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everyday was the same changing in a place where i felt out of place.
whether it was in my head or not i felt eyes on me everywhere i went and everyday. im no different then everyone else so why?
sure i came back to school after break with shorter hair and in the male uniform, so what. it fits better. they were the ones who said i was too brutish to be a girl, they were the ones to say i would look better if i were a guy, they were the ones to say i got cursed by having such masculine features and they were the ones making fun of me when i knew they were insecure about me being better than them in every sport.
yet you were different and i dont understand why. you watched me go from this little girl who loved bothering you with bugs to this guy who played by your side. does it not disgust you?
do you not find me disgusting? who am i kidding you probably knew i didnt feel comfortable before.
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"ya know haya you cant tell me anything right?"
"hm yeah why?"
you turned to me give me your big grin which you haven't done in a while since you lost one of your last baby teeth. "just saying i'll love ya no matter what!"
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you have been the only one acting completely normal. you are the only one that hasnt said anything about me changing. i appreciate it. i appreciate you.
when they picked on me you watched knowing i hated it when you interfered because i thought it meant you believed i was weak. yet the moment we got to my place you held me as i cried, all i wanted was to be seen. it wasnt like before but i am comfortable now.
we graduated middle school and we were going somewhere, where no one knew. i was excited to have a fresh start where i didnt get those looks. i was excited for us to play together once more.
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"first years you're up first"
you went first of course "Oikawa Toru, excited to play with all of you!" you turned to look at me.
"Iwaizumi Haijme, er thanks for having me..?" you let out your chuckle oh that chuckle.
"HANAMAKI TAKAHIRO" the kid next to me yell his friend besides him keeping a straight face yet his eyes said it all.
our upper classmen laughing, you as well.
"alright alright settle down everyone. next"
"Matsukawa Issei sir"
and just like that a new chapter in our life began
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"hey oikawa where's iwaizumi? he wasnt in the locker rooms."
"hm well iwa-chan is in the bathroom"
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i stared at myself in the mirror. i felt like throwing up, geez how i hated myself. how i hated how i looked. how i hated how i felt. it wasnt fair. it not fair! why cant i just be a boy why why why why why why. i just want to be a boy. my head felt like it was clouding, my vision getting blurry. i get different looks now. not of disgust because i was different but disgust because they think i dont deserve oikawa. they are right, i dont deserve him. geez how he grew with puberty, his face more defined, giving him a more mature look than the adorable one, he lost all the baby face that the grandmas would pinch. he grew taller and lankier, yet in a attractive way. his perfect hair. geez why is he so perfect!? he's everything i've dreamed of being. and here i am a mess; a hormoal mess. i've taken testosterone for as long as i could, my moms were very supportive and so was my dad. sure i look more masculine but when im next to him i dont feel it. i couldnt stand anymore so i crouched grabbing the sink as my lungs felt like they were being crushed. i closed my eyes seeing clouds. "damnit hajime stop it. stop it stop it. stop it! STOP IT!"
all i could hear was my heavy breathing and hiccups. i let go of the sink and wiped my face yet no matter how much i wiped my face the tears kept rolling. i wanna go home. i want to disappear and be away from everyone. i feel like i'm being suffocated. please please i cant-
"hajime are you ok!?" and just like that your arms were wrapped around me just like that you comforted me.
"haijme what's wrong!?" i could hear it in your voice, you were worried. you had a tendency to of worrying more about me than yourself. but why? "hajime.." your quiet whisper "tell me what's wrong"
i sucked in a deep breath letting out shakey smaller ones. "i just- im tired toru. i'm sorry for worrying you, but um we should go" pushing myself away from you made me feel like i was suffocating again. i wiped my tears away and stood up even with my legs shaking slightly.
"haijme please tell me what's wrong. i know its more than that" you let out a quiet pleading whisper. "did someone see you? did they threaten you?! hajime what happened?" you reached out for me but i went to wet my face with cold water.
"nothing i'm fine seriously. just really tired you know." walking towards the door i turn to you "let's go practice"
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you walked by my side i knew you wanted to say something yet you didnt know how to phrase it.
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"so iwa-chan what were you gonna tell me?" was what you first asked me after we lost to karasuno.
"i'm not playing after high school" i could see your shadow stop moving yet i didnt stop moving
"what- why!?!" you know why
"'cuz plus i'll be better off on the sidelines helping idiots like you not get hurt" that was another reason why
you didnt reply; by the look on your face you were trying to word something without making it seem offensive
"is it becuase you think you being trans with hold you back" and i was right.
letting out a sigh i look at you "a part of it yea. you know how it is for trans athletes. high school is one thing but the big leagues are something else..."
"but-"
"you've seen the discrimination against people who have wanted to go pro yet are trans. you better than anyone have seen how cruel this world can be to people like me"
"yeah but you're good!"
"not good enough to go pro. plus i think i'll be better on the sidelines. that why i can help train a team worthy of beating you. " giving you a small smile "when we meet again i'll be sure to have a team good enough for you. "
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"as you may all know i am Oikawa Toru Argentina's setter. Today at Tokyo's 2021 Olymics; I will be asking the love of my life to marry me. " you turned and faced me- wait what was happening?
"Iwaizumi Hajime, mi amor you've been with me through everything. We know everything about each other. So I'm here today asking you the athletic trainer of Japan's National Volleyball team to, make me the happiest man alive by saying yes and becoming my husband" oh that smile. of course this is how you do it. you've always been on for grand gestures.
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"Hajime, amor your dont have to do it. We could always look for a surrogate. You know better than anyone that it could be dangerous." here you go again
"toru we arent talking about this anymore alright. I'm going to go through with this; I want this. I want to have kids with you,"
"I get that amor but there are many ways to do that. you know how badly your body dysmorphia got, you did everything in your power to get rid of that part of your life"
"it's alright plus if anything it'll be like im a seahorse, the male seahorse is the one to carry the babies so"
you let out a tired sigh knowing you wouldnt win this one "i can't convince you otherwise huh. alright alright," you walked towards me placing your hands on my cheeks "fine fine we can do it your way. "
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Toru Oikawa the love of my life. the man who helped me over come every ounce of hate in my body that i had towards myself. the one person beside our families to be supportive and be by my side. you have made me the happiest for years. and now we sit here under the clouds watching our three kids play beach volleyball against their partners. our baby tomo. tomo who looks like a perfect mixture of us. our soon to be 16 tomo, it feels like if just yesterday she was crying everytime you held her. our little liberó; not only does she excel in being a libero but shes amazing at everything she does just like you. our tomo who was afraid of coming out as non-binary and pansexual; more afraid of telling you she was dating Wakatoshi's kid. our haru; your reflection, he looks just like you with your brown hair and eyes. the second oldest by 2 minutes haru. haru who decided sports werent for him: our amazing little man who decided he was more for acting and anything arts. our soon to be a full grown adult. who came out to us as asexual and bisexual. our boy who is madly in love with Chinna, issei and takahiro's oldest adoptive daughter. our boy who will soon leave to make his own home away from us. then theres hiro, our first born (by two minutes) hiro. hiro who has your doe eyes just in green and brown hair. our boy who came out to us as gay. our boy who loves playing sports and exploring. our boy who is dating the son of baldy and manger chick of karasuno. our son who will leave us sooner than his siblings; our son who is leaving to France in a week.
our small happy family. smiling and laughing together. thank you for helping me realize that even if i wasnt born a man i still am one