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Levi had to hand it to Erwin. As if their missions weren’t depressing enough, the bastard had to schedule an expedition a week before Christmas. Logically, Levi understood the facts. They had to observe and gather information on Titans in all forms of weather, understand how their ODM gear changed with shifts in temperature, and ride the fine line of utilizing government funds and proving to the upper brass they were worth something.
But damn, right before Christmas? Where the vacancy of someone’s heart would be apparent at the dinner table? He heard every variation—parents worried about their children, losing siblings, partners—Levi would never have to worry about bonds like these, but he felt for the families when they returned through the gates. The cries, screams, and wails seared into his soul, keeping him awake at night.
It was always like this when they came back from expeditions. The light in their eyes died down, the somber footfalls as each squad member ate in silence and prepared minimal food. Conversations skirted around the topic until late at night where Levi could hear stories from the fireplace leading up to his room.
He never took part in those conversations; he had a brave face to put on for his team. They knew he felt the same, he showed that side on the battlefield, when it was the time to show up for your comrades, and his small gestures of kindness earned their respect.
His squad, who were often painfully cheerful around this time of year also had their moods dampened, and their usual festivities of decorating and singing had been put on hold while they trained for the expedition. To be fair, Levi had been working them to the bone, putting in grueling hours from dawn until past dusk, and they trudged home in sweat-soaked uniforms. The chill of winter made them shiver while the weary smiles told Levi they were at their breaking point.
Every order he barked out, every reprimand followed by a callous remark was all to push them further to their limit.
He clenched his fist.
He couldn’t lose them.
The thought never crossed their minds, not with their usual morning banter, Petra’s tea in the evening, and Oluo’s attempts at games in the evenings. Then Gunther’s quiet voice, reminding everyone of their chores even though Eld was second in command, and then Petra’s challenge to compete for the hot water.
Mundane chatter was Levi’s comfort nowadays. If he closed his eyes and listened, the heavy pounding in his heart ceased while he caught wind of their idle sounds. This time last year, they were busy decking the halls, as Petra put it, and she insisted that he join them.
“Just don’t make a mess,” was his only request. Petra scrunched his nose in the way he found cute, a fact he hated about himself and painfully shoved the thought down to the bottom of his heart. Her crestfallen glance at his declination to join them shouldn’t have hurt, and her little pout didn’t mean anything.
It didn’t matter that she always smelled of hot chocolate and marshmallows in December. Or that her birthday was only 19 days away from his and she didn’t have a clue.
The squad took her out for their birthday like they normally did, but their chorus of cheers! didn’t quite reach their spirits, and they were all promptly in bed at their usual time. His gift to her was cleaning her gear and the bathroom to herself before the rest of the squad joined, and her smile and abrupt hug didn’t stir a strange pounding in his heart.
“You’re the best, sir!”
She would have said that to anyone who would have offered her the same, so why did Levi feel the need to see that smile again?
Especially now, with her sitting across from him, her expression sallow as she stared down into her dark tea, hands fiddling around her mug as the fire cracked behind them. The guys were outside, chopping more firewood for the incoming storm, and Levi and Petra chose to stay behind while they cooked dinner. Stew was on the menu, and deer meat was gifted to them for the holidays. Petra’s father also dropped off an assortment of vegetables, a Christmas gift courtesy of his stand, and savory aromas filled the barrack while the pot bubbled over the stove.
“Ral.”
Petra looked up as if she forgot Levi was sitting across from her. Dark bags circled her eyes, a sight Levi wasn’t quite used to as she was often first to rise after him.
“Sir?”
Levi couldn’t remember the last time he asked if someone was okay. Isabel? Farlan? Maybe Eyebrows, but even then he knew the bastard could take it. The words burgeoned on his lips, his mouth tight while he set his mug down.
“You look like shit.”
Close enough.
Eyes wide, Petra’s brow furrowed into consternation as she gaped at him but then a flurry of giggles escaped her.
“I do, don’t I?”
He took another sip of tea which was far too cold at this point, but anything to avert his gaze from her. She pulled a lock of her hair, the ginger tendrils a mess from her bedhead, but instead of looking messy, it was endearing from her knit sweater labeled with a gold P while the rest of the yarn was a dark emerald. The rest of their squad wore matching sweaters with their respective initials, and Levi noted that his sweater hanging in the closet from last year, unworn.
Petra had commissioned a local seamstress in town and heartily gifted it to them last Christmas. Levi scolded her since he knew how much she made in salary, and this was at least a full paycheck.
“I love spending gifts on people I love, Captain.” Her smile was blinding, and Levi had to excuse himself while he locked himself in his office and held the offending garment.
She didn’t know it was his birthday or that it was the first gift he ever received. He swallowed down a myriad of emotions, images of her, and the dull ache in the center of his chest that blossomed into warmth.
A beat passed between them, and the sun descended into twilight. The embers from the fireplace flickered along the dark wood of the walls, the carpet freshly laundered and free from dirt and debris. Various books lined the two bookcases that sat beside the window where the curtains were drawn.
This was home, and Levi felt a wash of peace as the wind blew and the roof flapped above them.
“Who’d you lose?” Levi asked quietly, his voice of genuine concern, wrapping around Petra’s form like a blanket.
Her smile fell and she clenched her hands firmly around the porcelain mug as if it could absorb all her pain. “Arisa Galen. She was a new recruit that I mentored and even though she was only supposed to be a relayer…”
Levi read the reports; an Abnormal took out half of the new recruits, and the veterans that survived did it by sheer luck. If it weren’t for the forest, they’d be dead as well.
“I don’t sugarcoat things,” Petra said defensively, though not directed at Levi. She spoke to her grief, the thoughts that haunted her, and her eyes were hollow as she peered into her empty cup. “But I try to inspire hope, that being in the Scouts isn’t some suicide mission. We need more people like us, and I can’t help but wonder if she thought I was full of shit before she died.”
Petra rarely cursed. But when she did, she was pissed, and it was usually towards Oluo or Eld, or out in the field during a fight. This time, she was angry with herself, and Levi understood the feeling well.
“Do you think I’m full of shit?” he asked and rested his elbows against the table.
“No sir!” she replied quickly, and her expression broke, immediately concerned that she offended him.
“Then you aren’t. You wouldn’t have lasted as long as you have if you believed in bullshit. You’re here because you know what it’s like out there. I’ve seen you cut men from Titan’s mouths at the risk of your safety and scream at soldiers for their recklessness. If anything, you’ve become more of a hardass since you joined my squad.”
He grew impassioned with every sentence, his voice rising slightly above its normal cadence. Petra was bright red as she digested his speech and she fiddled with her hair between embarrassed fingers. Levi rose to make another cup of tea, not waiting for a response, and Petra joined him in the kitchen. She propped herself up onto the counter while she watched her Captain methodically prepare the leaves.
“It’s because of you, sir.”
The metal spoon clacked against the mug as Levi put a teaspoon of sugar into her cup. His was left black, as usual, and he paused in his routine to look up at her.
Petra clarified, “Not being a hardass, er, though maybe that is because of you. Mike said I was intimidating the other day, something about short people and Special Ops. I mean lasting this long. It’s because of you and your training.”
Wordlessly, Levi handed her mug back to her and trailed back to the dining table. He kept his eyes on the ground while she followed after him, growing frustrated at his lack of response.
“Levi!”
He stopped, turning on his heel to glare at her, but she had already set her mug down and furiously saluted.
“Sorry, sir! I’m just upset you’re not taking a compliment, you deserve it. Though I’m sure you know already, I think I wrote on my Special Ops application that you were my inspiration for joining the Scouts. You give us a lot of hope, and I want to pass that onto recruits.”
There it was, that blush on her face, that pounding in Levi’s heart, but he pushed it aside in favor of her. He managed a snort, but he turned his face to the window to not meet her gaze. “I’m not a hero, Ral.”
“I know you don’t think so,” she said softly, tugging at her sweater. “But to me, you are.” There was another sentence hanging on Petra’s thought, and probably to others, but selfishly, she wanted him to know of her devotion. Even if it was through thinly veiled words, the urge to pour her heart out always strained in moments like these. The quiet vignettes between them, when he was utterly himself, as relaxed as he could look, and when she was happy to be a part of his life.
About to respond, Levi lifted his chin but was interrupted by the slamming of the front door.
Eld rushed through without wiping his feet. “Petra! Captain! It’s SNOWING! Come look!” He sped back out, giving a loud YIPEE! while sliding outside. Oluo and Gunther’s voices also raised in excitement. Petra looked to Levi, their lost moment melting into the air while she pointed to the foyer.
“I can get the mop, there’s slush everywhere—“
“I’ll take care of it,” Levi answered in a clipped voice, already making his way upstairs, but looked behind him to give Petra a soft smirk. “I know you love snow, Ral. Get out there.”
Delighted, the smile that stretched across her face made Levi’s heart skip a beat. “Thank you, sir!” She dashed off to put on her boots, not bothering to grab a coat, and the door swung as she raced outside.
For a moment, Levi touched his cheek, the heat unfamiliar to him. But he made Petra happy, the thought sending tingles of pleasure throughout his body as he opened the supply closet and grabbed the despondent mop.
Cleaning was methodical, a task that brought him comfort as he watched the dirt dissolve and light aroma follow as he finished his work. To ensure his hard work wouldn’t be ruined, Levi carefully stuck his head out the door but was met with the winter winds. His jacket hung on the clothesline and without a second thought, he reached for the sweater embroidered with a gold L in his closet.
As he emerged, his squad greeted him with armfuls of snow. Petra was making snow angels, Oluo and Eld were caught in a snowball fight, and Gunther walked with his tongue sticking out, face parallel to the sky. The world was covered in white, the crunch satisfying under Levi’s boots, and he suddenly didn’t mind the flakes in his hair or the sting of the cold against his ears.
“Captain!” they called to him. “Pick a team, we’re about to build a fort for a snowball fight.”
“I’m good,” he said, though he was sure they couldn’t hear him from the yelling that was ensuing. It wasn’t often they got snow at the Scout compound, it was mostly reserved for the mountains or outside the walls, but he never tired of it. Growing up in the Underground, the weather was always a novelty, whether rain or shine, and snow was one anomaly that still boggled his mind. Hange explained it to him, but the science of it went over his head, and he usually focused on the dirt that it brought in.
Like a magnet, he found himself beside Petra, her demeanor carefree as she rolled in the snow. Her sweater was soaked, her pants just the Scout-issued pajamas, but she didn’t care as flakes piled atop her head.
“Join me?” she asked, though she already knew the answer.
He crossed his arms as he stood above her and Petra gleefully stuck a hand out. Happy to get her out of the soon-to-be mud, he reached to pull her up but was met with a forceful tug and a mouth full of snow.
“Got ya!” she exclaimed, howling with laughter. “Please tell me that counts in a win!”
“Not a chance,” Levi grumbled, sitting up so his ass was on the ice. He spat out some snow and rubbed his nose to rid himself of the cold, but his hands were freezing. “Fuck, I can’t believe I fell for that.”
“Yeah, you literally fell for it,” she teased, earning an eye roll and a glare. Their bodies were pressed against one another, perhaps from the temperature, and she daringly rested her cheek to his shoulder, shivering. Levi stiffened but didn’t push her aside, and he caught a faint sweet aroma from her hair.
“Okay, I have another question for you.” Petra picked up a handful of snow and held it out in front of them, “When snow melts, what does it become?”*
He paused, wondering if it was a trick question, and he stuck a finger into the snowball she was creating.
“What am I, stupid? It becomes water.”
Petra blew a raspberry. “Wrrrrrong,” she laughed, and Levi’s confusion only fueled her humor. She crumbled the snowball and let it run down her fingers until it melted in her palms. “It becomes spring!”
Levi blinked, about to tell her that was a shitty riddle, but her happiness disarmed him as she settled back down to his shoulder, this time her hair tickling his neck.
“I love December,” she began on a more serious note. “It’s my birthday, Christmas, spending the month with the squad.” Her gaze raked over his sweater, and Levi felt self-conscious while heat crawled up his neck. “But spring is my favorite season. I love seeing the flowers and trees bloom. The first ride when spring is in the air, nothing can compare.” And she sighed, almost as if she could manifest the season itself.
Levi felt her hand inching towards his, and furtively, he reached to intertwine their fingers, nearly numb from the cold. It didn’t stop the fire that sparked between them, the kindling of long-suppressed feelings, and Petra sucked in a breath as she met his onyx gaze.
“Sir?” she asked in bewilderment.
He squeezed her hand.
“Thank you, Petra.”
She blinked. “For what?”
His thumb brushed over her knuckles, and Petra swore she would never ask for more in this world as long as she had him beside her.
“You give me hope, too.”