Archive of Our Own

The mirror is freaking, huge .

Huge, long, and clean. Makes for a perfect reflection, to the point where anyone can see the sharpest of details.

And with a rapt fascination for something he should’ve been used to at this point, Jake scrutinizes every single minuscule detail of his movements in said mirror.

For the entire duration of one of their three-minutes and something-seconds song, Jake’s eyes stay focused on himself and solely himself. He’s still mindful of the other limbs around him, but not to the point where he’ll bother ripping his eyes off of his own reflection.

In all fairness, it starts because he’s curious. Though, it was curiosity that killed the cat, wasn’t it? Either way, a flicker of curiosity had led to Jake’s current predicament: frowning at his every step.

Clearly, he wasn’t making enough mistakes to be called out. Actually, he wasn’t making many mistakes at all. The thing which catches his eye is the, probably, quarter beat he’s fallen behind. If it was a half beat, it would’ve definitely been more noticeable. But maybe because it isn’t, it only stands out to Jake, since he’s started to nitpick his performance in the practice room.

Jake doesn’t think much of it because he’s done this before: he’s convinced they all have. The mirrors were huge, long, and clean for a reason. It was so that there was no reason to not be perfect, so that there was no room for error.

Up until this point, Jake likes to think he’s been using the advantages of mirrors like these to his development, but if the quarter beat he’s still lagging behind by the end of the song is anything to go by, he thinks he should be taking even more advantage of his crisp reflection.

“Ten,” Jungwon announces breathlessly, but Jake barely hears it over his own harsh breathing, had barely even registered that they had stopped dancing. He just registers that they have a little break, so he makes his way to get water into his system.

His brain is still just a bit addled with berating himself for that damn quarter beat , but he’s effectively snapped out of it when someone sidles up behind him, to the point where their hot, wet breath is condensing on the back of his already sweaty neck.

He thinks it’s Riki until a chin digs into his shoulder. While Riki may disregard personal space a lot of the time they’re together, Jake knows that the only exception to his affection is when he’s sweaty. And whoever is glued against his back is definitely, definitely drenched .

“Gimme one too,” Park Sunghoon’s tired voice requests, nudging Jake forward a step when Heeseung had moved from in front of him.

“Manners,” Jake mutters, not loud enough for other people to hear, just loud enough for Sunghoon’s ears to catch.

“Gimme one too, please, Jakey,” his boyfriend repeats, and this time Jake smiles tinily before grabbing two water bottles, turning around, and hanging one to Sunghoon. “Thank you, handsome.”

“Hm, you sound like you want something,” Jake accuses as the two of them walk to an empty corner of the practice room. The other three are occupied with their bags and coats, Jungwon and Jay, and Heeseung and Riki, respectively. Sunoo is sprawled out like a starfish in the middle of the room. “It’s too early for flattery on Park Sunghoon’s clock.“

“All I do is flatter you,” Sunghoon scowls as they sit down, backs to the mirrors. 

Like this, Jake finally has a moment where he isn’t drawn to stare at himself for what could possibly be qualified under all the wrong reasons. And while he thinks calling it monitoring makes it sound more professional in his head, he doubts that’s what it really is, on a more surface level. 

But he’s the one doing it, so he doesn’t have to think of it on a surface level. Or at least, that’s what he tells himself before shoving the detailed list of all the things he slacked on during their latest run-through to the back of his mind. He’d rather focus on what his boyfriend is trying to say right now.

“—because you’re the Sim Jaeyun, y’know?”

Jake blinks, not having a single clue about what Sunghoon is talking about. And it must show on his face as he’s taking another gulp of water (because Jake’s face and eyes give himself away the same way a dog’s tail gives itself away, annoyingly enough), seeing how Sunghoon raises his eyebrows at him.

“You weren’t listening, were you?”

“Guilty.” Jake has enough decency to be genuinely sheepish about the admission, urging Sunghoon to repeat himself after assuring him that he really is listening.

And Sunghoon does, but not before rolling his eyes and making a show of how annoying it is to repeat himself for Jake. 

(Jake knows Sunghoon isn’t actually annoyed though—he has the liberty of knowing that Sunghoon doesn’t mind explaining things again and again for Jake, repeating things over and over. It’s something he picked up on because Sunghoon likes to talk his ear off at night, and Jake is always out like a light the moment it’s bedtime, so it’s hard to have a steady conversation before bed. But Sunghoon always just runs his fingers through Jake’s hair, repeats his words for the nth time without complaint, and then everyone’s happy.)

“I was saying… That I’m always flattering you because you’re the Sim Jaeyun. I’m like, madly in love with you, and crazily attuned to you,” he says, tipping back the remainder of his water right after. He crushes the plastic bottle between his hands, and the crunchy, crinkly sound makes Jake wince.

“Attuned with me, how?” Jake asks for the sake of entertainment. Whether it’s to entertain himself or Sunghoon, he’s not too sure. Probably both of them.

“We’re soulmates,” Sunghoon proudly declares, as if it was anything new. Jake is about to say something along the lines of how that was (borderline) common knowledge at this point, but before he can, Sunghoon’s already opening his mouth again to say more. “I’m so attuned with you, to the point where I know that you’re a bit too in your own head right now.” Jake blanches, at a loss of what to say. He doesn’t look at Sunghoon though, because he doesn’t know what he’ll see, so he stays picking at the label on his water bottle. “Which I can’t have, Jakey. You’re with me, so pay attention to me!”

Sunghoon is whining petulantly, the way he does when he's trying to tease and lighten Jake’s mood. Jake didn’t think it’d work right now, but when he hesitantly raises his head and turns it ever so slightly to look at Sunghoon, the latter is just cupping his own face, and smiling sweetly at him.

“Aren’t I prettier to look at, hm? Why don’t you think about me, instead of whatever else is floating around?”

Jake doesn’t say anything immediately, but he does acknowledge that Sunghoon is pretty, and keeps looking at him. 

Sunghoon has always been handsome, Jake has known this since he met the other, a year and a half ago. He has the face of someone who deserves global fame, the proportions of someone who knows how to make the most mundane of tasks look elegant, and the heart of someone precious.

Sunghoon means a lot to Jake, quite obviously, and the reminder, in this moment, makes Jake smile just a little bit. It’s not the full grown, cheek to cheek smile Sunghoon is used to ripping out of his boyfriend, but it’s still one of his favourite looks in Jake.

“Kinda homesick,” Jake admits instead, referring to the ‘whatever else is floating around’, as Sunghoon has called it. His voice is a small whisper. 

It’s not necessarily a lie, despite those thoughts not being the ones he was originally thinking about. He’s been feeling a bit homesick for the past few days anyways, but didn’t say anything in hopes that it’ll pass soon. He’s had bouts and spurts like this before, and sometimes he’s too busy to linger on the feelings and really dwell on them.

He’d been hoping that it’d be like that this time too, but judging by the fact that he had just spoken to Sunghoon about it goes to show that the homesickness didn’t pass soon.

Jake knows he’s not alone when he feels like this, that had been pretty obvious when Riki had confided in him pretty early on into their debuted-career, and when Jake had walked in on Jay crying angry and frustrated tears.

“Yeah?” Sunghoon’s voice is small now too, but Jake knows it’s just so that he’s quiet—Sunghoon wouldn’t want to draw attention to them now that they’re talking about something more personal. “Are you gonna call home tonight? We have a couple free hours after this practice.”

Jake nods, shuffling just the tiniest bit closer to Sunghoon. Their ten minute break is almost up, so it may be a little useless, but Jake still lays his head on Sunghoon’s shoulder despite all the sweat caked onto both of them, just to feel the way Sunghoon pulls him closer with an arm around his shoulders, and holds him tighter.

Jake has never said it out loud, nor does he think he ever will vocalize it, but his boyfriend has still managed to catch into the fact that being close to Sunghoon, touching Sunghoon, always grounds him better than anything else. Words are nice as affirmation, but Jake feels safest when he can feel the warmth of Sunghoon beneath his hands, and hear his heart beat in time with his own.

“Yeah, I wanna see Layla too,” he nods, feeling the weight of Sunghoon’s head on his own. It’s a comforting and familiar weight.

“Seeing Layla makes you happy, right?” Sunghoon asks, but Jake doesn’t know why. Sunghoon, and practically everyone, already knows the answer to that. Despite that though, Jake nods his head. “You’re like my Layla, Jakey. I’m always so happy when I see you,” Sunghoon finishes, knocking their heads together gently. 

Jake snorts, but the small smile tugging the corners of his lips up isn’t lost on Sunghoon.

“Well then, aren’t you glad we live together, Hoon?”

Sunghoon grins.

“So, so glad.”

»«

Jake catches Jay alone just to tell him he’s gonna be on the phone with his parents for a bit, and it ends with Jay telling him to take his time, and that he’ll go bother Heeseung in the meantime. 

“But it’s your room too,” Jake had tried to reason. “I can put in headphones or—”

“Dude,” Jay cut him off, looking at him sincerely. “They’re your parents. And it’s not like I’m gonna spend days out of the room, right?” Jay was teasing, and it had been enough to let Jake know it really was fine.

So he’s here now, freshly showered with the bedroom door closed shut behind him. Jake assumes that Sunghoon or Jay, or maybe the both of them, had let the others know that he’d be on a phone call, and to not enter the room.

Jake feels nervous for some reason as he’s sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the contact on his phone. Maybe it’s because the stupid mirror ruined his day, and homesickness had been plaguing his mind alongside his self critique.

He’s definitely had better days…

Jake sighs, and calls his mother. Despite feeling like there was something nagging in the back of his brain, and the somewhat achy feeling in his chest, he knows that hearing his mother’s voice sooner than later will make it better.

And it does.

He doesn’t even get to say hello before his mother is requesting a video call instead. Jake hadn’t opted for one in the first place because hearing his parents’ voices would’ve been enough—and because he knows he will cry if he sees their faces. 

But his mother gets what she wants, which is why Jake almost giddily accepts the video call. It’s refreshing to see his parents’ faces, even more refreshing to hear Layla’s distinct barking in the back.

Jake spends around an hour on the phone, despite his original, half an hour allocated slot of time. Thankfully, Jay is able to read context clues, and doesn’t come into their room before Jake comes out. 

And Jake is grateful for that, since it means Jay didn’t have to walk in on Jake’s crying.

Jake never considered himself to be an ugly crier, but then one day, he cried in the practice room in front of those wonderfully large and clean mirrors. Seeing his face in ultra high definition after bawling his eyes out had put one or two things into perspective. 

Sunghoon doesn’t think he’s an ugly crier, but Sunghoon is disgustingly biased. Even Jake could say that Sunghoon isn’t an ugly crier and mean it. That doesn’t necessarily mean his boyfriend will believe him, so his point stands.

Anyways, the present point is that Jake is glad Jay didn’t have to walk in on him crying uglily, with his nose red, with his eyes swollen, with his blubbering as he says bye to his parents, and promises to call them more often.

He really, really should call them more often.

Despite it being a hassle to get his nose to stop running, he does find that he feels better after the call. His mother’s familiar voice, his father’s familiar and comforting words, Layla’s familiar barking , of all things…

Jake had been reminded of home, and while he now gets to spend the better portion of his life (hopefully) doing what he’s always wanted to do, it’s both bittersweet and sentimental to be reminded of the life he had before all of this. Especially because everything had changed so quickly.

Two years ago, he had been in a completely different place, living a completely different life, interacting with a completely different circle. Now he’s in Seoul, his band is a worldwide name, and his day-to-day interactions range from his members to other elites whose names are known worldwide.

As overwhelming as it is, he knows that he also isn’t alone in experiencing all of this—of course he isn’t. All of the other members had experienced a complete one-hundred and eighty degree flip from their previous lives as well.

Except maybe Sunghoon, his mind amusingly supplies. Jake rolls his eyes at his own thoughts. He’d always had a knack for being a star.

Jake agrees. In any context, in any life, in any universe, Jake believes Sunghoon had been made for stardom. He’d been made to be known and adored, and in this life he’s a member of ENHYPEN who shines brighter than any star in the galaxy. Or maybe he’s just the brightest star in Jake’s galaxy, and the lines between his own perspective and the mundane, generic view of the world are getting blurred.

Anyways,

At the influx of thoughts about his boyfriend, Jake sniffs once more and then opens his messages with Sunghoon.

me

are you alone, baekgu?

Sunghoon’s reply comes a minute later; not a few seconds shorter or later.

soulmate (romantic!!)

i am now, lover ;)

Sunghoon adds the winking face probably just for the sake of sending it. Jake knows that Sunghoon is always alone when Jake says he’s going to call home. And it’s definitely because Sunghoon isn’t dense, and he’s picked up on the fact that Jake more than likely cried on the phone, and now wants to spend time with him.

It’s another one of those silent things which Jake will never vocalize, therefore he’s glad the other is so, quote-unquote, attuned to him. Enough to pick up on it.

Jake gets up from his bed without much else, and pulls his hood over his head so that the others don’t ask about how atrociously swollen his eyes are. He trusts they can piece two and two together, but some of them (namely: Jungwon, Heeseung, and Sunoo) still ask in case he’d like to talk about it.

Jake never wants to talk about it. And if he does, it’s usually with lackluster detail, and to Sunghoon only.

He still knocks once he’s outside of Sunghoon’s shared bedroom door, because he had courtesy like that. He doesn't outwardly hear anything to accompany Sunghoon’s “Come in!” , so he deems that they really are alone.

Jake enters the room and immediately spots Sunghoon sitting up against the headboard of his bed. He’s looking down at something on his phone, but when the door opens, he looks up to meet Jake’s eyes.

Then Sunghoon smiles sweetly, and Jake returns it tinily. He enters the room and closes the door behind him, and then makes his way towards the other. Sunghoon already has an arm lifted, ready for Jake to slip under and against him. Which he does, promptly.

Sunghoon had also showered, and he smells like the body soap he uses. He’s also warm, but that may have something to do with how his legs are under his blanket, and how he’s wearing a hoodie which looks far too large on him.

“Aigoo…” Sunghoon coos like an elderly ajumma would, something which Jake smacks his shoulder in reprimation for every time. But he doesn't this time, because his two hands are curled around Sunghoon’s arm and occupied , thank you very much. Sunghoon’s other hand is free to move around though, which is why it comes up to wipe away at some remnant, rebellious tears which decided that now was the right time to make their appearance. “You’re pink all over, Jakey.”

“Shut up, Sunghoon,” Jake grumbles, but his actions don’t match his words: Jake scoots that much closer to Sunghoon, until they’re pressed together everywhere, even through the barrier that their clothes serve. “Just go back to what you were doing.”

Jake sniffs, and he closes his eyes before he can see Sunghoon kiss his head. He still feels it though, of course he does. He still feels Sunghoon’s never chapped lips press a soft and sweet peck on his forehead, one which conveys all the words Sunghoon won’t say right now, because Jake hates talking when he’s like this, but still wants Jake to understand

And Jake always does understand. He lets Sunghoon know by tightening his hold on the younger’s arm, and laying his head on his shoulder.

Maybe he sniffles a few more times, but it’s lost between the volume of the video Sunghoon starts playing out loud.

And somewhere between watching cute animal compilations on Sunghoon’s phone and playing with Sunghoon’s fingers, Jake succumbs to the warmth and comfort his boyfriend provides and falls asleep.

The last thing he registers is Sunghoon’s fingers lacing themselves with his own, and then the rest is a fuzzy cloud of dreamless sleep.

»«

Over the next couple of days, Sunghoon notices a few things.

Well, maybe he just noticed one thing, but it’s one thing which consists of many small things. One thing which he had noticed because of the multiple small things he had picked up on too.

Like how his boyfriend had been quieter than usual.

Like how Jake doesn’t contribute much to the conversations they have over meals.

Like how Sunghoon doesn’t hear Jake’s laugh as many times as he’s used to during the day.

It’s another day where they’re scheduled to slave away the majority of their hours in the practice room, and Sunghoon sees that Jake keeps looking at himself in the mirror as they take a fifteen minute break to catch their breath.

Which is, okay, understandable . If Sunghoon had the luxury of timelessness, then he’d spend a good chunk of eternity just staring at Jake too. So he gets that, he does, but it just doesn’t make much sense when it’s Jake staring at himself .

Don’t get Sunghoon wrong, or Jake wrong for that matter, since his boyfriend acknowledges how handsome he is. But that was for moments in front of the camera, and moments where they were alone in the bathroom. Jake isn’t overly , or even that much outwardly, loud about it. It’s something Sunghoon finds cute.

Therefore it’s a bit more than obvious, to him at least, that the reason why Jake has been staring at his reflection for the past three minutes couldn’t have been anything particularly great.

But, again, Sunghoon knows better than to ask about it here, where the other members and the choreographer are within open earshot. 

Jake wouldn’t ever speak up in the practice room. It’s already a bit of a feat to get him to speak up when they’re alone, and it’s nothing which bothers Sunghoon, of course not, but it’s something he’s observed. Trying to breach the topic right now would just make Jake uncomfortable, and that was the last thing Sunghoon wanted to do.

Jake already looks like he’s ready for the day to be over, and while Sunghoon is sure talking about it will alleviate at least a bit of the load clearly weighing his boyfriend down, he can’t and won’t make Jake do anything he didn’t want to.

So for now, Sunghoon just accompanies the other on the floor, nudging their shoulders together in an attempt to snap Jake out of whatever thoughts are running rampant in his mind.

It works.

“Hoonie,” Jake says with a bit of surprise, as if he wasn’t seated right in front of a mirror and couldn’t have seen Sunghoon’s reflection approaching. Sunghoon frowns internally, noting that Jake really had been a bit too in his own head if he wasn’t able to notice Sunghoon’s approaching figure. “What time is it?”

“It’s a bit after three,” he answers, offering Jake his water when he notices that Jake’s own bottle is empty. Jake accepts the water with a mumbled “Thank you” under his breath. “We’re done at five, and then have the rest of the night off.”

Jake nods, and he finishes the rest of the water in Sunghoon’s bottle. When he realizes this, he looks at his boyfriend sheepishly. The familiar and endearing look on his face makes Sunghoon smile too, the tight feeling in his chest uncoiling just the tiniest bit.

“Do you want another?” he asks instead of saying anything else.

“If you don’t mind,” Jake mumbles, fiddling with the empty plastic. Sunghoon snatches it from his hand, alongside Jake’s previously empty water bottle, the same time he gets up. “Sorry,” he adds, and it makes Sunghoon’s eyebrows furrow.

“Don’t say sorry,” he dismisses, ruffling Jake’s hair lightly. “Don’t you know that I like doing things for you?”

Unexpectedly, Jake’s shoulders drop at his words. It takes Sunghoon aback, since whenever he repeats the declaration, Jake either blushes or looks embarrassed before letting Sunghoon do whatever he wants. But right now, Jake can’t even look up at him, and stays looking down at his fingers as he picks at his cuticles.

It doesn’t look like Jake is going to say anything else, so Sunghoon doesn’t either before making his way to throw the trash and bring them both new bottles. He makes quick work of it because he wants to spend some time with Jake before their break time runs out.

When Sunghoon makes it back to the corner where Jake is sitting, he’s still picking at his nails. It makes Sunghoon frown, since it’s not a common habit of Jake’s. Sunghoon only ever catches Jake picking his cuticles or nails when the other is too absentminded to pay his actions much mind.

“Don’t do that, baby,” Sunghoon whispers when he goes to sit down next to Jake again.

The sound of Sunghoon’s voice immediately has Jake pausing. He looks down at his fingers for a few seconds before tucking his hands into the sleeves of his sweater, and then finally, finally looking at Sunghoon.

“Sorry,” Jake says again, and this time, Sunghoon can’t hide the small frown which paints his face. He takes a water bottle from where Sunghoon had set them down between them. “Thank you, Hoon-ah.”

Sunghoon sighs, but doesn’t say anything else.

However, he’s only human. He’s only Park Sunghoon, Sim Jaeyun’s boyfriend, and he can only endure so much silence.

So Sunghoon sits in the quiet with Jake for a few more minutes just to see if Jake has anything to say. And when he doesn’t make a move to say anything, Sunghoon does.

He scoots around until he’s sitting right in front of Jake and blocking the other’s view of his reflection in the mirror. Whatever he was thinking when he had his eyes trained on his reflection promptly leaves his mind: Sunghoon can see it in the way Jake’s eyes snap to his own.

“Jake,” he starts, and the immediate use of his proper name alerts Jake enough to know that Sunghoon probably has something rather important to say. He’s always calling Jake nicknames and pet names, otherwise. “I’ll always listen, you know that, right?”

Jake meets Sunghoon’s eyes with a bit of hesitance, but once he does, he’s met with a familiar look.

There’s a reason he so proudly calls Sunghoon his soulmate. And it probably has something, along with other things, to do with the fact that when Jake looks into Sunghoon’s eyes, he always only sees patience and feelings . Feelings which he will never see in someone else's eyes, because Sunghoon is his soulmate, for crying out loud.

Jake sees the underlying concern in his eyes, past the honesty which comes from Sunghoon’s words. Jake sees it all, Jake can read Sunghoon like an open book, Jake can understand Sunghoon with just one look . 

Which is why he more than understands Sunghoon’s eagerness to make Jake feel better. Sunghoon had noticed, because of course he had. And likewise, Jake notices what’s in front of himt too.

“I know,” Jake whispers, words as sincere as the molten pool of emotion in his eyes. Sunghoon picks up on it instantly, because there isn’t a world where he isn’t attuned to Jake, like he so often takes indulgence in bragging about. “And I’ll always listen to you too, Sunghoon.”

“Jake,” Sunghoon sighs again, and this time there’s an undertone which is very prominent in his tone. Jake is immediately able to pick up on it because whenever he’s on the receiving end of it, it means that Sunghoon is trying to make him understand. “I know you will, and I’m very grateful for that. But that’s not what I’m trying to get at here, and I have a feeling that you know that.”

Sunghoon’s blunt words are a bit of a blow to Jake, despite the latter knowing that his boyfriend would be able to pick up on his dimmer aura, sooner or later. He just didn’t think it’d be this soon.

“Do you still miss home? Is it really bad this time?” Sunghoon asks once Jake doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. Jake feels the other’s hand find his own, gentle fingers wrapping around his own clammy ones. “If you wanna cry, let it out. Just… Talk to me, baby, yeah?”

Jake focuses on the feeling of Sunghoon’s hand over his own, and hears the other’s words ringing over and over again in his head.

Talk to me, baby, yeah?

Jake looks like he’s about to say something, but it's at that exact moment that the choreographer and Jungwon start calling them back to focus and formation.

Their break is over.

Sunghoon lets Jake pull him back up on his feet, but doesn’t feel that earlier coil loosen even the slightest bit when Jake sends him a gentle smile.

“Thank you, Park Sunghoon,” Jake says genuinely, leaning in and pressing the sublest of kisses to his cheek. It had been a bit bold since the choreographer is in the same room as them, but he supposes that something like that has never really deterred Jake. “I know I can always talk to you.”

Knowing it and actually doing it… Sunghoon thinks as Jake lets his hand go, and then gets into his position. Almost immediately, his eyes are glued, hyper fixated, honestly, on his reflection. There’s a look in his eyes which burns brighter than a lot of Jake’s other emotions, and the coil is so, so tightly wound in Sunghoon’s chest. … Are two different things.

»«

Jake feels bad for worrying Sunghoon, and he’d have made sure to catch a moment alone with his boyfriend and make use of it , if it weren’t for the way his mind had been dangerously whirring around all day.

A headache would be putting it heavily, solely because there’s no dull, constant ache which is annoying Jake. It’s not a migraine either, because there’s no throbbing pain which makes even blinking a great deal of a task. But he is still not in the mood to be a particularly well-functioning human, which is why he insists on just sitting on his bed with Sunghoon.

Jay had gone somewhere for the rest of the night with Jungwon, and while Jake hadn’t asked for details, he thinks they went shopping and are gonna get dinner together before coming back. Sunoo and Riki are up to something together somewhere in the dorm, and Heeseung is glued to the front of the television playing some game he ordered last week.

The details of what’s happening outside of the four walls of his bedroom are a bit fuzzy, and while Jake had apologized numerous times for wasting a night off with each other like this because of his loud, unbearably loud, at this point, and overactive brain (though that wasn’t how he described it to Sunghoon), Sunghoon had insisted that they don’t need to do anything more than this. Especially if Jake wasn’t feeling up for it.

And while the words were meant to be comforting, they just reminded Jake of one thing: he hasn’t been up for a lot lately, and he thinks Sunghoon has easily picked up on it.

He feels bad about that, on top of feeling terrible for worrying Sunghoon.

His boyfriend likes those things, he likes cooking in the kitchen together even though it’s guaranteed they’ll make a mess. He likes watching movies together on the couch and ignoring the way the other members fake gag at their displays of affection. He likes stealing intimate moments between the hecticness of their everyday lives, collecting pockets of time which they can call their own.

Sunghoon was romantic like that, and Jake loved that about him. 

Jake likes doing all of those things with Sunghoon too, but he just knows that all of those things won’t be the same, for either of them, if he wasn’t thinking right in the first place. And for the past week, he really, really hasn’t been thinking right. His head always hurts, his eyes keep finding mirrors, and his heart aches when it’s nighttime and he’s sleeping in his bed because it’s nothing like the bed in his parents’ house.

He hadn’t told Sunghoon all of this, because he doesn’t want to bring him into this. Jake wasn’t lying when he said he knows he can tell Sunghoon anything, or when he acknowledged that Sunghoon will always listen to him. Jake had gone to Sunghoon in the past regarding personal and emotional things before, so he knows Sunghoon isn’t doubting him.

Which leads Jake to also knowing that Sunghoon is just growing more and more concerned as he continues to be the most patient boyfriend on Earth, waiting for Jake to come to him first with whatever is bothering him.

Because it’s as clear as day, that something is definitely bothering him.

“No more thinking,” Sunghoon mutters, probably noticing how Jake had been stuck on the same page without flipping, for the past ten minutes. His hands come to gently take the book from Jake’s hands and set it onto the bedside table, but not before bookmarking the page. “C’mere.”

Sunghoon doesn’t necessarily give Jake time to move before one of his hands is moving up to cup his cheek. He brings Jake’s face forward himself, and before Jake knows what’s happening, Sunghoon is kissing him.

Sunghoon starts off every kiss like this: soft, as if it was the first time they’d kissed. Which is kind of sweet, if Jake is being honest. He likes kissing Sunghoon because of that, and he likes the way they bleed into the natural flow of each other only a few lip-locks later, tongues parting lips and breaths being breathed into each others’ mouths.

He also likes the humming sounds Sunghoon lets out against his lips when Jake wraps his arms around him, if only to pull him closer.

Closer, closer, and closer. 

Jake will always want to get even closer to Sunghoon. 

“My handsome Jakey,” Sunghoon whispers sweetly into the skin of Jake’s neck: he had broken their kiss in favour of trailing his full lips along his skin. He can feel Jake’s fingers tightening in the fabric of his t-shirt as his kisses trail wetter over his skin. 

Sunghoon relishes in making Jake feel this way.

But it doesn’t last long, because Jake pulls Sunghoon back up, and seals their mouths together again.

“You’re a really good kisser,” Jake notes between breaths, and it’s a stupid, silly comment which makes Sunghoon smile. The latter had been able to piece together what his boyfriend thinks of his kissing abilities long before Jake had admitted it out loud. Just like he’s able to do with so many other things, when in relation to Jake. “But can we…”

Sunghoon leans away just to give Jake enough space to breathe and speak, and it’s a feat to just wait when he’s staring directly at Jake’s kiss-swollen, red lips. But when he takes the bottom one between his teeth in a familiar, anxious habit, Sunghoon’s eyes snap up to Jake’s eyes.

For the nth time this week, they look apologetic.

“Can we just kiss, Sunghoonie? I don’t feel like doing anything else,” Jake whispers, eyes downcast as he speaks.

“Hey,” Sunghoon calls softly. “Look at me, Jakey.” Jake does, but with a bit of difficulty. The apologetic look is still in his eyes as they meet, and it makes Sunghoon want to press his lips into a thin line at the sight. But he doesn't, because he knows that Jake would rather see a smile right now. “Look at me… But not like that.”

Jake blanches, and looks like he’s about to say that godforsaken word again, so Sunghoon continues to speak before he can.

“Did you think I’d be disappointed? You know it takes a lot more for me to be disappointed. You also seem to have forgotten that I don’t think I’d ever be disappointed in you .”

“Sunghoon—”

“I hate it when you apologize for things which aren’t your fault,” he interrupts, and it shuts Jake up quicker than anything else he’s ever done. “Were you going to say that you were sorry, Jake?” Expectedly, with a bit of hesitance, Jake nods his head slowly, and Sunghoon’s heart sinks. “Jake… What’s wrong? And don’t say that nothing is. I’m your soulmate, yeah? I know these things, I know you . And I know something’s wrong.”

“I…” Jake starts, but can’t continue without taking a shaky breath. He looks over Sunghoon’s shoulder for a moment just to collect himself, but when he does, he catches a small, small glimpse of himself in the mirror Jay keeps on his bedside table. And it’s enough to make his head start whirring again. “I—I’m just tired of feeling like I’m worrying you.” It’s half of the truth, but it’s all Jake can bear to tell Sunghoon right now. “W-We haven’t cooked together in a while, and I always ask to just spend time alone, and you wanted to do more tonight but I—I just don’t want to disappoint you, Sunghoon. I’m sorry,” Jake rambles, the apology slipping past his lips before he can think twice about it.

“None of that would ever disappoint me, Jake,” Sunghoon says seriously, his voice firm with conviction. “I don’t care if we haven’t done any of those things for a while, not when you’re not feeling up to it. I like spending time with you Jake, no matter how and no matter where. I know it’s been a rough couple days, okay?” Sunghoon pauses briefly just to hold both of Jake’s hands in his. “But I want to thank you for still choosing to be with me while you’re not feeling the best. I’m with you, baby, always, alright? I’m right by your side, ready for whenever you need me, the same way I know you’ll be ready for whenever I need you.”

Jake nods his head furiously, assuring Sunghoon that yes , he will always be next to him for whenever Sunghoon needs him.

“You make me really happy,” Jake whispers, squeezing Sunghoon’s hands in his own. “I just want to make you happy too.”

“And you do,” Sunghoon assures without a second of hesitation. He tips Jake’s head up, and presses a peck to his lips. “You make me unimaginably happy.” Jake smiles, and while it doesn’t fully reach his eyes, it’s the brightest smile he’s received from his boyfriend in a  while. “You said you wanted kisses?” Sunghoon prompts, tone half teasing, and half eager.

It makes Jake’s smile just that much brighter. He bridges the gap between their lips, and wraps his arms around Sunghoon’s neck in a familiar hold.

“Kissing you…” Jake starts, dragging the younger’s bottom lip out while he pulls away for a second to breathe. “Makes me feel really good,” he admits shyly.

He’s shy, but Sunghoon is able to catch onto the dual meaning of the words. Kissing makes Jake feel good, and he wants to keep kissing because he hasn’t been feeling good.

Despite the coil in his chest making itself known once more, Sunghoon ignores it now in favour of kissing Jake and making him feel good, because more than anything, Sunghoon doesn’t want Jake to keep feeling what this way.

“I like making you feel good,” Sunghoon whispers against Jake’s lips, hears his boyfriend giggle lightly, and seals the sound shut with a kiss.

»«

Jake is beyond tired of seeing his own reflection. But it’s impossible to escape from it.

The practice room is where he spends more than half of his time, so of course he’s grown accustomed to his reflection. The mirror image of himself which doesn’t ever seem to move quite the way he wants it to.

And it’s starting to get really, really frustrating.

It didn’t used to be this frustrating, it used to be easier than this for Jake to look himself in the mirror, monitor everything he could improve on, and then, well, improve.

But that’s not how things have been going lately.

Lately, monitoring hasn’t been enough. Adding on the fact that he’s been feeling sluggish for days, and that the whirring had developed into a full blown, near constant headache, Jake feels the patience he has with himself run thin.

There are a lot of things Jake can be calm and cool-headed about. But it doesn’t seem like he can grant himself the same courtesy. He’s starting to grate his own nerves.

There’s not a lot of time before they’re scheduled to film their new music video, and Jake is beyond agitated with himself for not meeting the mental standard he created for himself when he first saw the choreography video for their new dance. Clocks keep ticking, and days keep passing, but Jake is not improving, like he told himself he would.

When there’s no improvement, that means he’s reached an end. And he doesn’t want to reach an end, not this soon, and not really ever. So he’s been gritting his teeth all throughout today in a futile attempt to get it together and be what he so desperately wants to be, but it has been exactly that: futile.

No one had called him out on his dancing, because there was nothing to call out. Jake can admit that on the outside, on a maybe semi-surface level, he’s on track. He has all of the choreography memorized, he’s in synchronization with everyone, his movements are shape and precise, and he’s not even behind on that quarter beat.

He supposes it’s now become a personal thing then.

Jake doesn’t know how he does it, but he manages to get everyone, including Sunghoon, off of his back when he says he’ll stay back for another hour or two after they’re dismissed from practice.

Jungown had asked a lot of questions, Heeseung had given him the side eye, and Sunghoon had definitely been giving him something more than just a side eye. But Jake had assured them all that he’ll be back in time for dinner, and that there were just a few last minute things he’d like to brush up on.

They had left him alone after that, but not before taking his order for what he wanted for dinner from the restaurant they had settled on. Before Jake knows it: he’s alone in the practice room, and a bit more determined than usual with a fiery passion coursing through his veins.

Sunghoon knows better than to bother Jake when he’s in a certain mindset, but it’s been two hours since he had left his boyfriend in the practice rooms, and he’s still yet to return. Normally, Sunghoon wouldn’t be monitoring the seconds ticking by like this, but given Jake’s earlier insistence, and his condition from the past week, Sunghoon finds his worrying to be called for.

Despite that though, he gives Jake the benefit of the doubt by telling himself to just wait another half an hour, that maybe the traffic was bad for some reason or another. 

In the back of his mind though, Sunghoon knows that he’s just prolonging the inevitable.

So when that half an hour’s time is up, Sunghoon doesn’t hesitate before springing up from his seat at the table, and going to put on his shoes and jacket. It had been snowing the past few days, so Sunghoon makes sure he’s warm, and brings Jake’s jacket with him, because of course his boyfriend had forgotten to bring one with his current state of mind.

“Where are you going?” Jay asks as he’s passing by. He looks at Sunghoon with an eyebrow raised, and then notices the extra jacket in his hand. “Is Jake…?”

“Not back yet,” Sunghoon grumbles, pulling his beanie over his ears and throwing Jay a quick look. “Tell the others where I’m at, yeah? I have my phone with me.”

Jay nods with a slight frown on his face, and lets Sunghoon leave without much else. The younger appreciates that, seeing as he’d like to make it to Jake as soon as possible. 

He didn’t even want to leave the other to his own devices in the first place, but Jake is stubborn when he’s determined, and only when he’s determined. Sunghoon has learned that he’s quite the people pleaser in other cases. Because of this, he knew trying to convince Jake to come back with them would’ve probably just escalated into an unnecessary argument, so he had let it go while trying to convince himself it wasn’t a big deal.

Alas, now he finds himself in this situation.

Sunghoon thanks the company driver who had picked him up from their dorm once he arrives at the company building, and then says it’s okay for the driver to leave and that he doesn’t have to wait for Sunghoon to come back. Mainly because Sunghoon himself doesn’t know how long it’ll take to convince Jake to come back home with him.

He makes his way back up to the practice room he’d been in a few hours ago, and the closer he gets to the room, the louder the music sounds.

Sunghoon sighs, and picks up the pace just the tiniest bit.

His hand is on the doorknob, and he’s twisting the door open in no time. 

Music explodes in his ears, a sound so loud that he feels it through his body: vibrations and everything.

The first thing Sunghoon notices is that Jake isn’t facing the mirror which is adjacent to the door. He’s facing the mirror perpendicular to it, and from his spot in the doorframe, Sunghoon is able to get a perfect view of Jake’s side profile.

The second thing Sunghoon notices is that Jake doesn’t notice him. He doesn’t acknowledge his presence, and okay, Sunghoon can understand that under the excuse of their yet to be released title track blaring at an obscene volume throughout the practice room. But Sunghoon had assumed that if anything, Jake would notice movement in the reflection in the mirror. Then again though, there’s something about how Jake has been hyper fixating on himself whenever he’s in front of these mirrors.

And the third thing Sunghoon notices is that the music stops abruptly, drenching everything in loud, striking silence.

Jake’s breathing is all the more prominent like this: loud, ragged, and harsh panting as he struggles to catch his breath.

Sunghoon is sure that this is his cue to step in, to get his boyfriend water, a towel, a scolding on overworking himself, but what stops him from doing so is the way Jake leans over, hands pressed just above his knees. His shoulders have stopped heaving up and down, and while Sunghoon thinks he’s going to puke, or something along those lines, Jake proves him wrong by letting out a frustrated scream, and then falling into a heap on the floor.

He knows now that this is his cue. So he steps into the practice room with hurried steps, tosses Jake’s jacket to the side, and sinks down onto the floor next to a shaking Jake.

Sunghoon thinks the shaking is from him still trying to catch his breath until he gets closer, and sees Jake’s tears, along with hearing Jake’s miserable cries.

“Jakey, Jake-ah,” Sunghoon shushes, just to say something to break up the thoughts he knows are swirling ruthlessly in his boyfriend’s head. “It’s me, Sunghoonie, okay? You’re okay, Jakey, you’re okay…”

Sunghoon takes his jacket off so that there’s less between him and Jake, and then gently manages to bring Jake up into a sitting position.

From touching him through his shirt, Sunghoon notes that Jake is hot . And whether it’s from exertion or from something else (God forbid it’s a fever ), Sunghoon needs him to cool down and calm down as soon as possible.

Putting his hands on Jake’s bare arms to lean him up against the mirrors, Sunghoon realizes he’s even hotter . Thankfully, the mirrors are cool, and the younger hopes Jake is able to find some relief in that.

“S-So many mirrors,” Jake manages to get out, cheeks flushed, eyes wet, lips wobbling with each word he gets past them. “I don’t wanna look, Sunghoon, I—I don’t wanna—”

“Don’t look,” Sunghoon soothes, sidling up next to Jake and guiding his head until Jake is pressed into his neck. Like this, if his eyes were open, he’d only be getting a front row seat to the moles on Sunghoon’s neck. “Don’t look, baby. Just breathe for me, yeah? Take a breath Jake, slowly, slowly…”

Jake squeezes his eyes shut, and feels bad for a fraction of a second about getting his sweat, grime, and tears on Sunghoon and his clothes, but then the other pulls him that much closer, and Jake is reminded that Sunghoon doesn’t care about trivial things like his sweat and whatnot.

He didn’t realize how bone-tired he was until he had Sunghoon to lean against, his muscles screaming in exertion, and his body temperature reaching an almost uncomfortable level of warmth. He feels gross , and the addled mess his mind had become doesn't add anything helpful to that mix either.

With Sunghoon’s hand patting a gentle rhythm on Jake’s back, however, the latter is back to breathing evenly sooner rather than later.

“Don’t fall asleep,” Sunghoon tsks softly, but it’s enough to work, and has Jake’s eyes fluttering open. “We need to talk, Jakey.”

Immediately upon hearing those words, Jake shrinks back into Sunghoon’s side, and hides his face once more.

“Jake-ah,” Sunghoon sighs, shuffling around until he’s now sitting directly in front of Jake. The new positioning makes the latter look at the ground between them. “You know I’d never make you do something you don’t want to, which is why I waited for you to come to me. But after tonight… Talk to me, baby. I promise talking it out makes everything feel lighter…”

Jake’s eyebrows pinch, and his bottom lip trembles. Sunghoon can’t see it too well while Jake is still looking at the ground, but when the latter lifts his head up to look at Sunghoon, he can see it all well. And it makes his heart clench, the coil once again tightening.

“Did I…” Jake starts in a whisper. “… Disappoint you, H-Hoonie?” The coil snaps.

Sunghoon immediately shakes his head, thumbing away the tear which slips past Jake’s eye.

“No, of course not,” he denies sincerely, looking into Jake’s eyes to make sure he understands. “You didn’t, you never could, okay?”

Sunghoon waits for Jake to nod before he feels a bit better.

But it doesn’t last for long, since Jake takes a shaky breath before admitting with a cracked voice that,

“I disappoint myself.”

Sunghoon’s hand, still cupping Jake’s cheek, tightens just the tiniest bit. He’s about to say something, but the admission seemed to have been enough for Jake to open the floodgates, and now words just keep tumbling past his lips.

“I’m so sick of the mirrors—I see everything I’m doing wrong every time, and they’re so big and everywhere, and I can’t get it right even after practicing, and practicing, and practicing. I just wanna be better, and it’s n-not working… I can't get it right, and it’s been bothering me for days , and now I brought you into the mess—” Sunghoon breathes in sharply, but it’s not enough to deter Jake’s ramble. “And I’m sorry , I hate it too Sunghoon, I really do. A-And I… Miss home so much, it didn’t go away after talking to my p-parents. It's so bad this time, I don’t know why…”

Jake takes a gasp to catch his breath, and then a soft sob spills past his lips right after. It has Sunghoon’s heart breaking in two in his chest.

“I’m tired ,” Jake admits, and he sounds so small, so defeated, that Sunghoon wants to give him the world. “I’m so tired, Sunghoon-ah.”

Sunghoon doesn’t say anything at first, taking a few moments to absorb everything Jake had finally confessed to. He also takes the time to hush his boyfriend, and wipe his tears away. Jake sniffles, and when he looks up at Sunghoon, the latter sends him a small smile. And while it’s not a lot, it makes Jake smile back at him.

“Jaeyun-ah,” Sunghoon starts after having enough time to process Jake’s words. The use of his Korean name has Jake staring right into Sunghoon’s eyes, his ears listening to his boyfriend attentively. “I love you.” Almost instantaneously, Jake’s eyes water. It makes Sunghoon smile a small smile again, and he braces his thumbs, ready to swipe away at the other's tears. “I… I can’t take the mirrors away, but I promise to make you see what I see.” Sunghoon’s voice is soft, and if Jake was capable of melting, he’s sure he’d be a puddle on the floor by now. “I can’t make you feel less sorry, but I can promise you that I will always love being next to you no matter what. I don’t think of you as a mess , Jaeyun-ah. I think of you as my boyfriend, my partner, my soulmate. ” Like Sunghoon had predicted, Jake’s tears flow freely now as he listens to him. “And I can’t—I can’t take you home right now, baby, but I promise to do everything I can to make you feel at home whenever you’re with me.”

Jake hears Sunghoon’s last promise, and the dam breaks loose. 

His tears are running down his face too fast for Sunghoon to catch them all, so he settles on cupping Jake’s cheeks with both of his palms and kissing him instead.

It should be gross, with Jake’s tears slipping into their kiss, with his snotty nose rubbing against Sunghoon’s nose, with his lips trembling and unintelligible blubbers bubbling through.

But Sunghoon doesn’t care, because Jake needs to know that he means all of his promises: Jake needs to understand that Sunghoon loves him.

“S-Sunghoon,” Jake gasps breathlessly when the other finally pulls away. He sees sight of the younger’s face, grimaces in a way which does not escape Sunghoon, and then uses the hem of his own shirt to wipe at the tears and snot Jake had managed to get on Sunghoon’s face. When he’s done, there’s barely an inch of space between them. “I love you too… I love you.”

“I know that now is a hard time,” Sunghoon whispers, pressing their foreheads together. November had been difficult for Jake alongside them being busy with schedules. December wasn’t any better with the onslaught of new schedules, what with the end of the year award shows and the repackage album. “And I’m afraid it’ll stay like this for a while. But just because things are hard doesn’t mean you have to deal with them alone. We’re a team, Jaeyun, but more importantly, you and I share a soul, baby,” Sunghoon reminds him, using their favourite metaphor. Though, perhaps somewhere in the universe, they really did come from the same star: there’s no other way to explain what they make each other feel. “When you’re happy, I’m happy. When you’re sad, I’m sad. When you’re hurting, I’m hurting. We share so much, Jakey, don’t think that sharing your thoughts and feelings with me will be any different, okay?”

Jake nods his head vehemently, at a loss of what exactly to say after hearing Sunghoon’s overwhelming words. Each and every one had been bleeding with affection, to the point where Jake thinks that even a simple “I love you” doesn’t cut it anymore.

But still, it’s the only way he knows to convey just how full to brim with emotions he feels right now.

“I love you,” he says again, shuffling closer until he’s practically in Sunghoon’s lap. He hugs Sunghoon tight, and despite all the sweat, all the tears, all the snot, Jake doesn’t want to ever leave Sunghoon’s arms. “Sunghoon-ah… I love you.”

“I love you too, Jaeyun,” Sunghoon whispers right into his ear, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Jake may hate practicing in a room full of mirrors, and he may hate how he hasn’t seen his parents in months , and he may hate how he feels like he’ll disappoint Sunghoon…

But he loves the idea of having a home in Sunghoon.

And he really loves how Sunghoon always wants to be next to him.

And he…

He loves Park Sunghoon.

Jake may hate a lot of things right now, but if the one thing he could never hate is Park Sunghoon—

He supposes that that’s enough.