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It was a bad day. That's what his therapist called them. Jean liked to call them the 'days full of shitty situations'. Because no matter how hard he tried, those days always were horrible. And Jean tried. He really did, okay? Everything felt heavy and suffocating and too much. Some days, he couldn't even stand the sight of an exy court and on some days, he just couldn't stop practicing. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he's in USC and he is safe, there was that horrible feeling. Like if he make a mistake, he'd end up with more bruises and bleeding wounds and broken bones.
But that particular day was a bad day with a capital B. He haven't had a bad day this bad in ages and it terrified Jean. The hours leading up to the morning practices passed in a blur and he was avoiding his boyfriend. It wasn't Jeremy's fault. But some twisted part of his brain connected 'captain', 'striker' and 'jersey number one' in a way that made Jean queasy and even though a rational part of his brain told him that Jeremy would never- a voice that sounded eerily similar to him sneered at him.
"Even if he wouldn't, how long would it take for your precious captain to realize that you are too fucked up to deal with? That he could have someone- anyone better than your pathetic self?"
The morning practices went, surprise surprise, terribly and Jean felt like a stranger in his own skin. Like he's wearing a sweater that is way too tight. His scars itched and his head felt like it's splitting in half.
He knew that Jeremy would've asked him to take the day off and have some time for himself. But it sounded like a dream. Something unreachable and unrealistic. What real was the fact that his life depended on how well he played and slacking off meant letting himself fall behind the others. It wasn't something Jean had the luxury to afford.
Jeremy didn't even question Jean for already running laps around the court when he showed up with the rest of his- their teammates. Jean corrected instinctively. Something he haven't done in a long time. It's been quite a while since he thought of himself as anything but a Trojan.
How disappointed would your sweetheart be if he knew about this, huh?
The unwelcoming voice in his head taunted. Adding fuel to the burning haze in his mind.
With the bone deep tiredness and the uncomfortable itchiness of his scars and the pounding headache and the way too familiar voice that usually played like a soundtrack for his nightmares screaming inside of his head, he body checked Alix way too hard. Causing them to slam into the plexiglass wall. Slightly pained gasp left the lips of the the purple haired Trojan. Making Jean flinch back hard when he realized what he has done. And momentarily clearing up the fog in his head.
He didn't remember running out of the court and into the locker room. He didn't remember removing his practice gear. He didn't remember the time he spent under the scalding hot shower until the chattering outside died away. What he remembered was worry. The shock of betrayal in Jeremy's eyes when he shoved Alix into the plexiglass wall and the worry that was so obvious in soft blue eyes.
What emotions did cross Jeremy's face when he realized everything he did to help Jean was abso-fucking-lutely worthless? Disappointment maybe? He though bitterly while pulling on a powder blue t-shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants. Something Alvarez and Laila brought him, claiming his wardrobe is way too 'doom-y and gloom-y for SoCal.
He expected the locker room to be empty. So he was surprised to see Jeremy to waiting for him on a bench. Both of their bags by his feet and his eyes filled with strange swirls of emotions. One knee bouncing restlessly. Jeremy's restlessness was usually distinguishable from the nervous fidgeting. Both reactions had so many variants of energy that Jean spent an entire semester studying.
If Jeremy was drumming his fingers, that meant he is nervous and if he's fidgeting with the hem his sweater or jersey, it meant that he is just filled with some sort of an emotion. Probably overwhelmingly happy or excited. Taping his feet meant he is upset and bouncing of knees? That was Jean's least favorite one. Because the only times that made Jeremy bounce his knee was the moments before he scolded a bunch of freshmen players for ditching their classes and surfing in a stormy day.
"If you are just going to yell at me or bench me for the next three matches, hurry up captain. I have an assignment to finish."
His voice sounded cold for Jean's own ears. And a part of him flinched internally at the way he emphasized the word captain. It was a dirty trick. Bringing up something both of them struggled with at the beginning of their relationship. Because of Jean's previous captain figure and his sharp collection of knives and creative punishments and everything, it was hard for him to accept the mere concept of being friends with his new captain. Much less accepting the feelings about him.
And for Jeremy, tiptoeing the line between being Jean's captain and boyfriend was more like a complicated dancing routine.
"What? No. I mean, why didn't you tell me? Or did you even call Tessa?" Tessa was Jean's therapist who reminded Jean of Renee's strength and Abigail Winfield's kindness. "-or you could've told coach and-"
"And what? You would've made me take the day off? That's the only thing you could do, right Jeremy? Will you please stay away from me?! I just can't deal with you and your hyperactive energy! It's way too much for me!!"
Another dirty trick. Jean knew Jeremy's bitter history with being told that he is too much. Too much energy to be boyfriend material. Too much of a peacemaker to be a proper and good exy player. Too positive to be realistic.
It was a bitter lie. Jeremy wasn't too much for Jean. But at the moment, with painful memories still swirling in his mind and feeling so out of place in the brightly lit golden locker room, Jean's first instinct was to lash out and hurt and hide his fears and push away the comfort he knew that Jeremy is trying to offer. It was something the Nest planted in his head. A way Riko used to hurt him with. Taking away his comfort after painful training-to-be-a-proper-raven sessions from both Riko and the master. Even with Riko buried six feet under and coach Moriyama out of the country, Jean's instinct was to deny himself of the soothing comfort. Of Jeremy.
The pain flared up in his chest at the hurt look on Jeremy's face felt like a punishment. It hurt worse than the memories that's been haunting him whole morning. Jean's second instinctive reaction to that pain was to run away. To get as far away from Jeremy as possible and stop looking at the tears that made Jeremy's blue eyes sparkle because of him. Because he made Jeremy cry.
He forgot how Jeremy always did the things Jean least expected him to do. How when he expected punishments, Jeremy offered hugs and how when he expected extra practices Jeremy offered soft dates. He forgot how when his response to hurt was running away, Jeremy's was comforting those who hurt him.
That's how he reacted to the hand that touched his elbow in way he would never forgive himself for. Because his third instinct was to physically lash out. The shocked gasp that left Jeremy's lips was nowhere near as painful as the sight of Jeremy's red cheek. The second he laid his eyes on his boyfriend Jean realized three things.
One : He punched Jeremy for literally no reason at all.
Two : There's going to be a big bruise on Jeremy's face for days.
Three : If it was someone else, they would've returned the punch.
But Jeremy –because of course– took a step back. His big blue eyes as wide as the sand dollars one of the freshmen girls gifted Jean. And two big fat drops of tears trailing down his cheeks.
Jean's head blocked out every thought and feeling except for the fact that he hurt Jeremy.
Jeremy with smiling lips and sparkling eyes and a heart bigger than the entire west coast. Jeremy with careful touches and soft words and a comforting presence. And Jean took that smile away and that sparks away and broke that heart in a brutal way that he could never forgive himself. And Jean returned those soft touches back in a way that would leave a mark on Jeremy and that would hurt him.
He didn't remember running all the way back to the campus. He didn't remember knocking on the dorm room door of one of their backliners, Alisa. Knowing Alvarez spent her free time with her when Laila is in her class. Something about gals being pals that he didn't bother asking. And he didn't remember the tears that has been blurring his sight until the girls handed him a box of tissues.
"I fucked up." Was all he could get out before silent sobs began wracking his entire frame, causing the girls to share shocked look before offering him ice cream and soft blankets and taking his bag away from him gently before pulling him into a warm hug.
"It wasn't his fault Laila. He was having a bad day and I knew it. I should've given him space." Jeremy told Laila, who was holding a pack of frozen peas to his cheekbone. It throbbed lightly. But that dull ache was nothing compared to the pain in his chest. And his anger toward himself. He knew Jean didn't mean what he said. He knew that lashing out both verbally and physically were Jean's instinctual reactions when he is scared. And he also knew Jean deserved better than him. But for Jeremy? There was no one in the world he'd be with except Jean and he just knew that Jean is probably freaking out somewhere by himself.
Making Laila sneak out of her class was not something he intended. When he texted her to pick him up from the court with tears blurring his vision, he felt like he is one step away from crumbling down. It was an impulsive act. Something Jeremy had a knack for doing. He had to find Jean. He had to tell Jean that he is sorry for being annoying. He had to let Jean know that he isn't upset.
Jeremy stood up while pressing the pack of peas back to Laila's palm and a kiss to her forehead. Something they did ever since they were little kids.
Jean was a person who seeked the comfort of familiarity. Usually, Jeremy did his best to help Jean during his bad days.
Jeremyopened the door to their room with his key. Not surprised at all to see how Jean apparently has opened all the windows. Allowing the bright Californian sun beams to enter their room. It was another thing Jean did. A grounding mechanism that was supposed to remind him of how far he's come from the boy who was hurt in the darkness of the Nest.
But the big yellow teddy bear who sat in the middle of their room while holding a basket full of chocolates? That was new. Jeremy crouched down next to it, brows furrowing. There was a note tucked between two bars of cashew nut chocolate.
A soft smile made it's way into Jeremy's lips at the sight of familiar cursives.
Mon rayon de soleil,
I am so sorry. I was having a 'bad day' as you and Tessa like to call it. And even though you did nothing wrong and have every right to be mad at me, I hope I beg you to forgive me. You could never be too much for me. Because you are the best boyfriend anyone could hope for.
—Jean <3
Ps : According to Alvarez, letters are supposed to be romantic. But Alisa says it's better than stuttering.