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You like fuchsia.
A color that you want to give to someone.
Someone with a very cloudy azure color.
You want to brighten those azure.
But you never know that all you give is a mere nightmare with a euphoric mirage.
You made a mistake.
And you couldn't do anything.
.
.
I hate fuchsia.
The color that you gave me
A color that you pinned on my sense of sight.
You gave me this nightmare.
Take it back. I don't need it!
I DON'T NEED IT!
.
.
This is just a reflection of our shared black destiny...
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My Azure... is murky.
Azure. An intensely blue color. That color is my eye color. The color of my eyes which had lost their refractive light since long ago.
Murky.
Why did I say that? My azure color should be bright. Clear. Not even the color of the sky and sea can match my azure. Nothing can.
But these azure eyes are muddy.
My color distortion is cloudy. Cloudy in the true sense. Even muddy in another sense. My sense of sight is getting cloudy. Cloudy in color. Cloudy of light. Cloudy of hope. Even cloudy about everything.
Darkness.
Yes. Darkness is my vision. Everything I saw was dark. Black is a color that always shrouds my sight and my mind. They will always accompany my path. I'm not allowed to see any color other than that. I'm not allowed to see the beauty of the world. I'm not allowed to look at anything. I'm not even allowed to gaze at the form of my own entity. Only darkness.
I can only stare at the darkness. I can only stare at black And forever will remain that way.
I've been... blind.
Laugh. Just laugh because there is a helpless human right in front of you. Laugh. For seeing the writhing of my disgusting helplessness. Laugh. I didn't have my sight anymore. Both my azure lost their function. I couldn't see anything. I'm helpless. Useless. Just like a slave in the dark. Who struggled wildly, shamelessly kept begging for a ray of hope. But the light never came.
And I'm getting worse.
Nobody cares about that.
These grains of sadness called tears just keep falling from my azure and no one will care.
.
No one cares.
Indifferent.
Left behind.
Bathed in contempt.
Covered in sin.
The death instinct is approaching.
That is me.
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People say that today morning is... sunny.
.
.
But for me, it isn't.
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.
I feel the hot sun kissing the expanse of my skin. But the light couldn't penetrate the darkness that fortifies my two azure. I can only feel. With black as my view. Beautiful birds chirping. The smell of the morning cools every living human being. The faint sound of the footsteps of dozens of people hit my hearing along the way. The world has started and I couldn't see it.
My fingers touch the texture of an ornament. An ornament is attached to the handle of the bench I'm currently sitting on. Cold. It was so cold. I feel the wet droplets of dew on the expanse of the ornament. Drizzling. It seems that the expanse of the sky had shed a few drizzling tears on this earth.
These are my days. If morning shouts to the world, I hasten to stamp my feet to go to a park. The park is not far from my house. I can walk there even though I'm blind. I can fulfill my wish even though I am hit with all these limitations. Only with a walking stick in my right hand and sometimes, I'm helped by some people who know me. They guided me there. If they have arrived at their destination, the final task they have to do is... to leave me. Leaving me alone to contemplate.
And here I am.
Alone.
In Nagazora Park.
Maybe I need to correct my theory of existence earlier. I'm not alone. The faint sound of small children having fun means that I am not alone. They accompany my existence in the darkness of my vision. They play happily. running. Blowing soap bubbles, until the bubbles hit all over my body, making the peak tingling sensation. My lips are drawn to each corner. I concluded with a smile that was so thin. Even though I was blind, I could feel what they were doing.
A nostalgic dimension then hit me in an instant.
Back then, this darkness had not stabbed my two azure.
I could feel a euphoria of vision. I was able to see the panorama of this world's life. Back then, I wasn't blind. I can see. I can see my form and I can see the state of the world.
However... fate said otherwise.
Fate put black ink on the white sheet of my life.
When I turned fifteen, my parents and I were happy. Take a vacation to a place by car. I still clearly remember the picture of my parents. They both smiled at me. They both looked at me tenderly. They both bestowed treasures in the form of affection for me. And I... really love them both.
In the end, the euphoria disappeared. Slashed by the savage sword of tragedy.
An accident happened.
Both my parents had to be willing to give their lives to the death. While I must be willing to wade through this life alone. I'm safe. And they died. I survived and they had to leave this world.
I'm safe.
I've been saved by a nightmare.
And the nightmare now surrounded me in... blindness.
The shards of the broken car's window hit the layers of my cornea and in the end, darkness came into my life. I must be willing to live forever with black.
How ironic.
Like it or not, I have to go through all the transitions of time. In a state of disintegration. In a weak state like this. I continued to pass the cruel transition of the times. Until I turned nineteen. And I continue to wander this life ... alone.
I'll just bide my time... to die.
Haha, to hell with people's views of my delusions. Fuck people's views about my irrationality. I don't care anymore. It's up to them if they say that back then, I was a strong young man. An unyielding young man! A young man with a determination of steel! A young man with a high zest for life!
But did they forget?
That life is always colored with dynamics?
Nothing is absolute. Nothing is absolute in this life. Nothing lasts forever. Everything changed. Everything is changing! I'm no exception. No matter how strong I am, the labyrinth of change will not be able to let me escape from it
Even since my parents died...
I'm already broken. I'm already dead from the inside.
They are both my hope and now...
They left... along with the light of my vision.
A bitter smile curled itself on my lips. I looked down. Yes, it should be like this...
.
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"I'm ready... to die at any moment."
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"Why do you always say something like that?"
.
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The spear of logic pierced through my reasoning the moment the source of that voice approached me, hitting my ears quite firmly. That voice... The voice of a man who is always present when I'm alone in the park-like this. The voice is yours...
That voice is yours.
"I wonder about you. When everyone values their lives, you just want to throw it away just like that." I'm just listening to your statement. From your tone, you seem so strict to me. As if the firmness was a form of reprimand so that I could think clearly.
But it's useless...
My logic is broken.
"What do you want? You don't have to meddle in my business!" I snapped with my pierced tone. I'm a little sick of you for always bothering me like this. Who are you anyway? It's easy to oppose my view of life like this. You always show up like this, affirming me. Hah! Just go away!
I don't need a preacher!
"Relax, I don't want to meddle in your business. I'm just stating my opinion."
Huh, what a calm tone you have. Your tone sounds small to my ears. And I can feel that you're starting to sit next to me. Pay attention to my condition. Fall silent.
What did you actually see?
Do you want to insult my limitations?
"Who are you? Why do you always appear in the park and approach me like this?" I can feel that a smile is tugging at your face. You smile. So calm in the face of this cold attitude of mine. You're not the least bit afraid of my anger.
You... just smile.
The same attitude every time you face me.
"I'm SU. An ordinary college student who just loves spending time in this park... and seeing you." you look at me so closely You know that my two azure looks so hollow. So murky. In fact... You know my limitations. And I don't care what you say at all. I'm just silent.
And you persist in not leaving me here alone.
"You know? For me, life is very, very precious. I hope that I can do something useful in my life even though my hope is just a mere dream." The wind started to blow at us. For some reason, I can feel that you close your eyes, feeling the cold wind pass through your body. I just kept silent and continued to stare blankly ahead.
"I often see you alone in this park. Every morning, you must be sitting on this same bench. Looking straight ahead with your empty eyes. I'm sure, even with your limitations, you can feel the joy of children playing around in this garden." I was a little shocked to hear your confession. What you said is right. It seems you really care about me to the point that you can predict my state of mind correctly.
Why?
"Why are you interested in paying attention to a blind person like me? What exactly do you want from me?" a wall of skepticism built up firmly in my belief. I don't believe you. And again, you watched me quite closely. Your eyes look deep into me.
.
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"I want to... always be near you."
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Silence.
I am surprised. Your sincerity rattles the strings of my intuition. You are so sincere with your statement. Though I don't know why you're attracted to a blind person like me. You're so sincere. You don't want to hurt me. Don't want to bother me. Don't want to insult me. You don't even want to have mercy on me. You don't want any of that.
You just want to... accompany me.
Be beside me.
Watching me.
Always near me.
You just want that. And then a cold smile formed on my lips. I smile with all my limitations. I can feel it... that after this...
A wave of changes will happen in my life.
"May I know, what is your name?" you asked quite gently. You ask with a gentle hope. You really want to know what my real name is. And your devotion makes the walls of my ego slowly melt.
I melt in front of you.
"Kevin Kaslana. That's my name."
.
.
When nightmare surrounds my existence
You who love life turned out to come with a hunk of hope
The shadow of my forgotten entity
Will I be meaningful to you?
.
.
You love life.
When your eyes fell on my figure, you made a vow. A pledge covered with a shield of sincerity to brighten my dim light. When your eyes stare at my figure, you are believing...
That I am the one who will be the pillar that supports your embers.
In the end, you always come to me. Sit beside me and tell me about your days. Even if I just stay silent and ignore you. You don't care. You stay close to me. Accompany me in my solitude and didn't want to leave me.
And you know... the impact you've had on me.
The longer it goes on, the more helpless I become in front of you.
My ego is collapsing. Suspicion has now evolved into a trust. You managed to completely snatch away my trust. You managed to get rid of my cold attitude. You fill my days. The day I always spent in the dark. A day which I always live in solitude. The days are getting longer and harder for me. However, you changed it...
To be the shards of such a colorful day.
You make me smile. Makes me laugh. Makes me happy. And made me feel... loved.
You care so much for me.
You really care.
Until the feeling of care is getting deeper...
And neither of us realized that.
"You... are precious to me, Kevin. I don't want to... lose you." You hug me tightly as you lean your face on my shoulder. You don't want to let me go. You don't want to lose me. I didn't understand your possessive attitude. I didn't understand your transition in nature. What makes me so precious in your eyes?
What exactly?
I could silently let my face rest on your chest. So warm. Your warmth makes me feel comfortable. My whole body began to tremble. I don't want the warmth to go away. I don't want your embrace to disappear. I'm such a selfish person now. Because I don't want you to leave me.
And all of this is proof.
Proof that I too started... depending on you.
"SU... why do you care so much about me?"
That question always echoed from my mouth. And there is never an answer that comes out of your mouth. There never was. You just kept silent with my question, choosing to not answer anything. Your embrace on my body is getting tighter and you can only rest your face on my head.
My logic is frantic about the enigma that is stuck in my mind.
.
.
Why are you silent?
What exactly are you hiding from me?
How hard is it to echo an answer?
Are you... scared?
.
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"He seems to be... very fond of you, Mr. Kevin."
"Huh?"
.
.
My mind was frantic to hear that.
We have been close for several months, and you invited me to live together. You're a pretty genius medical student. Comes from a rich family but prefers to live independently. I live in your apartment now. Be the person who always welcomes you every time you come home from your campus. Persuading me to accept your offer is not easy. I really admire your hard work and determination. You really care about me.
And now, even my reason was hit by a storm of the doubt after hearing an old lady's theory. An old woman who is a gardener in your apartment.
A theory... about your motives for me.
"What do you mean grandma? SU... love me?"
"Haha... yes, Mr. Kevin. You may not realize it because you can't look directly at Mr. SU's behavior. But I can assure you, that from the way he looks at you, pays attention to you even from how he takes great care of you, I'm sure that he loves you very much. He loves you very much, Mr. Kevin."
.
.
Love.
Is that true?
.
.
It never crossed my mind that you would feel that way for me. That feeling. A feeling that I never get from anyone. A sense of the supremacy of love. I never got that feeling from anyone but my parents. And since my parents died, I've never been loved.
But all your attention is on me. All that love. That caring...
Is it possible?
.
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Could it be that you... love me?
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"I..."
You couldn't answer it. This time I'm asking you directly. I asked with all my confidence. And here we are. I sat on the sofa, both my azure stared blankly ahead. And I know that you are standing in front of me. I can feel it.
You look... worried. Yes, you look so worried. You looked drowned in your doubt. Your determination is shattered. Dilemma.
Denial.
You're afraid of that. You're afraid of my denial. You can't say it from your lips. You fear the consequences.
And I was silent for a moment. Actually, I already know your answer. I'm starting to understand how you feel about me. You need me so much. And then my fingers touched my own chest. This beat is getting faster. I can't deny it.
I also feel the same way.
"I love you, SU..."
You may be surprised to hear my confession. Your whole body trembles with this reality. But I really didn't think that you would do this. You approached me quickly. You wrap your arms around me. You hugged me again very tightly. Like in the park that time. Like when I asked you some enigma. You just answered...
By hugging my body like this.
"Kevin...thank you." You pinned that sentence in my ear. Your voice vibrates. Your fingers are buried in the threads of my white hair. You squeeze your face against my cheek. You look shaken there. You hold my body tighter and you put your mouth on mine. You stabbed me with this contact. The closest contact we've never had before. You kiss me with all the taste you have. You didn't give me a chance to talk anymore. You paralyzed my logic with this. And I lost.
I'm getting mad at you. I'm resigned to letting you suck my mouth like this. I'm helpless. And slowly, I stab your mouth back at me with all the same taste.
You didn't say it.
But I know...
That there's no point in doubting your feelings anymore.
It's clear that you really need me...
More than I know.
_____
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Nothing lasts forever. Nothing is absolute. Nothing is static. Nothing is absolute.
Changes...
.
.
You and I have to be ready to accept that. Every level of time, fragments of change always hit. No one can deny it. Our life is no exception. There is a time called euphoria...
But don't forget that there is also something called... nightmare.
That nightmare once took my parents and the light of my vision away.
Now...
What else will it gonna take from me?
_____
"Kevin, I managed to get an advanced scholarship for my college next semester!"
It's a day where you seem happier than usual. Your face is full of enthusiasm. You smile all day. Hug me tightly. Tell me about all the achievements of your hard work so far. You show me your pride.
A smile tugged at my lips and then I said, "Congratulations, SU. You did great."
My praise makes your reasoning soar to the heights of euphoria. You are so happy to see how that smile slowly painted on my face. Even though I couldn't see you, I can still feel your happiness well enough. You're happy when I'm happy. And my happiness is to feel your happiness. This reciprocal relationship really benefits us. We need each other and do not want to be separated. No one is harmed in this case.
But you know...
That, our good relationship can be destroyed just because of... a little mistake.
A speck of mistake that you nurture the seed so that it spreads into a complex conflict.
You should know that secrets can't be kept forever.
Especially if our relationship is... this close.
.
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The seeds of destruction are embedded inside your body
A seed that explodes like a ticking time bomb
How long have you camouflaged that seed behind this fortress of lies?
Did you know that the power of time is stronger than... a secret?
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"Cough... kkhhh! Urrgh!"
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The coughing sound.
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The groaning sound of pain.
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This sound is your voice...
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"S-SU, what are you doing?" I panicked. I tried to walk slowly, trying to reach where you are now. I heard it. You coughed. You're coughing badly. You look... in pain. And I'm getting more and more panicked to find out what really happened to you.
You've been looking weird lately. You cough a lot. You often groan in pain and complain about it. You seem to be getting weaker. And you look... helpless.
Like there's something you want to hide from me.
Something important, which you've been hiding from me.
That's something...
What actually happened to you?
What?
I started to look down in silence. My intuition screamed out loud. I'm really useless.
Sometimes, I want to curse myself.
Because of my blindness...
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I can't see your pain.
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____
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Mute.
Silence.
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In this silence, you slowly shook your head. Your whole body aches and you are trying to maintain your logic. You want to fight for everything. You want to hide the destruction itself. You don't want me to know.
Your decision is unanimous.
No. I don't need to know about this. I don't need to know your biggest secret. I don't need to know about it.
I will be devastated if I know this.
I will have a breakdown with you.
You have to hide all this from me.
You don't want to destroy me.
For that purpose, you try to catch your breath. Try to control yourself. Your chest feels tight and hurts to get something out. It's as if there are hundreds of swords that stab you repeatedly. You're getting weak. You're out of breath. Cold sweat runs down your temples and you cough again. You coughed so badly that the pain stabbed your body more and more mercilessly. Oh my God... you're in so much pain. You're too sick. Even a red liquid starts coming out of your mouth when you cough. The liquid is living proof of your greatest secret. The biggest secret you've been hiding from me.
And I don't need to know.
You clean your mouth from the liquid. Even if the red spots seep into the clothes you're wearing, you don't care. The most important thing now is, you have to quickly get the red liquid out of your mouth. Before I came and approached you. Before I came and knew everything. Before I came and everything was exposed. And you coughed again. You coughed in pain. And the red liquid is melting from the corner of your mouth. You couldn't stop it.
Your handsome face is getting paler. Your breath hitched. The seeds of destruction within your body can no longer be stopped.
You can't get in the way of destiny.
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You know your death bell is ringing
You know that death requiem echoes
You know that the angel of death awaits you
Then...
Why are you still hiding that... from me?
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"SU!"
"K-Kevin..."
Your heartbeat seems to stop when I'm standing in front of you. It's as if there was a bullet that shot fast and pierced your temple when my two azure eyes stared directly at you. I can't see you of course. Only darkness and black color are in my view. But even so, my presence still makes you... trepidation.
"S-SU, wh-where are you now? What are you doing?" my hands seemed to grope forward. I want to reach you now. I tread my feet very carefully. I just want to reach you right now.
And you're getting paler. You put your feet back together. No. Don't let me find out about you. You're starting to back away from me. You don't want me to get you. The red liquid keeps dripping from your mouth and you don't want me to know.
"S-SU, where are you?"
"Kevin, please don't come here. I-I'm fine... ugh! Urghh!"
You lie.
You think that you can fool me that easily. You think that you can cover everything with this limitation of mine. You think that you can hide everything from me.
But you're wrong.
I'm not that stupid, SU...
I'm not that naive.
"SU, just tell the truth, what are you hiding from me? Please tell me! Don't walk away from me like this!"
"Kevin! Please stop! Don't come here!" you're getting panicky. I kept walking aimlessly. I just want to reach you. I just want to hug you right now. And why did you walk away like that?
What are you hiding from me?
WHAT?
"SU... don't go away from me... Argh!"
"Kevin!"
I'm not aware.
I didn't realize I was going in the wrong direction. I didn't realize that my leg was hitting something on the ground. My body started to fall down as my legs collided with something. I fell. I really looked like a helpless person.
Damn it!
What did I do wrong that I had to go through all these nightmares?
I'm really tired. I'm tired of being useless like this!
"Kevin! God, are you all right?" I started to feel that my body was being held quite gently. You grabbed both of my arms. Positioning my body to lean in your arms. You watched me closely. You look scared. Afraid if something happened to me.
But to be honest, I was the one who was more afraid.
I'm afraid of what you're hiding from me...
"K-Kevin? Answer me! Are you all right, huh? Come on, answer me!" you start shaking. You try to examine my bruised leg. I don't care about that. I only...
I just want to know about your condition!
"W-What is this? W-What is this liquid coming out of your mouth, SU?"
You seem frozen. You seemed to freeze when my palms began to touch your face. My fingers feel wet. I can feel that there is a liquid coming out of the corner of your mouth.
You know that all the truth will be revealed soon or later and you're still trying to cover it up...
"I-It's nothing, Kevin. It's not-"
"Don't lie to me! Since when did you become dishonest with me like this, SU? What are you hiding from me, just say it!" my body started shaking. I was so shaken.
How dare...
How dare you lie to me like this...
I know that you feel guilty.
You really feel so guilty.
And you don't care about any of that.
You're willing to break as long as I don't.
But, do you know, SU?
Covering everything up will only make me more... crushed?
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.
You're scared.
You start to tremble when my palms touch your face. You flinched when the red liquid that flowed out of your mouth had wrapped around my fingers. You flinched when I started to suspect you.
You tremble and become more and more afraid.
You can't hide it from me anymore. You knew from the start that all of this would be exposed too. You can't give me false happiness. By hiding the seed of destruction within yourself, you won't be able to stop that seed from destroying me either.
Because our bond is strong...
If you're broken... I'll be broken too.
"I'm not hiding anything from you, Kevin. I-I just drank... water."
How clever you are with your tongue to defend your lie. You know that your reasoning is completely illogical. You couldn't camouflage something that easily. The liquid is thick. So thick. It's definitely not ordinary water. You know that I can feel it.
Even though I'm blind...
I can definitely feel it.
.
.
You didn't realize when my fingers were stuck in your gray hair. You didn't realize I was squeezing it so tightly. You don't realize that I have slowly narrowed our distance. And you were so shocked when I linked your face to mine. You started to pale when I stabbed my mouth into yours. You're surprised.
I have kissed you... with all my might.
You know my motives. I want to find proof. I want to taste that thick liquid in your mouth. And you couldn't move when I forced my tongue to smack with yours inside your mouth. You're helpless. You couldn't brush me off. You can't.
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Enough.
I know now.
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.
The liquid that comes out of your mouth. The liquid you've been throwing up when you coughed. The liquid that you always excrete when you are sick. The liquid that is clear evidence of the seeds of your destruction that you have been buried all this time.
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"Blood..."
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This time has come...
A time where you have to write the truth in your mind
This is heavy
But we have no other choice...
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Tears fell naturally from my two azure. My mind seemed to be hit by a suffocating delusion. What have you been hiding all this time? You are sick. And you hid all this pain from me.
Why?
"Kevin..."
"Why? W-Why did you hide this from me?" I can't anymore. I couldn't hold back my sobs. I believe that this is a bad sign. I'm sure that nightmare will come and destroy me again.
My tears are getting heavier.
You shake your head. You hug me very tightly. I asked why and you just held me tighter. Just like that time.
Why are you always silent and won't answer me?
"Kevin, please. Don't... cry."
"Answer me. Answer me exactly what you're hiding, SU! Answer my question! Urgh ..." my chest felt tighter. I've never cried this much. I know that my behavior is disgusting.
But I know that after this, a new harsh reality will surely stab me.
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"Forgive me..."
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That's the only word that comes out of your mouth. Your body seems to be shaking. You bit your lower lip, holding back the pain. Hold all the pain that burns your whole body. You hug me as tight as you can. You let my tears roll down your body. You don't care. You hold me as if you didn't want to be separated from me. And you know...
That you can't get rid of this black destiny.
"I couldn't hold it any longer... Kevin. I can't last . . . here much longer."
.
What?
.
Thousands of swords seemed to stab my heart despondently the moment those words hit my ears. You know that this reality will destroy me. You even fear this reality. You are afraid to accept the fact that you will not live long enough.
However, what you fear the most is...
You're scared...
You're afraid if you have to leave this world and leave me... alone.
You're afraid to be separated from me.
You're afraid of not being near me anymore.
You're afraid that there's no one to protect me anymore.
You're afraid to look at me... shattered.
"I... have terminal blood cancer. I can only prolong my life... in a few months from now on, Kevin..." Your tone was bitter. And you camouflage it with a smile. You smiled with tears that started to fall from your eyes. You smile in pain. And the sound of crying is getting sadder. You couldn't stand to hear me cry. You hate to see me cry. But you also can't be selfish to tell me to stop crying.
I'm not a strong person.
I was dead from the start.
"Do you remember, Kevin? About what I said in the park that day? I always hoped that I could do something useful in my life even if it was just a mere dream. And you know what a useful thing is, Kevin? Do you know about it?" you smile again. The hug in my body felt even more tightly. You still won't let me go.
And your question is answered with my tears.
Then you gently stroked my snow-white hair. And you squeeze your face between my neck. "The thing that is useful to me is... to live longer, Kevin. So that I can accompany you. So that I can always be with you. So that I can accompany your life until you draw your last breath..."
"SU..."
.
.
You remember your vow
You want to brighten my dim light
You want to always be with me
Even though you know that fate never allows you to do that...
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.
The flow of time is getting more and more painful for us. My whole body also looked helpless. I could only shed tears until I'm tired. Even if these tears run out, replaced with blood, I don't mind.
Blood keeps dripping from the corner of your lips.
Your face is getting paler and paler. You already look like a pile of corpses still struggling to live. You know that the pain is burning your mind even more. Your whole body is shaking more and more and you're still trying... to be strong.
For my sake.
So that you can support my broken soul.
You press my body against yours. You hugged me tighter. You're weak. I am weak. We are both weak.
We have been toyed with by fate.
"You know, Kevin? From the first time I saw you, I really liked your two azure..."
"W-What?"
I was surprised to hear that. You accompanied that confession with a very thin smile. You looked at me very gently. You stare at my two azure which now looks even more cloudy than ever.
"I-If I die later, I want to give you my eyes. So that your azure will shine again. So that your azure can see the world again..."
Shock.
A thorn seemed to rip my heart so viciously when the confession entered my mind.
What the hell are you saying?
Don't you know that imagining you lying dead lifeless really torments me?
If I could have my ability to see again, I would have slapped you in the face by now.
"What the hell are you saying, SU? Do you think I can survive when I can see this world again thanks to your eyes and you have to leave me alone? I won't accept your eyes! I'd rather die with you than live in this world without you by my side!" I screamed disapprovingly. You started to hold my hands. I tried to push it away, but you really persisted in not wanting to let me go.
"I'm sorry, Kevin. I'm sorry for my selfishness. From the first time I saw you, I really liked the color of your eyes. Those murky azure of yours would definitely look beautiful if they were bright. My eyes... are fuchsia. Even though I can't live in this world anymore and be with you, I want to give the light of my sight to you, Kevin... you are very precious to me."
.
.
Why?
.
Why are you torturing me like this?
.
.
"I-I don't want to..."
"And regarding answers about why I haven't answered your questions all this time. Questions about my concern for you. Questions about why I care about you this much. What feelings do I have for you? I... will answer them now, Kevin. I will answer them now. ..."
"S-Stop it, SU... Don't say... Don't say it now..."
I'm really broken.
All of this hurts even more. In fact, all of this is more painful than death. You hugged me again You squeezed your face against my cheek. We cry. We both cry in this pain. I cry bitterly...
And you cry in... relief.
A smile on your lips.
You echo the intuition that you've been hiding from me...
.
.
"I... love you so much, Kevin..."
.
.
You scratch your intuition
You scratched it at the last moment
You want to leave the calming feeling
Your love will continue to permeate my soul... forever
.
.
You did this on purpose.
You're deliberately telling your heart at a time like this.
The heart you've been hiding for so long
What you couldn't tell me in the past.
You have a reason for all this.
You have a reason...
.
.
If love has been pledged, then the next thing to do is... promise.
You didn't say what you were feeling on purpose. You deliberately never answered all my questions so far. You're deliberately silent. You're on purpose to be silent. All this time you showed your feelings with action. Not a single word comes out of your mouth. Love. You don't say the word, it's not because it's hard to say it with your mouth. It's not like that.
But simply, because you have to promise...
You have to promise to be with the person you love.
If you say you love me, then all you have to do is a promise. You have to promise that you will be with me forever. And will never leave me alone.
And you didn't say it the whole time...
Because you couldn't keep your promise to me.
You can't be with me. You won't be with me much longer. You've lost to death. You have no power to change things.
Nightmare wants your life.
And you have to be willing to give it up.
You're not afraid to die. You are not afraid of the torment of death. You're not afraid of it.
What you're afraid of is... me.
You're afraid to make me die because of this.
You're really scared...
.
.
"I'm sorry, Kevin... I'm sorry. Thank you for all the hope you gave me. I will always love you... forever."
.
.
I'm broken.
There are no more strings of words that echoed between us. We have surrendered to fate. There is no power to change all this. This fate has already happened and we must be willing to follow it. No matter how heavy it is.
We are too sick to feel pain.
We were both already tired.
Fate will separate us after this. We won't be able to meet again. We can't be together anymore. We will be separated for a long time. You're leaving and I have to wait for my death strings to be plucked so I can be with you again.
The sound of crying still echoes.
And you... could only hold me, stab me in the face with your face and kiss me as deep as you can. We can only share pain like this. Even though this contact is stained with the taste of blood in your mouth. Even the tears that stick to our faces also decorate this. I do not care. We just want to be together for a moment.
We are both desperate.
We are both helpless.
We can no longer fight against destiny.
We are just victims of dystopian ruthlessness.
We have been destroyed.
.
.
We are truly doomed.
.
.
Smile at the world when your two azure is bright again.
Look up at the sky when your two azure is bright again.
Give me a smile when your two azure is bright again.
I will always be the light of your vision even if my entity perishes.
.
.
People say that my azure looked... bright. Again.
.
.
But for me, it isn't.
.
.
Now I can see everything. I can see the hot sun kissing the expanse of my skin. Beautiful birds chirping. The smell of the morning cools every living human being. The faint sound of the footsteps of dozens of people hit my hearing along the way. The world has started and I can see it.
Once again, I touched the texture of an ornament. An ornament that is always attached to the handle of the bench I always sit on in the park. There is a drop of dew there. And I can see that this morning, the sky shed its drizzling tears as usual.
I can see now.
I've even seen a group of children playing in the park. Run around and blow soap bubbles as usual. This really looks like a deja vu.
But this is not a perfect deja vu.
I can't... see you again.
I can't see your existence anymore.
Someone who always approached me in the park. Someone who always accompanies me. Be beside me. Protect me. Who gave me love.
It's gone.
Your entity has perished.
You really left me here. Alone.
You left me alone with all this petty nightmare.
My fingers then touched the side of my eye. The layers of your cornea blend into my azure. You did give me the light of sight. But at the same time...
You've made me... die.
You're torturing me slowly.
You have killed me with this vision.
Even though now my azure is bright...
But the azure will not be able to lighten the cloudiness of my soul.
.
.
Right on the day you died...
The cold wind blows my body
My tears fall in the eternal dimension
Your shadow is getting real and absolute life in my mind
Did you know that nightmare also chimes my death requiem?
I've been kneeling in my sweat.
My lifeline is getting eroded over time.
Even though you hope that I live happily with these two fuchsias of yours...
But sorry...
I can't keep that promise.
.
.
Lacrimosa dies illa
Qua resurge ex favilla
Judicandus homo reus
Huic ergo parce, Deus
Pie Jesu Domine
Dona eis requiem
Amen.
.
.
My death requiem echoes...
.
.
When my light dimmed again, the angel of death concluded a smile on me.
The strings of my death have been plucked.
Resonance spreads... along with a spark of pain.
Laugh...
I laughed at all of this.
I'm getting sicker and I'm just laughing.
The stab of time has written misery.
Now I fell in the blessing of the soul of the earth.
My body is weary with exhaustion.
I'm getting tired of life... more tired to breathe.
My two azure smiles in satisfaction.
Lacrimosa... dies illa...
On that weeping day...
I'm certain.
That my essence... will surely come to your place.