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Patton had felt it slipping. He’s felt it slipping for oh, so long. Just recently has he finally started to accept it.
He wanted to hold onto it, to keep it all for himself, hide it away. But, wouldn’t that be so selfish of him?
He missed it.
He longed for that old feeling, making it happy.
Making it.
Making him.
Making Virgil happy.
He caught himself thinking about that forgotten friendship a lot recently. When he could make Virgil laugh till they were both red and their stomachs hurt. When they’d have lengthy late-night chats about their emotions, Patton use to be the only one Virgil could open up to. Now Virgil didn’t even bother speaking to him.
Was that selfish? Maybe, he hadn’t decided yet. Didn’t desire to.
Maybe everything would be fixed, all he had to do was communicate to Virgil. A simple ‘I miss you, I wanna go back to what it was like in the beginning’, perhaps? But, that could end up hurting Virgil. It was selfish and unrealistic too.
Patton tried once, to open up, but it was much more tame and flowery than he originally meant it to be. Instead of directly addressing the problem he calmly said, “We don’t talk as much anymore, but, know that I’m here for you.” He wanted to say more. He needed to say more.
He didn’t.
Virgil did reply actually, a couple of “uh’s” and “er’s”, and finally he settled on, “Oh, well I’ve been meaning to talk to you, so thanks for talking to me first and reaching out when you did. I’ll try and see you more dude, promise!”
Liar.
Patton had tried to start conversations every now and then but they failed, every single time, what did he even mean reaching out when he did? He’s attempted so many times.
The sharp sadness, the growing volcano of anger in his stomach led to crying sessions at 3 am almost every night. He’d look upon the card Virgil gave him many Christmas’ ago, it used to fill him up with joy and a soft smile, now it made him whine with regret.
What happened?
Virgil was happy now, his friendship with Roman continued like normal, blossomed even more if anything.
He seemed so happy with him, their inside jokes, their constant hangouts in the mindscape. They were friends before, during Patton’s friendship with Virgil, but- he felt replaced. Somewhat, at least.
Patton would see their fun every now and then, jealousy would always spike in his heart when he gazed upon it, he’d try his best to avoid it. Sometimes that worked, other times it didn’t.
Virgil could have other friends, of course, he deserves to! But, why did that have to mean he would be replaced? Or he felt that way.
Patton tried to talk to Logan about it, he would ask, “Are you sure you didn't hurt him, perhaps?”
And maybe Logan was correct, as always, maybe it would be best to ask Virgil that.
“What did I do wrong?”
But, knowing that answer sounds scary, terrifying even. What if he had hurt Virgil immensely? What if he found Patton annoying? What if he secretly never liked him? What if Patton talked too much during their chatters?
What if. What if. What if?
What if Patton didn’t know how to move on? So he continued to cry that night hugging his chest, hoping something would happen. Anything.
He didn’t know what he wanted, just something.
How do you let go?