Chapter Text
With a gasp, her eyes snapped open.
It took Shenlin some time to realize she was looking at the ceiling of her room. Her breaths were harsh, ragged and loud, piercing the silence. Gradually, she calmed herself, and took stock of the situation. She’d had a nightmare. That was what it had been. They didn’t happen all that often anymore, but it was still too often for her liking.
When other people described their nightmares to Shenlin, they spoke of terrifying visions, of their most dreadful memories replaying in their mind. Shenlin’s were different… though they, too, were a dreadful memory in a sense.
Her nightmares were a void. In them, she was alone, in an empty world. When she tried to remember someone she loved, comfort herself with the memory of their presence... those people slipped away from her, one by one, until she had nothing. There was never any danger. There was never anything that made her heart race. But it was the most horrible thing she could possibly have imagined.
Shenlin would have rather dreamed of every battle she’d ever fought, repeated endlessly.
She would rather have dreamed of indescribable terrors.
She would rather have dreamed of anything, anything at all, that wasn’t loneliness distilled to its very essence.
How nice it would be if it were her choice to make.
“Shenlin?” said a drowsy voice from next to her. She didn’t need to turn her head to know that it was Yujia. “I heard something… are you okay?”
Shenlin continued to gaze up at the ceiling. As irrational as it was, she found herself afraid that if she turned to look at Yujia, or reached out to touch her, Yujia wouldn’t be there any longer. “I seem to be having a little trouble sleeping, Yujia-san,” she replied. “I’m sorry I disturbed you.”
“That’s all right…” It was Yujia who reached out to her. The girl’s hand touched her cheek for a moment, fingers gently stroking her skin before they fell away. “Can I help somehow, Shenlin?”
“I think it’s best that I just try again,” Shenlin said.
“Me too…” Yujia murmured, sounding as if she was already dozing off once more. “We have a patrol tomorrow, don’t we… Good night, Shenlin…”
Shenlin felt her face twist, quite unbidden, into the smile she usually wore during the waking hours. It was a persistent habit, even at the most unnecessary of times. "I'll be with you soon, Yujia-san," she said. In your dream. Where you promised me we would always be together, even if the world tears us apart.
It was a white lie. She continued to stare upward, thinking.
Why am I not happy? It’s not the nightmares. There’s something wrong. Something missing. Something that I’m forgetting to do.
The answer stole over her like the night itself.
Being together with Yujia wasn't enough.
The kind, beautiful girl next to her, her gentle breathing settling back into the rhythm of sleep. Her soulmate.
She wasn't enough.
Not because Shenlin was unsatisfied with what Yujia could give to her.
There were so many other people out there. So many other Lilies, fighting to take back the future.
Some of them in pain.
Some of them who had endured the pain so long, it had worn them down into shells. Shells of the kind, beautiful girls they had once been.
And some of them who had yet to dream at all.
Shenlin gazed at the ceiling, surrounded by peace.
This can't go on, she thought.