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At 1AM the two of them gave up and got out of bed to have a cup of hot chocolate. “I’ll get it,” said Jungwon, and Jay smiled at him, letting his hand fondly brush against Jungwon’s nape, his gesture of thanks, then he walked up to the couch. There he sat down, dragging one foot up.
“You sure you want chocolate?” he heard Jungwon half-yell in the kitchen, “Don’t want coffee?”
Jay threw his head back, shivered, closed his eyes for a second, and stretched his neck. “Yeah, sure,” he said finally, opening his eyes with effort.
“What?”
“Coffee,” said Jay, a little louder, “I’ll have coffee.”
When Jungwon returned to the living room, Jay smiled. Jungwon’s face didn’t look tired at all. Jungwon might as well look like he had just woken up from a ten hour peaceful sleep. And Jay envied that. As he had envied a lot of things about Jungwon before.
Envy, what an ugly word . But not in this case. Not exactly. Envy was what Jay had come up with, before, when he struggled with coming to terms with his feelings.
Jungwon placed the two mugs on the coffee table. “Careful, it’s a little hot.”
Dusty, ivory light warmed the living room, and Jungwon, Jay observed, almost looked ethereal in it.
Jay dropped his foot back onto the floor, and he leaned forward, taking his hot, foamy coffee in hands. He smelled it, and pleasurably closed his eyes at the creamy aroma. Then, feeling shy all of a sudden because he thought he had just made himself look like one of those in TV commercials, he quickly said, “Thanks, Jungwon.”
“Be right back.”
“What?"
“Pizza from last night. I’ll microwave it.”
Jay’s face cleared. He smiled. “Amazing.”
“Pizza is always amazing.”
“No,” said Jay, “I meant you.”
Jungwon stared at him for a moment, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He seemed to be deciding whether Jay was joking or not. But when Jay said nothing more, he smiled it off, then walked away wordlessly. He came back with three big slices of pizza that he had set, not on a plate, but on a tray, on top of which he’d laid two pads of tissues, then the pizza.
Jay didn’t realize how hungry he was until he had his first bite. He told Jungwon this.
“Yeah,” said Jungwon, smiling as he chewed, then, swallowing, “That’s how your system wants you to make up for the sleep it’s supposed to be feeding on.”
Jay took that in a little longer than he usually would have, and when he got it, that, coupled with another realization that the lack of sleep was making him slow in thought, made him chuckle. He took another bite, peering at Jungwon, at his face, at how it glowed with a smile, a proud one, the one he always wore when he knew he was being a smarthead and he knew he’d made people laugh–when he knew he’d made Jay laugh.
Jay had known Jungwon long enough to be sure that Jungwon was going to be a part of his life forever, or at least for a very, very long time, and yet everyday, Jungwon surprised him. Everyday, Jungwon added another layer. Everyday, Jungwon was a new Jungwon.
“You do realize,” said Jungwon, “that with that,” he pointed at the coffee in Jay’s hand, “you won’t be able to go back to sleep.”
Jay grinned. He took a sip of his coffee. Then, “Watch me.”
Jungwon smiled, looked away. He, too, took a sip of his hot chocolate.
Jay thought there was something proverbial about that smile. Like it was a different one, a special one, and he had seen it before but couldn’t quite remember when exactly, but had collected it anyway, as if smiles were a thing to be collected, and had labeled that smile: ‘For me.’
Ah. Yes. That day.
The confession was nothing like a confession. Nothing like it at all. And it happened through a channel, through a mutual friend. And funnily enough, it was Jay himself who had initiated it, little did he know. It was like doing something reckless, and when it was over he didn’t know what he had just done.
‘... Is Jungwon seeing someone?’ That was all it took. He had asked this question himself. To a friend they were having lunch with that day, outside. Prior to that moment they had been talking about their friend’s new boyfriend, how it took her only two weeks to move on from the last one, and now there she was, being escorted by another.
She had waved them off, smiling proudly at them, and playing coy, and no matter how Jay and Jungwon tried to get her to say more about her new boytoy, and a little about her ex( Where is he now? from Jay, and Or where did you dispose his boy from Jungwon, and they laughed), she wouldn’t give in.
So Jay had turned the mic to Jungwon instead, albeit indirectly, addressing the question to their friend instead. ‘How about Jungwon? Is Jungwon seeing someone?’
And Jay would never in a million years expect what would happen next. Jungwon had looked at him, getting his attention, and then had said, with an easy smile, “ Isn’t this a date? ” And when Jay only blinked at him, partly confused, Jungwon had looked at their friend and repeated, “I thought we were having a date. Up until you decided to come, of course.”
She had looked at Jungwon, and they exchanged knowing smiles, and when it seemed to have dawned on her whatever it was that Jungwon wanted her to get, she had giggled, raising her palm for Jungwon to clap on, and Jungwon, smiling sheepishly, at Jay, clapped it.
Afterwards when Jay asked him what that was about, Jungwon had only smiled, not looking at him. ‘Come on, Jungwon,’ Jay had stopped him from walking, and Jungwon had looked at him, patiently, expectantly, as if he’d been in this game for a very long time, and Jay was just another rookie player he’d fought against before, ‘Tell me what happened back there . ’
‘Why? What happened back there? ’ Jungwon had a smile on his face that told he was enjoying this.
And Jay, not wanting to look and sound foolish any further then, had shook his head with a smile, letting it go, and started walking again.
The trick worked. Because then Jungwon finally said, ’It is what it sounds like.’
‘What?’
‘What I said.’
He had stopped again. He was already a few steps ahead of Jungwon. ‘What?’ he repeated.
That moment the mask slid from Jungwon’s face, and Jay thought Jungwon had even blushed. ‘Never mind.’
‘ No, sorry, just… What do you mean it is what it sounds like? ’
They had resumed walking at that point, with Jungwon keeping his head down, no longer confident, and Jay watching him, with a smile. Back then he didn’t know why he was smiling, especially at the expense of Jungwon’s discomfort, but now he realized why: that though he was baffled then, some voice in his head had told him, reminded him really, that he’d always known Jungwon to have a crush on him, because Jungwon himself had told him that more than once.
It would always go as a joke, of course, or at least Jay made it so, in his head, maybe so he could sleep better at night. But since then, since the day after that lunch, he’d started seeing Jungwon differently. It was as though Jay was suddenly watching what was once a black and white canvas began to slowly color itself, and the colors began to appeal to Jay, and he couldn’t look away.
And then he began to notice things. About Jungwon. Little things. The tiniest of details. Details he’d never thought were important before. And the longer they spent time together, the more the details stood out. At first he’d thought, this was normal, because it wasn’t like he was the only one who found Jungwon cute, or found his dimples cute, wasn’t the only one who was easily infected by Jungwon’s sunny disposition, wasn’t the only one who felt like he wanted to protect him, cradle him to safety.
And somehow, all these observations(feelings), Jay had managed to call his ‘little envies’. All these things he found appealing about Jungwon he’d assessed to be qualities that he might wished he had. That was it. Nothing more.
But the more he denied it, and the more he called it something else, the stronger the feelings got. And though he would try so hard to believe that it was the natural pull of being ‘the same’, he would be shown how different he and Jungwon were, until he would be left with one thing he knew was common about them. That Jungwon liked him. And he liked Jungwon.
Looking back to it made Jay feel like a teenager. Well, they had been teenagers then, or at least Jungwon was, and he, Jay, was beginning to turn into a young adult.
Now both of them were young adults, and both of them were in love. Though Jay thought that most days, he was the one who was more in love. He’d even expressed this to Jungwon once, telling him, ‘As you sure about me? When I love, I love hard. I commit.’
The barest of smiles. ‘You mean you’re clingy?’ Jungwon had grinned.
‘I’m not clingy,’ said a then defensive Jay.
‘I love it when you’re clingy.’
“Hey.”
Jay blinked. “What?”
“I said,” said Jungwon, “how about we make some omelet?”
Again, Jay blinked. Jungwon was smiling at him, on the verge of teasing him again probably, for falling into yet another trance. But he beat Jungwon to it, putting his cup down on the table, then taking Junwon’s from his, and pulled Jungwon to his lap, then said, “Okay.”
He began to comb Jungwon’s hair with his fingers, feel its silky strands, admired how lusciously black it was and smelled of flowers.
“Okay,” chuckled Jungwon, “Then what are you doing?”
“Just a minute.”
Another laugh. “Of what?”
Jay smiled down at Jungwon. “I just want to feel your hair.”
Jungwon chuckled some more, but closed his eyes anyway.
“Do you want to go back to sleep?”
Eyes closed, Jungwon smiled again. “I just literally asked you to make an omelet.”
“I just wondered. You closed your eyes.”
Jungwon opened his eyes. There was a pause, a beat. Then, “I just want to feel your touch.”
And though both were thinking of standing up, imagining their omelet, the two of them fell asleep, wrapped in each other’s arms.
When Jay woke up, Jungwon was gone. He looked around him, squinted at the sun streaming through the window into the room, just touching his toes. He drew his feet back, as though shyly retreating from sunshine.
He heard a fizzle.
Then he smelt it.
He smiled.
My omelet.
Jay lay on his back, just smiling, looking up on the ceiling. Was this what others meant when they said they wanted a life lived with contentment? Was this how being content felt? Jay had thought it was all wishful thinking, before, nothing more than an ideal that people cling on to to keep sane, to get by. But it was happening to him now. It was true.
Heart filled with excitement, Jay sprang to his feet, then walked to the kitchen, ruffling his hair, or fixing it, as he went. When he thought Jungwon didn’t notice him, he began to tiptoe the last steps, then surprised Jungwon by sneakily wrapping his arms around Jungwon’s waist.
He felt Jungwon almost jumped in his touch, and he laughed, then Jungwon laughed. He kissed Jungwon’s hair, whispering, “Good morning.”
“What if I burned myself,” he heard Jungwon whine, then, softly, “Good morning.”
“Is that my omelet?”
“I almost messed it up,” said Jungwon. He turned off the stove, picked up the pan by its handle, then shrugged off Jay, who chuckled then watched Jungwon transfer the omelet into a plate.
“That looks amazing,” said Jay, “Smells amazing.”
“I’m making another one.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t touch it yet, okay.”
“This really looks amazing.”
He heard Jungwon chuckle. “Thanks, chef.”
Jay, who had sat down at the table, looking at the omelet as if it was a diamond in the rough, smiled, then looked at Jungwon. “You’re getting good at it.”
“Well, thank you, chef.”
Jay chuckled. Then he thought of something. “Do you have any pkans today?”
“I thought we were going out.”
“Oh, right.”
“Do you… have another plans?”
“No,” said Jay immeditiately, “I… Well, actually, since… Well, since you’re a very good cook now, I was thinking we could make some pasta. I mean I’ll teach how do the sauce. Easy.”
At thin Jungwon’s face actually lit up, and Jay felt a childish pride in his body. “Really?”
Jay nodded, smiling. “Would you like that?”
“I’d love that.”
“Okay,” said Jay, “But maybe we’d go out first, as we’d planned. Look around… then make the pasta for dinner.”
“How about we do it the other way around?”
“Hmm?”
“Let’s have the pasta for lunch? Then let’s head out after. Say, in the afternoon? Or tonight.”
“Okay.”
When Jungwon was done with the other omelet, they had breakfast, with fresh lemon juice that Jay did. Jay listened to Jungwon animatedly recount how loud Jay had snored in the early hours that Jungwon had to pinch his nose so Jay would stop, but when Jay did stop, after ten seconds he would snore again, so Jungwon had given up, stood up and tried doing some pending school work, and had then decided to make the promised omelets. Ten minutes later apparently Jay had woken up.
After that they settled back comfortably on the couch, watched a Netflix christmas movie, glued to each other, with Jay’s arm resting along the back of the couch and around Jungwon, whose head rested against Jay’s shoulder.
By the time the movie was reaching its climax, Jay realized Jungwon had fallen asleep. Jay carried him into the room, lay him there, then after turning the TV off, lay next to Jungwon, wrapped his arm around him, then fell asleep too.
It was a quarter after eleven when Jay woke up, and again, Jungwon was gone. Jay sat up, sniffed. He thought maybe Jungwon had started with the pasta sauce, but Jay couldn’t smell anything. Curious because the door to the room was closed after all, he finally jumped out of bed and walked out of the room.
He saw Jungwon in the kitchen, who was just placing a paper bag on the kitchen counter, his forehead shimmering with sweat. Jay walked up to the kitchen isle. When Jungwon caught him, he smiled at him.
Jay smiled back. “You went out?”
Jungwon nodded. “We didn’t have carrots.”
“What for?”
“For the sauce.”
“Oh,” said Jay, nodding, massaging the back of his neck. “We could have done without, you know.”
“But you always do them with,” smiled Jungwon.
Jay smiled. He walked closer to hug Jungwon, then kissed his forehead. He felt Jungwon wrap his arms around him, resting his head against Jay’s chest. And they stayed like that for a moment, as though dancing, but they were still, eyes closed, both listening to the beating of their hearts.
As soon as they broke away, Jungwon prepared all the ingredients. He cut the vegies, Jay the onions. Jungwon separated separated the carrots from the ‘other vegies’, and Jay smiled at this wordlessly, just watching and listening to Jungwon man the counter. Fifteen minutes later:
“Right,” Jay began, “you start with the meat… That’s right, Jungwon... Now add your vegies andt the onion, oh, and the carrots… Now your tomato paste, and then mix ‘em good, Jungwon, that’s right… Oh yeah, the bay leaves… Would you like me to do the pasta?”
“Okay.”
Jay put Rigatoni into the boiling water.
As they waited, both of them prepared the table. When the pasta was ready, Jungwon gestured for Jay to sit down, because he’d ‘handle it’. Then they had their lunch.
The pasta was awesome. And Jay made sure Jungwon knew this. Jungwon smiled at him, his face a picture of humble embarrassment and pride.
An afternoon nap preceeded their nightout. When they woke up, for the third time today, they got changed, then headed out. Both of them wore coats and gloves–all Jay’s–as it was particularly bitingly cold tonight. They went from store to store to another, window-shopping, laughing at items that cost a fortune but did not serve practical use–well, at least Jungwon did. And when Jay would try to make sense of it, try to defen those items, Jungwon only smiled at him, shrug his shoulders and say, “If you say so.”
In just an hour Jungwon began to express how the afternoon nap had made him hungry, and so Jay suggested they look for a restaurant. Jungwon said yes, but on the way changed his mind. “I am not that hungry, though,” he said, “How about we go for something light?”
“Like what?”
Jungwon thought for a moment. Jay watched him, mirroring him as Jungwon buried his hands in the coat’s pockets, his shoulders stiff from the cold of the night. Right then Jay felt an urge to pull him close, hug him like a bear would her cub. But too many people on the street.
Finally, Jungwon said, “Ramen!”
And Jay smiled, saying, “That’s not light .”
They went to have ramen.
When they finished and went out of the small ramen shop, it was snowing.
“Wow,” said Jungwon beside him.
Jay himself was awestruck. He smiled, looking up, watching the white little crystals fall from the sky, some of it catching the plethora of lights in the busiest corners of Seoul that they looked to be glowing. Then Jay watched them fall on Jungwon, a feather-like shower of tiny balls of white. Jungwon was smiling big, his head thrown back, his hands oustretched, and it all seemed to play in slow motion.
And suddenly Jay could only see him, and the people around them, who were just as transfixed with the snow, seemed to have blurred away, fading like snows themselves, and had ceased to exist.
“I think,” Jungwon began to say, still not looking at Jay, but at the sky, as if he was talking to some god, “this calls for a dessert.”
Jay’s hearing seemed to deteroriate, too, and all he could hear, or at least what was louder, was his heartbeat. He smiled at Jungwon, didn’t know that he stepped forward, and leaned forward to plant a kiss on Jungwon’s forehead. Then, smiling sheepishly, taking in Jungwon’s surprise, he said, “How’s that for dessert?”
Jungwon smiled at him. “Six,” he said.
Jay frowned at him. “What do you mean six?”
Jungwon merely smiled, said nothing.
“Jungwon.”
Just the smile.
And Jay understood. Or at least he thought so. “You want six forehead kisses?”
This time Jungwon laughed. And it was the laugh he used when he teased Jay.
“What is it?” asked Jay, confused.
“Your dessert,” said Jungwon, grinning, pointing his gloved finger to his forehead, “It’s a six out of ten.”
Jay’s frown deepened, then when finally he got it, he chuckled. And Jungwon chuckled. Then Jay planted another kiss, this time on the tip of Jungwon’s nose.
It was on. And they both knew where it was going. And yet they looked at each other, both pretending they were mere participants in this show, and not the showmakers themselves who were responsible for it and therefore knew what would happen before the screen rolled to credits.
Jay fixed Jungwon a look, almost droopy in appearance if not for the hint of a smile. “So?”
Jungwon only smiled, and shrugged. This time he lowered his eyes.
Is he waiting? Jay thought to himself.
And then he did it. He planted another kiss, the last one, the one that should earn him the score, the moment that the audience came for, the end to a chapter. And when he broke away, smiling, keeping himself together despite the dizziness the cold sensation the contact has left his lips, he said, smiling proudly at Jungwon, “So?” And then, “That’s gotta be a ten.”
Jungwon smiled, not meeting his eyes, the pinks on his cheeks more pronounced against their slowly growing of white backdrop. Then he looked up to meet Jay’s gaze. “Nine point five,” he said. And Jay grinned, and was just on the verge of saying something smart when Jungwon said, “Try again.”
It took a while, yet again, before Jay could pick up. But when he did, he did try again.
And this time it lasted. And Jungwon could have given him one out of ten, he couldn’t have cared less.
Jay could do this all night.