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He's always the last one in everything. Last one to improve in volleyball in his team. Last one to make a place in a social gathering. Last one to be admired. Last one to be encouraged enough to chase his dreams.
Last one to be noticed that he's left behind. Last one to be called to join them. Last one to be observed that something is wrong with him.
Last one on the list of priorities.
He's never on someone's preference
Why?
He asked himself as he sees his boyfriends walking and laughing ahead of him. They love him. He knows that. So why does it feel empty? Why does it feel left out?
He was the last one of them to be approached when they decided to give THEM a chance.He was the last one.
It had been months after they got together that they decided to finally ask him. Tsukii would always look at them with eyes that hid the desire to be held as well. Held by them.
But alas.... He was the last option.Tsukii stood as he looked at them walk and chat away from him without noticing that he wasn't on their side. Slowly drifting away from him in the cold wind of winter.
Was it because he wasn't...... loveable?
It was true that he had a bad personality.
It was true that he had a sharp tongue.
It was true wasn't beautiful and gorgeous like Akaashi.
It was true he wasn't handsome and stable like Kuroo.
It was true he wasn't successful like Bokuto.
He was just Kei. A university student who was trying it's best to be selected.
Maybe.....maybe they preferred city boys.....unlike him who was just a common kid from a small city. Who wasn't advance like them and who preferred silence over city hustle.
But... But he left it all for them. He loved them sincerely. So ....why?
He took a step and missed his footing. Fell forward on his knees and palms. Scrapped his skin a little, he hissed. Even though it was snowing and he had his coat wrapped around him it still felt cold.
It felt lonely. He watched as Kuroo hugged Akaashi and laughed loudly.He watched through his blurry numb visions how Bokuto pulled Akaashi towards himself and kissed his head.
Oh how he wished to be the wrapped in the warm arms of the oldest. Oh how he wished how Kuroo would just tease him again like he did in highschool.
That's how at all started after all. He fell in love with Kuroo became of his constant nagging and the attention he gave him.
He fell in love with Kuroo first.
Then he fell in love with Bokuto, who supported his scattered mind with just words. Gave him a path to walk on. Then it was Akaashi. How Akaashi would gently touch his hands and give him soft looks while he taught him a little about setting.
But it was all pain.
He saw how Kuroo loved Akaashi....and Bokuto. He was never an option even when Kuroo gave him most of the time and he gaveHints to the older.
"Hey let's go out for a walk!"
"Yeahhhh!"
"You coming Kei?"
That's how they invited him in their walks everytime.
"Akaashiiiii I'm hungryyyyyy"
"I'm tired Bokuto san...."
"Let's order something"
"Sure"
"You want anything Kei?"
That's how they Involved him the dinner decisions..... Never asking him first. Never inviting him first. Never cuddling him without noticing that he's in the corner looking at them.
Kei always did his best to hide his emotions. He would go out and just take 10 minutes to look at the sky and question why it hurts so bad. Why it fells like he's being asked to cut his throat off. Why.....was it hard for everyone to just involve him
He sayed on his knees and finally let the tears drop.
They could have atleast turned around....or just notice that he's missing.
He's not worth it maybe.
He deserves to be left behind,maybe.
A woman passing by stops for him
"Oh dear, are you alright my boy?"
Kei starts shaking. He couldn't focus on the words of the kind lady. He got up and ran in the opposite direction as fast as he could.
He hates it. He hates it all. He hates being a looser. But that's what he is...His lovers prove it again and again.
Is it because he's still a student and not earning yet? Is that why he's of no importance? Not worthy of their love ?
Whatever the reason is he just wants it to end. He's been awake for months and thinking he should just ask for it. But how the olders cuddle and love eachother. Makes him think twice. He doesn't want to ruin their relationship. It was a mistake accepting their love.
Was it really love? Or was it substitution? Replacement? Just needed someone? Whatever the reason was he thinks about ending it now and run back to his home.
Coming to Tokyo was a mistake. Accepting the offer to live with them was a mistake. Falling of them was a mistake.
Loving Kuroo was a mistake.
Expecting to be loved was a mistake
He sits alone on a bench under a dim street light. He doesn't know where he is. All he knows is that he's freezing in cold but it's better than being at home watching the three of them cuddle on couch , from a corner.
It's better than watching Kuroo notice him that he's looking at them and wants some of what they are doing.
Better than looking at Kuroo and bokuto finally opening their arms to him to fill in, after they learn that he's watching the three of them cuddle.
It's late and streets are empty.
'They are probably happy that I'm gone. They can hog the bed more now that I'm gone. I'm way too tall for them anyway' he thinks and rubs his eyes dry again.
His woolen groves are wet from wiping his tears and it's painfully freezing his hands. He let's out a sob and cries Loudly alone, looking at the sky.
Bokuto always notices Akaashi's effort in editing. He never praises him for being a potential candidate from V league 2 even though he was the one who showed him the path.
Kuroo always complaints about how he has to duck to kiss Akaashi. He hugs akaashi from behind. But he never comes home and hugs him like he does to the others. He only him sometimes while sleeping.He only gets hugs from kuroo while they sleep, Sometime.
And Kei would shut his mouth tightly not to yell in happiness. Or squirm alot so Kuroo wouldn't slip away.
Kei wasn't greedy. No. He only wished for a little. He wished for him to be involved. That's all.
But that was too much to ask?
He stayed on the bench all night, cried himself to sleep while snow covered him. He didn't have his phone with him. He had no wallet otherwise he would have went back to Miyagi first thing in morning.
But he knows the olders would be going to their job. Because unlike him...they weren't useless. They were independent. They were strong, Mentally and physically. So he would go back home tomorrow after figuring his way out and take his money and stuff and then leave.
Leave the place that causes him pain.
Leave the people he loved the most.
Leave the home he wanted to be welcomed the most.
Early in morning about 6.30am he went back to the house. House bought by Kuroo and Bokuto. He stepped at the door and his mind blank. Usually only kuroo is up at this hour but he's in bath getting ready so it's safe. He only needed his money and cell phone.
He silently opened the door by the hidden key under their door mat and stepped inside.
He was shaking.....staying out in cold had did a number on him. His lips were blue and eyes red and puffy from crying. He looked so weak.
It was still dark in the living room.
Then suddenly his eyes were burnt by bright lights when they were turned on. Kei didn't move a muscle. He froze.
Ah yes ...."where were you?" Kuroo asked lowly.
Kei looked at the older who was looking......dishavled? Fatigued?
"ANSWER ME DAMNIT!" He roared loudly and Kei flinched.
His heartbeat quickened.
"Bro easy! Let's sit down and talk, ok?"
"NO BO, DID YOU SEE HOW AKAASHI WAS WORRIED?"
Oh..... He's still not the priority here afterall. It's always about him.....
Kuroo turned back to kei who took a step back when he noticed kuroo approach him in rage.
"I- I'm so-
"SORRY DOESN'T CUT IT TSUKISHIMA!"
Kei looked down on the ground. Actually sorry does cut it.
He could just say sorry and be on his way home. But he's a looser. He won't do it. He knows.
"Akaashi! Call the police station and tell them to stop looking for him!" Bokuto yells.Kuroo was on his face.
"Do you have any idea? What was going on in your head huh?! Akaashi nearly lost it and Bokuto was breaking down! Because of you!"
"I'm sorry ....." He whispered. His shoulders shook.
"Kei!" Akaashi ran to him and spread his arms to hug kei was kei stepped back.
Akaashi's eyes widened.
"Kuroo san .... Why is it always bokuto san and Akaashi san but never me? "
"What do you mean?"
"You love them so much why did you trap lower the trap for me? You had two toys to play wi- "
And before Kei could finish his sentence , a sharp loud slap echoed in the living room. With kei crashing down on the floor.
"Kuroo!" Bokuto pushed him back and stood between kei and him like a shield.
Akasshi was at Kei's side in a second checking for damage. Ofcourse the internal damage was more than the outer.
Kei held his face which stung badly. His tears flowed heavily and his breathing shot up. Akaashi held him a half hug while he cried loudly.
"I- I just -wanted to-to be l-loved like Ak-Aka-akashi san!"
Akaashi froze and looked down at kei who was looking up at kuroo.Kuroo towered over him in rage. His broad shoulders shook.
"Y-you ne-never l-loved me like Yo-you all love Ak-akashi san!" He pushed Akaashi and dragged himself backwards on the floor while still holding his cheek.
"Never h-hugged me,or k-kissed me g-ood night!"
Kuroo's rage broke in a second.
"Never asKed Me-how - how mY da-day was" he was looking at Bokuto now.
Kei changed his position and went in a sitting position. He was sitting on his legs underneath him and he cried loudly.
"it's b-een foreve-r yoU oNly l-love H-im . Why?!" He banged his head on the wooden floor. Bokuto panicked and tried to stop Kei from hurting himself.
Akaashi was in a daze
"IM SORRY! KUROO SAN I'M SORRY IM NOT LOVEABLE. I WASTED YOUR SPACE AND TIME AND RELATIONSHIP BY SAYING YES WHEN YOU ASKED ME OUT. I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED!!"
"Stop it please!" Akaashi pleaded.
"I WANTED TO BE LOVED! I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED!!"
Kei's forehead was seeping little blood at this point .Bokuto was in panic and didn't know what to do while Kuroo stood still as ground under his feet was swiped away.
Was he that bad to him? How did he not notice that kei was felling left out.
"I WANNA GO HOME. IT HURTS HERE! LET ME GO PLEASE! I'LL LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE. IM SORRY I MADE A MISTAKE!"
He yelled at all on the top of his lungs. Raised his voice for the first time. Expressed himself first time ever.
Loud crys of agony were filled the house. Broken heart that was so long broken was finally bleeding from sorrow. Open wounds were finally stinging and it felt right. It felt right to kei. First time he was in the right place receiving the right emotions
But at what cost?
Kei was pulled up by Bokuto and he kissed his head but Kei didn't feel it. He was drowning in his dark place. And why would Bokuto show affection now? It could literally ruin their relationship.
Kei wasn't a house wrecker.
He had his mind set. He wanted to leave. Wanted to forget that he will ever b able to be loved. He. Was pulled in a tight hug by Bokuto ....he couldn't move so he kept crying and crying untill he was ready to leave this place with a hand mark on his face.
"kei please don't leave! I'm sorry we made you feel this way!" Bokuto said in his ear as he hugged the youngest.
"I'm begging you Tsukishima! Please don't leave us! Not like this. I don't want us tearing apart! " Akaashi pleeded with tears running down.
"w-anna go home!"Kei whinned while shedding tears but he had no strength left to fight.
"This is home tsukii! I'm sorry I didn't treat you bet-"he didn't get to finish his sentence when Kei interrupted him.
"I DESERVED TO BE LOVE AS MUCH AS AKAASHI! WHY DID YOU ALL HATE ME?!"
"I- I'll leave! I'll leave this place just please no more. I can't see you crying like this!" Akaashi's anxiety was peeking through him now.
Kei only shook his head.
Kuroo dropped down on his knees unable to keep himself standing.
"im sorry tsukii. I made you fall in love with me..made you live with us. I- I ... You can hurt me too. You can kill me if you want. Do your worst. But please don't say that i never loved you"
"B-but you don't" and Bokuto tightened the hug."I LOVE YOU TSUKI! WE LOVE YOU AND WE MADE A MISTAKE. GIVE US A Chance please!" Kuroo's tears numbing the floor.
"I promise I'll love you double. I promise I'll love you and hug you and kiss you! Please don't leave us!" Akaashi begged.
Bokuto whispered appologize in his ear
Kei however demanded time and was unable to open himself again to them even though they showed extra affection.
But the type of affection you get by DEMANDING them.....never feels satisfying.
So it was now a start from zero. They would have to make him fall for them again. Start a new chapter. And hope that Kei would forgive them in his life.
Year later they were all in beg cuddled up with kei in middle and Akaashi hugging him from front while kuroo spooning him up and kissing him on the back of necks.
"Moonshine, I want a kiss"
"Ak-akashi san ...... can you let go please?"
Akaashi cupped his face and kissed him deep while kuroo let out an offended voice. Bokuto laughed at Kuroo's action and ruffled Kei hair.
It takes time to heal but it does fill up.
Giving a chance can clear misunderstandings and mistakes... That's what Kei did. He gave a second chance to himself and them.