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A/N: Scrying Scrimshaw here. I'm a diehard Jaspis shipper, but in the way where I think they're terrible for each other and it's more fun to write angst than anything else.
Anyway, please feel free to leave any critique on my writing if you have any. I'd like to get better at writing, and that will happen much quicker with input from others.
Can I go home yet? Lapis Lazuli sighed as she followed Peridot and Bismuth through the Beach City Summer Fun Carnival. She didn't want to be there surrounded by screeching children and dazzling lights. Scarcely a second would pass before some human bumped or some child barreled into her. She couldn't think of a single reason why carnivals were supposed to be enjoyable.
Yet, she didn't want them pestering her anymore, so she let them choose a "fun" thing for her to do with them.
Normally, they wouldn't have pried so perversely into her privacy, but they had been worried about her since Steven left. Her idea of recovering from his departure was to sit inside, paint and sleep.
Their ideas involved going out into public.
And the more she said no, the more she was needled about going out with them.
She had said no to enough parties and movies that they decided to come over three times a week to beg her to go outside. And while her will was strong, her threshold for annoyance was not and she was tired of making excuses to stay home.
Naturally, Lapis had accidentally said "fine" to the worst activity they had suggested yet. The constant stimulation was driving her insane.
The carnival wasn't much more than Funland with dozens of extra games and rickety rides slapped on the end of it. Rides were anchored to the power grid with a mess of cords and cables that Peridot pointed out and scoffed at. Prizes were cheap pieces of fabric filled with the minimum amount of cotton to qualify as stuffed. And yet, everyone in town was there.
...However, she did have to admit, it was fun to see Peridot and Bismuth enjoying themselves so much. And, it felt nice to feel included.
A massive purple hand clapped down onto her thin shoulder. She looked straight up to see Bismuth looming behind her, grinning. "Peridot and I have a little game going. You wanna be referee?"
Lapis raised an eyebrow, half-enticed. "And what does the winner get?" No game was fun without stakes.
"The chance to brag until next year's carnival! The glorious title of Carnival Games Champion! And, all the prizes we win!" Peridot chimed in, appearing in front of Lapis and shaking her balled fists.
There was no way that Peridot of all gems could lose count of her victories.
"What do you need me for?" Lapis asked incredulously.
Bismuth narrowed her eyes as she raised them to the goblin in front of her. "To keep some of us from cheating."
"I do not cheat at games, so much as use my powers to balance out your unfair advantage of being four times my size!" Peridot was indignant at the accusation. "Isn't that right, referee?"
Lapis smirked to herself. This might actually be fun. "She does have a point, Bismuth..."
Bismuth conceded defeat as Peridot cackled. Lapis smiled as she looked around, wondering what games would prove more instigating than others -- when she got bored or annoyed, she'd have to take them to something weighted more in Peridot's favor than Bismuth's.
And there was a lot of ammunition lying about.
She turned back around to suggest something involving water guns that looked fun to find them already running off towards two towering poles of metal. Eager to watch the ensuing argument, she followed at her own pace, bobbing between throngs of humans.
Burly quartzes were waiting in the line in front of them, guffawing and slapping each other. The pole on the left had a hastily-constructed sign in front of it, declaring that no gems were allowed to use the smaller pole. The operator watched with dull eyes as gem after gem smashed the weight into the bell at the top of the tower twice the size of the other.
When Bismuth stepped into the small fence surrounding the game area, she was handed the hammer but asked to use her own.
The operator gave her a bemused lookover then shrugged, stepping aside to let Bismuth in.
She stretched and contorted her right hand into a hammer, the weight skyrocketing into the bell and reverberating throughout the entire carnival.
Peridot scoffed. "I can beat that."
Lapis grinned. "I'm sure you can." She stood beside Bismuth, whose cocky smirk only egged Peridot on.
The green gem took the sledgehammer from the attendant with her metal powers, who seemed to take minimal interest in the metallurgist. She spun the hammer for some extra oomph, then for the flair, and sent it smashing into the target.
To Lapis' utter shock, the bell dinged.
Bismuth had to pick her jaw off the floor but congratulated Peridot on their tie.
"Referee! Are we tied, or are their points for drama?" Peridot asked, striking a pose and winking.
"Hmm... you didn't specify the winning conditions before you played, so..." Lapis trailed off, faking contemplation. "A tie this time, since dramatic flair wasn't included in the rules before."
Peridot grumbled to herself, then instantly spotted her next target. She bolted after it, dragging Bismuth along with her.
Lapis smirked to herself as she turned to follow them, but froze.
A shock of orange lurched further back in the line.
The crashing waves beneath her surged as Lapis backed away, sending mist between the planks of the boardwalk. Her back hit the railing of the game area and she whipped around, expecting to see the orange shadow she spotted in her periphery behind her.
When she wasn't there, Lapis ran parallel to the railing, between the game and another booth. The ocean was so close, all she had to do was get there and she would be safe--
A hand on her shoulder.
Lapis reflexively tensed, doing everything to keep from wailing on her -- she had hurt her enough. She didn't need to hurt her more. She wanted nothing more than to send a pillar of water up behind her and knock her assailant into the sky, but she didn't deserve that.
Frozen.
"You alright there, Laz?" Bismuth's soft voice crooned, moving her hand. "Didn't mean to startle you."
"I'm fine," Lapis spat.
"Look, if you wanna go home, you're allowed to-"
"It's not that," Lapis sighed, her voice softening. Monster. "I-- thought I saw Jasper."
"Oh."
The waves surged, Lapis feeling their pull in her gem. She wanted to dive into their depths and return to where she belonged.
"Do you wanna..." Bismuth trailed off, clearly trying to bring her some comfort.
"No, no. We can go back." She turned and looked up at her massive friend, who regarded her with trepidation. If you feel bad, I'm not the one you should feel bad for. "Someone needs to knock Peridot's cockiness down a notch."
Bismuth smiled. "Now that sounds like the little blue I know." Bismuth turned to go further down the pier, looking back for Lapis.
Lapis crossed her arms over her midriff. She padded after her friend, keeping her eyes on the moonlight ocean. The waves calmed, the foaming crests dying to lapping rolls.
Peridot was already hurling a series of whiffle balls into a set of pipes, swearing each time one failed to land in a colored pipe. The attendant shied as far away from the irate gem as possible, pushing into the canvas of the tent. They looked at Lapis and Bismuth with pleading eyes and hands held up.
Bismuth brought them no solace.
The attendant sighed and laid out Bismuth's set on the box in front of her.
Lapis struggled to keep her eyes on the game. The urge to turn, to fly into the air, to survey was almost irresistible. But, she was referee. Her friends trusted her because they didn't trust each other, and she would be damned if she felt any need to not pay attention to them.
One game later, Bismuth walked away gloating and Peridot fumed.
The night was a blur of games, accusations of cheating and Lapis lugging around a small horde of cheap stuffed animals. She didn't mind being their packing mule. She thought the games were dumb, and she had more fun watching the hypercompetitive Peridot losing to the naturally-talented Bismuth. There did come a point where she was running low on arm space, and the two were running out of new booths to compete at. Conveniently, they were at a tie.
"How about this last one wins the title?" she suggested, using a water arm to point out a strange tent with fake plastic fish snapping at the air around them. "Then we can go have some real fun."
"Hmm... a game of chance. I think this is a proper way to end our competition!" Peridot announced after researching the fishing game. She rushed over to the tent, politely demanded a pole, and went to work analyzing every toy fish as it gaped in the table.
Bismuth asked for a pole for herself, snagged a yellow toy fish without hesitation, and presented it to the attendant. He glanced inside it, congratulated her, and went into the loft to retrieve a massive stuffed chicken. Bismuth beamed down at Peridot, who narrowed her eyes.
Miraculously, she snagged another large.
The game attendant paused as he scrutinized the three of them, decided he didn't care if they were cheating, and retrieved an identical cheap stuffed bird for Peridot.
The two competitors congratulated each other on their tie and Lapis breathed a sigh of relief.
As the night had gone on, she had sworn she had seen Jasper skulking around somewhere in the crowd again. She was grateful for an excuse to go home and hole up for the night.
"So, I can take these back for you and I'll see you tomorrow--"
Peridot interjected. "But I thought you wanted to go to the rides after dropping these off? I have a set of booster shoes at home I want to use to sneak onto the roller coaster..."
Lapis froze as she looked into Peridot's pleading eyes.
God damn it, how is she able to do that? "...Fine. Can you at least help me get these home?"
"Sure thing! Bismuth, don't wait up!"
Bismuth, who had been stepping to catch up with them, shrugged and waved them off.
As the din of the carnival grew quieter in the background, Lapis felt better and better. She might have been having a good time with her friends, but nothing was as blissful as silence.
"So. You were acting strange tonight," Peridot stated, half-waddling after insisting on carrying all of her toys in her tiny arms.
Peridot was a hell of a lot harder to lie to than Bismuth, so Lapis didn't even try. "...Jasper was there. I saw her a few times."
"Ah." Peridot adjusted the pile of toys in her arms as she avoided eye contact. "Well, if that's the case, you can stay home, if you really want to."
"No, it's alright. She'll probably be gone by the time we get back. It's getting late." Lapis avoided saying she really wanted to stay home. She was a coward, she knew it, and she didn't want to hide from all of her problems for the rest of her life. Or, I should say, run away from them.
"I miss Steven." Peridot teared up.
Fuck, please not now. "I miss him too," Lapis curtly replied. Emotions tended to piss her off, and she didn't want any more of them to rear up tonight. Steven was going to be a sore subject for a very long time.
At long last, they arrived at their houses. Lapis opened up her door with a water wing and tossed Bismuth's pile haphazardly by the door, resisting the want to meticulously arrange them and stay home to paint them. She would title it A Successful Hunt and gift it to Bismuth for the upcoming human holidays. And, it would take hours, meaning she had to stay in for the rest of the night...
"Maybe you'd feel better if you apologized to her," Peridot suggested, giving Lapis a start. The blue gem wondered how the green gem could have moved so quickly and quietly.
"And what good would that do?" Lapis snapped, her voice sounding indignant. "That hasn't helped us!"
Things hadn't been the same between the two of them after Lapis ran away with the barn. The blue gem had tried desperately to restore their relationship to what it had been before, but no amount of apologies or surprises could undo the damage she did when she abandoned her best friend. Time was making it better, but it wasn't doing so fast enough.
Peridot crossed her arms and looked away. Her jaw was clenched and her shoulders were hunched. "It at least felt good to know that you actually felt bad for what you did."
She turned and left, leaving Lapis hanging in her doorway.
Driving her away again. Hey, at least you aren't the one leaving this time!
Lapis fluttered into the air and landed in front of Peridot, guarding herself with crossed arms. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you."
Peridot met her eyes despite Lapis trying to avoid eye contact. She then fell into her, the blue gem stepping back to steady them. "I know we aren't back to normal. I don't know if we ever can be," she said into the blue gem's top.
Lapis tried to think of something to say.
"...You have this... thing," Peridot continued, hugging tighter. "Where you like to pretend everything is fine, until I point out something that isn't. And then, you yell at me! And I end up being the one who feels like a clod!" She sighed, knotting her hands together and wringing them. "Maybe, we won't ever be back to what we were before... but maybe, that's a good thing."
"I'm sorry, Peridot." Lapis' voice was unusually soft considering how heightened her emotions were. When she was this hurt, seas would clash and she would scream. "I know I have to be a better friend."
"Thank you," the green gem mumbled.
Once Lapis had her fill of physical contact, she gently pulled away from her short friend and looked down at her. "I think you're forgetting something."
Peridot scrunched her eyebrows together. "What?"
"Don't you want to try out the roller coaster?"
Peridot's eyes lit up and she scampered back home.
Lapis smirked to herself as she heard a series of crashes and bangs.
You were making her feel like shit the entire time you lived together. And she was too scared of you to say anything about it. A snide laugh echoed in her skull as she went to learn against the tower. She watched with detached eyes as she saw items fly on the other side of green-tinted windows and heard several muffled swears. Her own voice bounced about, reminding her of the many, many atrocities she had committed, and those she was bound to commit again. What do you think Jasper would be too scared to say to you?
She shuddered and fought against her will to go live out the remainder of her days in an oceanic trench.
"You good there, Lapis?" Peridot was suddenly in front of her again, taller.
Lapis looked down at Peridot. But she didn't look down as far as usual.
Platform boots.
Lapis lost it.
"What?" Peridot asked, insulted. "Spinel insisted that these are peak human fashion! And, they do the job! I am exactly forty-eight and a half inches, which is half an inch above the height requirement for The Appalachian!"
"Of course, Spinel told you that. The boots are fine, but with the rest of your outfit--" She collapsed into laughter again as Peridot continued to try to explain their tactfulness and tastefulness. "You look adorable."
Shit.
Lapis froze as Peridot's hair ruffled and she bared her unusually sharp teeth. "I am not cute, nor any synonym for the word! I am intimidating! I am punk! I am tall!"
Too close. Lapis breathed out a sigh of relief, glad that Peridot hadn't questioned her exact choice of words. Well, she was questioning them, but not for the reasons she feared she would have.
The two made their way back to the carnival, Peridot teetering uneasily with the additional couple inches to her height. Lapis had to wait for her on a few occasions when she fell behind.
"...And that is just one of many additional functions of human clothes! At least, when it comes to male garments."
"You know, it is pretty boring looking the same every day. Maybe we can go to one of those 'thrift stores' some day soon," Lapis suggested, wondering what her aesthetic might be classified as.
The garble of hundreds of voices grew steadily as they walked down the beach front. "Hey, Peridot?"
"Yes, Lapis?" she said after catching her balance with a nervous exclamation. She seemed to have a hard time keeping traction on the sand.
"Thank you. For being such a good friend. Especially when I didn't deserve it."
"Well, I think you deserve it now. And maybe that's what really matters."
A wave crashed into the sandbar and showered them in sea foam.
Despite Peridot's insistence, she was not, in fact, tall enough for every ride at the carnival.
Much to her dismay, she was still too short to be allowed on a handful of spinning rides that made Lapis' proverbial stomach churn just looking at them. And for that, Lapis was beyond thankful.
She found most of the rides mediocre at best, and the lines to get on them insufferable. So many bodies cramped far too close to her. They didn't compare to flying and their lurching made Lapis uneasy, as if a car might break off and fly into the ocean at any moment.
Peridot seemed to have her will crushed when she discovered that The Appalachian had been replaced by The Alp. She was still able to enjoy a ride on The Alp, but seemed deflated that she couldn't ever experience the precursor.
Mr. Smiley took tickets for the ride, checked restraints, and operated it. In between jokes about existential despair and quips about the night's power outages, he explained to a despaired Peridot how the previous operator had broken the ride. He was now the only person he trusted to run it. He congratulated Peridot on her growth spurt and allowed her into the queue, and her mood turned around.
"I might be able to receive the same experience that Amethyst and Steven did during out visit. But, I can say I am the first to conquer this particular monster of wood and metal!" She buckled in her belt and pulled down on the lap bar, making sure it was snug and smacking it excitedly.
"Mhm." Lapis kept her eyes on the crowd, despite knowing that looking for something she didn't want to see wouldn't help her. "Looks way more dangerous too."
"Nonsense! The illusion of danger is only meant to stimulate the human adrenal glands. Incidents on high-powered circuit--"
Mr. Smiley began to administer safety instructions over a voice com and the car lurched out of the station. Peridot screeched and went from beating on the safety bar to wrapping around Lapis' arm.
"What were you saying there?" Bismuth leaned forward, her grin mischievous.
"That... I've been hit by Garnet before, and any possible incidents that might occur on this ride would pale in comparison! Oh my stars oh my stars oh my--" Peridot's chanting grew in volume as they ascended the lift hill.
Lapis looked out into the bay. The moon, now obscured by clouds, continued to dance on the water.
The view the peak of the lift hill afforded was nothing compared to being thousands of feet in the air on a cloudless night. Peridot's screaming, while amusing, wasn't blissful like the way the silence of a thin atmosphere was. The breeze of the wind through her hair was no hurricane rushing through her entire form, reaching into her gem itself. The turns were sharp and sudden, not graceful and swooping. The sudden, jerking stop at the end was far less enjoyable than elegantly touching down to the ground after a flight.
And at the end of the ride, Lapis found herself wanting to go back on. These roller coasters seemed to be far less thrilling than a midnight flight, but... it was refreshing to not be in control.
Peridot was even more enamored.
Her triangular hair had been flattened and blown backwards. "That was..." Seldom did Peridot struggle for words. "Perhaps the most exhilarating, the most daring, the most fantastic experience I've had since I singlehandedly took on Blue Diamond!"
"I dunno. If I wanted to get knocked around, I'd just call Pearl," Bismuth grumbled. "Those seats aren't designed for bigger gems. Can we find something slower?"
"Define slower. Do you mean something like that?" Peridot pointed to something with spinning cars mounted on a spinning axis. Technically, it did look like it moved slower than the roller coaster.
"Absolutely not. Why not that one?" Bismuth pointed to a wheel at the other end of the carnival.
Peridot groaned. "Could we at least go for the bigger version of that one?" She gestured to the larger, permanent Funland replica of the wheel in question.
"That one's here all year 'round. Besides, that line's way too long."
Peridot ceded, and Lapis, indifferent, followed the two of them.
An attendant, this one another Peridot with ovular hair, stopped the three before at the start of the queue. "Greetings, fellow gems! I'm here to make sure the wheel stays balanced -- who wants to ride with who?"
Peridot stepped forward and the two excitedly babbled at each other. Lapis could glean nil from their highly technical jargon. Bismuth, seemingly able to understand and interested in the device, asked Peridot if she'd indulge her.
"Sure thing! One Peridot and one Bismuth for one car, and one Lapis Lazuli in another, please!"
"Are you okay with riding with someone else, Lazuli? We don't let single riders on when it's so busy."
Lapis chuckled at the familiarity of the nickname. "Sure, whatever."
Bismuth and Peridot discussed the carnival installment as they waited in the queue. Lapis continued to be lost and allowed herself to dissociate as she stared into the distance.
This wheel was far closer to the ocean than the other had been, and while she had seen the sight a thousand times, Lapis never grew sick of an ocean view. She always found the time to appreciate the beauty of night on the water, and did so as Bismuth and Peridot boarded ahead of her. The moon, almost completely shrouded in wisps of cloud, was only a faint glow in the surface of the water. She stared wistfully at it as she was directed to her seat, enchanted at the way light fragmented and reflected.
When the seat tilted beneath an enormous weight, she almost wasn't annoyed as she balanced herself and went to greet her companion for the ride.
Almost.
She went to protest, but the ride was already moving by the time she realized she wasn't having a nightmare after falling asleep on a boring ride.
Her wings materialized and she went to take off, but the crackling of a bullhorn interrupted her. "Please remain seated until you are dismissed by a ride attendant."
Lapis' knuckles went cyan as she wrapped them around the safety bar that would prove very, very easy to get around. 'Maybe you'd feel better if you apologized to her'.
"I'm sorry, okay?" Great job of being nice, jackass.
The gem beside her, sullen and silent, stared out into the bay with her arms crossed over her chest. Maybe it was just her imagination, but Lapis swore that her eyes were wider than usual as she gazed into the depths of the water.
"Sorry for what?" Her voice gruff and accusatory.
Gruff and hurt, you dumb bitch.
Lapis had to take a breath before talking so she didn't flip the fuck out while trying to apologize. "Everything."
Jasper scoffed. "You're not sorry. You're only saying that because now, you're the one stuck with me."
"I am sorry!" Lapis shrieked and the ocean roared. "You have no idea how terrible I feel over how I treated you!"
"You sure sound sorry."
The wheel stopped and Lapis felt a growing dread gnawing at her.
She could very easily solve her current problem by leaving. There was no way the attendant could stop her, and she doubted the wheel would collapse if a single gem were to take off into the night. Her wings had only just popped out when Jasper spoke again.
"Running away, like always."
"What do you want from me?"
Jasper looked over at her and Lapis shrunk under her gaze. Her eyes weren't angry, they weren't hurt. They seemed empty, almost dumbfounded. "Nothing."
Lapis looked back out into the water as they resumed spinning in the air. So close but so far.
"...I'm sorry for using you." This is supposed to make me feel better?
She dismissed her with a scoff. "You didn't use me. I was the one who wanted to be stronger."
"But I consented, and I did use you." Lapis choked back tears. "Taking you as my prisoner was what I told myself I could do to keep Steven safe, but... I think I just used that as an excuse to take all my anger out on someone. Anyone."
The wheel reached the ground again and Lapis hoped that this time, it would be the revolution where she could get off. But she began to rise back into the sky.
"You had a lot of anger."
Lapis glanced over at her, jaw clenched and ready to defend herself. There you go, blame everyone but yourself again. Her shoulders slumped a little, somewhat looser than before. "You were right. What you said to me when you found me out on the boat."
"You mean when I stalked you?" Jasper hugged herself tighter and her eyes looked like they might set the tent they penetrated on fire.
"Yeah." Lapis couldn't fight the sarcasm from leaking into her voice. "That time."
Jasper shifted, moving further away. "What was I right about?" Those eyes, burning with a frigid fire, were turned to her. Boring through her, burning her.
A part of Lapis told her that Jasper knew the answer, and only wanted to hear her admit it. And maybe, she deserved that much. "...I can be a monster." Her voice trembled and tried to break. Lapis felt something shifting inside of her, but she buried it deep within herself. Whatever emotions were arising within her subconscious, they could be dealt with at a more appropriate time. Don't you dare cry.
The orange gem snorted.
Another revolution passed and another pause of the wheel began.
"My Diamond told me you could technically be called an abuser. Do you agree with that?"
Lapis felt her head spin and her vision began to blur. One of her best friends. Her savior, and the person she saw herself the most in. And he knew all those horrific things that Lapis had said and done to Jasper?
Despite her violent urge to go and hide, to be anywhere but there, to do anything but face her problems, Lapis felt the question was genuine.
"I..."
What was an abuser? Someone who hurt another to feel better about themselves? Someone who was more bad than they were good to a partner? Someone who knew better than to do what they did, but did so anyway? "I'm really good at hurting others. Because I want to, or just because I don't care about their feelings. I don't even know who I've fucked up the most. You, while we were Malachite. Or Peridot, when I stole her whole world. Or Malachite, because she was just our hatred..."
"Malachite is gone, will always be gone, and you are avoiding my question."
"What does it matter to you? It's not like an answer will make you feel any better." The sarcasm was edging into her voice again despite her knowing it just made her into more of a bitch.
"What if it would?"
The moon called to her. The bottom of the ocean cried out for her. Anywhere but being trapped there with Jasper sounded simply blissful... but running away had fixed so much for her, and Jasper was the one who was truly trapped. "Yes."
Jasper grunted.
Lapis happened to risk a glance just as a tear slid down Jasper's cheek, and Jasper had happened to be looking at Lapis. Jasper looked away and Lapis felt herself tense as she looked at her ex. Truly saw her for the first time since they were a part of Malachite.
The strange green swirls made her feel violently ill -- did she get corrupted? And how? The thin cracks in her stripes and faint tear in her clothes told Lapis something absolutely awful had happened to her. Very few things that happened to gems were horrific enough to cause permanent form damage.
"You didn't see that," Jasper told her, voice rougher and louder than it had been for their entire conversation.
"See what?" Lapis lied.
The noises of the carnival sounded painfully muffled and distanced. Lapis was shocked to find herself longing for the chaos of the carnival to envelop her again.
"Now that we have some answers," Jasper began as the wheel descended to the bottom of its arc and remained there. "Can we agree to never speak to each other again?"
Lapis stopped. "What... what if I want to see you again?"
Jasper stopped as she stepped out of the car, Bismuth and Peridot staring with wide eyes and slack jaws. She didn't turn to her when she spoke. "I don't." She continued on her way, never looking back.
A/N: I stan Lapis, but she can be such a terrible person. She's getting better... but the people she fucked up deserved (canon) closure.