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"Alright Vic," Robert says to his sister when he enters the pub, bundled up in a thick scarf and tailored peacoat.
Aaron looks up from his morose silent conversation with his pint, halfway bent over the bar counter, and manages a tired smile. Victoria can't even manage that and shuffles deeper into Adam's embrace.
Robert gives them a questioning look, so Aaron pats the empty chair beside him.
"We had a massive order from Newcastle today," Aaron explains, feeling tired of just thinking the thought and saying the words. "We only had a couple of hours to scrap it. We're all a bit tired now."
Robert snorts and casts a quick amused look Victoria and Adam's way. "I can see that."
"You're back early today," Aaron says and runs his hand quickly down Robert's arm and brushes his thumb over the largest vein in Robert's hand. Robert's eyes follow the movement and he smiles, pulling out a bright red and blue card with 'Congratulations on...' written on the front with big gold letters from his coat pocket. He slides it towards Aaron and motions for him to open it. Aaron gives him a confused but also slightly amused stare and opens the card. The words 'Your Pregnancy!' is crossed out and instead written in capital letters is the words 'Our Shagaversary'.
"I don't get it," Aaron says.
Robert sighs long-suffering and leans in closer, whispering into Aaron's ear. "Back of a car... last December..."
Aaron flushes. "It's been a year already?"
"Already? Feels like a lifetime," Robert says grinning and moves his chair even closer to Aaron's, hand gripping onto his thigh.
"Oi, you two!" Ross says from somewhere behind them. "Get a room. Some of us are trying to eat here!"
"Gladly," Aaron says and grips the hand on his thigh. They grin stupidly at each other, before Aaron leads them behind the bar and they head upstairs.
Their little room is cluttered, even though many of Robert's assorted things sits in the loft gathering dust and Stub takes up a large part as well. Aaron's lives by the philosophy of three shirts, wash repeat - the same with trousers. Robert, however, takes clothes to the next level, meaning their shared closet holds more suits than Aaron knows what to do with. Which leads to their assorted gadgets sitting around the room taking up space.
"Guess I've gotten used to the extra space on Home Farm," Robert had said with a frown when Aaron had brought the issue up.
"No kidding," Aaron had deadpanned.
They don't generally argue over the space, which is nice in a domestic sort of way, but Aaron rues the day Robert has had enough and finds them somewhere else to live. Robert spends three nights a week in Leeds at a hotel, leaving Aaron to twiddle his thumbs and fighting the urge to take the car and follow him down there. He has a standing FIFA date with Adam on those nights, but he still has the bear the nights alone with only Stub for company.
"I just don't understand why you have to spend those nights in Leeds," Aaron complains when they are lying side-by-side stark naked.
Robert sighs and leans onto his arms to stare down at him. "We've talked about this."
"I know, but I still feel like your kept housewife, getting your dry-cleaning and making sure dinner is ready for when you get back from there," Aaron says and avoids Robert's eyes.
"I got off early today to celebrate our anniversary and you're spending it complaining like a kept housewife," Robert says annoyed.
"I'm more like a kept secretary, actually," Aaron says petulantly. "It's not even a proper anniversary. How can you celebrate the first time you cheated on your wife with your male lover? In the back of a car no less."
"Why are you being like this?" Robert asks, sounding hurt. "I'm not being like anything," Aaron says and gets up, pulling on his underwear and tries to find a shirt in one of their many piles. "And if you're so happy in Leeds, why don't you just move there permanently."
"Aaron!" Robert yells after him, but Aaron leaves the room before he looses his nerve.
He's got some work at the scrapyard anyway.
--
Stub has been watching over Lachlan at the scrapyard, but greets Aaron happily like she always does.
"At least you won't leave me," he tells her, before entering the portacabin to find Lachlan slacking off.
Lachlan looks startled and quickly hides his phone from Aaron.
"I'm not paying you to sit in here," Aaron tells him annoyed.
"You're not paying me at all," Lachlan says and rolls his eyes.
"Drop the attitude. I'm not in the mood." "But it's raining outside." Aaron gives him a scathing look and Lachlan eventually covers under it, skulking off outside with his headphones in.
Aaron shakes his head at the kid and sits down over by the desk and puts his feet up on the table, heavy boots and all.
He gets that he's acting irrationally and Robert definitely didn't deserve his outburst... All that clutter in their room and with Robert's family and with Chas breathing down their necks... He can't want it. Robert must want to live somewhere else.
He gets the card out from where he's hidden it in the back of his trousers and opens it. It's a fairly ugly card with balloons on the side and some sort of bunny doing what looks to be a silly dance. Besides writing 'Our Shagaversary', Robert's also drawn a car and two stick figures standing beside it with happy smiles. It's ridiculous. It's also actually thoughtful in a weird sort of way. Aaron hasn't even remembered the date and he honestly didn't even think that Robert is the anniversary sort of person.
Lachlan slinks back inside, looking completely drenched and miserable. Aaron rolls his eyes at him again, but doesn't object when Lachlan sits down. The kid always has a special kind of gift of spectacularly creeping everyone out, including Aaron. The only reason he's even working at the scrapyard is because no one really has to talk to him. Also Lawrence keeps breathing more and more money into the business, trying to keep Aaron and Adam from firing his grandson.
"Is it your birthday or something?" Lachlan asks. "Why have you got a card?"
"It's none of your business," Aaron bites.
"I was only asking," Lachlan bites back defensively.
Aaron gives him a look. "Do you understand why you're here?"
"Because you feel guilty about the whole Robert thing?" Lachlan offers.
"Because your mum is a better person than you and she reckons doing a bit of labor will sort your head straight," Aaron tells him. "But I know what you are and doing Chrissie a favour doesn't change that. You're not here to ask questions or even breathe out of turn. Go sit in a corner or sumthin."
Lachlan looks offended, but he doesn't contradict Aaron, not like he used to do in the beginning with all his angst and dopey teenage eyes. Maybe him working there is actually good for him. Who would have thunk it?
--
Robert corners him at the bridge, Stub barking happily at his appearance. He looks strangely out of sorts, wearing some hastily put together clothes and his hair wind-blown.
Aaron gives him a good stare, partly annoyed and partly grateful.
"You need to start communicating," Robert says. "Vic tells me it's a thing blokes are rubbish at."
"No kidding," Aaron says shrugging. "You talk to your sister about us?"
"She's like the gay man's guru," Robert says amused.
"She's gotta be with Finn's bloke."
Robert snorts. "What a tool."
Aaron agrees and they continue walking in awkward silence.
"Do you really want me to move to Leeds?" Robert asks after a while.
"What kind of question is that?" Aaron says avoiding the answer - the real answer.
"Is it because I work too much?"
"Of course you work too much. Otherwise you'd already be back to your old tricks."
"But is it a problem?"
"Just leave it, Robert," Aaron says annoyed. "Nothing is wrong. I appreciate the card and that you came home early."
Robert stops and grabs Aaron's arm, turning him half way around, trying to catch Aaron's eyes. Aaron looks away. "Stop trying to tell me you're not mad," Robert says. "I know that you are."
Aaron doesn't want to talk about it. He wants Robert to leave it alone, so they can talk about other things - less important things.
"I tried to do something nice, Aaron, for you. I don't understand why you're mad," Robert says and he looks defeated.
"Look," Aaron says and pulls him closer by the lapels of his jacket. "Just let me work it out in my own head first. It gets all jumbled up and weird. I don't want to say something wrong."
Robert places his hands on Aaron's waist and lowers his head a bit, making his lips even more kissable. "Communication is a two-way street. We need to be better at talking."
"The card is ridiculous," Aaron admits and pushes up against Robert to kiss him. He feels Robert's fingers tightening, shifting him even closer, and he loves how secure and warm it makes him feel. When they finally part, Aaron keeps an arm secured around Robert's waist, which makes Robert smile. Aaron knows he's not good at the whole public thing, but the last thing he wants at that second is to let go of this feeling of being loved. He's still mad and he's still annoyed, but it's more at the situation than Robert. It doesn't even really make sense, other than the fact that Aaron knows there is something he needs to put words to.
Robert kisses the side of his head and they take a longer detour back towards the village.
--
It's nearly midnight and Stub is lying at Aaron's feet by the sofa when Diane enters the living room, looking dead on her feet and a bit cold. She startles at Aaron presence, pressing a hand to her chest.
"Why are you still up, love?" She asks.
"Got Netflix on," Aaron explains. "Robert has been shouting at some poor bloke for the last half hour. Thought I'd wait up to see if he had to leave."
She gives him a worried look. "You don't sleep well when he's not here. Don't think I haven't noticed."
Aaron shrugs. "His work is important to him."
"More important than you?" she says.
"You can't really compare it like that," he tells her. "Being a businessman entertains him. He doesn't really make trouble here anymore."
She nods. "That I have noticed. I suppose you're right. I just don't understand why that police officer had it out for him? He said he loved Robert once."
"Diane..."
"No, but I just want to understand, pet, don't you see that?" she says and she sounds sad.
Aaron sits up, startling Stub. The dog gives him a tired look, makes sure he isn't going anywhere and promptly falls back asleep. "I shouldn't say this," he says, lowering his voice so Diane has to lean closer. "Like seriously, it's not my place. You have to speak to Robert, not me."
She sighs. "But you're easier to talk to. You can't really talk to him about anything. I admire your loyalty, though. I know he feels the same for you."
"Yeah," he says and smiles at Robert coming back inside with a wildly annoyed look on his face. It's instantly hidden the moment he sees Diane.
"What are you doing up, Diane?" Robert asks and briefly touches her shoulder.
"This old bladder isn't doing me any favours," she says, brushing off the reason she's sat with Aaron in the first place. She stands up and with a last brush of her hand against Robert's, she heads upstairs again.
"What did she want?" Robert asks, pushing Aaron backwards on the sofa with both his hands and cuddling close. Aaron can still feel Robert's agitated heartbeat and wonders what the poor idiotic man did to anger him.
"She's just worried about ya," he says and sighs into Robert's longer arms.
"She should mind her own business," Robert says and it doesn't even sound biting - more like a teenage boy being annoyed at his parents.
They cuddle together in companionable silence and watches Walter White bury a body, while Aaron tries to process the thoughts in his head like he promised Robert he would.
Robert doesn't talk about what he does for Alfred Queen, but Aaron knows it isn't just small-time things. He's always sorting something or looking through papers that Aaron won't ever understand. He does actually honest to God work for Chariot Autos as well, which must double the workload a bit. He drives to and fro Leeds because of Aaron even though some parts of the business must suffer from it - on the other hand, Aaron isn't in the thick of whatever Robert does and that's probably good too. Aaron promised himself that he would never turn a blind eye to what Robert was doing, but he's done exactly that and it happened the moment it benefitted them both. He doesn't regret keeping his family safe and giving Robert a sort of honest lifestyle that pays for Aaron's fancy shrink and Robert's sports cars.
He regrets the distance and him sitting back in Emmerdale, working one day at the time, never reaching for anything more. Robert always reaches for more and wants to become a person that has something to say and Aaron wonders when the day will come where Robert will have reached so high that Aaron can't follow him any longer. Maybe it's easier cutting the losses early... maybe Robert will even understand where Aaron is coming from and they can continue something... anything really. He knows one thing though and that's the fact that he's tired of feeling like this, like he's holding Robert back from becoming something extraordinary.
Robert's breathing has evened out while Aaron's mind has been in overdrive. Aaron slowly untangles himself and catches himself staring at the strands of blonde hair falling against Robert's eyes. He's going to have a stiff back if he stays on the sofa, so Aaron gently shakes Robert's shoulder and guides them upstairs and into bed, Robert following silently and with a hand locked onto Aaron's like he can't find it in himself to let go.
Aaron doesn't want to let go either.
--
By morning he's made a decision and he tries to keep it under complete lockdown while Robert is getting ready for another drive down to Leeds and his work. Stub sits by him worriedly anyway and sometimes he wants to curse how good she is at sensing his moods. She's never wrong and Aaron can tell that Robert catches it as well, which makes him irritable and stubborn, not wanting to leave the house.
"Have you got plans with Adam today?" Robert asks, pouring himself another cuppa.
"No," Aaron says. "Just work."
Robert is giving him a hard and long stare. "Maybe you should take a day off. You could go and see Leo."
"I'm fine, thanks," Aaron says and they sit together silently, a battle of wills happening without a word being spoken.
"Well, I love you," Robert finally sighs. "If that makes a difference."
He leaves with one last worried glance, going through the pub to catch Chas. Aaron spends too long trying to figure out if he should reply, but doesn't decide until he can't see or hear Robert anymore. It doesn't matter anyway.
He sleepwalks until noon and begs off work early to walk back to the pub. He kisses his mum’s cheek when he walks by her and it hurts sort of when she’s still surprised he can show that kind of affection towards her.
He trips over a couple of fallen car magazines in the doorway and curses a bit loudly. There is so much clutter and useless things that no one needs. Aaron doesn’t need it.
He finds a couple of black plastic bags and fills them up with all of Robert’s things. He needs to sort through all of their things before Robert gets back to the village at five. Maybe he will even find things of his own he won’t need. Who needs their old school books anyway?
They’ve only lived permanently in the pub for two months, but the room hasn’t undergone a complete clean (and to be honest, before that as well) in the months before that. He sneezes and coughs while sorting through old car manuals and Robert’s many books on finance that he managed to hide from Chrissie’s crusade against him. He’s determined even though he can barely breathe.
The first time Robert moved in, back when things started to get really bad, they didn’t have the same intimacy or want for each other. It’s gone so meaningful and beyond anything Aaron could ever dream of that the thought of separating their lives… no, it’s better that they do. It’ll be with less resentment in the end. He has to believe that.
“What are you doing?” Victoria shouts over the loud music, coming in uninvited.
“Do one!” he shouts back.
“Stub’s been barking your door down,” she says angrily. “You didn’t hear her?”
“Go away, Victoria!”
“Why are you throwing Robert’s things out? What’s he done?”
Aaron rolls his eyes. “Why have you got to assume it’s something he’s done?”
“Because it’s always something he’s done,” she tells him.
“Well, it’s not,” Aaron says and throws some of Robert’s better clothes into another bin back. “Leave me alone.”
She gives him a hard stare, but eventually leaves, letting Stub into the room.
Stub whines loudly and walks between Aaron’s legs trying to get his attention. He tries not to care.
Aaron stares at the almost completely empty room, bin bags stacked up against one wall, only slightly separated by a small space so he can tell which are his things. It's all just meaningless things in the end. None of it really matters.
--
Robert has a Range Rover, a big black one that he rarely uses and mostly leaves with Aaron and Victoria to use. Aaron finds the keys by the downstairs' door and pulls all of Robert's things into the back, painstakingly packing it like puzzle pieces. He feels dirty and his back and knees aches from scrubbing the floors with his bare hands. His mum saw him and he knows she called Robert when he turns up an hour later in his Mercedes while Aaron is throwing the last of his things into the back of the Rover.
"What are you doing?"
"Spring cleaning."
"Aaron, stop!"
Aaron doesn't and pulls the back closed, all the bin bags falling into place behind the metal and glass. It's not until then that he turns to face his boyfriend. "I've decided you're moving."
Robert looks blind-sided, hands on his hips and with that sheepish look on his face. "And with what conversation did we decide that?" he bites.
"We haven't decided anything," Aaron says and he tries his hardest to make his voice not shake. Stub is sitting beside the car completely silent but vigilant. She's waiting. "It'll be best if you live in Leeds."
"Why was I not included in this life-changing decision? I feel like I should have a say if we broke up," Robert says and he sounds defensive and confused.
"We're not breaking up," Aaron tells him, maybe if he sounds like he means it, it will be true. "Your life is in Leeds, your job... I don't want to hold you back."
Robert gives him the most disbelieving look and crosses his arms. "You can't make that decision for me."
"I just did," Aaron says and leans against the Range Rover.
"Your mum and Vic said you had gone off your head," Robert says and stalks closer to Aaron, making him stand up taller and maybe feel like he can push through. He knew Chas blabbed. "I knew something was wrong this morning. I shouldn't have left."
"You won't make me change my mind," Aaron tells him.
"Aaron, I don't want to move to Leeds," Robert says and it sounds sincere.
"Well, you can't flaming want to live like this permanently. There are things everywhere and Stub's dog hair and all your shirts are hanging out in the open."
"I admit Stub's hair is annoying," Robert comments.
"See, I knew," Aaron says.
Robert rolls his eyes. "It was a bloody joke, you fool. I don't care about any of that."
"In Leeds it wouldn't even be a joke."
"Stub wouldn't be in Leeds and neither would you. That's all I care about," Robert says earnestly. "It would just be an empty place with cold rooms and no dog to walk early in the morning. If I wanted that I would have stayed in London."
Aaron doesn't understand the rationale coming from Robert's mouth. Hasn't he wanted more space? Hasn't he yearned for less commuting? Has Aaron got it all wrong?
"I thought you were at a better place," Robert continues. "I thought that you were celebrating life? How do you go from saying you've got things to sort in your head to throwing me out? What's your process? Why won't you tell me?"
He's got Aaron pressed up against the Range Rover and Aaron can barely breathe, his heart hammering away in his chest and not in the good way. He pushes Robert away and nearly runs into the pub. If he goes into a public place, Robert won't talk about it. He won't want to air their dirty laundry like he did with Chrissie back in the day. Aaron will be safe from the other side of the bar, as far away from the back door as possible.
"Are you all right?" Chas asks worriedly and touches his shoulder. He flinches away and sees Robert entering behind the bar. He stiffens visibly and quickly gazes around the pub.
"At least give me the curtesy to object to your decision-making," Robert says, leaning against the rickety table and watching Aaron over his nose.
Aaron refuses to answer and instead stares stubbornly away.
"Has he thrown you out again?" Kerry says, two tables over with amusement in her eyes."What have you done this time, Robert?"
"I don't know," Robert says annoyed, keeping his gaze on Aaron.
"He hasn't done anything," Aaron says defensively and sometimes he doesn't fully hear what comes out of his mouth before they're said.
"Why don't you take this into the back?" Chas says unhelpfully. "No one needs to hear you shouting at each other... again."
"Do you know why I'm being thrown out of my own home?" Robert says and stares accusingly at her.
She gives Aaron a look and he stares at her impassively. "No, but I don't think my son quite knows either, so why don't you get in the car and get yourselves in to see Doctor Anderson? He might be a bit better suited for this fight."
"I'm fine!" Aaron says annoyed. "Stop treating me like I'm sick."
"But you are sick, love," his mum says. "And it's okay to need help about certain things."
"Stub's been giving us the warning signs, Aaron," Robert says rationally. "It might not be a bad idea."
"Stop ganging up on me," Aaron snipes at them and his heartbeat is still too fast. He doesn't like this feeling he has inside, like he can't breathe and everything is becoming a bit too much. He doesn't want Robert to be mad at him. Why can't he see that he just wants what's best for him and Robert in the long run?
Chas sits down beside him and places a tentative hand on his. He watches her stroke his irritated skin from all the scrubbing. "You understand why Robert and I get worried when something like this happen, don't you? You understand why we can't just accept the status quo when it's something that will clearly upset you in the long run," she says softly and Aaron sort of gets it. He hears the words and tries to make sense of it. "I know you think it's hard to talk to me, but then at least confide in Robert. He's fighting this because he loves you. You know he loves you, right?"
Aaron finally stares at Robert and everything seems a bit more bearable.
--
That night, he clings to Robert in their almost empty room, the moon bright and shining in through the loft window. Robert lets him lie in a daze, quiet and supportive while Aaron fights through his thoughts, trying to find a way to vocalise the fact that he doesn't want Robert to leave him. Robert doesn't sleep either, but he's constantly in contact with Aaron.
Aaron has never let anyone touch his scars the way Robert touches them, like it's okay to have them. Often when they sit together, Aaron presses his back against Robert's front and feels the steady heartbeat of sitting that close together. Robert always sneaks his fingers between Aaron's layers and rests his hand just over the pelvic, a warm hand and a comfort and closeness that Aaron doesn't understand he's ever deserved. He feels best when they are close like this, when Aaron doesn't have to put on a façade and pretend things are better just because he looks better and behaves like he's better. It doesn't work like that.
"I don't know how to learn to trust you," Aaron finally says when it's almost five in the morning. "I trust you with everything, my life, my sanity... but I don't know how to trust that you won't leave."
Robert's been dozing on and off for hours, but he wakes completely now, watching Aaron silently.
"So I tried to make you leave," he finally vocalises. He's said it. "I don't want you to leave."
"I'm in this, Aaron," Robert almost whispers and he says it with such love. "You and me and your depression."
Aaron huffs slightly. It's not so bad when Robert puts it that way.
"I can't live in the clutter," Aaron says and surprises himself because he hasn't actually realised it's bothered him. "I can't concentrate. It's hard to sleep."
"I read that somewhere," Robert says and cuddles in closer behind Aaron, shuffling into his neck. "Doctor Anderson has told me about things, things that would help you - anniversaries, paying the bills, talking about positive things. I never realised clutter could be a factor too."
Aaron smiles. "You do those things to help me?"
"Is the sky blue?" Robert whispers and kisses the nape of Aaron's neck. "Is the Queen our monarch? Stop asking pointless questions."
"Okay," Aaron agrees and falls asleep.
--
Aaron's room continues to be used every now and again, but Robert eventually does strike when one of the cottages opens up and they move all of four houses down from the pub with two bathrooms, a master bedroom with a large bright window in it, so Aaron will wake up every day with the sun. Their clutter gets put away into neat cupboards, clothes folded painstakingly by both of them and as soon as the weather allows it, they tear the messy garden away and plant easy green grass. Robert says it reminds him of Scandinavia living with someone with a depression, all clean lines and bright colours. He likes the simplicity of knowing where everything is, so somehow Aaron doesn't actually find having to live like this a burden.They put up a Friends poster in the living room and regularly print silly Internet memes out and sticks them on the fridge.
Their day jobs are mental, especially Robert's - though Aaron still stays well clear. But he goes with Robert sometimes and sees the legit businesses and tries to be someone Robert isn't ashamed of bringing to one of his fancier networking parties. Robert never asks, but Aaron likes doing little things to show that he wants to give Robert everything too. Sometimes he feels like he only ever takes and receives from everyone else, never giving anyone something in return. It's the depression talking - partly anyway, in the sense that some people are just naturally inclined to not be the centre of attention. That's normal, too.
Robert basks in the attention when Aaron shows up at his office one day, dressed in a suit.
"Thank you for remembering our anniversary, back in December," Aaron says and straddles Robert's office chair with Robert following his movements, eyes darkening.
"It became a bit of a spectacle, though," Robert says and grabs Aaron's thighs, before moving them upwards until he teaches Aaron's waist under the jacket, gently caressing with his thumbs.
"Rob," Aaron sighs and pulls at Robert's offending jacket while leaning forward to press wet kisses onto Robert's neck.
Robert's neck flushes and he moves his head to the side, leaving plenty of space for Aaron to work on. "It's a good thing I'm not a fan of glass offices... For me anyway. Could you imagine Hensley walking by?"
Aaron moves back and rolls his eyes, before leaning in again.
"Aaron," Robert says and his voice is breaking slightly, but he sounds a bit serious.
"Am doing my best work here. You're spoilin' it, yeah," Aaron says, but pulls back because Robert has his long fingers wrapped around his shoulders.
"Thank you for this," Robert says seriously.
"What, coming for a shag in the office? You don't have to tell me you've got a dirty mind and you're dead easy in public places."
Robert rolls his eyes with a faint sign of amusement on his lips. "I owe it all to you, you know, the office... my happiness."
"We're good right, the two of us?" Aaron says soberly. "Yeah, we are," Robert says with a blinding smile and they crash together in a kiss.
Fin (13-3-15)