Work Text:
Yoo Joonghyuk saw the spinning image of black space starting to fade through his helmet.
If this was his ■■, then it was not so bad. He thought. The ending that the regressor like him had longed to reach, what else could it be if it was not the eternal death. No more scenarios, no more bloody fights, no more constellations, no more companions. Nothing, nothing at all.
No Kim Dokja as well.
This was the first time Yoo Joonghyuk about to die alone, without those pair of eyes watch over him.
More than ten or even hundred times, Yoo Joonghyuk would starred up into the sky and curse whoever watched him from there. Whoever manipulated him like a broken puppet, dragged the wrecked soul of his across thousands of world lines only to place him in that damn train and start everything over and over again. Hands of the cruel constellation that never let him be at peace.
Many times, when Yoo Joonghyuk was dying, he would look up to the sky, wait for the stigma to get activated and he would've thought ‘Are you done with me, my sponsor?’
Those pairs of eyes are always with him, in his happiness and in his sorrowfulness, in his lonely time, in his fight. Yoo Joonghyuk never had to die alone. Whoever over there always watched over him. Whoever that actually was Kim Dokja.
Alas, there was no Kim Dokja anymore. Strings that used to bind his arms and legs were gone. Yoo Joonghyuk was no longer a puppet. He became free, but he could not help feeling lonelier than before. At that moment, he was about to die and Kim Dokja was nowhere to watch over him.
Kim Dokja had left him to the faraway place that even a thousand more times of regression will never take Yoo Joonghyuk to him.
Was his ■■ a lonely death without Kim Dokja?
Yoo Joonghyuk saw the eyes-blinded luminous galaxy reflected on his helmet, it was beautiful.
Yoo Joonghyuk was dying and he missed Kim Dokja.
Where are you?
What am I without you?
Yoo Joonghyuk was created to live his life in the scenarios, to satisfy The Oldest Dream, to be the only one protagonist for that only one reader. Without that only one reader to read his story, Yoo Joonghyuk was meaningless.
It was a reasonable ending for the protagonist, die when the reader was gone. Therefore, he closed his eyes.
His consciousness drifted away. During that time, in between the feeling of half dream half awake, he thought of Kim Dokja. Like he always did whenever he was endangered. He thought of Kim Dokja and that damn guy will come to him every time. He thought of his smirking face and the devil-like sly sparkle eyes of his. ‘Yoo Joonghyuk you sunfish bastard’ Kim Dokja would say. He never got to ask him what the hell is a sunfish. He never got to tell many things to Kim Dokja, never got to tell him that he loves his smile, never got to tell him he wants to cook him a lot of delicious foods, never got to tell and never got to ask Kim Dokja many things as well.
Yoo Joonghyuk imagined Kim Dokja’s hand on his shoulder, Kim Dokja’s breath on his cheeks and Kim Dokja’s eyes on his body. Please look at me again, I will regress thousand more times, go through all fight and all scenarios again and again for you to read. Only you were there, please…But alas, Kim Dokja was nowhere to be found.
You fool. The memory of Kim Dokja spoke to him. I only want you to be happy.
How about you? Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to shake him. Why are you so selfish? Why did you always say you want me to be happy, then disappear? Why did you do this to me and left me?
I am sorry.
Yoo Joonghyuk suddenly felt something. So light, so delicate as silk or feather. Almost as if it were not there.
Kim Dokja smiled at him with melancholy eyes. Please forget me and go back, Yoo Joonghyuk.
No. Wait. There was something wrong here. Yoo Joonghyuk frowned. He tried to stay in his mind to think and feel. This was not just his imagination or memory. Kim Dokja…
Kim Dokja was here.
He reached out with his arm. The space suit was heavy and bulky. He reached out only to catch the emptiness of the space. But he was sure. He would never have misunderstood this. Even without eyes or ears, Yoo Joonghyuk would never forget the presence of the entity who was always with him for more than 1,865 lifetimes.
His wounds were hurt. Stories flowed from his vessel. He opened his mouth but there was no voice coming out. He could not see or hear. He lost the ability to distinguish between dream and reality. Yet he called for Kim Dokja with all the might he had left. He wanted that damn guy back in his arms. That damn but beloved guy. So he could hug him and never let go again.
He..
Yoo Joonghyuk opened his eyes and he found himself in a house.
He turned around to see an ordinary door. The house was quite dim. It looked like a general middle class house found everywhere in Seoul. But at that moment, Yoo Joonghyuk could not conceive where he was or what had happened.
He walked into the house. There were things falling here and there on the floor as if there was a fight happened just a minute ago. He saw a knife, and huge amounts of blood as well. It seemed like someone got injured here, or even dead.
Yoo Joonghyuk started to understand where he was.
This might be a tiny little fragment of Kim Dokja’s soul. A subconsciousness of The Oldest Dream that crumbled across the universe, on their journey to faraway world lines to reincarnate. Kim Dokja, who was torned apart until he was barely Kim Dokja anymore, had kept part of his memory and came to meet Yoo Joonghyuk.
To save him again.
Yoo Joonghyuk saw a door at the end of the hallway. It was open slightly, so one beam of light shone through that little crack, lit up the hallway. He walked to that door and opened it.
Behind the door was not a bedroom as he had expected, but a hospital room. The wall and ceiling were painted in white. Patient bed stood in the middle, and a little boy sat on it. He brought his legs up his chest and hugged them. One of his legs was in splint, as same as bandage on his arm and head. He looked seriously injured.
Yoo Joonghyuk looked behind himself and finds that the door he just got in became a door of a hospital room. There was a name tag on it.
Patient name: Kim Dokja
Sex: Male
Age: 15 years old
Injury: Fall from the height.
He walked to Kim Dokja. He looked exactly like The Oldest Dream they met behind The Last Wall. His youthful face was pale, he had straight black hair and arms as thin as a twig. The way he curled himself up as if he wanted to hide from an outside world.
There was a chair next to the bed, Yoo Joonghyuk sat on it. “Kim Dokja.”
The boy perked up a little, there was a huge bandage on his cheek as well. His mouth splitted. His eyes were dark and empty. He stared at Yoo Joonghyuk with those eyes.
Yoo Joonghyuk was never good at talking his feelings out. At that moment, he got a lot of things he wanted to say to Kim Dokja, but instead he could not say anything at all. He could simply look at the boy, so fragile and so lonely. The boy who one day would bring destruction upon a hundred and thousand worlds. The boy who would grow up to be the man with a sly smile and sorrowful eyes. The man that was full of tricks and always jumped into death. The man who was Kim Dokja. That damn and beloved Kim Dokja of his. The sponsor who led Yoo Joonghyuk into tragedies, tortured him again and again. Kim Dokja who became his companion. Kim Dokja who he grew to love and got abandoned by.
“Let’s go home, Kim Dokja.” Yoo Joonghyuk said at last. “The others are waiting for you.”
The boy continued to look at him with his blank eyes.
“Today I found a web novel.” Kim Dokja whispered to him. “I like it very much. Author-nim said he will update the second chapter tomorrow so I decided to live for another day to read it.
That fool tried to kill himself before. Once, Han Sooyoung said this. He continue his life until now only to read that fucking stupid novel. How stupid.
“How about the third chapter?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked. “Will you read it?”
“I will. I want to know what will happen with Joonghyuk.”
“And the next and the next?”
“Yes, I will continue to read them.” Kim Dokja answered.
Yoo Joonghyuk blinked and in a second, he sat on a chair in a classroom. Kim Dokja in a school uniform sat beside him. He was writing something in his notebook. He had a big bruise on his cheek and hand. His mouth had dry blood stuck on.
“I’m wondering who is the strongest incarnation in Ways of Survival.” Kim Dokja thought out loud while drawing a chart in his notebook. “I’m sure it has to be Joonghyuk-ah.”
“I think so.” Yoo Joonghyuk agreed.
“He will be stronger once he passes the early scenarios.” Kim Dokja said. “But I don’t think he can make it through the 46th scenario alone.”
“The first time, I fell.”
“If I were him, I wouldn't trust the prophet.” Kim Dokja drew a circle around Anna Croft’s name on the chart. “Joonghyuk did a lot of stupid things. If it were me, I wouldn’t do what he did.”
“You’re not wrong.”
Kim Dokja looked up at him, his blank eyes started to spark a little. In the next moment, he became a high school student. He was taller, his fingers were longer. His face started to resemble the Kim Dokja that he was familiar with. He had a dark circle under his eyes and still had wounds on his face.
“Why Joonghyuk never be with Seolhwa again?”
“I afraid to get hurt again.” Yoo Joonghyuk told him.
“I liked it when they were together.” Kim Dokja said. “I got to see his gentleness that he rarely shows…and he seems happy too. Sometimes after I get bullied, I will re-read those parts. I’m wondering what would it be like to have someone care for me the way Joonghyuk care for Seolhwa.”
Yoo Joonghyuk’s heart ached from those words. He blankly stared at Kim Dokja who turned to look at his phone again. When he perked back up, he became a college student. He sat on a lecture chair. His face was now cleaned from any wounds and bruises. He was still too thin and too pale.
“Damn, that fool died again. But this is my favorite round.”
“Where are you now?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked quietly.
“The 999th round.” Kim Dokja answered. “Almost there, isn’t he? But this makes me curious about something. It means the scenarios are set to fail, unless in the 5th scenario, he will not take an absolute throne.
“You’re correct.”
“What will happen with the others after Joonghyuk regresses.” Kim Dokja wondered. “Anyway, this has already reached the 1,000th round. How many more that fool intends to go.”
“About 800 more rounds.”
Kim Dokja leaned his body onto the chair. He looked a little older, his hair was cutted and he wore a soldier uniform. He sat in front of a shabby computer in a barracks.
“I wanna eat Murim dumpling! The food here is shit.” He whined.
“I will cook it for you after this.” Yoo Joonghyuk assured him.
The surroundings shifted and changed again. Then Kim Dokja, who looked exactly like Kim Dokja that he met on the bridge, was crouching in a company cabinet. The light from his phone screen painted a luminous square on his face.
“You know what, I really wish for Joonghyuk to find whatever he is looking for at the end.” Kim Dokja said thoughtfulness. “Why does that sunfish bastard never give up? He is a sensitive mind sunfish but he never stops. I always wonder how he could pass his day like that.”
Yoo Joonghyuk looked at Kim Dokja who started to pay attention to his phone again. “He is so fucked up after the 1,000th round. Almost like a villain more than a protagonist.”
“I was never a good man. I’m just incidentally a protagonist.”
“Well, yes, you are a jerk.” Kim Dokja smiled at him. This was the first time he consciously spoke to Yoo Joonghyuk since all this happened. “You’re that kind of a protagonist who is incredibly strong but has a fucked up personality. Yet, you’re a main character anyway, it’s hard to hate you.”
“So do you like the kind of protagonist like me?”
Kim Dokja slowly nodded his head. “I like you the most.”
And then, thay sat side by side on the subway. Only a minute before the starting of the paid service. The 28 years old Kim Dokja, dressed in a simple working suit jacket, still had pale cheeks.
“I have no courage to read the epilogue. I know Ways of Survival has no happy ending.” Kim Dokja said while holding his phone. “I really, truly want you to be happy. I want you to be happy more than anything else in this world.
Yoo Joonghyuk looked at him quietly.
Kim Dokja put his phone away, then he stared out of the window. “Joonghyuk-ah, go back. You can be happy now, it’s over.”
“What am I without you? Kim Dokja.”
“You are you, you who are free.” Kim Dokja said. “Like the Plotter. You are no longer a character. No need to live on stories for anyone to read. You can just live your life as you please.”
“Without you?”
“You don’t need me.”
“And who are you to decide it for me?” Yoo Joonghyuk snarled at him. “You keep saying that you want me to be happy. Do you ever ask me how can I be happy? or what I truly want? Why do you think only reading that damn novel will make you understand me thoroughly? It is clear that you cannot see even an obvious thing in front of your face.”
Kim Dokja stared at him stunned. His thin and pale lips were trembling. Then he whispered.
“So what do you truly want?”.
“You.” Yoo Joonghyuk said without a second thought. “I want you to go back with me. I want you to be there in the after-scenario world with me. Eat my cooking. Watch me playing games. You want to read your damn books or do whatever you want, it’s up to you. I just want to be with you.
“That will be my only one happiness, Kim Dokja. Apart from this, I won’t be happy.”
Kim Dokja stared at him for a long, long time. His eyes were no longer and empty eyes, they were full of emotion and tears.
Then he asked softly. “Joonghyuk-ah. Me?”
“Yes, you.”
He lifted his hand, touched Kim Dokja’s pale cheek. It was warm and soft as he remembered.
“I don’t know where you are right now. I don’t know if you are happy or not. Are you still lonely? Do you still love books? I don’t know anything, but I will wait for your return.”
Yoo Joonghyuk stroked his skin gently. Kim Dokja closed his eyes when he did that, his body was shaking as if he was so long for Yoo Joonghyuk’s touch more than anything is the entire universe.
“I’ve waited to meet you for more than 1,864 lifetimes, since my 0 turn. I can wait for you more, even my whole life. I will wait for you.
He felt his lips twitch. Yoo Joonghyuk smile slightly.
“Kim Dokja, do you want your protagonist to be happy? If you want you have to come back. Understood?”
Then Kim Dokja smiled. He turned his face to nuzzle Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand. His cheeks were shiny with tears
“You’re so stupid. Joonghyuk-ah. But I love that you are like this so, so much.”
After that, Yoo Joonghyuk opened his eyes and the empty space greeted him again. There was no train and of course, there was no Kim Dokja. There was only a black, faraway space, full of thousands and thousands of worldlines. It laid across the galaxy, leading to an unknown place. A place where Kim Dokja might be, scatter, reincarnate.
The hand that he touched Kim Dokja still had his warmth and his tears left. It was almost real. Almost like Kim Dokja was here with him, in front of him.
No matter what his ■■ truly was. Yoo Joonghyuk found that it was no longer important. He knew what he wanted and what he was going to do. Would he reach his ■■ at last or not was meaningless right now, only if he got Kim Dokja back.
Only he got Kim Dokja back, anything else was fine.