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“Junnie-ah.” I’m going to die. Soobin’s deep, amused voice fills his ears. Yeonjun feels his hands curling into fists, cringing as he shrinks in on himself.
Okay. He can do this! It’s not like Soobin has never said it before (although the first time he did, Yeonjun had spilt coffee all over himself, but he digresses), it’s just. It’s just that this time it’s different. Yeonjun’s not meant to react. If he does, he loses, and he detests losing. So he won’t react. He won’t.
“I love you, Junnie-ah.” Is it bad that the nickname is doing it for Yeonjun? He struggles to not react, especially with the way Soobin’s hand is resting on his shoulder, the way Soobin immediately bursts into laughter and falls into him as he’s done a million times before. Yeonjun inhales sharply, the sound of their fans’ squealing and the emcees’ shouts overwhelming him.
All he can see is Soobin.
“Give me one more chance, please,” he requests, steeling himself. He’s committed now - no way in hell is he losing. The emcees agree, and Soobin returns to his original position, the playful smile dropping off his face as he meets Yeonjun’s gaze.
Truth be told, Yeonjun knows he’s just acting, but. But he hates the look on Soobin’s face, the way he puts on this cold mask that isn’t him, even if for a split second. Yeonjun swallows and jumps forward.
“Soobin-ah,” he coos, pitching his voice, “I love you!” He pushes at Soobin’s chest and jumps around a bit, going for that annoying and cringy tone that fans still adore. But nope. Nothing. Not even a smile. Soobin stares at him blankly, and he knows he’s lost.
“Soobin’s turn!” The emcee shouts. Yeonjun’s heart sinks when Soobin steps forward with a grin.
“Junnie-ah.” He tries not to shiver when Soobin runs a hand down his cheek. Warm. So, inexplicably warm. He grabs Yeonjun’s chin lightly, grinning. He forces his gaze down, knowing full well that Soobin is wearing a shit-eating grin. “I love you.” Soobin tugs at Yeonjun’s choker, just the slightest bit, hand travelling to pat him on the back gently. Yeonjun is dead. Gone. Deceased. Goodbye, cruel world.
And then. Then. Then he presses his forehead against Yeonjun’s, and he’s oh so tempted to just kiss the younger man right then and there. Because this- this isn’t fucking fair! Soobin has to have some inclination towards Yeonjun’s (mild, very, very mild) infatuation with him. He’s not doing a great job of hiding it right now, cheeks burning as he steps away. The judges laugh, as does Soobin, crying, “You failed!”
Yeonjun spends the rest of the show determinedly not thinking about Soobin and his stupidly deep voice and his dimples and his lips.
<3
He fails.
It’s 3 in the morning and he can’t sleep. He tries. He counts sheep until he reaches triple digits and gives up, he tries to think of someone other than Soobin (his mom, Taehyun, that cute cashier at the restaurant near their dorm), but nothing’s working. He shoves his face into his pillow to muffle his screaming.
Surely Soobin has noticed by now. Surely! Because it’s partly for fanservice, he’s not an idiot, he knows how the fans will react every time he pretends to kiss Soobin on the cheek, but at some point he kept doing it even when the cameras were off, even when they were just tucked together in a dark corner of their dorm, whispering about nothing and everything to each other.
He avoids the maknaes knowing gazes, the way Huening Kai not-so-subtly winks at Yeonjun every time they interact or the way Taehyun smirks at him (that little shit) when Yeonjun blushes whenever Soobin reciprocates his (joke, totally a joke) flirting, or the way Beomgyu just straight up asked Yeonjun if there were dating, and if not, to fucking get together already, and make it quick, I’ve got 10000 Won riding on this-
It’s just that Yeonjun is terrified. He can already picture the reaction to his desperate confession, the way Soobin would frown, sympathetic, and say in the most gentle voice possible, “I’m sorry, hyung, but I don’t feel the same way.” And he would never intentionally break Yeonjun’s heart, would do his best to let him down easily, but heartbreak was heartbreak no matter how it was received and Yeonjun would want to die after that, would never be able to look Soobin in the eyes ever again.
So he takes what he can get.
He squeezes his eyes shut and imagines a world where maybe, just maybe, Soobin feels the same. Where Soobin would laugh, warm and open, and pull Yeonjun closer closer closer until their lips touched and he would whisper, “I love you too, hyung,” and that would be fucking perfect if not for the fact that it was impossible.
Yeonjun’s hand reaches up and touches his lips lightly, remembering a time where he was tempted, so fucking close to just kissing Soobin right then and there. It was a joke, at first, a little bit of fanservice for the camera, urging Soobin to look forward, but then Soobin hadn’t and Yeonjun had kept leaning closer and closer until-
Until Soobin knocked their foreheads together, smirking, and Yeonjun lurched back. Afraid. But it had happened, their lips had brushed for the slightest moment, he had felt it, his face burning. Soobin didn’t seem affected at all, and- it was killing him. Later that night he had shoved a hand down his boxers, jerking himself off hard and fast until he spilt into his hand, Soobin’s name on his lips. So that was something.
Yeonjun gives up on sleeping for the night, slipping out of bed and walking to the kitchen. At the very least, he can get some ice cream, put on a Ryan Reynolds movie, and wallow in his pain.
Except for the fact that Soobin is standing in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water, and Yeonjun’s throat dries.
Soobin is- attractive. Yeonjun knows that. His members know that. Hell, the whole world knows it.
So why is it so glaringly obvious, right now? Even under the bright, fluorescent lights of their kitchen, Soobin looks beautiful, tall and graceful and somehow attractive while drinking water, was that possible? Can someone look handsome while drinking water? Yeah, probably, if they were Choi Soobin.
Yeonjun can’t take his eyes off of Soobin, until the taller man finishes his drink and sets the glass down, smiling sleepily at Yeonjun.
“Hey, hyungie. Can’t sleep?”
“Uh,” Yeonjun says eloquently. “Yeah. Not tonight, I guess.”
“That’s fine.” Soobin stretches, exposing a sliver of milky white skin just above his hip. Yeonjun is going to pass out. “Wanna watch something, or just talk?”
Yeonjun wrenches his gaze from Soobin’s annoyingly toned stomach to his eyes. “Talk. Talking is fine.”
“Sure.” Soobin yawns, stretching a hand out and looking at Yeonjun expectantly. What were they doing, again?
Oh, right. Yeonjun accepts Soobin’s hand, trying not to focus on how fucking big his hands are, with large, warm palms and long fingers that are intertwined with his. Soobin gently leads them to Yeonjun’s room, shutting the door behind him and (unfortunately) letting go of Yeonjun’s hand. He mourns the loss of his warmth.
“Get in bed,” Soobin hums, and Yeonjun complies quickly. Oh, God, did he find Soobin giving him orders hot? That’s just- way too much. He stores that in a little box in his mind and tries to ignore it. Soobin slides into bed beside him, pressing against Yeonjun’s back. His hand comes up to rest on Yeonjun’s stomach, and Yeonjun, sickeningly, gently grabs his hand. Soobin sighs contentedly, tangling their legs together.
Yeonjun’s warm all over.
“What d’you wanna talk about?” Soobin mumbles, already sounding half-asleep.
“I don’t know. Just… tell me about your day.”
“‘Kay. I woke up late but we have the week off so it‘s fine. Then I went grocery shopping with the kids and got enough food and snacks and stuff…” Soobin trails off as he yawns, warm breath fanning across Yeonjun’s neck. “I also got you that shampoo brand you like because you’re out.”
“How’d you know I ran out?” Yeonjun asks, surprised.
“Mmm… ‘s your hair. It smelt different.”
Right. That makes sense. That’s normal. Soobin is just a thoughtful friend who notices everything, but that alone is enough to make Yeonjun melt, giving him false hope that will haunt him forever.
“Thanks, Soobinie.”
Soobin doesn’t respond, asleep. His breath comes out evenly and steadily, chest rising and falling with each one. Yeonjun sighs as the younger man shifts in his sleep, pressing closer against him.
Yeonjun wonders if he’s allowed to want this. It’s not like they had never cuddled before, typically finding warmth with each other, especially when they were trainees, but as they debuted and their schedules got more hectic, those days became fewer and farther between.
He had missed Soobin so much and had no idea until now.
“Hyung,” Soobin hums. Oh. He was still awake.
“Yeah, Soobinie?”
“I can hear you thinking,” he sighs. “Relax a little. You can sleep in too, we have, like, the whole week to rest...” he yawns again. “Just close your eyes. I’m right here, hyungie.”
Isn’t that the problem, Soobin? It’s you. You’re the reason I can’t sleep. You’re the reason I can’t focus because you’re so beautiful it hurts. You’re the reason I’m dying.
“Sorry,” Yeonjun says quietly.
“Don’t apologise.”
“Still. Just…” He sighs. “I’m sorry.”
“You haven’t done anything,” he hums, “but okay, Junnie-ah. I forgive you.”
The drop in honorifics didn’t slip by Yeonjun, but he can’t bring himself to chide the younger man. All he can think of is how deep Soobin’s voice is, how earnest he sounded when he said I love you, Junnie-ah. It just makes him think of something that’ll never happen again, not in the way Yeonjun wants it to.
“Thank you, Soobin,” he whispers.
The younger man doesn’t respond, soft snores filling the room. Yeonjun wills himself to relax, to let his body slump against his and breathe. It’s just Soobin. Just Soobin.
As he slips into a deep slumber, all he can think is: Soobin is so warm.
<3
Yeonjun dreams that night.
He wakes up, which has always been strange to him because you wake up in a dream just to wake up from that dream. Realising he’s in his bedroom, he blinks, groping around for his glasses and finding them on the bedside drawer, unceremoniously shoving them on and looking around. Everything feels so warm, but not in the sticky, overbearing heat kind of way; it feels like wrapping a blanket around yourself as rain pelts your window; it feels like sitting in the sun and letting it bask you with its glow; it feels like home.
(Like Soobin. Even dream-Yeonjun can’t get over him.)
He shuffles out of bed, yawning. He makes his way to the kitchen, wondering if some strange apparition will arrive because his dreams rarely make sense and the last time he dreamt that he chased after Beomgyu on a flying turtle because that little shit had stolen his apple.
But there’s nothing strange. It’s just- it’s just Soobin.
Soobin, with his glasses on, eyes puffy from sleep, leaning against the counter as he makes a cup of hot chocolate from himself. Now, that wouldn’t be entirely out of place - it was a very common occurrence in the morning, except for the way Soobin brightens, smiling in a way Yeonjun’s never seen before, setting his mug down to step forward and pull Yeonjun into a hug. Instead of suspecting anything, he immediately melts into the hug, sighing at the warmth.
Then it happens. Soobin pulls back, and Yeonjun barely has any time to despair at the loss because Soobin yanks him forward and kisses him.
And, God. It’s nothing like Yeonjun had ever imagined. He doesn’t fight it, letting Soobin take the lead and gently move his lips against his, one hand settling on his waist and the other intertwining with Yeonjun’s. It feels oddly familiar, Soobin doing it with practised ease as if he had done it a million times before.
(God, he wishes. Yeonjun wishes that were true.)
Finally, he pulls away, smiling. “Good morning, hyung.”
“Um,” Yeonjun says, like the genius he is. His lips are tingling. “I- Uh. Good morning.”
Soobin laughs warmly. “Still tired, huh? I wore you out too much last night.” Yeonjun flushes red at his suggestive tone. What the fuck is going on?
"I… I guess so," he says weakly.
"Wanna go back to bed? We're on break now, anyway." Yeonjun forces his eyes back up from Soobin's lips.
"Sounds good," Yeonjun agrees after a moment of hesitation. Yeah, everything's fucking weird, and he's never dreamt about Soobin this way before.
But he’s wanted this for God knows how long, and he wants to live in it forever.
“Soobin,” Yeonjun whispers later, when they’re tangled together under the covers, faces inches apart, “why do you love me?”
Soobin opens his eyes, smiling softly. “Do I need a reason, hyung?”
Yeonjun closes his eyes. “Yes.”
“Okay.” Soobin’s hand comes up to delicately trace Yeonjun’s features, and his breath hitches. “I think you’re amazing, hyung.” His thumb brushes over Yeonjun’s cheekbone. “I think you’re hardworking, kind, and honest. I think that you’re so insanely talented and that I’m so fucking lucky that you even looked my way. I think that there’s nothing that could stop me from loving you, ever.” The way Soobin looks at him makes him melt, moving his head slightly so he can press a kiss against Soobin’s palm. The unfiltered, raw affection is evident on his face, the way his eyes crinkle and his top lip disappears, dimples popping out. Yeonjun feels dizzy with want, with warmth, with love. All for him.
“I know that I will love you forever, hyung. The sun could swallow the earth whole and I will still hold onto you. Nothing will stop that.”
Yeonjun feels a familiar prickling sensation press against his eyelids, adams’ apple bobbing. The words are stuck in his throat. I feel the same way. I love you so much. I will never, ever stop loving you, Soobin.
But he’s never been very good with words, anyway. All he does is lean forward, pressing his lips against the other man’s, hoping that the kiss can convey everything he feels. From the way Soobin meets him halfway, Yeonjun thinks that it does.
<3
Yeonjun wakes up to fingers gently carding through his hair.
He blinks, almost lulled back to sleep by the gentle motion, sighing when nails gently scrape against his scalp.
"Hyung," he hears a voice so soft and familiar he melts, "hyungie, wake up."
"No," he whines, burying his face into his pillow. "It's too early."
"It's almost noon," Soobin laughs, stilling the drag of his fingers. "C'mon, the kids want to watch Squid Game.”
“We already watched the entire show, why are we re-watching it?”
Soobin shrugs. “Ask them. Get up, get up.” Yeonjun groans, turning so he can open one eye and look at Soobin, a pout evident on his face.
“Maybe if you give me a wake-up kiss, I’ll get up.” He grins when Soobin blushes, predictably, moving to open his mouth and sing just kidding, when Soobin leans forward and does just that, planting a gentle kiss on Yeonjun’s temple.
He barely has time to react when Soobin grins triumphantly, raising an eyebrow. “Up, up, let’s go!”
He grumbles some more, willing the blush away from his cheeks as he lets Soobin lift him into a sitting position, his large hand pressed flat against the small of his back. He distantly thinks that if Soobin wrapped both hands around his waist, it would fit perfectly between them.
Then he remembers.
His face flushes a bright red, blood flooding to his cheeks as he blinks at Soobin. The dream- with the kiss, and then- and-
“I know that I will love you forever, hyung. The sun could swallow the earth whole and I will still hold onto you. Nothing will stop that.”
Yeonjun is never one to remember his dreams, so why now? Why is his brain plaguing him with these thoughts? He’s trying (keyword: trying) to move on, but then stupid real-Soobin kisses him and dream-Soobin has to turn up with his perfect face and perfect voice and perfect everything and make Yeonjun fall in love all over again.
(Holy fuck, when did he admit he was in love?)
When he continues to stare at Soobin, lips parted in shock and face a shade of red not unlike a tomato, Soobin tilts his head and smiles.
“You okay, hyung?”
“Fine!” he yelps, jumping backwards. If Soobin thinks he’s acting weird, he doesn’t say anything, only reaching forward to ruffle his hair before standing.
“Go get changed, the kids are waiting.” With that, he walks out, leaving Yeonjun with a stuttering heartbeat and permanently red cheeks.
<3
Yeonjun starts to avoid him.
It sucks - he knows it sucks. He tones down the flirting both on and off camera, and the second the lenses are off of the five of them the smile drops from his face as he makes his excuses and leaves. The others are perceptive enough to notice something is wrong but they don’t interfere, only sending Soobin pointed looks that they think Yeonjun doesn’t notice but does.
Soobin tries to talk to Yeonjun, but each time he shuts him down quickly, refusing to make eye contact and wiggling his way out of it each time with flimsy excuses before he runs out of the room.
Yeonjun knows he can’t keep this up for very long, but he wants to avoid it for as long as he can.
It’s just- it’s just that every time he looks at Soobin all he can think of is the dream, and how desperately Yeonjun wants to kiss him every single time now. He settles for chewing on his lips and looking away from Soobin when they’re forced into the same room together with the others, but it doesn’t help that Soobin keeps frowning and pouting like a kicked puppy. It only makes Yeonun feel worse.
“Hyung, what the hell happened?” Beomgyu finally corners him one day after two weeks of running away, brows furrowed. Yeonjun winces.
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t play dumb. Did you guys have a fight or something?”
“No, we didn’t fight. It’s…” Yeonjun focuses on the wall behind Beomgyu, determinedly avoiding his stare. “It’s nothing, Gyu.”
“It’s not nothing, hyung. Come on, talk to me.” His gaze softens. “I won’t tell anyone if that’s what you’re worried about. You can trust me.”
“I know you won’t. I just… I don’t know. It’s stupid, okay?”
Beomgyu gestures for him to sit down, settling down on the stool next to him. “It’s not stupid, hyung. Don’t say that. Take your time, okay?”
Yeonjun swallows, cheeks uncomfortably red. “I… I think," he cringes, trying to phrase his words carefully so he doesn't sound like some teen girl gushing about the cute boy from maths class or something. "I have feelings for someone from the group.”
His eyebrows shoot up. “Really? Is it Kai? I told you, hyung, you guys may flirt a lot, but Taehyun will kill you-”
“What? No! No, it’s not Kai, and it’s not Taehyun.” He sighs. “Stop making that face, Gyu, it’s not you either.”
“Oh… ohhhh.” Realisation dawns on Beomgyu’s face. “Oh, it’s Soobin-hyung. Holy shit.”
“I know!” Yeonjun groans, burying his face into his hands. “It’s stupid, I know you were kidding all those times you asked if we were together but I actually fell for him! I feel so dumb, like-”
“I honestly wasn’t kidding, but continue.”
“Okay, shut up. It’s just. I mean, maybe I’ve always liked him. Maybe since we were trainees. But I- I didn’t think it would go so deep?” He feels like slamming his head into a wall. “And now I don’t know what to do.”
Beomgyu studies him critically. “So you’re avoiding him?”
“Be nice to me, I’m having a crisis.”
“Sorry, hyungie, but you realise this won’t do anything? You work together. Just- sort this out with him. I don’t think I can handle another one of his 3 am rants about you.”
Yeonjun’s head shoots up so fast he’s surprised he doesn’t get whiplash. “Soobin rants about me?”
“All the time. You guys are stupid. Now, go and talk to him.” Beomgyu shoves him off the chair, smiling softly. “Don’t panic too much, yeah? No matter what, Soobin-hyung loves you."
“Thank you, Gyu-ah. You’re… actually smart sometimes.”
“Yah! I’m always smart!” Yeonjun closes the door just as his shoe slams against it.
His confidence fades far too quickly after that.
Yeonjun sits on his bed, psyching himself up to just talk to him, but he’s glued to where he's sitting. He’s honestly tempted to just go to bed (at 5 in the afternoon), but Beomgyu would probably just nag at him to do it, which would be annoying.
“Hyung?” Soobin carefully opens the door, poking his head inside. “Hey. Can we talk?”
Oh, fuck. Fuck. It’s happening.
“Yeah, ‘course. C’mere.” He gestures for Soobin to close the door, patting the space beside him. He tries not to shiver when their thighs brush as Soobin sits down carefully, basking in his warmth. Everything in him is screaming for Yeonjun to kiss him, hold him, love him, but he can’t. He stares at his hands in his lap.
“Hyung,” Soobin says gently.
“Mm.”
“Yeonjun, look at me.” Yeonjun looks up, frowning at the drop in honorifics, momentarily forgetting his little crisis. “I… I heard you talking to Beomgyu just now.”
His stomach drops. “You did?”
“Yeah.” Soobin sighs. Yeonjun can hear it already. I’m sorry, hyung, but I don’t feel the same way. We can just stay friends. It’s for the group. You know I love you, I just- “Listen, hyung-”
“It’s okay, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun interrupts quickly, feeling his heart squeeze uncomfortably. “I understand. I…” His gaze drops to the floor, eyes stinging with tears. “I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen.”
“Wait. Hyung, what are you talking about?”
“I can explain it to the kids, we can work something out. I’m so fucking sorry for this, it was so unprofessional of me, I-” He lets out a watery laugh. “I promise I won’t let this get in the way of work anymore. I swear. We can just… forget this ever happened.”
“Hyung.” A warm hand reaches for his own, squeezing gently. “Yeonjun-ah. Look at me.”
“No,” he says stubbornly, staring at the long fingers intertwined with his.
“Yeonjun,” Soobin says softly. “You’re misunderstanding.”
“No, I’m not.” Don’t say that. Don’t get my hopes up.
“You are. Look at me.” Finally, Yeonjun wrenches his gaze up from the ground, meeting Soobin’s.
“What?”
Soobin looks so warm. He feels like he could melt in his gaze, burning from the inside out. He wants so much but he knows that Soobin would never give him that, not in the way he means.
“Yeonjun-hyung. I heard you talking to Beomgyu. And I-” Soobin laughs breathlessly. “I feel the same.”
Hope bubbles in Yeonjun’s chest. He tries to squash it down. “Don’t.”
“I’ve liked you for ages, hyung. Since we were trainees, when you helped me after I kept messing up during practice, and then you brought me out for bingsu after that to cheer me up.”
“Don’t, Soobin-”
“And I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, hyung. I like you so much.”
“Soobin, please.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever liked someone this much before. You mean the world to me. Yeonjun, I-”
“Stop!” The outburst startles them both, Soobin flinching backwards at the rise in volume.
He inhales deeply, his heart on the brink of ruin. “Stop. Soobin, I don’t know if you just feel sorry for me or what, but don’t lie to me. You can’t do that, that’s so fucking cruel of you. Just say it.”
Soobin blinks. “But- but I did!”
“No, say what you really mean!”
“I did, hyung. I like you! A lot!”
“You’re lying,” Yeonjun says stubbornly.
“I’m not lying,” Soobin protests. “I’m being serious, I’ve liked you for ages now.”
“Shut up.”
“I’m serious! Hyung, I thought you were the coolest person in the world. But after you took me out for bingsu, I realised you were so… human. And you weren’t as untouchable anymore. And before I knew it, I fell for you.”
There. There it is. That same look Yeonjun had dreamed of weeks before, the fondness evident in his voice. He startles at just how close their faces are. He can feel Soobin’s breath on his lips, warm. So fucking warm.
“Yeonjun.” His voice is as deep and soft as the day Soobin said I love you. I love you I love you I love you. Yeonjun thinks that if he’s dying, Soobin would be worth it.
“Yeah?”
“You’re stupid.” And then he kisses him.
And then he kisses him-
Yeonjun is melting. Soobin’s lips are so soft and he’s sighing into his mouth, reaching forward and pulling him closer, and he giggles deliriously and their teeth clash against each other uncomfortably till they’re both laughing, giddy. Then Soobin kisses him again.
“There. Do you believe me now?” Soobin tucks a lock of hair behind Yeonjun’s ear, grinning.
“Again,” he insists, “Say it again.”
“Yeonjun, I like you.”
“Again.” he tugs the younger in for another kiss.
“I like you. I like you so much. You’re amazing,” Soobin says in between kisses. “You’re beautiful. You’re also an idiot.”
“What the fuck-”
Soobin raises an eyebrow at him. Yeonjun is too busy staring at his swollen and spit-slicked lips to care. “You refused to believe me when I told you I like you.”
“I- I was afraid,” he defends quickly, ducking his head.
Soobin’s expression softens. “I know. It’s okay.” He grasps Yeonjun’s chin gently, tilting it up so their eyes meet. Yeonjun’s pretty sure his cheeks are flaming red. “We can figure it out together, yeah?”
“Yeah.” He forces himself to keep looking at Soobin, even though he’s pretty sure he’s going to melt into the floor any second. “I’m sorry that I avoided you. I… I had a dream and it fucked me over badly.”
Soobin tilts his head. “How so?”
“Uh. It’s stupid, I don’t remember a lot, but we were…” he swallows. “We were together, and you told me you loved me, and when I woke up I still remembered it, and then it made me think of how I wanted something I could never have. So.”
Soobin smiles, cupping his face gently with one hand. “You have me now, hyung.”
Yeonjun nuzzles his face into his palm, sighing. “I know. I’m just… I’m not sure if I’m still awake, or not.”
He grins at him. It’s not as blinding as it was before. Not like staring into the sun, not anymore. Just… coming home. “Want me to prove it to you?”
“Yes.”
As Soobin presses his lips against Yeonjun’s, tangling his fingers in his hair and leaning impossibly closer, Yeonjun thinks, maybe everything will be okay.