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Nico didn’t even remember how the topic first was brought up. Maybe it was Will making a passing comment or himself scoffing at something on the radio. All that really mattered then was how they were screaming at each other.
“I don’t understand how you could just assume that I knew that!” Will yelled, his posture tense as he glared at Nico.
They couldn’t have been more than a foot or two apart but it felt like continents were spanning between them. Worlds, galaxies, entire universes where the only thing able to travel from one end to the other was the anger radiating off of both of them. “Because I have never talked about wanting to be married!” Nico shouted back, his arms crossed against his chest.
He was sure it looked defensive and aggressive but part of him prayed Will could see the way his fingers were white with the force he was gripping his arms with, how his knees trembled. “But you’ve known this is something that I wanted. I thought you did too!”
“No, Will, I didn’t know!” Nico snapped. “You’ve never said ‘Hey, I want to get married.’ Not once .”
“Don’t make this about me not being clear! You have always talked about how much it meant to you that your parents were married!”
“Yeah, my dead mom and my father who cheated on her while she was sick and dying,” Nico scoffed. “That really endeared me to the concept of marriage.”
Will frowned deeply and ran a hand through his hair. Part of Nico wanted to close the distance between them and cling to him. To press his face into Will’s neck and hold his hands until everything was okay. But the anger on Will’s face and the way he was looking at him with such frustration. His gaze felt like needles dragging down his skin. It was so different from the soft adoration that Nico had become used to, and it hurt.
“Look, Nico, I just— I don’t understand. Why don’t you want to get married?”
Frustration bubbled in Nico’s chest. Not at Will but at his own inability to explain all the reasons why marriage felt like the opposite of him and Will. Will was kind and loving and warm and marriage felt like nothing more than a cold transaction. Icy chains locking two people together, love be damned.
“I just—“ Nico’s voice cracked. “I can’t do it.”
That wasn’t enough. He knew that wasn’t enough but it was all he could manage. Will’s brow furrowed and he sighed deeply. “That’s not—“ his voice cracked and Nico felt it in his own chest. “I don’t know what to do, Nico. How to fix this.”
“Why—“ Nico said, pausing to take a breath. “Why do you want to get married?”
“Because I love you.”
“Marriage isn’t love, Will.”
“It is to me!”
Nico was frozen in place, staring at the ground and trying not to crumble. “So if we don’t get married, you won’t love me? Do you— do you want to break up?”
“No,” Will said firmly. “God, Nico, no, I don’t. That’s the whole point! I love you and I want to marry you!”
“Well, I love you ,” Nico said back, and god, he sounded ridiculous. “But I can’t— marriage isn’t— I can’t do it, Will.”
“But why ? You keep saying that but you won’t tell me why!”
“It feels like a trap,” Nico said. “Like I’d be stuck.”
Will recoiled and the sight of it brought Nico closer to tears then he’s been this entire time. “I’m not trapping you, Nico,” Will’s voice was cold but it still burned Nico. “I’m not some prison for you.”
“That’s not—“ he gripped at his hair and shook his head. “God, Will! That’s not what I meant!”
Will took another step back, his face set. “If I’m so confining ,” Will hissed, “Then I’ll give you a chance at freedom.”
The blond turned on his heel and briskly walked out of the room. Nico stood frozen, unsure of what to do or even what was happening. He was staring at the spot where Will had been standing when he heard their front door open and then slam shut. The sound was like a punch to the gut and suddenly he was scrambling after Will, not even putting on shoes let alone a jacket as he ran outside. It was snowing and dark, leaving everything hazy, but Nico could see Will stalking away.
“Will!” he yelled, trying to get his attention.
Will didn’t look back but his shoulders stiffened. “Will, please,” Nico begged. “Come back.”
He finally stopped walking but he didn’t turn around. “I thought this was what you wanted.”
Annoyance flooded Nico for a moment before he took a breath, pushing it down. “Why would I want this?” he asked. “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t ever want you to leave.”
“But you don’t want me to stay.”
“Yes, I do.”
“You said you didn’t want to be trapped by me.”
“I didn’t say you were the trap! I said—“ Nico huffed, his teeth clattering together, “Please, Will, just come back. Come inside.”
The blond finally turned around and at the sight of Nico’s bare arms and feet he frowned deeply and rushed forward. “Nico, why aren’t you wearing a jacket? Or shoes?”
“I- I couldn’t let you leave,” Nico whispered.
Will’s face stayed set but he shrugged off his own coat and handed it to Nico. “Put it on.”
Nico took it hesitantly, slipping it on and pressing his nose into the collar. Will stood in front of him, turned around, and squatted down. “Now get on.”
Nico blinked. “What?”
“Get on my back,” Will said. “You’re not wearing shoes.”
“It’s fifteen steps back into the house.”
“And it’s snowing and I can already see your toes turning blue, so get on so we can go inside.”
Nico clenched his jaw, still wanting to protest, but he climbed on, wrapping his arms around Will’s neck. He had to stop himself from inhaling the smell of his shampoo or pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. Will stood up, holding Nico’s legs around his waist, and started back inside.
All the times Will had carried Nico before were filled with soft laughter and whispers and gentle kisses. This was silent and Nico clung to Will like he was terrified he would leave again. He was terrified.
When they made it inside, Will set Nico down gently and asked if he was okay. Nico nodded slowly and Will turned away, shuffling off. The sight made Nico’s heart drop in his chest.
He shrugged off Will’s jacket after a moment, hanging it up on the coat rack, and then pressed a hand over his mouth, muffling the sob that was bubbling out. He blinked rapidly, desperate to force the tears away but one slipped down his cheek anyway and it made him furious. He was angry at Will and at himself for not being able to just explain what he means and for being so screwed up in the first place. ‘No wonder he runs away from you,’ Nico thought traitorously. ‘You’re a mess. A burden.’
After a minute, when he had calmed down slightly, he followed after Will. He found him in the living room, putting a pillow and a blanket on the couch.
He stood in the doorway, his eyes wide as he watched Will toss throw pillows onto the floor and tuck a sheet into the cushions. “What’re you doing?” he asked quietly.
Will barely glanced at him. “I’m sleeping on the couch.”
Nico’s knees wobbled and his lungs tightened as he felt himself fall apart. He couldn’t speak. Couldn’t let himself speak. Instead, he nodded and made a beeline for their bedroom, shutting the door and pressing his back flat against it.
He slid down, his knees pressed to his chest and his hands tangled in his hair. It felt like his chest was collapsing, like the whole world was.
He pressed his face into his knees and gasped shakily, crying and wishing Will was there to make him feel better. And Will was there but he was also farther from Nico than he’d been in years. They didn’t fight like that, all that screaming and Will leaving .
Will left. Nico knew logically that he’d needed space and that it was a spur of the moment, rash decision but hearing the door slam shut had felt like a knife between his ribs.
The desperation that had bubbled within him immediately was debilitating, chasing after Will like his life depended on it, because it did. Nico had never been so afraid in his life.
And now he was alone, in their room, and Will was just on the other side of the door, and Nico felt like he was dying.
He pressed his lips together, desperate to hide his sobs. Nico was still shivering from the cold outside and his feet were kind of numb.
Still, he stood up anyway, nearly falling, and shuffled toward the bed, their bed. He collapsed onto it, curling up and burying his face in the pillow. Earlier it had felt like there were universes between him and Will but now there was a door and that was worse.
The pillowcases smelled like Will but they were cold. The whole room was. Nico was freezing even as he tucked himself beneath the comforter. It was like the snow from outside was still clinging to him, like it had made its way to his bones and was freezing his very core. The cold ached. The loneliness made it worse.
He clutched at the pillow, heaving and desperately trying to be silent as he cried. He couldn’t decide if he was angrier at Will or at himself, but the anger was fading fast. None of it seemed worth it anymore. What was worth making him feel like that? Like he was being ripped apart?
Nico wasn’t sure how long he laid there. It felt like ages and his eyes burned from the unrelenting tears. He flipped over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. There were glow in the dark stars on it, which Will had insisted upon. Nico had rolled his eyes and teased him but of course he let Will do it because his boyfriend had asked with such genuine excitement and Nico had never been good at saying no to Will.
Now, the sight of them made him gasp in pain. Will was all over their room, his smell, his stars, even the pile of laundry in the corner, but he wasn’t there and Nico couldn’t stand it anymore.
He stood from the bed on shaky legs, furiously wiping at his face, and walked softly to the door. For a moment, he hesitated as he reached for the handle, terrified that they would just end up screaming at each other again, but he decided they wouldn’t. He wouldn’t let that happen.
Nico took a shaky breath and pulled the door open, padding out into the living room. Will was lying on his back on the couch and from what Nico could tell, he was asleep.
He stopped in front of him, afraid to touch him, and called out his name. “Will?”
Will didn’t budge and Nico’s shoulders slumped. Before he could talk himself out of it, he climbed on top of Will, draping himself over his boyfriend and clinging to his shirt.
The blond still didn’t move, but Nico could feel the way he held his breath, and all of a sudden Nico was crying again.
He was wracked with silent sobs and he was certain Will could feel the damp spot of tears on his shirt. Will wrapped his arms around Nico in an instant, one hand gently resting in the back of his head and the other rubbing soothing circles into the small of his back.
“It’s okay,” Will whispered.
“It’s not okay,” Nico said, his voice cracking, “It’s not okay because you thought that I’m not stupidly in love with you and that I didn’t want to be with you forever. Oh god, Will, I’m sorry .”
Will was silent for a moment but then he pressed his lips to the top of Nico’s head and held him tighter. “I love you,” he said, “And I’m sorry that I yelled. I don’t… I don’t know how to fix this. But I don’t want to fight anymore.”
Another sob bubbled out of Nico and Will cooed softly. “I want to marry you,” Nico said. “I love you and I don’t ever want to think about life without you. But marriage scares me. I’m so afraid of becoming my father, Will. I don’t want to hurt you like he hurt my mother.”
“You’re not your father, Nico,” Will told him.
Nico tried to protest but Will cut him off. “You’re not. And the very fact that you’re afraid of hurting me proves you’re not. I know that I can’t love you enough to undo everything that’s happened to you. But I’ll love you still and I want to help you.”
“I think,” Nico sniffed. “I think I need to talk to someone. A therapist, maybe. Hazel. Someone.”
“I think that’s a good idea. I think it will make you feel better to have someone to help carry this. And I know that I may not always be the person you want to talk to, but I’ll always listen.”
Nico nodded and turned his head, his nose brushing against Will’s collar bone. Will pressed another kiss to the top of his head and they fell into silence again.
After a minute or two, when Nico’s tears had dried, he gripped Will’s shirt again. “You can’t—“ his voice cracked. “You can’t leave like that. I know that you needed space and that’s okay but you can’t just leave .”
Will winced and Nico could feel him nod. “I know. I know, baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Nico bit his tongue before he said ‘It’s okay’ because it wasn’t okay. “I forgive you.”
And of course he forgave him. He’d forgiven Will the minute he’d heard the door shut. The only thing that had mattered since that point was fixing this, fixing them.
“I love you,” Will whispered again, “I love you so much, Nico.”
“I don’t like when you sleep on the couch,” Nico told him.
“Neither do I.”
“I can’t sleep when you’re not there. The bed is too cold.”
Nico could feel Will’s breath lilt, probably as he bit back something about Nico running outside without shoes or a jacket. “Are you warm now?”
Nico nodded, settling deeper into Will’s chest, “You’re warm,” he mumbled.
Will ran a hand through Nico’s hair and slipped a hand beneath his shirt, splaying his warm hand against the cool skin of Nico’s back. The raven sighed and pressed kiss to Will’s collar bone. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Will said, “Do you want to go to bed?”
“I want you to stay,” Nico’s voice was already softer and he was certain Will could hear the sleep in it. “I want you to stay with me.”
“Always,” Will promised. “Goodnight, baby,”
“‘Night,” Nico breathed.
Nico’s lungs still ached from crying but Will’s arms were wrapped around him and he was whispering softly into Nico’s ear. Marriage still scared him. Terrified him, really. But when Will held him like that, he could feel that fear softening.
‘Maybe someday,’ he thought, ‘We have forever anyway.’