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Hello, Santa, you bloated sack of protoplasm.
Kagato here.
For years, Santa, I have only had one simple Christmas request: "Give me Tsunami's power!" But, like the insipid, festering, pus-filled boil on the ass of the universe you are, you couldn't even do that right, could you, Santa?
Twenty five years ago, I asked you to give me Tsunami's power. Instead, you gave me a Malibu Barbie and a Bopper Ball. You're despicable!
Forty years ago, I asked you for Tsunami's power and you gave me a Cabbage Patch knock-off doll that you probably got on a KMart blue light special and a Rubik's Cube. I never did get the colors on all six sides of that cruel toy to match up so I pulled the colored stickers off and put them back on so that everyone thought I had solved it. Not very ingenious, I know, but what was I to do when you gave me nothing to work with?
Cleverly conceived by an otherwise boorish and unremarkable human, the Rubik's Cube was not the tool I needed to march across time and space to conquer the universe, Santa, but I wouldn't expect a simpleton like you to understand such a basic concept.
Remember that one year, Santa, when I asked for Tsunami's power and you gave me a Hula-hoop? Perhaps I missed the seminar on "Gaining Control of the Entire Universe By Swinging My Hips In Such A Ludicrous Manner So That I May Move This Stupid Circular Tube Around My Body". Do you think that was why I was unable to use the Hula-hoop as an effective tool to gain control of the universe, Santa? No? I didn't think so.
Of course, there was that year you actually gave me a Death Ray. I thought to myself, That fat little fuck has finally gotten his shit together! Ah, but then you forgot to give me the adapter and batteries to power it with. Tsk, tsk... Inefficient planning is the sign of a feeble mind, Santa.
The expanded memory upgrades and added pulse cannons to Souja were a nice surprise. However, you forgot to leave me a comprehensive warranty for the hardware, and my fifty dollar mail-in rebate card and proof-of-purchase stickers weren't placed in my stocking with care. I'm over it now since I found out that one blast from Souja's pulse cannon could take out a small star system, but that doesn't mean you're off the hook. Not by a longshot, dipshit!
Oh, and by all means, let us not forget the time I asked for Tsunami's power and you gave me "The Land Before Time" series–all five hundred and eighty three movies! I hope you're mauled to death by a pack of zombiefied five-year-olds.
Are you defective, Santa? Why is it that your insufficient "Only Works If I Eat Fifty Pounds of Store-bought Christmas Cookies For Breakfast" brain can remember what millions of worthless children want for Christmas but it can't deal with the fundamental truth that, as a Christmas gift for Kagato, Tsunami's power is good and everything else is bad? This is not a difficult concept to grasp, Santa.
Did you conveniently overlook my simple wish because you're still bitter about the time I melted Frosty? Perhaps he shouldn't have been made of snow. Perhaps, he shouldn't have tried to get me to ride on his back. What a sick little freak he turned out to be. Rather foolish, don't you think? To make a man from snow? He was just begging to be melted!
Why have you allowed Tsunami's power to elude me all these years? Did you get some sort of perverse pleasure out of watching Tenchi kill me and send me away to this other dimension after I failed to seize her power from her? It's really too bad for you that we have trans-dimensional mail service here, isn't it?
Rather convenient, don't you think? You didn't give me what I wanted so I used my tremendous intellect and power to take it, thus forever exiling me to your "Naughty List"? Very amusing... The way you've conspired to keep me from fulfilling my destiny is almost commendable. Almost.
Nevertheless, I grow weary of this waiting game. Enough stalling, Santa! Give me Tsunami's power this year or I'll beat the shit out of you with that Bob The Builder playset you gave me back in 2005. I keep trying to regift the damn thing but nobody wants it. It seems its only use will be as your murder weapon.
Ever the Evil Genius,
Kagato