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Sirius had never really been a great sleeper. As a kid, he would lay awake listening to the faint chatter and laughing of his parents’ guests downstairs. Of course, Sirius and Regulus had been expected to appear at dinner and make a good impression, but they were sent to bed soon after so the adults could talk without being overheard. He didn’t really care what they were talking about- he only wished they would do it more quietly so he could sleep.
Over the years, he got used to being awake at night. He would sit by the window, eyes finding the familiar constellations he had been taught about since he was young. Even when he left for Hogwarts, Sirius would spend a few nights a week in the window staring up at the sky. It wasn’t until second year that he woke up to his own screams, fighting off the invisible nightmare that plagued him after a letter from his family. That night, twelve-year-old Remus crawled into his bed for the first time. He had come over to wake Sirius, but stayed when he saw his friend needed comfort.
Within a month, this became common. Neither boy ever slept alone anymore, though they tended to rotate between whose bed they slept in. Sirius would fall asleep with his back pressed up against Remus’s, forced to touch from the small size of the bed. But he would wake up wrapped in the boy’s arms, breathing in Remus’s calming scent and feeling his steady breath gently rustling his curls. Neither ever spoke about this, each afraid their words would end the silent agreement. But Sirius rarely sat awake at the window anymore, preferring to sleep wrapped with Moony. His Moony.
Tonight, though, Sirius laid awake in his bed as he had almost every night for the past three months. He still couldn’t adjust to sleeping alone and Moony’s bed was no longer open, since he accidentally told Severus Snape about the whomping willow. Well, about the secrets the willow helped hide. Sirius laid there, his mind spiraling with shame and hatred for himself and his actions.
He heard a small moan from the bed to his left and his stomach dropped as he immediately recognized what was happening. It was the night after a full and Remus was having a nightmare. This sound was deeply familiar to Sirius. But what was not familiar was the inability to go to him, to comfort him, to wake him with tender touches and gentle reminders that he was loved and safe. Sirius couldn’t even count the number of times he had woken with Remus flinching beside him in the bed, held captive by a nightmare. Sirius would card his fingers through Remus’s hair, cover his face in gentle kisses, and murmur comforting words until the younger boy woke up. But not tonight. Tonight, Sirius was forced to stay frozen in place, miserable.
“Somebody help him!” Remus’s voice cut through the dark, pulling Sirius into an even deeper bundle on his bed. He pulled his knees up to his chest, struggling to keep his own breathing steady. James would take care of him like he always did. Wake up, James. Wake up, Sirius silently pleaded.
“SIRIUS!” Remus’s voice called out, pulling the older boy to the edge of his bed in a moment. He pulled his curtains apart, his feet dropping to the cold stone floor before he saw James and Peter staring back at him, wide-eyed. Every fear Sirius held was reflected back on their faces. They stared at each other until Remus’s broken voice and thrashing movements pulled their attention back to the curtained bed.
“SIRIUS!” HE called again and Sirius felt something inside him break at the sound of that voice, of his name on those lips.
“Do something!” Sirius commanded at James, who didn’t move.
“He’s calling for you!” Peter pointed out.
“He doesn’t- its just a dream, he doesn’t-“ Sirius started again, unsure why the other two boys hadn’t moved to wake Remus from the nightmare holding him captive. James still just stared back at him, wide-eyed, unsure how to respond.
“Fine!” Sirius snapped and reached for the curtains, pulling them apart gently. If possible, his heart broke even more at the sight of Remus. The sheets were tangled at the foot of the bed and his face was covered in tears as he thrashed on the bed, unable to pull himself from the dream.
“Remus, wake up,” Sirius placed a gentle hand on his arm, but Remus yanked it away frantically in his still-sleeping state. The older boy reached out again, this time holding Remus’s shoulder and trying to shake him awake. ”Remus, it’s a dream. Wake up.” Still, nothing. Sirius turned back to James for guidance, but the boy only urged him to continue.
“SIRIUS!” Remus screamed again, his voice raw from last night’s transformation.
“I’m right here, Re.” Sirius abandoned all restraint and moved to kneel on the bed beside Remus. “You’re okay, Remus. Wake up, please. Wake up.” Sirius’s own eyes were spilling over with tears at the sight in front of him. Each one of Remus’s sobs tore through Sirius in a way he didn’t think possible. “Wake up, Remus. Please,” He cried out again into the darkness, trying his best to pull Remus from the hell he was going through right now.
“Sirius!” Remus gasped awake, scrambling back on the bed away from Sirius, eyes still wide and frantic. Sirius did the same, backing off of Remus’s bed and across the stone floor until he felt the back of his legs press against his own bed. Remus’s breathing was quick and unsteady and Sirius could tell he was still pulling himself out of the nightmare. They locked eyes for a fraction of a second before Sirius drug his away and back to the ground, unsure how Remus would react.
“Pads,” Remus whispered the name and threw himself off of the bed and wrapped his arms around Sirius, holding him close and burying his face in Sirius’s neck. “You’re okay,” the younger boy choked out. Sirius froze. Remus was hugging him.
“I’m fine. I’m fine, Remus. It was a dream. It was just a dream.” Sirius stuttered out, wrapping his arms gingerly around Remus. He could feel hot tears streaking down his neck from where Remus was pressed against him, but Sirius didn’t dare move. He breathed in Remus’s familiar scent as he held the boy, trying to calm him from the nightmare. Remus clung to Sirius so tightly it hurt.
“I thought you were dead,” Remus sputtered between sobs. “I thought I lost you.”
“You’re okay now, Remus.” Sirius whispered back, still shocked. This was the closest they had been in months.
“I killed you.” his voice was barely above a whisper, only audible since they were so close.
“No, Remus, you didn’t. Everyone is okay.” Remus was still crying and Sirius ‘s eyes met James’s over his shoulder, silently asking what had happened. But James only replied with a shrug. He stood there, holding Remus, until the boy stopped crying. It was a few more minutes still before he pulled away to look Sirius in the face.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered, locking eyes with Sirius.
“Nothing to be sorry for. Happens to everyone.” Sirius tried to smile back, but he didn’t exactly feel happy.
“No, I mean I’m sorry for everything. For yelling. For pushing you away. For ignoring you. I’m sorry, Sirius. I shouldn’t have.”
“Yes, you should. Re, I’m so sor-“
“Stop.” Remus shushes him. “Stop, Sirius. Can we just be done with all that, please? It was an accident. We all made mistakes. I’m so tired, Sirius. Just let it be over.” Remus’s shoulders dropped with his words, his face conveying his exhaustion. Sirius couldn’t manage more than a nod, barely believing it was real. “Let’s go to bed.” Remus sighed and Sirius turned back to his own bed, movements stiff like he was just going through the motions. He had barely gotten the covers pulled back when he turned to see Remus standing there, a questioning look in his eyes.
“Can we- do you want to- I mean-“ Remus stumbled over his words, but Sirius understood immediately. He lifted up a corner of his duvet and relief flooded Remus’s eyes. The younger boy crawled in immediately, turning so that his back was against Sirius’s chest, Sirius’s arms wrapped around Remus’s waist. Sirius buried his face in Remus’s neck, breathing in the calming scent of Remus.
“I love you,” Sirius choked out, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “I hope you know that- I’ve never stopped loving you.”
“I’ve never stopped loving you either.” Remus whispered back in the dark as he curled his arms around Sirius’s arm, hugging their bodies as close as possible.