Chapter Text
The singing of the birds outside his window was the first thing he heard. Spring sunlight was streaming into his room, and the sheets were already clinging to his body from the heat. Without having to open his eyes or look at his watch, he knew that it was past noon, that normal people and early risers must already be enjoying the day off, and yet he still didn't want to get out of bed.
Getting out of bed meant having to do things, it meant having to shower, eat, hydrate, socialize, to exist. Some of those things could be negotiated, of course. If he didn't go out, he didn't necessarily have to take a shower or socialize with other people. And the eating part didn't have to be like healthy or self-prepared food. And even hydrating could be with a beer if he hadn't drunk all of them already, he could even drink one of those expensive bottles of wine that he kept for special occasions, even if there was nothing special about the occasion.
But still, even for simple things, he had to get out of bed.
Complaining, as if it was the most terrible thing someone could do to him, Jing Beiyuan rolled onto his wide bed and practically crawled out of the covers. The formal clothes he had worn the night before were scattered in the room, and he was wearing only his underwear. He didn't even remember taking his clothes off, his memory was fragmented and disconnected, and he didn't make an effort to put those fragments together, he just took a delicate silk robe to cover his body, and locked himself in the bathroom for several minutes.
Beiyuan lived alone in a three-story house in the best neighborhood in the suburbs. He used to have his right-hand man at home during work days, his secretary, manager, subordinate and friend who knew everything about him and had always been there, Ping An, which was the main reason why his father’s law firm was still afloat, and as a reward for his efforts, Beiyuan allowed him to forget that he existed on weekends, to go wherever he pleased, and not even answer the phone if he called. And it was already proven that Ping An always answered despite this. And that Beiyuan, despite promising not to bother him, used to call him about the most mundane things, like asking where the sugar was or if he remembered whether or not he had a gray tie.
In addition to having Ping An by his side from Monday to Friday, practically all the important people in his life lived close by, if he wanted to see those who had been in his life since he was a child, he only had to leave his house, walk a few minutes, and knock on another door.
But he enjoyed his space, being alone, sleeping late and having no one to control whether he ate or drank water. He did not compromise his freedom if it was that freedom that allowed him to live his life as badly as he wanted.
He came out of the bathroom with the toothbrush dangling from his lips and started checking his phone. He had some notifications of being tagged in photos, of new contacts telling him about the night before, and old friends telling him they had to repeat that party someday, and then the memories began to organize little by little, laughter echoing in his ears, the sound of glasses colliding at every toast, the pain in his gut when he had seen someone with a new company.
Sure, everyone on his texts and DMs were so satisfied and happy, as if he had enjoyed the night as much as them. How ironic. The more terrible his evening had been, the more the rest seemed to have had fun with his company, thanks to his ability to smile and joke despite the pain.
His stomach rumbled demanding some food, or maybe trying to distract him from those memories that were beginning to take shape, so he put his phone in his robe pocket, finished brushing his teeth, and finally went downstairs, wondering why humans had to search for something to eat, why they couldn't just feed on air, or on poor decisions.
If it weren't for hunger, he could sleep another two hours. He still felt tired and quite hungover, his back hurt and his eyes burned, and for the same reason when entering the kitchen, he was still rubbing his eyes, and only when he took his fingers from them did he panic for a fraction of a second.
He was supposed to be home alone on the weekend, but in the kitchen, sitting drinking coffee and staring at the screen of a phone, there was a guy he didn't remember at all.
Quickly, as quickly as the time it takes to blink, Beiyuan tried to piece together everything that had happened the night before, everything that he had just tried to push away from his memories, to discover who that visitor, that so calmly read in his kitchen, was.
What he knew perfectly well was that the night before he had been in the main house of the Helian family, who lived in the same condo as him. No. It wasn’t that they lived in the same condo as him: they owned the condo he lived in thanks to them.
They had been partying for Helian Yi's birthday, one of Beiyuan's favorite celebrations. He had spent half the night by his side, laughing, drinking, feeling completely happy, in the clouds. Helian Yi had introduced him to many new people, stressing over and over again that Beiyuan was studying law, and that as soon as he graduated, he would officially become his right hand in business, that with him by his side they would go far on the political path that wanted to take in a few more years. He had repeated to him in a low voice on more than one occasion that they wouldn’t know him just because he was his father's son, but that he would forge his own path, and that that path would only be possible if they moved forward together, that he needed Beiyuan to take those steps next to him, side by side. Beiyuan, who was an expert at faking smiles, had not needed any mask, since his smile had been sincere for half the night. Every time he looked at him, every word he heard, every time Helian Yi took his hand to lead him to speak to another person, every time he hugged his shoulders possessively while recounting his achievements, the smile was simply born from the most deep within his and reached his lips with ease. The first half of the night had been wonderful.
And then he had really started drinking. He had drunk all night, but in the second half he had drunk seriously, not only to share and enjoy, but with the clear intention of being unconscious and not having to find out what was going on around him.
All that attention that Helian Yi was giving him, all those touches, all those whispers in his ear, all those smiles and knowing looks that made him think that maybe this could be his night, everything had changed with the arrival of one of the Helian family brothers accompanied by a beautiful and elegant girl, and Helian Yi had become infatuated immediately just by looking at her. He had no longer presented him after that, he had no longer displayed him as his trophy, he had forgotten his presence by talking to that woman, and Beiyuan had changed his own focus to drinking… that was the reason why the rest of his memories were blurry.
The young man who was in his kitchen now he could barely remember, but he knew they had drunk together, and quite a bit. He was at the party, so Helian Yi or someone else knew him. He was young, younger than him, he looked serious and mature, but his delicate features were a clear indication that he must have been just a teenager, and for a brief moment he panicked... what if he was a minor? Had they done something else? He could not be a future lawyer and have slept with a minor.
He was about to panic when the young man looked up and saw him standing there.
He was attractive, but his face seemed to be one of those who went unnoticed and Beiyuan couldn't help but wonder if he was the only one unable to remember him, or if more people had forgotten that young man's presence on the birthday of the previous night.
And although he was handsome, he was not his type. Nobody was. Because his type was Helian Yi.
"Oh, you woke up, I hope you don't mind that I used your coffee maker, I needed my dose of caffeine to recover before I go home, after this cup I'll leave you alone," his voice was serious, his gaze was serious, his posture showed neither discomfort nor relaxation. Beiyuan was unable to deduce absolutely anything from him at the first glance. He could always read people with ease; however, he couldn’t read anything about him.
"No, I don’t mind," he replied, blinking slowly, as if still adjusting to the daylight, though he was actually trying to adjust to the circumstances. He shouldn't drink so much, much less if it was special occasions for Helian Yi. What if he had made some kind of scandal? No, he wasn't one of those. Or at least he controlled his scandals for special occasions, like when that was the only way out of a messy situation.
"Cool. There's more coffee prepared if you want a drink, I use the one next to the tea box. I didn't want to go through your things, even though you told me last night to take whatever I want."
"I said that? Wow, thanks for not taking more things then…” He paused, and immediately regretted that, because the pause was too long. He was trying to dig into his memories to find in them the name of the young man, but he did not find anything.
"You don't remember my name, do you?" the young man looked at him and a smile finally appeared on his thin lips. He seemed to be enjoying the situation, it seemed that behind his apparent seriousness and perfect composure, that was really funny to him.
"Do you remember mine?" he asked, finally moving to pour himself a cup of coffee as well. He felt the gaze of the young man following his movements.
“Of course, the birthday boy repeated it a thousand times: Jing Beiyuan, future lawyer, the best of his generation, the best counselor, the future of the company, the one who will lead him to glory, a lifetime together and an eternity ahead. You have a great résumé, and apparently you have endless skills,” the young man's tone of voice as he said that didn’t have any particular tinge, but the alarms went off anyway.
Beiyuan heard those words and his heart skipped a beat. Endless skills, the young man had said... what kind of skills were those? Were they skills in bed?
He couldn't start his day with so many doubts, he couldn't keep wondering if he had been unfaithful in a relationship that didn't exist. Jing Beiyuan had slept with only two people in his life. The first time had been after coming out, as if he wanted to reaffirm that he was doing the right thing and it was not just a phase. The second had been because he was drunk, sentimental, a little sad, and the guy slightly resembled Helian Yi. Both times he had repented within hours. He needed to know if he had anything to regret again, so he turned around, cup in hand, and gazed at the unusual guest.
“Did we fuck last night?”
“…”
“Did we?”
"… what?" the young man stared at him, the cup halfway to his lips. He seemed to be expecting him to tell him that this question was a joke, and when he didn't hear him he was surprised by such an idea. “I brought you home because you were too drunk, Helian Zhao asked me, because he thought you might faint halfway through: “he’s a little bit weak” he told me. I brought you here, I wanted to go home, but you asked me to stay because you didn't want to be alone. You told me that I could eat and drink everything in your kitchen, and that if I was tired and wanted to sleep, there was a guest room, but then you rolled into bed and fell asleep without telling me which of all the rooms was the guest room, so instead of snooping door to door I preferred to sleep on the couch."
"Oh..."
"Besides... I'm not... you know," the young man looked intently into his eyes, so intensely that he seemed to want to convey his thoughts to him so that he would believe that he really was not "you know".
"Oh… are you sure about that?" Beiyuan took a sip of hot coffee, raising his eyebrows slightly. If he had gotten up and found a woman in the kitchen, he wouldn't have cared at all. If he had found an obviously straight man he wouldn't have worried either. But he had found him and that set his alarms, and his instincts were not failing, he was a hundred percent sure about it.
"Sure about what?"
“… Nothing,” he preferred to pretend to be oblivious. He respected the decisions of the people and their times. He even respected the ignorance with which some lived their lives without realizing what they were. Not everyone could be like him who one day, after a few questions, had dressed in rainbows and filled his social networks with pictured of him at Pride so that no one would dare to think that there was a hint of heterosexuality in his beautiful and perfect body.
“Since you don't remember, I am Zhou Zishu,” the young man then introduced himself, apparently satisfied to leave the other matter behind, “I have known Helian Yi for a while, but I had not been to any of these events yet. He is a good friend, I am somewhat as his right hand in some matters. He had already told me about you, but I doubt that he has told you about me. "
Jing Beiyuan could notice a strange sensation in his abdomen that had nothing to do with the hot coffee heating his stomach, rather it was as if all his organs were suddenly being scratched by an angry beast. A really angry beast.
That handsome and unknown young man had said some words that should never be said in front of him.
"Somewhat as his right hand?" He repeated, and although the expression on his face was totally controlled, he believed that his voice could denote something of the wave of jealousy that was washing over him. He was Helian Yi's right-hand man. He always had been, since they were little. He would always be, no random guy who had appeared out of nowhere could take that place away from him.
“His words, literally. I prefer to be the shadow of his right hand or something like that, my environment is not the one you share. I must admit that it was a relief when they asked me to bring you home last night, I could no longer bear those displays of power that they did to each other, I only agreed to go because it was his birthday and he wanted me to see and meet some people, if not for that would have been comfortable remaining anonymous, the few things I do for him don’t have to be known to others,” the young man explained with absolute sincerity, and Beiyuan noticed, with some annoyance, that the feeling of jealousy subsided. Not only did he calmed down because those words reassured him, but also because he seemed to feel comfortable with that stranger, he liked people who were not afraid to be sincere. It was then that the young man stood up and continued speaking as he walked to the sink, “If you don't need anything from me, I'll go, I was just waiting for you to wake up to confirm that you were still alive and to be able to answer Helian Yi if he asked me. My brother could burn down my apartment trying to make breakfast if I don't show up soon. See you tomorrow night, I guess."
"Tomorrow night?" Beiyuan didn’t even attempt to piece together his fragmented memories. Not even when he was notified of commitments while sober did he keep them in his memory, it was Ping An who was in charge of his calendar and his schedule, and who was constantly reminding him which work meetings and social events he should attend.
"Oh, sure, you don't remember that either, you were already so drunk," the young man turned his back to wash the cup he had been occupying, and continued speaking, "Helian Yi said that he would have another celebration, yesterday was for his birthday, tomorrow will be for a business that they closed and the arrival of the son of the business partner,” there was something in the voice of that young man, his voice without many emotions, that seemed to indicate something else. Beiyuan, perceptive and intelligent, thought he knew what it was all about.
"You don't think that's the reason for the celebration, do you, Zhou Zishu?" he said, and the young man turned to observe him with dark and lively eyes, “the business in question is important and it took months, that's true, but it was closed more than a week ago, the young man who arrived was to be received at a dinner small in which we would be only a few people, and it would be done in a couple of days, everything was prepared in advance. This is something improvised that Helian Yi wouldn't normally do, so something must have happened to make him suddenly plan a new celebration,” Zishu's gaze seemed to flash as he saw that someone was having the same train of thought as him.
"Helian Yi warned me that you were too smart," was all he said as he dried his hands, neither confirming nor denying that they thought alike. Too smart. Helian Yi always described him as that, not very smart, too smart, like that was also a problem.
“The only thing that changed between those plans and the new plans was that Helian Yi met a girl last night. Tomorrow's celebration is just a facade to spend more time with her, to impress her. He probably couldn't think of another excuse and quickly devised a party to see her again,” the scratches of jealousy returned, however, now they hurt bitterly and had nothing to do with the young man who was watching him silently. Beiyuan felt like he was tearing himself inside and that his throat would start to tighten at any moment. But he kept his composure. He was too used to having such attacks of pain for various reasons involving Helian Yi. "She is invited, am I wrong?"
“You’re right about almost everything, but you’re still missing a bit of information,” Zhou Zishu took his jacket that hung from the chair, and then walked over to Beiyuan to put a hand on his shoulder as he said the last words before leaving. “It is not the only excuse he came up with, today they will have lunch together and he will take her to an art exhibition, he made me get him last minute tickets because I have some good contacts. Helian Yi is using all his excuses to spend time with her, he won't let her slip away. In the short time I have known him, he had only once asked me to get him tickets to an event. A few months ago he asked me for tickets to the opera, he seemed almost as anxious as now, but believe me, this time he was even more desperate to do things right."
After that last information Zhou Zishu thanked for the coffee and left the kitchen, leaving Beiyuan standing there.
The opera tickets had been for him. He had passed an important exam at the university, and Helian Yi had come to his door and demanded that he shower and dress well, after which as a reward for his good performance he had taken him to see an exclusive show. That day they had refused to return by car, they had walked through the city at night, their hands touching each other from time to time, on more than one occasion they had both seemed tempted to take each other's hand and intertwine their fingers, but they had conformed with furtive glances and nervous smiles. That night Beiyuan had fallen asleep wondering what would have happened if he had been less fearful and kissed him when they said goodbye.
Believe me, this time he was even more desperate to do things right. Those had been the young man's words and now they were repeating themselves in his head.
He took his phone and saw the list of notifications that kept coming, he imagined in how many of those photos he would appear smiling happily next to Helian Yi, and in how many others he would have been left behind and Helian Yi would be accompanied by the other girl, and he didn’t feel able to see any of that.
Was it normal for every muscle in his body to ache as if it were being torn in life?
Nothing had happened yet, but it felt like a terrible premonition, like a destiny that inevitably had to be fulfilled without him being able to do anything. Perhaps a part of him had always known that Helian Yi was like a bird that he was holding between his fingers, but that sooner than later he had to let it fly, away from him, because he was not his nest.
He looked at the half-drunk cup of coffee in his hand, and then his eyes traveled to the mug the young man had used, and which he had given himself the job of washing before leaving.
He didn't want to be alone with his thoughts after hearing about what had happened while he was too drunk to even keep memories in his head. He didn't want to call Ping An and ask him to come along just because he didn't feel capable of functioning as a human being.
He left the kitchen still with coffee in hand, and without even thinking that he was only wearing underwear and a robe he left the house hoping to see the silhouette of the one who had just left, and luckily, he saw him a few steps away from his house, talking on the phone.
"Zhou Zishu!" He called him then, causing the young man to turn around and look at him strangely, and then look around in alarm, as if he felt the shame that Beiyuan lacked.
"What's going on? Did I leave something at your house?" With the hand that wasn’t holding the phone, the young man felt the pockets of his jacket and then his pants, as if to check that nothing was missing.
Without answering, Beiyuan walked through his garden until he reached the part of the sidewalk where Zishu was standing and heard him mutter an "I'll call you later, Jiuxiao" before cutting off the phone, still looking at him as if he was frightened by the audacity of walking half naked in broad daylight.
"Do you want to have lunch with me?" Beiyuan asked then, without further ado.
"... what?"
"We can ask someone to bring us something, or I can take you to a restaurant, I invite you. If you want you can use my shower, I can even lend you clothes, we seem to be the same size," he looked at him from head to toe, as if taking his measurements with his eyes, "Oh, and of course I'll dress decently too, I’m not going out like this."
"I... I already promised my brother that I would go home to eat with him," replied the young man, somewhat disoriented by that sudden proposal. After that it seemed that he would leave, but he was left thinking, and seconds later he spoke again, somewhat indecisive, or perhaps surprised at himself, “Do you want to come to my apartment? Jiuxiao, my brother, won't be a problem, he gets along with everyone, you might like him if you don't mind him being a bit naive. I'd rather do that than leave him alone and go eat somewhere else by myself."
Beiyuan stared at him for a few seconds and then he cracked a smile, nodding.
"What would this terrible world be without naive and innocent people?" he asked with absolute conviction in those words, “Can you wait for me while I take a quick shower? Then I can get my car so we can go to your apartment, I promise to bring a bottle of good wine."
“You've already convinced me with that,” Zishu proclaimed, smiling more naturally than he had since he had found him in his kitchen, after which he followed him back inside the house, to wait for him.
~
Jing Beiyuan didn’t use to make impulsive decisions. He was always dedicated to evaluating all the paths very well and putting himself before the possible results that the decisions of his life could have. For this reason, Helian Yi came to him for advice every time, because he knew that with the help of Beiyuan, there would be no loose ends, nothing that would take them by surprise. Their parents had had that same dynamic, and they both had adopted it with great results, they were a pair that the others had to fear, because Jing Beiyuan always saw the whole scene and made the best decisions based on all the factors that intervened.
The day he had decided to go to the apartment of the stranger he had found in his kitchen, it had been one of the few days that he had simply been carried away by impulses, by that mixture that he was feeling between pain and premonition. The pain of feeling displaced, and the premonition that this Zhou Zishu would get along very well with him.
Luckily for him, he had spent a good afternoon with Zishu and his younger brother, had laughed, had become quite distracted, and had hardly thought about what had happened the night before.
When he returned home and for the next day, he still felt the pain in his gut, but the beast of jealousy and fear seemed to calm down a bit. For some reason he felt that this young man had appeared at the right time. He could use a friend. Someone other than Helian Yi. Someone who wasn’t around him all the time questioning what he did and what he did not do, like Ping An. Someone who was not Lu Shen and He Yunxing, who were always next to Helian Yi. For some reason he felt that Zhou Zishu, despite being on Helian Yi's side as well, was on his level and would understand him, without judgment. And he believed he was not mistaken in thinking that the young man seemed to feel something of the same kind as well.
If he was going to drown in his feelings, he at least thought it pertinent to hope that someone like Zhou Zishu could reach out his hand to save him. Or to drown with him.
If Helian Yi could have a new right hand, why couldn't he?
With that thought, after looking in the mirror verifying that he looked extremely attractive, he set out for the Helian mansion once more, knowing that he was going to meet again with the cause of all his pain, that he would surely be trying to impress a woman who did not know what she was destroying with her mere existence. But, knowing also, that now he could hold onto Zhou Zishu if suddenly being there became a difficult task.
He didn’t enter the salon through the front door, he used the old strategy he used when he was a child, entering through an entrance that no one watched, strolling through lonely corridors, and entering the room through a service entrance.
As soon as he laid his eyes on the salon he saw him. Helian Yi wore a wine-colored suit that highlighted his skin tone. His gaze had that perfect combination of humility and closeness that people liked so much, and of pride, a pride that only Beiyuan seemed to be able to see. Beiyuan's chest resonated with the pounding of his heart, and his lips curved into a smile just at the sight of him, standing out from the guests. However, the smile disappeared when he saw the young woman in a blue dress who appeared with two glasses of champagne, handing one to Helian Yi, who greeted her with a radiant smile.
Beiyuan stared at the scene for a few seconds, feeling his chest tighten and suddenly it was hard to breathe. He thought about walking around the room and looking for other people to talk to. Everyone there knew him, most of them actually esteemed him. He thought about looking for Zishu and drinking with him again. But he wasn't able to move his feet to keep going. It was too much for him.
"I can't do this," he muttered to himself, retracing his steps to enter the kitchens that were in the hall behind him.
Just like when he was a child, he would stay with the ladies in the kitchen who always gave him to try everything they had, who laughed at his stories and pressed his cheeks telling him that he should eat more, that he was too thin and that the girls would love him more if he had a little more muscle. Those ladies who, when he came out of the closet, started to tell him that he should eat and exercise more, so the boys would love him more too.
He would stay there until his chest ached less, and then he would go back to the front door to enter as if he had just fallen asleep once more. He would face judicious stares and laugh with them because "Beiyuan did it again." And perhaps, with the entire crowd gathered, he wouldn't have to suffer any more from the sight of Helian Yi gifting his best smiles to a person other than him.
It wasn’t until more than an hour later, after having tried different delicacies that the cooks explained to him were for the young man who would arrive that day, prepared with exclusive ingredients from the south, that he finally left through the corridors again, and reached the wide doors from the main salon.
"You can do it, Jing Qi," he told himself, "this will be like dying and being reborn over and over again, but you can do it, this pain is not new and I know how to deal with it," and after those words he entered the noisy salon to lose himself in the crowd and among their feelings. Wishing for something to rescue him, for someone to take his hand once and for all.