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“You owe me an explanation. We’re partners, we’re supposed to talk about these things, Eddie.” Buck had let himself in and was drunk. Eddie scoffed as he realised that he is still trying to be quiet.
"Hi, Buck. I would offer you a beer but you seem to have started without me." Not that Eddie was entirely sober for this conversation either. Buck looked at Christopher's door. "Chris is at abuela's."
"You're leaving."
Eddie stood there, staring at Buck, willing himself to stay calm. There were too many thoughts going through his head, too many promises. You can have my back any day. You’re stuck with us.
One sentence and he broke all of them. Because he was too afraid to admit the truth. Because he was too weak to keep on watching Buck go home to someone else. Even now, with Buck yelling at him for abandoning him, he is not sure he can tell him. There is too much at stake. For once, Buck is happy with someone who loves him, someone who will love him without the burden of all of Eddie’s past baggage. Eddie would be a bad friend to touch any of that. But then he sees the pain in Buck’s eyes that makes him wonder if he really is happy.
“Don’t tell me it is because of Christopher. Because we talked about it. We were going to have the therapist talk to him, we were - why Eds? Why did you suddenly decide that you knew what was best?”
That is when Eddie broke. Maybe it was how Buck unknowingly quotes Shannon. Maybe it was Eds, a nickname only Buck ever used, the only one Eddie ever let anyone use. Or maybe it was Buck talking about their plans for Chris as his parents - because that’s what they were, no matter how you phrased it. Buck was as much of Christopher’s father by now as Eddie was. All Eddie needed to know was if there was more to their family if Buck felt more.
“Because the idea I had of my family was falling apart and I couldn’t be at the firehouse, reminded of it every day. I - I couldn’t pretend everything was all right with me when I knew that at the end of the shift, you would be going home - your home, not ours. I had missed my chance because I was too afraid and - it was easier to leave and use Chris as a reason.” Buck stared at him, mouth hanging open. Finally, Eddie couldn't take it anymore “Say something, Buck, please. I - I’m sorry if I’ve ruined it even further but I couldn’t - I -“
“How long?” Eddie raised his eyebrows in question. “How long have you felt this way?”
"Years but I realised it around the time of the lawsuit when we couldn't talk and - " he shrugged. "Listen, Buck, I don't - I know you don't - "
"I knew I had to tell you when you told us you were leaving, I couldn't let you go without letting you know. But I had to tell Taylor before I came here. Turns out she already knew."
They both stood in silence until it suddenly turned into hysterical laughter. Neither of them could have said who started it but they were both doubled over their stomachs, giggling on the couch, less than a minute later.
"We're both idiots, aren't we?" Eddie said when he was able to control his laughter.
Buck nodded and moved closer, taking one of Eddie's hands in his and placing the other against the man's cheek. There was something different between them now as they looked at each other. Eddie was afraid to move for the fear of breaking it. Buck must have felt the same because his voice was an almost inaudible whisper. "Can I kiss you?" Eddie moved his head just enough for Buck to feel it against his hand.
The next moment, Buck's hands cupped his face and his lips were brushing against Eddie's. One by one, Eddie let go of all his fears as he pressed against Buck's lips, ran his hand through his curls and smiled wider than he had in a long time.