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So.. this was it? Becky and Michae— Michelle have been doing this for awhile now. And it felt great! Michelle was a lot happier around her.. knowing someone doesn’t think she’s weird or a “creep” for doing this.. whatever it was, Michelle loved being in Becky’s company again. Even if most of their “fun shit to-do list was short” it was something they both missed.
Still something seems off.
I mean it’s crazy and stupid and dumb but whenever Becky heads home and Michelle is all by herself she just feels… disgusting.
It’s stupid! I mean, this is what she’s been wanting all these years right? A friend who supports and loves her and finally the ability to express herself yet, it almost feels undeserved.
She threw herself onto the bed as she tightly hugged her comfy pillows and continued to ponder some more.
‘Why do I feel like this? I should be happy, I mean, I was with Becky so why now? Why do I feel so—“ she stopped herself for a minute and took a breath. She grabbed her phone and scrolled past her wishlist she and Becky made.
Her search history was a nightmare too, wait, since when was there a search inquiry about cute gifts?— fuck she had to focus!
Michelle typed “why do I feel” she paused for a minute and thought about it some more. She slowly caressed her cheeks dotted with light makeup that she forgot to remove. What if she isn’t trans? That thought echoed around her.
I like makeup.. but I mean cis guys can like makeup too— am I doing this all for attention? No, that isn’t right— I’m a.. I’m…
She felt disgusted at her— himself? The makeup that once brought her so much happiness felt foreign on her skin, she— no, he, has to be faking.
This isn’t normal, it was just a cringy phase that he was over.
All the memories of her and Becky browsing through aIsles of cute and nice dresses and skirts, all the times Becky did her makeup, Michael’s stomach twisted at the thought that all of that joy was because he was just confused and getting attention.
Yeah I’m just confused, I would never want this. I’m a..
She felt tears forming, it was a twisted thought that HE didn’t want to believe. Even if it was just for a moment, he genuinely felt happy. Then he remembered, Becky gave her new phone number so maybe they could.. talk?
But what if she accuses you of wasting her time?
What if she calls you a liar?
What if she starts telling everyone about your “disgusting fantasies”?
What if—
No. Her thoughts were getting out of hand. She was going to tell Becky because well, she’s her friend? And friends don’t do that. Probably-
She grabbed her phone and slowly dialed the number Becky gave.
Ring… ring… ring…
The quiet dialing sound made her reconsider. Did she really want to do this? Shit she really should've texted her—
"Michelle?"
"O- Oh hello!"
"Hey~ what's up?"
He thought over her words very carefully
"Becky.. so err— what if… I- I'm doing.. everything for attention..? Or it's all just a phase-"
"WHAT!?!"
Shit shit shit. He fucked up oh god-
"Ah fuck, sorry- don't mind my language. Why do you think that?"
"It's- because.. I don't feel happy..? I know I should be grateful to you!! I really am, but- I feel so disgusted with myself when I'm alone, you know..?"
"I get ya, but why do you think you feel that way?-"
"Maybe- I feel like I don't deserve this.. or that my mind is making up excuses to get me to be 'normal.' Or I wasn't ever happy like this and I've just been making up lies and try to convince to— "
Miche- Michael's? Voice swelled up and he felt his eyes begin to tear.
"Hey, Hun. Take a breath and drink some water"
Becky remained calm but.. comforting?
"I know you're going through a lot.. and that's completely okay! But are you really going to ignore all the times you were hurt? I mean, judging by how much you've told me a few weeks ago.. but even as a kid you knew something just didn't feel right"
Ah shit. Becky was right, fuck, that was so stupid wasn't it?
"I hear you thinking through the phone"
"I- I'm sorry I nee—"
"No apologizing, just take your time. I'll be right here hun"
Michelle wasn't used to getting comforted, it's always been you should've done something different or you should've seen this coming.
But Becky validated her, she validated her feelings. Even after the world seemed to have given up on her, she still had a supportive friend… fuck she was going to cry again wasn't she?
Becky heard a few silent sniffs on her end and for a split second she started sweating until he.. she? Ah whatever, until her FRIEND decided to speak.
"Thank you, Becky- I really needed this.. I don't know how to- repay you—"
And there it is, she's crying on the phone, getting her makeup smeared all over her face. Becky consoled her and she knew this was a good thing. Michelle never really cried when they first met, she was always closed off before but now, she's crying, crying is healthy.
God did she want to come over there and hug her. It all made so much sense why she was acting the way she was all that time.
"Hun, no matter what, trans or not, you're still my friend. No one's journey is ever linear so.. If you want, we could go.. deep clean your apartment?"
Michelle wiped the tears and wet makeup off of her face, and blew some tissues. That was a strange offer, not one she'd imagine ever agreeing too, with her apartment still being a "dirty shit hole" but the idea sounded awfully appealing.. They'd spend time together? Doing mundane cleaning but spending time with Becky was nice.
"That.. sounds like a good idea. I've been wanting to finally find a place to put all the dresses"
A couple of giggles later and they continued talking for hours . Whatever the topic was, Michelle seemed to feel better, though it was already midnight, and they were both tired.
"I'll think I'll rest, you should too, I hear how tired you are from here you know"
"What!? I'm not tired~"
Michelle said as she let out a comically loud yawn.
"Sure sure. Just sleep soon alright?"
"Fine~ but you better give me a nice goodnight first!"
"Hands you a nice goodnight"
"Becky!"
They both giggled and looked at the time once again.
"Okay, I'll go to the bathroom real quick, but we go to sleep soon okay?"
"Sounds good enough for me"
"Alright, sweet dreams chelly."
Michelle was shocked at the nickname but felt her heart throb, she was happy with her name.
"Goodnight beck."
She hasn't said that name in ages, things aren't the same but at least they have each other, whether friends or not, she thought.
The call ended soon after and Michelle buried herself with her blanket and quickly fell asleep, she was so grateful to have a friend like Becky.
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