Work Text:
—December 2020—
“Let’s break up.”
Three words that changed Yeosang’s whole life.
He would no longer wake up to good morning texts from San. He will no longer have date nights with San where they would cuddle on the sofa while watching movies. He would no longer go on driving dates with San. He would no longer be held by San. He would no longer be San’s to call his.
Yeosang expects San to fight for him but there is no such thing.
San simply sighs.
“Okay.”
One word that broke Yeosang’s heart but he simply swallowed his feelings down and nodded before he stood up and walked out of San’s flat.
He would never be back here.
He would never be in San’s arms again.
He tucks his hands into his pockets as he lets out a breath. He sees the puff of his breath in the cold air and he sighs. Maybe the beginning of December wasn’t the best time for major life changes but this was something Yeosang had to do.
He couldn’t love San the way he deserved.
San was bright and beautiful. He was full of life and he had a warm aura around him. Yeosang was reserved and private. He didn’t like being the center of attention and he came off as a cold person. San loved with his whole heart while Yeosang was more careful and Yeosang realised quickly that his love for San wouldn’t be enough.
So he had ultimately concluded that this was the best thing for both of them. San agreeing so easily just proved to him that he was right.
Yeosang gets back to his own flat and he feels lonely. He stands by the door as he stares into his living room. He can picture San laying on his sofa waiting for him to come home. San would normally finish work first and come over to wait for Yeosang so they could eat dinner together.
Yeosang shakes his head. He has to forget.
He has to forget San.
But forgetting San and the routine he had built doesn’t come easily.
Christmas and New Year are lonely.
He spends both of these events alone.
His family would ask too many questions so going home was out of the question. His friends… also happened to be San’s friends so he decided to just stay home.
It wasn’t bad. He got to just relax and not worry about anything and anyone but he felt lonely. He felt like something was missing. He was missing someone.
It would have been their first Christmas and New Year together.
He wonders if San misses him but he brushes that thought away. Who would miss someone who broke up with them before the holidays? No one in their right mind would.
January drags and February drags just as much.
Yeosang goes through the motion of life.
March comes around and he goes to Yunho’s birthday party. He shared a flat with San so it was a familiar environment for Yeosang but he felt uneasy. He shouldn’t be here he thinks. This was supposed to be San’s safe place from him, but he couldn’t not go to Yunho’s birthday party. He catches a glimpse of San. He looks like he is having a good time with Mingi. He looks carefree and slightly tipsy with his cheeks flushed. Yeosang watches from a distance and his heart clenches.
He still misses San.
“Come on, snap out of it,” Wooyoung says as he shakes Yeosang a little.
He feels bad for Wooyoung. He had been both Yeosang and San’s best friend. Yeosang was his childhood best friend, they had been friends since they were in diapers and then they had met San in high school where he had instantly clicked with Wooyoung. They even had a best friend tattoo together and now Yeosang felt like he had driven a wedge between them.
Wooyoung had been so excited when San had confessed to Yeosang. He had been telling Yeosang they would make a great couple for years and when they got together Wooyoung had been their biggest supporter.
“Sorry.”
Wooyoung sighs.
“No need to be sorry, it is what it is,” Wooyoung says as he ruffles Yeosang’s hair.
“I’ve made things awkward between you and San.”
Wooyoung hums as he looks at San and Mingi.
“It will get better with time, don’t worry about it…we are platonic soulmates, nothing will break us apart,” Wooyoung says and Yeosang’s heart clenches again. It hurt to know that Yeosang had hurt not just himself, but he had definitely hurt San and maybe their friends.
“Thank you for staying with me,” Yeosang says as he looks down at his drink.
“I promised to always be with you,” Wooyoung says matter of factly.
“It was a dumb promise we made when we barely had enough brain cells to function,” Yeosang says and Wooyoung gasps as he clutches the front of his t-shirt.
“I put my heart on the line and you are calling it dumb?!”
Yeosang laughs.
It was his first real laugh since December.
Wooyoung smiles at Yeosang.
“Give it time, everything will work out in the end.”
Yeosang nods.
Yeosang wants to go back to December.
The next time he sees San is in April, it’s Seonghwa’s birthday dinner. Unlike Yunho, Seonghwa had just wanted to have a nice peaceful dinner and then watch a movie together at his and Hongjoong’s flat. Dinner had been an easy thing to get through as he sat as far away from San as he could. He sat between Yunho and Mingi, opposite Hongjoong and Jongho.
By this time, Wooyoung had indeed made up with San.
Yeosang is thankful for this.
Wooyoung would go hang out with San more frequently and Wooyoung being a good friend never invited San over to their shared flat. Yeosang is glad to see the return of WooSan. They were back to their loud and cheerful self and he could feel some kind of normalcy returning. He hopes he can get to that point too.
For now, he still missed San and he still wished he could go back to December.
He isn’t sure why but he wants to rewind time.
The harder part was the movie night. Seonghwa had invited all of them to spend the night. Yeosang was ready to decline but Wooyoung gave him doe eyes so he accepted. He hoped that he could stay away from San throughout the night but unfortunately for Yeosang, Wooyoung had left him in favour of cuddling Seonghwa on the sofa. Hongjoong had found his way to Yunho, they had been friends the longest so they naturally found comfort next to each other. Mingi was busy annoying Jongho so he couldn’t cling to Mingi tonight.
He only had one option left.
San.
San visibly stiffens when Yeosang sits on the floor next to him. They sit there awkwardly while the others talk about what movie they should watch together.
“Hey,” Yeosang says, he isn’t sure what comes over him to speak but he does it anyway.
“Hi,” San says softly and Yeosang can tell that he was the last person San wanted to speak to.
“How have you been?” Yeosang pushes, he still hasn’t the slightest clue as to why he is speaking up. He should just leave it and maybe see if he could squeeze between Mingi and Jongho.
“Alright…a little busy with work but alright,” San says and Yeosang is surprised to hear San respond with more than just one word.
“How’s your family?” Yeosang asks.
“They are okay too, I haven’t seen them in a while but from what dad tells me, they are all okay. I think Byeol is getting a little chunky but that was expected since they all give in to her demands for treats,” San says with a look of longing on his face. Yeosang can guess that he probably hasn’t been home since Christmas last year. He probably missed his family, he had always been close to them.
Yeosang laughs.
“She is too cute to deny,” Yeosang says fondly as he thinks of the grey cat.
“Yes, she is.”
And then it gets awkward again as they both seem to come back to the reality of their situation.
They are exes.
They aren’t supposed to talk freely like this.
They aren’t supposed to be in love anymore.
Yeosang wants to go back to December so he can take back his words.
He opens his mouth but Wooyoung yells loudly as he announces the movie they will watch.
Yeosang shuts his mouth and awkwardly spends the night next to San. The movie starts and Yeosang does his best to keep a respectable amount of space between him and San. The night is spent awkwardly and when he feels San’s head on his shoulder when he fell asleep, Yeosang doesn’t move nor does he wake San up.
He lets himself have this small moment and ends up falling asleep himself.
When Yeosang wakes up, San is gone and he is once again reminded of how he was no longer dating San.
Yeosang sighs and then moves on.
May flies by as Yeosang decided to put his head down and get busy. He should not give him time to think of San. He shouldn’t have the chance to miss San.
June comes by and he decides for his birthday he just wants a quiet day at home with Wooyoung. He doesn’t want to call his friends over as that would mean having to invite San too so he would rather not have anyone over. All his friends send him birthday messages and it makes him smile as he thanks them all one by one.
He is on the sofa when he hears a knock on the door.
Wooyoung had gone out to pick up his birthday cake and would not knock on the door so he wonders who it is. He gets up slowly and goes to open the door. There is no one there. Yeosang feels confused as he looks around and then looks down.
Roses.
Yeosang knows exactly who they are from. He slowly gets down on the ground and picks up the bouquet of roses. He stares at the roses before he lets himself smile. He walks back into his flat, still smiling. He makes sure to take care of them and put them in a nice vase by the window where they would get plenty of sunlight.
He was going to make sure that these roses won’t end up like the ones from last year.
He had left them out to die.
He wouldn’t do that again.
He wouldn’t break San’s heart again.
He wants to go back to December.
Eventually, when the roses wilt, Yeosang’s heart hurts as he throws them out.
July was San’s birth month.
Wooyoung was making grand plans and Yeosang decides to stay out of it. Wooyoung tries to get him involved and tries to get him to go to the party but Yeosang doesn’t budge. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay out of San’s sight. He didn’t want to remind San of them, of him, and of how he didn’t even text San on his birthday last year.
They had just started dating. They had gone on a few dates before they made things official. San has been understanding as Yeosang was busy with work but he could have at least sent a text. He could have called San too but he did none of those things.
Yeosang didn’t think it was important enough.
Yeosang doesn’t want to remind San of that or of himself.
So Yeosang stays home alone and silently wishes San a happy birthday.
Yeosang is staring out the window thinking back to the beginning of fall of last year, getting more comfortable with San, and going on more dates. His favourites were the road trips. San would be driving as he sings along to the music and Yeosang remembers sitting on the passenger side. He had watched San sing and along and he would wiggle a little “dancing” to the beat. He would laugh at his own silly behaviour and Yeosang just watched him.
He loved San.
San loved him back and unlike Yeosang, San gave him all his love.
In return, all Yeosang gave him was goodbye.
Yeosang’s heart clenches.
He misses San.
He missed San’s tan skin, his sweet dimpled smile, his soft hair, and the way he looked at Yeosang. San’s gaze was always so full of love and adoration. He was always so good to Yeosang and he remembers the way San had held him as he cried. He had already been having a bad week with things going wrong. His grandmother’s health was getting worse, his parents were stressed out about it and then his sister was going through a hard time at work, and having to watch her cry all the time had broken him.
Despite all of that he had put a smile on his face and carried on. He didn’t want to worry anyone and he wanted to be strong support for his family while they went through the hard times. He didn’t want to show anyone the cracks and he held it all in until San had surprised him with a home-cooked meal on a Friday evening.
San had chased Wooyoung out and taken over their flat.
He had gone through the trouble of making Yeosang’s favourite fried chicken from scratch. No vegetables were included as they both hated anything that was green.
San had greeted him with a wide smile and welcomed him in. He had taken Yeosang’s things and put them away for him while he told Yeosang to just relax.
“What’s all this?” Yeosang had asked when San comes back with all the food.
San giggles.
“I wanted to do something nice for you,” San says as he sits next to Yeosang. “You looked a little stressed the last time we met.”
San’s admission had done the trick.
Yeosang had burst into tears. He didn’t realise anyone was paying close attention to him, nor did he think that anyone would worry about him.
San had hugged him tightly and listened to Yeosang while drawing soothing circles on his back. He let Yeosang cry it all out, all his fears, and San just listened to him and whispered comfort in his ears while showering him in kisses.
San was so right for him.
Yeosang felt safe and felt like he belonged right here with San.
It scared Yeosang.
Yeosang was stupid.
He was stupid to let the fear take over. He was stupid to give up because he was scared of what this could lead to.
What would it have led to?
Having San in love with him was everything Yeosang could have ever asked for. He was happy, they were happy together. San loved him. He loved San and yet Yeosang had deemed himself unworthy. He had decided that the happiness he felt was fake and would disappear. He believed that he was only going to have his heart broken in the end.
Love doesn’t last.
Love wasn’t real.
It was all make-believe.
Yeosang didn’t believe in love but San had made him believe.
Yeosang had thought that in time he would forget San and the love he had for San but it never happened. San was still haunting his every living and breathing moment.
Yeosang still loved San.
Maybe he would love San forever.
No, he knows that if it’s San, he would love forever.
And if San gave him a second chance, he would love San right.
Yeosang snaps out of his thoughts.
He wants San.
He wants to love San again.
He wants San to love him again.
Yeosang shakes his head.
No, this was stupid and Yeosang was just having mindless dreams about things he cannot have. He had made sure of it himself. He was the one who slammed that door.
And yet he finds himself standing up and heading out. He breaks out in a run. He doesn’t want to second guess his actions.
He had to see San.
He has to tell San exactly how he feels.
He had to swallow his pride and say he was sorry. He was wrong and he was ready to admit it. He wants to be hopeful but he would understand if San had moved on. He wouldn’t hold it against San.
As he approaches San’s flat building he sees a familiar figure outside. They have their back to Yeosang and are looking up at the night sky, the same way Yeosang had been looking out of his window and at the night sky earlier.
Yeosang recognises the soft hair, wide shoulder, and the tiny waist.
“San!”
The figure turns around in surprise. He looks shocked and confused.
“Yeosang?”
Yeosang is out of breath and he isn’t sure if that was because he ran here or because of San. San always had that effect on him. San was beautiful. He has always been beautiful.
“What are you doing here?” San asks, he still looks confused but he has a small smile on his face.
“I— I wanted to see you…” Yeosang admits and San laughs.
God knows Yeosang missed San’s laugh.
“I wanted to see you too…I wished to see you today…” San admits as his cheeks turn a soft shade of rosy pink. Yeosang can feel his own cheeks heating up and as San walks to him, Yeosang’s heart pounds against his chest.
“I— I wanted to say I’m sorry…for that night,” Yeosang says and San gives him an encouraging smile. “I know it was stupid…we had something good going. I was so happy and it scared me,” Yeosang says as he fiddles with his fingers. His hands are shaking a bit but he holds San’s gaze. He swallows his pride and carries on. “If— if there was another chance…or any way to go back to December…I would change my decision. I know it’s too late for us and we can’t go back but will you accept my apology?” Yeosang asks.
San has stayed neutral the entire time so Yeosang doesn’t know what to expect. His hands are still shaking when he sees San taking another step towards him and placing his hand on Yeosang’s shaking hands. San squeezes his hands and then he finally cracks a smile.
“There is nothing to forgive,” San says and squeezes Yeosang’s hands again. “I’m at fault for all of this too…I let you go easily because I naively believed that when you love someone you should let them go. I didn’t want to hold you back and make you stay with me if you were unhappy,” San says and Yeosang’s heart carries on pounding against his chest.
“And we don’t have to go back to December,” San says before he intertwines his fingers with Yeosang’s.
Yeosang looks at him in confusion.
“I’ve wanted to go back and change things too…I would still like to change things very much,” San says and Yeosang thinks his heart is just going to stop. “I’ve missed you,” San says and Yeosang is sure that his face is a bright shade of red by now.
“I missed you too,” Yeosang admits and San’s smile widens.
“Wi— will you let me love you again?” Yeosang stutters out and San laughs.
“I would never stop you, I don’t think I ever did,” San admits and before they know it they are moving closer to each other. Their foreheads are pressed together and their lips are inches apart.
“I’m sorry,” Yeosang says.
“It’s okay…distance makes the heart grow fonder or some shit like that,” San says and they share a laugh.
Yeosang has to admit that distance indeed made his heart grow fonder. During their time apart Yeosang had found out how much San meant to him.
“I love you, San,” Yeosang whispers and he uses his free hand to cup San’s face.
“I love you too, Yeosang…and I will never stop loving you,” San says so easily that it makes Yeosang’s heart skip a beat. Yeosang also knows that San spoke the truth. No one else had ever made him feel so loved.
San was different.
San was it for Yeosang and he would make sure of it.
“Will you let me kiss you?” San asks and all Yeosang can do is nod.
The kiss is soft and so full of love. Yeosang would drown in it if San wasn’t holding his waist tightly, grounding him. Yeosang kisses San back with the hope that San can feel all his love for him too. They move slowly against each other as they test out the waters. Yes, they have done more than just kiss before but they were opening their hearts to each other again after a while.
Yeosang’s hands move to the back of San’s head and he gently tugs his soft hair to deepen the kiss and San smiles against the kiss. San kisses Yeosang back with just as much force as Yeosang was kissing him.
Their hearts connect once more.
“Promise me,” San whispers once they finally pull away, foreheads still pressed together and eyes holding each other’s gaze.
“Anything,” Yeosang whispers. His hands are on San’s cheek and he draws small circles on San’s cheek with his thumb.
“You’ll talk to me about your feelings from now on,” San whispers and he looks right into Yeosang’s soul. “No more worrying on your own. I want to be your support and I want to work on this with you if you are feeling scared again…okay?” San asks and he looks so sincere as he says it Yeosang’s heart might just explode.
He can feel San’s love and he makes a silent promise to himself. To love San the way he deserves.
“Promise.”
“Good…I love you, Yeosang.”
“I love you too, San.”
Yeosang isn’t sure but he thinks he can hear Wooyoung screaming in happiness somewhere.
—December 2021—
It’s Christmas day and San is waiting for Yeosang.
He is having deja vu as this was exactly how he had waited for Yeosang last year when they ultimately broke up.
San scolds himself for thinking of that again.
They had talked about it and decided to move. He had forgiven Yeosang. They had become stronger together after and Yeosang had become more open with his feelings. Hell, Yeosang was even being more vocal and physical about it. He told San he loved him more often and he would initiate physical touch more often. It made San so happy.
San felt so loved by Yeosang.
San didn’t regret opening his heart back up to Yeosang.
The front door unlocks and San knows it’s Yeosang.
He had kicked Yunho out and had made dinner for the two of them.
It was Christmas day after all and it was going to be their first Christmas together. He was excited. He also hopes that Yeosang likes his present.
“Hey,” Yeosang says softly snapping San out of his thoughts.
“Hey yourself,” San says with a bright smile and Yeosang returns his smile.
They share a quick kiss before they settle down together for dinner. San finds himself relaxing eventually. He had been a little scared as this whole situation had been too similar to last year but all Yeosang does is thank him for the food and compliment his cooking.
The soju was helping.
“Thanks for the food,” Yeosang says once they finish, and San giggles.
“How many times are you going to thank me?” San asks and Yeosang laugh.
“As many times as I feel like it,” Yeosang says with a grin and San could melt at the look of mischief and love in Yeosang’s eyes.
San knows that this is different from last time.
Yeosang wasn’t here to break his heart again.
“You’re on clean-up duty, don’t forget,” San says with his own look of mischief, and Yeosang groans.
“Fine,” Yeosang says with a pout and San laugh. He kisses Yeosang’s pouty lips before collecting their dishes and adding them to the large pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Yeosang’s groan gets louder and San laughs again.
Yeosang eventually gets up and puts on the apron and starts on the dishes. Despite San saying he wouldn’t help, he ends up helping. It was more fun this way. The radio was blaring cheesy Christmas songs which they sang along to while cleaning up together. San would poke Yeosang’s side every once in a while, each time catching poor Yeosang by surprise and making him yelp. San’s giggles fill the small kitchen and Yeosang glares at him.
San feels so happy.
He gets giddy once they are in the living room ready to exchange gifts.
“Can I go first?” San asks in excitement and Yeosang nods with a small smile on his face.
San gets up from the sofa and goes into his bedroom. He comes back with a box wrapped in cute Christmas wrapping paper. It had cute cats in their little Christmas hat all over it. Yeosang laughs when he sees it and San is filled with even more joy and excitement.
“Can I open it?” Yeosang asks.
“Of course you can!”
Yeosang gently unwraps his present. He takes his time to not rip the wrapping paper. San is on the edge of the sofa waiting in anticipation. He wants to snatch the gift and rip it open himself but he tells himself to behave. Yeosang eventually gets it open and then opens the box.
Yeosang lets out a laugh before pulling out a wonky-looking ceramic bowl. It’s clearly handmade and if it wasn’t clear enough at the bottom of the bowl was a carefully drawn heart with S + Y engraved on it. Despite the wonky-looking bowl it had been painted in a beautiful gradient of reds and purples.
Their favourite colours.
Yeosang gets flashbacks to one of their many dates. They had decided to try a pottery class and it had been disastrous, to say the least. Even Wooyoung had shaken his head at them and that’s saying something.
“I love it, thank you Sannie!” Yeosang says with a bright smile and San’s heart is pounding in excitement.
“Really?”
Yeosang nods eagerly.
“Thank you.”
San can feel his cheeks hurting from how wide his smile is.
“Your turn,” Yeosang says before putting the bowl carefully back in its box and setting it aside on the coffee table. Yeosang takes a deep breath before reaching inside his pocket and pulling out a box.
San lets out a soft gasp. It’s a little bigger than a box that could hold an engagement ring so San reels his mind back. It was too soon for that anyway.
“I hurt you the most during this time last year so I want to paint over that memory with something better,” Yeosang says and opens the box. There was a ring inside indeed but there was also a second ring. “Promise rings,” Yeosang explains and San just stares, his mouth slightly agape. “A promise of a better future, together…will you accept it?” Yeosang asks nervously and San doesn’t think twice before he practically jumps towards Yeosang and claims his lips.
Their lips fit perfectly together like pieces of the same puzzle. The kiss is a bit messy as San had just jumped for it. Their teeth had clashed but they don’t mind as they quickly move to make the kiss deeper and better. San’s arms wrap around Yeosang’s neck, pulling him closer.
“I love you,” San says breathlessly once they pull away.
“I love you too,” Yeosang says just as breathlessly but they are both smiling.
“Put it on for me,” San says and Yeosang laughs before taking a ring out of the box. San notices that it has a small cat engraved on it. San giggles and Yeosang’s smile only widens as he takes San’s right hand and slips the ring onto his ring finger. “It’s perfect,” San says as he looks at his hand.
“Put mine on for me?” Yeosang asks.
“You don’t even have to ask,” San says excitedly as he pulls the second ring out of the box. San sees that Yeosang’s ring has a little dog engraved on it. “Doberman? Really?” San asks and Yeosang pouts. “See you look more like a Maltese pouting like that,” San says with a teasing smirk.
“Shut up and put it on me before I change my mind,” Yeosang grumbles and San laughs before he takes Yeosang’s right hand gently. He kisses the top of his hand making Yeosang blush. San giggles and then slips the ring into his ring finer.
“Perfect! Minus the Doberman, of course,” San says and Yeosang rolls his eyes.
“Shut up and kiss me again.”
San doesn’t have to be told twice as he claims Yeosang’s lips.