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"I'm just gonna grab that one on charms." Remus said, his back cricked as he stood up, Sirius was watching him, as he often did. Without really thinking at all- Remus leaned in to kiss Sirius.
Sirius leaned back, obviously only half paying attention. He kissed Remus. It wasn't a real kiss, more of a domestic, affectionate peck on the lips. But still a kiss. Both boys pulled back quite quickly- neither were expecting what had just happened at all. And both were quite shocked, Sirius slack-jawed and blanched. Remus wide-eyed and blushing. He turned, leaving Sirius, and rushed off in a very timely manner.
"What the in the absolute everloving fuck was that Pads?" James- the ever silent spectator to Sirius and Remus' idiocy- said after a few moments of tense silence. Sirius turned to his friend, a look of absolute mortification falling over his face.
"I've just fucking ruined it James. I've bloody ruined it haven't I?"
"Knobhead," James muttered affectionately, returning to his Charms essay.
"I'm going to have to kill myself, Prongs. I don't think I can ever face Remus again." Sirius near wailed, running his hands through his hair frantically.
"Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!" Remus murmured, walking as briskly as he could in the opposite direction of the library and the absolutely horrifying situation he just got himself into.
"Remus you fucking idiot. What the fuck was that? Shit! He fucking knows now. Shit. What the fuck am I going to fucking do. Shit." He muttered to himself as he near ran through the silent corridors. Sirius knew how he felt now, the one secret he still had, that he had been holding onto for dear life, and Sirius knew. Fuck.
Fuck. This was it, he could never face Sirius again. Sirius knew he was fucking gay, and he would probably never want anything to do with Remus again. Fucking pants.
Remus didn't come to dinner that evening, James hadn't expected him to. He also didn't return to the dorms that night, James half expected he wouldn't do that either. He was of course reacting in typical Remus fashion by avoiding a problem he faced. Sirius was reacting in typical Sirius fashion by sulking about and hanging around James in a very limp manner. His eyes had a sort of detached look to them, overthinking and overanalysing the afternoon's situation.
They were now just sitting together on one of the common room sofas, James was glad it was now empty save them, Sirius needed a good talking to.
"Padfoot," James said softly, laying a gentle hand on Sirius's shoulder to rouse him from whatever spiral he was in. Sirius looked at him a bit like a wounded dog, wary and exhausted and... wounded. James gave Sirius a small smile and kissed him quickly on the lips.
"See, no big deal. It'll be alright Pads, he'll come around." James gave him another small, encouraging smile. Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and nodded slightly.
"Thanks Jamie." Sirius said slowly, a lazy smile gracing his lips, laying his head on James' shoulder. "You a bender now as well or what?"
James laughed.
"Dipshit. I only kissed you to make you feel better."
"Yeah, well don't do it again. That was the single worst kiss I've ever experienced."
"Oh go fuck yourself Sirius. Like you were any better."
"I'll have you know, I am an excellent kisser, all the girls I've kissed have had very positive reviews."
"I highly doubt that."
"Fuck off Prongs. You're just jealous cause you didn't get a proper kiss off me."
"Tosser. You bloody wish."
Remus showed up to breakfast that morning. He was dishevelled and tired-looking, his hair mussed up and horrendous bags under his eyes.
"Alright, Moony?" James said carefully as Remus sat down next to Peter, the furthest seat from Sirius.
Remus only gave a small nod in acknowledgement, refusing to make eye contact with any of them.
"The fuck happened here then?" Peter asked after a few moments, glancing between the other three, hopeful for any sort of inclination as to what was going on.
"Don't you worry Petey, this is more of a matter between Pads and Moony." James said, also looking between the two, both of whom seemed intensely focused on their respective plates.
"Oh." Peter said, drawing out the word suggestively and making some crude hand gestures toward James in question. James gave Peter a knowing look and they both returned to their meals.
"Just talk to him Siri, why the fuck would he kiss you if he didn't like you too, you dipshit" James said, running a hand through his hair exasperatedly. He and Sirius were skiving last lesson, sitting by the Black Lake, Sirius was smoking but James didn't smoke, he planned on living a long and healthy life thank you very much.
"He can't like me James. Come on, he's Moony. He would never in a million years go for someone like me."
"Someone like you?" James asked incredulously, throwing a sideways glance at his best friend.
"Someone like me. I'm fucked in the head, Prongs." Sirius said tapping his head in a sort of aggressive manner, "I don't know how to handle things like love. He doesn't deserve that, Moony deserves someone with a beautiful soul, who would tell Remus he loves him everyday, and read his stupid old books with him, take care of him after a full moon, cuddle up with him at night and never ever even thing about hurting him."
"You do most of those things already Pads." James turned to Sirius now, a melancholy look on his face as he stared out at the lake and occasionly took a slow drag from his cigarette.
"But I do them as a friend. It's different when it's dating."
"No it's really not, Siri." James sighed, getting up and offering Sirius a hand up as well, he took it and James pulled him up. "Talk to him. I mean it, it'll hurt so much more if you don't, and you both deserve to be happy and hurt-free with each other. Now come on, dinner time."
That night all four marauders ended up being the last four in the common room, as they often were. But this night was different, because Sirius and Remus still weren't speaking, and James wanted to change that.
"-and so then he fucking fell right back into the puddle, caked in mud. It was the funniest shit I've ever seen, I couldn't stop laughing- you all really should've been there." Peter recited his story to all of them, laughing like a loon half the time and miming out all the appropriate bits, only James was laughing with him. Sirius only offered small smiles and snorts of amusement. And Remus seemed too engrossed in his book. James gave Peter one last hearty laugh before clapping him on the shoulder and rising from the sofa.
"Right Wormy, I reckon it's about time we head to bed now." Peter stood with James, Sirius gave him a look of indignation, but made no move, and Remus didn't seem to have noticed anything happened at all. James and Peter left the two to talk it out.
"Remus?" Sirius finally asked, James and Peter had been gone for about ten minutes now, and Sirius had been sitting and fiddling with his wand the whole time, trying to summon the courage to say anything. Remus didn't look to have hear Sirius.
"Remus?" Sirius asked again, louder this time. He only looked up from his book when Sirius gave him a small tap on his knee. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept properly for days, and his eyes held a certain unmistakable and deep rooted fear to them.
"Sirius." Remus said in reply, his voice uncharacteristically low, like he was trying to hide the fact he was scared.
"Can we talk?" Sirius asked. Remus gave a small nod in affirmation and put his book down, not quite looking Sirius in the eyes.
"I'm sorry- about what happened in the library the other day." Sirius said quietly, not quite knowing what to say at all, he hadn't planned it going this far.
"Oh. Yeah, I'm- sorry, too. It was stupid, and it didn't mean anything. Right?" Remus said, picking at a bit of loose skin by his nail.
"Oh. Yeah. Brilliant, so are we- like, okay?"
Remus nodded slowly in reply. "I'm going to bed now Pads, goodnight."
Wait. Shit. That can't be it. Was that it? Remus got up to leave, he couldn't go now.
"Wait. No- Um" Sirius said, not quite sure how to say the words he wanted to.
"What is it, Sirius," Remus asked, exasperatedly, finally looking Sirius in the eyes.
"I didn't- I wasn't, um- I'm not...-" Sirius cursed his stupid mouth for not saying the right things. Remus sighed and turned back, running a hand through his hair.
"You're not queer. I get it, don't worry Sirius, I didn't think you were. Is that all?"
"No! No, that's not it." Sirius finally got some proper words out of his naughty mouth.
"What is it then?" Remus snapped, turning back to face Sirius now properly, his eyes were red and a hit watery. Sirius got up, took a step toward Remus and then took one of Remus' hands, giving it a quick squeeze. This was it.
"I like you, Moony. Like I really really bloody like you. I want to kiss you- all the time, and I want to tell you how much it really is that I like you, I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever met. And I know you probably don't like me- and Merlin I sound like a third year girl. But, I would really really like to kiss you again Remus John Lupin, if you would let me." Sirius watched Remus' face morph from incredulity to disbelief and then finally, a soft look of longing.
"Are you being serious right now?" Remus asked, looking down at their linked hands. Sirius bit his lip, he couldn't do it- he mustn't, he wouldn't.
"Yes." He replied earnestly. Remus looked up, surprised, happy.
"Then yes, Pads. I like you too, and I sort of want to kiss you all the time as well."
"So may I kiss you now?" Sirius asked slowly, not taking his eyes away from Remus' ever so soft face.
"Yes you tosser, you may."
And so he did, and it was a million times better that any other kiss he'd ever had. Remus had wonderful lips, chapped and raw but in the most soft way. The kiss itself was slow, languid, every movement between them thought out and intensely passionate. Simply wonderful. Sirius never wanted it to end, but of course it had to, and Remus pulled back, breath heavy- and leaned his forhead against Sirius', their lips nearly touching. The position was painfully intimate, and Sirius loved it dearly.
"I think I want to do that every day for the rest of my life," Sirius whispered, eliciting a small smile and a huff of amusement out of Remus, who pulled Sirius impossibly closer by his hands which were wrapped around his waist- when had they gotten there?
"Idiot." Remus said with an air of finality, and kissed Sirius again.