Chapter Text
It was pitch black when he finally left the potion-mixing room, same as it has been every day for the last few months. He couldn’t remember when the last time he saw the sun was and you were certainly noticing that. It wouldn’t be for much longer now. A few more weeks and he could start looking for a real job, one where he wasn’t treated like a hamster on a wheel told to go faster, one where he was actually paid for his work. These last two years seemed to have gone by so fast now that it was almost over. Yet a few weeks into his Potions Mastery, he could have sworn time had slowed down, feeling like it would take a thousand years to finish his studies. Every second of every day went by so slowly until he went home and crashed. And by the time he found himself able to catch his breath and grab a bite to eat, it was time to do it all over again the next day.
The first time you came home from a tournament, you looked absolutely shocked, like you didn’t recognize him. You told him he looked so pale and thin, you could have mistaken him for Death himself, and he knew it was true. His clothes had never been so loose, his skin whiter than the snow he walked through now. He swore he’d take better care of himself, and he did for a short while. But then you left a few months later and he returned to looking worse than he ever did. You both knew he needed you more than he could ever admit during his studies. He needed your support, your comfort. You motivated him to do better, to care for himself and when you weren’t there, when the only contact he had with you was a couple of letters, he spiraled down into an unhealthy disaster.
Just a couple more weeks, he kept telling you, trying to rationalize his actions, claiming he’d take better care of himself when this was all over, but he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to break some of the habits he’d grown accustomed to these last 2 years. He hoped that whatever job he got after this would accommodate your travels. He hated being apart for so long. He wanted to go with you, to be near you every week rather than every few months. He missed Hogwarts. Things just weren’t the same after you both graduated and nor did he expect them to be. He missed sitting on the bleachers watching you play, he missed eating with you during Christmas, he missed spending the evenings and weekends with you. He didn’t have any of that anymore. No Dining Hall to go to for a scheduled and prepared meal, no support from anyone, financially or otherwise and you were wrong about Spinner’s End. No matter what either of you did, it didn’t feel like home to him, it didn’t feel like it did when he was at Hogwarts.
Hogwarts was his home for seven years and he’d known no other home. He only felt happy at Spinner’s End when you were there. You were his home, his comfort. Wherever you were is where he felt happiest and you were almost never at Spinner’s End with him. The truth was, he’d spent more time in Spinner’s End than he did with you and sitting in that house alone only reminded him of his parents. But things will get better once he finished his Mastery. He’ll do better, feel better and perhaps Spinner’s End will begin to feel more like home.
Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes and apparated back to the Muggle world. There it was, the house that haunted his thoughts staring back at him when he opened his eyes. But today was the day you returned. It had to be. You told him two weeks ago you’d be on your way home and every day since he’d opened the doors hoping to see you there, hoping the house would turn back into his home away from Hogwarts once again and every day he would open the door to a dead house full of nothing but bad memories. Gripping the doorknob, he turned it slowly, pushing open the door. Today is the day, today is the day, today is the day.
The house was pitch black but he could smell a hint of lavender and soap swimming through the sitting room when he entered. You were here, you had to be. Severus closed the door behind him, placing his things on the couch and removing his shoes before heading upstairs to his room, your room. He smiled as he saw the door half open, your figure lying tired on your now shared bed fast asleep. He looked over at the clock and squinted. It was only 6 o’clock but judging by the smell of the house, he knew the first thing you did when you got home was start cleaning the house, he’d been neglecting these past few months. You never asked him to take better care of your belongings or this house when you were gone, and he could never understand why. This was your home, the house you’d grown to love and he knew you didn’t like coming back to looking the way it did. But you never complained, you never spoke a work, You only asked that he take care of himself. Every time you returned, he felt guilty for letting you come back to a filthy house, but he could never bring himself to care for a place that never cared for him.
Severus removed his thick cloak and gently laid it atop you, wondering why you’d crashed on top of the covers rather than beneath them. He wanted to slip into bed beside you, his body and mind aching from the long day he had, but he needed to do something for you, for the both of you. It was time he accepted Spinner’s End could never be the home Hogwarts was, but a home he could live in, nonetheless. Closing the door behind him, he made his way back downstairs and into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, expecting to find a few miscellaneous items, he let out a sigh of worry, realizing you’d gone grocery shopping as well. The fridge was full, easily two weeks’ worth of groceries stocking the shelves.
His guilt seeped in with every item he picked out, hoping he could one day make up for his own neglect. You shouldn’t have to care for him the way you do, tiring yourself out while picking up his slack, trying to make up for his decision to neglect himself and this house, your house. It didn’t matter to him that this was the house he lived in now, the house he could never seem to escape, nor did he care. But every time he thought of it as the place where you lived, the place you came back to over and over again, your house, your home, it broke him to pieces. With every slice of the knife, he thought about all the ways Spinner’s End had failed you since you moved in. The loud arguments from the neighbours, the stares and glares at the market, the broken pipes, the splintered wood, the small space.
Yet you always found a way to brighten up whatever situation you were in. He did love the bookshelves you’d found together, the ones that now lined every wall in the sitting room, waiting to be filled with as many books as they could take. He loved the taste of the tea you picked out, the smell of the candles you insisted on buying and pictures you made him take of the two of you, scattered all over the house. Those pictures were the only thing that kept him together while you were gone, the only reason he came back here when he knew you wouldn’t be there to greet him.
He put the dish in the oven and sat back, looking up at the window where you’d hung the photo taken on his last birthday. His eyes full of nothing but happiness in that moment, never leaving you as you placed a small cake in front of him, singing happy birthday. He would always treasure that moment, the feeling of being loved, celebrated and appreciated. But most of all, he treasured the idea of sharing such a memory with you over and over again as the years went by, as you grew old together and continued building your life. Maybe one day you’d make enough memories to fill this house, enough to cover up the darkness that stained every corner of this house from all those years living with his parents.
Taking the dish out of the oven, he reached for the plates he never touched unless sharing a meal with you, the plates you’d bought together along with the silverware. Turning on the kettle, he took out two teacups, and their saucers. He began to set the little table in the kitchen, happy there were two of everything. He smiled at the beauty of the pieces you’d both worked for, hoping one day the whole house would make him feel this happy. When the kettle began to whistle, he turned off the stove, poured the tea and carefully cared them to complete the table.
“So,” Severus turned around, his smile widening when he saw you walking towards him. “I woke up and there was this giant cape draped over me.”
You gestured to the black fabric tossed over your shoulders, dragging on the floor as you walked. It felt like you hadn’t seen him in forever, these last few months the hardest of your travels, knowing it would be the last for this year, that you’d have a lot more time with Severus this time. You were so excited to see him, you could hardly pay attention during your last game. All you could think about was coming home, seeing him and celebrating the end of your season and his studies. Two full years had gone by since the beginning of your life after Hogwarts. You were so used to life with Severus on Spinner’s End, playing Quidditch with your team and travelling all over the world that it felt like decades had gone by and yet, at times, it felt like no time had passed at all.
“It’s a cloak, not a cape,” Severus smiled as he walked towards you, meeting you halfway. He felt his heart warm with relief at the sight of you, his tense muscles completely relaxing like every worry, every problem he ever had had just melted away. Your lips formed the most beautiful smile, your eyes sparkling much brighter than the last time he saw you. Slowly, he pushed aside his cloak and slipped his hand along your waist, pressing you into him. You through your arms over his shoulders in response, your smile stretching from ear to ear as you stared back at him. You could hardly contain the happiness you felt, your heart pounding so hard you thought it might explode.
He wanted nothing more than to look into your eyes for the rest of his life, but his body gravitated towards you, his arms completely wrapped around you, pulling you into him as much as he could. His grip had never been so strong, his face completely buried in his own cloak as he hugged you.
“Severus,” you said, trying to get him to loosen his grip. He only mumbled in response, his hold on you never once faltering. You could never dream of someone loving you this much, and at certain times, that’s what your life felt like: a dream. You we’re apart more often than you were together since he started his Mastery, but the days you had together made up for every second of that. It was always like this, neither of you unable to keep your hands off each other. Nothing but happy memories were created when you were together, even if it was as simple as silently reading in bed or cuddling to the fire, your hearts filled to the brim with love for one another. “Sev, as much as I miss and love you, I do need to breathe.”
Severus immediately loosened his grip, realizing just how tight his hold on you was. He couldn’t help himself. There wasn’t a single moment in his life since he met you that he needed you more than he did now. You were the only reason he’d made it this far in his Mastery without turning to darker means of solving his problems. Instead, he bit his tongue, let your voice, your light guide him to complete his studies the right way and it meant the world to him that you’d be here when it was all over.
“I’m sorry. I just missed you so much.” He smiled at you as he held you, his hands refusing to let go of your waist, your warm hands a missed comfort laying on his chest. He could stay standing here for the rest of his life just to stay near you, happily dying in this very spot in this horrendous house so long as you were with him. But alas, Death would never be so kind as to give him such a gift and he would never bear it if Death claimed you along with him. Severus looked over at the set table, looking forward to finally sharing a meal with you, to share a bed with you again after so long. Reaching to the cloak you’d fastened around your neck, his hands went to relieve it from your shoulder when he felt a sharp sting from your own hand swatting him away.
“And what, may I ask, do you think you’re doing?” you asked as you took a step back and gripped the cape protectively. You pressed your lips together trying to contain your smile. You loved teasing him, something you’d begun to do more and more of these last two years.
“Taking back my cloak, as I assumed you didn’t want it by your complaints,” Severus rose a brow at you, wondering what it was that gave you such a need to act like he’d tried to take away your broomstick.
“I was not complaining,” you countered, letting your hands slide down the fabric. You loved this new piece of clothing he’d bought for himself. You’d told him before you left in September, he needed to find himself a winter coat, but you never imagined him coming home with something as dramatic as this. Only a few months of owning it and it already smelled like him, a delightful smell to wake up to, something you missed more than anything. “And no, I like your cape, I think I’ll keep it for a while.”
“It’s not a cape,” Severus corrected you once again, knowing full well you only continued misnaming it because you knew it bothered him. A cape. What a ridiculous notion. Why in Merlin’s name would he wear a cape like some sort of Muggle child. He turned around and took a seat at the table, hoping his action would derail you from your never-ending mission of irritating him.
“Really? Does it not billow behind you when you walk? Does it not drape over your shoulders when you wear it?” You spoke dramatically, gesturing the motions of the cape with your hands, your chin raised with the pride you knew he felt when he wore his cape. You hadn’t seen him wear it, yet you knew it suited him well. You always knew hidden behind that silent boy at Hogwarts was a dramatic man ready to save the world with his gifts, you just never thought he’d express it so boldly.
“A cloak does both of those things.” Severus rolled his eyes at your absurd argument and crossed his legs. He missed this. It was a stupid thing to miss, he knew that. Bickering wasn’t exactly something any couple strived to achieve, but he loved your little back and forth conversations about things that didn’t matter. He loved hearing your voice, seeing the passion in your eyes. He loved any conversation he had with you and he didn’t care what subject matter you discussed nor did he care who was right. He just wanted to be with you, to talk with you, to destress through you.
You smiled at him before looking down at the set table, realizing he must be starving, knowing he hadn’t eaten a thing all day. The topic of his eating habits was one you knew would never end and it annoyed you more than anything. Every time you saw him, you begged him to eat something, to care for himself and bring some food with him to the potion-mixing room, to at the very least eat breakfast before leaving. But every time you returned, you were disappointed to see he’d continued to neglect his food, getting skinnier with each visit. You worried for him, for his health and his wellbeing. But now that he was about to graduate, you hoped things would be different, that you’d be around more to help him regain himself again.
“I made your favourite,” Severus said, noticing your eyes fixed on the dish in the center of the table. He felt his heart flutter when he saw you smile, your eyes sparkling with joy as you quickly took your seat. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a proper meal, though it was likely the last time he’d seen you. He hated eating at this table alone, memories of his father walking into the kitchen and interrupting his breakfast to tell him he took up too much space always came flashing back when he sat here alone. But with you, things were different. He didn’t think about that past, he thought of the future and the countless meals you’d share together, the celebrations you’d have together.
“You didn’t have to do all this,” you said with a soft smile, knowing very well he only did this to pamper you. You didn’t think it was possible, but you thought he somehow was able to miss you more than you did him. He always went out of his way the first week you came back, constantly neglecting his studies, trying to make the most of every second you had together like it was the last you’d ever share. You were always trying to tell him to slow down, to focus on his studies, that you’d have the rest of your lives together, but you always failed to convince him.
“It was the least I could do after neglecting this house all these months.” This always happened. You came home, he felt guilty, he promised himself he would do better, and the cycle continued. Perhaps this time would be different. Perhaps this time his mind would be fully with you, he’d enjoy baking cookies with you during Christmas, enjoy opening your gifts, enjoy cuddling by the fire with hot cocoa. He wanted so badly to enjoy every bit of those moments with you, but his mind always wondered elsewhere. Not today, not this time.
“I know you’ve been busy with your studies Sev. I’m sure the house understands,” you tried to reassure him as you served him first, putting a reasonable amount of food on his plate, knowing he’d complain about the portion size. You put an equal amount on your plate and began to eat, making sure Severus did the same. “Speaking of, how are things going with your Mastery?”
“Slow. I thought I’d be done by now.”
“You’re graduating a year early! You’ll be finished your studies sooner than anyone else and you think it’s been slow?” Always so ambitious and you loved him for that. But sometimes you worried his ambition got the better of him. He undermined his achievements more often than he celebrated them, which was why you were going to make sure he celebrated properly once he received his degree.
“I’d be finished by now if that toad of a man left me be instead of trying to hover over me to take credit for everything I do,” Severus scoffed in irritation, his grip on his cutlery tightening. He hated his supervisor. And to think he was at one point honoured that he’d accepted him into his program, that he was one of the few in the World that got to study under such a man. Now he knew why he accepted so few candidates, why all the candidates had the highest marks. He was a fraud, cheating and lying his way to the top. “I’ve been memorizing my results every day, writing them down when I got home and keeping them here to prevent any thievery which has slowed down my work drastically.”
“Severus, that’s a bit extreme,” you argued, worrying for him over what he was saying. You knew that he was struggling, that he’d come to know he wasn’t learning from a Potion’s Master at all but a thief, claiming the work of his apprentices in exchange for funding. But you didn’t think Severus would fight back so hard. Your concern for his career grew. You didn’t want it ending before it even began, knowing how much power his supervisor had in the Potion’s community.
“What else am I to do? I can’t let him take credit for the work I’ve done.”
“I can’t wait for you to get out of there. I hate how horrible he is to you.”
Severus hated burdening his troubles on you. But it felt good. It felt good to have someone on his side, to support him when everyone else was against him.
“Just a few more weeks,” he whispered as he took another bite of food. Time couldn’t go fast enough. He wanted it to be over, to be free so he could go on and show the Wizarding World what real skill looked like, but for now, he would have to try and live through your victories instead. “How was your final game?”
“Oh, we lost. It was no surprise though with our best keeper out of commission, there was only so much we could do,” you said with a smile. You couldn’t care less what the outcome of the game was. You were just happy the season had ended. You loved your team and you loved playing Quidditch, but you grew tired of it and your body ached for a break from the constant training.
“You don’t seem awfully upset about the loss,” Severus raised a brow. You were usually very enthusiastic about Quidditch, especially during the first year you began playing professionally. He could still remember how happy and excited you were for your first game, wanting him to be there, sitting at the top podium to watch you play. He’d never seen you so determined before. You wanted your first game to be a win and you got your wish, the work and effort you put in paying off in the end.
“Honestly, I could only think about seeing you again the entire game. I didn’t care if we won or not, I just wanted to go home.” And that was the truth. You cared much more about him than you did anything else in the world, and that included Quidditch. You could tell he’d been struggling through the few letters he’d sent you, that he’d been unhappy alone in this house, alone at the potion-mixing room. The moment you felt his pain through his writing, you wanted to drop everything and return to him. Owls weren’t fast enough and words could never express how you felt. You needed to see him, to be there for him and help him out of the misery he found himself in.
You finished up the last of your food and picked up your teacup to finish up your tea. You looked down at Severus’ plate and as expected, saw he’d only finished half of what you’d served him. You both had a lot of work ahead of you and it had to start with self-care. Severus needed to learn to put himself before his studies, before anything, before you. You only wish it would be as simple as flipping a switch. At least he’d eaten something, which was likely an improvement on his current eating habits. Half a meal was a start you could work with.
“Thank you for cooking Sev. It was delicious,” you said.
Severus sat back in his seat and smiled, delighting you enjoyed the meal as much as he did. You’d barely been reunited an hour and already he felt like the happiest man alive. He couldn’t begin to imagine what his life would be like right now without you, how he’d be in a constant state of sadness and frustration. At least he could do this for you to make up for the fact that you spent your days off supporting and comforting him. Severus stood and reached for your empty plate, intending on clearing the table but you stopped him before he could pick up a single item.
“No, let me do that.” You quickly shooed away his hand and grabbed your plate along with his. “You’ve had a long day and you haven’t gotten a chance to rest.”
You placed your empty dish in the sink and his on the counter, waiting to be put away and turned back towards him. You smiled at him as you removed his cape and immediately began to miss his scent constantly surrounding you. He looked so tired, it was a wonder he was able to stay awake enough to make and eat dinner. “Run a bath and I’ll meet you upstairs?”
Severus nodded and took his cloak back before you leaned in to give him a quick kiss. He watched you pull out your wand to clear the rest of the table before he made his way out of the kitchen, unable to help himself from looking back at you. He loved seeing you in this house. He’d completely forgotten this was his childhood house when he saw you so comfortable in it. With you here, it was just a place he shared with the person he loved, a home you were building together. You made it all worth it, the sadness he felt coming home to an empty house when you weren’t here, the stress he felt during his studies, the loneliness he endured every night. It was all worth it just to have a few moments like this with you.
With a deep sigh, he tore his eyes away from you and made his way up the stairs. He walked to the bathroom and turned on the faucet to fill up the tub, adjusting it to your preferred temperature. He rummaged through the cupboards and added some bath salts and oils, putting aside the last few rose petals you had left, knowing you’d scold him for using them up, saying he should have saved them for a special occasion. But this was a special occasion to him. What could be more special than the love of his life returning home after being away for so long? Absolutely nothing.
While the tub filled up, he walked across the hall and opened his parents’ room. He always kept this room closed and for the first year and a half, no one ever went near this room. You respected that he wasn’t ready to move in here despite the fact that it was larger than his room and he loved you even more for it. Slowly, he walked to the edge of the bed, sitting down on his mother’s side. He reached over to the nightstand and opened it, reaching in to grab the small pouch he’d hidden in here the first day you’d moved in together. He emptied the pouch into his and stared down intently at its contents.
He’d been coming in here a lot lately, especially when you weren’t here. He missed you beyond belief these last few months, his heart breaking every night when he went to bed alone. He was almost ashamed to say he cried most nights. He had nothing to look forward to when you weren’t here with him and surprisingly, he found comfort sitting in this room. He imagined himself moving into this room with you, surprising you one day when you came home to a larger room, a larger bed, a nightstand of your own, a secondary bathroom with a bigger tub, a big window letting in the sun when you woke up in the morning next to one another.
He dreamed of a day where you both pledged to spend the rest of your lives together, a day where he’d take out the ring he held in his hand and ask you to marry him. Marriage was never something he thought he would consider with how horrible a marriage his parents had. But when his mother sent him her family ring, the Prince family ring, he knew Fate was on his side. He knew he would ask you eventually, he knew that you were meant to be the day he realized you loved him just as much as he did you. But time fought against him. Excuses after excuses. He could never find the right time to propose, you were too busy, he was busy, he couldn’t find the perfect location, the weather wasn’t right. He wanted it to be perfect, to be the best day of both your lives but he couldn’t figure out how to achieve that just yet. For now, he put the ring back into the nightstand and closed the door, hiding away his dreams to be shared another day.