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“He’s a complete mess.”
Gyehyeon's eyes darted to his front door when Yeonho suddenly came, who had a key to his apartment for some reason. He wondered how Yeonho could he had the key. Had he stolen his key, and gotten a new key of his own cut? Why would he do such a thing?
“Hello?! Are you even listening to me?!” Yeonho waved his hands in front of Gyehyeon's face, which snapped him back to reality.
“Why do you have a key to my apartment?” He asked, dumbly.
Yeonho gave his friend a flat look, before he took a deep breath, “It’s your spare key that you gave to Yongseung. He asked me to return it to you, along with some of your things that you left at his place.”
Oh. That made sense. Gyehyeon nodded. “Right. Thank you.”
Yeonho scrunched his eyebrows up, disconcerted. “So, you’re just gonna ignore everything I said about how Kangmin has been crying for a whole week?”
Gyehyeon froze, his hands clenched as he felt his throat dry. He blinked rapidly.
Yeonho stared at him expectantly. “What, you guys break up and you just stop caring about him completely?”
Gyehyeon exhaled. “Look, it’s not that simple. I just...” He always found it difficult to articulate his emotions properly. Well, he always found it difficult to deal with his emotions in general. He hadn’t been the best at knowing what to say when it came to feelings, so it entirely blind sighted him when he first met Kangmin, who seemed to to know exactly what to say and do.
He was invited to a partyㅡhe came with Yeonho, Yongseung, and Hoyoungㅡand of course the 00z just left him with Hoyoung because they were busy with their own world. And they suddenly came back to him bringing a shorter guy, Kangmin. That was how they knew each other. Kangmin was brave to say it to his face that the boy was interested in him.
He was direct, forward, and even likes to initiate skinship with him. Gyehyeon was intrigued. The only reason Kangmin's demeanour didn’t scare him offㅡas it had others in the pastㅡwas because Gyehyeon was also looking for something serious, putting his so-called ‘fun years’ behind him, ready to settle down properly. And, frankly, Gyehyeon did not scare easily.
As the evening went on, the two found that conversation was easy and flowed with a mind of its own. They hadn’t much in common—Kangmin was a college student and Gyehyeon owned a bread shop in the city—making them wonder what Kangmin saw to think they would make a great match.
By the end of the night, they could both say with full certainty that they wanted to see each other again. Despite seeming like a mismatch made in poor intuition, both Gyehyeon and Kangmin clicked together; they just worked, and it had only been one dinner.
They had multiple dinners after that, as well as lunches, movie dates, and walks in the park. Gyehyeon continued to be surprised by Kangmin, discovering all sorts of things about him. But, the thing that surprised Gyehyeon the most about the man he was seeing, was how incredibly flirty he was.
The first time Kangmin's warm hand touched Gyehyeon's with his usual bright smile had caught Gyehyeon completely off-guard, he didn’t have the time to control his reaction. This led Gyehyeon to be overcome with extreme fluster, caught staring at the man before him with amazement, at how someone who was already extremely attractive could look even more attractive.
Something about the way that Gyehyeon lost his mind over a simple smile sparked something in Kangmin, and from then on he used this new discovery to his advantage. He would wink at Gyehyeon from across the table to watch his cheeks became red; smirk subtly at Gyehyeon when he would make a joke, in a way that made the latter’s stomach frenzy; and, the final, Kangmin never passed up the opportunity to let Gyehyeon know how adorable he was.
Gyehyeon had been called a lot of things—pretty, handsome, hot, sexy, ethereal—but never in his life had he ever been described by anyone as adorable. Kangmin far from expected Gyehyeon to let out the incoherent words that he did, almost dropping the utensils in his grip, which made Kangmin to throw the word about whenever he pleased, always receiving the exact reaction he wished for.
Despite the fact the tone of their relationship was playful and teasing, and the two enjoyed their time together, there was one thing that irked at Gyehyeon, only slightly; it didn’t feel like a relationship.
He could understand taking things slow, in fact he was grateful for how innocent they kept their relationship. He liked that they took their time to get to know one another properly before anything could get serious. But, Gyehyeon couldn’t help but wonder why nothing had progressed between them.
When it came to the discussion of love language, Gyehyeon would declare that he doesn't always do physical touch, he mostly just will ask what others people feeling and try to take care of them with his own way. He could do the level of intimate skinship that he only did to his partner if he's comfortable or he really wanted it. At least, for Gyehyeon it was like that. But, it didn’t seem like Kangmin was on the same page.
This brought Gyehyeon back to the fact that he was sucking at relationships; he had no idea what to do from here. Did he talk to Kangmin about it? Sometimes he needed to push Kangmin away that made the younger sad. He would ignore him for a day but then he would call Kangmin again to make sure he's okay. He didn't know why he did that.
Kangmin also who had been overthinking the entire situation, but he couldn’t stop his thoughts from spiralling into every single of doubt and worry. And Gyehyeon also couldn't make up of his mind.
In the end, he decided that maybe Kangmin just trying to show his affection. And he was just shy. He would try for the sake of both of them.
Yeonho shook Gyehyeon's shoulder. While Gyehyeon gave him a frustrated look, “I just can’t deal with this, with any of it. Besides, I don’t know why you’re coming in here yelling at me as if I’m the one that ended things!”
Yeonho looked taken aback. “Wait… You didn’t?”
Gyehyeon sighed, as Yeonho tried to make sense of this new information, “Hold on, Kangmin broke up with you? But- That’s like your thing!”
“Excuse me?” Gyehyeon raised an offended eyebrow.
“Oh, come on, during university you're known for rejecting people and you're the one who does this push and pull thing with Kangmin,”
Gyehyeon gave Yeonho a look, not trying to deny but also not agreeing.
“You’ve never been in a long-term relationship ever. In fact, Kangmin was your longest relationship and I always thought the day you lasted longer than a couple months with someone that would be the person you’d end up marrying-” He cut himself off once he noticed the annoyed look on his friend's face.
“Okay, tell me exactly what happened, what did he say?”
The issue was more with what he didn’t say. Gyehyeon thought back to when Kangmin visited his shop.
Kangmin had a long lunch break, and Gyehyeon happened to be working overtime that day. So, Kangmin texted him that he'd visit his shop and maybe had a lunch together.
When Kangmin arrived, Gyehyeon watched the guy fondly, as he recounted the money in the cash register for the fifth time due to being distracted, before he gave up and smiled at Kangmin. “Do you want your favorite bread and pastry again?”
The light that filled Kangmin's eyes was enough for Gyehyeon to get his boy his favorite breads. Kangmin smiled warmly and took a bite of it.
Chuckling, Gyehyeon felt his stomach swirl and his cheeks became rosy, as he awkwardly took a tissue and wiped the younger's lips, speaking quietly, “You got cream on your lips,”
It was cliche, Gyehyeon knew it, but that didn’t stop him from feeling tingly in his toes. Prior to this, they had vague conversations about their romantic experiences, ones where Kangmin had revealed that he was no stranger to a kiss. Gyehyeon found himself so mesmerised—hypnotised—by the shine in Kangmin's eyes as he laughed with a bright grin that he couldn’t help but lean in.
His eyes fluttered openㅡonly then had he been made aware he closed themㅡwhen Kangmin immediately jolted back, and the younger man stuttered, “Uh, you know, um, I actually have to do, I have a meeting that I completely forgot about, and it only just hit me.” He quickly stood up, “I should go.”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Yeonho cut Gyehyeon off, perplexed. “You guys have never kissed?” Gyehyeon shook his head, and Yeonho let out a breath of disbelief.
“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day. The Jo Gyehyeon in a relationship where the only foundation isn’t a shared libido. Never knew you could be such a saint.”
“Get out of my apartment.” Gyehyeon monotoned, though his glare was icy cold.
Yeonho raised his palms in surrender, “I’m sorry, but can you blame me for being surprised? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it, but don’t forget, we used to share a wall, I know you for a long time.”
“Yeonho, that was years ago! You don’t think I’m capable of having a partner that doesn’t involve us taking our clothes off? I’m not a kid anymore, all that is behind me now.”
“Does Kangmin know that?”
Gyehyeon took a beat. “What?”
Yeonho shrugged. “I don’t know, I assume he knows about your past-”
“Don’t phrase it like that, you make it sound like I killed someone.” Though he no longer chose to live his life that way, Gyehyeon understood that there was nothing to be ashamed when it came to casual sex as long as it was consensual and safe.
“Well, either way, do you think Kangmin might have freaked out over your years of experience compared to him?”
Gyehyeon hadn’t thought about that, actually. The day that Kangmin came over to Gyehyeon's apartment to shatter his heart. Kangmin hadn’t said muchㅡjust that he didn’t think this was going to work, that they were too different, that they wanted different things.
Filled with shock, Gyehyeon's counter arguments didn’t hold them, and he let Kangmin left with the front door hung open. He should have said more, he should have done more. Gyehyeon was too caught up in his own heartbreak to think about what could have gone through Kangmin's mind to come to this conclusion.
What exactly could have made him want to end things? He didn’t think it was going to work? It was working, it was the most functional relationship Gyehyeon had ever been in. They were too different? True, but that was far from a bad thing. They may have been different, but that’s what kept things interesting.
They wanted different things? Gyehyeon scoffed at that one; all he ever wanted was to be with Kangmin, and he thought Kangmin wanted to be with him but maybe he was wrong. Gyehyeon needed answers.
And, judging by Yeonho's last question, there was clearly something he knew that Gyehyeon didn’t. He had to find out.
“Yeonho... Has Kangmin everㅡ”
“Stop! I’m not getting in the middle of this.” Of course, Yeonho was already in the middle of it, “You and Kangmin need to talk, a deep and proper talk.”
Gyehyeon hesitated, “What would I even say? I’m not good at the talking stuff, you know that.”
“Actually, you’re really good at the talking stuff. You always have something to say, you always have something to debate at least with me. Jo Gyehyeon has never backed down before. Don’t make this the first time just because it's about your feelings and your relationship.”
Yeonho sighed, “Fight for him, or you’ll regret this for the rest of your life.” The tough love approach was Yeonho's thing, purely because it always worked on Gyehyeon—it was how they functioned as friends.
Gyehyeon rubbed his temple, “Look, I don’t know-”
“Go talk to him, for fuck’s sake!” Yeonho threw his car car key to his friend, “Go drive to his house, and demand an answer, talk properly. Don’t leave without any answers.”
“But, it’s raining-”
“Exactly! It’s romantic! Trust me I didㅡ” Yeonho smiled fondly, then shook himself back to reality, “What are you doing standing there? Go!”
Yeonho was right, Gyehyeon would regret it for the rest of his life if he didn’t even try to remedy things between him and Kangmin. He really couldn’t comprehend where they went wrong.
He finally opened the driver’s seat door of Yeonho's car, and stepped out onto Kangmin's house. He glanced up at his house small and cozy house. Kangmin lived alone, so that meant he was at home because Kangmin never forget to switch the light off if he went outside.
Gyehyeon decided he should just get it over with, especially because the pouring rain had started to wet his clothes and dampen his hair. He knocked. No response. He went to knock again, when movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention. Gyehyeon saw Kangmin peeking at him through the window, before he disappeared with the curtain drawn shut.
“Kangmin, please, I just want to talk!” Gyehyeon begged. He hit his fist against the door a few more times. His forehead fell forward and smacked against the door.
“I don’t know what I did to make you hate me, but I’m sorry! Please, can we just talk, and if after that you never want to see me again, then I’ll accept that! But, give me an answer and the reason why you did this!”
Gyehyeon stalled, he would disturb the neighbors but, then he realised he didn’t care as long as Kangmin heard it.
“You mean so much to me, Kangmin. Whenever we’re not together, I find myself waiting for you, I always want to see you. I’m not good about my feelings. I’m clueless as fuck, and I’m so sorry if I did or said something to push you away, but I promise I can learn to be better. I just can’t do it without you.”
He swallowed his need to cry, and breathed out. “Please...”
No response.
His shoulders became heavy, he decided it was time to give up. He dragged his feet away from the door towards Yeonho's car as he fumbled for the keys with freezing, wet hands. He went to unlock the vehicle, when he heard someone call out his name. He felt his breath hitched once he saw Kangmin stood a few feet away from him. The rain began to soak through his clothes and drown Kangmin's hair, and he looked so beautiful.
Neither of them said a word or made a move, they were unsure what should happen next. Gyehyeon was busy thinking about what he should say, so stuck in his own thoughts he didn’t even notice Kangmin approached him until he felt the other’s arms wrap around him as he buried his face in Gyehyeon's shoulder.
It wasn’t the first time that Kangmin initiated a hug, but not this intimate, never felt this warm.
“I’m sorry.” Kangmin breathed into Gyehyeon's ear with a sharp inhale. “I don’t hate you, far from it- God, I’m so, so sorry.”
Gyehyeon caressed his hair soothingly. “It’s okay,” He murmured. Despite feeling cold, he continued to comfort Kangmin as he sobbed into his shirt.
Kangmin pulled back to look Gyehyeon in the eyes with his red and puffy ones. Kangmin's red cheeks were visible because of the embarrassment, Gyehyeon witnessing him like that; exposed and vulnerable. Gyehyeon swiped his thumb across his cheeks. But then both of them realized that they were still in the pouring rain so it was kind of romantic and sweet. They giggled, which settled the atmosphere, so maybe it wasn't going to end badly.
“I think I owe you a proper explanation.” Kangmin chewed on his bottom lip. He continued, once he was sure Gyehyeon wouldn’t shove him away and drive off,
“Um, it’s not really… It’s hard for me to talk about stuff like this. Which is ridiculous because I’m an adult that should be able to have a mature conversation with the person that I’m seeing and not have it be a big deal, but it is- It’s a big deal”
Gyehyeon let out a shaky breath, “I know what you mean, I'm so shit at this kind of thing. I’ve never been broken up with before, I’ve never been on the receiving end, and I just didn’t know how to handle it. I know, I'm such an asshole right now, I should be apologizing to youㅡ”
“No, you have nothing to apologize for.” Kangmin closed his eyes to steel himself, “This is all me. I should have just told you from the beginning. I may have panicked a bit, after you, uhm... in your shop...” Ah, when Kangmin swerved Gyehyeon's kiss which left him feeling bad and clueless for the rest of the day
“Hey,” Gyehyeon spoke softly, nurturing.
“I can understand, it's fine. But I should apologize that usually I always try to push you away when you try to do physical affection. I mean, yes, I do like that stuff- Like, handholding, and cuddling, but that’s not so important to me that I would want to risk losing what we have.”
Kangmin pressed his hands over his face with a quiet groan. “It- It's not about that. I’m fine with all that, everyone's different. It’s the expectation of what comes after.”
Gyehyeon tilted his head in confusion, and Kangmin blurted out, “I’ve never had sex.”
Oh.
“And I know that’s supposed to be embarrassing, or whatever, at our age, but usually I don’t care. I always thought it would happen when it’s supposed to happen, but I got intimidated when you told me about your own experiences. I got scared, that if I told you about my lack of experience you would break up with me- Which is silly. I know, I tried to tell myself that you weren’t like that, and all that did was make things worse, and I kept overthinking it until I couldn’t take it anymore and I just... broke up with you first.”
Gyehyeon finally got his answer. Now it was up to him to fix things.
“I never expected that stuff from you. I’ve been with a few people in my life, but it shouldn’t make you feel a certain way. I’m with you for you, and that’s all that matters to me. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel a certain way.”
“No, trust me, it wasn’t you,” Kangmin assured with a small smile. “You have been nothing but kind, sweet, and respectful. It was all me, I just wish I could go back to that day and not freak out. I should have just kissed you. I’m so sorry I treated you like that, made you feel like you did something wrong. I should have just told you, I'm so sorry.”
“How about we make a promise to stop saying sorry to each other for this, and move forward?” Gyehyeon suggested, and Kangmin nodded.
Biting back his own smile, Gyehyeon held Kangmin's hand tightly. Kangmin looked up and met Gyehyeon's eyes again.
Gyehyeon smiled. “It’s understandable to worry, I get it. It’s my job to reassure you. We can take things as slow as you want, Kangmin. I just want to be with you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
A grin slowly creeped onto Kangmin's face. “That’s all I want too.”
“Okay. Glad we cleared that up.” They both smiled so wide their jaws ached. Gyehyeon made a mental reminder to thank Yeonho later.
“One more thing.” Kangmin added, “I think this is a payback for what happened weeks ago,” He trailed off, his eyes falling to Gyehyeon's lips. All Gyehyeon could feel was the cold rain contrasted with the warm and softness of Kangmin's lips as their lips connected.
The car keys slipped from his hand and fell to the ground, but he couldn’t bring himself to care at that moment as Gyehyeon rested his palms on the nape of Kangmin's neck.
Eventually, they had to pull away to chase their breaths, and Gyehyeon couldn’t help but choke out,
“Can I pay you in the currency of future kisses whenever you ask?” He was being cute, another side of Gyehyeon that rarely made an appearance.
“Only if that includes a ‘Holding Hands and Cuddling’ tax.”
Another laugh, the sweetest melody to Kangmin's ears. “Deal. Let's go inside now, we'll catch cold.