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There was always a saying among my community that your spirit animal was a reflection of your soul. Of course, being told this as a young child, I believed every bit of it without question. I always wondered what form my soul would take. Because of the value of one's spirit animal, I wanted something powerful, with the ability to protect my friends and family. The age it was revealed always varied depending on the person, and what events occurred in their lives. For most, it was revealed in their teens, as people began to come into themselves and began to choose their paths in life.
As I aged, and the revelation of what my soul was revealed, doubt raised its ugly head from deep within. The very saying that was passed down from generation to generation in my city began to feel like lies. At the same time, it felt like within a single species, animals still had very diverse personalities. So how could a species of animal represent my soul? For my soul took the form of a grey wolf, with brown and grey and black fur. A mirror of my mother’s soul who had the same form. It felt as if one’s spirit animal was merely passed down within their families. It didn’t help that I never discovered my father’s spirit animal. He always wrote it off as nonsense, and any inquiry to my mother only yielded an almost sad smile.
Beyond my teens, I began to feel proud of the form my soul took. A brilliant, proud, wild animal. I could raise my head up high knowing that a grey wolf, a powerful, strong animal was the makings of my very being.
Mikasa, my adopted sister, seemed to always one up me. Her spirit animal was revealed when she was merely eleven years of age, sometime after she arrived to live with us. All I knew was that her parents had died early, and that seemed to push her revealing earlier than average. It made sense to me though, because a sleek, icy snow leopard was the basis of her soul. Although she never showed that iciness to me, from the words of other people our age, it was the first word that came to mind. How right they were.
When my school rival, Jean was revealed to be a domestic dog, it only started more fights between us. Jean would always call me a wild beast, and I would yell back about how a mere pet he was. Sadly, it would have given me more ammunition if his soul took the form of a mere Chihuahua instead of the German shepherd he was. Then again, he probably never would have boasted about his spirit animal if it was anything like the former.
Spirit animals were something of a common knowledge among the community. It was fairly rare for someone in the community to not know the form one’s soul took. It was unheard of someone to never have their soul revealed to them. Of course, there were stories of men and women who never had their souls revealed. Such miscreants were said to have dark souls that no form could embody. The tales were told mainly to get children to behave, and personally, I never knew anyone who didn’t have a form, only those that decided to keep their forms secret for whatever reason.
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One of the few people I trusted completely and who I thought also trusted me kept his spirit animal from me. I tried to not let it bother me, I really did, but in the nature of our intimate relationship, it was difficult. At the same time, I wanted to respect his wishes. That was an impossibility given my stubborn nature, and I didn’t want to alienate him, but I also wanted to help him if he had any insecurities. It was common after all if someone revealed as something particularly weak or a prey animal such as a mouse or a rabbit.
I knew one person, Marco, who somehow ended up dating that asshole Jean (I have no idea how or why, but that’s a story for a different time), who revealed as a white tailed deer. As a prey animal, it was something to be mocked at by bullies, but Marco had taken the animal with pride. I can see why, because the stag would have a head full of antlers to poke holes in anyone upon his maturity into adulthood. Not to mention, Jean was fiercely protective of Marco. A dog and a deer, weren’t dogs traditionally used to hunt deer? How ironic.
Back to my story, so the guy I was dating, Levi… He was short, rude, blunt, made inappropriate comments, and had a thing for cleanliness, but if there was anything he was private about, it was the form his soul took. I held back from asking his friends, few that they were, since Levi was the type of person who’d one, find out about it, and two, would make me sleep on the couch while giving me the cold shoulder for the better part of two weeks.
Our conversations concerning the matter usually followed a similar pattern.
“So Levi…” I’d call off the couch towards the kitchen where he’d be making dinner (he never trusted me with fire and blades for some reason). “Are you ready to tell me what your spirit animal is?”
“Pot roast okay for dinner?”
“Oh come on! I know you heard me!” I wouldn’t even try to resist holding back the pout in my voice.
“Yeah, I’ll be sure to put potatoes with it.”
An overly dramatic groan of annoyance would come from my end, and I knew if I attempted to shoot a glance towards the kitchen across our open first floor, he’d have the smallest hint of a smirk cracking his usual deadpan expression. And trust me, that was a lot coming from him.
Our conversations became a sort of long-standing inside joke between us. The nonchalance on his end by completely responding to an unspoken question while blatantly ignoring the asked one, and my over-emotional responses only added to the jest. In my defense, we’ve been dating for four years. Whatever form his spirit animal took should have been common knowledge by now.
“Can you give me at least a hint?” I asked at one point.
“If you know me, I’m sure you can guess. The spirit animal is a reflection of my soul, remember?”
Somehow, I think that response was getting snider and snider the more I remembered it.
My guesses ranged from seriously analyzing Levi’s character, usually something feline, to completely joke answers based on something silly like his height, a small animal like a mouse. I admit, my patience was wearing thin. Then again, I didn’t have an answer for why this mattered to me this much. Maybe it was because then he and I would have a shared secret. I didn’t even know if anyone else knew the form Levi’s soul had taken.
“Why do you even care about hiding it so much?” I was exasperated, tired, and insecure about the trust that was between Levi and I. How fake was it, how easily would it crack and splinter, that he couldn’t tell me?
“Why do you care about knowing so much?” was the retort, his expression stony and molded into that emotionless expression. But I could tell he was as annoyed as I was. Probably because he saw me at that point as everyone else who asked him about the form his soul took. Just another nosy busybody with nothing better to do.
“Because… don’t you trust me as I do you?” My voice cracked. Why did this mean so much to me? I didn't even have to look to know that my wolf spirit became tangible, howling its sorrow. “I mean…” I took a breath, certain that I could keep my voice even now, “If mine was a secret, I would have told you.”
“Eren…” The sigh was long, almost as if he was exhaling all his previous expectations, “You know I do. It’s just that whole spirit thing is complete bullshit. It doesn’t tell anything about who I, or who anyone is. It’s just some random form that comes up for anyone. It doesn’t, and shouldn’t, matter.”
“If it shouldn’t matter, then why do you bother hiding it?” I bit back.
His eyes narrowed, “Because if I didn’t hide it, I’d be wrapped up in the gossip of what my animal is and what that means about me.”
“Why can’t you just keep it between us?” I paused, and as a second thought added, “Or am I another one of those people who reads too much into it?”
“Eren,” Levi sounded exasperated again, “Another time. I’ll tell you when the time is right.”
It wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but I knew when to stop fighting, something a younger me could have definitely benefitted from. “Okay.”
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Time continued to move on without a care. When Levi finally asked to speak to me about the issue we’d discussed long past, I hardly remembered our exact conversation that day, only that I stopped bugging Levi on the issue. As much as I wanted to ask Levi, why now of all times? I also didn’t want to put the spotlight on him anymore than it already was. He never was one for the center of attention, although he dealt with it as needed if he had to.
We were sitting and having coffee, well Levi always had tea, but coffee was my drink of choice, with milk and sugar. And Levi was the one who changed the topic abruptly.
"Does it still mean so much to you what my spirit animal is?"
I nodded, "Of course it does." I stared down into my drink, "I think it will bring us closer."
"Even knowing I think it means nothing?"
"Even if you think it means nothing, because maybe you just haven't seen the right side of it."
I knew that no matter what form Levi's soul took, it wouldn't change anything between us. But I did hope it would lead to Levi being more open with me. I could see how restrained he was in showing his emotions at times, and I thought it was because of the worry that one's animal became tangible. It was essentially baring one's soul, and if Levi didn't want to show the rest of the world, fine. But he should have a safe haven here at home.
"The form it takes is..." His voice dropped into a mumble and all I could catch was, "...dragon."
"What? Your animal is a dragon?!" My voice grew in my shock. I've never heard of a dragon spirit animal.
"Komodo dragon," he corrected.
"What's that? Is it those mythical dragons with wings and breathes fire?"
"No," he took a sip of his tea, a scowl on his features, "It's a type of lizard."
I blinked. Oh, a lizard. That made sense.
"Wait, you aren't embarrassed about it since lizards are tiny, right?"
Levi just about groaned, clearly his annoyance growing with me. Did I hit the nail on the head?
"Let me just show you."
A sigh escaped his lips, a sense of calm easing from him. What appeared at his feet was not a common garden lizard, but a massive beast of leathery scales. When it opened its jaws, curved, dangerous teeth were all too visible. Then as soon it was there, the dragon was gone.
"That's not a lizard."
"It is a species of lizard. Largest in the world."
"Huh..." The thoughtful noise was my only immediate reply. “You know… with a spirit animal like that no one would ever think to question you.”
“That’s not the point, Eren.” Levi all but groaned at my suggestion.
“No, but hear me out!” My voice rose, but at the time, I never realized it. My excitement always took over control and I had to get the words out by any means possible. “Seriously, everyone would be so intimidated by the size of that dragon. That’s got to be a major confidence booster! There’s no reason to hide it!”
He only rolled his eyes, not even dignifying my rambling thoughts with a response. What a jerk. And of course, mature adult that I was, I did the most dignifying action I could do. I crossed my arms in a pout.
Levi didn’t help by any means. No, not when that deadpan expression cracked as a low chuckle escaped his lips. “Eren, don’t be like that.”
“Alright…” My voice trailed as my racing thoughts were being processed by my slower brain, “But only if you promise me that you can be open here in our space.”
“No way in hell if people are here,” was the rapid fire response. “But if it’s just you, promise.”