into the discussion. Before long, the fire in the fireplace had almost burnt itself out and everyone was going to bed, Rafe having drifted off to sleep sprawled out across the couch and Daniel having just left, following Justin’s earlier example.
“Guess we’re the last left.” Lexie sat down next to Abby, bumping their knees together. “It’s like living with a bunch of senior citizens.”
Abby didn’t push Lexie away when she leaned on her shoulder. It was cold and Lexie was warm and the feeling of her right there was familiar and...it was nice. “It’s almost two in the morning.”
“Is it?” Lexie squinted at the clock across the room. “Oh. Nevermind.”
Abby laughed, quickly covering her mouth and glancing at Rafe. He didn’t move. “He’s going to complain tomorrow about us leaving him to sleep out here.” She said dryly.
“Fuck him.” Abby gave her a look . “No, I’m not - ew, Abby. Ew.”
It was probably because of that last glass of wine Daniel had handed her, but this seemed like a good transition into the topic they’d been skirting around for the past few days. “Hey, about the other night.”
An expression Abby couldn’t quite place flitted across Lexie’s face before she dramatically rolled her eyes. “Come on, don’t worry about it.”
“Lex -”
Lexie clearly wasn’t listening. She took her head off of Abby’s shoulder, a weight that she immediately missed, and rested her chin on her knees. If Abby hadn’t known better, if she hadn’t known that Lexie would never, Abby would have said that the light of the dying fire reflecting off of Lexie’s eyes made it look like she was going to cry.
“I want to try it.” Abby said, before she could think about it too much and change her mind.
Lexie didn’t look up, but she got very very still. Abby couldn’t even see her breathing. “Because of Rafe?”
“No,” Abby said, and she was surprised by how much she meant it. “Because of you.”
That got more of a reaction. Lexie sat up properly turned towards her. The light of the fire still concealed most of her face, but Abby didn’t think she looked like she was crying anymore. “Okay.”
Abby couldn’t tell if it happened slowly or all at once, but it felt like the next time she blinked, Lexie's lips were already pressed against hers.
Abby had hardly had time to breathe before moving into the house, let alone date, so the only comparison she had was Daniel. Lexie’s was, for one, softer. Smoother, anyway. Abby could taste her chapstick, fruit punch or something. Lexie, hand clutching Abby’s knee, sucked gently at her lower lip. Abby could feel the slight pressure of her teeth when she did it.
Abby brought up her hand to touch Lexie’s cheek, because it felt right. Lexie stilled for a second, probably out of surprise or because Abby’s hands were cold, but then Abby could feel her mouth curve into a smile.
It wasn’t, Abby thought, terribly long before she pulled away to breath. Lexie was staring at her, and for a second she looked entirely unguarded. In that moment, Abby didn’t think that she would have been able to recognize her if she saw her somewhere else.
But Lexie blinked and her face went back to normal. “Wow.” She blinked a few more times, and shot Abby an easy smile. “That was fun, yeah?”
Fun. She tossed that out like it was easy. “I’m not -” Abby’s voice caught, in a way she resented.
“Me neither.” Lexie said it like it was a matter of fact. She yawned and pushed herself up off the ground. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”
Abby felt like she should have asked her to stay, but she wasn’t sure if Lexie would have said yes. She wasn’t sure if she wanted her to or not. “Goodnight,” she said instead.
-
Another time, they were in Abby’s room.
Another time. This was supposed to be a one time thing, something to have done just to have done it. Except Daniel was distant a lot of the time, and Abby was lonely sometimes, and the Rafe-Justin-Lexie thing was such a mess that adding Abby into the mix couldn’t hurt. Or at least that’s what Lexie insisted when Abby brought it up between the stacks in the library. And Abby hadn’t protested that logic, mostly because Lexie had immediately kissed her again so she was a little distracted.
Anyway.
They were in Abby’s room, stretched out on her bed. Abby was working on restitching one of the seams on a doll dress she’d found in one of the spare rooms and she had actually thought that Lexie had been asleep, until she batted her with her foot.
Abby looked up, but barely. She didn’t want to lose her place. “Yes?”
“I’m bored.” Lexie only had her eyes partially cracked open, still sunk deep into one of Abby’s pillows. Her nose ring glittered against her skin, taking Abby right back to when she’d gotten it done and insisted that Abby hold her hand for moral support. That memory rising to the surface softened the tone of her response quite a bit.
“Don’t you have reading you’re supposed to be doing?” Abby set the dress aside though, which was more telling than any words she could have used.
Lexie grabbed her hand and pulled her closer. This was starting to get familiar. Abby didn’t think she was ever going to be able to associate that chapstick with anything else.
“I’m meeting with my advisor tomorrow.” Lexie said casually, in between. “I’ll have to stay late.”
“Okay. You should tell Justin. He’ll probably stay to drive you home.”
Lexie made a soft noise of agreement, but otherwise they lapsed back into silence. Lexie’s hand was already resting on Abby’s knee, but it started to drift up her thigh and Abby let it happen. She’d stop it, eventually, but for now, it wasn’t hurting anyone.
Except.
“Hey, Abby, have you seen -”
“Fuck, Justin, don’t you knock?” Before Abby had even processed what was happening, Lexie had reached for a pillow and thrown it in the general direction of the door.
“Hey!” Justin dodged and it slammed against the door frame. “What the hell?”
Abby glanced at Lexie. She didn’t look embarrassed - Lexie almost never looked embarrassed - but she looked mad. And something else too. It wasn’t an emotion Abby knew. “Why is so hard to get any fucking privacy in this place?” And she scrambled up off the bed, not looking at Abby or Justin, not even when she pushed past him to get through the door. She made an effort to look casual, though, when she turned back. “Justin.” Abby could tell she had to work for an even tone, but she did land solidly on neutral. “I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon. Can you wait after for me?”
For a second Abby thought Justin wasn’t going to answer. She could only see the back of his head, but she could see Lexie. She thought, maybe, there was something vaguely panicked behind her eyes. Abby didn’t know why. It was just Justin.
“Okay.” He said, finally. And then Lexie left. Abby could hear her footsteps on the stairs, echoing loud enough that Rafe and Daniel could probably hear them in the kitchen.
“God,” Abby got up and went to grab the pillow from where it lay sadly against the wall. “That was dramatic.”
Justin looked sad, but Abby couldn’t tell who for.
“What?” She said, probably a bit more aggressively than she meant to. She just. She couldn’t deal with Justin and his everything right now.
“Nothing.” Justin’s arms snaked up to wrap around his chest. “Be careful.”
“With what?” He just gave her a look. “It’s just for fun,” She said. “Everything’s under control; I promise.” He didn’t move from the doorway. “It’s not like I’m in love with her or anything.”
“I know.” That didn’t seem to do anything to make him feel better. But at least he left. Abby picked her doll dress up, and went back to fixing the seam.
-
“Hey!” Abby leaned against the wall as Lexie pulled the jacket. It was late, but Rafe had been tapping out overly complex pieces with the feel of something familiar but never quite anything she could place on the piano and Daniel had been telling a story about one of his students’ attempt to fake their way through a report on Le Morte D’Arthur that had made Justin laugh so hard he nearly cried, and the brightness that permeated every part of the house made her feel bold. “Can I come with you? We can, you know.” She left the end off, grinning at Lexie instead.
“Um.” Lexie bit her lip, looking back to where the other three were still talking. Abby frowned. There was no way that they would have been able to hear them over the piano and besides, Lexie had never cared much about what other people did or did not overhear. “I don't think that’s a good idea right now.”
“C’mon, Lex.” She reached out to grab Lexie’s hand, small inside the sleeve of the jacket. “They won’t miss me, just for a little bit.”
Lexie pulled her hand away, not roughly, not enough to be aggressive about it, but Abby’s hand still fell cold back to her side. “Is everything okay?” She asked hesitantly.
Lexie wouldn’t look at her. “I want to go by myself.”
“Lex -”
She jerked back around. “I want to go by myself, okay?” Rafe hit a sour note on the piano, and the noise from the other room abruptly stopped.
“Just go back with them.” Lexie’s voice dropped low again, now that they definitely had an audience. The panicky look was back in her eyes.“Tell them I’m going to buy cigarettes. Hasn’t it been awhile since you’ve crawled into Danie’s bed?”
“What the fuck, Lexie?” She had aimed to hurt, but Abby was mostly just confused. Any warmth had been sapped out of the room and she automatically wanted to look to make sure that the door hadn’t blown open, but she knew it hadn’t. It was just Lexie doing it. “Okay. Whatever. Have a nice walk.”
Lexie, she thought, had been picking for a fight and when she didn’t get one, she deflated a bit, sinking down deeper into the jacket. It hadn’t escaped Abby’s notice that she had been holding onto it like a piece of armor this whole time, to protect her from what, though, she wasn’t sure. “I’m sorry.”
Abby just passed her her wallet from where it had been left sitting on the table. She could hear the conversation cautiously resume in the other room. “Okay.”
-
When Lexie came back, after she got hurt, she didn’t flirt with her anymore. She didn’t touch her for too long, or look at her differently from how she looked at anyone else, or drag her into corners or behind the library stacks. Abby got it, and she didn’t think she was upset about it. When she found out, she wasn’t sure if she was relieved or not. Wasn’t sure if it made her feel better, that she hadn’t been the one who fucked it up, somehow. Unless, which she tried not to think about too much because it made something inside of her feel horribly hollow, what had happened between the two of them had been what had made Lexie - Grace, she guessed - do it to begin with. It wasn’t like she was in love with her. But still.