Archive of Our Own ^beta

Charlotte can’t point to where it started.

Was it that first meeting in the Black Lantern, the day Gabe died? Finding the mythical lost sister, alone and shrinking into herself in an unfamiliar bar with bruises on her knuckles, awkwardly trying to make small talk with her brother’s girlfriend? She hadn’t seemed like much, then; Charlotte only found out later that it had been Alex who leapt in to defend her brother from the local asshole-about-town. In that moment, Alex had been unsure of herself, wilting, not at all the wild child with rock-n-roll ambition Gabe told her about.

Was it after Gabe’s first wake, when Alex gave her the strength to say ‘no’ to the global corporation trying to bribe her into silence? It surprised Charlotte at the time, of course — the girl she saw then wasn’t the same one from the bar, or the same one who hid herself away in Gabe’s apartment after his death, who stood quietly by at the wake while others erupted in angry arguments. But perhaps it was the girl — the woman — who had crawled out onto a flimsy log stretched across a ravine and saved Charlotte’s son from certain death. That woman spoke again to send her brother off, and perhaps it was on that bridge, watching a paper lantern drift into the mountains, that it started.

Maybe it was watching her with Ethan, really. At the little LARP she decided to be his companion for, wandering all over town in a silly hat and a guitar strung over her shoulder, able to lift him out of the horrors of that month for just an afternoon…until the sirens sounded, and everything came rushing back to all three of them.

And then, in the studio…

In that moment, Charlotte hated her. The way she ripped out her innermost thoughts and said them aloud. That was never something Gabe had mentioned, that his sister had this tendency to know exactly what you needed to hear, to see to the hearts of people in a way that left you feeling so exposed and vulnerable. But there, in the back of the Silver Dragon, as Charlotte slammed her hammer into the chisel and stewed in the hatred for everyone that bubbled up in the wake of Typhon’s klaxons, Charlotte hated it. Hated her for speaking those thoughts aloud, that should’ve stayed buried alongside Gabe, and so she pushed Alex away. And after that, all she did was hate herself, because she’d chosen to make herself alone.

And then Alex found her again anyway.

Maybe that was it.

The warmth of Alex’s arm around Charlotte’s shoulders as they stared out over the lake. Alex’s promise that they still had time. That Gabe’s death wasn’t the end of everything good in Charlotte’s life, that it didn’t have to mean they were doomed to have that gulf between them forever. That despite everything, despite Charlotte baring the worst parts of herself to Alex to deliberately scare her away…Alex wasn’t going to leave.

Or was it the council meeting where everything changed? Was it watching Alex, bruised and bleeding, walking into the midst of the most important people in town and tearing down the folk hero with such certainty and fire that it made Charlotte brave, too? Even after Ryan refused to believe her, after people spoke out against her and called her delusional, she looked straight into Jed’s eyes and told him what she saw, and broke him right then and there.

It certainly didn’t come out of nowhere, when Alex’s strength finally left her and she collapsed onto the bar. That burning in Charlotte’s chest, to protect her and keep her safe and keep her near, couldn’t have flared to life just then. It had to have been built from something. Charlotte isn’t a woman easily swayed by pity; it’s what gave her the strength to leave Liam in the first place, and what causes that aching anger at her own son despite knowing he’s just a kid and not truly to blame.

But in that moment, she rushed to Alex’s side, and together with Steph took her out to Charlotte’s car while everyone else tried to figure out what to do with Jed. It was a half-hour drive to the nearest hospital, and neither of them were family. But they had to do it. Charlotte owed her that much. Right?

Maybe that’s all it is. She owes Alex, owes the little sister of her dead boyfriend, the woman who never stopped searching for justice, who saved Charlotte’s son’s life and damn near killed herself trying to find the buried secrets of Haven Springs. It would certainly be easiest if it was just…transactional. She can’t need Alex, or anyone else. It’s obvious she can’t do that, not again, not a third time.

“What do you think we should do?”

Charlotte starts, jolting upright in the waiting room chair, the world coming into focus around her. The same white walls she’s been surrounded by for hours. The drone of announcements over the PA. Steph lays a hand on her shoulder, and Charlotte turns away from the blank black of her phone screen to see her, her eyes rubbed raw and red. “What do you mean?” Charlotte asks, trying to come back to reality. But reality barely feels real.

“I mean…she’s been in there for hours. It’s almost closing time for visitors, and…she doesn’t have any family.” Steph's knee jiggles up and down on her chair. “I’m just kinda at a loss here. She hasn’t texted me or anything. Do you think she’s in surgery?”

“I…have no idea,” Charlotte admits. “God. She doesn’t even have insurance, does she?”

“I doubt it. Shit, she doesn’t even have a Colorado ID.” Steph leans back and sighs. “Fuck. We should’ve just grabbed her the second she walked in. She fell down a mineshaft, right? She could have all kinds of internal bleeding and shit.”

“You think she might die,” Charlotte says, realizing it as the words leave her mouth.

Steph opens her mouth, shuts it, and looks away. “We should’ve organized a search party earlier. We should’ve—”

“She’s not going to die.”

“How do you know?” Steph asks, her eyes wide and pleading as she turns back to Charlotte.

“She can’t.”

“Char, what?”

Charlotte’s cheeks heat up, and she averts her eyes. “I don’t know. She just can’t.”

“I’m sure as hell not up for losing another Chen,” Steph says, “But it’s not up to us, you know? Fucking Jed. If she doesn’t make it out of here, he better hope he never gets out of jail or I’m killing him.”

Charlotte says, nothing, hunching back over, spinning her phone in her hands. This is too much. The waiting. Everyone knew Gabe was dead the moment Alex, Ryan and Ethan made it back to town. What if she leaves, and that’s when Alex…

“We should stay. At least until we get some news,” Charlotte states.

“Okay. Okay, yeah. I’m sure she’ll text me when she’s…up. And ready. Or whatever. No one cares if or when I open the store, anyway,” Steph says with a guilty laugh. “...thanks, by the way. For the ride. You really came through for her.”

“I owed her.”

It’s as simple as that.

Charlotte repeats that reason in the morning, when they’re allowed into Alex’s room and she insists on thanking Charlotte for the ride, just like Steph did. Steph holds her hand and asks after every detail of her treatment; the surgery to stitch up the internal bleeding caused by her fractured ribs, the x-rays of her cracked and ravaged body, the heavy-duty painkillers she’s been prescribed once the doctors are sure she can head back home.

Charlotte feels unwelcome in that room. Unwelcome, when Steph so clearly loves Alex, and Charlotte only owes her. Charlotte hovers near the door, unconsciously, until suddenly Alex looks right past Steph and into her eyes.

“Hey,” she croaks, her voice hoarse. “You’ve been a really good friend to me.”

How does she do that?

“I — no, I haven’t,” Charlotte insists. “Everything, with Gabe, I’ve just been a wreck for the last month and I haven’t been a good friend to anyone—”

“You talked me through my first ever weed overdose,” Alex interrupts with a goofy smile, and Steph laughs aloud.

“You can’t overdose on weed,” Steph teases. “All you did was awkwardly hit on her and drool on the couch for a while.”

“You were gonna be fine,” Charlotte agrees, though she relaxes at the memory of Alex’s panicked texts, and the sudden I think you are so beautiful that appeared in their midst. “You hardly needed me there.”

“Yeah, but I appreciated it.” Alex clears her throat. “And I was not hitting on her. I was giving her a genuine compliment!”

“Suuuure,” Steph says with a roll of her eyes. “Char, did you feel hit upon? Were you being seduced?”

“I was not being seduced. I did not feel wooed,” Charlotte says, rolling her eyes despite the smile perking at her lips.

“That’s ‘cuz you’re so tragically, tragically straight,” Steph laments. “Speaking of failures to launch, you hear from Ryan yet?”

“Not one text,” Alex murmurs, looking away.

“I can’t believe he was on Jed’s side in there. I thought he was our friend,” Steph says bitterly.

“...yeah.” Alex hangs her head.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to just totally kill the mood,” Steph says, wincing. “You think you’ll be released today?”

“I think they wanna keep me for another few days or so. If I get up and walk around and don’t re-open anything, I should be good to go home then,” Alex explains.

“You want us to stick around? Bring you anything?”

Alex pauses, then lifts her hand briefly, looking pained — and then, she meets Charlotte’s eyes again. “You guys can head on home. Really, I’ll be okay, and I might want some time alone to try and call Ryan,” Alex says. Charlotte’s shoulders release tension she didn’t know she had. “If I need anything, I’ll text you guys. Since Steph still hasn’t renewed her license, I gotta keep Char in the loop, right?”

Charlotte chuckles. “All right.”

“If you need anything,” Steph insists, gripping Alex’s hand tight. “You call me. I’ll fuckin’ Uber down here, I don’t give a shit.”

“I get it, Steph, you’re ride-or-die, I know.” Alex gives her a tired smile. “I’ll text you all my boring updates. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Charlotte’s grateful to leave. It’s shitty, but it’s how she feels, and Alex was obviously trying to give her a break. It’s all been too much. Even when Alex is laid up in the hospital, she’s still looking out for other people.

She opens the Dragon for a few hours. Works a bit through her commission backlog after closing. Though the news is going insane, Haven is still slow and inactive as ever. Everything important is being handled by people in offices and courts far away from Haven proper. It’s strange, how normal the day is, except that Charlotte doesn’t visit Gabe in the Lantern, and Ethan’s still at Liam’s, and there’s no banter in the group chat, and in the background, everything is fucked.

She wants to drink.

She keeps painting.

Until her phone starts ringing on the counter, and she has to set down her tools and rush out to the store to grab it. Alex. She answers without thinking.

“Alex? Are you all right?” Charlotte asks right away.

“Um, yeah. I’m…sorry, this is super dumb.”

“It’s…it’s okay, Alex. I’m sort of surprised you didn’t call Steph, though?”

“I just need a favor, and I didn’t wanna bother her — and you have the car.”

“What do you need?”

“Um…I kind of want Shu-Shu.”

Charlotte smiles to herself. She’s been at Alex’s apartment enough to know exactly which little stuffed mouse she means.

Alex sounds strained. “I just…she’s been with me for so long, and Ryan won’t even pick up, and—”

“I’ll be down, Alex. Just sit tight. Okay?”

Alex breathes out. “Okay. Thanks. Um, visiting hours end at nine, so…”

“I’ll be as fast as I can. I’ve gotta figure out how to get into your apartment.”

“Fuck. I didn’t think about that.”

“I’ll work something out.”

“If you can’t, no problem. Sorry, I should’ve thought of it before, but these meds—”

“Don’t worry about that, Alex. Just relax. Focus on getting better, okay?”

Alex sighs. “Yeah. Thanks, still.”

“No problem. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”

They say their goodbyes, and as Charlotte hangs up, she considers — what will she do to get into the Lantern? Nobody’s seen Ryan or Jed around for days, and Alex probably had her keys on her when she went to the hospital.

Charlotte sighs. Well, she should see if she can just knock on the front door. First thing’s first, right?

She heads out of the Dragon and down towards the Black Lantern — and spots Ryan coming out of it. Whatever issues he and Alex are having, that’s a blessing she didn’t expect. As he brings his keys out of his pocket, facing the door, Charlotte taps on his shoulder.

He jumps, a hand on his chest as he turns around. “Jesus,” he mutters. “Thought you were another reporter.”

“Can I get into Alex’s apartment?” Charlotte asks. “She needs something in the hospital.”

Ryan pales. “Um…um, yeah, sure. I was just cleaning up, turning off lights, stuff like that. I dunno how long it’s gonna be shut down, so…”

“I’ll be in and out,” Charlotte promises.

“Yeah, of course.” Ryan swallows, opening the door and letting Charlotte in, then rushing ahead of her up the stairs to Alex’s door. He unlocks it, but doesn’t follow her in. The air between them feels like it’s full of static electricity, but far be it from Charlotte to get entangled in Alex’s romantic tire-fire. Shu-Shu is standing upright on the bed, and Charlotte snatches her up right away. But something catches her eye — a piece of paper, folded in thirds on Alex’s desk.

Charlotte walks up to it, plushie in hand, and reads the handwriting scrawled on the outside. Alex — from Ryan. Oh boy. She’s not touching that.

As she leaves the apartment and Ryan locks it behind her, he spots Shu-Shu in her hand. “Shit,” he hisses, “I — I can bring that to her. I should. Let me.”

“Ryan,” Charlotte sighs, “Why can’t you just talk to her? On the phone, first? She’s been trying to reach you.”

“I — I know, but when I think about talking to her like that, I…” Ryan looks at his shoes. “I really screwed up. Maybe, if I have a reason to see her—”

“She doesn’t want you to surprise her, Ryan,” Charlotte sighs. “She wants you to own up to it. And I can’t trust that if I give this to you, you won’t just turn around halfway to the hospital.”

Ryan winces. “I…yeah. Guess I just showed my ass in front of everyone, didn’t I? Who’d ever trust me again?”

“She might. If you show her you’re trustworthy. By picking up the phone.” Charlotte sees him closing his eyes, probably trying to keep the tears in, and sighs. She’s tired of being harsh to people. “Ryan,” she adds, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You’re a good guy. But I’m telling you right now, if you try and get around this, if you don’t confront it right now — you’re gonna lose her.”

“I guess I should probably take advice from the divorcee, right?” Ryan says with a sad chuckle, wiping at his eyes. “I’ll…try. I’ve been trying. I just don’t know how to do this.”

“Well, figure it out. Or don’t. But grand gestures won’t save you. It was never Gabe’s flowers that mattered, okay?” Charlotte says with a smile.

“He was sure they were the key to your heart,” Ryan says, his voice strained.

“It was that he always apologized, and spent all that effort to show me he cared. Don’t try and sneak it in, all right?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Char. For taking care of her.”

“I owe her.”

Ryan looks her up and down, looking slightly confused, then: “Oh. I guess you do.”

“I’ve gotta get this to her,” Charlotte says, holding up Shu-Shu. “Visiting hours end soon.”

“Right. I’ll, um, keep closing up.”

Charlotte leaves him there on the landing, shaking her head, a tightness in her chest at mentioning the ghost in the room. She knows Ryan. She feels like he can do better than this.

But Charlotte’s got a job to do.

When she enters Alex’s hospital room, Alex’s face lights up. “Shu-Shu!” she cries, opening her arms and then recoiling. “Fuck. Ow.”

Charlotte laughs softly, pulling up a chair beside the bed and dropping the mouse into her lap. Alex hugs her immediately. “They just up your dose?” Charlotte asks with a smirk.

“Nah, just refreshed me about a half-hour ago. Sorry, again,” Alex mumbles, holding tight to her plush and avoiding Charlotte’s eyes. “I know it’s stupid, I just thought about trying to sleep through the night without her, and…”

“It’s totally fine. When Ethan’s with his dad over the summer, I always end up ferrying at least one toy he forgot down to Boulder,” Charlotte assures her. “This is way closer.”

“Ugh, I’m being compared to a ten-year-old,” Alex laments.

“It’s the least I can do for you. Have you heard from Ryan at all?” Charlotte adds, before anyone can question why she’s doing this yet again.

“No,” Alex grunts, picking at Shu-Shu’s remaining ear. “I’m starting to get out of sad and into mad.”

“I know what that’s like. I tried to give him some advice when he let me into your place… I guess he didn’t take it.”

“You’re momming me right now. You’re such a good mom,” Alex murmurs, lying back further and holding Shu-Shu to her chest.

Charlotte swallows. “...I think you know I’m not.”

“And I think you know I disagree, so shut up and listen to the girl with shattered bones.”

Charlotte sighs. “All right, all right. Do you need anything else?”

“I…no. Thanks so much. I know this is a long way out.”

“It kept me busy,” Charlotte says, smiling at her. “I’m going crazy back at home without Ethan around. With everyone still trying to figure out what to do with that bombshell you dropped, I’m sort of at a loss.”

“He’s not back yet?”

“Technically, he could start his summer with his dad right now. I called and told them what happened, and he wants to come back once you’re on your feet again,” Charlotte explains. “He misses you a lot.” Just like a Chen to get into Ethan’s heart without even trying, Charlotte thinks to herself.

“Aw. I miss him too. I miss everyone.” Alex nestles herself further into bed. “Thanks again. I’m gonna try and get more sleep.”

Alex looks so small and vulnerable, holding that plush to her chest, bandages on her forehead, hair a rapidly-knotting mess across her scalp. As Charlotte stands to leave, she has the urge to touch her, as if to make sure she won’t just vanish someday like Gabe did. Charlotte couldn’t take that.

She shakes her head. Don’t be weird. “Rest up,” Charlotte says instead. “Call me or Steph if you need anything else, okay?”

“Yeah. Anytime. And, Char?”

“What?” Charlotte asks, turning around as she starts to head out the door.

“You’re not awkward. You’re sweet,” Alex says firmly, peeking over Shu-Shu’s head.

Charlotte shivers. “You have to tell me how you do that,” she demands, putting a hand on her hip.

“Maybe some day,” Alex mumbles, so low that Charlotte almost doesn’t catch it. “But thanks for everything you’ve done for me. Steph’s great, we’ve been chatting all day, but…”

“She doesn’t have a car?” Charlotte suggests.

“Exactly.”

Charlotte laughs and heads out. But Alex’s gratitude persists.

Alex returns to Haven almost a week later, her and her crutches stretched across the backseat of Charlotte’s car while Steph chatters away with her from the front. Charlotte finds herself grateful that she’s not alone with Alex, that she doesn’t have to make the effort this time, that she can focus on driving and not keep thinking about how every time Alex laughs, she sounds like Gabe. Even if Alex is starting to beg Steph to stop making her laugh with her ribs all busted up.

Alex isn’t exactly a speed demon on her crutches, so getting her down Main Street and into the Lantern takes a while, Charlotte feeling distinctly like a third wheel the whole time. She excuses herself and lets Steph take Alex up to the apartment, feeling odd and untethered even though staying would be just as awkward as going.

She passes by Ryan on the way to the Dragon, talking with Pike outside the record store. It feels strange to see him and feel…uncomfortable. There was a time, not long ago, that Charlotte felt at home here. That she was building a life here, with Gabe and Ryan and Steph, a little gang that softened the blow of leaving her hometown after the divorce. And Jed, acting like the father Charlotte needed when she was younger, taking care of the people around him even when they were total fuckups with no marketable skills and no education because they had to get pregnant at seventeen. When Gabe had finally found Alex, convinced her to come out here and start her life, Charlotte had imagined that Alex would slot right in, and everything would be perfect.

Now they’re all broken apart. Gabe’s dead. Jed’s in jail. Ryan’s sinking into his guilt. And Charlotte already knew Steph was eyeing the exits of this town, itching to play music again. Steph might delay things to take care of Alex while she heals, but soon Steph will be gone too.

Where does that leave Charlotte? Or Alex? Is Charlotte’s life doomed to be repeats of the past week, working alone late into the night to make ends meet while trying to afford a lawsuit against Typhon, in hopes of getting blood money? And what’s Alex really going to do with her life, after all of this? Stick around this dead-end town?

As she opens the Dragon and sets the place up for business, Charlotte wonders if that’s her own plan, too. Just raise Ethan in a place where blasting sirens can sound at any moment and send him into hysterics for the death he (and Charlotte, in her worst moments) blames himself for? But what’s the other option? Uproot her whole life, again?

There are no easy answers waiting to be dropped on her doorstep.

But she does tell Ethan that his friend is back in town. That much, she can do.

Charlotte meets Liam near the bus station, flagging his car down as it arrives. He parks, but Ethan jumps out of the car first, running up to Charlotte and asking, “Where’s Alex?”

Charlotte stifles a laugh. “She’s at home, kiddo,” she says. “Hold your horses.”

“Aw, I thought she’d be out here to see me!” Ethan complains, kicking at the ground as his father comes over to them.

“Go ahead and head to the Lantern,” Charlotte says, “And let her know you’re there. It might take her a little bit to be ready, okay? I’ve gotta talk to your dad.”

Ethan nods. “All right,” he murmurs, taking out his phone and tapping rapidly on it as he crosses the bridge behind her. Charlotte watches him go, a little pang in her heart, and jumps when Liam taps her on the shoulder.

“Earth to Charlotte,” he says, waving his hand in her face with that cute little smile that always reminds Charlotte why she fell for the dork in the first place. He’s looking clean-cut and professional — he’s probably going straight to work after this in that polo and khakis.

“Sorry, just…” Charlotte sighs. “Distracted.”

“I’m sure. I gotta admit, I didn’t expect to be bringing him back,” Liam says. “But he’s been telling me Alex stories all weekend. I swear, it’s like when you started dating Gabe all over again.”

“Yeah, she’s really been great with him,” Charlotte admits. “Thanks for doing this. I know you didn’t have to.”

“It’s about him, you know? I’ll miss him, but…” Liam shudders. “I wasn’t there for what happened with Gabe. I figure if he wants to check in on…well, basically his step-aunt, I shouldn’t stop him, you know?”

“I…yeah.” Charlotte’s not sure what to say. She feels guilty, sometimes, for keeping Ethan away from his dad for school, even if it’s what they agreed on and their co-parenting is going so well. She sometimes doesn’t feel worthy of keeping him around, not after…

“Char?” Liam asks quietly, furrowing his brow. “I — shit, I dunno if I should ask, but how are you holding up? We haven’t exactly talked about Gabe, or Alex for that matter.”

“You are my ex-husband,” Charlotte points out, crossing her arms defensively.

“I know,” Liam replies, holding his hands up. “I get it. Boundaries and stuff. But you’re also my friend and helping me raise my kid, okay? I just wanted to check in on you.”

Charlotte’s shoulders slump. “It’s been hard,” she admits. “Getting a little easier, but I still miss him, every day. And with Alex…I dunno, I feel like I gotta look after her, but I don’t know how. Both of them were there with Gabe when he died, and…”

“Do you want me to stay in town for a little while and help out?” Liam asks gently. “I can work remote. I know there’s that little inn at the edge of town. They’ve got wifi, right?”

“I don’t need your help,” Charlotte snaps.

“Well, Ethan was just telling me you’re skipping meals sometimes to feed him, I just thought—”

“That I’m too poor and traumatized to raise my son?” Charlotte challenges, and Liam backs away.

“I — shit. I’m sorry. I’ll head back. I just…I still care about you, Char,” Liam says.

Charlotte pinches her brow between two fingers. “I know. That’s kind of the problem.”

“...yeah. See you around. I’ll, um, I’ll come back next weekend to pick him up.”

“Okay. Sorry I snapped, I just—”

“It’s okay. You’re going through a lot. But I know you, Charlotte. You’re a tough chick.” Liam gives her a wavery smile as he heads back into his car. “Good luck.”

“Thanks,” Charlotte mumbles, turning away and heading across the bridge. She reaches the Black Lantern to find Ethan still waiting outside of it, tapping his foot.

“She’s taking forever,” he complains as soon as he sees her.

“Well, she’s not exactly a hundred percent right now,” Charlotte reminds him. “She was just in the hospital.”

“I guess,” Ethan concedes, “But I heard she got shot! Like, with a gun!”

The door to the Lantern swings outward, and Charlotte catches it to see Alex looking very out-of-breath, leaning on her crutches. “It was only a graze,” Alex says, pointing to the gash across her forehead. “The real bad part was falling down the mineshaft.”

“Oh, man, you really got beat up!” Ethan says, grinning like it’s a good thing. “How far did you fall?”

“Didn’t really count on the way down. Hit a bunch of support beams on the way,” Alex says, raising her eyebrows.

“...can you still play video games?” Ethan asks hopefully.

Alex laughs, then complains, “Ow,” clutching her chest. “The most important question of all,” she says, hopping backward on her crutches to let Ethan in. “I can’t do the arcade cabinets, but the PS4 and the Switch have been getting plenty of use.”

“Awesome.” Ethan turns around to look up pleadingly at Charlotte. “Can I stay here for the day? Please?”

“So long as Alex is okay with it,” Charlotte says. “If she gets tired, she might want some quiet.”

“Believe me, I could use the distraction. Steph’s been buying me groceries and stuff, but everyone else who calls is either a lawyer or a reporter,” Alex complains. “C’mon, dude, let’s go kill each other.”

“I thought we were sticking to age-appropriate games,” Charlotte warns, though a smile perks at her lips at the way Ethan hisses “Yes!” under his breath.

“All right, all right, we’ll do good clean Nintendo-approved violence,” Alex agrees. “But, um…Char?”

“Yes?”

“Could you maybe help me up the stairs? It ended up being way harder than I thought to get down here on my own…”

Charlotte feels herself soften at the gentle, nervous tone in Alex’s voice. Like she’s scared of being a burden. “I think I can manage that,” Charlotte answers, heading inside.

“Sweet. Ethan, why don’t you go on up and dock the Switch for me? It’s on my bed,” Alex asks, and Ethan, always happy to be given a quest, bolts up the stairs into Alex’s apartment. Alex makes the first few hops towards the stairs on her own, then lets Charlotte take her crutches under one arm, supporting Alex with the other as she braces herself against the railing to slowly make her way up. Alex’s arm around Charlotte’s shoulders feels familiar, and she’s thrown back to the night overlooking the lake, only this time, Charlotte’s the one helping Alex in her time of need.

It feels right.

Alex is too concentrated on getting up the stairs to talk, and by the time they’re in her apartment, she’s panting again. “God, I think it’s time for my meds again,” she groans as Charlotte hands the crutches back to her. “My chest is killing me.”

“I’ll get them for you. You just get to the couch,” Charlotte orders.

“You’re the best, Char,” Alex sighs. “They’re by the sink.”

As Charlotte finds the bottle and reads the instructions (Oxycodone, two tablets every four-to-six hours as needed,) she shudders at the thought of how much pain Alex must be in. Maybe she should send her a gift basket of edibles? Something to help her sleep, help manage the pain, especially whenever she starts tapering off this junk. Or would that be presumptuous? Can she even afford to give merchandise away?

And yet, Alex is putting in all this effort to be there for Ethan, just because he likes her and wants to hang out with her. It’s like when Gabe came down with the flu, and Ethan got sick because he insisted he had to hang out with Gabe and make sure he got better, so Gabe put on his bravest face even through a hundred-degree fever.

Caring for Alex is the least Charlotte can do.

She delivers the pills and a glass of water to Alex as she settles in on the couch, resting her crutches beside her. “Thanks,” Alex says, taking them and knocking the pills back.

“Do you need anything else? I could come by and cook for you two at lunch,” Charlotte offers.

“Nah, Steph’s been coming by with food for me,” Alex says, waving her off. “We’ll be okay. Promise I won’t let Ethan leave this place.”

“You can’t stop me!” Ethan objects, though now he’s heading for the bathroom. “You can barely move!”

“Oh, you’re gonna regret saying that when I kick your butt at Mario Kart. You’ll see how much I can move,” Alex shouts back. Ethan just slams the bathroom door in protest.

Charlotte almost wants to stay. To make sure Alex really is okay, to ensure Ethan really is safe. But then Alex says, “Don’t worry. I’ll tell him all about how crappy falling down a mineshaft is, and he’ll never want to be in the mountains ever again.”

Charlotte swallows, feeling a hollow in her chest. “I think he already learned that lesson.”

“I…yeah. I guess he did.” Alex turns away, focusing on leaning over to get a controller from the coffee table. “But we’ll be okay, Charlotte. Go ahead and get back to work. I know you need the money. I’ll watch Ethan whenever, okay?”

“I doubt he’s gonna leave your side. You’re definitely his hero now.”

“I…” Alex shrugs, then hisses in pain. “Dammit. I was gonna say I’m not much. Just some screwup who wandered into a corporate negligence case.”

“But?”

“But shrugging hurts.”

Charlotte chuckles. “Well, don’t do it so much, then. I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah. Maybe you will.”

But Charlotte doesn’t see much of Alex, for a while.

Alex spends nearly a month holed up in her apartment. People who have time bring her casseroles and essentials, but Charlotte’s never sure what exactly she should do, not after Ethan goes back to his father. So, she works. She throws herself into it. Gabe’s death doesn’t sting quite as much these days, and loathe as she is to admit it, it kind of helps that she’s not seeing Ethan and Alex every day. It lets her get her bearings and buckle down into her career again. Summer’s a good sale season for the Dragon, too, with tourists coming through to get a taste of that Colorado legalization, and kids coming home from college, freshly turned 21. For the first time in a while, she can comfortably put some money away into her savings account, and art flows freely from her fingertips.

She cuts through her backlog. She paints pets, daughters and sons, the living and the dead. She wonders, idly, if Alex will one day seek her services, if she can capture Alex the way she never did Gabe; that man could never sit still, and by the time she started aching to get his portrait, she’d felt sure that he would stick around — and, no doubt, he would’ve insisted on paying her for it.

People talk to her. Reporters and lawyers, eager to take up her case or add it to class-actions. She sticks with the man she knows, the man who helped her get all her permits for the Silver Dragon in the first place. The wheels of justice turn, slowly but surely, and while she doesn’t have a ton of hope for a settlement on par with what Typhon offered her in those early days…she does have a little. She wonders what Alex will receive. If anyone will pay her hospital bills. Things she doesn’t know, because she’s not close enough to know.

So she’s surprised one day in mid-July, when Alex calls her out of the blue. She’s just closing up shop, ready to head for the studio, when that caller ID appears on her phone. She answers, of course. What else could she do?

“Hey, Alex,” Charlotte offers, leaning against the display cases in the back of the store.

“Hey. So, um…remember how when I first moved to Haven, we had a few girls’ nights in?” Alex begins. Her voice sounds…strained. Low. Like she’s been crying.

“Yeah. I know I wasn’t the best company, back then,” Charlotte says, cringing at the memory of canceling because she’d caught a whiff of Gabe’s cologne off one of his jackets and just broken down.

“You were fine, Char.”

“I was a wreck. But — sorry, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I needed someone right then. You were there for me, even though you barely knew me.”

“Well…I need someone right now, too. Can we do something like that again?”

“I guess we can. When?”

“...now?” Alex’s voice breaks.

“Oh, sweetie,” Charlotte sighs, a little pang striking her in the chest. “Yeah, I was just closing up. Should I bring wine, or would that mess with your meds?”

“Um, no meds, anymore. I could use a restock of your gummies, though.”

“All right. Movie choices?”

“Something funny.”

“Okay. Is Steph joining us?”

“I…no. I’ll explain more when you get here.”

Shit. That can’t be good. “If you say so. I’ll be right over.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Of course.” I owe you.

Does she, still? Charlotte shakes her head as she ends the call. It’s not important why. What matters is that, for whatever reason, Alex asked. What reason does Charlotte have not to answer, on a Friday night?

So she’ll go home, raid her wine cabinet and movie collection, and find some way to cheer up Alex from whatever funk she’s probably justifiably in. It’s the least she can do.

It’s almost a shock to see Alex when she opens the door of the Lantern to let Charlotte in; she’s standing on her own now, her bruises gone, bullet graze slowly fading to a raised white line across her head. Her eyes are bloodshot, and her stance is unsteady, and she’s wearing rumpled, sweat-stained clothes, and —

And, dammit, Charlotte needs to stop thinking about Gabe every time she sees Alex, because it’s reminding her too much of when she found him in this same place after yet another failed attempt to find his family.

“Hey,” Alex says after Charlotte spends too long staring at her. “Thanks for coming.” Charlotte pats her bag. “I brought goodies.”

“Hell yes. I need goodies. I’m starting to run out of money,” Alex admits. “Should’ve asked you to bring a pizza, too.”

“We can order one,” Charlotte offers, coming inside as Alex steps back to let her in. “You’re not gonna get kicked out, right?”

“Jed’s barely talking to anyone, let alone dealing with his finances,” Alex sighs. “Nobody’s asking for rent, it’s just…”

“You don’t have a job,” Charlotte supplies.

“Well…that might not be true anymore, at least?” Alex says with a helpless shrug.

“Might not?”

“Shit, um…” Alex sniffs, wiping her nose. “Let’s break open that wine first before news, okay?”

“You’re the boss,” Charlotte says. Alex is a little slow going up the stairs, but certainly better than last time. She falls down onto the couch as Charlotte dumps her bag on the table and takes out the bottle along with a baggie of gummies, which she places on Alex’s liquor shelf when Alex isn’t looking. A quick application of the corkscrew, and then…

Charlotte sighs. “You know, if we’re gonna make a habit of you hosting, we need to get you some real wine glasses,” she says, locating the smallest glasses available in the cupboards and filling them with red.

“Yeah, well. Gabe wasn’t exactly a wine drinker, right?” Alex replies, looking dead ahead into the TV screen as she boots up the PS4 to use as their DVD player.

“He sure was not.” Charlotte sets the glasses down on the coffee table, and is about to head over to grab the movie when Alex takes a glass and holds it up.

“Anything we’re toasting?” Charlotte asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Fuck if I know. What’s there to celebrate?” Alex murmurs. She pulls the glass away and chugs the whole thing in one gulp.

“Hey, that’s…decent-ish wine you’re wasting,” Charlotte warns, putting a hand on her hip.

“Is it?” Alex looks down into her empty glass. “Oh. Sorry.”

“I’ll bring over the bottle, too,” Charlotte says, worry eating away at the edges of her thoughts. She grabs the movie and the bottle, then settles in on the couch beside Alex. “So,” she begins, pouring Alex another glass, “What’s the news?”

Alex takes a sip, staring down into the wine and tapping her nails against the side of the glass. The star tattoo on her hand draws Charlotte’s eye, like it often does. “Steph’s leaving.”

“When?” Charlotte asks.

“Tomorrow.”

“Shit.”

“I take it she didn’t tell you, then,” Alex says, her frown deepening. “She took this long to tell me. Why would she do anyone else any favors?”

“Alex—”

“How can she do that? Just, up and bail on, on everyone?”

“I’m not surprised,” Charlotte admits. “She’s been trying to get out of here since January.”

“I just thought…” Alex sniffs. “I thought…am I just not good enough for anyone to stay for?”

“Oh, Alex, it’s not your fault,” Charlotte says softly, putting a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “Steph has her dream, and Haven was never it. I love her too, but I always told Gabe not to get too attached.”

“It’s not just her.” Alex wipes at her eyes. “It’s Dad. And every foster parent I ever had. And, and fuck, Mom and Gabe too.”

“They never meant to leave you,” Charlotte assures her, though she’s no stranger to what Alex is saying. She blames Gabe, too, some days, for the hole in her heart that he left.

“But they did. And now, Steph…” Alex chokes back a sob. “I just wanted someone to stay. Anyone. But no one did. I walked into this town and I fucked everything up. I don’t know why you even came over here, I know every time you look at me all you can think about is how fucked everything is since I came into your life.”

Chills run down Charlotte’s spine. How does she know that? How did she pull those words out of Charlotte’s head?

But those thoughts are months past. All Charlotte sees now is another woman in the same position she is.

“That’s not true.” It was once, but not anymore. “You’re my friend, Alex. I came over because you asked. That’s all. “

“No, it’s because you owe me. Because I saved Ethan’s life and I’m Gabe’s stupid little fuckup sister and you’re the closest thing to family I have left, so you’re, you’re obligated. But it’s not for me. Not really.” Alex finishes her glass and hugs herself, curling into her own body, hair hanging down to hide her face.

Charlotte can’t come up with the words. So, instead, she wraps her arms around Alex, hugging her on the couch. It’s an awkward position and Charlotte’s not sure she’s doing it right, but after a moment Alex unfurls herself and embraces Charlotte back, sniffling into her shoulder.

“Everything is too blue,” Alex mumbles.

“What?”

“I’m sorry,” Alex says, pulling back and wiping her face. “I just…I’ve been stuck ever since Steph told me. I know I’m not listening to you. I feel like I can’t.” She stares briefly at her hand, at the star, falling now. “Today sucks.”

“Did anything else happen?” Charlotte asks gently.

“Ryan came by. To say sorry. Finally.” Alex clears her throat, closing her eyes. “He asked me if I could forgive him, but, but I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“The same reason I couldn’t forgive Jed. Because he saw me, and he knew he was wrong, but he hid. He could’ve turned right around, seen that I was telling the truth, and asked me to forgive him, right then and there. Instead, he waited and he wallowed and he left me alone.” Alex’s fist tightens. “He missed my fucking birthday. If there was any time he was gonna…but no. I spent that with Steph. And now she’s gone too.”

“Oh, shit,” Charlotte hisses. “I — when was your birthday?”

“Wednesday.”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know—”

“I didn’t tell you. It’s fine. I didn’t think you’d want to see me.” Alex swallows.

“I did. I’ve been worried about you, Alex, but I just…” Charlotte shrugs. “I didn’t know how to talk to you. I don’t know how to be your friend, I guess.”

“Yeah. That makes sense. You don’t…have to be. If you don’t want.”

Charlotte sighs, taking up her own glass and taking a sip. She’s trying to work out how to say this. “At Springfest,” she begins, “You told me there was still time for us to be friends. Do you…still believe that?”

“I don’t know.” Alex pauses, then looks over at Charlotte. “But…you believe it. Don’t you?”

“I do.” There’s one last person left in Haven that Charlotte can look in the eye. She’s going to keep her around.

“Then…I’ll take my cues from you.” Alex tilts her head down, but her eyes meet Charlotte’s, and she feels a strange warmth in her chest. Alex sniffs, wiping her face again, taking a deep breath. “I’m okay,” she says. “I’m okay.”

“Are you?”

“At least for a little bit. Thanks, Char.” Alex heaves a sigh. “Okay. Yeah. Really okay.”

“So what’s the job?” Charlotte asks. “That’s good news, right?”

“Steph says the owner is okay with me just…taking over for Steph after she leaves.”

“DJ Alex Chen? I can see it,” Char says, smiling slightly. “I’ll put your show on in the Dragon. Think you can match that atmosphere?”

“I might stay off the mic for a little bit,” Alex admits. “But I’ll submit myself to your musical scrutiny. If you insist.”

“Well. Cheers to that?” Charlotte offers, holding up her glass. Alex refills her own, and they toast.

And it really feels, for a while, like things are okay.

The movie’s a hit with Alex. She laughs her guts out, falling across the couch and into Charlotte’s lap near the end, drunk and smiling blearily, though her glasses are halfway off her face. Charlotte ends up with a hand on Alex’s shoulder, and…

And.

Charlotte focuses on the movie.

Until the credits roll, and Alex laughs again, her body shaking in Charlotte’s lap. “Good choice?” Charlotte asks, wine-drunk and happy, seeing her friend smile again.

“The best. Oh my God. That was insane,” Alex says, turning over so she’s facing Charlotte. “I can’t believe I haven’t seen it before.”

“Does it make you want to avoid the rock-n-roll lifestyle?” Charlotte teases, brushing Alex’s hair out of her eyes.

“You don’t want no part of this shit, Alex Chen,” Alex says, putting on an impressive Tim Meadows impression. “I dunno,” she adds, her eyes hooding over. “I’m still too...fucked up to be in front of crowds. I can’t even make my own friends.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Alex?” Charlotte groans.

“I just…dropped into Haven and took over my brother’s life. It’s messed up,” Alex mumbles, closing her eyes fully. “Took his job. Took his best friends. Looked after what was basically his kid. And his girlfriend. No wonder it all went wrong.”

“None of what happened was your fault,” Charlotte says soothingly, running a hand down Alex’s arm, wanting to touch that rising star. She stops at her wrist. That’s too familiar.

“But I didn’t…earn any of this. Not really.”

“Well…” Charlotte leans her head back, considering. “At Gabe’s wake. On the bridge. You said home isn’t something you find, it’s something you build. Right?”

“I did say that,” Alex murmurs. “Sounded smart.”

“Well…maybe you found home, but now it’s time to start building. I need to rebuild; you just need to build in the first place,” Charlotte says. “There’s more to life than just the first people you meet in a new town, right?”

“...I guess there is. I should probably listen to you. You’re smart. And strong. And pretty.”

Looking down is a mistake, because Alex is smiling, and their eyes meet, and for a moment, fear sends lightning through Charlotte’s nervous system.

Is Alex going to kiss her?

It would ruin everything. This tentative, difficult bridge they’ve built between them could be undone, just like that. Charlotte’s not blind, she’s seen the way Alex looks at Steph, and everything about Alex’s style. Alex may have been interested in Ryan once, but that doesn’t mean Alex’s options are so…limited.

She doesn’t want Alex to see her that way. She doesn’t want to see Alex that way. It’d be a betrayal, a mistake, of the exact type that Alex was lamenting just a second ago, and it’s not like Charlotte’s gay anyway so this can’t — Alex can’t —

Alex sits up suddenly, falling against the other end of the couch. “Woah,” she murmurs, clutching her head. “Okay. Too much to drink, clearly.”

“You — you are turning redder than Eleanor’s prize roses,” Charlotte teases, feeling out of breath.

“Good old Asian flush,” Alex groans. “Dead fucking giveaway in the group homes. I always got caught.”

“Stealthy isn’t exactly a word I’d use to describe you,” Charlotte says, finding stable ground again now that Alex is no longer in her lap, just leaning against the opposite arm with a nervous smile on her face. “Or subtle.”

“Yeah, I do kinda go for the throat a lot,” Alex admits. She clears her throat. “Thanks, Charlotte. For everything tonight. I needed someone to talk to.”

“Well…we need to build together, right?” Charlotte offers carefully.

“No one else is gonna do it for us,” Alex agrees. “I should probably get to bed, though. I have a new job in the morning and like six hours of training before Steph leaves. But…” Alex sweeps her hair away from her face. She needs her sides re-shaved. “Same time next week?”

“Agreed. My place next time,” Charlotte says, standing up and being surprisingly wobbly herself. She’s so glad walking home is so easy and safe around here. “You pick the movie.”

“Is it okay if it sucks?” Alex asks. “I didn’t get to see a ton of movies growing up, so I’m gonna look for classics I missed.”

“It’s okay if it sucks.” And maybe it is. Maybe it’s okay for things to suck for a while.

They’ll build a new life together among the wreckage of what Haven seemed to be. It might not be what Charlotte imagined when Gabe came to her with the news that Alex was coming to town, but it’ll be theirs, and whatever they construct might just last this time.

Summer passes by. Alex settles into her job at the record store, and though she’s not as talkative as Steph on the radio, quietly, Charlotte thinks Alex has better taste in music. One day, the Black Lantern re-opens, under the surprising ownership of one Reginald McCalister the Third, purchased from Jed to help pay the court-mandated cost of Alex’s medical bills. The lawsuits against Typhon might be slow, but Jed pleading guilty to attempted murder is a surprising relief. He’ll spend some years in prison, far from Alex and Charlotte and Haven, and while he’s a patriarch-shaped hole in the town for now, people are already starting to build over the gap.

Ryan remains a ghost, spotted occasionally in town, but never showing his face in the building Alex makes her home. He comes up in conversation once in a while during Alex and Charlotte’s weekly visits. They both miss him, but if he won’t make the effort, they won’t push it. He has the right to process what he needs to on his own, if he wants to, and despite Alex’s melancholy, she’s adamant that while they might someday be friends again, whatever was growing between them in May is dead and buried.

Charlotte finds that a relief, and doesn’t think too much about why. It’s nice, being this little unit.

Ethan returns at the end of August, and slots into that little unit like he belongs there. Full of stories from visiting his grandparents in Arizona, like usual, he’s not quite back to his old self — but he’s getting there, like Charlotte, and the anger in her has faded in their time apart. She no longer sees the irresponsible, stupid brat who got her boyfriend killed when she looks at her son, the same way she no longer sees the harbinger of death in Alex. Having answers about what happened to Gabe helps. Having a space to unwind, regularly, helps.

It’s nice to have somewhere Ethan’s actually allowed to be at as a place for him to hang out and be supervised after school, too. He’s happy to chatter away with Alex’s customers about the latest edition of his comic, or sit at the listening station so Alex can feed him the music that got her through her own childhood. Alex’s rapport with Ethan never missed a step.

It’s hard sometimes, trying not to see Gabe in her. She attends Ethan’s 11th birthday party as family, and it’s strange how natural that seems, like Ethan finally has a relative who can do this for him. What family Charlotte has never comes up to see him. Just like they never supported her as an artist, or as a mother. Alex is behind every version of Charlotte there is, and that’s starting to be a little scary.

There are… moments, usually at the end of their girls’ nights. When Alex looks at Charlotte and Charlotte’s heart starts to pound, when Alex calls her pretty to cheer her up after yet another failed attempt at dating. Not that the guys are necessarily the problem. Of course, sometimes they are, but more often it’s Charlotte’s damned high standards that are the problem. She looks at these guys, new miners coming into town, old acquaintances and customers she builds a little rapport with and decides to give a shot, and she can’t help but ask herself:

Will he be as good as Gabe?

Will he watch out for Ethan, and read parenting books to try and adapt to life dating a mother with all his heart? Will he listen to and care about Charlotte’s artistic struggle, will he read every edition of Thaynor? Will he be a firm place to stand when Charlotte feels the squeeze of the loan she took out for her business combined with her mortgage, when she needs that earthly tether to remind her that she’s made it this far on her own and no one’s gonna stop her now?

Who can compare to a dead man?

Alex watches Ethan during every date, and comforts Charlotte after each one that goes awry, and each budding relationship she cuts off for one of her innumerable reasons. Alex always knows just what to say, and never judges Charlotte, never asks her to settle for less. “You deserve the absolute best guy you can find,” Alex assures her once, “And until you find him, being single with you is gonna be a blast.”

Alex does not look for love. Charlotte doesn’t ask her why.

She’s afraid of the answer she might get.

“Three…two…one!” Alex shouts, punching the enter key on her phone dramatically, Charlotte copying her action. “You think we’re annoying him enough?” Alex asks with a grin, throwing herself back onto the couch. “Should we send more texts? Puns on 2020? I can totally come up with some.”

Charlotte chuckles, putting her phone back in her pocket and taking up the champagne flute — part of the set of proper adult glasses Charlotte had gifted Alex for Christmas. “Oh, let him have fun, he doesn’t need us stuffy adults cramping his style at the sleepover,” she chides, knocking back the drink. It’s cheap, but having cheap taste is a blessing for both of them.

“Naaaaah, he loves us, he’ll be happy to have his phone buzzing all night,” Alex argues. “If he’s even awake. You think he actually made it to midnight?”

“We’ll find out tomorrow, I’m sure.” Charlotte sighs, sinking into the couch. “So, any resolutions, Alex?”

“Um…” Alex rubs the back of her neck, looking down. “Not…not really. Just trying to skate by right now. Just live, you know?”

“What does that mean?” Charlotte asks.

“I haven’t really had a chance to do this. I’ve never been this…stable,” Alex admits. “I don’t know if I should have any big ambitions. I don’t wanna blow up what I’ve got.”

“It doesn’t have to be big,” Charlotte argues. “Just a little self-improvement! Isn’t there anything you wanna do for yourself?”

“All right, all right, Misses Goddamn Resolution Police,” Alex groans, “What’s yours, then?”

“...shit.”

Alex bursts out laughing, and Charlotte takes up the wrapper for their egg rolls and tosses it at her face. “I was trying to get you to make one and then I could piggyback!” Charlotte objects through her own laughter.

“You’re the one who’s so into this idea. So, how about this,” Alex begins, “You come up with one for me. I’ll come up with one for you. Deal?”

“How about…” Charlotte looks around Alex’s apartment, and spots her guitar case gathering dust under her bed. “You start playing for people again?”

“Oh…” Alex plays idly with her hair. “Um…”

“Come on, you were great at Springfest!” Charlotte insists. “Did you see the way Steph was looking at you? You rocked her world. You’re great on stage.”

“I…that’s kind of the problem,” Alex murmurs. “Steph loves my singing, and my playing, and she was always pushing…and without her around, I don’t really have the courage.”

“Well, I’m pushing now,” Charlotte says defiantly. “You support my art, and I’ll support yours. How long has it been since you picked that thing up?”

“Um, Springfest,” Alex admits, cringing. “I just…”

“What’s really stopping you?” Charlotte asks, quieter now, shifting closer to Alex on the couch.

“It was Gabe’s gift to me,” Alex murmurs, adjusting her glasses. “And you’re right, Springfest was so fun, and I felt so good up there…and later that night, someone shot me in the head.”

“Oh, Alex, I — I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to —”

“And I haven’t written lyrics in so long, or a new song, nothing’s coming to me because I’ve just been living,” Alex continues, “No big drama, no fights, no…none of the moments that I used to write down in my journal. I don’t know how to create without crisis, I guess.”

“Wait,” Charlotte says, holding up her hands. “You write your own music?”

“Um. Yeah. I used to.” Alex folds her hands in front of her. “I’ve never…played it for anyone. Covers are easier. Most of the time.” She stares down at her hands. “Depends on the cover, I guess.”

“But don’t you want to play? To get your feelings out?” Charlotte asks. “I have to paint and sculpt sometimes, just to…just to process. It doesn’t matter if anyone else sees it, or if I get paid…I just have to.”

“I get that too, I just…haven’t been doing it,” Alex says.

“Well, that’s why it’s a resolution. You’re going into the new year and trying to improve yourself in some way. But…I can find another one, if you want?” Charlotte offers.

“No, I actually…I like that you want to…” Alex’s face flushes further red. “Steph was the one who was really supporting me in it. I think it’s just because she likes chicks with guitars. I didn’t think anyone else really cared.”

“Of course I do. You’re my best friend, Alex,” Charlotte says, and in that moment, she realizes it’s true — that somehow, that hazy fantasy that she’d told Alex on the docks has come true, despite everything in their way. “I want to see you grow.”

“Then…would it fulfill my resolution to play something now?” Alex asks, after clearing her throat. “I have, um, had a song in my head for a while. Something that got me through some of the hard times, before. It feels even more relevant now that I’m kind of the pivotal figure in bringing down a major corporation.”

“Well, with that pitch, I have to hear it,” Charlotte says, standing up and heading over to Alex’s bed. She brings the case over, sliding the coffee table back so Alex has room.

“All right. Is it okay if it sucks?” Alex asks after taking out the guitar and putting it on her lap, looking uncertain.

“It’s okay if it sucks.”

“It’s been a while since I played it. But I remember how it goes. It’s called Take My Hand And Lead Me Through This Disaster.” Alex takes in a deep breath. Charlotte watches her hands as she starts trumming.

“Malcom X never lived to see the government fall, but the state he opposed made him a stamp,” she begins, and Charlotte’s breath catches in her throat. She forgot how beautiful Alex’s singing voice is. She’s become so used to her voice, in the Dragon over the stereo system, in these nights drinking and laughing together, but everything is different when she sings. Like flipping a switch. Charlotte listens to every word.

“Maybe that’s the best you can hope for if you never give up:

Your enemies will teach your corpse to dance.

And you and me buddy, we’re living for a ghost,

when we’re not sticking our heads in the sand.

So when I’m afraid, take me by the hand

And show the world that we can’t be planned.

It’s all right, it’s okay —

It’s just that everything’s fucked.”

Alex’s voice only goes stronger with the repetition in the chorus, and Charlotte hears righteous anger enter her voice for the first time in months, hears the woman who stopped at nothing to bring down the man who betrayed her and everyone she knew and loved. Alex Chen, local superhero, is shining and bright right in front of her, hands dancing across her guitar, and Charlotte’s staring.

She remembers this feeling. It’s been so long since it graced her body. None of the men she’s seen since Gabe have brought it back, and her life has been busy, watching over her son, taking care of her business, making art. It hadn’t been important to seek this out, this full-body shiver, this heat in her cheeks and her heart, the pounding of her pulse in her veins. This is more than one of those moments, where Charlotte caught the briefest glance of Alex’s attraction to her, and turned away from it so Alex could compose herself. Now, Charlotte wants Alex to turn away, even though she’s not even looking at Charlotte, eyes fixed on her own hands, too busy worried about her own performance to notice Charlotte.

Until Alex finishes the song and looks up, smiling. “You get why it’s in my head now, right?” she asks, and then their eyes meet and Alex’s smile falters, for just a second.

“Um — yeah, yeah, I do.” Charlotte swallows.

“Sorry, I know you’re not exactly a folk-punk girl, and I’m usually not either or anything—”

“No, it was good!” Charlotte insists. “Just…really raw. You put your whole heart into that song, and it’s not even yours.”

“Well…yeah. It’s been in my head ‘cuz…well, you’ve been leading me through this disaster, a little bit,” Alex mumbles. “Both of us just trying to get by after Gabe died, but like you said…we’re building something. I’m okay most days, but…”

“You haven’t forgotten,” Charlotte finishes. “I…yeah. I feel the same way. I’m doing okay, but everything’s still sort of fucked.”

“Exactly.” Alex relaxes a little.

“You need to start playing your own stuff, though,” Charlotte says, still avoiding Alex’s eyes, letting her reaction to Alex slow and calm until she feels normal again. “I want to hear what you’ve written.”

“Ugh, you know me too well, though, you’re gonna know what every song is about,” Alex groans, laying the guitar flat on her lap and tapping on the body with her fingernails.

“That’s part of the joy of sharing art, though,” Charlotte argues. “That people can know what you’re talking about. I love making things for people I know.”

“But it’s…how can you be that vulnerable?” Alex asks. “Covers are easy. It’s not your words. You can always make that excuse.”

“Good art doesn’t make excuses for itself,” Charlotte states. “And I bet whatever you’ve written, it doesn’t do that, and that scares you, right?”

Alex nods. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s all…from the heart. And no one’s really seen into mine, except me, and when I look…I’m not sure I like what’s in there.”

“...well, maybe someone should.” Charlotte swallows. “You saw the worst parts of me, somehow, and you still cared about me. Supported me. Believed in me. No matter what I see, I think I’ll end up doing the same for you.”

“Yeah?” Alex asks, looking up.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, then, since you gave me a resolution…here’s yours,” Alex begins. “You… will keep being a wonderful friend to me this year.”

“That’s not a resolution! I’m not changing anything!” Charlotte objects.

“And you don’t need to.” Alex’s eyes bore into Charlotte’s, and her mouth is dry. “I can’t think of anything you need to work on that you’re not already doing. You improve yourself every single day. So, if you want me to play music, you have to deal with being my inspiration.”

Charlotte falters. She can’t think of what to say to that, because it might be the most romantic fucking thing she’s ever heard. She can’t accept that. All of Alex’s affection, it feels overwhelming and she knows she could fall right into it, right into needing someone again, and she could always, always lose Alex. Alex hears blasting, and fireworks, and she curls into herself and remembers the night at the ravine. Alex fends off reporters and townies alike asking about how she found out what Jed and Typhon did. There are so many reasons for Alex to leave Haven, and whenever it happens, Charlotte has to be okay with it, because she cannot go through losing someone again.

“Hey. Charlotte. One thing, though,” Alex says, and Charlotte starts.

“What?”

“Don’t stab me.”

Charlotte laughs, the suddenness of Alex’s statement breaking through all her anxious thoughts. “What?”

“Muses are dangerous things to have,” Alex says airily, examining her fingernails. “You never know when they’ll turn on you.”

“I refuse to be your muse,” Charlotte says, rolling her eyes, grateful for how Alex knew exactly how to break the tension. “I am your very supportive friend, but I will not be a muse.”

“Okay. Fail your resolution, then, see if I care,” Alex says, shrugging. “Not my problem. You’re the one who was so insistent on it.”

“I will inspire the fuck out of you, Alex Chen,” Charlotte declares. “Just for putting me on the spot like this, I am gonna make sure you get on stage this year.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll make you play your songs on air.”

“Got it.”

“I’ll get you on Bandcamp.”

“Is that so?” Alex’s smirk grows.

“You will make a million dollars.”

“Promises, promises.”

Charlotte finds herself smiling broadly, and Alex starts laughing a moment later, and this…this feels good.

Not scary, to be Alex’s overly-supportive friend. She can do that. Being her inspiration doesn’t have to be that big, frightening prospect of needing her. They can uplift one another, be there for each other as they have been, and nothing needs to be that serious. Alex knows when to pull back.

Charlotte can care. But not too much.

Charlotte cares too much.

For two months, they just maintain the friendship they had the year before. Alex does start playing more often, open mics at the Lantern, mostly, and true to Alex’s word, Charlotte does recognize what her songs are about. It’s an album, Alex confides in her one night, an album she’s putting together in her apartment in the early morning hours, with shitty acoustics and recording equipment, but it’s coming together. An album inspired by May of 2019, and all the moments she shared with the people of Haven in those early days.

Charlotte finds herself humming Alex’s songs. Snippets of her lyrics float through her head as she waits for customers in the Silver Dragon. I wanna make things right, I don’t wanna fight, so I’ll be crashing here tonight, Alex sings once, happily drunk and stretched across Charlotte’s couch with the guitar laid across her body. And, well, she sang it, so of course Charlotte has to let her stay.

Sleepovers start to feel natural, after that. Who wants to be the one to say goodbye and walk home in the cold, after all? They’re past that now. The walls between them, built from grief, are tumbling down. Slowly, that becomes less frightening.

And then the world grinds to a halt.

The pandemic is declared in March. The Black Lantern closes its doors and turns out its lights. The Silver Dragon stays open; apparently weed is essential — but Charlotte switches to online order only. Alex loses her open mic nights, and Rocky Mountain Record Traders is closed for in-person business; Alex tells Charlotte that holds and curbside pickups are keeping her afloat, but barely, and she takes to the airwaves to sing once in a while instead.

But, for a while, that’s all Charlotte gets to know of Alex. They suspend their weekly get-togethers for two months while the stay-at-home order is in effect. Ethan keeps up with her over online games as his school closes down, but without their routine, their friendship falls by the wayside.

And Charlotte misses her like a physical ache.

She misses eating breakfast with her, at Alex’s apartment or her own, after a good night. She misses being able to leave Ethan with the babysitter for a night and just be herself, not having to be a mom for a moment.

She misses Alex’s smile. The shy way her eyes will dart away if you look too long. The way her hair frames her face. The shine of her piercings in the light. The tattoos on her hands, that star that rises or falls depending on your angle. The sound of her glasses clicking as she adjusts them. Her singing voice, growing stronger and bolder all the time, in person, not over radio waves or through a headset mic while she thrashes Ethan in Smash.

There are so many reasons not to let herself feel this way.

She’s her dead boyfriend’s sister, for one thing — they might be different people, there might be things about Alex that compel Charlotte that Gabe never had, but it would be fucked up, right? She’s too young for Charlotte — even if she passes the half-plus-seven rule. Alex has never disrespected the boundaries of their friendship, and Charlotte shouldn’t start, either. And, oh yeah, she’s a woman, and Charlotte’s never been inclined that way before, right?

In that time apart, Charlotte’s Google searches are worth erasing from the history. They don’t offer answers, anyway.

They don’t talk over the phone, or do any of the remote-hanging out that has started to sweep the nation. Charlotte isn’t one hundred percent savvy with that stuff, and even with Riley back in town, she’d feel awkward asking about it. So as the weeks stretch on, the prospect of seeing Alex again grows into a knot of dread in her stomach, because Charlotte keeps thinking about her, and what will happen when this quarantine ends? Will Charlotte immediately screw what they have up, as soon as she sees Alex’s face again?

But eventually, the stay-at-home order is lifted. And Alex sends her a text, asking if she’ll come over to celebrate, since neither of them are seeing too many people. And Charlotte can’t refuse, right?

That would be ridiculous. And cruel. So she goes, with Ethan’s promise to stay home.

It’ll be fine.

Charlotte knocks on the door of the Lantern, and when Alex swings the door open for her…they just stare at each other for a moment. Alex clears her throat first.

“Um, hey, Char,” she says, giving an awkward little wave. “Long time, no see, huh?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I know I should’ve called more, I just—”

“No, no, it’s okay, I didn’t — I didn’t exactly call you either,” Alex admits. “It’s been rough on me, I can’t imagine what it’s like taking care of Ethan through this. This is the first time I’ve cleaned my apartment in…uh, a while.”

“So no progress on making a million dollars?” Charlotte teases, and Alex relaxes, smiling.

“More than you might think, but you’re gonna have to work pretty hard to make that happen,” Alex answers, stepping aside to let Charlotte in.

“Excuse me, I’m gonna have to work hard?”

“It was your resolution!”

“It was yours! Forced on me!”

“You did it first!”

Charlotte laughs, and she feels the weight lift from her shoulders. Maybe all those feelings were just…brought on by isolation, and distance, and the fact that Charlotte hasn’t been on the dating apps for a while so she let herself get too invested. Alex is just her friend. She just missed her friend, and that was all, and she doesn’t care that much. Quarantine got to everyone, after all.

It’s easy to fall back into the old pattern, heading upstairs and catching up over wine and movies. Alex has a rough demo finished, and she’s back in contact with Steph at last — Steph had to settle down at her dad’s place in Seattle when all the venues closed. They’ve been sending each other their music, and with the pandemic forcing everyone to shelter in some place, Steph’s been reconnecting with an old friend from her hometown, and the plan is to eventually form a new band and come back for Springfest “whenever the plague ends”.

Charlotte tries to ignore the way Alex’s eyes light up whenever she talks about Steph. It’s her right. As flattering as those looks that Alex gives Charlotte are, the ones that Charlotte can’t help but catch, it’s reasonable that Alex still cares for the woman who always had her back from minute one. With Ryan isolating himself in the mountains, and no other real suitors, who can blame Alex for holding onto that crush?

It’s fine.

Totally fine.

They’ll get through this together, too. What they’ve built is strong enough to weather it.

It’s hard to say that everything goes back to normal, after that. Sure, Alex and Charlotte form their little quarantine bubble, and the Black Lantern re-opens (and closes, and opens, and closes again as the mandates go through their cycle) and Charlotte hesitantly starts to seek out ways to date in this new era. The only problem with that is, in a time where everything’s encouraging her to keep people at a distance and conduct most of her love-seeking through text messaging…it’s only getting easier to dismiss people.

They don’t make her laugh like Alex does. They treat Ethan as more of a roadblock in the way of any potential relationship, instead of someone they’d be thrilled to meet and form a relationship with — when Alex is already doing that with no expectations. They aren’t creative. They don’t have a moral backbone that could hold up a three-story building.

She can’t help comparing every single one to Alex Chen, and they come up wanting.

She doesn’t talk about it. She certainly doesn’t tell Alex when she briefly sets her preferences to women and men, just to see. Just to experiment.

She sees Diane on the list.

She sets her preferences back.

At least people buy a lot of weed in quarantine, even if nobody has the disposable income to commission Charlotte anymore. Ethan adapts to online schooling pretty well, and as he grows up before Charlotte’s eyes in this fucked-up age, he still keeps himself sane. He returns to his father at the end of May, comes back in August, has another birthday.

The lawsuits roll on, slower than ever. Pre-trial negotiations drag on. At least Charlotte doesn’t have to go to court, yet.

Alex and Charlotte continue on into 2021. Char hopes that Alex believes the performance she’s putting on, where she goes over and drinks and pretends not to think about the shape of Alex’s lips, pretends not to want to trace her tattoos, pretends not to be having a complete fucking sexuality crisis. There is no talk of resolutions this year, even though Alex managed to get herself enough studio time (by using the record store’s booth) to put out her album on Bandcamp. They have to watch Ethan, and therefore watch their own drinking levels, and Alex heads home at the end of the night. Charlotte finds herself grateful for that.

They have their routine. They have built their lives, small but honest and fun, and while neither of them have wild ambitions, they’re still creating and sharing what lives in their heads. Charlotte holds onto the foundation she built, and tries to resist tearing it apart with her bare hands.

And then, as cases decline, as vaccines start to roll out, Springfest 2021 is declared by the city of Haven Springs to be officially on.

Steph is coming back to town.

Charlotte has to go out and see Steph, of course. It’s been years, and they were friends once, and Alex is bouncing off the walls about getting to see Steph’s band play live. She comes out as the stage in the park is being set up, spotting Alex and Steph talking in front of it while two other women do the actual work. As Charlotte approaches, she can hear Steph’s excited chattering, her hands moving rapidly.

“You are gonna love Max and Chloe,” Steph says. “We should all hang at your place after the show! You know, I bet if you focus, you could get some stuff out of them, they’re kinda tight-lipped, and you could, you know—”

“Charlotte!” Alex calls out loudly, rapidly drawing her hand across her throat. “Over here!”

“I see you, I see you,” Charlotte says, feeling a smile come to her lips involuntarily at Alex’s bright, happy expression.

“Char-let!” Steph cries, holding out a hand and fist-bumping Charlotte. “Alex tells me you’ve been keeping her sane all these years. Great to see you again. Where’s Ethan at?”

“Playing with some of his friends. Your LARP made him get really interested in doing it more,” Charlotte explains. “He’s really excited to see you once he’s done, though. When’s the set starting?”

“That is actually exactly what we were talking about,” Steph says, putting a hand on her hip and raising one eyebrow at Alex.

“Steph, no,” Alex groans.

“Come on, you have an album! It’s been a year of this fucking plague and I’ve been itching to go on stage. Haven’t you?” Steph asks.

“Are we roping Alex into playing Springfest again?” Charlotte asks, complex memories bubbling up of that night.

“We are. Char, help me. You know how hot she looks with the guitar,” Steph continues.

“You guys are already booked!” Alex objects.

“Yeah, and you’re opening. Obviously.”

“Charlotte, help me,” Alex begs.

“I mean, I was the one who pushed you into making music again, I don’t know if I get a say here,” Charlotte says, holding up her hands. “Nobody can actually make you get on stage, Alex.”

“Hey, here’s an offer,” Steph begins, smiling wickedly now. “You get up there and blow everyone’s minds. In exchange, I…give you the night of your life.”

Alex’s cheeks light up bright red. “Steph!” she exclaims, hiding her smile with her hands.

Charlotte’s heart drops into her stomach.

“What?” Steph asks, grinning. “Come on, I’m back in town, you’re lonely, I’m stuck with those two idiots up there who are disgustingly in love, I’m gonna shoot my damn shot, Chen.”

“Who says I’m lonely?” Alex asks, lowering her hands and meeting Steph’s eyes directly now. “You’re awfully confident in this move.”

“I’m not hearing a no,” Steph shoots back, and Charlotte turns away. She’s not wanted here. She’s not needed here. There’s no reason for her to get between them, and no reason for her to feel sick to her stomach and inexplicably near tears.

She doesn’t even make an excuse, she just walks away, back towards her studio, the only place she might be able to find peace. They only have eyes for each other, anyway. They know what they want. Charlotte has spent two years hovering at the edge of a realization and a decision, treading water, keeping afloat, while Alex and Steph have moved forward.

Alex took that time to heal. To grow. Who knows how long she’s been in love with Steph, waiting for her to return, to be whisked away from this town once her broken body and heart had finally knit themselves back together? Charlotte should be okay with this. She was supposed to learn, after she divorced Liam, after she lost Gabe, not to rely on people sticking around for you. Instead, she just let Alex take his place in her life; a co-parent to Ethan, a shoulder to cry on, and…someone she loves.

Of course none of her Tinder matches have worked out. Of course she’s been finding excuses. She’s already in a relationship. It’s just one-sided, because she doesn’t have the fucking guts to risk her heart again, but she’s done it anyway.

She sits in a chair in her studio, staring at a blank canvas. She’s never even painted Alex. She wanted Alex to ask her, and then she could say ‘no charge,’ because that’s what Alex deserves, to be immortalized. Will another Chen leave her all alone, with nothing but photos and memories?

“Charlotte?” echoes through the empty building, and memories of another moment between Alex and Charlotte in this room crash into Charlotte, and she flinches like there’s a sword swinging overhead. Fuck. She noticed. This is over.

“Char?” comes next, quieter, from the doorframe, where Alex hovers with one hand behind her back.

“Hey. Sorry, just…thinking,” Charlotte says, clearing her throat. This is fine. Be happy for your friend. “So are you going up on stage soon? Did Steph successfully seduce you?”

Alex groans. “Fuck.”

“Fuck?” Charlotte repeats, furrowing her brow.

“I am so sorry about that whole…thing. Fuck.” Alex sighs and leans against the doorframe, covering her eyes with one hand.

“...You lost me,” Charlotte admits.

“It was all Steph’s idea,” Alex begins, still hiding her eyes from Charlotte. “And she sprung it on me last minute, and…”

“I figured that,” Charlotte says, sitting up in her chair and trying to figure out what Alex is getting at.

“Okay, here.” Alex straightens up and walks over, still keeping that hand behind her back, and then —

Then she thrusts a rose in Charlotte’s face.

Charlotte blinks. She opens her mouth and closes it again. Oh, God.

“I may or may not have spent the last year moaning to Steph about how I’m super into you, and I think you’re into me but you can be so hard to read, and apparently her idea for making something happen was to show up and flirt obnoxiously with me and make you jealous, I thought we were just play-flirting but then she saw you walk away and she said mission accomplished so I went, oh, fuck, grabbed this, and now…” Alex swallows. “Now I’m here.”

Charlotte feels numb. She takes the rose by the stem, twirling it between two fingers, staring into the petals.

“You’re scared,” Alex says softly, kneeling down in front of Charlotte’s chair, clasping her hands on Charlotte’s knee. “You don’t have to be. I’m not going anywhere.”

Charlotte takes in a deep breath. “Alex…” she whispers. She can’t look at Alex. Has to keep looking at the flower. Because if she sees Alex’s face—

“Look at me? Please?”

God dammit.

How does she do that?

Charlotte does look, though, and Alex’s eyes are that gorgeous light brown, almost orange, in the sunlight filtering in from outside. They’re wide open, and vulnerable, and hopeful.

And the thing about Alex is that she’s really not scary. The fear that Charlotte attaches to her isn’t because Alex is unreliable, or because she’s intimidating, or because she’s ever pushed Charlotte too far.

She was afraid to fall in love again. But she did anyway. And, fuck it, life is confusing and difficult and has been especially so for the past two years, but when a good thing dumps itself in your lap you don’t throw it away. Alex taught her that.

She finds herself smiling, and Alex smiles back. “So, um…what do you think?” Alex asks softly.

“I think…” Charlotte sets the rose down, leaning it against the leg of her chair. “That you should’ve done this last year.”

“Springfest was canceled!” Alex laments, closing her eyes and throwing her head back. “I had the idea, but—”

“You would have saved us both some time,” Charlotte teases, her heart pounding.

“I — I don’t know, I just…” Alex falters. “I picked up on how scared you were, Charlotte, and when I…when I feel that from someone else, I get scared too.”

“Well…what are you picking up now?” Charlotte asks, and deliberately thinks, as hard as she can, kiss me. Because while she’s never asked, she knows, just knows, that there’s something special about Alex, that lets her into your head whether you want her there or not, and whatever it is, Charlotte wants Alex to get the clearest message possible.

She’s been questioning. She’s been afraid. But if Alex just follows instructions, Charlotte is sure all her questions will be answered.

Alex stands up, slipping a hand into Charlotte’s to take them both to their feet. Alex’s hand loops around Charlotte’s neck, and draws her in.

Her lips are so soft. Charlotte closes her eyes, and lets herself feel, and she’s full to bursting with gold. She can feel it, just for a moment, pouring out of her and warming her body from the inside out, fingers tingling as they touch the small of Alex’s back.

Their lips come gently apart, and it somehow doesn’t feel like a loss, because stopping the kiss just means opening her eyes and seeing Alex again, looking so serene, smiling shyly. “Good guess,” Charlotte whispers, her nerves tingling with electricity, her fingers aching to run across Alex’s back and explore what she feels like. Because, despite the fact that Alex feels like home, none of this is familiar, and instead of filling Charlotte with fear, she’s…excited. The future doesn’t feel uncertain at all, with Alex in her arms.

“Not a guess at all,” Alex admits with a laugh, averting her eyes. “I…I have something I need to tell you.”

“Oh? Don’t you have to be on stage soon?” Charlotte teases.

“I had to cancel. I’ve got something more important to do,” Alex says, casually, though her grin betrays her. “I had to kiss a pretty girl.”

“That hardly seems like a set-long commitment.”

“It is if you’re doing it right,” Alex whispers, leaning into Charlotte’s ear.

“This is my first time doing it. I might need some lessons on doing it right,” Charlotte says, and Alex chuckles.

“You’re gonna give me a run for my money, huh?”

“I plan to.”

Alex kisses her again, and Charlotte kisses her right back, knowing that whatever comes next, whatever Alex has to share, this risk will pay off.