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The loud noise of music and cheering greeted Changbin as he walked into the house party being thrown at Jisung’s. He swiftly avoided knocking a bunch of drunk teenagers over and made his way into the backyard. As he walked there he passed by the drinks table from which he took a plastic cup and a bottle of vodka. His friends would definitely have more alcohol with them, but better safe than sorry.
He finally got to the glass doors that led to the backyard where the party continued in the pool. It was a little chilly but nobody seemed to really care, judging by the amounts of half-naked bodies swimming drunkenly. There was no way that was safe. But who was Changbin to judge?
Changbin scanned the big backyard, looking for a group of seven boys. He found them quite quickly, as they were close to the door. He threw himself on the grass next to Hyunjin who was laying his head on Felix’s lap.
“Bin, you made it!,” Hyunjin greeted him with a large smile. Changbin nodded, a little awestruck. Hyunjin was, by far, the most attractive person Seo Changbin had ever laid eyes on in his entire life. He looked particularly exquisite on that cool spring night. He had recently dyed his hair platinum blonde again and to say that it suited him was falling short. He had been letting it grow lately and by now it reached his shoulders. More often than not, Changbin found himself entranced by the way it fell on his eyes even though the younger male had tied it back. He was wearing a flowy white button-up although it was entirely unbuttoned as he had a mesh shirt underneath. But that wasn’t even the worst part. No, what was worse was the silver eyeshadow he had on his bottom lashes and the way the faux leather from his pants hugged his thighs.
Changbin looked away, ears blushing. He was no prude, but he had a bit of a weak spot when it came to Hyunjin. Not only was he very pretty, but he was also the sweetest person alive, so it was very hard for him to control the urge to make out with him every time he saw him. So far, his tactics were working pretty well.
Next to Hyunjin was Chris, one of his best friends. He was sitting against the brick wall and Hyunjin had his head resting on his shoulder and was playing with his fingers. They always did that, those two. The whole looking like a couple who is very much into public displays of affection. Everyone was kind of used to it by now and it didn't bother Changbin that they did that (even when it reminded him of how awfully single he was), in fact, he didn't care at all.
Jisung—the house owner— and Minho were making out a little far away from the group, so Changbin didn’t bother to say hi, they wouldn’t hear him anyway. Jeongin and Seungmin were chatting about god knows what, and laughing mischievously.
“Since when are those two making out?” he asked while pointing at Minho and Jisung. Chris scoffed.
“He made me open the door for the first guests because he was too busy shoving his tongue down Minho’s mouth,” he complained.
They all laughed in amusement, this was rather usual. Even though they were not dating, everyone just sort of assumed they were together as it was a common occurrence to see them making out at parties or holding hands through the halls at the university. That did not mean that they didn’t see other people, though.
Changbin wasn’t feeling very talkative that night, which basically meant that he had a lot in his mind. His brain would not shut up for a single fucking second, and even though he was, in fact, almost laying down, he felt like he needed to sit down. He grabbed that cup he had stolen earlier and poured himself some vodka. That would surely help.
He just wanted to stop thinking, honestly, that's all he’d ever wanted. To just, tell his mind to fuck off for one goddamn minute. Maybe that’s why he liked to look at Hyunjin so much. He was so pretty he made his mind go blank.
Changbin stood up and walked to somewhere a little quieter. He got to a little bench, right by where Jisung’s backyard ended and sat down. He took another sip of his drink and lit up a cigarette. He breathed in the bitter smoke and looked up at the starry night. Everything made him think of Hwang Hyunjin.
He laughed bitterly and looked in Hyunjin’s direction, he instantly regretted it. Chris was whispering something into his ear and the pretty boy was slapping his arm playfully. One might even say, flirtatiously.
“Great, I’ll stop looking then,” he muttered to himself as he took another drag.
“You can look at me instead,” a flirty voice told him. He looked at the boy standing next to him. Yeah, he wasn’t that bad to look at. That was a great idea, thank you, random boy.
“I’m Changbin,” he said and took a sip. The boy chuckled.
“Nice,” he replied, “it seems like we both have some boys we need to forget about,” he pointed towards two boys who were very close to making out.
He nodded. The guy sat next to him and boldly placed a hand on his thigh. He looked at him. He didn’t even know his name. Who gave a shit. Hyunjin had gotten really close to Chris. Was that Chris’ hand on his waist? He couldn’t see it that well but it sure seemed like that.
He looked at the boy. He was rather beautiful. He had long, silky hair that was cut into a mullet and he was wearing a pretty choker. The boy smiled at him, he smiled back.
“I guess we’re doing this,” he thought before closing in the distance and sealing their lips together.
Now, although it didn’t seem like it, Changbin didn’t really have a lot of experience in making out. In fact, he had only kissed someone once, and it had been just a small peck. The boy smiled at Changbin’s clumsiness and drew him closer. Changbin grabbed the boy's face, careful not to burn him with his still-lit cigarette. They made out for a few minutes, but soon, he started feeling sorry.
“We have to stop,” he said, moving away from him. The boy looked at him questioningly.
“What is it?”
“I don’t want you to feel used. I’m thinking about him but kissing you,” he confessed.
“Hey, it’s fine. If it makes you feel any better, I’m thinking about Sannie, too. So don’t even worry about it. We’re on the same page,” he reassured Changbin who nodded, finished his drink, and went back to kissing the beautiful stranger.
This time, he kissed him more desperately, pretending his lips were Hyunjin’s, savoring the sweet taste of cherry vodka on the stranger’s tongue. He groaned and pulled away, pressing their foreheads together. They stayed like that for a minute, catching their breaths. Changbin moved and smoked some more.
He was tired already. Maybe coming to this stupid party wasn’t a good idea. Why did he feel like he was cheating on someone somehow? He wasn’t. He and Hyunjin were not together nor will they ever be, and Changbin just needed to accept that once and for all. God, why were crushes so fucking annoying?
He sighed, and the stranger looked at him, curious.
“Wanna talk about it?” he offered.
Changbin nodded. Maybe that way he would just get it out of his chest. “You know those really stupid people who fall in love with their best friends?” he started.
The boy nodded.
“Well, here I am, kissing you to forget him, because he doesn’t like me like that and he’s probably too infatuated with my other best friend, who literally has everything I’ve ever wanted and more, to pay attention to me.” He finished his cigarette “ I just wish he’d look at me like that,” he said, nodding in Hyunjin’s direction. He was staring at Chris, who seemed to be saying something. Hyunjin looked down, clearly embarrassed but still laughed. Changbin looked away and pushed the pang on his heart to the back of his brain where it couldn’t bother him.
“Wanna get out of here?” the boy said, extending his hand.
“I don’t think I can do that with you” he confessed “No offense, though.”
“We don’t have to do anything, we’re just gonna put on a show. I’ve got a feeling about this.” he came closer to Changbin’s face, lips almost touching his as he spoke. Changbin nodded dumbly, grabbed his hand, and allowed the stranger to lead him into the house. He felt their friends' eyes as they walked past them, but Changbin pretended he was too busy staring at the boy’s ass to notice. Hyunjin probably hadn't noticed, so it didn’t really matter in the end.
They went to the guest room, Changbin knew Jisung’s house almost as well as he knew his own, and he was fairly sure he and Minho would want the bedroom for themselves at some point. They plopped down on the king-size bed, Changbin still clutching the bottle of vodka like his life depended on it.
“My name’s Wooyoung,” the boy said after some time. Changbin hummed to let him know he had heard him. They didn’t really need to say much. The two of them had enough in their minds. At some point, Wooyoung suggested they took their minds off of their respective crushes, only if Changbin wanted to, though. He thought of Hyunjin’s face getting closer to Chris, his friend’s grasp on Hyunjin’s waist. Fuck it. He kissed Wooyoung again, allowing him to climb on his lap.
<3
Hyunjin felt his smile grow wide as he saw Changbin walk past the glass doors and make his way to sit next to him. He greeted him happily and delighted in the way the elder took in his appearance. He had, after all, made an effort just for him.
He rested his head against Chan’s shoulder and absently played with his fingers when suddenly the warmth emitted by Changbin’s body next to him was gone. He had joked around with some of the guys, but Hyunjin had missed it. He watched as the boy sat on a bench, far away from them.
“Hey silly, stop staring,” Chris said in his ear. Hyunjin laughed but slapped his arm.
They had talked about his stupid fucking crush on Seo Changbin. It hadn’t been voluntarily, not at all. Chan had just caught him staring at his oblivious friend way too many times and put the pieces of the puzzle together.
“You know you’re very obvious about it, right?” he had said.
“What are you talking about?” Hyunjin had tried to fake nonchalance but his voice had come out strained. Chan had laughed as if there wasn’t anything inherently wrong with loving your best friend in a non-homie way.
“Your massive crush on Changbin, Jinnie. Will you ever tell him about it?”
“And ruin our friendship forever? No, thanks, I’d rather suffer next to him than alone”. He knew Chan was thinking he wouldn’t be alone but he didn't say it, and for that Hyunjin had been thankful. They never really talked about that often, mostly because Chan would always catch him when Changbin was dangerously close to the two of them, and saying something meant exposing him. But also because Chan was the sweetest friend in the entire world and he would never push him to talk about something he was not ready for.
Chan placed his hand on his waist, rubbing comforting circles with his thumb and Hyunjin melted into the touch, closing his eyes. He noticed his friend stop and opened them again, following his gaze to where Changbin was making out with some boy, the same hand that held a cigarette held his face as well.
Yikes.
“You know, this is kind of weird,” Chan said after some time. “He always talks about how there’s someone special and that's why he never really hooked up with anyone”
Hyunjin nodded.
“I always thought he was talking about you, though,” he said. Hyunjin’s cheeks heated up at the implication. Then he realized it was just Chan theorizing, trying to make him feel better, even, and he looked down. A bitter laugh escaped his lips.
Chan grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly. Something was happening again, right? He wished he hadn’t looked up, he truly wished he hadn't seen the pretty boy leading Changbin into the house, Changbin who still had a bottle of vodka in his hand, Changbin who was staring at the boy’s ass. His Changbin, who was probably going to wake up next to this boy he had just met.
Maybe they hadn’t just met, his brain provided. Maybe he’s the one he would always talk about with Chan, and they just found each other in this stupid party. Hyunjin felt tears forming in his eyes and he looked up, willing them to stay in their fucking place. He was not about to cry in front of all of his friends who knew nothing about his stupid crush on someone who would never see him as anything more than a friend.
He would not.
He held his tears pretty well for the rest of the night until Jisung and Minho got back from whatever it was they were doing upstairs. Not that long after that, Changbin also came downstairs, a trail of red marks on his neck and his hair messy, shirt badly buttoned up. Hyunjin stood up and excused himself, saying he was going to the bathroom.
Once he was surrounded by the cold tile and a locked door, he finally allowed himself to cry. Quick crying sessions were his specialty. He was a pretty sensitive boy and always found himself locked up in a bathroom stall, tears silently rolling down his face. He knew, though, once he had started crying, that this would not be one of those. A few minutes later he felt a knock on the door and Chan announced it was him.
He unlocked it and allowed himself to collapse in his friend’s arms. Chan didn’t say anything, he just let him cry it all out, petting his hair, whispering sweet things he couldn’t even hear over the sound of his own damn sobs. When had he fallen this deep?
Chan offered to take him home after he had calmed down, and Hyunjin quickly accepted. They made their way out without saying bye to anyone. Hyunjin left his jacket somewhere in the house, but he could just ask Jisung to bring it to him later. They walked hand in hand towards Hyunjin’s dorm, which he shared with Felix.
Hyunjin let Chan tuck him into the covers and hummed contently when the elder laid down as well, providing him with a nice, warm chest to rest his head-on. He allowed some silent tears to roll down his face again and fell asleep to Chan petting his hair and the feeling of his shirt getting wetter by the second.
<3
Changbin sighed, sitting at the lunch table where all of his friends were already eating. He looked at Hyunjin, expecting a bright smile directed to him, but was met with the sight of the blonde boy with large eyebags and pursed lips as he moved his food around his plate. He looked at Chan questioningly but the elder didn’t even spare him a glance, hand rubbing circles on Hyunjin’s back.
“Hey, Jinnie” he mumbled “Everything alright?”
The blonde boy looked at him for a second, a flash of pain passed by his face, but it was quickly replaced by the same stone-cold expression Chan had. In response to his question, he got a hum.
He looked down at the sub he had picked up on the way here, suddenly he wasn’t hungry anymore. He glanced around the room and smiled when he saw Wooyoung clinging onto one of the guys he had pointed at yesterday. At least it had worked out for one of them. He sunk deeper into the uncomfortable cafeteria chair and unwrapped his sandwich.
Changbin ate silently, a lonely sensation crawling at his chest. Normally, this is when he and Hyunjin catch up on how their morning was going. This was the time where Hyunjin would complain about the strict dance teacher, point in which Minho would jump in followed by Felix, and the whole table would turn into his friends dissing their most hated teachers. But Hyunjin was not talking today, so Changbin felt out of place.
He stretched his hand, putting it on top of Hyunjin’s and squeezing once, just to let him know he was there if he needed him. Hyunjin stood up and left, Chan followed him. Changbin didn’t.
Maybe he was doing a face, or maybe his friends knew him too well because as soon as Hyunjin was gone, Felix was giving him a look.
“What did I even do?” he said, throwing his hands up in protest. Felix didn’t answer him, though.
“If you want to know, you should talk to him,” suggested Minho. Changbin held back a scoff. He was the last person who could tell him to talk about feelings, considering how he and Jisung tiptoed around each other. But he was right, and Changbin couldn’t stand the fact that Hyunjin was not talking to him, so he stood up and left in the same direction Hyunjin and Chan had.
He found them under a tree, Chan was holding Hyunjin who was sobbing into his chest. Changbin ran towards them, hands itching to hold him as well, and tell him that whatever was going on, he was not alone.
Chan gave him a look when he saw him arrive as if to say don’t fuck up, and Changbin tentatively placed a hand on Hyunjin’s shaking shoulders.
Hyunjin sobbed harder, and Changbin had to hold back his own tears. He hated seeing the younger cry, and he hated not being able to comfort him. And he hated himself for loving Hyunjin so goddamn much.
“Jinnie, I think it’s time you try,” Chan said into Hyunjin’s head. The younger one held onto his shirt tighter. “I’ll be close, alright? If you need me I’ll be here in a second, I promise.”
At this, Hyunjin nodded. Chan slowly helped the boy untangle himself out of his hold and stood up, dusting his pants before he walked away. Changbin watched him go and sit by the fountain not that far away from where they were, just as he had promised.
Hyunjin looked at Changbin, and he could’ve sworn his heart made an actual sound when it broke. If it did, Hyunjin didn’t hear it.
“Hyung, I” he started, tears still rolling down his face “I gotta tell you something. And you can hate me for it, you can despise me and think I’m an awful friend, but please, don’t leave me.”
Changbin wanted to say that he’d never leave him, that he’d be next to him for as long as the younger wanted him to. The words didn’t come out. Instead, he nodded.
“I swear I didn’t mean it to happen, and I understand if it makes you uncomfortable, but I really couldn’t help it” Changbin nodded slowly, only to let the other know he was listening. He grabbed his hand and squeezed encouragingly.
“Hyung, I think I’m in love with you.”
Changbin’s heart jumped out of his chest.
“If this is a joke, it’s not funny Hyunjin,” he started, voice dropping down. He saw the scared look in his best friend’s eyes and nothing made sense anymore. “Aren’t you with Chan, though?”
“What?” The look of hopelessness on Hyunjin’s face was quickly replaced by confusion. “What makes you think that?”
Changbin scratched his neck uncomfortably. “You were kind of… yesterday… you know.”
Hyunjin laughed incredulously. “Are you blind, hyung?”
“I’m not, Jinnie. That’s exactly the issue. I saw how you guys talked and held each other so closely last night.”
“Hyung” his friend whined, “we were talking about how obviously in love I am with you when you started making out with I don’t know whom.”
“But…” Changbin’s head was working overtime. “You left for the bathroom and he followed you.”
“You’re really gonna make me say it?”
“Say what”
“I went to the bathroom to cry because you came downstairs looking like you just had the best laid of your life, and it hadn’t been with me.”
Changbin felt his heart drop. He had fucked up. He had fucked up big time. He grabbed his head between his hands and tugged at the hair, a frustrated grunt leaving his lips.
“Jinnie. Oh my god Jinnie, I’m so fucking stupid” he looked at the younger, hoping his eyes would tell him how much he was feeling right now. “I made out with Wooyoung because I thought you were with Chan. We only kissed to forget the boys we were madly in love with.”
Hyunjin let out a broken sob and Changbin rushed to hug him, kissing the top of his head. “Jinnie, I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you sooner, I should’ve taken the chance. I can’t believe I made you hurt this much because I’m a coward.” Hyunjin held onto his shirt, just like he had done with Chan’s. “I love you so fucking much, Hwang Hyunjin. I tried so hard to forget about the way you make me feel whenever you smile, whenever you say my name. But I can’t, Jinnie.
You’ve changed my life in ways I can’t even begin to comprehend and I promise, had I suspected you returned my feelings, I would’ve spoken sooner.” He kissed his friend’s forehead. “Oh, Jinnie. I’m so sorry.”
Changbin wasn’t big on apologies, he had always been too damn proud to admit he had made a mistake, not to mention in front of someone. But how could he put his pride first when the man he loved the most was sobbing uncontrollably in his chest, because of the things he had done, because of his own stupid mistakes? He had hurt Hyunjin.
Hyunjin, who helped old ladies cross the street and whispered the answers to the quizzes to anyone who needed help. Hyunjin who had welcomed him into their friend group without even doubting it for a second. Hyunjin who made his heart do backflips every time he was in his presence.
“I love you so much” he kept repeating in the younger’s ear. At some point, Hyunjin stopped crying and looked at him, hope painting his face in the same beautiful way as the colors painted Hyunjin’s canvases.
“I love you, hyung,” he said. Changbin couldn’t help but smile at him.
“I really am sorry, and foolish, and I hope one day you can forgive me,” he confessed. Hyunjin nodded.
“I know I will. Right now I need you to keep holding me, though.”
So Changbin held him. This time, he wouldn’t let go.