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To get what he wanted, Lovino was ready to scream and shout and throw a tantrum. That’s how it had always been and even as an adult this was his number one trick to get what he wanted. He didn’t anymore start crying and punching the floor, but instead he did a lot of shouting, swearing and pouting. Maybe he was acting childish, but as long as it worked, who gave a damn? Well, worked most of the time. He had had hundreds of fights with Antonio, he was sure, during the five years they had been together. Even more from the friendship before that. It suprised everyone that they had first of all ended up together and second of all, still were together. There were even a few times where they had been asked to leave a restaurant or a bar because of how loud they would get. Well, Lovino mostly while Antonio tried to calm him down. They would always make up sooner or later and the longest fight had lasted only for a week.
Expect this one. It had been three days since they had last spoken at all and before that there had been another four days of conversations over the phone ending with shouting and things being thrown into walls. Antonio was sleeping at Gilbert's place on the couch while Lovino stayed in their apartment. Antonio had intended to only sleep there for one night, but since things weren’t going as smoothly as he had been hoping for – there he was, still. It wasn’t that Gilbert minded having one of his best friends stay over for more than a week, especially since he didn’t actually spend the night there every day himself, but Antonio's bad mood was starting to get the better of both of them and Antonio ended up moping around because of the tiniest reasons. Still, it was Gilbert's responsibility as the awesome best friend to help his best friend!
---- ---- ---- ----
Antonio heard the door open and close, followed by some shuffling and heavy military boots hitting the floor. Gilbert's home.
“Hey Anton, you better not be sleeping still!” Antonio heard Gilbert shout out on his way to the kitchen next to the room Antonio was currently occupying, lying under a blanket. When Antonio felt someone sit on his stretched out legs while still hearing noises from the kitchen, he raised the blanket from his eyes only to spor Francis sitting on the other side of the couch.
“What are you doing here?”, Antonio asked his other best friend and frowned. Francis frowned in return and turned his face to the kitchen's direction.
“You were right, Gil! He is one big mess!"
At that Antonio kicked him and covered his face again with the blanket. Gilbert walked into the living room with a big sandwich in his hands and sat down on the floor facing the sofa. The place he lived in wasn’t that big and he hadn’t been too bothered to buy much fancy stuff other than his black sofa and the electronics.
“Yeah, and you know what’s the worst part? I think he hasn’t moved from that place since Thursday after he sat his skinny ass there after work”, Gilbert told Francis, who sighed in an overly dramatic way and proceeded to move the blanket away from Antonio, who pressing his face on a pillow in turn mumbled an I-hate-you-guys.
“Please get up and shower”, Francis said and gave him a little kick back so that Antonio rolled over and was now lying on the floor on his back. Not bothering to move too much he just lifted the pillow back on his face. Gilbert and Francis both rolled their eyes. Francis stretched himself on the now free couch.
“We were thinking of taking you out tonight”, Gilbert proclaimed enthusiastically and took another bite from his sandwich, “Youw swould hawwe somew fuwn!”
Antonio lifted the pillow to look at Gilbert like he was insane.
“But I don’t want to go out”, he mumbled.
“No no no, no arguments! We are first going to eat something and then we are going to that club you like and there’s nothing you can do about it”, Francis announced while he stood up. Antonio made a noise similar to a dying whale.
“C’mon, it’ll be fun!” Gilbert said nudging Antonio's leg with his own in order to get him up.
“What if Lovino calls me when we’re out”, he muttered and turned his kicked-puppy-eyes on Gilbert, his best weapon to date. He knew the other two were probably screaming inside their heads at this point but he couldn’t help it. He thought about Lovino every minute of consciousness. Gilbert had tried to make him call Lovino for the last few days and he had even tried to get Lovino to call Antonio, but without success. Antonio also knew that his friends just wanted him to be happy and tried to help but he really wasn’t feeling the whole ‘get up and do something instead of lying on the – wait, when did I end up here? – floor’-thing.
“Well, then call him”, said Francis as he entered the room again, now with a big glass of water.
“But I don’t wanna-a-a”, whined Antonio and rolled to lie on his side and back to his friends. He heard yet another sigh from Francis and then Gilbert started to snicker, then something really cold and really wet splashed all over him. That got him up sitting and he looked at Francis annoyed while Gilbert was laughing in his loud obnoxious way on the background. Francis just shrugged his shoulders and turned away to take the glass back into the kitchen.
“That was cheap!” Antonio shouted after him and threw the pillow into Gilbert's face, which didn’t shut him up unfortunately. Then they heard a phone ring. Antonio paled and jumped to his feet, rushing to find it from under the blanket where the sound was coming from. Gilbert stopped laughing and Francis could have sworn there appeared a light bulb over his head when Gilbert realized who the ringtone belonged to.
“Lovi?” Antonio answered the phone without even looking at the caller ID. He quickly walked away and into Gilbert's bedroom slamming the door on his way to have some privacy. Francis and Gilbert were quiet, exchanged a quick glance, and then shuffled right after him as they tried to eavesdrop on the conversation. Antonio was sitting in the floor back leaning against the bedframe.
“Yeah, it’s me you dipshit, are you blind or just stupid- wait don’t answer, I think I know”, Lovino greeted in return.
“Oh, I'm so happy to hear your voice, Lovino”, Antonio sighed as he felt a small weight lift from his shoulders when it actually was Lovino on the other side of the line.
"Tsk", was all Lovino answered and a short silence followed.
"So, how are you?" Antonio asked carefully. He was pretty sure Lovino hadn’t called him just to insult him, although it was a possibility.
“Oh just dandy", Lovino muttered back, "Not glad to hear your idiotic voice, that’s for sure”
“I miss you, too”, Antonio said and smiled faintly.
“Well, that’s weird since you fucking left and I haven’t seen your stupid face since", Lovino snapped, "not that I would want to, I'm just saying”
“I was planning to stay here just for a night but then you said you’d throw all my stuff out the window if I dared to come to ‘your’ house, so, well.. I didn’t”. Some impatience crept into Antionio's voice even as he tried to stay calm. He pinched the bridge of his nose ans screwed his eyes shut. Lovino hadn’t said anything to his accusations and for a moment Antonio thought he had hung up.
“Lovi.. I haven’t spoken to you in three days..”
“You can’t blame me for all this, bastard”, Lovi said voice raising a bit more again. He really could stay mad long.
“Maybe I should just come home and we could make up?” Antonio asked, “Forget we even had a fight?” There was a silence at the end of the line.
“Lovi-“, Antonio tried again, but was interrupted.
“If you can remember why and who started this whole thing, I will consider seeing your lazy ass”. Antonio felt like hitting his head into a wall. They had had this conversation three days ago and it did not go well. All of his hopes flew out the window, which Gilbert had accidently broken with a baseball bat when drunk and fixed with tape last summer. Antonio refused to take all the blame at this point as he usually did. He knew he was the one who fucked up, but it was Lovino who had been extremely uncooperative this whole time, not even trying to meet him halfway. Antonio chose his next words carefully.
“I know I hurt you, Lovi and I'm so, so sorry”, he said, “but I refuse to take all the blame. I mean, you threw me out of my home!”.
“Uggh, you don’t get it!” Lovino shouted. Gilbert and Francis could hear Lovino's voice even through the door.
“No, you’re the one who’s being too stubborn! You even refuse to see me!”
“Well, you – you don’t get it, you don’t get it, you don’t get it!” Lovino shouted again and again. He really couldn’t come up with anything else at that point. He had hoped Antonio would have just understood what it was Lovino wanted from him without having to say it out loud, but of course he hadn't. It was maybe unfair of Lovino to expect anything else, he knew, but he hadn't grown any more rational during the week than he had been to begin with.
“Would you stop being so immature!" Antonio sighed in return, not expecting an answer.
After those words Antonio could hear a crash and the phone call ended. He was pretty sure Lovino had thrown his phone into a wall or something like that. He put the phone down and pressed his open hands over his eyes breathing deep, in and out. After a while of silence, he could hear the door open and his two best friends came in to check on him.
“Well, uh, that didn’t go that well, huh”, Gilbert blurted. Francis punched him on the arm. Antonio just let out a long sigh yet again.
“Fine, let’s go out”, he said then. He really felt like getting drunk and forgetting the whole thing even if just for a moment. A small pang of guilt was still there and he wanted it gone. After Antonio had showered, brushed his teeth and put on a clean shirt, they left and went to eat some cheap pizza to a place near the club they were planning to get shitfaced in later.
---- ---- ---- ----
After Lovino had thrown his phone aiming for the wall and missing it, instead knocking out a framed picture from the TV stand, he curled up on the black leather couch he was nestled on and felt like someone had stabbed his heart, repeatedly. He sat there like that trying not to cry for what felt like hours, refusing to give in. When he felt slightly more steady, he walked to get his phone and called Feliciano. While the phone was ringing he picked up the photo and watched the broken glass over the picture of his stupid, stupid boyfriend. He really missed that big freak with his idiotic-looking smile and always too happy-go-lucky voice, but he didn’t feel like he could really forgive him yet. Even after five years it still felt surreal to say they were dating out loud. Feliciano answered the phone then.
“Feli, let’s go get wasted.”
---- ---- ---- ----
Saturday night. The bar was full of people, but they still got in. Gilbert ordered three beers for them and even Francis drunk his up quickly. After the third round they all felt a bit buzzed and Antonio still couldn't stop thinking about Lovino.
“Dude, you need to lighten up”, Gilbert said and spilled a bit of his drink on the table, “today you need to just let it go!” Antonio groaned and let his head fall on the table.
“I don’t know what to do”, he whined and Francis patted his back in an attempt to comfort the other man while simultanously considering the distance and steps required between them and the bartender.
“Just tell us what happened”, Gilbert said. Antonio hadn’t really spoken about it with them, but now he felt drunk enough to do so, at least almost.
“If you buy the next round”, he said and Gilbert rolled his eyes but still stood up to get the required bribe. When he got back Antonio took a deep breath and a large gulp from his new glass.
“I think it started when we were coming back from the movies a week ago", he started his tale, "Lovi was complaining about something, I can't even remember what, and I don’t know.. I just snapped back a bit, but you see I had had a long day too..” Another big gulp.
“What did you say? That he was being a bitch?” Gilbert asked and Francis kicked him under the table. Antonio looked miserable as he told them the rest.
“Well, I- I kind of might have said that he should sometimes try to see the positive side of things and not be always so negative..”
“What’s so bad about that? I mean, he can’t be so sensitive he’d take that too personally, right?” Francis asked. Gilbert nodded along. Antonio drooped his head a little more, basically leaning against his glass now.
“I also said he should be more like his brother”, he finished quietly. The other two were silent. For a while.
“Oh my god, you are screwed”, Gilbert said. Always so comforting.
“Yeah, that is pretty bad”, Francis said. Ah, Antonio thought, he could always trust his friends to make things better.
“Thanks”, he muttered in a bitter tone and finished the rest of his drink.
“Sorry, didn’t meant to say it like that”, Francis said, “but what have you guys been talking about on the phone? It’s not like it’s that big of a deal, I’m sure you can talk it over”
“I don’t know, just saying more shitty things..", Antonio shrugged, "I mean after I had said that, he pulled over and threw me out of the car and I ended up at Gil's since it was close by. I tried to apologize the next day but he wanted me to say it's all my fault and I didn’t think it was fair since he was the one to throw me out and all”, he said. Francis and Gilbert both just hmm-d in return and all fell quiet as they thought it over.
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Lovino and Feliciano were both pretty drunk, having downed three, four? glasses of wine each and were now trying to find somewhere to sit on. Lovino had told Feliciano the whole thing on their way to the bar and was now only a little bit pissed. He was even considering calling and apologizing to Antonio, but he probably wouldn’t hear anything anyway with all this music and loud people and bright lights on the background – wait, did light even make a sound? Anyway. Never did it cross his mind he might end up staring right into his boyfriends' eyes while walking around another drink in his hand. It took him a few heartbeats to realize that yes, he did know that face and that yes, it really was Antonio. Quickly he turned away and if it weren’t for all the people, he would have ran away. Unfortunately, the whole damn city seemed to be there that night and Antonio was able to reach him before he got out.
“Lovino, wait!”
“I have nothing to say to you”, Lovi sputtered caught off guard and kept walking. He downed his glass and placed it onto some empty table – why hadn’t he spotted it earlier- and kept walking, he could see the entrance now.
“Lovi, honey, wait!” Antonio cried out after him and let the pet name slip a bit too casually out of his mouth. At that Lovino turned around and Antonio almost ran into him.
“Don’t do that!” Lovino shouted, “Don’t call me 'honey' you idiotic pervert”. A few people turned to see what the ruckus was all about.
“Could we just go outside?” Antonio pleaded and reached his hand out, but caught himself and left it hanging in between them instead. Lovino looked torn apart with either giving in or continuing his escape, but finally he grabbed Antonio's wrist and they left the bar. When outside, where it was noticeably more quiet, Lovino let go of Antonio and crossed his hands over his chest while frowning but keeping his stare away from the other.
“What do you want?” he asked and felt like the ground was moving a little. Damn all those drinks.
“I just wanted to talk to you, Lovi”, Antonio said, “this whole thing is killing me and I just want to come home”. He really, really wanted to pull the other against him, feeling the familiar shape melt against him as it always would, “But I don't know what to do anymore, I said I'm sorry a million time already and I really don't understand why you're being like this". Antonio cast a pleading look at Lovino as he finished even while the other refused to meet his gaze.
“You know what I want you to do”, Lovino muttered. Antonio wanted to rip out his own hair, just a little bit.
“Lovi, couldn’t we just talk about it? I want to really talk about this”, Antonio begged, "just tell me what you're thinking"
“Fine! You want to talk? Fine”, Lovino spat and finally looked at Antonio. There was the familiar fire in his eyes, but something else too. Antonio also noticed the bags under his eyes and frowned a bit in concern. Lovino glanced away again before his anger would mellow into regret. It wasn't like the sight of Antonio so serious and tired made his heart hurt a little, knowing he was the reason the usual smile was long gone.
“You want to know why this is such a big deal? Why I’m still mad at you?” Lovino asked. It was a rhetorical question, but Lovino wouldn’t have minded an answer. Antonio didn’t say anything though. It seemed as if he was holding his breath.
“You.. You really hurt me that night, you know”, Lovino started. He was talking a lot quieter now and he would never have had the courage to talk about his feelings this frankly sober.
“I -", he took another breath, "I know it was really shitty of me to throw you out and I-, I guess I wasn’t really thinking straight..”. He then suddenly raised his eyes to meet Antonio's and stood up a bit more straight, rising his voice just a little bit, “But it really is your fault!”. Antonio quickly opened his mouth,
“Lovi-“
“Don’t say anything! I’m not finished”, Lovino interrupted, “It’s your fault, because..", he again took a deep breath before forcing the words out of his mouth, "because I’ve heard people say that to me, always. And it really hurts when people say you should be like someone else and they think that that someone else is so much better than you. I – I never was enough for people just being me and not like that asshole throwing up rainbows and sunshine”
Antonio felt like he had been hit with a hammer. He hadn’t realized before just how much he had actually hurt Lovino, the other had never shared his feelings on the subject and instead just brushed off the comments from friends and family. He really wanted to say something then, but Lovino continued talking.
“You have never said that to me before, you always before made me feel like I was loved for being me”, he whispered those words and Antonio barely heard them.
“Lovino”, Antonio said and he really couldn’t take it anymore. He took a step forward and gently grabbed Lovino's chin lifting it up. Although Lovino still refused to meet his gaze, Antonio brushed a stray hair behind Lovino's ear with the other.
“I am so, so, so sorry, my love, I truly am", Antonio whispered and leaned his forehead against Lovino's, "of course I love you just the way you are. And I would never, ever want you to be anything else. Never"
“You are so fucking stupid”, Lovino said after a while but then wrapped his hands around Antonio's waist and closed the remaining gap between them. Antonio breathed in deeply and could feel all the stress from the previous week melting away at that familiar smell. He wrapped his hands tighter around Lovino and felt nothing but relief. Lovino shuddered a little and pressed his face against Antonio's shoulder with closed eyes.
---- ---- ---- ----
Inside, Feliciano had spotted Gilbert and Francis when Lovino ran away. They let couple hash thing out on their own, but it had been more than twenty minutes and they were all brimming with curiosity.
“Hey uh, wanna go see what’s up?” Gilbert suggested finally and soon all three hurried outside to see what was happening. They figured that since there wasn’t a huge scene to be seen anywhere inside, they had probably gone out. Finally they spotted the pair on the street now seemingly made up, finally. They let out a collective sigh and ever the romantic, Francis insisted they should leave and dragged Gilbert and Feliciano away. Feliciano texted his brother with a bunch of hearts though, ending with a small note telling he went home already.
---- ---- ---- ----
Lovino felt his phone vibrate, but didn’t bother to check it right away. He had been fighting back tears while hugging Antonio and repeating over and over again how stupid the other was. When he finally felt like he could show his face without losing his dignity, he raised his head. Immediately Antonio pressed a kiss on his lips and he responded right away. There was something a bit desperate in the way Antonio kept his other hand tight around Lovino's waist and in the way Lovino dragged his teeth against Antonio's bottom lip. A blush spread on Lovino's cheeks as he realized just how much he had missed the love of his life.
“We should go home”, Lovino whispered still a bit out of breath, “don’t you think?”
“Yes, let’s go home”, Antonio said and gave Lovino another kiss, a gentle peck this time. Lovino grabbed Antonio's hand and turned away, pulling the other with him. Antonio knew he would always follow.