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“Izuku.”
The boy in question startled, turning around and letting a small smile settle on his face. But Katsuki couldn’t bring himself to ignore the initial start the sound of his voice caused like he usually would.
“We- I need to talk to you.”
“Oh. Okay. What about?”
Katsuki glanced around. The hallway was empty, but still. “In private.”
“Uh, sure… Do you wanna come in my room? I haven’t really been in there yet…”
The churning in Katsuki’s stomach grew but he tried to shove it away. Fuck, keep it together. How are you gonna be the number 1 hero if you can’t do this shit? “Sure. It’s the same as before you left, no one wanted to touch any of your shit.”
“That was nice.” Dek- Izuku led him down the hall and opened his door, gesturing for Katsuki to go first. It felt wrong to enter his room before Izuku, but Katsuki didn’t feel like starting his conversation with unnecessary antagonisation, so he obliged.
Izuku stepped inside, glancing around the room before closing the door. “It really is untouched…” He walked over to his desk. “I should probably dust, huh?”
“Yeah, it looks like shit. Not unlike you.”
He managed a small laugh. “It does. Thanks for earlier, by the way. The… well, everything earlier.”
“Don’t fucking thank me.”
Izuku turned, fiddling with his hands like he always did when he was nervous. “If this about me leaving, I- I’m really sorry, I-”
“This isn’t about that,” Katsuki snapped. “You don’t owe me any fucking apologies.”
Izuku winced at his raised voice.
Katsuki took a deep breath, focusing on the slow rise and fall of his chest and feeling of his lungs expanding and contracting. He forced his guilt down and continued, voice steadier. “I’m not mad, relax. I just wanted to talk about something.” He leaned against the wall opposite Dek- Izuku, glaring out his window.
“I need to apologise.”
He glanced back at him for a split second, just long enough to note the confused expression on his face.
“For what, Kacchan? I mean, you’ve done so much-”
“You know damn well what!” He pinched the bridge of his nose and took another deep breath. Fucking. Keep it. Together. Katsuki. “For how I treated you. Before.”
“You already did, didn’t you? And I already knew, I mean, you stopped a while ago.”
“It wasn’t good. I didn’t want to get into it in front of all the other extras,” because I was too scared, too weak, “because it’s not their business. So, I’m fucking here now.”
“You really don’t have to, Kacchan, I already know.”
“Yes, I fucking do.” He took another deep breath, glaring back out the window again. His brain helpfully supplied a reminder about how eye contact was akin to vulnerability or some shit, which he promptly ignored. “Look, since you’ve been gone… since the whole Shigaraki fight, I got… a doctor. To talk to, about shit, and get advice and shit.”
“You’ve been in therapy?”
He scowled. “Whatever. I’ve been talking about stuff, and the shit with you… came up, and he said I should suck it up and actually apologise.”
“O- Oh. Well, if he thinks it’ll help…”
“That’s not the point!” Katsuki glared at him. “It’s not supposed to be about me, it’s supposed to be about you.”
Izuku blinked. “Um, okay?”
Fuck. Did he look as crazy as he felt? If D- Izuku thought this meant anything about his capabilities as a hero, Katsuki swore to every god in existence he’d end him. Wait, no, he’d… prove him wrong, or something. Ugh! Whatever.
He glanced around for a second before settling his gaze on his shoes. “Like I said earlier, I felt threatened by you. I guess I always thought Quirks were the only thing that mattered about people. You didn’t have one, so you didn’t matter. But you never… you never stopped trying, and I guess I thought that was strong, and only heroes were supposed to be strong. I don’t know, you just… confused me, and I felt threatened, so I beat you down. And I never even considered it wasn’t okay until recently.”
He paused to glanced up at Deku, who had that stupid look of pity on his face.
“Kacchan…”
He pushed himself off the wall. “Don’t! Don’t you f-” His voice caught in his throat when Dezuku jumped, tensing. “I- Fuck- Sorry, I’m not- I hate that look. I fucking hate it. It… feelslike you’re looking down on me,”
“Oh- I’m not! I swear. I think you’re really amazing, Kacchan. And I think it’s great you’re doing all this to understand yourself. I just feel so bad I never noticed…”
“It wasn’t your fucking job to understand my shit. But that’s not the point. The point is I hurt you because I thought you were weak, so that meant I could. But it didn’t work like I thought, and that made me angry, I guess because- because deep down it was scary, that I didn’t understand you and maybe I didn’t understand anything, so I just hurt you more. And I know apologies aren’t supposed to be me justifying myself, and I’m not, I just think you should know why I made your life hell all those years.”
“It’s alright, Kacchan.”
“It’s fucking not. That’s the point. I made your life hell for years because I felt threatened by you not fitting some… some idea I had of what you should be like. I told you were worthless, and useless, and could never amount to anything. I hit you and threatened you. I fucking used my Quirk on you, Izuku.”
“That’s- That’s not really fair, Kacchan, you never hurt me.”
“I never hurt you?”
“Well- I mean- You know! Maybe when we were kids, but you didn’t beat me up or anything. And you could’ve killed me with your Quirk if you wanted, but you had a lot of control and you never did any real damage.”
“I didn’t send you to the fucking hospital, someone give me a fucking medal. I did enough. Using my Quirk at all was illegal anyway, you could end my career if you wanted.”
“I would never do that!”
[Trigger Warning for suicide baiting mention]
“Well, maybe you should! Did you ever think about that, huh? You could tell the media about the shit I pulled and they’d make sure I never got a job again. I told you to jump off a roof. And I didn’t even feel bad about it until a month or two ago.”
[/Trigger Warning - Bakugou points out Midoriya could get revenge and ruin his career if he wanted, and how Bakugou wasn't even regretful until the last month or two]
“K- Kacchan…” De- Izuku took a breath. “I know. I know what you did wasn’t okay, but you’ve changed, and even when you were terrible you were still amazing in other ways! I’ve always admired you and I think you’ll be a great hero, I would never take that from you.”
“So? I’d still deserve it! Why won’t you just be mad at me? Why are you never mad at me?!”
“I was!!”
Katsuki nearly jumped in surprise.
Izuku’s wide eyes shone with what must be tears. “For fucking years, Kacchan, I was! I used to cry myself to sleep because I didn’t know what I’d done to make you hate me, I used to daydream about hurting you back or getting you expelled. I swear I hated you at Korusa,” Tears rolled down Izuku’s cheeks, “and at Aldera too, but I… I want to be your friend. You’re so cool, Kacchan, even at your worst I still wanted to be friends again.” That fucking smile appeared on his face, even as his shoulders shook with the effort to not cry.
Katsuki forced his conflicting whirlwind of emotions down, visualizing pummeling them into the ground with Explosion. That probably wasn’t a therapist-approved method of staying calm, but fuck it. Focus on the apology. All the advice and shit they’d gone over about how to apologise disappeared from his mind.
He took a quick breath. “Izuku.” He forced himself to make eye contact. “I bullied you. I put you down, threatened you, hurt you, and suicide baited you. You didn’t deserve any of that, even the tiniest goddamn bit, and I’m sorry .” Why the fuck were his eyes hurting now? “I’d take it all back if I could, but I can’t, and I’ll never talk to you again if you don’t want me to, but I’m s- sorry.”
“I don’t! I wanna be friends, Kacchan.”
He wiped his eyes in frustration. “Just accept the goddamn apology!”
“Okay! I accept your apology. I’m just glad we can be friends now.”
“No, I-” This was supposed to help, why did he feel worse? “I was fucking awful to you, get mad about it!”
Izuku frowned. “I’m not mad anymore, Kacchan.”
“You should be!”
“I told you, I was. I moved past it. We can be friends now.”
Katsuki scrubbed at his cheeks. Think logically. You’re fucking upset, so why? “You aren’t accepting it.”
“How are you wanting me to accept it?”
“I don’t know, I-” He took a shaky breath. “Does anyone know?”
“About… our past? I haven’t told anyone.”
“Have you ever?”
“Talked about it? I mean, it was kinda common knowledge, I didn’t really need to… Not that anyone really talked to me anyway.”
Katsuki winced, feeling like he’d been slapped. It’d been his fault everyone avoided Izuku–maybe not entirely, as his therapist wouldn’t stop pointing out, but enough. “Your mom?”
Guilt crossed Izuku’s features and he started fiddling with his hands again. “N- No… I think she kinda knew, but… not really the extent. I didn’t want to worry her.”
“Don’t you have to talk about stuff to deal with it?” He hated how unsure he sounded; admitting how useless he was at mental health.
“Well… I don’t know. I’m not mad anymore.”
“But-” Fuck. I’m here to apologise, not make him do shit. “Fine. Whatever. Just… talk to your friends about it. It’s… It’s not good to keep it a secret. If it’s ever bothering you, or something, just… do it.”
Izuku frowned. “I don’t think that’s a good idea… They’re kind of protective, they might try to get you in trouble, or tell everyone.”
“That’s not your business! It’s not like people like me anyway, just… Fuck, I’ve done enough, don’t try to protect me.”
He pursed his lips. “I already told you, I don’t want revenge or anything. You’re different now.”
Katsuki glared at him. “Ugh! Make them promise to keep it a secret, or talk to Kirishima. Or All Might; they already know. Just… don’t fucking keep it inside. It… hurts. Don’t let me hurt you any more than I fucking have.”
Realisation dawned on Izuku’s face, quickly replaced by a look of determination. “I might do that, actually. And, uh… thank you, Kacchan. I’m glad we can talk like this now.”
“Don’t get used to it,” he muttered. “I fucking hate this… emotion stuff.”
Izuku laughed. Genuinely laughed, because of something Katsuki said, which probably hadn’t happened since they were kids. Because Katsuki had ruined their whole friendship.
“That’s okay, Kacchan. You don’t have to talk about emotion stuff to me if you don’t want. I… get it, honestly, it’s probably extra weird. But I’m glad you’re trying.” He grinned. “And don’t forget about our promise. I’m gonna work hard to surpass you! And in the meantime, we’ll rely on each other to take down the villains.”
Katsuki let himself grin. “Oh? We’ll see how much of One For All you’ve really mastered when you start training with us again. If you aren’t careful, I might be taking down All For One myself.”
“We’ll have to see about that.”
“Hmph.” Katsuki walked toward the door. “Good luck with that, nerd.”
Then he froze with his hand on the knob. “Izuku.”
“Yeah, Kacchan?”
“You’re a self-sacrificing idiot who keeps refusing help and destroying yourself,” he drawled. “You don’t care about your own well-being at all.”
Izuku snorted. “Thanks, Kacchan. But I’m gonna try and get better at that.”
“I know.” He turned around, crossing his arms and hoping he didn’t look as scared as he felt. “But I need to know… You not caring about yourself. Is that… because of me?”
Izuku opened his mouth to respond, then closed it. He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I told you you were worthless. Do you still feel… like that? Is that why you always run in without giving two shits about what happens to you?”
“I’ve never really thought about it… I do feel worthless, sometimes, but it’s getting better. I have people who make me feel good about myself now, and that helps. I mean, I pushed them all away when I left, but…”
“But is the root of those feelings me?” God, he hated how desperate he sounded.
“I don’t… I don’t know. I think I’d want to save people regardless, even if it hurt. But I…” He bit his lip, looking guilty, as if it was his fault Katsuki was a piece of shit. “I don’t think I can say you didn’t have anything to do with it.”
Katsuki nodded, some feeling he couldn’t identify setting heavily on his chest. It wasn’t like he didn’t already know, but… fuck. “I’m sorry for that too,” he said, too quietly.
Izuku’s expression softened. “I know.”
He twisted the knob, pushing the door open. “Just… talk about it to someone. I don’t care who, or how much they hate me. Don’t keep it in. Or… ignore me, I guess, I’m not good at this shit.”
“I think I will… Thanks, Kacchan. I never really thought about it. I appreciate you looking out for me.”
He rolled his eyes, standing in the doorway. “Get used to it. You’ll need me to keep your sorry ass from getting killed before you can fulfil that big fancy destiny of yours.”
Izuku chuckled. “It’s good to know you have my back.”
“Just go to sleep. A bath and a nap didn’t fix you looking like shit.”
“I will. You go to sleep, too.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, Izuku.” The name sounded strange in his mouth, said the way he once would’ve said “Deku,” but it wasn’t awful.
“Kacchan?”
Nerves fluttered briefly in Katsuki’s stomach. “Yeah?”
“I forgive you.” Izuku rubbed his arm. “I know I kinda already said that, I just wanted to make sure you knew. For sure. No misunderstandings.”
“Right. Uh… thanks. I guess.”
He closed the door, making it to the elevator before more tears started flowing. All of his emotions twisted and tangled themselves up inside. He couldn’t even identify what the physical sensations were, or whether he felt good or bad or maybe both, he just knew he couldn’t stop crying and he hoped to god no one heard him.
Izuku had forgiven him.
And fuck, he didn’t deserve it, but his therapist said that was the point of forgiveness, so maybe it was…?
The elevator doors opened at his floor, and Katsuki thanked every god in the universe that the hallway was empty. He briefly considered hiding in his room and just texting Kirishima that he was done, but Kirishima would knock on his door to check on him anyway and Katsuki’s will to isolate himself would crumble.
So he knocked on Kirishima’s door, which promptly swung open.
“Hey, man!” Kirishima’s cheery attitude softened a bit at the sight of Katsuki being a complete fucking mess. “You okay?”
Katsuki wiped at his eyes, cheeks burning with shame he forced himself to ignore. “I think. I did it. I apologised. He said he forgave me.”
Kirishima grinned. “That’s good!”
“Yeah…” He scrubbed his cheek, a crazy urge to laugh overtaking him. “It- It is.”
Maybe it was okay. Or, as close to okay as it could be.