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San didn’t believe in love at first sight until he met Park Seonghwa.
He was a freshman in college, and Seonghwa was a year above him and also in the orientation committee. Seonghwa was very easy to like, he realized almost immediately; he’s always been famous for being considerate and charming, not to mention otherworldly handsome. Suffice to say, San tried the whole orientation period to get closer to the older, and succeeded.
In his second year, San finally confessed his feelings to a very surprised Seonghwa.
“I’m sorry, I know it’s sudden, but I feel like I should tell you,” He hurriedly added then. “You don’t have to say anything, it’s fine, I just wanted you to know at least—”
“Okay.”
San blinked at him, words dying in his throat. “…What?”
Seonghwa slowly grins at him. “Okay, I’ll go out with you.”
They started dating right away, and as happy as he was, he couldn’t believe his luck. He didn’t even think the older was interested in him that way.
In a way, he was justified to think so.
It has been a few months since they decided to go out, but Seonghwa has never gone beyond a kiss. Not that San is a sex-maniac or something, but he has dated his fair share of people and they have usually gotten to at least some heavy petting.
But not with Seonghwa, no. Sure, the older is a gentleman through and through. He treats San right; offering to pay for their dates, texting him sweet words every day, and walking him back to his shared apartment. But San is also aware of his fair share of exes, so it’s not like the older was a prude either. He just doesn’t understand why Seonghwa seems to draw a line with him, whether subconsciously or not he doesn’t know.
Nevertheless, San never has it in him to question his boyfriend. Maybe a part of him is afraid of the answer he’ll get.
***
“Hey, I’m hot, right?”
Wooyoung, his self-proclaimed best friend, blinks owlishly as San takes the seat in front of him at one of the outdoor benches on campus.
“Okay, what?”
“Just answer the question, Young,” San says, rolling his eyes.
“Uh, I guess so…?” Wooyoung replies unsurely, frowning slightly as if it pains him to say that. San wants to smack him on the head sometimes. Thankfully, Yeosang, his other friend, has his back. He raises his hand as if to hit Wooyoung, causing the younger to flinch defensively.
“Okay, so, hypothetically speaking, you would want to have sex with me, right?”
Wooyoung splutters then, and San can’t help the sense of satisfaction at his friend’s face. “What the fuck, San!”
“What? You agreed that I’m hot!”
“Ugh, this conversation is steering towards an uncomfortable zone,” Wooyoung says, making a face. “Yeo, help me out here!” He whines to the dark-haired male sitting on his side.
“I said hypothetically!” San protests.
“Is this about Seonghwa again?” Yeosang chimes in, munching on his bag of potato chips.
San deflates instantly, like a pathetic little balloon whose air has been let out. “Yeah,” He mumbles. “I just—I don’t know why he won’t touch me! We’ve been dating for a while now. Am I being weird?”
“Yes,” Wooyoung answers instantly, receiving a glare from his friend. Yeosang, always the voice of reason among the three of them, tuts at him. “What? They’ve only been dating for slightly over half a year. Literally, why are you so thirsty?”
“Have you seen the man?” San balks, incredulous. “He’s so handsome, and tall, and kind, and gentle, and smart, and—”
“—Ugh, here we go again,” Wooyoung mutters as San continues gushing over his boyfriend.
“I literally had a fat crush on him for two years since the first day of college!” San says. “And then I decided to try my luck and confessed, and he accepted right away? What if—” He chokes, “What if he, you know, doesn’t actually feel the same?”
“San,” Yeosang sighs. “Anybody with eyes can tell that he likes you. You spent months getting close to him, and he’s never as sweet to anyone as he is to you. He likes you, dummy.”
“Yeah, but does he love me?”
“Well, you’ll have to ask him,” Yeosang simply says.
“You know what I think?” Wooyoung pipes in, stealing Yeosang’s soda. “I think you’re just projecting your insecurity again. He’s a busy final-year student who doesn’t have as much time for you, and at the end of the year he’s going to graduate and go to work in a big fancy company while you’ll be stuck here for another year of lectures.”
Yeosang does smack Wooyoung up his head this time, but San has already processed what he said. He’s right; San’s aware of that. The dread of having to see Seonghwa off after graduation has been eating him on the inside for the past couple of weeks even though they still have months to go to the end of the year.
“Fine, sorry,” Wooyoung grumbles. “Anyway, if you’re worried about it so much, why don’t you make a plan to seduce him?” He wiggles his eyebrows. San stares at him.
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“Oh, you know, wear something nice, set the mood…” His friend says in a sing-song voice.
“I don’t know, San,” Yeosang adds uncertainly. “Maybe you should just talk to him. Tell him how you feel.”
San mulls over both his friends’ words. “I’ll think about it.”
True to his word, San did think about it. And a week later, he decided to go with Wooyoung’s plan, much to his friend’s delight.
“Oh, oh, did you get that thing I told you about?” Wooyoung asks excitedly, belly-flopping onto San’s bed. Sighing, he takes out a box from under his desk and hands it to Wooyoung, who wolf-whistles. The younger opens the box and pulls out the sexy lingerie San has ordered online, under strict instruction to be discreet to the seller, a few days ago. “Damn, I didn’t think you had it in you.”
San blanches at his friend. “You told me to get it!”
“Yes, yes, calm down. But I thought you would chicken out,” He says dismissively. He takes out the lingerie out of the box. It’s a delicate lacey piece that is baby pink in colour. It’s shaped like a pair of booty shorts, an extremely short one, so thankfully it still covers what needs to be covered.
“I should have gone with what Yeosang said instead,” San says regretfully. Wooyoung clicks his tongue at him.
“No way! You’ll look good, I promise. So Seonghwa’s coming over tonight, right? What about Mingi?”
Mingi, his roommate, is used to his antics by this point and understands when he needs some private time with his boyfriend. “Kicked him out for the night. He’s going to sleep over at his friend’s.”
Wooyoung smiles at him in approval, flashing a thumbs-up. “Okay, let’s get you ready and I’ll leave you to it.”
Several hours later, San is anxiously waiting for Seonghwa to arrive. He checks the last text he has sent the elder, telling him to let himself into the apartment, and received a winky face emoji as a reply. Needing something to do, he looks himself over again in the mirror.
He has worn the new underwear, and has donned an oversize sweater in a matching pink colour over it. The sweater is big enough that it covers almost halfway down his thighs, hiding the surprise underneath, which is not an easy feat considering San is definitely not a small man. Nonetheless, he’s swimming in his sweater, and he tugs the neckline up for the umpteenth time. He completes the look with a pair of white thigh-high socks, courtesy of Wooyoung’s supposedly brilliant mind.
San is busy trying to fix his hair into place when he hears the doorbell ring. A short while later, the sound of the door opening and soft footsteps can be heard. He braces himself.
“San?” Seonghwa calls from the living room.
“B-Be right there!” He calls back, hurriedly smoothing down his outfit. He stares at his reflection one more time, telling himself to be brave, and goes to open the door of his room.
“Sorry I took so long, I was—Oh.” Seonghwa’s eyes widen as San stands in the doorway. His eyes roam downwards over his body, taking in his appearance. A few seconds tick by and he still hasn’t said anything else. San starts to fidget in his spot, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
“Well?” He prompts, looking uncertainly for a reaction, any reaction, from the older. Suddenly, Seonghwa’s face is lit up with a big grin and he breaks into laughter.
Definitely not the reaction San was hoping for.
“What are you wearing?” Seonghwa says as he approaches him. “Oh, you are so cute, Sannie.”
San can’t help but pout at his words. He looks down at himself. Cute? You’re supposed to find me irresistible!
“San? Sorry, are you mad that I’m late?” Seonghwa asks, his smile morphing into a pitiful frown. “I’m so sorry, I took a little longer to finish my paper than expected.”
San waves his hands, quickly trying to ease his boyfriend. “No, no, I’m not mad. Uh, have you eaten? Should we watch a movie?” He plasters a smile onto his face, even though his embarrassment is burning up his insides. He feels kind of stupid, putting in so much effort into trying to look sexy for Seonghwa only for the older to not bat an eye at his outfit.
“A movie sounds great,” Seonghwa says, smiling in relief. San is weak for that smile, and he finds himself wrapped in his boyfriend’s embrace easily. “And no, I haven’t eaten. I’ll order some food while you set the movie?”
“Perfect,” San says, leaning in to peck his lips. The older chuckles.
“And San?”
“Huh?”
“You should put on some pants. You’re going to get cold,” He chides gently, because he’s Seonghwa; kind and thoughtful Seonghwa who’s worried that his little boyfriend will catch a cold for not wearing pants at home.
San’s smile grows strained, but Seonghwa doesn’t seem to notice. “Okay.” He resigns himself to another night cuddling on the couch watching a movie.
The night turns out to be rather enjoyable even though it didn’t go according to plan. Who is San kidding, he’ll always be happy with Seonghwa no matter what. Maybe he is overthinking thing. After all, it hasn’t even been a year since they got together.
“Hey, what are you thinking about?” Seonghwa whispers to him. San is jolted from his thoughts and realises that the movie is nearing its ending.
“Ah, sorry, just… Class stuff. Sorry I wasn’t paying attention,” San says sheepishly, gesturing at the TV. His boyfriend chuckles and ruffles his hair. San contemplates for a while, and decides to just say what he wanted to say when the night started. “Do you want to stay over? Mingi won’t be back until tomorrow,” He tries. He probably sounds too hopeful, but he can’t help it.
Seonghwa looks at him adoringly, then glances at the clock. “As much as I would like to, I can’t. I have a thing tomorrow morning so I need to get up early. Plus, I didn’t bring my stuff that I’ll need for tomorrow. I’m sorry,” He says instead. He looks truly apologetic, but San can’t help but feel disappointed.
“Oh, okay then.”
It must have shown on his face, because Seonghwa pulls him closer then. “Come here,” He murmurs, directing San’s face towards his own, and leaning in to press his plush lips on San’s. The kiss was slow and gentle, an epitome of Seonghwa, but San needs something more. Pushing his luck, he presses harder against the older, licking his lips and moaning softly when they part. He licks into the older’s mouth, earning a surprised gasp, and uses that momentary falter to climb onto Seonghwa’s lap.
“San, wait—” Seonghwa says in between kisses, his breathing laboured. “San—Stop.” He pushes San’s shoulders, holding him at arms’ length. San stares at him, his own chest heaving. Seonghwa’s lips look red and kiss-swollen and shiny with spit, and San’s sure his own looks the same. He can still feel the tingle of the other’s lips on his own.
Seonghwa catches his breath before glancing at the clock again then looking up at San. “I really need to go, Sannie. I’m sorry.”
Wordlessly, San gets off his lap. He walks him to the front door as usual, but mentally, he’s a little checked out. He barely even registers Seonghwa’s goodbye kiss to his cheek.
He probably should have told the older that his hair is a little dishevelled from their kissing, and if other people see they definitely would get the idea of what happened. But he didn’t. He just watched him leave with an apologetic smile.
Afterwards, he takes off the new underwear and dumps it into his laundry basket.
***
“I failed,” San mumbles, slumping on his desk. Wooyoung immediately turn to him while Yeosang just sighs.
“What? What happened?” Wooyoung asks, so San did. “Woah. I can’t believe it didn’t work.”
“You don’t get it. He pushed me away,” San says dejectedly. Yeosang sighs again, louder. San lifts up his head. “Okay, what?”
“I told you,” He says, lifting an eyebrow. “Just talk it out with him. It doesn’t have to be this complicated, you know?”
“Or,” Wooyoung interjects, a mischievous grin on his face, “You can try to make him jealous.”
“Jealous? Why?”
“Okay, picture this. What would you do if you see Seonghwa being close with another guy?”
“Cry, probably?”
Wooyoung rolls his eyes. “No, you’ll get angry for sure. You’ll throw a fit, and you’ll confront him. That’s the kind of reaction you want to get out of your boyfriend.”
“You want me to make him angry? I don’t know, that seems counter-productive,” San says, hesitating. “I mean, what’s the point?”
“You make him jealous; he’ll get angry for a while and then confront you; you talk it out, have an amazing make-up sex, and live happily ever after. The end,” Wooyoung says with a flourish. Complete with jazz hands. “Besides, you wanted proof that he really likes you, right? Well, there you go.”
Yeosang snorts. “Oh, like that’s definitely not going to blow in our faces.” He turns to San. “Trust me, that is a very bad idea.”
San bites his bottom lip.
San considered Wooyoung’s idea, he did, but he’s not confident he’ll be able to pull it off. For one, Seonghwa knows pretty much everyone San hangs out with, which is very limited to begin with: Wooyoung and Yeosang, of course; Mingi, his roommate; and Jongho, his smart junior that he often leeches homework off. There’s no way he’ll get jealous over them.
Also, he’s not sure Seonghwa is even capable of being jealous. He’s very patient, after all. San has told him about his exes before, and got almost no reaction from the older, so there’s that.
But then again, San’s never been rational when it comes to love. So he makes an attempt, at least. Wooyoung’s definitely a bad influence on him.
“Hey, Sannie. Wanna go to the river this Saturday? I heard it won’t be as cold,” Seonghwa says during one of their dinner dates.
San pretends to ponder. “This Saturday? Um, I have plans. Mingi invited me, Wooyoung, and Yeosang to a party. Said he wants to introduce us to someone.”
He feels a little bad when he sees Seonghwa’s smile falters a little. “Oh, okay, that’s too bad then. We’ll go next time.”
Ah, fuck. San is ready to admit he would rather spend the day with him than go to some party, but he must stay committed. He plans to be more aloof, a little distant, to show Seonghwa what he’s missing. But he’s already feeling his resolve crumbling at the other’s dejected expression.
“Maybe you can come with? To the party, I mean,” He suggests instead. Damn it, I’m not strong enough.
Seonghwa shakes his head. “Nah, you know that’s not really my scene. I’ll just hang out with Hongjoong. Then can I come over on Sunday? It’ll probably be a little late because I have a study group, but…” He trails off.
“Of course! I’ll make you dinner,” San says immediately, beaming. He’s relieved when Seonghwa’s smile returns.
Saturday rolls around, and upon Wooyoung’s insistence, San dresses up a little for the party: he’s wearing his nice black button-down and matching skinny jeans, his hair is tousled to the sides, and there’s black kohl smudged around his eyes. While waiting for Mingi to get ready, he receives a video call from Seonghwa.
“Hi, you,” He says easily.
“Ugh, Sannie, Hongjoongie is ignoring me for his music again,” Seonghwa whines on the other hand, camera panning to show Hongjoong sat on his studio chair in front of a computer, a headphone on his head. “He won’t pay attention to me—Oh.” Seonghwa’s face comes into view. “You look nice.”
San bites down a triumphant smile.
“Well, thank you.”
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’re trying to impress someone,” Seonghwa says with an odd look on his face. San feels his heart beat faster, and there’s a fluttering in his stomach that he can’t quite discern.
Is it working? Is he jealous?
“Maybe I am…?”
Seonghwa suddenly breaks into a laugh. “Aww, Sannie, you look so handsome!” San deflates again. Of course. “Well, anyway, have fun at the party, and drink responsibly!”
“You know I don’t drink. See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah, see you!” Seonghwa makes kissy faces that teases a laugh out of San as well and the call ends. San sighs. So much for making him jealous.
“Was that Seonghwa?” Mingi pops his head into his room.
“Let’s just go,” San grumbles, and the two set off to the party at Mingi’s friend’s house.
The party is already in full swing by the time they arrive. Wooyoung and Yeosang greet them at the door. Wooyoung already looks pretty sloshed, hanging off Yeosang who looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here. San gives him a sympathetic look, and they all follow Mingi further into the house.
“There he is! Hey, Yunho! Come meet my friends!” Mingi yells, waving a tall guy with dark hair over. The guy is tall, even taller than Mingi, which San doesn’t like, but he has a kind face that reminds him of a large dog, so he forgives him.
“Ah, yes, you must be the roommate, Choi San,” Yunho says when he’s near enough. “And I’m guessing you’re Wooyoung and Yeosang?” He gestures at the grinning blond, then at the other who’s struggling to hold his drunk best friend up. Yeosang gives a curt nod back.
“Nice to meet you! Your party’s cool! I’m gonna get more drinks!” Wooyoung loudly says—he’s pretty much yelling to be honest—and Yeosang’s left to run after him to make sure he doesn’t embarrass himself any further.
San winces. “Sorry about that. He’s better behaved, usually,” He says, then reconsiders. “Well, most of the time,” He adds. Yunho laughs at that.
“Anyway, do you want something to drink? I can get it for you,” He offers.
Mingi shakes his head. “Nah, I’ll get it. Wait here!” And he disappears into the crowd, leaving San alone with someone he’s just met.
San watches Yunho’s eyes follow Mingi as his friend walks away, then something suddenly clicks. He chuckles to himself. Yunho turns to him.
“What?” He asks, not unfriendly, but curious.
“Nothing,” San says, giggling. “Just, I’ll have you know, as his roommate, that he’s actually pretty disgusting at home.” Yunho raises his eyebrows. “Yep. Like, dirty clothes all over his room. I have to force him to do laundry and take out the trash. Don’t even get me started on doing the dishes, because I literally have to watch over him to make sure he does it properly.”
Yunho laughs. “Well, he sounds like a handful.”
“He is. But he’s a good friend, and he’s funny, and he’s considerate. But I’m sure you already know that,” San says, giving him a meaningful look.
Yunho looks speechless for a moment, but then breaks into a small smile. “That obvious, huh?”
“It is, but then again, I feel you. I was like you before, pining after someone.”
“Ah, right, Mingi mentioned you have a boyfriend. Is something wrong?”
San grimaces. He doesn’t know Yunho well enough to tell him his problems. “Well, no. Just the usual, you know. Relationships,” He replies vaguely. “Are you ever gonna tell him?” He asks, redirecting their conversation. Yunho doesn’t seem to mind. The taller just shrugs.
“Not now. We’re only getting close. Maybe later, though. I want to,” He says, then ducks his head as if embarrassed. “Sorry, didn’t mean to get all sappy when we’ve just met,” He adds, scratching the back of his head. San assures him it’s fine, and the two continue to talk.
Mingi comes back some time later with drinks and their other two friends in tow. Beers are drunk, and games are played, and before they know it it’s already way past midnight. Just before they leave, while waiting for their ride, Yunho pulls San aside.
He hands him a piece of paper with his number. San gives him a playful smile. “You know I could have just asked Mingi for your number?”
Yunho punches his arm good-naturedly. “Just take it. And… What we talked about just now… Do you mind?” He asks, gesturing towards Mingi who’s looking around for the car.
“Of course, I won’t tell him, don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me,” He says, smiling.
San wakes up past noon with minimal headache. Mingi has spent the morning bitching about his hangover, and then about the impromptu group project meeting he has to go to. San has sent him on his way after making him some hangover soup before falling back asleep. Now that he’s awake, he decided to take a shower and starts preparing for the dinner he’s going to make for Seonghwa. It’s still a little too early, but he’s planning on marinating the meat for a while.
By the time he’s done, it’s already in the late afternoon. He already sends a text to Seonghwa to hurry up and come or the food will get cold. A little while later, the doorbell rings, and San bounds to the door fully expecting to see his boyfriend. He’s surprised to see Yunho instead.
The other seems to be as surprised as him.
“Oh. Yunho.”
“Hey, San. Is Mingi home?” Yunho asks, peeking behind San as if someone as tall as Mingi can be hiding there.
“No, he’s out.”
Yunho sighs. “He promised to go shopping with me today. And he hasn’t responded to my texts.”
“Well, in his defence, he has this sudden group project meeting thing, but he should be home soon. Do you want to wait inside?” San says, taking pity on the taller boy. Yunho smiles gratefully and goes in after him.
The first thing he spots is the carefully set dinner on the table. “Ooh, fancy. Celebrating something tonight?” He asks, glancing at San who can’t help but blush.
“My boyfriend is coming over. It’s just dinner, nothing special,” He says, feeling a little embarrassed at the effort he put into the meal. “Do you think it’s too much?” He asks as an afterthought. Suddenly he’s worried that Seonghwa will find it burdensome. It’s not even a special day after all; San doesn’t even know why he made a simple dinner into a whole event like this.
“What? No way! If anything, your boyfriend is lucky to have someone as caring as you! And look at that, that looks good. I’m dragging Mingi to get food when he comes back.” Yunho says, patting his stomach. San laughs, pulling out a chair at the dinner table and pouring out water for his new friend.
“Make sure he pays for everything, since he made you wait,” He jokes.
“Oh, definitely,” Yunho replies, accepting the water. After a short pause of drinking, he turns to San with a careful expression. “So, I’m sorry for asking, but… Does your boyfriend, you know, not like it when you do this? Is that why you asked me if it’s too much?”
San frowns at him. “Of course not! Seonghwa’s not like that.”
Yunho backtracks quickly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep. It’s just—You mentioned having some issues last night, and I was just wondering if it’s related to that. But I know it’s not my place, I’m sorry.”
San looks away, fiddling with his fingers on the table. “No, it’s fine. It’s…complicated. But he’s really not like that. And I’m probably just overthinking it. Yeosang thinks so, anyway.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”
San studies Yunho carefully, then gives in. The guy looks as sincere as they come. “Nothing happened, per se. Seonghwa is a very gentle person. He’s very considerate and patient. Too patient,” He pauses, already feeling bad for talking behind Seonghwa’s back. “Sometimes I—I don’t know—I wonder if he even, ah, loves me?” His tone lilts a little at the end, as though asking a question, because he’s unsure of how to articulate his feelings. “It’s dumb, I know,” He voices out.
“It’s not dumb. Stop putting yourself down like that,” Yunho chides softly. “It’s a valid worry, and I think it’s normal for people in relationships to have worries like that about their partners. You should really talk it out with him, though. I’m sure it’s not true, but if it is, then, his loss. You’re a great person, San. He’d be stupid to not have seen that.”
San has to bite his lip to stop himself from crying. Yunho must have noticed anyway, because he reaches over to gingerly pat San’s hands on the table.
Before San can say anything more, he hears the front door open.
“San, you didn’t lock the door!” Seonghwa says brightly. He appears at the doorway, a bouquet of flowers in one hand, and because the apartment is small, has a direct view of everything aside from the bedrooms and bathroom. He pauses, looking at San then Yunho. “Um…?” He says, visibly confused.
Hastily, San pulls his hands back from Yunho and stands to greet him. “Seonghwa! You’re here! This is,” He glances behind him, “Yunho, Mingi’s friend that I mentioned before. He’s the one who threw the party last night.”
Yunho stands up too, and offers a hand to Seonghwa. “Jung Yunho. Nice to finally meet you,” He says, smiling.
Seonghwa looks at the hand and up at him, offering a friendly smile. “Ah, yes, likewise. I’m Park Seonghwa, though it seems you knew that already.”
They stand there in awkward silence for a while—San has no idea what to say, and he feels like he’s been caught doing something bad like talking about his boyfriend behind his back oh shit—so he averts their attention to the flowers in Seonghwa’s hand.
“Is this for me?” He asks, smiling. Seonghwa hands the bouquet to him.
“Yeah. This is my way of saying thanks for making dinner.”
“Thank you, they’re very pretty.”
Yunho clears his throat, seemingly feeling out of place. “Well, I think I’ll take my leave now. I’ll just tell Mingi to meet me at the restaurant. See you,” He says, flashing an encouraging smile at San as he leaves through the door.
“He seems nice,” Seonghwa says offhandedly. “Oh, that’s a lot of food! You’ve really outdone yourself, Sannie. Thank you,” He says, sitting on the chair recently vacated by Yunho. “It looks good!”
“Tastes even better, I guarantee,” San chirps, easing into his own chair. He looks to Seonghwa expectantly as the older takes the first bite. He makes an exaggerated face and gives San a thumbs-up, making him laugh.
“You’re so talented, Sannie,” Seonghwa sighs dreamily. “I’m lucky to have you.”
San feels his heart soar at that, and can’t stop himself from beaming at the older. They eat in relative silence, occasionally sharing titbits about their day and exchanging funny stories.
“San?” Seonghwa says once they’re done eating. San gives him his full attention, as the older reaches over to hold his hands. “I know I’ve been busy lately, but I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. You can talk to me about anything. You know that, right?” He asks, a flash of concern in his gentle eyes.
San swallows a lump, and gives a tiny nod. “I know.”
Seonghwa heaves a sigh of relief. “Okay, good.”
The guilt returns.
***
As much as San wants to talk about the crux of his worries to Seonghwa like what the older told him to do, he still hasn’t done so, much to Yeosang’s annoyance. Classes happen, and the two of them become swamped with classwork and projects, especially Seonghwa.
Without realising it, a week passed in a blur of reports and assignments, and he’s barely seen Seonghwa throughout. San taps his chin in thought; should he get something Seonghwa? The older has been busier than ever, and San feels like giving him something to show his support.
He decides to text Seonghwa in the end, asking him what he’s doing on Wednesday.
From: Hwa <3
I have class in the morning and I need to meet
my research supervisor in the afternoon, why? :)
Me
secret ;)
so u r free after? can i meet u?
From: Hwa <3
heyyy keeping secrets from ur bf is not nice :(
but ofc u can!!!
Me
ok, then i’ll meet u outside ur building
around 6?
From: Hwa <3
see u <3 <3 <3
San giggles to himself, because Seonghwa’s acting cute. He can’t wait to surprise him.
When the day comes, San arms himself with the homemade cookies he spent the afternoon making, rationalizing that cookies are a safe bet—not too cringy or burdensome as presents. Besides, Seonghwa often gets some sweet cravings when he’s stressed, so he made them with that in mind. He decides he’ll also get some hot latte on the way, since weather is especially cold that day.
He arrives outside the laboratories building just before six, and since he’s not a student in that department he doesn’t have clearance to go inside. Instead, he sits on the ledge just on the outskirts of the lawn in front of the building, having a clear view of the main entrance to wait for Seonghwa.
He balances the bag of cookies which he neatly wrapped and tied with a ribbon on his lap, holding the paper takeaway cup of hot latte in both hands to stay warm. Six o’clock comes and goes, but still no sign of Seonghwa. After waiting a little while more, he takes out his phone to check if he’s missed a message from the older, but there’s none. He decides to send one, asking him if he’s coming soon, and resumes his waiting.
He’s probably held up by his professor, he thinks to himself.
It’s almost seven and San is getting restless. He checks his phone again and again, but there’s still no response from Seonghwa. The latte has long gone cold, offering no warmth to his icy fingers, so he sets it down. He shudders when a gust of wind blows, rubbing his palms together.
Could he have forgotten?
San refuses to believe that. Just as he’s about to call the older’s number, he sees a group of people leaving the main entrance. Among them, is Seonghwa. They’re laughing and heading another way, presumably to go somewhere together, so Seonghwa doesn’t notice him in the distance. San sits frozen, and can only watch as his lover leave with his friends, clearly having forgotten about their promise.
San pockets his phone, seeing no point in messaging the older again. He leaves the cup of coffee on the ledge, his heart feeling just as cold as the liquid inside. He contemplates whether he should just go home, but Seonghwa can find him easily there, and he’s feeling petty. So instead, he goes to the only other place he knows Seonghwa won’t find him.
He knocks on the familiar door, and Yunho opens it.
“San?” He says, surprised. San smiles, shivering on his front porch. “You’re freezing! Why are you—You know what, get in, it’s too cold outside.” San slides through the door gratefully, savouring the warmth from the heater in the house. “Just leave you coat there, I’ll make you something warm to drink. Don’t worry, my parents are overseas again.”
San nods, and follows Yunho inside. While the taller busies himself in the kitchen, San settles on the sofa in the living room. The other comes back with a steaming mug of hot chocolate and a blanket.
“Don’t tell Mingi,” was the first thing that comes out of San’s mouth when Yunho sits next to him. “Or Wooyoung, or Yeosang. Or anyone, really.”
Yunho frowns. “Okay, what’s going on?”
“I—He forgot. Seonghwa forgot,” He manages, gnawing on his bottom lip. “We promised to meet, and I wanted to give him something, just to be nice, you know? But he—He just forgot, I guess.” To his own horror, he starts sniffling, tears gathering on his bottom lashes and threatening to spill over. “And, and I waited, but he didn’t come, so,” He finishes, shrugging weakly. “It’s—It’s stupid.”
“San.”
San doesn’t know why, but the way Yunho says his name makes him unable to hold back his tears any longer. Mortified, he swipes furiously at his eyes with his sleeves, though the act is proven useless as rivulets of teardrops run down his face. Yunho patiently waits for him to even out his breathing and hands him a box of tissues.
“Firstly, it’s not stupid. You’re upset he forgot your promise, and that’s understandable,” Yunho starts. “And, secondly, I feel like that’s not all. There’s something else, isn’t there? Something that has been bothering you for months?”
San hiccups. “I can’t help it. I’m—I’m insecure in my own relationship. Even though Seonghwa is a literal angel, I still feel insecure,” He laughs bitterly as emotions start to bubble up within him, pouring out in words he’s been holding back even from himself. Words even he’s afraid to admit to himself. “I’m scared he doesn’t like me enough to stay. I’m scared he’s gonna leave me once he graduates. He’s so nice, and good-looking; he’s literally perfect. What do I have to offer to make him stay with me? Nothing!” He buries his face in his hands as fresh tears spring up. “Fuck,” He mumbles.
“Have you said all this to him?”
“It’s not that easy,” He says, resigned.
“Okay, San, listen to me. You probably won’t like it, but you have to listen. You have to tell him. Nothing will change if you don’t. Either he loves you or not, but you will only know if you ask him.”
San stays silent. “You think I don’t know that?” He finally says. Yunho say nothing more, but offers an empathetic smile. “Can I stay here a while?” He asks.
“I don’t want to encourage you hiding from your boyfriend,” The taller says, grimacing.
“Just a while. I need to gather my thoughts a bit. And I’m not ready to face Seonghwa yet.”
Admitting defeat, Yunho just nods. “How about dinner?” He says, and San smiles.
It’s late when San decides to go home. He thanks Yunho profusely for letting him rant to him and more, which his new friend just waves off.
“Hope you guys will make up,” He says before San leaves.
“I hope so too,” San says in return.
He’s walking up the stairs to his apartment when he finally decides to check his phone. There are countless messages from Seonghwa, which he ignores for now, a couple from Mingi, and then a new notification from Yunho.
From: Yunho
I told Mingi to give you space, so he won’t be home when you arrive
San frowns at the message, a little confused, but is otherwise distracted as he fishes out his keys to open his door. It only makes sense when the door is suddenly yanked open, revealing Seonghwa standing in his apartment.
“What are you doing here?” He asks, even as he realises that Yunho must have told Mingi after all.
Seonghwa didn’t say anything, but pulls him inside and closes the door.
“Hwa?” San tries again. “Wait, how did you get in?”
“Mingi let me in before he left,” Seonghwa replies, and the expression on his face is foreign. He isn’t smiling, and San feels weirdly unnerved by the unfamiliar sight. “And he also told me that you were at Yunho’s.”
San takes off his coat. “I was.”
Seonghwa frowns. “And you didn’t bother to check your phone? Do you know how worried I was?” His voice is rising, and San turns sharply at him.
“That’s rich, coming from you,” He snaps. Seonghwa has the decency to look guilty.
“Okay, I’m sorry, I know I missed our date, I completely forgot our promise and my phone ran out of battery,” He explains. San walks over to plop himself onto the couch, feeling tense. He crosses his arms. Seonghwa follows him, but remains standing. “Were you… Did you wait long? I’m so sorry, Sannie,” He apologizes again.
“Doesn’t matter now. Just wanted to give you something. It’s not that important, anyway,” He says, then looks away, “and evidently you think so too.” He knows it’s a low blow, but he can’t help it.
He can see the way Seonghwa’s jaws tighten, and he realises the older looks angry for the first time ever. “I know I made a mistake, San, I’m not going to make excuses for myself. But did you really have to run off to Yunho?”
San looks at him properly then. “What?” He says, incredulous.
Seonghwa digs something out of his jeans pocket and throws it at San. Surprised, San unfurls the thing and finds that it’s the underwear he throws in his laundry basket and has forgotten about until that moment.
“What is that, then? You clearly wore it, but not when you’re with me. Did you wear that for Yunho? Huh?”
San can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You think I’m cheating on you? With Yunho?” The whole thing is so ridiculous, that he can’t help but bark a laugh. “Seriously?”
“Explain it, then. You’ve been acting weird these days too. What else am I supposed to think?” Seonghwa’s voice is loud he’s almost shouting, and San’s has had enough. Suddenly, he’s angry; angry at the whole thing, at Seonghwa, at himself. He stands up, and pushes Seonghwa away.
“Fuck you, Hwa. I did it all for you. You never want to touch me, so I try to get your attention by buying this,” He throws the underwear to the ground, “and dressing nice, I even took the initiative, and yeah, maybe I tried to make you jealous, but that didn’t work, did it? You’re never jealous of me with anyone,” He scoffs. “The truth is, Seonghwa, you never really liked me as much as I like you. Did you?” He spits, and fuck, he can feel the sting of tears again. It’s out there now, right in the open, all his vulnerabilities and insecurities exposed to the one person he doesn’t want to tell, for him to pick and prod at.
“San—what? Of course I care about you!”
“I love you,” He admits. “I know you care; you’re far too kind not to, Hwa. I don’t know if it’s pity that made you accept my confession, or if you’re just looking to pass time, or whatever, but please, just…stop,” He sobs. “I’m tired. I don’t know what else to do to make you show that you like me the way I like you, to make you love me back—”
His words are cut off when Seonghwa grabs him by the back of his neck and smashes their lips together. A surprise gasp leaves him, and the older deepens the kiss then. His tongue slips into San’s mouth, licking inside and along his own, and he has to hold back a moan that threatens to escape his lips.
San’s hands automatically find purchase on the other man’s sleeves, clutching the material in his hands, conflicted whether to push him away or pull him closer. The previous anger that’s bubbling inside him dissipates suddenly, and San hates how weak he is for the other’s touch.
In the end, the two break apart to catch their breath, San glaring at him while wiping his mouth.
“What was that?”
“I love you.”
San blinks, bewildered at the sudden confession. “Y-You can’t just—”
“I love you, San. I do.”
San scowls at him, pushing him away. He feels he needs some distance to think straight. “Don’t say that. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. I can’t—I won’t—”
Seonghwa strides forward, closing the distance easily. “I mean it. What do you think I’ve been doing with you if I didn’t like you at all, San?” He shakes his head.
“Then…” San frowns, confused. “Then, why do you…never touch me? Why do you always draw a line between us? Not to sound ungrateful, because I really do love your gentleness, but I thought…” He trails off.
“That’s exactly it! Don’t you remember?” Seonghwa rubs his hand on his face, the tension finally leaving his stature. “You always go on and on about how much of a gentleman I am, how kind and considerate I am to you. I thought that’s what you like. That’s why you liked me in the first place, anyway, right?” He asks. “I want you to like me, Sannie. And I wasn’t drawing a line. I thought I should take it slow with you, treat you right, like how you want me to.”
San drops his arms, puzzled. “So… So, then, it was my own fault?” He whispers.
Seonghwa slowly wraps his hands around San’s frame. “No, it’s not your fault. We just…should have been more open to each other, instead of assuming things on our own. And I’m really sorry about today, Sannie. For forgetting and also for making you upset. I didn’t mean to yell at you about Yunho. I was just…” He rubs the back of his neck, looking embarrassed all of a sudden. “Well, I was just a little jealous, I guess.”
“You? Jealous?” San can’t believe it. “But you never seem to mind when I hang out with other guys? And you know how touchy I am.”
“That’s because by ‘guys’ you only meant your friends, who I already know. And I trust you,” He says. “Yunho, on the other hand, is new, but you seem close already. Plus, he seems your type.”
San blushes. “He is not! I don’t have a type!”
Seonghwa rolls his eyes, though he’s also smiling affectionately. “Sure you don’t. Gentle, tall, pretty? Yeah, definitely not your type at all.”
Now it’s San’s turn to be embarrassed. He’s not even aware he has a type. “Ugh, shut up.”
“When I saw that,” Seonghwa continues, his eyes trailing to the piece of clothing on the floor, “my mind reeled. I don’t know why… I’m sorry I accused you of things you didn’t do, Sannie.”
“Ah, about that…” San eyes the discarded lingerie. Then he decides to come clean about all his plans and his discussions with Wooyoung and Yeosang. “In retrospect, I really should have listened to Yeosang first.”
“Yeah, never follow Wooyoung’s advice,” Seonghwa laughs.
“I’m sorry too, Hwa. For…everything. Most of all for doubting you.”
Seonghwa cradles his face in his hands, the touch warming his skin, making him sigh contentedly. “Me too. But next time, let’s promise to just talk to each other when we’re feeling shit, okay?” He holds up his pinkie finger, which San accepts with his own gladly.
“I promise.”
“So…” Seonghwa moves back, letting go of San, and bends down to pick up thee lingerie on the floor. “You were wearing this under your sweater that night, huh?” He raises an eyebrow, his eyes shining with mirth. San groans.
“Fuck, give it here, I should really wash that,” He says, grabbing the item from Seonghwa’s hand as the older chuckles.
“Not gonna lie, you were really close to breaking my resolve that night,” Seonghwa admits with a glint in his eyes San cannot describe, but makes him gulp. “You should wear it again some time, now that I know what you want.” And he has the audacity to wink.
“A-another time then,” San replies shakily, putting the item away in haste and avoiding the other’s eyes. This is a side of Seonghwa he never knew, and he’s not going to lie, it’s a little…exciting.
But San is already feeling drained from all the events unfolding that day.
“Well,” He starts. “I think you owe me a cuddle for forgetting our date today.” He starts to walk towards his bedroom, but turns when Seonghwa isn’t following. “That’s an invitation to stay over, by the way,” He adds with a smirk.
Seonghwa chuckles, shaking his head. “You’ll be the death of me someday, Choi San. Had I known earlier, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to hold back.”
San sticks his tongue out in a teasing manner, and the two get changed for bed as it’s really getting late. Before long, they are cuddled together under San’s comforter.
“By the way, you didn’t need to worry about Yunho. He’s kind crushing on Mingi, though I promised not to tell so you better keep this a secret too,” San mumbles against his lover’s chest.
Seonghwa strokes his head slowly, lulling him to sleep. “Duly noted,” He whispers back.
“…I love you, Hwa.”
He can feel Seonghwa’s smile as the older presses a kiss to the top of his head.
“Love you too, Sannie. Always have and always will.”