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Pran stares at the ceiling of his room, trying to untwist the knot in his stomach. Himself and Pat were hanging out in Pat’s room earlier in the evening when they had had a little lovers quarrel if you will.
Pran thinks it’s silly now, it was really only over some teasing Pat had done by declaring his love for Pran. He had painted a large banner and payed some nongs to hang it from the balcony that looked down over the architect canteen.
It read ‘Pran, you look really cute today’ which had sent his friends and many other students into fits of laughter and Pran had been embarrassed again.
When Pat and Pran had been alone, Pat had chewed him out for the public declaration even if nobody knew who it was really from. Pat had been upset and sulking while Pran argued about it being too bold.
The words Pat said had been stuck in his head since. “Well at least it shows I love you.” That had quieten Pran down, enough for Pat to apologies for the teasing.
It had been stilted the rest of the night while they ate and watched tv and when Pran finally went back to his own room, when Paa had come back to the dorm, he had a chance to really digest the words.
“At least it shows I love you.” Pran whispers out loud, the knot in his stomach growing tighter. He did love Pat, he thought the other knew this. Pat said the words all the time, easily rolling off the tip of his tongue. Pran said them infrequently and sometimes reluctantly.
Pran had been sure that Pat knew that the feeling was mutual, that Pran did love Pat just as much as Pat loved him. Maybe it wasn’t. Pran felt a little sick, thinking about how his boyfriend clearly didn’t think he loved him back.
He needed to show Pat that he did love him and that it wasn’t just a one sided feeling. He needed to show Pat the same amount of love that Pat showed him daily.
———
Pran didn’t get a great sleep, too busy worrying on how he was going to make it up to Pat. First of all he would start with breakfast. Usually if they have a spat, Pat brings him breakfast to apologise even when it isn’t his fault.
Pran threw the covers off and headed through his morning routine quicker than usual. Instead of getting ready to make himself breakfast he headed down to the market not far from the dorms where they sell breakfast foods.
He gets himself something light, his stomach still churning a bit, and gets Pat his favourite. He returns quickly and almost drops the bag of food when he bumps into Pat as he’s stepping out the lift on their floor.
“Oh. You got breakfast?” Pat asks confused. Pran doesn’t think his boyfriend should be confused when he goes to get them breakfast instead of the other way around. Was Pran really that bad of a boyfriend?
“I just thought that you always get us breakfast so I would get us some for a change.” Pran replies, only to have a cool hand pressed to his forehead.
“Are you sick? This isn’t part of your routine.” Pat explains to him like Pran doesn’t know his own routine. He must be a really bad boyfriend to get this treatment.
“Just take it.” Pran snaps unnecessarily. He can see Pat is taken aback by the harshness and Pran wilts a little. He’s making this worse, why can’t he just tell him he loves him more often when he does feel that way.
“Sorry, I was just trying to apologise.” Pran quickly adds, chewing at his lip a little as he thinks. Pat presses a light kiss against his cheek and takes the bag from him, pulling Pat by the arm back towards the door.
“Thank you baby. Sorry again for messing with you. I love you.” Pat says, so simply that it makes Pran’s heart squeeze. He wills himself to say it back but before he can Pat is urging him to get his keys out because he doesn’t want to have breakfast with his boyfriend when Paa is still sleeping in their room.
———
Pran tries to message Pat frequently during the day. Pat always does it with him and makes him feel loved without even trying and Pran wants to make sure Pat knows Pran can do that too.
He messages him cute little things about his day and makes sure to tell Pat that he looked handsome when Pran spotted him on the rugby field when he was dropping Wai off for practise on the way back to the dorm.
He gets replies back for most of them but towards the end of the day Pat is asking him if he’s sure he’s feeling alright because Pran never texts his this much and definitely doesn’t send him this many hearts and smiley faces in texts.
It makes Pran feel rotten as he sits in his room at the end of the night attempting to do homework. Pran really is an awful boyfriend. He doesn’t do any of the things Pat does for him, no wonder Pat feels unloved.
After a few moments of panicky breathing he comes to the conclusion he will have to do better. Make sure it’s normal for Pat to feel loved and welcome in Pran’s life. Whatever it takes.
Pran makes sure to spend the rest of the week doing the things his boyfriend does for him usually, as well as lots of extras. Such as doing his laundry instead of Paa to make sure it smells like him, inviting Pat over during a weekday to sleep over so Pat can have a cuddle buddy and plenty of other good boyfriend acts.
Pat seems confused for most of it but seems to accept it easily which calms Pran’s anxiety a bit but by Saturday it’s hitting Pran all over again.
“Right you need to stop and tell me what’s going on.” Pat says, pushing Pran’s hands from his shoulders where Pran is trying to help ease off the tight muscles from playing rugby.
“What do you mean? I’m just trying to make sure my boyfriend is relaxed.” Pran says innocently, giving Pat his best pout, hoping to distract him. Pran watches Pat’s eyes flicker to his lips and he thinks he’s gotten away with it but then Pat shakes his head.
“You’ve been acting weird ever since we had the fight on Monday. What is wrong? I apologised, why are you being weird? Do you not forgive me?” Pat asks, getting the hurt puppy look on his face that finally snaps the last of Pran’s resolve.
“I do forgive you. You haven’t even really done anything wrong. It’s me, I love you and I don’t want you to continue to think I don’t.” Pran almost yells, as the words break free from his and his body sags like a puppet cut from its strings.
Pran looks up to see Pat looking at him with wide eyes, but Pran continues before he can say anything. “I know I don’t say it all the time like you, and I know I don’t show it much either. I know I’m not a great boyfriend but I love you and I’m sorry that it hurts you to love me.” Pran can feel stupid tears coming to his eyes and that seems to make Pat’s brain kick into gear as he comes around the couch and gathers Pran into his arms.
Pran sobs as Pat wraps his arms around him and shoved his face into Pat’s neck to hide. He couldn’t even make it up to Pat right, now his boyfriend was having to conform him and his anxieties, Pran thought resentfully.
“You are an amazing boyfriend Pran. Who told you that you weren’t? You are the best to me, and even if you don’t say that you love me explicitly very often, I know you do.” Pat tells him while rubbing his back but it makes Pran feel even worse.
It took a while for Pran to calm down enough to answer, he was exhausted and his face felt heavy and mushy from crying but he pulled back from Pat to see him. He didn’t get too far as Pat’s arms linked around his waist to keep him close.
“On Monday when I was shouting at you for the banner, you said ‘at least you know I love you’. It made me realise that I do know you love me, because you tell me all the time, and go out your way to help me and make me comfortable because you love me. I can feel it all the time, almost overwhelmingly.” Pran starts, his voice still choked and a few stray tears still on his cheeks.
“But I rarely tell you it back. I don’t really do romantic things for you in the way you do for me. After really looking at my behaviour and how you’ve been this week when I’ve tried to prove my love, I’ve realised I’m a horrible boyfriend.” Pran can feel himself getting choked up again. He takes a deep breath and finally looks up from where he had been staring at Pat’s collarbones to his face.
Pat has a dark look on his face and for a second Pran thinks that this is it. Pat has finally realised all the consequences of their relationship. Realised that Pran doesn’t put in as much effort despite all they are risking and that he’s about to leave him. Pran wouldn’t stop him, he deserves better than Pran.
“I’m sorry.” Pran can feel his chin tremble again at the words as he tries to hold it together. “Hey! No baby, I’m sorry for saying that to you. I didn’t know that it would do this and I didn’t really mean it.” Pran scoffs, of course he meant it, Pat is nothing if not honest.
Pran tries to step back but Pat’s arms tighten on his waist to stop him. “Let me speak Pran please.” Pran nods but he’s looking slightly off to the left of Pat’s head preparing himself for the blow.
He hears Pat sigh loudly before he speaks again. “Yes, sometimes you back away so much that it feels like you don’t love me as much as I love you. Monday was a silly idea especially when I know you don’t like public declarations, and I’m sorry it made you uncomfortable.”
“But I know you love me even when you don’t say it. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me doing something domestic like bringing you breakfast. I can feel it when I tell you about something I’ve accomplished and you tell me that you’re proud of me. I know it when we’re in public and sometimes your take my hand just for a bit despite it not being in your comfort zone because you know I love to hold your hand.” Pat rambles and Pran feels himself shaking his head. It isn’t enough compared to Pat's actions.
“Would I love you to say the words more out loud, maybe, but I also know you can’t always articulate your feelings so it would make them feel less honest and I only want honest feelings from you Pran. I love you and I know you love me, so please stop worrying that you don’t show it enough. I know.” Pat finishes, trying to catch his eyes but Pran has to close them to stop more tears.
Pat doesn’t pull him closer, he always knows when Pran needs tactile love and when he doesn’t. It makes him weak at the knees how much Pat knows him sometimes. But when he really thinks about it, he also knows Pat just as well. He hears Pat sniff wetly and Pran wraps his arms back around Pat’s neck and squeezes him in a tight hug hoping to get across his feeling now.
“I know.” Is all Pat says with a wet laugh but Pran knows he gets it, which is all he wanted. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you’re a bad boyfriend. I’m sorry your anxieties got the better of you and I didn’t notice. But if I can make one suggestion.” Pat says into his hair and Pran nods from where he’s still pressed into Pat’s neck. Anything, he’ll do anything for Pat.
“The weekday sleepovers were really nice, even with your 7am wake up calls, so if we could continue those that would make you’re boyfriend really happy.” Pran feels a laugh bubbling inside him and he nods.
All his anxieties aren’t cured. He wants to try and make sure he does show Pat he loves him but for now he knows they are on the same page. They both love each other and Pran wants to spend as long as he can basking in the glow.